Top 10 Most Traumatizing (To Me!) Movie Scenes

Posted on October 5, 2011 by judisunshine

Warning! Lots o’ spoilers if you haven’t seen the movies.

10. That chick from “Saw”

I don’t watch many horror movies, because they still scare me, and because I really don’t like gore. It’s one reason why “Poltergeist” is my very favorite horror movie, but I still to this day can’t watch the scene beginning with the chicken, and ending with the bathroom mirror. More on that another time, but all of which is to say that I do love to be scared, but I really don’t like too much disgustingness, which is why I can’t even bear to include “Hostel II” in this list. However, “Saw,” though disgusting, did a really good job at being genuinely scary, and I see it as mainly a psychological horror movie, with lots of grossness kind of thrown in as a distraction. That’s sort of what I believe Jigsaw’s whole point is. I like him. But anyway, the scene with Amanda in the headgear was the first scene to really get to me in the movie (series).

Photobucket
9. Elijah Wood Gets Eaten by a Wolf

“Sin City” really disturbed me. I kind of hated it the first time I saw it. Then I watched it again, and now appreciate its really dark artistry. Still…*shiver.* This scene had the whole element of being trapped which always freaks me out, as his limbs have been cut off and he can’t move, as the wolf comes to get him. But the scariest part of the scene to me is the utter lack of remorse or any emotion at all in Elijah Wood’s eyes, as he stares into his final moments. Chilling.

Photobucket

8. The Rancor

“Return of the Jedi” has its many flaws, but the first half of the movie was awesome. And I remember sitting in the movie theater as Luke got thrown in the pit with the Rancor, and…horror.

7. Carrie Gets Pushed Too Far

Of course, I decided to watch “Carrie” while all alone one night. I couldn’t stop watching. And the prom scene…wow. Sissy Spacek is so creepy, and this whole scene just really makes me feel trapped, which (let’s all say it together), I hate. But it’s good for a horror movie. And watching this scene is extra-creepy after reading the book. And as many of you know, regarding my dreams and blood, I’m particularly fascinated by the blood imagery in “Carrie.” It starts out with Carrie cowering in the shower, knowing she is different and probably scary, yet not understanding that she’s gotten her period, and really everything is okay right now.

The movie ends with Carrie yet again covered in blood she wasn’t expecting. Carrie is someone who needed to somehow learn that her powers needed guidance, but never did, and ended up a dead murderer. Extremely sad.

Photobucket

6. “What’s in the box!”

Not only is it my favorite improv game, but it is the creeeepy, increasingly desperate question Brad Pitt asks at the end of “Se7en.” And of course, the answer is Gwyneth’s Paltrow’s head. This is another movie where the creepiness and awesome acting completely gets me to watch it, despite how very very disgusting it is. This movie made me really care about Brad/Gwyneth’s characters’ marriage, and…wow. I am hardpressed to think of a man who looks more alone/on the verge of going insane than Brad Pitt at the end of this movie.

Photobucket

5. The Amityville Horror House Attacks the Child

Specifically, the scene where the window slams shut on the kid’s fingers. I live not too far from Amityville, and although many people say the movie is pretty boring, and although it kind of is, I think it is also underrated. There was a real creepiness to the movie. I felt it did a good job capturing what a summer was back in those days. And when you’re a kid, you don’t expected to get accosted by your house. Especially with so little mercy.

4. The Clown from “Poltergeist” Attacks Robbie

I saw this movie on TV one day when I was seven. It just creeped me out entirely, yet it was so compelling. I couldn’t stop watching. And the clown…brrrrrrrrrr. The tree was really scary too, but that clown terrified me to the very core. Because really, just the whole process of trying to sleep is an ordeal in and of itself.

Photobucket

3. Samara Comes Through the Television

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Some people didn’t like “The Ring.” I am not one of those people. I thought it was absolutely terrifying. All my brother Eric used to have to do to get me to scream in horror was to crawl next to the TV and pretend to be Samara. And this scene of course terrified me the most. What I thought made it extra scary was that it was all happening in a bright, sunny studio in the middle of the day.

Photobucket

2. Daniel Plainview Truly Becomes a Monster

Critics of “There Will Be Blood” call the film’s performances, Daniel Day Lewis’s in particular, histrionic and over-the-top. I agree with the words, but disagree wholeheartedly with the sentiment. Daniel Plainview was a man who started out a hero, and in an epic movie, disintegrated into a monster. That, to me, is the scariest of the scary. More on that when I write about television horror. But the scariest thing, to me, about Daniel Plainview in “There Will Be Blood,” is that although some really bad circumstantial shit happened to Daniel Plainview, there were so many chances he had, so many places to make better decisions. Sometimes he did, which makes the ending all that more tragic. My personal opinion? He should have just let the preacher bless the well. The preacher was not the greatest dude, but I believe that he really felt a pull for some reason, to bless the well. Daniel Plainview saw that — the preacher’s urgency. I think that if Plainview had just let the preacher bless the well, no matter what, this last scene never would have happened. I think that as Plainview watched his humanity shrink with each tragedy, he saw with increasing helplessness, that one moment where he could have done things differently, and blamed all of his failures on that one moment. Hence, the preacher as worthy of his final beating. The preacher ends up beaten to death on a bowling alley, while his murderer foams over him, fully a monster now, and where exactly did that original long-haired hero go who climbed literally hand over fist, with broken limbs, out of a really deep hole? Where is the father who ran into a fire to save his son? Those people are right there; they are heavily breathing over the man they(?) just murdered. How does one transform from the hero to the killer?

