Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 7: The “Beverly Hills, 90210” Graduation!

Posted on February 16, 2012 by judisunshine

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Okay. What you need to understand about “Commencement,” the “90210” high school graduation two-parter, is that it was really a big deal at the time. I remember trying on prom dresses and in the dressing room the radio commercial came on, and Mrs. Teasley was saying: “Ladies and gentlemen. I now present to you, the graduating class of Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-Three.” And I got goosebumps. I graduated the same year as them and the “Saved by the Bell” class. So I enjoyed the cheese last night thoroughly, but I can’t lie and say that this show wasn’t a very important part of my teenage years. I started out hating it because it was trendy, even bought an ironic Brenda/Dylan pencil case to mock the hype. But somewhere along the line, I succumbed. So this two-parter episode smells like Eternity perfume, and made me cry at least three times last night. But there is still a lot to make fun of, don’t worry. I just am trying to keep it real.

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Anyway. The first scene is in the Walsh driveway of all places. Steve Sanders is talking about some plan, and calls Brandon “Brando.” Because she has brown hair, Brenda has the biggest balls and agrees to the plan first, then Dylan agrees, and the rest follow suit and they do that sports thing where they all meet hands and break, shouting, “Yeah!”

Next we have the set up for graduation on the lawn (quad?), and The Gang is playing football even though Brenda is wearing a long dress. And they’re just like, playing in the middle of everyone and I’d be really pissed if I got Marcia Bradyed right before graduation because of these numbnuts.

Hi Gil! Your hair is as lustrous as ever!

Oh yeah, David’s plot about all his finals. Riveting. And seriously, the show would have done much better to not try to get us to believe that freaking David Silver could graduate a year early and just leave him in high school for the next year. David might have been more prepared to own The Peach Pit After Dark. Maybe if he’d gone more slowly in high school he would not have had to forge Donna’s signature on a check to save his ass. In a way, David’s early graduation caused Noah. And that is not okay.

So yeah, David’s tired from all the studying and, I’m assuming, rapping.

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And Steve is feeling sorry for himself while wearing a cowboy shirt.

OH NO it’s a Dylan And His Money scene with Jim Walsh! The rule of thumb regarding Dylan/Jim scenes is that if they’re outside Jim’s office, they stand a fighting chance, but if you see them in Jim’s office, go make a sandwich or take a bath. Anyway, Dylan gets a lot of money from his dad, Mr. Hogan. And Dylan’s eyebrows are raised, so you know he is being cocky and not believing Jim’s advice that money changes people. Dylan can’t believe that Jim would doubt the emotional fortitude of the guy who took his daughter’s virginity and stole her away to Mexico, then dumped her for her best friend.

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Now we have a chick getting yelled at in the principal’s office because of her outfit, and the skirt is short but the girl is nowhere near the level of today’s high schools’ wardrobes (GET OFF MY LAWN! (QUAD?)), and the girl is played by an AMAZING under-five who with the weirdest inflection ever known to man, yells to Steve that he’s so lucky to be getting out of West Beverly. They commiserate about how hard it is to be 35 and still stuck in high school.

The thing is, the under-five was being oh-so-subtly ironic, because, IS Steve getting out of West Beverly? Despite his theft of the legacy key in one of the most drawn out, horrific subplots ever in the history of television?

The answer is YES! Because that time that he won $10,000 at the Laker game doing the half-court shot? He donated it to charity! So because he had money, he was not required to obey school rules and will be trying to squeeze a graduation cap over his puffy hair with the rest of his elderly friends. He gets very excited and kisses a random girl in the hallway!

Now there is an Andrea/Brandon scene, and I have neither the time nor the energy.

Finals are over, and David is sleeping at The Peach Pit because we need to wrap up the “David is tired” subplot, skim right over the “Nate as an honorary senior” subplot, and delve into some FLASHBACKS! Holler!

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We have Brenda as Laverne the diner waitress. I never pretended to understand that episode and I’m sure not going to start now.

Present time: Andrea’s boyfriend Jordan is all sad puppy, and implies that Andrea is in love with Brandon still and that’s why she’s wavering about going to Yale. Oh, I guess that’s what Brandon and Andrea’s scene was about before.

Brenda gets accepted to the University of Minnesota, so supportive brother as always, Brandon GLARES at her.

David FLASHBACK!! Seeing Kelly naked after her shower! Which he and Kelly laugh about; then they bond over being brother and sister now, and the mix of the two topics of conversation is really unsettling.

The Walshes are eating but for the life of me, I cannot figure out what. There are just bowls everywhere. It sort of looks like Make Your Own Sundae, but then why are all the bowls still full and why are they eating ice cream on plates with forks and why is there nothing on top of the ice cream? And then it sort of looks like there’s a fondue pot, but then why is there chocolate stuff in the bowls? Who dips chocolate in chocolate fondue? And what the hell is that red Jell-o thing all about?

I have now spent way more time wondering about the Walshes’ kitchen table than I am comfortable with.

Speaking of uncomfortable, now we have a FLASHBACK! to the time when Andrea and Brandon go on the merry-go-round and Andrea says to Brandon, “You see what we’re doing here? Going up and down and up and down and I’m riding this horse? Well it will be the same thing later, only you will be my horse. Happy moving away!”

M/L - Beverly Hills 90210 shirt.

Now…ugh. Now Brandon and Andrea are discussing her ambivalence towards Yale and she says she wants to stay in California and slum it with The Gang not because she wants to be with her friends, or her boyfriend, or near her grandmother, or because Connecticut’s too cold, or she wants to get to know herself beyond her Type A overachieverness. No, none of these. She doesn’t want to go to Yale because it is too expensive.

Kelly/Dylan FLASHBACK!, which to be fair was a pretty hot scene at the time, them in the pool, him lying his ass off that he totally chose Kelly over Brenda because he’s “always wanted (Kelly).” Then in the same breath he says that Kelly and Brenda were the ones who issued the stupid ultimatum of making him choose between them. Because when you cheat on your hot girlfriend with her hot best friend and they both fight over you instead of kicking your sorry cheating ass to the curb, and at a certain point they don’t want to share you, it’s totally stupid that you have to choose. Totally. But Kelly showed up, so Kelly it is.

