I Don’t Want To.

One of my favorite scenes ever is from “Felicity’s” “The List.” After a year of pining for Ben and finally getting to be with him, she realizes how much of herself she’s been compromising, just to not “freak him out.” So she tells him this:

I’m an emotional person. I feel things and, I need to be able to get upset and to talk about how I’m feeling. I mean that’s just-that’s who I am and, I can’t change it. I don’t want to. And the thing is, you knew that. You knew it and you still pursued me. Because, you want something with me – you’re just not strong enough to have it. Which, in a way makes you a coward.

She was right on all levels and just after this speech is when she went for her infamous haircut. Another moment of being like screw this, I like myself and if he/the world doesn’t, that’s fine.

Different parts of Felicity’s speech speak to my heart at different times. The one lately that’s been hitting hardest is how her voice breaks when she says that the saddest part is he’s going to wake up one day and realize what he lost.

And that it was going to be too late.

I am so imperfect. One could even call me a massive fuck up.

But when you get my heart, you get my heart. VERY few people do. It’s not just about romance. I care about my friendships and have been burned by them just as much as my romantic relationships. When I was in my early 20s, one of my best guy friends told me I tended to become bosom friends with women who were emotional vampires. I’ve been blessed with incredible girlfriends who definitely aren’t; but he wasn’t wrong and his words stuck with me.

I mean. Vampires are sexy! Tbh, I think I simply deep down like being sucked dry. I love the feeling of being important, desired. Necessary.

But then once they’re done, so am I, ‘cause: proverbial blood loss. Also when Felicity says that the saddest part is that Ben is going to wake up one day, realize what he’s lost, and it will be too late?

Yes. I am the same way. I’ll pour my heart, body, mind, and soul out for someone. They only get to reject it so many times; the. I’m just done and it doesn’t come back.

My life has taken so many wrong turns. I already was messed up when I was younger, but now in my 40s? Gah, to quote Bridget Jones, who is now young enough to be my daughter.

I feel like I have nothing to show for my life but fuck ups. Some days I exhibit more pluck and I’m not even really depressed today. But I wanted to talk.

Because that’s another thing. I really need to share my heart, my emotions, neuroses. To quote someone from last week, I am “a lot.”

And probably, I’m not going to stop being a lot.

But to the people willing to love me, the ones whom I love back, I will be the good “a lot” too. I know I’ve been selfish in the past and stingy with my time.

Now I’ve spent so much time feeling so very alone, and have better focus on what truly matters.

Like Felicity, I can’t change who I am. I just can’t. And I don’t want to.

Improve, fix my faults? Yes, always. I will die trying to do that. Never will I say “This is who I am so just deal with it” when it comes to my MANY personal flaws.

But maybe for the first time in my life, I’m going to look honestly at who I am and not just what’s wrong with me, but everything I have to give.

And then give it when the time is right. ❤️


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1 Response to I Don’t Want To.

  1. Michael Fortunato says:

    Wow – That was deep. We have more in common than I even realized. Like you said, you need to talk. You gotta vent. Otherwise it will eat you away from the inside out. The biggest problem is : WHO do you talk to? We can’t all afford therapy. You need to talk to someone who can relate, someone who knows how it feels, or they will not understand.
    I’ve been there, I’m still there. So many life problems, creating emotions, and they’re all suppressed. Intimidation is a thing of the past. If you’re not afraid to talk to me, I’m not afraid to talk to you…

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