Photobucket

1. The Little Brother Vampire in “Salem’s Lot” Appears at the Window

One day in Spring 1982, I was supposed to go to Adventureland with my best friend and some people. But it rained, so we watched movies instead. Including “Salem’s Lot,” and I would never be the same. This movie filled me with terror. I literally had to sleep in my parents’ room for a week. The being afraid to sleep came mainly from the scene with the brother at the window. I still get scared if something scratches at the window.

Photobucket

Posted in Lists, Movies | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

The “90210” Survival Guide

Posted on September 29, 2011 by judisunshine

So the other day I was bumming around and found out “90210” was on. And I was very happy that although it was from a wretched post-Brenda year, it was not the wretchedest of the wretchedest.

But I realized, how would a less-seasoned “90210” watcher know whether or not it’s worth their time to kick back with some SOAPnet? Maybe you are wondering whether to go with “90210” (that rhymes!), or whether to watch…well, I don’t know what else is on at 3/4 pm EST. Golf?

I decided to spend my day philanthropically, and worked out a points system on how to figure out the worth of an episode of “90210.” I’d love to present to you one of those webby “Stop here, go here” charts, but let’s be honest, I just learned how to do strikethrough; I don’t fancy myself a webmaster just yet.

So with no further ado, I present to you (also a rhyme!)…

“90210-YAY”

or “90210-NO”?

Brenda is on the show +500

It is the first season -100

Kelly has long hair +400

It’s a weird, existing outside the time-space continuum Summer Episode +200

It’s a Summer Episode with Superman in France +75

Donna has fake boobs -440

Everyone’s hair is platinum and/or plastered to her head -57

Valerie is on the show +100

Even Valerie has jumped ship, and the vixen burden falls on an unprepared Vanessa Marcil -600

Noah -385

Ray -50

Ray singing -200

Short-haired Val +170

Donna’s having sex -340

Noah -416

Kelly’s sainthood’s kicked in -800

Brandon teaches black people not to judge him, because he scrunches up his face and says “Man” a lot -62

Andrea looks like maybe she still might get carded at a really really strict club +41 (no pun intended)

You think that maybe Steve and Kelly will get back together and leave everyone else alone +95

Donna wears something fluffy -12

Noah -1,000

Brenda looks ghostly and extra crooked, because Shannen Doherty refused to let anyone do her hair or makeup +739, because those eps are awesome

KEG House is involved in anything, in any way -67

Except the John Sears episodes +48

ALPHA House is involved in anything, in any way -240

I realize these reasons may seem hard to remember, but if that is the case, you can feel free to print yourself out a copy of this and keep it next to your television, or better yet if you are someone lucky enough to have a whimsical remote control caddy, then you can keep it there!

But if that is still not feasible, I will give you the CliffsNotes (+30) or more orangey (-5, ’cause it’s still Valerie, and she’s awesome). If that is the case, you can go by these simple rules:

WATCH!

– If it is the “Slumber Party” episode

– If it is about the Kelly/Dylan/Brenda love triangle

– If it is the prom episode

DON’T WATCH!

– If Jim and Cindy are in Hong Kong

– If anyone is buying, or considering buying the Peach Pit After Dark

– If Dylan is traveling through time to the Wild West with his psychic. Trust me. It sounds awesome, but it is NOT AT ALL AWESOME.

You’re welcome.

Posted in Celebrities, Entertainment, Lists, Miscellaneous, TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Serendipity Doo Dah

Posted on September 27, 2011 by judisunshine

And how do you do it?
And make it seem effortless
When it’s all the stupid things
So overwhelming to me
Like paying my bills
Or showing up for work early
Or laughing at your jokes

~ Rilo Kiley

Previously on: My Life

1) I was terrible with directions.

2) I despised running errands.

3) I was blonde.

So you can imagine then, my trepidation at the prospect of finding a bank near my new job. I work in Farmingdale, and all I know is Wellwood Avenue. Although I don’t know if “know” is the proper description, since it was only this morning (my sixth trip to the place) that I realized I had to pass over train tracks to get here.

But anyway, yesterday I was trying to find a branch that I could go to during lunch. I hate going to the bank, but I still have to deposit my Boulder Creek checks. And I don’t have an ATM card because I overdrew my account so they punished me by cancelling my card. And I haven’t gotten a new ATM card yet because:

a) not being able to touch my money while at a bar is not necessarily a bad thing

b) Please see 2).

c) Whenever I get a new ATM card after I inevitably overdraw my account, the bank people ask if I want to add debiting power to my card and:

i) I decide yes, that would be the grownup thing to do.

ii) They tell me I have to fill out forms.

iii) Please see 2).

But as fate would have it, I am now back at a desk job, and only work at Boulder Creek on the weekend now. Which means, no more cash on hand. (“Cash,” mind you, should not be confused with “money.”) I really needed to get an ATM card. And I really needed to deposit my Boulder check.

I go to — you know what? Maybe I should not name my bank on the Internet. But I’ll just say that it’s not like a Chase or a Citibank, meaning it’s hard to find. But according to the Internet, there was a branch located on “Conklin Street,” which I discovered yesterday. Of course, yesterday I was tired and moody and the weather was gray and foreboding, so I decided not to mess around with trying to find this “Conklin Street,” choosing the safety of my tiny microwaved lunch at my desk because I’m new and have no friends.