Here’s Iris! I love Iris! And Iris does not approve of Kelly for Dylan, because she loved Brenda. Because awesome people need to have each other’s backs.

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And I can’t quite put my finger on what Dylan’s hair is reminding me of, but definitely a person, place or thing.

At this point, Steve Sanders is back, encapsulating that dark time in fashion: The Early ’90s.

FLASHBACK! of Andrea and Steve trying to exchange an egg and a clerk who is actually pretty funny threatening to call the police.

Remember that time that Kelly and Brenda got dressed up like they were going to a fancy ball for their date with guys from Princeton they’d never met, and then “Princeton” turns out to be Princeton School, not University, and their dates are kids? WELL SETH GREEN IS ONE OF THE KIDS!!! So I’m happy, because Seth Green rocks beyond belief and he needs to call me because I want to work on “Robot Chicken.”

Oh, oh! The Parisian brains scene! Stellar! Though Donna deserved a punch in the throat for her cutesy “Come here” finger she gives the waiter when she totally was the one who messed up her own order.

Oh, dear. In what may be the most cringeworthy scene ever in the world, David is dressed like Wayne and Donna is dressed like Garth, even though obviously Kelly should have done that because Jennie Garth, and they are saying “way” a lot to be – I can barely type this – funny – and it’s – wow. It’s bad.

But SO SO SO worth it, because it’s to introduce the legendary Senior Breakfast scene!!! Why this scene is so freaking AMAZING is that it is all about The Gang and no one else in the school.

First up, David gives Steve a big legacy key. Ha ha ha – no, come on. ENOUGH with the legacy key! Now, David’s video yearbook. David sure was an ambitious little kid, with his rapping and dancing and DJing and videoing. Then he just sort of became this tool who muttered and glared and wore baggy pants.

Show of hands: how many people would remain in the cafeteria to watch video footage of Kelly waking up and the gang in general just chilling in a cabin? I can tell you that I am not raising my hand.

FLASHBACK!! Dylan saving Brandon’s life after he falls off a cliff.

Oh, excuse me. There are non-The Gang people getting attention, as four football players receive pink tutus, but one of them is that guy who took Brenda to the prom, so it’s okay.

The “Senior Breakfast” continues, and they are showing Kelly and Brenda skydiving, and at this point, I would seriously start throwing food at the television. Or better yet, a hammer.

Now they’re showing the gals doing backup for Emily Valentine singing “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.” Have you guys ever seen that Lifetime movie with Emily Valentine, Grant Show, and Joanna Kerns? Because it is obviously amazing.

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At this point, I would exchange my hammer for a chair, because they are showing still pics of Brandon while the main girls and these two random chicks sing this horrid little ditty about how dreamy Brandon is, and again with the creepy brother/sister thing because while I love my brothers, I would not sing a song about how dreamy they are.

Montage! Of all the women Brandon’s been with including that one Latina girl who was awesome but because it was a Spelling show in the ’90s, only was there for one episode so we could all learn an Awkward Important Lesson About Race Relations, then she disappeared forever. Oh, and hi, Nikki! I LOVED Nikki. Remember when she and Brandon had sex for the first time and she’s wearing an awesome outfit (RIP spandex bodysuits) and they actually have really good chemistry and the song playing is sexy, though I don’t remember what it was and either way could not compare to “Love Is” playing when Billy and Amanda had sex for the first time on “Melrose Place.” Oh and hahahaah remember David Arquette played Nikki’s ex-boyfriend?

Yeah, Nikki was totally the best girlfriend Brandon ever had except maybe that one time he visited Emily Valentine in San Francisco after she cleaned up her act and wore hats, but more conservative hats, and had responsible brown hair. However, when asked who was his favorite, Brandon gets all misty water-colored memories about freakin’ Gabrielle Anwar because she ice skated with him. And don’t get me wrong, I loved Gabrielle Anwar in “Wild Horses Can’t Be Broken” as well as that fine cinematic masterpiece “If Looks Could Kill.” But her character on “90210” was no Nikki. And for any show or movie besides “Dirty Dancing” to use “I Had the Time of My Life” unironically is pure blasphemy.

Crop her out!

Ah, the David Silver dance. I can do it. The key is to look really surprised the entire time. Jokes aside, I miss early ’90s dancing.

FLASHBACK!! To Brenda’s First Time after Spring Fling. Remember how it was such a big deal that she came out and said “have sex” without shame? And remember her uber-early-’90s penguin dress?

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Now David is having an existential crisis in the radio booth. I’ll leave it at that.

Kelly outs Dylan on being newly rich(er), and while that’s not cool, he acts like a total dick and bullies her into submission. Have I mentioned that I HATE Dylan and Kelly as a couple? Don’t get me wrong, that Love Triangle + Superman was GREAT TV, but once they were a real couple, they sucked. Partially because Brenda is the most awesome character ever. But Dylan/Kelly was the worst. Dylan was an asshole to Kelly nonstop, except that one time he punched John Sears in the cafeteria.

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Anyway, I’m just procrastinating here, because next up is a Jim/Cindy FLASHBACK!! They are in the hot tub, so already I’m upset. But then. THEN! This swinger couple approaches them and they are too creepy for words. The female half of the couple actually goes:

“Oh come on now, Jimbo! I’ve been waiting all weekend to go around the goosey goosey, ducky ducky with you!”

What.

The.

FUCK does that even MEAN.

And then she gets NAKED!!!

Then it’s sad ’cause turns out Brandon was drunk driving, so Brenda has to interrupt her parents’ gross vacation. But there is a pretty nice bonding scene between Jim and Brandon, so I use that to distract me from The Sexuality of the Walsh Parents.

Until Jim ruins everything awesomely, by saying to Carol in present time, “I’ve always been a sucker for happy endings.”

. . .

Now Dylan is calling Jim “Jimbo.” People need to stop doing that.

FLASHBACK!! Dylan in the shower, Brenda wearing all my clothes from 1990 right down to the thick floral material stretchy headband, and Dylan showing Brenda his penis and Brenda reacting with approval.

