“Tiffany”: The Review!

Posted on June 28, 2011 by judisunshine

True story: I have both Tiffany albums in my iPod. And by both, I mean, the two that I know of — “Tiffany” and “Hold An Old Friend’s Hand.” Tiffany holds the ultimate key to my heart, as she sang dramatic girl music when I was in junior high. She was the Brenda Walsh to Debbie Gibson’s Kelly Taylor. When you needed your music a little edgier, Tiffany was there.

But how does her debut album hold up in 2006, now that I am old and wise? Let’s find out!


1. Should’ve Been Me

THEN: Oh man, did I ever feel this song when I was in jr. high! No boys liked me. So while I could not relate to the “breakup” aspect of the song, I totally empathized with the jealousy factor.

NOW: Wow. There are horns. And what sounds like…a slide whistle? The ’80s were INTENSE.

GRADE: B


2. Danny

THEN: My FAVORITE song. So sexy. I was a very innocent girl, but I really thought I could understand how hard it is to stop when you’re all caught up in passion. With DANNY.

NOW: Hmmm. Well, points for the thunder, for sure! The part right before the chorus still gives me chills, but I can’t say that this makes me feel all sexy anymore. But maybe that’s ’cause I’m sitting at my desk.

GRADE: B-

3. Spanish Eyes

THEN: I hated this song. I never believed “sultry” Tiffany. Jealous Tiffany, sure. Sad Tiffany? Absolutely! Anxious Tiffany? I’m there. But I don’t buy this at all. And it’s horribly repetitive, and sounds like it was recorded on a Casio. Like, more than usual. And with no awesome thunder like “Danny,” or wacked out craziness like “Should’ve Been Me.”

NOW: Same.

GRADE: F

4. Feelings of Forever

THEN: Oh my. I LOVVVVVED this song. I’ve always been ridiculously sentimental/nostalgic, and really liked the whole idea of a perfect moment that you never wanted to end.

NOW: I still really like it! The bells and whistles are very dated and unnecessary, but what are you gonna do, I mean, it WAS the eighties. I’d really like to hear this song re-done, more simply. The vocals are really cool. And this is what Tiffany did best, I think — wistful belting.

GRADE: A-


5. Kid On a Corner

THEN: I hated this song. Even in my hard-banged, multi-colored eyeshadowed naivete, I knew Tiffany WAS a kid. The corner was up for debate, but this song confused me. Like, was she with someone mad old? Then it would make sense, but would still be creepy. Whatever.

NOW: Even dumber. But the “all this time” leading into the chorus is still nice. ‘Cause she’s wistfully belting.

GRADE: D

6. I Saw Him Standing There

THEN: I am prejudiced. This song helped me win 3rd place in a karaoke contest. I got beer steins! When I was 16! But I did really like it. Although the video was the dumbest thing ever.

NOW: It’s fun. And I think because it’s a Beatles cover, it actually sounds a little more like “music,” relatively speaking. And whoa, some Jerry Lee Lewis piano sliding stuff is going on! But I must say, she kind of sounds like she’s singing with her mouth full?

GRADE: B

7. Johnny’s Got the Inside Moves

THEN: I don’t think I need to give you more than the title to let you know that this is the stupidest song ever made.

NOW: Yeahhh…

GRADE: F

8. Promises Made

THEN: I remember loving this. It was highly dramatic. Promises made! Promises broken!

NOW: Yeah, not so much. Wait, did I really love this song? ‘Cause it’s really boring.

GRADE: C-

9. I Think We’re Alone Now

THEN: Of course I loved this song! But I never listened to it in front of my parents. (Because it was about sex.)

NOW: This song rules! And it’s one where the ’80s ridiculousness serves the song, I think. But the line, “Look at the wayyyyy we got our eye on what we’re doing,” I always took very literally. And still do. And it reminds me of that scene in “Felicity” where she goes to have sex with Noel, and “keeps her eye on the ball” and is all hilariously creepy, like are they STARING at themselves having sex? Confusing.

GRADE: A

10. Could’ve Been

THEN: I loved this song. One day in 8th grade, Shannon wrote out all the lyrics in our club notebook. It was that meaningful.

NOW: I don’t care what anyone says — this is a gorgeous song. With or without jr. high heartbreak. The line, “Every time I get my hopes up, they always seem to fall” is one of my All-Time Favorite Song Moments.

GRADE: A+

© June 28, 2006 (Whoa, five years ago today! Not intentional!)

Posted in Celebrities, Childhood, Friends, Lists, Music, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Ladies And Germs

Posted on June 23, 2011 by judisunshine

So I know I’m not a mom, and it’s a very hard job, and I won’t understand until I have a kid of my own, yada, yada, yada.

Still.

I feel that it is very important for me as an objective onlooker to say that, women of the world, y’all need to calm the fuck down in public restrooms, or we are going to raise a generation of PSYCHOS.

Now I have always understood that there are different levels of germophobia, and I do see how a public bathroom can be a daunting place of business for some. But I must say that the majority of my sympathy was erased after I wiped one too many drops of piss off a toilet seat before getting to go myself.

FOR REAL, PEOPLE. What the hell is up with that? It’s a toilet seat, it’s not hypodermic needles washing to shore. Yes, there may be germs on it. If you are that worried, bring some Lysol. Use a seat cover, or toilet paper. Squat if you must. But the thing is, it is really your problem to deal with. You still chose to use that public — emphasis on public — restroom. And what I mean by this is, stop pissing on the toilet seats! Stop LEAVING toilet paper all over the seats. ‘Cause you know what’s even grosser than a toilet seat covered with invisible germs? A toilet seat covered with your VISIBLE germs!