This morning on my way to work, I noticed that there happened to be a “Conklin Street” right in front of my eyes! Not only that, but the street began there, so there was only one way I could go! It seemed pretty foolproof, even for me. By lunchtime, I was filled with resolve. The sun was out, and normally I’m not a fan, but after all of the grayness of the week, I was ready for it. I felt that going out and being a responsible citizen would make me feel accomplished. I mean, I’d even worn a jacket today! Normally that doesn’t happen till at least halfway through December.

Responsible! So I start driving, prepared for one of those experiences that people have when they annoyingly say, “I was so productive this weekend,” and you’re like, “Shut up.” Today I was going to be one of those irritating people who get excited about the sun and running errands!

The first thing that mocked my positivity as I drove cheerfully away from work was the following exchange in my brain:

“I made the right choice; it’s sunny and nice and I can listen to some music.”

“Yeah, I’m definitely not feeling 1010 WINS.”

“My iPod is totally what I need right now.”

“My iPod is on my desk back at work.”

SIGH.

So the radio was on my nerves with its unimaginative Christmas songs, and ubiquitous Rob Thomas, and Z100 being crappy and making me mad at the youth of America for liking such shitty music. So I listened to Jay-Z on Hot 97, who sometimes is good, but sometimes just sounds like he’s drunk at four in the morning and keeps forgetting that he’s already told you a hundred times how much money he has, and like, you don’t care to begin with. But this was one of his good songs, so all was well.

Meanwhile, the clock was ticking (not literally, that would really get to me), and I only get 45 minutes for lunch. So I’m like, well that’s sad to drive all the way down Conklin Street for nothing. But THEN I got distracted by the next song, ’cause it sounded like some dude is all really enthusiastic about wanting ice cream, and I’m thinking, well that’s nice that he is extolling youthful joys, until I realize he’s singing about going down on a woman and like ENOUGH, because that should be able to sound sexy, but it pretty much just always sounds gross. And stop referring to my vagina as a “peach.”

ANYWAY. So I’m getting filled with indignation at the song and I decide that I really need to go back to work now. No check, no ATM card. Just a terrible “song” apparently called “Peaches and Cream.” Bad day.

But THEN lo and behold, as I make an ill-advised three-point turn in a single-lane, solid-double-yellow-lined street, I realize, I am totally blocking this dude trying to get out of a parking lot. I try to give him a thank-you wave ™Seinfeld, but sort of just hit myself in the face instead, because I was very distracted.

You see, the man was leaving the parking lot of MY BANK.

There it was! So I turn into the parking lot, and lo and behold! “(My Bank) Walk-Up and Drive-Thru.” On a sign! With an arrow. I drove in and parked, very, VERY proud of myself. I was even going to go ahead and get an ATM card!

No I wasn’t. I couldn’t anyway, because this weird little place didn’t have any doors! Not for the public, anyway. It was like a McDonald’s Express, only a bank! Fascinating. And confusing, because it was no longer facing the street, and I’d thought it looked much bigger when I saw it. Never mind, I was here and that’s what mattered.

I got on line. There was a lady talking to a chick in a sweatshirt about Binghamton, and this chick was bumming me out, ’cause she was talking about how she would totally “have went” to Binghamton, but she’s an Education Major, and they don’t have that, or she would “have went.” But she loves Hofstra. I don’t think this chick and I could hang.

Anyway, then I deposited my check, and it feels like when you buy 40s at the rando gas station ’cause no one else will sell them after 2 a.m. on Saturday/Sunday, and also, ID? Who needs ID? And no, you can’t use the bathroom. So you drop in your money, and get the 40 in exchange; that is how this experience felt.

How weird and cute and charming, this tiny little kiosk bank! I thought as I went back to my car. Too bad I can’t get an ATM card there due to the “limited services available.” Oh well.

And then I looked up, and I see…a bank. My bank. My grownup, full-sized bank.

I–what–HUH???

Ohhhhhhh.

That explained so much! How the bank had followed me onto the other street, for example. And how it had changed in size. And how it was no longer facing the busy street where I found it to begin with.

Mystery? Solved.

Check? Deposited.

ATM card? Still don’t have one, but I got to stay guilt-free about it for another day.

And though I still didn’t have my iPod, the radio remained mercifully cunnilingus-free on my trip home. All in all, meaning that today was a good day (after all).

© November 28, 2007

Posted in Driving & Other Transportation, Miscellaneous, Work | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Bags Float

Posted on September 21, 2011 by judisunshine

I’m an emotional person. I feel things and I need to be able to get upset and talk about how I’m feeling. I mean, that’s just…that’s who I am and I can’t change it.

I don’t want to.

~ Felicity

So, the verdict is in: I am morbid. This is something I never realized. But I guess it’s true. Once, I turned a happy exchange about boats with a sweet retired veteran into a story about my friend who got a brain disease. The night after watching the “Grey’s Anatomy” episode where the woman all of a sudden dies from internal bleeding, I accidentally hit myself in the stomach really hard with the corner of a big plastic tray at work, and spent the rest of the night worried that I was going to drop dead in the Boulder Creek parking lot, all alone in my boxy, dirty uniform.

I know that if I were the only one who got like this, there wouldn’t be shows about forensics and death to begin with. But, I do think that in many ways, I take life really hard. Somewhere along the line, my self-preserving instincts kicked in and gave me some remarkably awesome gallows humor that has helped me to never have to say, “Too soon” about a joke. In fact, jokes that are “too soon” are usually my favorite, because I find it unendingly fascinating, the resiliency of the human spirit.

And yet, despite the jokes, stuff gets to me. Disappointment, stress, loss, rejection — things that by my age, I really thought would hurt less. But, no, it hurts the same. I cry a LOT. I can’t write people off when I probably should. And little leaves my memory, so basically my brain is like the Wheel of Fortune at all times, spinning around, and could conceivably land on any given memory or emotion that’s taking up space inside of me.

I know I am blessed, and compared to many people’s lives, I have it crazy easy. But when I look at the people around me, I sometimes feel excruciatingly behind. Like life is passing me by at a rapid pace, and I’m never going to have anything important of my own that’s going to stick. Losing a husband and three homes in two years, I think, had a bit to do with that. But because of my perma-soft heart, I can’t say screw it all. It’s just not me, and if there was a doubt in my mind that I was exaggerating anything thus far, it was immediately erased when I just typed “perma-soft,” and all of a sudden remembered that hair product line from 1987, and whooshed back in time to when I was 12, in my Merrick shower, feeling all cool because I had my special perm shampoo in the purple bottle (lavender for the conditioner).

Yeah. Things don’t leave me. Words, scents, sounds — and all the people and places that are attached to them — stick around. A lot of times, that’s a heavy burden. I can’t think of a single Sunday at Boulder Creek that I haven’t choked up for at least a second, because a lot of families come in with grandparents. And I miss my grandmother who died three years ago, and my grandfather who died in 1991. I wish they were still here. And I’ve “healed” from losing them, but in those moments that I see people out to eat with their grandchildren, I miss the grandparents I’ve lost as profoundly as though they left yesterday.

But every now and then there are these moments. The other day I drove home for lunch, all downtrodden about something or another. Life in general. I’m not sure. But I was feeling sad, as is my wont.

And then — then I looked up at the street on which I was driving. My new street. And the trees that lined it were meeting in the middle, forming a perfect archway of the most amazing colors. You know how it seems like autumn has become one of those “blink and you’ll miss it” seasons? Which is so sad, because it’s my absolute favorite season of all time, and I feel like I haven’t really seen fall foliage in forever.

And when I tell you that every time I have to turn around just to park in front of my apartment, I get really annoyed — it’s sad, but true. I hate that my street is so narrow. I hate that the times when I am AT home are so few and far between.

But in that moment, I realized that if my street weren’t so narrow, the trees wouldn’t be meeting in the middle like that, and it may sound silly, but I’ve always wanted to live on a street where on a fall day, the tops of trees would touch. I’ve seen it in the movies and it always looks safe. Comforting. Incredibly temporary.

And I realized that if the times that I were home weren’t so few and far between, that I might never have taken the time to notice this moment. Witnessing such beauty as I drove home made me realize that while it can be really tough, feeling everything so much, never having the concept of death far from my mind at any given time — that’s all just one side to the equation. On the other side lies a remarkable gift. The privilege to have Our Town-y moments while I’m still here on Earth to appreciate them. My brain may move at a mile a minute, and I can be very “dark and twisty.” But I will take that. I will take a hard life, a propensity for morbidity, an unexpected flash flood of Sunday afternoon grandparent tears. If it means that at the age of 31, one of the most invigorating moments of my year comes from something as simple as looking at trees? I’ll take it all.

© October 17, 2006

Posted in Apartments & Other Domiciles, Miscellaneous | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

Check It Out

Posted on September 20, 2011 by judisunshine

Dear Family at the Self-Checkout Line,

I’m sure you are lovely people and all in real life, so please take this not as an attack, but as helpful advice for the future.

Now I could be wrong, but it would seem to me that the self-checkouts are designed to expedite the whole in-and-out process of food shopping; i.e., for the antisocial people who are going to get irate and volatile on the express lanes because approximately 90% of the customers on said lanes think nothing of bringing 17 more items than are allowed by the signs, and/or consider 198 cans of different cat food to equal one item. Some people — not just me — don’t have the funds or the families that require multiple shopping carts on their supermarket adventures, and by the time they want to pay for their sad little frozen dinners, and just want to report to the proper allotted slots for lonely people. Which is to say, the SELF-CHECKOUTS.

And I realize that not everyone can beam with pride over being an expert scanner due to having been a 30-year-old cashier at ShopRite. There must be a handicap. So the woman who took a distressingly long time today to scan $13.00 of groceries because most of said groceries were produce and she had no idea how to do it? Well, actually never mind, because that is pretty obnoxious too. But you can think, well B- for effort. Nothing to help her make the Supermarket Shopper Honor Roll, but at least the proper spirit was apparently there.

Where the proper spirit was not was when y’all decided that one of the two self-checkouts out of 7,800 lanes was the ideal place to purchase $198.17 worth of groceries (and that number is literal).

Now, don’t get me wrong. I would one day very much like to have a man and and a child with whom I can go buy roasts, and rolls, and tomatoes, and all that adult stuff. But when and if that day comes? I will be waiting at the proper register.

No, it won’t be fun sharing a line with the cretins who talk on their cell phones the entire time, not paying any attention at all to the purportedly automatron cashier who doesn’t exist as a person, only after all is said and done, to berate said non-person cashier because said cretins are too important to read signs closely and must now question every single item scan while the cashier struggles to bag all the groceries because the customers’ hands are way too numb after their riveting cell-phone conversations.

That will not be fun at all, but I will do it, because there are rules. Rules that state that if a single person gets into a regular line with a sad frozen dinner and two tiny cans of cat food because that’s all she can afford, she has absolutely no right to sigh and bitch and eye roll because the family ahead of her has a lot of stuff. No one on those lines has to let a single person go ahead of them, because THOSE are the lines for the heavy-duty shoppers. This is understood.

BUT if said single person trudges over to self-checkout, exhausted from playing virtual Frogger with other people’s screaming children, then like, let her have her little place in society. I mean, sorry to get all Cathy®/”Sex and the City” about things, but the supermarket is really not single-friendly as it is, with everything being so hugely portioned, but I accept that, because I do love kids, and I do support families on the grand scale of things. Truly!

BUT WHAT I DO NOT ACCEPT is having to wait forever and ever and ever because a couple decides that the rules do not apply to them, and besides all that, have apparently confused Pathmark with a Montessori school, and are using this quality time during the highest supermarket volume of the day, to let their adorable little child try her very hardest to scan ZUCCHINI, among other things. Get her one of those cute little shopping carts with the plastic food and let her play Store at home, like every other kid in the world. Or if she is really that gifted and sweet, then let her entertain a cashier on the correct line, because cute kids really can make a cashier’s day, trust me!

But to quote George Costanza, “WE ARE LIVING IN A SOCIETY HERE!” and part of that means recognizing that sometimes single people can’t afford to do ALL of their grocery shopping at 7-11, and like, let’s just all work together here, okay?

Thanks.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who One Time Had To Put Back Her Two-Dollar Tank Top Because The Self-Checkouts Were Being Used By People With Three Carts Each

©2007

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Life Lessons of the Week

Posted on September 19, 2011 by judisunshine

1. The stress of party planning is a fair and decent excuse for verbally abusing a cashier.

2. If you are driving home, and you think that a tree is a Ferris wheel, you should maybe take that as a sign to go to sleep instead of talking on AIM until two in the morning.

3. People who say “Anyhoo” are always either totally awesome, or the most annoying people in the world.

4. Limbo kits are a cool idea in theory, but in practicality not so much, if you have to overcome your boob handicap by utilizing your straddle split skills, because there is no room in which to do it, and you will not win the contest for the first time ever.

5. Having hips 10 inches bigger than your waist does not mean that you will be any good at the hula-hoop.

6. Listening to Lewis Black while in a tanning bed can make you look like a lunatic, as you will laugh and laugh from your little chamber of solitude.

7. Despite the fact that they are sitting under the sun itself, with no shade in sight, for four hours in the middle of the day with no sunscreen, people will be *surprised* when they get sunburned.

8. People might talk all week about playing board games, but no board games will be played.

9. You will never stop getting bitter that no one plays board games even when they say they will.

10. When someone begins an anecdote with “It’s interesting,” you can be sure that it will be exactly the opposite. (Please see also: “It’s funny” and “You’re gonna love this”).

© June 23, 2006

Posted in Lists, Miscellaneous, Work | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

From ingenue to construction worker in one short year

Posted on September 18, 2011 by judisunshine

Can I just tell you about the BULLSHIT that was my fifth grade play?

Okay, you know how it goes in elementary school as far as teacher selection goes. In case you don’t, or in case something has changed in the last 26 years, I’ll let you know how Chatterton, my school in Merrick, worked. We had three different teachers for each grade, and classes were reshuffled each year. You could request a certain teacher, but it was mostly luck of the draw.

As fourth grade steadily approached, I was extremely ambivalent. There was no famously “nice” teacher like Mr. Klages in fifth grade. There was Mrs. Sullivan, and I knew I didn’t want to get her. She seemed mean, but more importantly, she is the person who caught me the ONE time I went into the boys’ bathroom. I was curious! Then humiliated. So she was out.

I don’t remember who one of the teachers was, but the third was Mrs. Friedman. She was one of those “She’s tough, but good” cases. This immediately made me wary, since I hated discipline and authority. On the other hand, I was smart, and didn’t want to be wimpy when it came to the book learnin’.

If it wasn’t already a foregone conclusion that Mrs. Friedman was for me, given that one of the other teachers was unmemorable, and one had pulled me away from a urinal, what really made me edge towards the pro-Friedman side was the fact that she was famous for putting on great class plays. Seriously, I’d seen them, and they were good. She really got everything she could out of 9-year-olds — picked good scripts, was very smart about casting, and had everyone really project and not just wuss about awkwardly. Also, her costumes and sets were great. The year before, Mrs. Friedman’s class put on quite an impressive rendition of “The Pied Piper of Hamelin,” while I was over in third grade drama hell: “Physical Fitness Is Your Friend,” the bastard brother to Harriet the Spy‘s play where she had to be an onion. But more on that later.

So yeah, although I was extremely intimidated, I hoped to get Mrs. Friedman. And sure enough, I did! She WAS very tough, but man, did I learn in her class. Not just facts, but how to research, write, and things like that — future skills. AND she did not disappoint with the play! It was called “Father Hits the Jackpot.” I got to play Sheila, the 16-year-old daughter — my first choice!

I don’t remember all that much about the play itself, except that: 1) there was an eccentric aunt who carried around an umbrella, 2) I wore the same outfit in the play as I did on my Very First Date, and 3) for the “closing credits,” the whole class sat, swayed, and sang to “Pennies from Heaven.” OH! And for some reason that I will never understand, Mrs. Friedman let this girl Allison and me take our routine from jazz class and have it be a scene in the play. Awesome!

Needless to say, I found my fourth grade play to be an extremely inspiring experience, and I was truly honored that Mrs. Friedman, a real ballbuster who took her plays VERY seriously, had enough faith in me to let me play a lead. So when fourth grade rolled to a close and we found out that the next year, Mrs. Friedman was moving up to teach fifth grade, all of my dreams of getting Mr. Klages for a teacher were called into question! And seriously, I had wanted Mr. Klages for as long as I could remember. Older men were usually nice to me, and he taught advanced reading, so I knew we’d get along famously.