Steve! Threatening to “whoop (Brandon’s) butt!” in HORSE, then cut to a shot of Brenda’s butt! Artistic!

FLASHBACK!! To that time when Julie from “Growing Pains” and a chick in a bra make out with Brandon and Steve, and then steal Steve’s car! And then Steve CRIES and it’s amazing. And we find out that Brandon is a Boy Scout, and now in present time he is making Steve an honorary Boy Scout, which is total bullshit.

FLASHBACK!! To Scott, who is into guns and cowboy hats now, and David is mean to him because people who try to be popular are in my experience the biggest douches on the planet. So then Scott dies and David actually gives a really good speech on the radio that foreshadows The Lovely Bones.

Kelly now is calling Dylan to apologize and because Dylan is a needy tool, he is totally chilling with Brenda behind Kelly’s back and Brenda’s boobs look HUGE and remind me how much I miss turtleneck tank tops.

FLASHBACK!! Dylan and Brenda are fighting very dramatically which I’d make fun of more if I didn’t have those same exact fights in high school, and Dylan looks like a velociraptor and smashes a plant on the ground! Then he grabs Brenda from behind and cries and says he is sorry.

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FLASHBACK!! The Dylan/Jim Mexican standoff! And everyone’s clothes are awesome!

Upon further reflection, Dylan’s present-day hair reminds me of a UFO. But that’s not quite it either.

Iris! Who is happy to see Brenda, and who can blame her! And she and Dylan make up. I don’t know if I mentioned before that they were fighting, but they were.

Now we have a Kelly, Jackie, and Erin scene to remind us how good Jennie Garth looks in royal blue, and Erin is STARING off screen and it is really creepy.

Brenda and Brandon are bonding into a FLASHBACK!! As Brenda in the pilot misses Minneapolis and Brandon reassures her. In present time, they have a very nice scene, and I cry.

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Graduation Day! Starting with Steve, who can afford to just give away 10K, giving Dylan a hard time about his $800 boots. Although if I were Kelly I would have dumped Dylan right then and there for a) spending $800 on boots-not-for-function, b) just being Dylan in general, and c) for being a diva and buying himself boots and nothing for me. Not to be materialistic, but maybe you could pick up a daisy for your girlfriend on the way back from Thom McAn, Big Guy.

Uh oh, Mr. Hogan is there visiting Dylan at the water fountain, even though he’s dead! Paving the way for Dylan’s future psychic endeavours in the Old West and also Jack from “LOST.”

Ohhhhhh here it is: “I now present to you, the graduating class of Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-Three.” And I cry.

Andrea lost her speech! So she pulls an Ione Skye and goes on this really defensive rant about how no one can steal this from them, their moment in time, and I think she’s projecting a little bit, because I don’t see anyone trying to steal this moment from them. But I cry anyway.

And Jackie has dressed up like that Career Barbie from the ’80s with the pink suit.

FLASHBACK!! To remind us again how good Jennie Garth looks in royal blue! And she’s crying to Dylan.

FLASHBACK!! Donna telling David she’s a virgin and will remain so until Season Seven!

FLASHBACK!! To Dylan pretentiously reading Lord Byron because he is That Guy, and you know Kerouac is coming ’round the mountain as we speak!

Now they all get their diplomas, and Kelly’s father shows up, not flaking out for once in his life, and she cries, and guess what? So do I!

Donna Martin Graduate

FLASHBACK!! Jim talking to Brenda about her always being his little girl no matter how many pregnancy tests Cindy finds in the garbage, and I am seriously getting very emotional right now! I love Shannen Doherty so much. But can I just say how awesome it would be when she quits/gets fired from the new “90210,” if they got Rose McGowan to replace her?

Now in present time, Brandon and Steve are pawing at each other as per usual and Dylan tells Iris that he saw Dead Mr. Hogan, and Iris is like, “Dude, that totally makes sense” and I’m wishing that Iris could be my friend in real life.

Aaron, who used to recap “The Sopranos” on Television without Pity, had a start-to-robe basis by which he judged the episodes. Meaning, how quickly we saw Tony in his robe that episode could help predict its quality. Well I am now regretting not having done my own robe thing, because there are an astonishing number of them in this episode. Currently, Jim is chilling in a blue one made of like, velour, and it has a hood. And he doesn’t say “I told you so, bitch!” when Dylan says he’s afraid the money will change him. Personally, I think Dylan could stand a change or two, but I guess he is right to be nervous. He gives the money back to Jim, but says he wants a monthly check and I am starting to actually gain respect for him until he says he’s gonna go “bum around Europe” and we are right back to square one.

Now it’s the infamous scene on the hill, and I’m REALLY emotional now because it’s all over soon and for all my joking, watching this really made me feel young and innocent for 90 minutes, and I kind of didn’t want it to end just yet.

But it’s the second-to-last scene, as Kelly calls Andrea “nimble” for some reason, and Dylan announces he might not be going to California University with all of them, and for someone who was such a little bitch about Kelly’s outing his windfall, you think he could be a little less of a jerk in announcing this without even talking to Kelly first. Poor Kelly.

And Brenda announces that she’s going to the University of Minnesota.

And Donna is wearing Steve’s cowboy shirt.

And Dylan invites Kelly to Europe and she’s happy, because she is an idiot.

They sleep, and wake up, and I really miss sleeping outdoors with groups of people.

A song plays about how “blood is thicker than water,” and The Gang drives down to look up at their mystery project on the hill, and we now see what they were talking about in the first scene: a sign on the hill like the “Hollywood” sign. It says “WBEV HI ’93.” And The Gang stands all together for one last time as a group of friends, and they look up at their work and smile. They have graduated.

And I cry.

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~ THE END ~

Click here to read my “90210” survival guide!

Posted in Body Image, Celebrities, Childhood, Friends, Going Out, Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night, Miscellaneous, Movies, Romance, School, TV, Women | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

To Be My Sunshine After the Rain

Posted on February 15, 2012 by judisunshine

It began yesterday. My mother came home from Colorado for the last time. Meaning, the next time she or anyone from my family visits, they will not be going “home.” They’ll go to my place, or Robb and Amy’s. But not home.

