So the other day I was bumming around and found out “90210” was on. And I was very happy that although it was from a wretched post-Brenda year, it was not the wretchedest of the wretchedest.

But I realized, how would a less-seasoned “90210” watcher know whether or not it’s worth their time to kick back with some SOAPnet? Maybe you are wondering whether to go with “90210” (that rhymes!), or whether to watch…well, I don’t know what else is on at 3/4 pm EST. Golf?

I decided to spend my day philanthropically, and worked out a points system on how to figure out the worth of an episode of “90210.” I’d love to present to you one of those webby “Stop here, go here” charts, but let’s be honest, I just learned how to do strikethrough; I don’t fancy myself a webmaster just yet.

So with no further ado, I present to you (also a rhyme!)…

“90210-YAY”

or “90210-NO”?

Brenda is on the show +500

It is the first season -100

Kelly has long hair +400

It’s a weird, existing outside the time-space continuum Summer Episode +200

It’s a Summer Episode with Superman in France +75

Donna has fake boobs -440

Everyone’s hair is platinum and/or plastered to her head -57

Valerie is on the show +100

Even Valerie has jumped ship, and the vixen burden falls on an unprepared Vanessa Marcil -600

Noah -385

Ray -50

Ray singing -200

Short-haired Val +170

Donna’s having sex -340

Noah -416

Kelly’s sainthood’s kicked in -800

Brandon teaches black people not to judge him, because he scrunches up his face and says “Man” a lot -62

Andrea looks like maybe she still might get carded at a really really strict club +41 (no pun intended)

You think that maybe Steve and Kelly will get back together and leave everyone else alone +95

Donna wears something fluffy -12

Noah -1,000

Brenda looks ghostly and extra crooked, because Shannen Doherty refused to let anyone do her hair or makeup +739, because those eps are awesome

KEG House is involved in anything, in any way -67

Except the John Sears episodes +48

ALPHA House is involved in anything, in any way -240

I realize these reasons may seem hard to remember, but if that is the case, you can feel free to print yourself out a copy of this and keep it next to your television, or better yet if you are someone lucky enough to have a whimsical remote control caddy, then you can keep it there!

But if that is still not feasible, I will give you the CliffsNotes (+30) or more orangey (-5, ’cause it’s still Valerie, and she’s awesome). If that is the case, you can go by these simple rules:

WATCH!

– If it is the “Slumber Party” episode

– If it is about the Kelly/Dylan/Brenda love triangle

– If it is the prom episode

DON’T WATCH!

– If Jim and Cindy are in Hong Kong

– If anyone is buying, or considering buying the Peach Pit After Dark

– If Dylan is traveling through time to the Wild West with his psychic. Trust me. It sounds awesome, but it is NOT AT ALL AWESOME.

You’re welcome.