Reasons Why “Trojan War” Is The Best Movie Ever Made

1. You get to watch the “Boy Meets World” guy try to get laid, and who among us has not wished for that?

2. Witness the early stirrings of love between Will Friedle and Jennifer Love Hewitt, before she traded up for Carson Daly.

3. This may be the only movie that managed to cram in every single teen movie cliche ever, into one movie, and have it only be 84 minutes long.

4. I got to watch it on a Saturday night, home by myself!

5. Will Friedle’s name is Brad, possibly the most self-conscious a naming as ever I’ve seen. It’s like a really delicate balance between Everyman and Possible Guy You Might Find Attractive.

6. It has that chick in it who is like a cartoon Heather Graham, if such a thing is possible. She’s very beautiful and has starred in every Lifetime movie ever made, PLUS “Sugar and Spice,” and you have seen her a million times, but you will never remember her.

7. Also, she is the only actress besides Selma Blair who manages to be completely unsympathetic and unlikable in every role she’s ever in, even when she dies from getting hit by a car because she is bulimic.

8. NINJAS.

9. Jennifer Love Hewitt “acts” by not wearing makeup or brushing her hair.

10. I think? We are supposed to be rooting for Hewitt (whose name is Leah), because she is the Mary Stuart Masterson in this equation, but although she does pick up Will Friedle at one point which is kind of like driving a limo, she never plays the drums, and also every single time she is around Brad, she seems like she HATES him.

11. Abovementioned Heather Graham Lite (Brooke) wears the weirdest bra ever in the almost-sex scene, like it’s white and plain, so it’s a) not sexy — fine for accidental sex, but also strapless, so b) not practical — fine for planned sex, but the combo of the two is strange, cause she didnt need it strapless for her outfit, ya know?

12. The most ambitious side plot I’ve ever seen in a teen romance, we’re talking “Harold and Kumar” in proportions, I mean there were like, motorcycles? And graffiti, something really important with graffiti and nipples on a mural or something, and like, gang warfare.

13. LEE MAJORS.

14. I’m pretty sure that at one point, Brad has a conversation about sex with his dad, and that it’s fairly funny.

15. Eric Balfour’s in it, after he did “Kids, Incorporated,” but before he did “Buffy” or “Six Feet Under,” and yet somehow still looks really old.

16. And at one point, we are treated to the wacky hilarity of him getting bit in the balls by a dog. ‘Cause I guess, not wanting your girlfriend to sleep with Will Friedle means you deserve to have your genitalia mauled.

17. OMG I totally forgot about the Latin dance contest!

18. They have that whole “is she deeper than it would seem?” thing going on with Brooke (as you must), like she is all wanting to do well in science, and looking at Eric Balfour disapprovingly when he is not nice, so you think, maybe Brad is sliding to the cooler end of his Bradness.

19. And besides, seriously, Leah is a total bitch.

20. But then that is besides the point, as the writers have definitely smoked mad pot and possibly crack as well because they totally get into the action-adventure film with the gangs, and are like, eh, oh right, Brooke. Whatever. Kind of like when J.J. Abrams started working on “Alias” and forgot about “Felicity.” But anyway, so then out of nowhere Brooke is a bitch and not because Brad leaves her to go get a condom and doesn’t come back for 12 years, but because — well, no one knows why. Because they needed to get him together with Leah, OKAY?

21. The cast list includes not only “Lead Homeboy,” but also “Biggest Homeboy.” But wait, wouldn’t the Lead Homeboy BE the Biggest Homeboy? I’m so confused.

22. In the end, Leah shows up to the party, and she is allowed to have Brad, not because she has improved her personality, but because she curled her hair and is showing some cleavage.

© April 21, 2006

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