Many times, people will ask me about sports. Or they will try to engage me in conversations about sports. Or — and this is the worst offense of all — they will invite me over to ostensibly hang out together and just put on sports. The last one is the most heinous offense of them all, because sports games NEVER END. Now, don’t get me wrong! I have gotten into sports before, and I do desire to share things that are important to my theoretical loved ones. But don’t assume that I have any background information on the subject.

So for your convenience, I have compiled a list of everything I know about sports and/or how they have played a role in my life:

1. I was at a few of the ’86 World Series games and made cookies from scratch for each game.

2. Kevin Elster is pretty.

3. Mookie Wilson rules.

4. Keith Hernandez was on “Seinfeld.”

5. I was in love with Ron Darling.

6. Gary Carter is very nice, and I think he was the catcher?

7. I met Howard Johnson 3 times, twice at my school’s chapel because his daughter went there, and once when we had Saturday practice at one of the cheerleader’s houses. We practiced in her bitchin’ mirrored garage/workout room, then came in to take a break, and lo and behold, Howard Johnson was in her kitchen, chilling! He was very nice.

8. Although I cried when the Mets lost the ’88 playoffs, I was a bit mollified by the fact that Orel Hersheiser was a REALLY good pitcher.

9. My brother and I would ride our bikes to Stage every day in the summer of ’89 to buy baseball stickers.

10. Latrell Sprewell is insane, and kind of hot.

11. And was definitely on the Knicks, although I don’t know if he still is or not.

12. Ben Roethlisberger is from the Steelers and did something recently to piss off my friend Robin.

13. The Steelers won the Superbowl this year despite, I think, a curse of some nature?

14. Likewise, the Rangers won a Stanley Cup a couple of years ago, so Kris Breien can’t keep chanting “19! 40!” or he can, but it doesn’t pack the same punch.

15. There is a kid at the beginning of Debbie Gibson’s “Electric Youth” video who looks, as my brother pointed out, a lot like a young Pat LaFontaine.

16. Instant replays at the bar have caused at least two astonishingly airheaded displays on my part.

17. I told Sean I’d root for a team because he has their jersey and is a fan, and I am still totally going to root for them as soon as I am reminded as to who they are and what they do. Their name begins with a “B.”

18. Oh, in addition to Ben R.’s being on the Steelers and pissing off Robin, he is also a quarterback.

19. No one talks about soccer until the big important games (World Cup?), and then everyone pretends to have cared all along.

20. DARRRRRRYYYYYYLLLLLLLL!

21. I went to a bunch of Islanders games when my dad’s company had a skybox, but I was too young and stupid to appreciate the free alcohol.

22. I am not a Yankees fan for a few reasons, the biggest of which being that I like to feel needed, ya know? They don’t need me; they’re like Johnny Depp. Even though Johnny Depp would totally be into me if he got to know me. All the quizzes say so.

23. Luke from “Gilmore Girls” used to play baseball professionally. And he also guest starred on “Seinfeld!”

24. Harlem Globetrotters games are a lot of fun.

25. I could wear nothing but hockey jerseys for the rest of my life and be completely happy.

© August 14, 2006