First things first. This is not Wentworth Miller:

See, I was so confused re-watching “She Fought Alone,” because this whole time I was thinking that the dude who plays Jace was from a “Buffy” episode. I just couldn’t figure out which one. Wentworth Miller actually was on “Buffy” (Season 2, “Go Fish”), and I thought he was in that movie where he and Holly Marie Combs kill Cassidy Rae, “b/c she’s so pretty and stuff” ~ Krysi.

Turns out, Wentworth Miller was not in that movie (“Navy NCIs”), but rather, David Lipper was. And he was also in “She Fought Alone,” sporting a specific kind of curly hair that lets us know right away he’s a douche. David Lipper was not, however, on “Buffy.” That was Wentworth Miller. This confusion blew my mind last night, big time. Like the time I thought Keira Knightley and Rachel Weisz were the same person.

Just wanted to clear up any confusion. Speaking of which, y’all should know that obviously, rape isn’t funny. However, when judging Lifetime (including non-Lifetime stuff that airs on Lifetime) movies, the rules are completely different than they are for real movies. Statistically speaking, the more horrible the subject matter, the more gloriously cheesy the Lifetime movie. Conversely, the ones with positive stuff going on suck, big time. Pregnancy movies are surprisingly bad, because most of the movie is spent being all reflective about life, choices, and becoming a better person.

Other good rules of thumb: avoid anything beginning with “Danielle Steele” or starring Susan Lucci. Those movies rarely go well. Your best bet in picking a Lifetime movie is to stick with youth. College is okay; sororities are a plus. If they’re any older, they’d better be doing drugs and/or living off the streets like Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Budget Natalie Portman.

Speaking of three-named ’90s TV stars, “She Fought Alone” majorly scored with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. She was with co-star Brian Austin Green in real life at the time, so Brian Austin Green used his “90210” clout to get his girlfriend roles, but then everyone realized that Tiffani-Amber was a better actor. Then they broke up and instead of changing their last names like Meredith Baxter-SometimesBirney, these guys dropped their middle names.

Regarding Meredith Baxter-SometimesBirney, she does some primo work on Lifetime, but tread carefully, because she is often very sad, and it can take its toll. Plus she played the same role in two different Lifetime movies, which is a little confusing, like if Alyssa Milano starred in the Drew Barrymore version of the Amy Fisher story, as well.

So “She Fought Alone” is about Tiffani-Amber Thiessen being popular for awhile. It’s nice that she doesn’t look out of place in high school despite being 37 at the time, because everyone else in the school is 50. And her new friends include Evie from “Out of this World,” looking sharp (literally) as always. Brian Austin Green is Tiffani-Amber’s boyfriend. I think.

For awhile, all is well with the world. Tiffani-Amber makes some douchebag popular friends known as “The Crew.” I’ll just let you think about that for a bit. In other news, 1995 was a great time for curvy-girl fashion. Raise your hand if you miss sundresses with cowboy boots!

Unfortunately, Tiffani-Amber’s life takes a dramatic turn when she is raped by NotWentworth and his mop o’ curls. That would be bad enough, but to add insult to injury, no one believes her, including Brian Austin Green! And meanwhile her mom is busy emoting all over the place while wearing red lipstick.

So everyone calls Tiffani-Amber a slut, and she cries a lot, but then things start to get really awesome. The Crew tricks her, and seriously, why don’t people learn lessons from TV and the movies? If you are shunned by your friends, and all of a sudden they are nice to you and want to bring you to a barn, you DON’T go. That’s just simple logic.

But I guess no one else wanted to be friends with Tiffani-Amber and her soccer-mom haircut, so she has to go to the barn. At which point, everyone comes out of nowhere and it’s like that scene in Lord of the Flies where they kill that delicate kid. In this case, they don’t kill Tiffani-Amber, but they do cut off her hair, and it is awesome.

Now that Tiffani-Amber is missing a whole like, two inches from her hair, she stops wearing so many sundresses and starts wearing a lot more button-down tank tops. And instead of smiling all the time, she does that thing where she puffs out her lips and opens her eyes really wide.

Meanwhile, the background music is FANTASTIC.

Then it gets pretty boring, as do most Lifetime movies around the 45-minute mark. The first 45 minutes are awesome, with all sorts of peril and pretty people acting badly. But then you have to somehow get to an Ending With Purpose, so you endure things like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen trying desperately to garner an expression or two from Brian Austin Green while she sues the school and don’t get me started on that one, all I will say is that the school did not send a bus to pick her dumb ass up to go to a barn with the same people who’d been making her life all awful.

So yeah, the movie’s pretty boring then, but Tiffani-Amber wins her case and it’s like yay, and NotWentworth is just a joy to watch in the courtroom, eyes bugging without abandon and his hair is busy working on its own thing, all bouncy atop his head.

Then the second-best part of the movie happens. No wait. Third best. Second best was them cutting off all her hair. But the third best part is that Evie has been mysteriously absent throughout all this. The kids in general are, and that is a big problem with most movies. Like “Annie.” Awesome value decreases big-time without the orphans.

So anyway, Tiffani-Amber’s all triumphant and I guess she is moving away and goes to say goodbye to her awesome BFF, Evie, who has never called her a slut or cut off her hair. Except that she totally did. But Tiffani-Amber is there, with narrower eyes and a smile on her face so you know all is well with her soul. Except, stunning revelation! Evie is pregnant! And guess who is the baby daddy? NotWentworth! So I guess Evie believed Tiffani-Amber all along? It’s kind of unclear. I think the second half of the movie was done during a writer’s strike Of Yore. It’s the only explanation.

The Best Scene not just in this movie, but possibly ever, now occurs. Tiffani-Amber drives out of the town, all happy that she is moving on with her life, unlike Evie whose turn it now is to be all depressed and not even get to wear button-down tank tops to cope.

And as Tiffani-Amber’s face moves from contemplative to peaceful, there is a montage going on and it is like Emily’s monologue from the end of Our Town, only instead of clocks ticking and Mama’s sunflowers, Tiffani-Amber’s nostalgic reflections start out pretty weird to begin with, with that one time she tried to explode the science lab, but then get downright ghoulish, as the montage goes from her like, laughing and happy, to running in the night, missing clothes and hair, away from her tormenters. Then back to happy again! And meanwhile, you see Tiffani-Amber CRACKING UP as she drives, and I’m not so sure what the funniest parts were. But it is all set to that one Blues Traveler song, so you get the message that no matter how often you fight alone, the heart will bring you back to the people who completely fucked up your life in the first place.

~ THE END ~

What is your favorite Lifetime movie? And what is your preferred incarnation of Tiffani-Amber Thiessen?