(I started late, because it’s not really fun without someone to watch it with.)

– Oh — oh…nooooo, Nicole Kidman — WTF??? Someone needs to stage an intervention or something. I know celebrities like to switch up the look, but…she started out as this vibrant woman, so beautiful and different with her red curly hair and freckles. So, she wants to mess around with the dye and that’s cool, but…she’s become like, absent of pigmentation! And also eyebrows! And I didn’t notice any wrinkles before, but I guess she’s absent of those too, because she looks rather *unable* to smile or make any expressions to speak of.

– Ohhhh, okay, no WONDER I was so confused when Keira Knightley was everywhere, and I was like, “she seems different now.” That’s because she was, in fact, Rachel Weisz this whole time! Until she became Keira Knightley apart from Rachel Weisz, and I forgot about Rachel until just this moment when she won an Academy Award.

– Damn, wow. That is some ker-razy cleavage, Rachel Weisz! I feel kind of bad for her. She looks like I felt the year I Ace bandaged my boobs to be (The New) Jan Brady.

– Michelle Williams looks just lovely and flabbergasted to be here. That’s nice. I think I’d like the Oscars more if everyone looked a little more honored to be invited.

– That Best Actress spoof thing was surprisingly good!

– Okay, I don’t mind if actors don’t seem excited to be there if they all act like George Clooney, like they’ve got mad swagger-boy ADD going on . He’s like, jumping around in his seat and looking all around and it’s awesome.

– You know, I sent an email to Charlize Theron right after “Devil’s Advocate” when no one knew who she was, and she didn’t write back.

– Wow, how great would it be if EVERY Oscar winner brought a stuffed animal up on stage like the “March of the Penguins” dudes?

– Wait, what did Bodiless Oscar Voice just call Jennifer Lopez? “Entertaining and versatile”? Just because you showed that clip of her from “Selena” from before she was J. Lo doesn’t mean she gets to be called those things.

– Although I think I found out who’s been stealing all of the orange from Nicole Kidman.

– Well, many have referred to “Crash” as self-consciously artsy and overly self serious. Thank goodness this performance of “In the Deep” was neither.

– Is it wrong that every time there is an absentee speech given, it reminds me of 90210 and all the telegrams?

– Hee! Samuel Jackson knows how to WALK.

– Sid Dennis…huhhhhh…I feel like I’m at a work meeting now. Or, should I say, “holiday party.”

– What? Did he just say “state-of-the-heart movies will always be around?” Shut up, Sid Dennis.

– Hello, Mickey Rooney! I wasn’t sure if you were still alive. Nice to see that you are.

– Salma Hayek looks beauuuuuutiful. That dress is fantastic. It seems like the theme this year is “Act like you’re classy,” but she doesn’t make it look like an act. Nice.

– Okay, there is the real Keira Knightley. I like her ever since I read an interview with her where she just came off as this total neurotic freak. Not that it got me to see any of her movies. Or kept me from thinking she was Rachel Weisz originally.

– So I’ve never heard of this “The Constant Gardener,” but I’m going to venture a guess and say it’s one of those movies where everyone in the movie is a minority, but the whole point of the movie is the one or two white actors who get to be important and save everyone and also get nominated for the awards.

– Which also reminds me of 90210.

– Why does Jessica Alba keep getting to do stuff?

– I think they made this whole dramatic clip montage just so Naomi Watts could feel less bad about being there when her ex and his baby momma are high focal points of the evening.

– Ha ha! Ha ha ha! A montage montage!

– They’re never letting Jon Stewart host the Oscars again, are they.

– Jessica Alba’s dress is like…it should be nice, and it looks like it was on the way to being so, but took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up looking like a bathingsuit with a really fancy sarong.

– Okay, I spent the afternoon watching horrible scripted “banter” in the form of MTV’s “Parental Control.” But like, THAT IS MTV. What is Lily Tomlin’s, Meryl Streep’s, and the freaking Academy’s excuse???

– Oh my God they’re still talking, and HEY! WRITERS! The word “peyote” is not in and of itself funny.

– I am so confused right now. Like seriously, I feel like I’m watching some entirely new show.

– HOLY CRAP! That was all for MORE CLIPS!!!

– I’m starting to remember why I haven’t watched the Oscars in six years.

– It’s weird seeing clips of Tim Robbins from before his eyes began the long day’s journey into the middle of his head.

– Hahaha, “Honorary Oscar.” That’s like the prize in high school for “Best Attitude.” Like, sorry you weren’t smart or talented or athletic enough to actually win anything real, but hey, we feel mad guilty since you keep failing, so here ya go!

– Oh hey, M. Night Shamalayan’s in an American Express commercial as himself! And it’s just like his movies! Only instead of tedium for 2 hours with a “twist” at the end, it’s just tedium for 30 seconds with no twist. Actually, I think I’d rather watch that commercial for two hours than ever sit through “The Village” again.

– “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp.” EXCELLENT. I really, really wish they would pan to the audience right now. I think the only two people who you’d see not looking confused right now are Sam Jackson and Kate Hudson. If she were there, I don’t think she is. But she’d have that big, vapid smile on and not look grim in the way that you know Emma Thompson would. If she were here. I really haven’t been paying attention to this crap in awhile.

– OMG! My girlfriend Queen Latifah is here! Yay!

– BTW, I’m not cheating on Lizzy Kaplan. It’s figurative speech, ya know.

– Jon Stewart looks like you do when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but you basically know that they suck, and the two of you are hanging out with people who are really funny and cool, and then you have to leave to go be with your SO, and it’s all disappointing. That’s how pissed he seems that the audience isn’t made up of the “Hard Out Here For A Pimp” people.

– You know, I’ve made up with Jennifer Garner since she broke Knoll’s (TM Maggie) heart, but it’s just so wrong that she gets to present at the Oscars while Keri Russell sinks further into obscurity.

– Aw. Pat Morita. Okay, I was going to complain about yet MORE clips, but this is always really sad, the dead people montage. Except for the part that many have pointed out, which is that it’s really really awkward that it’s kind of like a vote-by-applause popularity contest.

– But I’m still crying! I can’t help it! But to be fair, it started with watching “Walk the Line” before.

– Wow, was that intentional, what they just did? Where they held the dim light over the audience for an extended moment after the tribute? Like as if to say “You’re all gonna die, too”?!?! Because, seriously, how AWESOME would that be.

– Ew, I HATE when winners say “Don’t start the music.” Like the Oscars aren’t long enough without your extended Last Will and Testament.

– Hilary Swank forgot to wear a necklace.

– OMG that is Busy Phillips sitting with Michelle Williams! What a turvy-topsy world, with a “Freaks and Geeks” alumnus at the Oscars as a guest of a “Dawson’s Creek” alum. Well, Busy was on “Dawson’s Creek,” too. But you know what I mean.

– I’m honestly starting to believe that Judi Dench keeps taking the most random roles just to see if she keeps getting nominated for Academy Awards.

– I really want Reese to win, if for no other reason than to encourage her to keep making good movies.

– Yayyyyyy!!!!! Oh, and she looks so beautiful. I mean, SLIGHTLY like one of those dolls with the big skirts that disguise perfume bottles, but still.

– Oh no. Reese. REESE! Don’t pull a Hilary Swank! REESE! Thank Ryan!

– Oh, thank goodness.

– Awwwww, I love this speech! You know, I didn’t see “Walk the Line” until today, but I’d read that June Carter’s kids thought that Reese Witherspoon portrayed Carter as shrewish, but I didn’t get that at all. I thought her performance was beautiful and subtle, and full of that inner struggle for truth and self respect, like Reese just said in her speech. So good for her for speaking so articulately about June Carter in what must be an incredibly emotional and nervewracking moment.

– Way to not pan to Felicity Huffman right after she loses Best Actress and Jon Stewart jokes about “Desperate Housewives.”

– Wait, what, Dustin Hoffman?

– The chick who’s accepting the “Brokeback Mountain” screenplay award totally seems like she accidentally wandered in from an Aaron Spelling nighttime drama.

– Okay, WHY is no one wearing a necklace tonight?

– Hee, I think now Laura Linney just makes movies where she gets to dye her hair drab colors and look wan.

– Sandra Bullock appears to be doing her best Paula Abdul impersonation tonight.

– Well, that was creepy. Matt Dillon just stared directly into the camera for like 20 minutes.

ETA that nothing else interesting happened, Ang Lee won, “Crash” won, yada yada, good night!

© March 6, 2006