Many times, people will ask me about sports. Or they will try to engage me in conversations about sports. Or — and this is the worst offense of all — they will invite me over to ostensibly hang out together and just put on sports. The last one is the most heinous offense of them all, because sports games NEVER END. Now, don’t get me wrong! I have gotten into sports before, and I do desire to share things that are important to my theoretical loved ones. But don’t assume that I have any background information on the subject.

So for your convenience, I have compiled a list of everything I know about sports and/or how they have played a role in my life:

1. I was at a few of the ’86 World Series games and made cookies from scratch for each game.

2. Kevin Elster is pretty.

3…