I’ve known for quite awhile that this is a problem facing America, but I honestly had no idea how deeply it ran until I started working at a restaurant again. I don’t want to get in trouble for naming the place, so let’s just calling it Big Rock Stream. I generally like the guests in that restaurant, as far as these things go. But MAN ALIVE, going into that bathroom is a real stressful scenario if there are women and children in there!

“No! No! Don’t touch the seat!”

“Don’t touch that!”

“NO! THAT IS DIRTY!”

“GERMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

So much yelling and frantic behavior. It is insane. Am I just looking at my past through rose-colored glasses, or was it not always this way? We did a lot of traveling and eating at restaurants throughout my life, so I am no stranger to public restrooms. And I honestly don’t remember all of the…YELLING.

It’s like, I’m sure it is a daunting task, teaching kids to protect themselves from life’s dangers. But what I am saying is, maybe while you’re at a restaurant, instead of teaching your kids to associate the very normal need of going to the bathroom with a circus of fear, you could, I don’t know. Teach them not to SCREAM AND YELL when the waitress is taking your order.

The thing that I don’t get is, yes, yes, it’s a little weird to think about, putting your naked ass on a seat that others have been on. But like, you touch money? All the time. Do you run around in circles, yelling and Purelling everything until finally throwing the money at a cashier with your feet? No. No you don’t. Because if you did, I’m pretty sure I would have seen it at ShopRite.

Things are dirty. Bathrooms can be dirty. But if you think about it, how much extra effort is put into sanitizing and cleaning a bathroom? It’s probably one of the less inherently dirty rooms you can enter, in that regard. So maybe we can all just calm down a little bit and lower the decibel level in the bathroom, is all I’m saying.

© November 29, 2006

Posted in Miscellaneous, Restaurants, Uncategorized, Women | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

You Know You Grew Up In The ’80s If: The Deluxe Edition, Now With Commentary!

Posted on June 15, 2011 by judisunshine

1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.
Yeah, okay, when did that become the spelling of it? I used to make fun of Krysi for writing it that way. But yeah, I did say it a few times…but in my head it was “Psych!”

2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
No. I loved Pound Puppies, but thought their show looked dumb.

3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton.
Wasn’t that the ’90s? Anyway, not really. But I do like the bit of trivia that Carlton was just doing the Courtney Cox “Dancing in the Dark” dance, only spazzier!

4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
This, unfortunately, is back again. I’m sorry, I had nothing to do with it.

5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
Ohhhhhhhhh I LOVED The Baby-Sitters Club SO MUCH!!!!!! And yes, I desperately wished I was Stacey, diabetes and all. I’m not kidding. I didn’t try to start the club though, because all my friends were scattered over the Island. You can bet I WOULD have, though!

6. You owned those lil’ Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
No 😦 My parents never bought them for me, and I always wanted them. I can still smell her hair!

7. You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey on “Blossom.”
Yeah. What a weird time for sex symbols.

8. Two words: Hammer Pants
I’m not gonna lie. I LOVED those pants. They were so comfortable! And made you look extra cool when you did the Running Man. (But again, wasn’t this ’90s)

9. If you ever watched “Fraggle Rock”
Well, sure.

10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars… and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.
“Spokey-dokes”? WTF? Anyway, I liked streamers, but never had them, but the cards I never did, but I did one time catch my bare foot in the spokes while I was riding on the back of Kelly’s bicycle. That was…painful. And disgusting.

11. You can sing the entire theme song to “Duck Tales” (Woo ooh!)
No, that was after I discovered…I don’t know what I discovered, but I stopped watching cartoons all of a sudden. Maybe this was when I spent every day singing along to “Kids, Incorporated” tapes.

12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
Oh, absolutely!!! Although, much as I love them, “Smurfs” went on FOREVER, no? My favorite lineup was “Smurfs,” “Punky Brewster” (the cartoon), and “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” When they sang, “It’s been awhile, but we’re back with style,” it was like, “Yes, it HAS been awhile — welcome back, Chipmunks!”

13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
I sure did!

14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen..and still know the turtles’ names.
I know their names, yes, but did not see that movie. I’M SORRY.

15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
What? What! What is that.

16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
FIRST of all. I never “made” my mom buy me anything. But yes, I did tie some shirts to the side, this one particularly snazzy matching tie-dyed ensemble, to be exact, but the clips were for amateurs, okay? I just needed my hands. (Owwwww!)

17. You played the game “MASH”(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House).
Yes, but…”shelter”? No. “S” stood for Shack. My favorite ones were where I got a really hot guy and a hot car, but lived in a shack. That seemed very badass to me.

18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
I was around for “stonewashed = cool,” and I was around for “Jordache = cool,” but Jordache was not cool when stonewashed was cool. It was like…L.A. Gear, or uhhh…WAIT, what was it? Ellesse, but that was sneakers…screw it. But not Jordache. But I did have a stonewashed jacket that I stonewashed myself, AND I wrote all over it — who I loved, which bands were the best (New Kids). All that. It was awesome. And Shannon had a stonewashed denim jacket that she put mime pins all over.

19. L.A. Gear….need I say more?
Yes, you could mention if they made jackets. But, wait, hold up. Did Gear bags come from L.A. Gear??? Because that would make SO much sense! But no one EVER remembers Gear bags except for me — do YOU???

20. You wanted to change your name to “JEM” in Kindergarten. (She’s Truly Outrageous.)
Hahahaha. “Kindergarten.”

21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all The Ramona books.
What’s with the random capitalization, List? And yes! Yay! Judy Blume ruled of course, but Beverly Cleary is the WOMAN, and the Ramona books kicked ASS. They still do. Seriously, you want a nice night? Read a Ramona book!

22. You know the profound meaning of “WAX ON, WAX OFF”
Indeed. RIP Mr. Miyagi awwww.

23. You wanted to be a Goonie.

24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us…head-to-toe)
Yes! That was The Big Goal of 1985 — to collect all four sets neon anklets. I mean anklets the socks, not the jewelry. And they went much like candy flavors. The yellow and green were easiest to acquire. Then the orange. Finally the pink. But the REAL treasure, the way you could really prove you were “in style,” was to have the BLUE neon socks. Those were a rare commodity. Then, fluorescent was resurrected in 1989, and this time, I got to combine my newfound fashion courage with some AMAZING neon stockings, that totally matched my big t-shirts, and were worn with bicycle shorts. So hot.

25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
Aww, that is mean.

26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
Please, not this again.

27. You took lunch boxes to school…and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.
OH YEAH! Lunchboxes RULED! And not the pussy bullshit kids have now, but the hardcore metal ones that you could totally hurt someone with, and would rust, and the thermoses that held one ounce of apple juice that would then smell like apple juice forevermore and either way you’d be pissed that your mom wouldn’t spring for a juicebox.

As for Garbage Pail Kids — I loved them. Once, I bought an entire box of series two, JUST to get Live Mike. I’m not kidding. He was terribly elusive, and it was driving me to MADNESS. Joltin’ Joe was absolutely NO problem, but Live Mike…so I spent like 25 dollars to get a whole box just for the one effing card. I can still taste the hard, powdery gum.

28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
The craze, yes. I was never anywhere they were banned, I don’t think.

29. You still get the urge to say “NOT” after every sentence.
NO I sure do not. Heh. No, but really, I always thought that was incredibly obnoxious.

30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
Wait, what was that? I feel like I do, but I’m not sure.

31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
No. WTF.

32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
No! Weren’t they brother and sister?? Or was that Teela. Either way, He-Man was not into girls, and She-ra was lame. I’m sorry, but she was.

33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
No, see, at South Shore, it was all about the acquisition of bracelets. We’d furiously make them in the back of the room, for ourselves, because whoever had the most was the coolest. It was great when Mr. Emilio was subbing, because he had a glass eye, and there was one area in the room where you could sit and make bracelets the entire period, and he couldn’t tell.

34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
Yes! Kelly gave me a white pair for my 9th birthday! Then later on, I got a pink pair. There were three main kinds of jellies, you see. The ones with the hard-ish plastic and little holes. Those were cool. Then there were the ones with clear, less hard plastic that were criss-crossed. I liked those too. I did not, however, like the ones with soft plastic that were just like, lines. I hated those.

35. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”
No, I left that to Smurf. (Hi, Mike!) He basically talked like Pee-Wee Herman about 70% of the time.

36. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
Yes. Hey, speaking of which, were those commercials TRYING to be funny? ‘Cause you always like, felt as though you should feel bad laughing at them? But they were awesome.

37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
Absolutely! Ah, man. Roller skating. Some of the best memories ever.

38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
No, dude, I could rock the Slip and Slide. A few cuts and bruises came with the joy.

39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
Yes. That was like, two years ago, though.

40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald’s.
Did I? McDonald’s? I’m not sure. I did, however, kiss Jeffrey Paradise square on the mouth in the backseat of his mom’s car when I was six years old, and he just finished his birthday party at Burger King. Fast-food birthday parties get me randy, I guess.

41. You’ve gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
I hate these ones, where they think they’re all, “Gotcha!” I mean, WHY ELSE WOULD I BE READING THIS!

42. You remember Popples.
Yes, but I never had one.

43. Don’t worry, be happy.
Uh huh.

44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
Not EIGHT. You can’t do that many pairs of socks with high-tops. It was like, three, max.

45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do..getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family).
What? I mean, yes, yes I did, that was part of the cheerleading uniform, but NO not still now!

46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
Haha, yes, I did try this. I’m sure I looked VERY cool.

47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
Gremlins = <3333333 I saw the first one at a drive-in! It was on a double bill with "Never Say Never Again," a James Bond movie! And I saw the second one with Devon since we refused to see "Days of Thunder" with Shannon on her Big Date.

48. You know what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare!!”
I didn’t watch the cartoon, just LOVED the bears themselves.

49. You remember watching Rainbow Brite and & My Little Pony Tales.
No, same answer as 48.

50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
Of course Samantha was hot! Doogie — no. Maybe if I’d watched the show more, but my early ’90s celebrity love was reserved entirely for the New Kids, my July ’89 affair with David Faustino notwithstanding.

51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
I loved my Alf shirt.

52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool…and don’t even flinch when people refer to them as “NKOTB.”
I DO flinch at the “NKOTB.” That was a dark time. And they still are cool. Shut up.

53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell,” The ORIGINAL class.
Well, why the HELL would I know the names and life stories of the NEW class?

54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi – SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
I EVEN know the actual title. Geez, List.