The entire place looks gutted. When my family left in December, they took themselves. That is what broke off the house then. But they left behind the furniture and the things they didn’t need, which is of course the stuff that means the most to me.

This week, whatever I don’t save gets thrown away. It’s the ultimate challenge to my eternally anthropomorphizing packrat self.

“Do you want this, Judith?” my mother asked me about dishes that I’ve known since I was seven. Of course I do. How could I say goodbye to those dishes?

“Do you want this bookcase?”

“Do you want this picture?”

Do I want this, do I want that. Notebooks and scattered pieces of looseleaf, filled with bubbled letters and “i”s dotted with hearts. Books I haven’t seen in 20 years that I once could not put down. Record albums that were in constant rotation back in my formative years.

The house looks like a garage sale of my life. Because I had little of my own growing up, I always made the most of what I had to work with. So when I see something of my parents that underscored my entire childhood, sitting in the garbage, my heart just breaks.

Which means that my heart breaks pretty much every minute I’m in my house. But I guess it’s been breaking since I moved back home. Hopes constantly dangling, then falling to the ground with unceremonious thuds. But more on that later. I have to go meet my mother and brother for dinner, so my mother can find out “what (I) want, and what (she) should just get rid of.”

I want all of it. But I can’t take all of it. If it were a game of “Survivor,” I’d know. Take the fire; leave the heavy crates. Take the protein; leave the soda.

Here, in real life, I have no idea.

Posted in Apartments & Other Domiciles, Childhood, Miscellaneous | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Out to Lunch

Posted on February 14, 2012 by judisunshine

1. Find out credit card payment went through.

2. Drive to Target, proud of my ability to multi-task at lunch.

3. Plan in head purchase of beautiful clothing and Healthy Choice® frozen dinner.

4. Pack wisely, taking only keys and credit card.

5. Get once again distracted by amusement park next door, make big plans to ride roller coaster on lunch break soon.

6. Walk in store, get sidetracked by even more beautiful bikinis than last time.

7. Feel the tops, all pads, no elastic, get sad, move on.

8. Realize fashion has taken a 2005 turn; everything ugly again.

9. Find consolation prize in cute polo, red tee, cool green thermal, and avant garde dresses.

10. Realize what a perfect dress for a picnic one would be.

11. Lament loss of picnic backpack to thieving ex.

12. Rise above bitterness, and in moral victory, make unprecedented journey to fitting room.

13. Wonder if anyone ever looks hot in fitting room besides Victoria’s Secret’s.

14. Hate red tee; screw MSCL lesson about wearing red to attract men.

15. Hate inexplicably tight polo.

16. Hate light thermal in weird puke green.

17. Get pissed at gaps between buttons in Fantasy Picnic Dress.

18. Realize doesn’t matter, look like Joan Allen in “Pleasantville” anyway.

19. Try on last-hope dress.

20. Mentally rage at society that current fashion looks like muumuus.

21. Leave in indignant huff, pick out lunch.

22. Realize am sans money.

23. Go back to fitting room, tell clerks I lost wallet.

24. Clerks sympathize, send me to Help Desk.

25. Help Desk filled with scrunchied parents screaming at kids and yelling at clerks.

26. Retreat in terror and disgust.

27. Tell fitting room friends oops I just had my credit card, not wallet.

28. Go to car to make sure, scrape for change.

29. Look more for credit card, to no avail.

30. Cancel credit card.

31. Buy Lean Pockets for second day in row, using quarters.

32. Leave, filled with defeat.

33. Get back late, no time to eat Lean Pockets.

34. Cry.

Posted in Body Image, Miscellaneous, Women, Work | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Straight-Edge Adventures Of Ford Fairmont

Posted on February 13, 2012 by judisunshine

It happens constantly. People talking about cars, and admiring cars, and pointing and being all, “I’m gonna own that car one day.” And truthfully, I could not care less on my own end. But there was one car I had and loved, that was unequivocally awesome. That was my powder blue, 1981 Ford Fairmont station wagon.

I got it for free. My friend Scott had it sitting in his yard. As you do. He wasn’t using it, so he gave it to me. As thanks, I gave him the Beatles Anthology, which in 1995 was new, and it was exciting hearing voices from Beyond The Grave. Scott always said he got the better end of the deal.

But I loved that car. It was so exciting! Evidence one: About a week after I started driving it, it needed a new transmission. Awww, poor car!

The Fairmont came off all grumpy, but it was a delicate creature. At this time, I was dating Jim who as luck would have it, was a mechanic. Or became one after this, that timeline always confuses me? Either way, he knew about cars, and it was good to have him around to show me that with old ones, the normal process of simply starting it up is a new language to be learned and mastered. And that I needed to rev the engine at lights to keep it happy.

But one night the engine would not rev. It was dead. Because of the aforementioned transmission, you see. And somehow, we had to get it from Jim’s house in North Baldwin to my place in South Baldwin. About a 3 1/2–mile difference.

How did this happen? No, there were no tow trucks! No, there was no AAA! Rather, Jim got in his own piece o’ crap car and SLAMMED into the back of my car, just to give it enough momentum to go further. This went on the entire time. SLAM!!! Roll, roll, stop…SLAM!!! All the way home. It really is a wonder and sort of representative of my town that no one called the cops, you know? But that was of course awesome. Real-life bumper cars.

Also awesome was this one time after work at CVS. Part of the Baldwin Crew, Maureen, did not yet have her license. So obviously she needed to drive my car. Whatever, she needed practice, and the parking lot was empty. So off she went! With Jim in the passenger seat and Scott in the backseat. And then around she went! To circle the store. Right before they turned the corner, Scott climbed out the window and got on the roof of the car. It was awesome! And hilarious! I watched them drive away and laughed and laughed…

…until they came back around followed by a police car! Then there was this slapstick rigmarole to convince the cop that Jim, a licensed driver, was the one carrying humans on the roof. I don’t know if the cop completely bought it, but since I wasn’t even in the car, I think my palpable “I’ve never even had sex or a beer, Officer” terror made him feel awkward. All’s well that ends well!

