Oh, you don’t want advice from me; I ate a Three Musketeers bar for breakfast.

~Liz Lemon

I was quite the responsible citizen, breakfast-wise, for a while at my new job. I genuinely love oatmeal, and not even the kind where each oat is covered with twenty pounds of brown sugar ™Marilla, though that’s good too. But I’m happiest with some good old-fashioned Quaker® Oats, with a little bit of butter melted in. It’s about as healthy as comfort food gets, and just a really satisfying breakfast. I did have to write my name on the box with a Sharpie, so while I was at it, I made Mr. Quaker look like the V for Vendetta dude, to rebel against the system of course, but other than that, I really committed to my mundane new routine. And no one even stole my butter like at Welcome Wagon!

However, I ran out of oatmeal. Logically, it would then stand to reason that I would buy more oatmeal. But no. I’ve been out of it for weeks now, and I’ve made do. This morning, for example, I am eating Andy Capp Hot Fries and drinking a can of Diet Coke, and sitting here as living proof that a healthy balanced breakfast can be yours no matter what the situation. All you have to do is think outside the box!

OMG, I am so sorry for saying “think outside the box.” So with no further ado, I present…

Things I Have Eaten For Breakfast

Crunchy Cheez Doodles and Pepsi

No one understands those five words better than Babz. This was my morning-after-karaoke breakfast every week after Willie’s. Not going drinking until three in the morning was not an option. The neon orange cheese was soothing; the crunchy…stuff did a lovely job sopping up the whiskey and Hefeweizen, and the Pepsi gave me just the proper jolt to be obnoxiously hyper when Babz was cranky, only to wake her up so she’d be hyper, then I’d crash somewhere around 10 am and spend the rest of the day smoking cigarettes and bitching about how tired I was.

Cheez-Its® and Water

Sometimes I was in the mood for a change of pace and wanted a grownup breakfast. Cheez-Its were the perfect alternative to crunchy Cheez Doodles — still cheesy, but since they are crackers, they feel like a more substantial meal. Also, the beads of salt on top are really awesome, and when the crackers are gone, you are left eating just powdered cheese and salt. That’s the best part.

Two things to note regarding this, though: a) you cannot substitute Cheese Nips. They are puffy, and the salt to cracker ratio is much less impressive. Too much air. And b) water seems less exciting than Pepsi, but is much better with the Cheez-Its. Something about the salt of the crackers just doesn’t mesh right with the bubbles and sugar in the Pepsi.

Stale puffy Cheez Doodles with leftover dip

Look, I’m just reporting the facts, and the fact is that this is a very convenient breakfast the day after a party. Everything is just sitting there right in front of you on your kitchen table.

Beer

‘Nuff said.

Babyback ribs and a Bloody Mary

This was the day I got laid off from GEM. No connection, I wasn’t drinking at work (THAT DAY (jk) (kind of*)), and we parted on lovely terms, after which all my friends in Creative took me to Houston’s while we cried.

Blackened catfish

Everyone looked at me like I was weird, eating blackened catfish first thing in the morning, but the bottom line is, I was hungry and working at Red Lobster and thought blackened catfish would be lovely. And it was!

Tequila and eggs

When you decide to comfort your friend Meredith-Grey style, there is a good chance that you will still not be sober the next morning. At which point maybe your friend’s sister is cooking breakfast because your friend’s sisters are a bunch of Rachel Rays, without all the annoying traits. So there will be the eggs, and there will be the toast, and there will be the tequila, and there will be Bert. Warning: this breakfast might make you cry at not only a Rob Thomas song, but also a Daughtry song, so be prepared.