So I know I’m not a mom, and it’s a very hard job, and I won’t understand until I have a kid of my own, yada, yada, yada.

Still.

I feel that it is very important for me as an objective onlooker to say that, women of the world, y’all need to calm the fuck down in public restrooms, or we are going to raise a generation of PSYCHOS.

Now I have always understood that there are different levels of germophobia, and I do see how a public bathroom can be a daunting place of business for some. But I must say that the majority of my sympathy was erased after I wiped one too many drops of piss off a toilet seat before getting to go myself.

FOR REAL, PEOPLE. What the hell is up with that? It’s a toilet seat, it’s not hypodermic needles washing to shore. Yes, there may be germs on it. If you are that worried, bring some Lysol. Use a seat cover, or toilet paper. Squat if you must. But the thing is, it is really your problem to deal with. You still chose to use that public — emphasis on public — restroom. And what I mean by this is, stop pissing on the toilet seats! Stop LEAVING toilet paper all over the seats. ‘Cause you know what’s even grosser than a toilet seat covered with invisible germs? A toilet seat covered with your VISIBLE germs!

I’ve known for quite awhile that this is a problem facing America, but I honestly had no idea how deeply it ran until I started working at a restaurant again. I don’t want to get in trouble for naming the place, so let’s just calling it Big Rock Stream. I generally like the guests in that restaurant, as far as these things go. But MAN ALIVE, going into that bathroom is a real stressful scenario if there are women and children in there!

“No! No! Don’t touch the seat!”

“Don’t touch that!”

“NO! THAT IS DIRTY!”

“GERMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

So much yelling and frantic behavior. It is insane. Am I just looking at my past through rose-colored glasses, or was it not always this way? We did a lot of traveling and eating at restaurants throughout my life, so I am no stranger to public restrooms. And I honestly don’t remember all of the…YELLING.

It’s like, I’m sure it is a daunting task, teaching kids to protect themselves from life’s dangers. But what I am saying is, maybe while you’re at a restaurant, instead of teaching your kids to associate the very normal need of going to the bathroom with a circus of fear, you could, I don’t know. Teach them not to SCREAM AND YELL when the waitress is taking your order.

The thing that I don’t get is, yes, yes, it’s a little weird to think about, putting your naked ass on a seat that others have been on. But like, you touch money? All the time. Do you run around in circles, yelling and Purelling everything until finally throwing the money at a cashier with your feet? No. No you don’t. Because if you did, I’m pretty sure I would have seen it at ShopRite.

Things are dirty. Bathrooms can be dirty. But if you think about it, how much extra effort is put into sanitizing and cleaning a bathroom? It’s probably one of the less inherently dirty rooms you can enter, in that regard. So maybe we can all just calm down a little bit and lower the decibel level in the bathroom, is all I’m saying.

© November 29, 2006