Billy walks into a jazz club with slicked-back hair and dances with a Marilyn-Monroe-esque chick but her dress is red not white. They speak in I think French accents and then we switch to see that this is actually Billy’s script that he’s writing on a computer in the kitchen. Allison waltzes in and judges Billy (drink!) for “burning the midnight oil.” She reminds him that he was supposed to pick up his cab an hour ago, while Billy excitedly hunts and pecks away, saying just a few more pages and he’ll be done. Allison asks whatever happened to writing a novel, and Billy implies that he’s Selling Out.

Billy says “Latah, doll,” as Allison leaves the apartment and runs into Michael, who is cleaning the pool while Jane is like grabbing him from behind and rubbing all up on him while Michael acts WAY more pleased than I’d personally enjoy seeing from others on my way to work. They talk about their sexy evening planned for later and start making out fiercely and won’t even go inside their apartment; she just kind of slams him against the door while they talk about hot dogs and watching “Ghost,” in between kisses.

Oh new scene, thank God. Well…maybe. Amy Locane bounces down the steps to the basement laundry room, wearing a super-cute, orangey halter dress with white embroidery. And lo and behold, but Jake is there too! We get the requisite scene from every show ever, where the single guy doesn’t know how to separate his laundry. She stalkily asks who the new lucky girl is, since the only time he washes his sheets is after he’s been with someone new. She gets jealous of Kelly, but he sets the record straight that “nothing’s happened and nothing’s gonna happen.” He says that “Tonight, at dinner, I’m gonna lay it on the line.” Once again, Sandy acts like Jake’s leading her on, when really I don’t get that at all. It seems like they (Jake and Sandy) dated and yeah she got dumped, but I don’t think he’s really indicated based on anything we’ve seen that he’s even trying to hook up with Sandy again, never mind date her.

The GAP, where we get yet another scene of Kelly’s friends telling her she’s being ridiculous. The entire scene is pale blue and white, and Steve wears sunglasses inside the store.

Michael’s cancelling his and Jane’s sexy date! He calls her and she gets all >:o as he blames work. Even if I didn’t know Michael Mancini’s legacy already, it’s pretty obvious that he’s lying as he gives not only way too many details as to why he’s “on call,” but downright bizarre ones that make it sound like he’s not just lying, put possibly tripping. Meanwhile, I know that we’ve made a great deal of technological advances since the early ‘90s, but would an important surgeon in a hospital need to use a pay phone?

D&D Advertising, with Allison at the reception desk and a plum shade of carpeting on the floor that I’m really digging. Billy shows up to interrupt Allison at work to show her the first 20 pages of his screenplay, which is called The Big Shock. She congratulates him, but looks increasingly dismayed upon finding out that she’s the first person who’s looking at this, and he needs her to read it by tonight, as tomorrow, he’s “dropping it off at every agent’s desk in town.” Allison says she has to work late and he ignores her, saying “I feel like a real writer now. Feels good.”

Melrose Place. Sandy leaves for work as Jane gets out of the pool. She’s bummed for Jane that Michael cancelled their date. They sit on lounge chairs together, and Jane’s bathing suit is really cool — a muted-teal-and-purple one piece with black stripes and polka dots. Sandy tells Jane that she should come to Shooters that night. It starts as a sweet invitation, then becomes increasingly hostile, as she dares Jane to come and prove she’s “not a prisoner of that wedding band.” Jane shoos her away. Sandy bends over and says “I double-dogggg dare ya.” Like that changes everything.

Jane shows up at Michael’s work. She’s holding a cardboard box with three burning candles in it, which can’t be safe, and what looks like some kind of pastry and…two cups of soup? Michael and his coworkers look all awkward, while poor Jane just stands their holding her fire hazard, until finally the others leave.

Oh, it’s not a pastry but I guess those hot dogs they talked about before (it’s some kind of anniversary, though I can’t bear to rewind and find out what kind). Maybe those containers are beans or something. For some reason, the food on Aaron Spelling shows is often so confusing, like I NEVER know what’s going on at the Walshes’ dinner table unless Brandon’s making his “Dim Sum and Den Sum” joke. Anyway, Michael of course gets beeped, so it’s sad, but on the plus side, we finally get answers — the cups hold chili in one, cheese and onions or possibly sauerkraut in the other. And there’s a tape player inside the box.

Michael starts stammering about how it’s “showtime” for the biopsy, as he fumbles with his purple stethoscope and in general acts like someone who’s forgotten his lines in a play and is doing his best to get back on track, only this is a television show. He tells Jane to go out with her friends and have fun. She blows out the candles that have not dripped even a tiny bit of wax.

Shooters. Jane and Rhonda hang out, as across the way, they and Sandy who has the most free time of any busy club waitress I’ve ever seen, eye that guy from “LOST” whose name I forget atm. Sandy is still weirdly over invested in Jane’s sex life and encourages her to flirt with “LOST” guy’s friend. Jane takes off her wedding ring and puts it in her pocket, as “LOST” guy and his friend come over to their table.

Melrose Place. Allison gets home while Matt comes out of his apartment dressed like Jerry Seinfeld. He invites her to a party he’s going to with “wild times…wild people,” and I don’t know how wild you can get in a sports jacket, but he’s really trying to sell it, so I’m trying to believe. But Allison’s all grumble grumble I’m tired and I feel her, but seriously I do not remember Allison being such a constant pill. But it also turns out she has a reason here, as Billy’s screenplay is terrible, and she doesn’t know what to do. Because Billy is clearly insane, and has gone off to turn in his cab. So does she hurt his feelings, or encourage him to chase his dream while he sinks into poverty? Matt kisses her on the cheek and is like, “Okay but seriously, now you’re bumming out my party spirit,” and leaves, but not before he suggests making Billy dinner to soften the blow.

Shooters. Weird and uncomfortable scene of Jane and Rhonda and the two dudes flirting.

Billy walks into his apartment and goes “Luuuucy, I’m hooooome!” Allison tells him she’s making “tuna casserole for two,” which, do people say that? He thinks this means she wants to congratulate him, and he picks her up and spins her around. She stalls by saying that the pasta’s boiling over.

Jake and Kelly at the supermarket, so clearly we’re in for something really special. Sure enough, it’s one of those “Jake has more pride than money” scenes, so Kelly puts back a humongous container of cookie dough ice cream.

Sighhhh. Shooters. Jane and Rhonda play pool with their dudes, and Rhonda’s upset when Jane wants to go home instead of to another club with the dudes.

Billy goes on about his screenplay as he and Allison eat dinner. Their table looks like it would be in Luke’s Diner. Finally, Allison tells the truth and it is HILARIOUS:

Allison: I hated it.

Billy: What did you hate about it?

Allison: Everything.

Which made me LOL, because HARSH, but then it gets even better when Billy gets really pissed off in the manner of Bobby Brady. He calls her casserole lousy. She says, “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.” Billy snarls, “Fine. I WILL,” and leaves the apartment. In other news, Allison’s shirt color matches Billy’s now-empty chair.

Jane dances with that guy at a new club and gets uncomfortable when he gets too grabby. So naturally, he starts quoting Percy Shelley at her. We find out that Jane minored in Romantic Lit. He goes to kiss her and she rebuffs him. She tells him that she’s married. He says he doesn’t see a ring (just when I thought I could make a whole day without “Frozen” in my head!), and she’s like, “Oh it’s right here in my jacket pocket that’s casually flung over the couch,” until she realizes it’s gone 😮 Just like Kelly Taylor does in the future, only with Brandon’s engagement ring.

Jake slices onions while Kelly tries to seduce him and he resists, then gets a phone call, which he responds to cryptically.

Shooters. Billy mopes at the bar while…eating a Mounds bar. Allison shows up and sits next to him. She says she had to be honest with him. He says he was so proud to finally complete something, then brings up his daddy issues. She says that sometimes it takes awhile to get where you want to go. Yada yada yada, believe in yourself.

Kelly turns off the lights in Jake’s apartment and tries to seduce him on the couch. They have yet another conversation about how wrong he is for her, but how she understands him. She starts to kiss him, but there’s a knock on the door and it’s some chick with ‘80s-video hair. It’s made pretty obvious that she was on the cryptic phone call from before, but that it wasn’t about a date, but a ploy to make Jake seem like a player. This chick is all “Didn’t we have a date?” and Kelly’s all 😮 Chick who’s name is “Marg” leaves while he follows her and they confirm my suspicions about the ruse!

Kelly cries in the living room. He gives her the Tough Sell, and says that he feels nothing for her. She says she has to leave but “For what it’s worth? I loved you.” After she shuts the door, Jake looks all sad and conflicted.

Jane crawls around on the floor, looking for her ring. Peter (the dude she was flirting with) asks why she did it, and she gives a long speech while making me really scared that she’s going to cut her leg on some broken glass, as she doesn’t just crawl around, but drags herself around.

Melrose Place. Rhonda makes out with the guy from “LOST,” then they all part ways. Rhonda says they’ll call the club tomorrow to check on the ring, and Jane talks like Dorothy, saying everything she wanted was here all along.

Jane walks inside her apartment to find an open bottle of Scotch and Michael acting accusatory. She confesses that she went to Shooters and starts to say more, but he shushes her and they make out while walking into their bedroom, where he’s lit candles and prepared hot dogs (so to speak).

Allison comes out of the apartment to find Billy burning his screenplay in the barbecue. He says he’s not giving up though, that next time he’ll write about his real experiences. Then he compliments her tuna casserole.

Oh geez. Jake and Sandy play pool at Shooters. She says that he did the right thing by dumping Kelly. He says Kelly was the only person who ever made him feel good about himself. Sandy stalks off, butthurt. But lo, if it isn’t a good turn of events! As someone taking out the trash finds Jane’s ring!

Jane and Michael have post-coital time. She starts telling him that something happened, but is interrupted by a knock at the door. It’s Sandy with ring! Jane is very happy — crisis averted! Until Michael shows up at the door! Jane looks terrified! Sandy covers for her, saying that she found it in the laundry room.

ANOTHER Jake/Sandy scene, as he drinks coffee outside his apartment and they bond over developing hearts and being late bloomers. Then they go to their separate places, but not before exchanging a Meaningful Look.

~ THE END ~