Life Lessons of the Week

1. The stress of party planning is a fair and decent excuse for verbally abusing a cashier.

2. If you are driving home, and you think that a tree is a Ferris wheel, you should maybe take that as a sign to go to sleep instead of talking on AIM until two in the morning.

3. People who say “Anyhoo” are always either totally awesome, or the most annoying people in the world.

4. Limbo kits are a cool idea in theory, but in practicality not so much, if you have to overcome your boob handicap by utilizing your straddle split skills, because there is no room in which to do it, and you will not win the contest for the first time ever.

5. Having hips 10 inches bigger than your waist does not mean that you will be any good at the hula-hoop.

6. Listening to Lewis Black while in a tanning bed can make you look like a lunatic, as you will laugh and laugh from your little chamber of solitude.

7. Despite the fact that they are sitting under the sun itself, with no shade in sight, for four hours in the middle of the day with no sunscreen, people will be *surprised* when they get sunburned.

8. People might talk all week about playing board games, but no board games will be played.

9. You will never stop getting bitter that no one plays board games even when they say they will.

10. When someone begins an anecdote with “It’s interesting,” you can be sure that it will be exactly the opposite. (Please see also: “It’s funny” and “You’re gonna love this”).

© June 23, 2006

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