55. You just sang those words to yourself.
No.

56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
I know that is a basketball reference, but no.

57. You remember when mullets were cool!
Yes, I do :-/

58. You had a mullet!
No! I had feathered bangs, and lots of bad stuff happening with my hair, but not a mullet.

59. You still sing “We are the World.”
Yay!

60. You tight rolled your jeans.
Yeahhhh. Sorry about that.

61. You owned a banana clip.
Yes, but they totally only looked cute when I had a perm.

62. You remember “Where’s the Beef?”
Sure.

63. You used to (and probably still do) say “What you talkin’ ’bout Willis?”
Why, do I look like a douchebag?

64. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
Haha, I didn’t have BIG hair, just HARD hair. Sometimes crispy. But I never liked BIG, big hair.

65. You’re still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren’t you!
No. I’m also not singing “YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME.” I mean, come on, now.

-September 15, 2006

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Reasons Why “Trojan War” Is The Best Movie Ever Made

Posted on June 14, 2011 by judisunshine

1. You get to watch the “Boy Meets World” guy try to get laid, and who among us has not wished for that?

2. Witness the early stirrings of love between Will Friedle and Jennifer Love Hewitt, before she traded up for Carson Daly.

3. This may be the only movie that managed to cram in every single teen movie cliche ever, into one movie, and have it only be 84 minutes long.

4. I got to watch it on a Saturday night, home by myself!

5. Will Friedle’s name is Brad, possibly the most self-conscious a naming as ever I’ve seen. It’s like a really delicate balance between Everyman and Possible Guy You Might Find Attractive.

6. It has that chick in it who is like a cartoon Heather Graham, if such a thing is possible. She’s very beautiful and has starred in every Lifetime movie ever made, PLUS “Sugar and Spice,” and you have seen her a million times, but you will never remember her.

7. Also, she is the only actress besides Selma Blair who manages to be completely unsympathetic and unlikable in every role she’s ever in, even when she dies from getting hit by a car because she is bulimic.

8. NINJAS.

9. Jennifer Love Hewitt “acts” by not wearing makeup or brushing her hair.

10. I think? We are supposed to be rooting for Hewitt (whose name is Leah), because she is the Mary Stuart Masterson in this equation, but although she does pick up Will Friedle at one point which is kind of like driving a limo, she never plays the drums, and also every single time she is around Brad, she seems like she HATES him.

11. Abovementioned Heather Graham Lite (Brooke) wears the weirdest bra ever in the almost-sex scene, like it’s white and plain, so it’s a) not sexy — fine for accidental sex, but also strapless, so b) not practical — fine for planned sex, but the combo of the two is strange, cause she didnt need it strapless for her outfit, ya know?

12. The most ambitious side plot I’ve ever seen in a teen romance, we’re talking “Harold and Kumar” in proportions, I mean there were like, motorcycles? And graffiti, something really important with graffiti and nipples on a mural or something, and like, gang warfare.

13. LEE MAJORS.

14. I’m pretty sure that at one point, Brad has a conversation about sex with his dad, and that it’s fairly funny.

15. Eric Balfour’s in it, after he did “Kids, Incorporated,” but before he did “Buffy” or “Six Feet Under,” and yet somehow still looks really old.

16. And at one point, we are treated to the wacky hilarity of him getting bit in the balls by a dog. ‘Cause I guess, not wanting your girlfriend to sleep with Will Friedle means you deserve to have your genitalia mauled.

17. OMG I totally forgot about the Latin dance contest!

18. They have that whole “is she deeper than it would seem?” thing going on with Brooke (as you must), like she is all wanting to do well in science, and looking at Eric Balfour disapprovingly when he is not nice, so you think, maybe Brad is sliding to the cooler end of his Bradness.

19. And besides, seriously, Leah is a total bitch.

20. But then that is besides the point, as the writers have definitely smoked mad pot and possibly crack as well because they totally get into the action-adventure film with the gangs, and are like, eh, oh right, Brooke. Whatever. Kind of like when J.J. Abrams started working on “Alias” and forgot about “Felicity.” But anyway, so then out of nowhere Brooke is a bitch and not because Brad leaves her to go get a condom and doesn’t come back for 12 years, but because — well, no one knows why. Because they needed to get him together with Leah, OKAY?

21. The cast list includes not only “Lead Homeboy,” but also “Biggest Homeboy.” But wait, wouldn’t the Lead Homeboy BE the Biggest Homeboy? I’m so confused.

22. In the end, Leah shows up to the party, and she is allowed to have Brad, not because she has improved her personality, but because she curled her hair and is showing some cleavage.

© April 21, 2006

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Things I Am Just Not In The Mood For Today

Posted on June 10, 2011 by judisunshine

1. Giggling, squealing, and/or baby talk. If I am going to be subjected to coquettish behavior, then Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh had damn well better be involved.

2. Strong arming by my iPod. Seriously, I have 500 songs on it, 30 new ones since last night, so why exactly will it only play Lauryn Hill this morning?

3. Anyone referring to Chris Daughtry as a “rocker.” First of all, no. Second of all, what does that even mean???

4. Bad music. Shut up, Rihanna and your horrible new song.

5. Creepy people who just sit there in the bathroom stall silently, like you walk in to use the facilities, and there is just that person next door, and there is palpable tension in the air, that’s how badly they want you to leave, and you know, fine, I got your back, Mystery Lady, but at least give a little rustle, or a knock on the metal dispenser, or SOMETHING.

6. Multiple sneezers.

7. Anyone talking to me who is not going to be interesting.

8. “Vote for Pedro” shirts. They’re REALLY played out, and weren’t that funny to begin with.

9. People who speak in hushed tones right next to you, like they come over to your cubiclemate and they start whispering, I mean, what is that ABOUT? It makes me feel awkward, like I have to not seem like I’m listening, but meanwhile, take your conversation elsewhere, please.

10. Whining.

(Yes, I see the irony.)

© May 2, 2006

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Weak Conversation

Posted on June 8, 2011 by judisunshine

I think I have finally reached my breaking point with the whole talking about what day it is thing. Holy crap! Like office chatter isn’t supremely irritating enough, especially if you are given to misanthropic tendencies. But this week is a special case because you see, it was the Fourth of July! How was your Fourth? What did you do for the Fourth? Barbecue this, rain that, I DON’T CARE! Not that I don’t care about people, per se, I love the people in my life with a fierceness, and I care about like, mankind, and whathaveyou, but…it’s not about the intentions, which are lovely, it’s about the “Groundhog’s Day” repetition day in and day out. I really don’t know how much longer I can take hearing the SAME EXACT things every single week!!!

Monday:
How are you? Yeah, it’s Monday. Oh, it’s only Monday. The weekend just flew by! It sure did, and now here we are again, back to Monday.

Tuesday:
Well, at least it’s not Monday. Tomorrow’s Wednesday!

Wednesday:
Wow, it’s Wednesday, already? I thought it was Tuesday when I woke up. No, it’s already Wednesday. Happy Hump Day!

Thursday:
Can you believe its already Thursday? I know, the week flies by! I thought it was Friday when I woke up. No, it’s Thursday. Yay, tomorrow’s Friday!

Friday:
TGIF! It’s Friday! Can you believe it’s Friday? The week sure went fast! Doesn’t it feel like it was just Monday? Oh, before you know it, it will be Monday again! HAHAHAHHAHA!

EVERY SINGLE WEEK, this goes on and on, and with absolutely no irony! That’s the worst part, I think. Like, it’s not FUNNY when people quote “Office Space” regarding cases of the Mondays, but it at least reflects a glimmer of awareness that maybe the person is aware that s/he is a walking parody of office life. But it’s like…MUST we? Really? Again? Because weeks like this — see, we had off Monday and Tuesday for the Fourth. Lovely. Fine. I’m very grateful. But then yesterday our ceiling fell down because of the rain, and so we got sent home at 11 a.m.

Now, I admit — it’s a freakin’ weird week! I’m out of sorts, discombobulated, deh deh deh deh deh ™Babz, but come on. All day long, people will not cut it out with:

It feels like Monday!
Well yesterday was Monday, today is Tuesday!
Yesterday SHOULD have been Monday!
Tomorrow’s Tuesday!
Hahahhahah!

Guys…get a grip. Today? Is Thursday. Tomorrow? Is Friday. I’m not kidding. Can we please move on to other things?

I’m sorry, I’m just cranky. It must be all this rain. Can you BELIEVE all the rain we’ve been having? Wow…

– July 8, 2006

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How Not To Get Laid: A Scene From 2004

Posted on June 7, 2011 by judisunshine

The Setup: Me falling asleep on one couch, at a friend’s. Guy whom I’d just met that night, and who’d lost me at “I only listen to jam bands,” on the other.

Silence.

Guy: Do you want to come over here?

Me: No.

Guy: …

Me:…

Guy: I don’t want to have sex, I just want to cuddle.

Me: (!!!)

Me: That’s okay.

Me: (trying not to laugh)

Not one minute later: Guy leaves house.

Posted in Friends, Going Out, Romance, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

2:30 Awww

Posted on June 7, 2011 by judisunshine

So as some of you may know, I’ve been suffering from a terrible toothache that began midway through my cruise. This has been held at bay over the past week, to varying degrees of success, by: 4 different prescription painkillers, salt water, half a bottle of Chloraseptic, Anbesol (Thanks, Grace!), whiskey, Scotch, brandy, and more ibuprofen than anyone should ever take. I know; I’m Matthew Perry. But the worst part is not that I’m a walking poster for the Betty Ford clinic, but rather that none of it has made a bit of difference. I mean, from the sound of it, I should be drooling peacefully in a corner somewhere — literally, after the Anbesol! But instead, I have been privileged to little bouts of pain-free existence that disappear without notice and leave me feeling like the inside of my mouth is that scene in the mine with the seven dwarves, although I think there were more than seven in that scene? But wherever they went when hi-ho, off to work they’d go.

Either way. The problem has been exacerbated by God’s comedy act, in which it seems every other ad I’ve proofread since returning to work has been for a dentist of some nature. And can I just say, WTF! I know it’s been awhile since I’ve gone to the dentist, hence the Grumpy/Dopey party in my mouth, but since when do dentists offer private televisions! Massage chairs! Aromatherapy! Like, where are the mud wraps and eye cucumbers, while we’re at it! This world scares me.

But my point in writing about all of this is not to make y’all feel sorry for me, although if anyone wants to send some Vicodin et al. my way s/he is more than welcome to! (Just kidding.) (Not really.) It is to share with you the unexpected joys of this thing known as “morning!”

I awoke with a start to see what was the matter, as inside my head there arose such a clatter! And since Dr. von Rockenstein and Chip are staying with my parents, it could only be one thing — the inside of my head.

HORRIBLE. I couldn’t get relief, no matter what I did. And I totally had 2 more hours of sleep I could have gotten! And I was sleepy. (Fitting, I guess, what with the whole dwarf theme.) But no matter what I did, my whole head throbbed and throbbed.

I tried taking 3 ibuprofen. I tried taking half a Vicodin. Kids, don’t try this at home! The Chloraseptic spray mocked me, for every time I sprayed it in my mouth, the pain would cease, but then would return the second I swallowed it.

(That’s what she said.)

Moving on! So I lay very still, trying to figure out a way to keep the Chloraseptic in my mouth long enough to fall asleep, without succumbing to a John Bonhamesque death, but to no avail. Finally, I had to admit defeat.

I bitterly tore off the covers and stumbled into the shower. What a freaking waste of Vicodin — on pain. And it didn’t even work! And my shower — what a disaster THAT was! I had to keep hopping out to spray more Chloraseptic in my mouth. This sure isn’t going to work in public, I thought to myself. So I tried to breathe and relax myself out of the pain, while I glared at my clothes that were still in the suitcase, thinking that if bending my head down weren’t so agonizing, I could totally wear a cute skirt outfit — conveniently forgetting, of course, that if I felt fine, I would be sleeping in bed until the last possible second, then throwing on a sweatshirt and doing my makeup in the car. For this is how I roll. Literally and figuratively!

Anyway! I did begin to notice some good things about this waking up early phenomenon. For one thing, I got to find out how Veronica Mars got back Polly the Parrot from the rival high school team. For another, I got to deliberately choose a necklace that matched my outfit. I couldn’t find it, but that is neither here nor there.

Finally, I was outside, and this is where I broke down and turned to the dark side, ironically speaking. Because seriously, early summer morning is the Achilles’ heel for this hardcore night person. And every time I experience one, which is rare, unless I am falling asleep DURING it, I wish that I were a morning person.

And yes, I know it’s not summer yet. But you know what I mean. There is that perfect point in the day when the sun has not completely risen to the top of the sky, but things are past the point of full-on dew, and the result is this sparkly, crisp, clean air that manages to feel somehow like every early summer morning you’ve ever known. It looks and smells fresh, untouched, and like a secret that only a privileged few are getting to share. Actually, I think I like early mornings for that especially — the secret part — which happens to be exactly why I love late nights.

There is also something surprisingly lovely about driving to work and knowing that regardless of how many irritating trucks burst out like Christine in front of you, only to slow down about 70 miles for the rest of the one-way drive, you will still not be late to work. In fact, I stopped at Town Bagel, and it was delightfully enough, NOT filled with Plainview ladies and their loud, screaming children! So uplifted was I by the whole thing, that I deliberately picked out a fruit/nonfat yogurt breakfast. To my health! 27-drug cocktail notwithstanding!

THEN! I get to work and man, you can count the cars in the parking lot at 7:45am on…well, two hands, but ya know, it was like a deserted cemetery compared to the Indy 500 I am accustomed to at 8:37 in the morning, when everyone rushes like madmen to the earlier time clock by the cafeteria, just to hedge their bets.

And the reactions of the usual early birds? Awesome! Double — though unfortunately, not spit — takes were involved! And it was very relaxing, getting to sit and nestle into my desk without the usual banal chatter coming at me from every direction like suppressive fire.

So maybe I will do this again tomorrow. Actually, since I can’t seem to get my stupid dental insurance information, I will probably have to. Only tomorrow will probably be even earlier, since I am out of the aforementioned Vicodin. As far as I understand it, that time of day is less pretty, but more artistically interesting, due to everyone’s being either an insane jogger, an insane business executive, or an insane drunk person left over from the night before. Not that I’d know anything about the last one. Actually, maybe I’ll just be the last one tomorrow — same results, but more fun getting there!

(Just kidding.)

(Really.)

© May 23, 2006

Posted in Apartments & Other Domiciles, Cats, Going Out, Miscellaneous, Work | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Salisbury Stakes

Posted on June 5, 2011 by judisunshine

Okay, yes. I am in a mood — true story! But I am frustrated! It’s all encapsulated in my lunchtime adventures. See, I went to look at an apartment during my lunch hour. It’s in my price range, and there was a balcony. A balcony! I loved that. And skylights! So there was this part of me that got all — well I can’t think of a fitting analogy right now because I am lightheaded (more on that later), but I’ve been so poor for so long. You know, working hard, two jobs every day, just like Thea, but at least she had a house! I live in the hatch! Which is fine, but now I have to move out by August.

So yay, more moving. U-Haul, how I missed you so. But did you know that it’s next to impossible to find an apartment for $900? That’s how much I am paying now, and struggling to do so!

Anyway, I found an ad for this apartment, and though it was in Salisbury, which I had no idea was a town, and though it was not on my beloved Babylon train line, it was supposedly close to my job and also, see above, re: skylights and balconies! I used my lunch hour to see it, and first of all, it took a LONG TIME to get there; it was not close to my job at all!

Strike one.

But I got there with no real problems aside from the fact that everything on the radio sucked the whole way, and driving at lunchtime in the sun with some good music is one of my timeless pleasures in life. I know, CD player. But, a) I don’t have one, and b) I’m driving my mom’s minivan this week (more on that later).

Once at the house, I see that the landlords have a big, huge, barking dog!

Strike two.

Sorry, I do love dogs, but I am afraid of big ones, due to my nightmares. I have nightmares about airplanes and dogs, mainly, with the occasional whale thrown in for good measure, and while I have yet to experience any whale catastrophes (knock on wood), my plane dreams are eerily prescient, and I have no desire to tempt fate by shacking up with a big scary dog who has no loyalty to me.

Where was I? Oh okay, so then the lady led me upstairs. Very cute, wooden stairs. Very windy (as in wine-dy, not breezy) and narrow.

Strike three.

Don’t get me wrong, I was quite charmed by this. I love wood (yeah yeah, ha ha, stay with me here!) but I’ve experienced enough couch drama to last a lifetime without actually MOCKING fate by acting like I’m getting my big-ass couch up this Statue of Liberty staircase!

But hey. Maybe I could give my parents my couch and get something from Babz’s church, also known as IKEA. Especially after seeing the balcony, which was adorable and lovely! I don’t really do the morning thing, but I was having Taster’s Choice-esque visions of coffee with my mother on the weekends.

What’s the opposite of strike? Oh, a hit! Hit one!

We went inside, and there was a ton of sun! And it was very pretty and homey, with slanted ceilings — not for everyone, but I love them!

Hit two!

Unfortunately, the stove was very little. It reminded me of my magnet of a stove. Oh, have I ever mentioned that my beloved magnet collection was a casualty of The Non-Storage Incident Of 2004? This seems like the place to do it. RIP, “Wake up little sushi” magnet of awesomeness. But I do have a tiny tiny stove on my refrigerator, and this looked like it.

Strike four!

I really love to cook and bake. I don’t do it super often (see above, re: my Thea existence), but this was just too small.

But still…maybe things would balance out. The bathroom was also small, with no tub. No strike, no hit, because that’s what I’m used to.

There was mad storage everywhere. I think the guy was preparing for Y2K or something. There was a stunning amount of shelves, drawers, you name it, built into every single wall!

Hit three!

You can’t underestimate storage space in an apartment. Especially for a packrat like myself.

Then there was the bedroom. VERY big, very beautiful. Yay!

Hit four!

Wait.

Wait!

There was no living room. Oh no!

Strike five!

It was so weird! I mean, I’ve done the whole living room/kitchen combo thing. That’s fine. But there was no combo to the kitchen. It was just…a kitchen. And yes, the bedroom was big. Big enough for my couch even, assuming my telekinetic powers finally kicked in over the next few weeks, and I could get it up the wooden stairs.

But no. Maybe for a hundred less a month. Though, man — the skylights…that balcony…okay, maybe.

“We need a tenant in the next two weeks, June 1st at the very latest.”

Strike six!

I actually knew this ahead of time. But now that I was going to have to get rid of and/or levitate my couch, as well as figure out where in the world to put my computer, this felt overwhelming to me.

Still…MAD storage space

There remained one final, deciding, make-or-break factor. I had to feel out the “Will you be a warden” situation. I very gingerly approached the subject of having people over, using the words “now and then” and “not big parties.” She (I say “she” because she never told me her name) —

— Oops! Strike seven!

I mean, she knew my name.

But so anyway, she started talking about how she and her husband were old (they weren’t), and they didn’t want loud music, that they “didn’t tolerate it from their kids, so (they) definitely wouldn’t now.”

Strike eight!

Dude, I don’t even look like the loud music type! But I’ll be damned if I can’t bust out some Carrie Underwood et al. while doing my Sing CD in the shower on a Saturday afternoon!

Then she made mention of her current tenant. “Her boyfriend comes up from Georgia now and then…”

“Georgia”?

“…and he stays over, so we don’t mind the occasional visitor in moderation, but of course, nothing –”

— Okay, I honestly don’t remember the word she used here, but it carried with it the strong implications of “9 ½ Weeks” being reenacted above her head, but like, “9 ½ Weeks” with, I don’t even know. Chain mail or something.

And while I don’t actually own any chain mail (though I still really would like a sword and also some fencing equipment), I don’t need to feel like I’m sneaking boys into my room if I have people over.

So, yeah. It was all over. Two many strikes. Eight, in fact. Nine, if you include the fact that the directions were not great, and I of course had to get back to work in the most ridiculous way imaginable, due to my previously discussed directional disability. Like, the Meadowbrook Parkway was involved. You may not know all the logistics of this, but trust me, the Meadowbrook Parkway should not have been involved.

Ten strikes, if you count the fact that my mother called on my way back to tell me my car inspection bills totaled $778.00. (This was why I had her minivan. She took my car in for me, God bless her soul.) Okay, that has nothing to do with the apartment. But I was late getting back to work. So that can be ten.

Eleven, if you include that I still haven’t eaten today, since I’m low carbing it to sexify (TM Peter Griffin) myself for the cruise and could not stop for salad.

So now I’m hungry, sad, and docked a half hour’s pay. And homeless! Not literally, but still. I really, really don’t want to move back to my parents’ house again. Not because of my family at all, just out of principle and also because the idea of having a POD in my yard freaks me out a little.

And really, all this stopping and starting is taking a bit of a toll. I know, such is life, and I am blessed in so many ways…but still. The idea of spending two Christmases in a row at the same place is nice. I’d like to feel like I have a home. And even though my apartment is currently a basement, it was starting to feel a bit like one, what with rounding the corner to my year anniversary there. Oh, well. Maybe my parents can build a balcony outside the computer room.

© May 3, 2006

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And I Don’t Even Like The Mall!*

Posted on June 3, 2011 by judisunshine

So most of you know that I have no sense of direction. As in, it is absent from my being. It’s not a matter of paying attention; it’s not a matter of practice; it’s not a matter of doing fewer tequila shots at the bar. Well, sometimes it is.

But still. It’s just not a part of me. Even when I try valiantly to pay attention to where I have been, in order to gain a better understanding of where I need to go, it doesn’t work. After two or more turns, everything I’ve retained just — * poof * — gone. Wiped clean like “Memento” guy’s short-term memory.

People don’t understand this, or believe this. Either they think I’m too smart in general, or that NO ONE could be that stupid. Maybe both. But often times, the people who are affected by my directional challenge seem almost offended, like I’m trying to pull one over on them or something. And I understand this. I can remember the title of every “Buffy” episode and what Shannon wore to our 9th grade science fair, but I still get lost on the way to work sometimes.

No, I am not kidding.

Why my brain is this way, I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I can get lost anywhere. And it’s tough, because there really isn’t great cultural awareness about a problem like mine. Maybe what I need to do is make an Afterschool Special about it so people will know. Actually, maybe I should do that anyway, because that would be awesome. PRODUCERS! Call me! Although there aren’t afterschool specials any more, which is so sad. Granted, there are Lifetime Movies, which, let us all bow our heads to the brilliance for a moment, but there’s a lot of sifting through earnest original television series and Susan Lucci movies to get to the good stuff about eating disorders and that actress who looks like if you crossed Natalie Portman with the chick who plays Taylor Townsend on “The O.C.” But more on that another time.

Anyway. So yeah, I’ve gotten lost a lot. I’ve thought I was in Malverne when I was in Cold Spring Harbor. I’ve been late to ShopRite because seriously, the entrance to the 135 from Jerusalem Avenue vanished. I had a serious relationship with a guy who lived in my town of 15 years and still couldn’t find my way to Sunrise Highway…which was around the block from him…sometimes. Okay, most times. But none of these instances prepared me for last night.

Okay, so as those of you who love me enough to read my bulletins know, I got an iPod, thanks to Greg. And I have no idea what I’m doing, but I did manage to get “Appetite for Destruction” and other assorted good songs for jogging in (on?) it. One of the main reasons I wanted an iPod was so that I’d start jogging again. I was REALLY not in the mood last night, but I forced myself, saying I could walk or jog, whatever, but I had to be out for 10 songs.

And what better way to make sure I did not come home early, but to use my God-given skills at getting hopelessly lost! Excellent. I set out on my journey, and quickly got into the experience. Sure, I had no idea what to do with the newfangled “iPod” contraption, but I did figure out that the right arrow button meant “skip.” The air was nice and chilly but not too cold, the streets were dark, and I had music. It was great.

But I still wanted to challenge myself, so anywhere I could make a turn, I did. I live in North-ish Merrick, where the streets are twisty and seriously, like I guess there is some town ordinance that states every street must have multiple counterparts, because there are like 12 Park Avenues, but that is not good enough, because there also has to be Park Place and Park Street and Park Boulevard, and unlike my other hood, Baldwin Harbor, there is no rhyme or reason to the street names, I mean at least in Baldwin there is the presidents section to save you before you get lost forever in the Harbor-Harbor down by the park and the Christmas house that’s like the 9 ¾ track from Harry Potter, in that it absolutely cannot be found by mere mortals.

What was my point? Oh yeah, just that Merrick doesn’t roll like that, because there will be the 75 different Parks, but then all of a sudden? Horatio Place. And so on and so forth. All of which is to say that I was getting good and lost. I’ve been half an hour late to work by car for way less than the way I was walking around last night.

About eight songs and forty minutes later of throwing caution to the wind and wandering the dark, twisty streets, knowing I was probably going to end up in East Meadow or something, I saw a light ahead. Oh, I wonder what street I’m coming up to, I thought. One thing was for sure – it was going to take me awhile to get home. I forged ahead, really digging this Modest Mouse song that I’d never heard before.

I got to the new block, and could not believe my eyes.

I was a block away from my house.

The street was Camp Avenue, which is right next to Park Avenue, my street.

I was literally stopped in my tracks, jaw agape. I could not believe this had happened. Like, is this the trick??? To TRY valiantly to get lost, and I’ll end up exactly where I need to be???

As I stood there, I really was having a slightly out-of-body experience. Often in my life, the line between the natural and the supernatural, and between the waking and dreaming, has been severely blurred. This was feeling like one of those times. I mean, I know I have no sense of direction, but this felt…bigger. And creepy.

But not as creepy as what came next.

As I stood there feeling like the butt of some cosmic joke, wanting to laugh, but feeling completely unnerved, the Modest Mouse song started wrapping up, and this is what I heard:

The universe is shaped exactly like the Earth
If you go straight long enough you’ll end up where you were

So now that I’ve reenacted “The Blair Witch Project” complete with ironic score and “Wizard of Oz” undertones, I can’t wait to see what happens on my next walkabout. But if you don’t hear from me for 24 hours, call the police and tell them I’m missing, and that they should look for me either really far away, or like, right next to my house.

© March 7, 2006

*If you get this reference, I’ll totally buy you a drink next time I see you.

Posted in Apartments & Other Domiciles, Body Image, Miscellaneous, Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments