Dead Bodies and Bloated Heads

Do you know how many times I’ve thought of dying?

Because there are so many.

The first time I ever truly thought about killing myself was in the bathroom of my parents’ house back in 1997. I was 22.

Then I thought about my still-so-little brother living upstairs. The person who’d given me any reason for living, in so many years. I thought about how in the rest of the world my death could be explained to the one remaining pure soul I knew.

It couldn’t, so I didn’t.

I’ve on and off wanted to take my own life so many times since then and especially these days. What everyone says is don’t! We care and your life is important!

I want that to be true. More than almost anything.

And/so I’m writing this now because I’m in a dark pit and maybe you are too. But/so maybe you can feel this and know that for whatever the fuck the reason or the light, we need to.

I’ll do it if you will.

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2 Responses to Dead Bodies and Bloated Heads

  1. Mike Fortunato says:

    Judi, we all have dark pits. God knows I have my own. But without the darkness, we would never recognize light. Although I’ve never considered suicide, I have been ‘troubled’ for a large part of my life. I have (and still do) had thoughts such as: “If I died tomorrow, who would cry at my funeral? Who would even attend?” When I moved to Florida, I never told anyone. It’s been over a year now and still nobody noticed. My own family doesn’t care about me. Whenever I’m in a dark pit, I stay optimistic by keeping my head filled w stupid little phrases like “You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it. – When God closes one door, He opens another. – Everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t know what it is. – Once you hit bottom, the only way you can go is up. – Nothing changes unless we make changes. – The best way to predict the future is to create it. – Everyday is a new beginning. – ‘Success is not final, Failure is not fatal, It is the courage to continue that matters’ (Winston Churchill)”… and several others.
    There are only a handful of people in your life who you will never forget. Your high school crush, your first kiss, your perfect match who was underage, when you fall in love but you miss your chance. People like those leave ‘a mark on your heart’. You see pictures of them, and it hurts.
    I haven’t seen you in over 10 yrs. You’re on the other side of the country, I’ll probably never see you again. But I couldn’t forget you if I tried. Judi, you left a mark on my heart…

  2. Anonymous says:

    Misery loves company

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