Time went on, and the car got awesomer. By dating a Phish head (Phishead?), I needed no weed to discover that store I can never remember the name of that store in Island Park. Like Utopia, but less poser-y. I think. Either way, they had more flower stickers than you can shake a stick(er?) at, and my car was adorned with big, shiny flowers and happy faces, as well as a Phish bumper sticker that I didn’t understand but thought was funny because it had the word “possum” in it. This was before the Disney Backyard Horror of ’98, you see. Another story for another time.

What truly completed the awesomeness of the Ford Fairmont was a serendipitous find from the Special Olympics. They were being held in a school, and Red Lobster was helping out at a table. On my way to go to the restroom or something, I came across *it.* A life-sized, black and white picture of a head on a popsicle stick. That head? Belonged to none other than Mr. Drummond. And this was during that awkward time where a lot of people thought he was dead, before the Internet.

Why Conrad Bain’s face was adorning such art, I will never know. But obviously, I needed this Mr. Drummond head. I wasn’t sure why exactly, just that it was an important acquisition, life-wise.

I separated the paper from the popsicle stick and taped it to the Fairmont’s back windshield. Traffic isn’t quite so stressful when you realize that whoever is stuck behind you might be having some wicked acid flashbacks, or at the very least is probably very confused.

Of course, it couldn’t last forever. You don’t adopt a sickly 15-year-old dog and expect to grow old with him. You just appreciate your time together while you have it. And I sure did. I got to meet so many neighbors, people who very politely told me never to dare park that thing in front of their houses again. Sigh, good times.

So, Lexuses, Schmexuses. While it would be nice to have a car these days, to be sure, the Ford Fairmont set the bar for all future cars in terms of aesthetic appeal. Flower stickers > heated seats, IMO. After all, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum!

Posted in Apartments & Other Domiciles, Celebrities, Driving & Other Transportation, Friends, Work | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 4: She Fought Alone

Posted on February 9, 2012 by judisunshine

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First things first. This is not Wentworth Miller:

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See, I was so confused re-watching “She Fought Alone,” because this whole time I was thinking that the dude who plays Jace was from a “Buffy” episode. I just couldn’t figure out which one. Wentworth Miller actually was on “Buffy” (Season 2, “Go Fish”), and I thought he was in that movie where he and Holly Marie Combs kill Cassidy Rae, “b/c she’s so pretty and stuff” ~ Krysi.

Turns out, Wentworth Miller was not in that movie (“Navy NCIs”), but rather, David Lipper was. And he was also in “She Fought Alone,” sporting a specific kind of curly hair that lets us know right away he’s a douche. David Lipper was not, however, on “Buffy.” That was Wentworth Miller. This confusion blew my mind last night, big time. Like the time I thought Keira Knightley and Rachel Weisz were the same person.

Just wanted to clear up any confusion. Speaking of which, y’all should know that obviously, rape isn’t funny. However, when judging Lifetime (including non-Lifetime stuff that airs on Lifetime) movies, the rules are completely different than they are for real movies. Statistically speaking, the more horrible the subject matter, the more gloriously cheesy the Lifetime movie. Conversely, the ones with positive stuff going on suck, big time. Pregnancy movies are surprisingly bad, because most of the movie is spent being all reflective about life, choices, and becoming a better person.

Other good rules of thumb: avoid anything beginning with “Danielle Steele” or starring Susan Lucci. Those movies rarely go well. Your best bet in picking a Lifetime movie is to stick with youth. College is okay; sororities are a plus. If they’re any older, they’d better be doing drugs and/or living off the streets like Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Budget Natalie Portman.

Speaking of three-named ’90s TV stars, “She Fought Alone” majorly scored with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. She was with co-star Brian Austin Green in real life at the time, so Brian Austin Green used his “90210” clout to get his girlfriend roles, but then everyone realized that Tiffani-Amber was a better actor. Then they broke up and instead of changing their last names like Meredith Baxter-SometimesBirney, these guys dropped their middle names.

Regarding Meredith Baxter-SometimesBirney, she does some primo work on Lifetime, but tread carefully, because she is often very sad, and it can take its toll. Plus she played the same role in two different Lifetime movies, which is a little confusing, like if Alyssa Milano starred in the Drew Barrymore version of the Amy Fisher story, as well.

So “She Fought Alone” is about Tiffani-Amber Thiessen being popular for awhile. It’s nice that she doesn’t look out of place in high school despite being 37 at the time, because everyone else in the school is 50. And her new friends include Evie from “Out of this World,” looking sharp (literally) as always. Brian Austin Green is Tiffani-Amber’s boyfriend. I think.

For awhile, all is well with the world. Tiffani-Amber makes some douchebag popular friends known as “The Crew.” I’ll just let you think about that for a bit. In other news, 1995 was a great time for curvy-girl fashion. Raise your hand if you miss sundresses with cowboy boots!

Unfortunately, Tiffani-Amber’s life takes a dramatic turn when she is raped by NotWentworth and his mop o’ curls. That would be bad enough, but to add insult to injury, no one believes her, including Brian Austin Green! And meanwhile her mom is busy emoting all over the place while wearing red lipstick.

So everyone calls Tiffani-Amber a slut, and she cries a lot, but then things start to get really awesome. The Crew tricks her, and seriously, why don’t people learn lessons from TV and the movies? If you are shunned by your friends, and all of a sudden they are nice to you and want to bring you to a barn, you DON’T go. That’s just simple logic.

But I guess no one else wanted to be friends with Tiffani-Amber and her soccer-mom haircut, so she has to go to the barn. At which point, everyone comes out of nowhere and it’s like that scene in Lord of the Flies where they kill that delicate kid. In this case, they don’t kill Tiffani-Amber, but they do cut off her hair, and it is awesome.

Now that Tiffani-Amber is missing a whole like, two inches from her hair, she stops wearing so many sundresses and starts wearing a lot more button-down tank tops. And instead of smiling all the time, she does that thing where she puffs out her lips and opens her eyes really wide.

Meanwhile, the background music is FANTASTIC.