HOWEVER.

Well, for one thing, I felt really bad for Mrs. Friedman. A lot of Merrick parents were shocked and horrified that their beautiful and perfect children had spent fourth grade being forced to work, and requested that they not be put back with Mrs. Friedman. I didn’t want Mrs. Friedman to think that I hadn’t appreciated her, because although we didn’t share any warm fuzzy moments, I really did, even at that age, realize how important an academic year fourth grade had been for me, thanks to her.

And…the plays! HOW could I turn down the opportunity to be in not one, but two stellar Friedman Productions! I couldn’t, was how. So my mother told the school that if I ended up with Mrs. Friedman, it was fine. So I was pretty sure I’d get her or Mr. Klages, as Mrs. Brociner was usually spoken for.

Fifth grade arrived, and sure enough, I had Mrs. Friedman — with Mr. Klages as a Special Guest Star, teaching advanced English! YAY! I approached the new grade very excited. After all, this was the year I got to write in pen, and Erasermates® had just hit! Not to mention the fact that I was still with Dick, my boyfriend of four months. Combine all this with the promise of starring in another great play, and I was in seventh heaven!

Well, that all fell to crap pretty quickly. Erasermates were not as great as I’d thought; Dick dumped me — but more on that later — and it wasn’t long before we learned the terrible, terrible news.

You see, we were to do the play in the spring of 1986, the hundred-year anniversary of the Statue of Liberty. And Chatterton had the awful idea to do some kind of huge production revolving around this fact. So all three fifth-grade classes had to do something together. That meant Mrs. Friedman was not in charge.

Guys, the play was SO BAD. It resembled something you’d see at Epcot. And since everyone had to have a role, it was like, every single moment of the entire process of acquiring the Statue of Liberty was in the “script.” For the most part, the only girl in the play with anything to do was Emma Lazarus. Plus, she got to wear a pretty dress. But Marisa got to be Emma Lazarus. And she was right for the part; I couldn’t blame anyone for casting her.

I did get cast, too…

..as a foreman.

A FOREMAN!

And not just the foreman…I was Foreman Number 2! Out of three!

It was horrible. Rehearsals are often tedious, but always necessary, and sometimes fun, especially when you care about your role. Or the production. Or anything in life before it’s given up on you. This was not such a time. If this had happened in fourth grade, I might have coped a little better. But I had to go from playing a teenager in a tight production to playing an effing foreman in this sprawling mess.

That same month that we put on the “play,” my parents told me they were sending me to private school in Levittown. This news made me quite unhappy, due in large part to the fact that Dick and I had been spending quality time together again, thanks to the power of Connect Four. Who knows what could have been! Ah, well. After such a traumatic year, things could only get better…

Nah, sixth grade was the most horrible thing ever. And that year, the school play was about a sheep.

But more on that later.

© July 19, 2006

Posted in Childhood, School, Theater | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Breakfast.

Posted on September 16, 2011 by judisunshine

Oh, you don’t want advice from me; I ate a Three Musketeers bar for breakfast.

~Liz Lemon

I was quite the responsible citizen, breakfast-wise, for a while at my new job. I genuinely love oatmeal, and not even the kind where each oat is covered with twenty pounds of brown sugar ™Marilla, though that’s good too. But I’m happiest with some good old-fashioned Quaker® Oats, with a little bit of butter melted in. It’s about as healthy as comfort food gets, and just a really satisfying breakfast. I did have to write my name on the box with a Sharpie, so while I was at it, I made Mr. Quaker look like the V for Vendetta dude, to rebel against the system of course, but other than that, I really committed to my mundane new routine. And no one even stole my butter like at Welcome Wagon!

However, I ran out of oatmeal. Logically, it would then stand to reason that I would buy more oatmeal. But no. I’ve been out of it for weeks now, and I’ve made do. This morning, for example, I am eating Andy Capp Hot Fries and drinking a can of Diet Coke, and sitting here as living proof that a healthy balanced breakfast can be yours no matter what the situation. All you have to do is think outside the box!

OMG, I am so sorry for saying “think outside the box.” So with no further ado, I present…

Things I Have Eaten For Breakfast

Crunchy Cheez Doodles and Pepsi

No one understands those five words better than Babz. This was my morning-after-karaoke breakfast every week after Willie’s. Not going drinking until three in the morning was not an option. The neon orange cheese was soothing; the crunchy…stuff did a lovely job sopping up the whiskey and Hefeweizen, and the Pepsi gave me just the proper jolt to be obnoxiously hyper when Babz was cranky, only to wake her up so she’d be hyper, then I’d crash somewhere around 10 am and spend the rest of the day smoking cigarettes and bitching about how tired I was.

Cheez-Its® and Water

Sometimes I was in the mood for a change of pace and wanted a grownup breakfast. Cheez-Its were the perfect alternative to crunchy Cheez Doodles — still cheesy, but since they are crackers, they feel like a more substantial meal. Also, the beads of salt on top are really awesome, and when the crackers are gone, you are left eating just powdered cheese and salt. That’s the best part.

Two things to note regarding this, though: a) you cannot substitute Cheese Nips. They are puffy, and the salt to cracker ratio is much less impressive. Too much air. And b) water seems less exciting than Pepsi, but is much better with the Cheez-Its. Something about the salt of the crackers just doesn’t mesh right with the bubbles and sugar in the Pepsi.

Stale puffy Cheez Doodles with leftover dip

Look, I’m just reporting the facts, and the fact is that this is a very convenient breakfast the day after a party. Everything is just sitting there right in front of you on your kitchen table.

Beer

‘Nuff said.

Babyback ribs and a Bloody Mary

This was the day I got laid off from GEM. No connection, I wasn’t drinking at work (THAT DAY (jk) (kind of*)), and we parted on lovely terms, after which all my friends in Creative took me to Houston’s while we cried.


Blackened catfish

Everyone looked at me like I was weird, eating blackened catfish first thing in the morning, but the bottom line is, I was hungry and working at Red Lobster and thought blackened catfish would be lovely. And it was!

Tequila and eggs

When you decide to comfort your friend Meredith-Grey style, there is a good chance that you will still not be sober the next morning. At which point maybe your friend’s sister is cooking breakfast because your friend’s sisters are a bunch of Rachel Rays, without all the annoying traits. So there will be the eggs, and there will be the toast, and there will be the tequila, and there will be Bert. Warning: this breakfast might make you cry at not only a Rob Thomas song, but also a Daughtry song, so be prepared.

 

Posted in Food, Friends, Lists, Romance, TV, Work | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

My Top 10 Favorite Tearjerking “Buffy” Moments

Posted on September 15, 2011 by judisunshine

10. Willow Tells Buffy She’s Staying in Sunnydale After Graduation ~ “Choices”

This is a very unsung episode, in my opinion. Probably because the third season, more than any other I think, pulls off the remarkable feat of having both the most compelling Big Bad(s) ever AND the most excellent standalone eps. It was the “Jagged Little Pill” of the “Buffy” seasons!

“Choices” is one of those bridge episodes that do a lot to advance the plot, while being less plot-, and more character-driven. And this scene says so much about Willow’s character, and about just how much these two have really become like sisters, their love is so great.

Choice Dialogue:

Willow: Actually, this isn’t about you. Although I’m fond, don’t get me wrong, of you. The other night, you know, being captured and all, facing off with Faith. Things just, kind of, got clear. I mean, you’ve been fighting evil here for three years, and I’ve helped some, and now we’re supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just realized that that’s what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I-I think it’s worth doing. And I don’t think you do it because you have to. It’s a good fight, Buffy, and I want in.

Buffy: I kind of love you.

Willow: And, besides, I have a shot at being a bad ass Wiccan, and what better place to learn?

Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.

Willow: Mochas?

Buffy: Yes, please. It’s weird. You look at something and you think you know exactly what you’re seeing, and then you find out it’s something else entirely.

Willow: Neat, huh?

Buffy: Sometimes it is.

9. Everybody’s Sad Montage ~ “Tabula Rasa”

Michelle Branch is singing “Goodbye to You” at the Bronze and Tara’s saying goodbye to Willow ’cause Willow tried to erase Tara’s memory, and Giles is LEAVING which is exactly why they should have ended the show right then and there, or so I thought at the time though now not so much, and then Dawn watches Tara leave and it’s really sad because Tara was definitely now that I think about it, very much like Joyce. And then Buffy and Spike KISS and it is of course hot, but also desperately sad.

Choice Dialogue:

“And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time.” (Michelle Branch)

8. Willow and Oz Get Back Together! ~ “Amends”

Everybody knows that I adore Willow and Oz the mostest of all, they are just so freaking adorable and lovely and sweet. And the scene where they get back together is just incredible. Willow had cheated on Oz with Xander, and when Oz discovered them, he of course did not want to talk to Willow. But when he finally does, it is SO, so sweet.

Choice Dialogue:

Oz: This is what I do know: I miss you. Like, every second. Almost like I lost an arm, or worse, a torso. So, I think I’d be willing to… give it a shot.

Willow: Really?

Oz: Yeah.

Willow: Do you want us to… to hug now?

Oz: Yeah, I’m good for that.

7. Buffy’s Heart Falls Apart Right In Front Of Us ~ “Amends”

No, I have no intentions of making this list balanced. It’s about honestly my favorite heartwrenching moments, and have I mentioned that Season Three was goooood? So, yes. Angel is all set to kill himself by staying on a mountaintop while the sun rises, and Buffy is like, in physical pain trying so hard to get him to get inside, because he really doesn’t have time to spare. Sarah Michelle Gellar really does some incredible work here. Sometimes she can chew the scenery a little, but this is where it really works for the character, because she looks utterly frantic, trying to save the love of her life, who she’d already had to watch die once.

Choice Dialogue:

Angel: Am I a thing worth saving, huh? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone!

Buffy: What about me? I love you so much… And I tried to make you go away…I killed you and it didn’t help. (crying) And I hate it! I hate that it’s *so* hard… and that you can hurt me *so* much. (sobs, then harshly) I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don’t. (whispers) I can’t.

Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once… let me be strong.

Buffy: Strong is fighting! It’s hard, and it’s painful, and it’s every day. It’s what we have to do. And we can do it together.

6. Giles Is The Best Father To Buffy Ever ~ “Amends.” No, I’m totally kidding, it’s “Innocence.”

While Season Three was the best season ever, the Buffy/Angel/Angelus love triangle of Season Two was some of the most brilliant, gutwrenching, EXCITING television ever made. In my ever humble opinion of course. In this episode, we all learn that Angel lost his soul again due to having sex with Buffy. And that’s like, really tough for Buffy, and adding to the woe is that it’s pretty sucky, having your father figure find out you had sex with a vampire. So but anyway, in this scene, Buffy and Giles finally have a sad, quiet moment together, and it is beautiful.

Choice Dialogue:

Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me.

Giles: No. No, no, I’m not.

Buffy: But this is all my fault.

Giles: No. I don’t believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. And I can. I know that you loved him. And he has proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn’t have known what would happen. The coming months are going to be hard…I, I suspect on all of us, but…if it’s guilt you’re looking for, Buffy, I’m, I’m not your man. All you will get from me is, is my support. And my respect.


5. The Last “Buffy” Scene Ever ~ “Chosen”

This scene, just because when I first saw it, I was sobbing my EYES out, because, like, this was the last “Buffy” EVER. It was the first show that despite loving it less, I cared about through the end, and you know, it lasted seven years. Most of my twenties. That’s a lot of life to have a show to pal around with you in.

Choice Dialogue:

Xander: All those shops gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys “R” Us. Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world about them?


4. Buffy Punches Giles ~ “Passion”

Angelus has just killed Jenny, and Giles goes after him himself, into the den of three super-strong and smart vampires. Dangerous! So Buffy goes after him, and ends up having to save him from a fire — hard to explain. When outside, they really get to lean on each other, literally and figuratively, as they both fully face their grief for the first time.

Choice Dialogue:

Giles: Why did you come here?! This wasn’t your fight!

(Buffy punches him in the jaw, and he spins and falls to the pavement.)

Buffy: Are you trying to get yourself killed?!

(She begins to cry and crouches down to hug him. He cries and hugs her back.)

Buffy: You can’t leave me. I can’t do this alone.


3. Buffy Learns That She’s Going To Die ~ “Prophecy Girl”

Season One was on the weaker side, compared to what the show became at one point. But it still had some great moments, and one of them is in the season finale. Buffy overhears Angel and Giles discussing a prophecy that she is going to die that night, when she faces the Master. Buffy is in shock, and gives an impassioned speech where she throws books and really displays some serious terror and helplessness, knowing that even though she says she’s quitting as Slayer, in the end, she will do the right thing. Which means dying. It’s like O’Henry meets Poe!

Choice Dialogue:

Buffy: Giles, I’m sixteen years old. I don’t wanna die.

2. Buffy Finds Her Mother ~ “The Body”

I really can’t even write much about this, but I couldn’t leave it off the list, because I’m not sure any scene’s ever affected me more. Buffy comes home to find her mother lying on the couch, dead from an aneurysm caused by complications from her brain surgery earlier in the season. And it’s just, I really can’t even write about it. It’s just one of the hardest scenes to watch, ever. And more incredible work from Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Choice Dialogue:

Buffy: She’s cold.

911 Operator: (slight beat) The body is cold?

Buffy: No, my mom — should I make her warm?

1. Buffy Sends Angel to Hell ~ “Becoming, Part Two”

In order to close the vortex that is literally unleashing hell on earth, Buffy must kill Angel. What makes the scene one of those true JAW-dropping scenes when you first see it, and ultimately so sob-worthy, is that while Buffy and Angel are fighting, Willow is performing what seems to be an impossible and dangerous spell, in order to restore Angel’s soul. And the WHOA factor comes when the spell WORKS…but not before Angelus opens the hell portal thingy. And so NOW Buffy not only has to kill Angelus, but she has to kill Angel, the man whom she loved and hasn’t seen since the night that she slept with him. She kisses him goodbye, and then kills him. And then this incredible montage set to Sarah Mclachlan’s “Full of Grace” plays, but I already wrote about that in another blog!

Choice Dialogue:

Buffy: Close your eyes.

© February 7, 2007

Posted in Buffy, Lists, TV | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Why I Could Not Be Expected To Show Up On Time For Work This Morning

Posted on September 14, 2011 by judisunshine

1. Chip disturbing sleep by somehow setting off alarm clock at 3 a.m.

2. Dr. von Rockenstein scratching at window all night like vampire brother in “Salem’s Lot.”

3. David Lee Roth airing call from casino owner, making me think of article read in Marie Claire.

4. Forgetting to get out of bed.

5. No natural light in apartment, causing it to feel like one universal time until I step outside.

6. FX airing “Selfless,” one of my favorite, if not my favorite, Season Seven “Buffy” episodes.

7. Crying at “Buffy.”

8. Using new soap, getting lost in aromatherapy.

9. Chip making run in pantyhose for carefully planned outfit.

10. Lack of desire to wear fancy shoes for carefully planned outfit.

11. Digging out jeans for new, unplanned outfit.

12. “New Messages!”
“New Picture Comments!”
“New Blog Comments!”

13. TBS airing beach club episodes of “Saved by the Bell.”

14. Wondering why Mr. Carosi was such an asshole to gang even after knowing they were friends with Lisa Turtle.

15. Thinking Lisa was big bitch for being nasty to Screech when all he was doing was waiting on her spoiled, rich ass.

16. Getting distracted by alarmingly low number of “Wooooooooo!”s in episode.

17. Debating whether bacon heated in microwave would start fire behind my back.

18. Unprecedented motivation to do makeup in mirror rather than car.

19. Unprecedented motivation to make hair look decent.

20. Unprecedented motivation to accessorize.

21. Wondering how SBTB gang still so bad at ad libbing after 20 years.

22. Losing Chip, worrying he’s in garbage bag again.

23. Finding him when he goes shooting across room like white cannonball.

24. Forgetting swipe cards and money at home.

25. Going back to get them because, why not?

© February 1, 2006

Posted in Animals, Apartments & Other Domiciles, Buffy, Cats, Coffee, Lists, Miscellaneous, TV, Women, Work | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment