True story: I have both Tiffany albums in my iPod. And by both, I mean, the two that I know of — “Tiffany” and “Hold An Old Friend’s Hand.” Tiffany holds the ultimate key to my heart, as she sang dramatic girl music when I was in junior high. She was the Brenda Walsh to Debbie Gibson’s Kelly Taylor. When you needed your music a little edgier, Tiffany was there.

But how does her debut album hold up in 2006, now that I am old and wise? Let’s find out!

1. Should’ve Been Me

THEN: Oh man, did I ever feel this song when I was in jr. high! No boys liked me. So while I could not relate to the “breakup” aspect of the song, I totally empathized with the jealousy factor.

NOW: Wow. There are horns. And what sounds like…a slide whistle? The ’80s were INTENSE.

GRADE: B

2. Danny

THEN: My FAVORITE song. So sexy. I was a very innocent girl, but I really thought I could understand how hard it is to stop when you’re all caught up in passion. With DANNY.

NOW: Hmmm. Well, points for the thunder, for sure! The part right before the chorus still gives me chills, but I can’t say that this makes me feel all sexy anymore. But maybe that’s ’cause I’m sitting at my desk.

GRADE: B-

3. Spanish Eyes

THEN: I hated this song. I never believed “sultry” Tiffany. Jealous Tiffany, sure. Sad Tiffany? Absolutely! Anxious Tiffany? I’m there. But I don’t buy this at all. And it’s horribly repetitive, and sounds like it was recorded on a Casio. Like, more than usual. And with no awesome thunder like “Danny,” or wacked out craziness like “Should’ve Been Me.”

NOW: Same.

GRADE: F

4. Feelings of Forever

THEN: Oh my. I LOVVVVVED this song. I’ve always been ridiculously sentimental/nostalgic, and really liked the whole idea of a perfect moment that you never wanted to end.

NOW: I still really like it! The bells and whistles are very dated and unnecessary, but what are you gonna do, I mean, it WAS the eighties. I’d really like to hear this song re-done, more simply. The vocals are really cool. And this is what Tiffany did best, I think — wistful belting.

GRADE: A-

5. Kid On a Corner

THEN: I hated this song. Even in my hard-banged, multi-colored eyeshadowed naivete, I knew Tiffany WAS a kid. The corner was up for debate, but this song confused me. Like, was she with someone mad old? Then it would make sense, but would still be creepy. Whatever.

NOW: Even dumber. But the “all this time” leading into the chorus is still nice. ‘Cause she’s wistfully belting.

GRADE: D

6. I Saw Him Standing There

THEN: I am prejudiced. This song helped me win 3rd place in a karaoke contest. I got beer steins! When I was 16! But I did really like it. Although the video was the dumbest thing ever.

NOW: It’s fun. And I think because it’s a Beatles cover, it actually sounds a little more like “music,” relatively speaking. And whoa, some Jerry Lee Lewis piano sliding stuff is going on! But I must say, she kind of sounds like she’s singing with her mouth full?

GRADE: B

7. Johnny’s Got the Inside Moves

THEN: I don’t think I need to give you more than the title to let you know that this is the stupidest song ever made.

NOW: Yeahhh…

GRADE: F

8. Promises Made

THEN: I remember loving this. It was highly dramatic. Promises made! Promises broken!

NOW: Yeah, not so much. Wait, did I really love this song? ‘Cause it’s really boring.

GRADE: C-

9. I Think We’re Alone Now

THEN: Of course I loved this song! But I never listened to it in front of my parents. (Because it was about sex.)

NOW: This song rules! And it’s one where the ’80s ridiculousness serves the song, I think. But the line, “Look at the wayyyyy we got our eye on what we’re doing,” I always took very literally. And still do. And it reminds me of that scene in “Felicity” where she goes to have sex with Noel, and “keeps her eye on the ball” and is all hilariously creepy, like are they STARING at themselves having sex? Confusing.

GRADE: A

10. Could’ve Been

THEN: I loved this song. One day in 8th grade, Shannon wrote out all the lyrics in our club notebook. It was that meaningful.

NOW: I don’t care what anyone says — this is a gorgeous song. With or without jr. high heartbreak. The line, “Every time I get my hopes up, they always seem to fall” is one of my All-Time Favorite Song Moments.

GRADE: A+

© June 28, 2006 (Whoa, five years ago today! Not intentional!)