Then it gets pretty boring, as do most Lifetime movies around the 45-minute mark. The first 45 minutes are awesome, with all sorts of peril and pretty people acting badly. But then you have to somehow get to an Ending With Purpose, so you endure things like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen trying desperately to garner an expression or two from Brian Austin Green while she sues the school and don’t get me started on that one, all I will say is that the school did not send a bus to pick her dumb ass up to go to a barn with the same people who’d been making her life all awful.

So yeah, the movie’s pretty boring then, but Tiffani-Amber wins her case and it’s like yay, and NotWentworth is just a joy to watch in the courtroom, eyes bugging without abandon and his hair is busy working on its own thing, all bouncy atop his head.

Then the second-best part of the movie happens. No wait. Third best. Second best was them cutting off all her hair. But the third best part is that Evie has been mysteriously absent throughout all this. The kids in general are, and that is a big problem with most movies. Like “Annie.” Awesome value decreases big-time without the orphans.

So anyway, Tiffani-Amber’s all triumphant and I guess she is moving away and goes to say goodbye to her awesome BFF, Evie, who has never called her a slut or cut off her hair. Except that she totally did. But Tiffani-Amber is there, with narrower eyes and a smile on her face so you know all is well with her soul. Except, stunning revelation! Evie is pregnant! And guess who is the baby daddy? NotWentworth! So I guess Evie believed Tiffani-Amber all along? It’s kind of unclear. I think the second half of the movie was done during a writer’s strike Of Yore. It’s the only explanation.

The Best Scene not just in this movie, but possibly ever, now occurs. Tiffani-Amber drives out of the town, all happy that she is moving on with her life, unlike Evie whose turn it now is to be all depressed and not even get to wear button-down tank tops to cope.

And as Tiffani-Amber’s face moves from contemplative to peaceful, there is a montage going on and it is like Emily’s monologue from the end of Our Town, only instead of clocks ticking and Mama’s sunflowers, Tiffani-Amber’s nostalgic reflections start out pretty weird to begin with, with that one time she tried to explode the science lab, but then get downright ghoulish, as the montage goes from her like, laughing and happy, to running in the night, missing clothes and hair, away from her tormenters. Then back to happy again! And meanwhile, you see Tiffani-Amber CRACKING UP as she drives, and I’m not so sure what the funniest parts were. But it is all set to that one Blues Traveler song, so you get the message that no matter how often you fight alone, the heart will bring you back to the people who completely fucked up your life in the first place.

~ THE END ~

What is your favorite Lifetime movie? And what is your preferred incarnation of Tiffani-Amber Thiessen?

Posted in Celebrities, Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night, Movies, School, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Extra, Extra! My First Big Break!(?)

Posted on February 8, 2012 by judisunshine

When I was a junior in college, I dropped out of Hofstra University. I was tired of being on an assembly line, romantically ambivalent, the usz — another blog for another day. Bottom line, I took this time to Pursue Acting. And OMG to the day I got the call from a casting agency where I’d sent my headshot. They wanted me to be in a movie with Al Pacino! ‘Course, I’d never done extra work at that point, and had no true grasp on what it meant. Except that I was going to be in an Al Pacino movie. After the call, I floated downstairs, thrilled to tell my family that I’d achieved theatrical success so quickly.

The big/next day arrived, and I spent 17 hours doing my hair and makeup, which combined with my only black outfit (funeral scene), a form fitting and rather short crushed velvet dress, I probably looked less like a mourner and more like a hooker. But whatevs; that morning I felt quite prepared To Act.

I found the NYC location with surprisingly little drama, and waited in the holding area, which since I’d never done extra work, seemed very glamorous. I took mental note of the seasoned extras, both SAG and non-union, bourgeois and proletariat. One only needed to look at the craft service tables to see which was which. Though I yearned to be a Serious Actress, I was sort of proud to be surviving on the basics and not being perceived as haughty. Though I will say that the SAG actors were totally willing to sneak fancy snacks to those who weren’t entitled to them. It was a nice vibe. Being an extra rocked.

When the time came, we were herded over to the staging area — in this case, a church in downtown Manhattan (IIRC, compass-wise). The movie we were extras for was “Devil’s Advocate,” and (SPOILER ALERT!!!) we were at the funeral for the guy who dies while jogging, who was in “Howard the Duck” and “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

I sat in the church, and the combination of my Catholic upbringing and intense commitment to cinema filled me with reverence, and I was totally ready for my close-up, so to speak. But then, things were taking longer than expected to get started. That is when the one dude from “The Jeffersons” started making his way through the funereal crowd and shaking hands with extras he’d apparently taken the time to get friendly with over the years, and he graciously met me and shook my hand. He was incredibly nice. Acting was so awesome!

But then, without any footage having been shot of the extras, we had to go back to the holding area. And it had started raining. I’d spent intense effort Caruso-steam-curling my hair, and felt defeated, knowing my hair would be back to flat and pin-straight in no time. How sad, for my first time on film to be with lesser hair.

Still, it was a great group of people, and I drank more coffee and read whatever book was giving me life direction when I was 22, and waited in the holding area for my next orders. This was all part of learning to be an actress, and it was all good.

Once again, we went to the church. The sky was growing darker, and the rain was pouring harder. My hair was a lost cause. But a movie had to be made! This time, some scenes were shot. I saw Monica Keena across the way, and wished for a few moments that I’d been more cooperative back in the day when I was a child actress, because, how cool would THAT be, to not only be in a movie with Al Pacino, but have actual lines and a character name.

But hey, dues must be paid. I sat and did my best to look mournful, even as rumors that Keanu Reeves was having issues with the scene spread throughout the church. This could be a longer day than anyone had expected.

Back to the holding area. But first, we all had to be let out of the church. Floodlights (I believe that’s the term?) were blaring, and wow did walking out of the church made me feel like a movie star and was an ultimate letdown all at once, because by that point, word had spread that a movie was being filmed here, and there were eager spectators on the street. They were psyched to see people leave, but then they’d see us and it was like, “Who are you?” and it was a fair question as we extras skulked past the let-down crowd and trudged back to the gray basement holding area.

And back to the church. This time, Al Pacino arrived! He is not a large man, but/therefore WOW, does he have a presence. He did that scene where he dips his finger in the holy water and it gets all wonky, and honestly, the whole day was worth it for that moment — to witness true theatrical gravitas. Chills!

Next break, things were running more smoothly, but there was a quick time-out that thankfully did not require a return to the holding area. We could just go chill out for a bit. The rain had become mist, and most people just wanted to be in the freaking outdoors, already.

Including Craig T. Nelson. I didn’t smoke at that point, but I always tended to gravitate towards those who did, in situations where I didn’t know anyone, because there was always “the more, the merrier” vibe. This time was no exception. People were smoking, not seeming to mind being kept at their one-day-job WAY later than they’d been told, and there in the midst was Mr. Nelson. Most of the other principal actors were back in the church in their fancy chairs, seemingly agitated with the day’s/night’s turn of events. Craig T. Nelson was just there, outside in the crappy weather, smoking a cigarette, and genuinely chilling with people who Weren’t Important. AWESOMENESS.

Then we had to go back inside, to film more of the same three-minute(?) scene that was now lasting upwards of twelve hours. People were restless and cranky, and did I mention it was Valentine’s Day? But at this point, most people there had given up on having a romantic day, and the spirit of the church reflected it. Still, the show must go on.

It felt like mercy when a bunch of pews of extras were sent home, including my own, with an effusive “Thank you for your work today!” I HAD worked that day. You’re welcome. And thanks for letting me go home. I hadn’t expected my first extra job to last so long, but what an exciting and educational day it was. And YAY to being in a movie!

Fast forward to the release of “Devil’s Advocate.” I hadn’t had much luck with the acting since my grueling day of extra work, but what an amazing rush to go see a movie I was in! Life would be set back on track, once I witnessed the fruits of my labor before me.

I went to Roosevelt Field Loew’s with my BFF Shannon and her sister Devon, and got carded to see a rated R movie. Devon responded, “She’s IN the movie!” And I felt very special indeed, as I slid my driver’s license under the plexiglass to prove I was over 17 at 22. Someday, I’d never have to show my ID. I was an actress in a movie! Now it was only a matter of time…

I was so nervous, sitting in the theater, waiting for my moment to arrive. But I pretty quickly realized that my scene wasn‘t coming for awhile, and in the meantime, I got totally wrapped up in the movie around it. Charlize Theron was magnificent as Keanu’s angst-ridden wife!

And finally…the funeral scene. I tried to stay cool, but my knee started bouncing up and down like that one time I was hit by a car when I was eight. I couldn’t control it. This was my life’s purpose. Acting.

And sure enough, we had gathered here today…

The camera panned back, and I held my breath. Funeral gatherers eeee! But oh no, I’m not there! Wait, no worries, not my side of the church yet. Give it time. Characters, close-ups, relationships, plot, sure, sure…

Uh oh.

My side of the church looks decidedly thinned out. I think…

…Yup. My side was captured in the film after they’d sent many people home.

Including me. I was not in “Devil’s Advocate.”

First major acting breakthrough: FAIL!

 

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Death Be Not Proud

Posted on February 7, 2012 by judisunshine

Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
~ John Donne

I was driving home from work. Just another night that followed a dreary, gray January day. Same old, same old. Ennui had set in, and an overall vague depression.

At least I was almost home. Though my house was now empty; all the family that lived there besides me had moved across the country. So even the prospect of home wasn’t that thrilling.

I was in the middle lane, three exits from mine, on the Meadowbrook Parkway. I got over to my right, just like I’d done thousands of times before.

Only…my car wasn’t turning right. My car was turning left. My body filled with the ringing of adrenaline before my brain realized what was happening.

Maybe I’d gotten distracted. Please tell me I’d gotten distracted. I turned the wheel right again, and this time, my car started waving around the road like a belly dancer.

Then time seemed to stand still. I lost a friend whom I won’t name. He lost control of his car on a highway. In those split seconds that felt like forever, I clearly remember my own voice in my head: “This is how (friend) died.” I heard it as I veered further and further to the left, and as an SUV whizzed past me to my right.

I knew at any moment I’d hear the horrid sound of metal crunching, as other cars would follow the SUV and smash into mine. Then I heard a screaming in my head:

FOCUS! GET AWAY FROM THE MEDIAN!

I was so close to the median. My car wasn’t responding to anything that I did. It was dancing all over the parkway, dancing towards the concrete wall at a rapid speed.

I cried out in a voice so terribly weak from fear the shortest prayer I’d ever uttered, “Jesus?” One word, a prayer for help, a prayer to not be scared, and a prayer for my soul if I died. One word was all I had time for; I had to FOCUS.

Every ounce of adrenaline that I had and that I could summon, every bit of strength that was in me, I threw into fighting with the wheel to go right. I willed the car with my entire body, mind, and soul to GO TO THE RIGHT. It felt like when you first try to get the teacups to spin at an amusement park, the same resistance.

Finally, it responded. It spun around, but it went right until I stopped with a crash. I’d smashed into the guardrail.

And time stood still again.

I wasn’t dead.

I turned my head to the right. Every single car was stopped, many feet back. They waited. I put my car in reverse, terrified to have it move again, but knowing I could go really slow, at least. I looked at the guardrail and was amazed to see that it was fully intact.

Not one car moved as I backed up, and turned my car around. The entire ride home, I couldn’t stop shaking. Finally, I was home. Before getting out, I told myself not to freak out if my car was destroyed. I was alive.

Holding my breath, I looked at my car.

Nothing. Just a little paint missing.

I broke down and cried like I never had before.

Why hadn’t I died? What had just happened? No one pays attention on the roads anymore. It was rush hour. How was it that only one car came even close to me?

How was it possible that I lost control of my car so completely, yet walked away with not a scratch on me?

These were the questions that haunted me throughout 2008, when I wasn’t being haunted by my dreams. That is, when I could sleep at all. The adrenaline that filled me that night never left. I am just now learning how to breathe all right while in a car.

That night was just the beginning of the hardest year of my entire life, even beating out 2004. But it was also the beginning of the most amazing year of my entire life. The year that “I walked through fire and didn’t get burned.” Looking back on it all now, where I was a year ago…let’s just say I’d never want to relive it, but I am so glad that I kept fighting. After that night where I lost control of my car, but fought it, and lived, I knew that I had it in me to fight, and fight harder. And then fight even harder.

I know so many of you have been to hell and back this year. Keep holding on, keep pushing through. Hang in there. It’s scarier than lying down, and it’s scarier than hiding. But it is so, so worth it.

Here’s to a new year. We can help each other through this one from the very beginning 🙂

Posted in Driving & Other Transportation, Miscellaneous | Tagged , , , , , | 5 Comments

Posted on February 5, 2012 by judisunshine

judisunshine's avatarjudisunshine

Many times, people will ask me about sports. Or they will try to engage me in conversations about sports. Or — and this is the worst offense of all — they will invite me over to ostensibly hang out together and just put on sports. The last one is the most heinous offense of them all, because sports games NEVER END. Now, don’t get me wrong! I have gotten into sports before, and I do desire to share things that are important to my theoretical loved ones. But don’t assume that I have any background information on the subject.

So for your convenience, I have compiled a list of everything I know about sports and/or how they have played a role in my life:

1. I was at a few of the ’86 World Series games and made cookies from scratch for each game.

2. Kevin Elster is pretty.

3…

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Hope Riding High: My Top 10 ’80s Fist-Pumping Movie Songs!

Posted on February 3, 2012 by judisunshine

So this has been a big, controversial year full of politics and rage. An election and a rejection. Fights. Fear. A collapsing economy.

I figured out why. It’s simply been too long since we had great, motivating songs in our movies and by extension, surrounding culture! To help out with this problem, I have compiled a list of my top 10 personal ’80s faves, in descending order of awesomeness and life importance. Listen to them and you’ll see – the power is within, dude. Just heed the musical cheerleaders, and discover for yourself.

10. “Iron Eagle” by King Kobra, from “Iron Eagle”

This song does not stand out compared to others as such, but “Iron Eagle” is of course one of the best movies ever made. I can’t make a list about kickass movie things from the ’80s and not represent for “Iron Eagle.” I mean, really.

9. “Dream Warriors” by Dokken, from “Nightmare on Elm Street 3”

I didn’t even see “Nightmare on Elm Street” the original until this year or possibly 2007, but I must have watched this video…I don’t even know how many times. It’s creepy. And I love how Patricia Arquette is always playing people who get followed around and haunted. This video kicked ASS back in the day, as did the song, and it was a predecessor for metal in my future grown-up life. Make of that what you will.

8. “The Heat is On” by Glenn Frey, from “Beverly Hills Cop”

Deer neer neer neer neer, neer neer neer neer neer! Ohoh-ohoh, ohoh-ohoh, tell me can you feel it! I sure can!

7. “You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito, from “The Karate Kid”

This would be higher, but the top seven is a super-tight race, and song-wise, I’d rather listen to the top six. Awesomeness-wise, let’s give it up for THIS:

6. “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News, from “Back to the Future”

In 1985, my friend Ann Marie saw this movie before me, and spent approximately 15 minutes explaining this song, and all I got from it was this:

“Credit cards and subway turnstiles and Huey Lewis and it’s great.”

I had no idea what she was talking about, or why she and her brother would NOT stop singing or talking about this song.

And then I saw “Back to the Future.” Mind you, I was in utter love with Michael J. Fox, so that he was so connected to a song about the power of love? Well, I was SOLD.

5. “Footloose” by Kenny Loggins, from “Footloose”

Again, I only saw this movie recently, but in all those years, I still understood the magic. “Footloose” makes me feel like my feet have wings and I am flying through meadows of lightning and unicorns and joy.

4. “Burning Heart” by Survivor, from “Rocky IV”

I feel like this song is extremely underrated. Personally, this song was always AWESOME to me. Just great. I saw “Rocky IV” in the theaters and always loved the Rocky movies. IV was my favorite because I thought Dolph Lundgren was really hot and badass. He had that awesome accent. “I must break you.” Woohoo! And if the song is good enough to work out to in Soviet Russia in the freezing cold, it is good enough for me.

But this song – dude. I’m just going to give you the lyrics, ’cause they’re too great to choose from, and I feel a life-kinship to them, and the serious expression on the singer’s face below 😀

Two worlds collide – rival nations,
It’s a primitive clash – venting years of frustrations,
Bravely we hope against all hope – there is so much at stake
Seems our freedom’s up against the ropes.
Does the crowd understand?
Is it East versus West, or man against man
Can any nation stand alone?

In the burning heart – just about to burst,
There’s a quest for answers, an unquenchable thirst,
In the darkest night – rising like a spire,
In the burning heart – the unmistakable fire

In the warrior’s code – there’s no surrender,
Though his body says stop – his spirit cries – never!*
Deep in our soul a quiet ember,
Knows it’s you against you, It’s the
Paradox that drives us on
It’s a battle of wills, in the heat of attack,
It’s the passion that kills
The victory is yours alone.

*My favorite part 🙂

3. “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins, from “Top Gun”

It was very close, this and “Burning Heart,” but they did this song on “Kids, Incorporated,” so. Plus, dude – Kenny Freakin’ Loggins! ‘Nuff said.

2. “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor, from “Rocky III”

If I have to explain this one outside of why wasn’t it number one, I’m not sure this relationship is going to work out between us.

1. “St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)” by John Parr, from “St. Elmo’s Fire”

“St. Elmo’s Fire” is far from my favorite movie on this list. But this song has always evoked a visceral reaction from me. There is this amazing urgency to it. The opening line, “Growing up, you don’t see the writing on the wall” gives me chills every single time. The verses are so hushed, like you know the song’s gonna take off, but for now we need to discuss why that is going to be so EXCITING.

And just overall, this song encapsulates the word that matters most to me: hope. It’s about true courage, about fighting, soaring, even after you’ve been seemingly defeated.

You broke the boy in me
But you won’t break the man

Holler to that!

Posted in Celebrities, Lists, Miscellaneous, Movies, Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments