Closer to Free

Posted on May 7, 2013 by judisunshine

I was talking with my friend Jen at work the other day, and “Party of Five” came up. As it does. She was saying, “I think that was my first…” and couldn’t find the words but then did, and as it turns out, we both have very similar television histories, which makes sense that we have so much TV love in common now!

For all of my endless lists and words about television, I’ve written very little about “Party of Five,” yet that was my First Show, aside from sitcoms and “Degrassi.” It was when I knew even at 19, that the television landscape was changing for the better. Po5 begat the entire CW, basically. “My So-Called Life” was also airing at the same time but much to my and Hurl’s chagrin, I did not watch it at the time. In sociological retrospect, I think those two shows actually worked in tandem to lead in a huge wave of shows about teenage angst. Which as y’all know, is my favorite genre.

Anyway. I remember watching “Party of Five” in the spare room of my parents’ house. The room was on the third floor, and full of mysteries and coziness. It’s always exotic to shack up in a room that’s not your bedroom, when you’re young. And get this, I watched it on a teeny black and white TV! I knew I officially realized that I loved “Party of Five” when I actually battled the rabbit ears to get my show to come in, week after week.

Basically, “Party of Five” is the first show that I actually fell in love with. Yeah, I slept around with shows, and let us all bow our heads to “Just the Ten of Us,” but “Party of Five” was the first show where I felt like, whoa. I cared about those people. I thought about them when they weren’t around. Most of all, it was the first show that really made me think.

In one particular ep, Kirsten whom I loved (“Kirsten, you’re…here!” TM Dave), was talking to – I forget, actually. One of The Five, but not Charlie her boyfriend. She was being all maternal with Charlie’s kids he inherited out of the blue. And one of those kids was asking her what religion she was.

Kirsten gently explained that she was agnostic. I think the kid she was talking to was searching for hope, in the wake of the loss of the parents. That death didn’t mean an eternal separation. And Kirsten said that she didn’t know, follow a religion, have any answers. But that she believed in an overriding power that was good, and benevolent.

That there was hope, beyond this Earth.

I remember telling my boyfriend at the time, who was a Pentecostal Christian like me, how I really liked this show because it was so open-minded. He replied, albeit also gently, that maybe it was too open-minded.

I think it was then that I started questioning why Christians are taught to close their minds. I know that it’s to not let the devil in, but I also know that I spent my teenage years sheltered, shunning the world, and when I was forced to leave the loved cocoon of my Christian school, it was terrifying. Josh and I are (fittingly) rewatching “The O.C.,” and basically when I went to college, I felt like Marissa Cooper at Newport Union.

So I was looking for answers. “Party of Five” is the predecessor to my television obsession, because it was the first show that made me feel like South Shore Christian School did – safe. Cozy.

And constantly questioning authority, and the world at large. Maybe it was too open-minded. Maybe if I’d never been ushered into shows like this, I’d be much happier now. Married with kids, and full of faith. Which is all I ever actually wanted from this life.

But it’s not my life. And now I’m kind of agnostic. But I still hang onto the mustard seed. Yesterday I met someone at Josh’s work party who’d had some hard times, but lit up when he said he started going to church. He wasn’t young and he wasn’t dumb. I definitely disagree with the sentiment that believing in God is anti-intellectual.

But I will never regret having the experience in my parents’ third-floor room, where on a tiny TV, “Party of Five” opened my mind, and changed my life forever.

Posted in Childhood, Entertainment, Miscellaneous, Supernatural :o, TV, Women | Tagged , , , , | 11 Comments

The Finish Line

Posted on April 26, 2013 by judisunshine

In 2004, after the ex left, one big thing that kept me going and even got me excited (owww!) was “Survivor: All Stars.” Not only had one of my favorite shows returned, but damn if Rob Mariano wasn’t a total rock star. He was like a villain, but/therefore my hero. Slicing and dicing the competition, tearing up the challenges like it was nothing. But what impressed me the most was his ownership of the fact that this was a game that required lying and manipulating, if you want to get to the end. He at one point had an “alliance” with every player in the game for Final Two! But the person he chose to align with for real was Amber Brkich. He didn’t lie to her, and they played together. Back to back, like Wolverine and Liev Schreiber.

Obviously I decided it was time to try and get on “Survivor.” I was inspired. Thing was, I knew I could handle starving, eating disgusting stuff, and all the other awfulness that comes with the territory. But I didn’t know if I could strategize. I hate lying, but knew full well that was a huge part of the game.

So when I got a random invitation from a stranger on AIM to play an online game of “Survivor,” I was in. Strategy could be learned before I had to starve and get eaten by bugs!

The first night, our tribe met in a chat room, and right away, I met a guy named Adam who was awesome. He lived in Nebraska and was mad cool and really smart. And unlike the flashy dude in our tribe who (I’ll call him Joe) was making a strong but obvious alliance, Adam knew how to play the game. As, it was turning out to my pleasant surprise, did I. We quickly were like, “I’ve got a good vibe about you,” and decided to try to win this!

I didn’t really care about first place so much. I cared about getting to Final Two, because that was the most complete game experience (this was pre-Final Three, a “Survivor” decision with which I humbly do not agree). And I knew I wanted to have one person I liked, and trusted not just to not backstab me, but also to play strategically, and just be good company in a game where you can’t really trust anyone. Reality News Online has a set of rules to play the game that I followed to the letter, except that you’re supposed to take the person to Final Two that you have the best chance of beating. I decided that a) I didn’t want to lie to Adam, and b) figuring out how to backstab Adam in order to take a weaker player to Final Two was a moot point if I never got there. Lex’s advice in the Santa Cruz Sentinel stuck with me, beef with Rob notwithstanding.

And the only way I could make it there was to have one person in the game that I would never lie to, that I would play with, not against. If we got to three and I won the immunity challenge, I would still take him, even though that might be me asking for second place, and earning a spot in the RNO Hall of Shame.

I was majorly inspired by Rob Mariano’s game play. I loved his balls-out approach and aggressiveness, and told Adam I had no problem drawing the fire (a la Faith in “Revelations”) and being the bad cop in order to help us get to Final Two. The power alliance had numbers, and the leader of that alliance, Joe, asked me to join. So I said yes, because you don’t ever refuse an alliance, and this way I could be a mole! I made a real alliance outside of that one, and waited for the right time to turn on the fake one, knowing that if Adam sold me out, I was screwed and gone.

He (Adam) didn’t. When the tribes got shuffled, Adam was in a minority among the power alliance, and Joe (also shuffled to Adam’s trib) did not like him. Intuition or pettiness I don’t know, but when Joe came to me and said they were voting Adam out, I was not down, and had to convince Joe that Adam was too strong, and we needed him to be a fifth down the line, and to sit tight and vote out someone not from our original tribe.

While I worked for Adam, he was working for me. I was in the minority on my new tribe, and he was friendly with his new tribe’s leader whom I’ll call Mike. Adam worked with Mike to keep me. It wasn’t hard to do, as Mike totally thought I was a sweet girl in need of protection, and he seemed like a person who thinks the bigger the boobs, the lower the IQ. Perfect, my bread and butter. He protected me from the vote, and there were talks to bring Adam and me into his alliance when we all merged.

So when we did merge, Adam and I voted him out! It was glorious. By that point, he’d revealed himself to be cocky and controlling with a zesty dash of misogyny thrown in, so we blindsided him. He was SO MAD. It was awesome. And showed he didn’t really get the game. You can’t treat people like property and assume they are there to support your own game. Fatal “Survivor” mistake!

Once the leader was gone and we had the numbers, Adam and I voted out everyone not in our real or my fake alliance. This is where I knew things would get ugly. But bottom line is, it was either Joe, the leader of my fake alliance, or Adam. Even if I weren’t loyal to Adam, I knew I was a fourth at best in my fake alliance. It never ceases to amaze me, how many people expect someone to be happy with being fourth or fifth, and just accept it and bow down to the majesty of the king and his court. The Rotu Four debacle was 11 years ago!

And yet.

So we voted Joe out, and slowly but surely, creeped to the finish line. People got pissed and butthurt, and one lady blocked me from AIM after getting voted out despite the fact that she was from an opposing tribe that, had they played a better game, would have voted me out as well.

No vote was really hard for me until we were at four. I liked the two guys besides Adam very much. One I knew for sure could beat me at two because the jury was mostly his alliance, but I cared about him and felt bad voting him out at four.

But there is no TIME for sad feelings in “Survivor!” Good thing I had made a promise to Adam. We stuck with the plan and got to three. Our main goal was to make sure the third guy didn’t win, rather than to compete with each other.

I lost the challenge. Good in a way, because now I didn’t have to vote out the third guy anyway. Bad because my fate was out of my hands now.

But Adam’s and my alliance was so strong that he took me, even though he had a better chance to beat the other guy than me. I was happy that I never once considered dropping our alliance, that my step of faith had fallen on such solid ground.

In the end, much to my true shock, I won the game. I thought more people would be too mad at me for voting them out since Adam and I had done the good cop/bad cop routine. But people seemed to respect that I played so obnoxiously and that if we’d become friends online, it was because we met playing a game about backstabbing each other, and you can’t really get mad if you get taken out first without being a hypocrite. Two people who did not vote for me to win? Joe and Mike. It was amazing. Mike managed to simultaneously think his ouster was my fault, yet he said Adam did all the work in the game. Heh.

But the bottom line is, I would never have won, or probably even made final four, never mind two, if I hadn’t played the game with Adam. We helped each other, realizing in a game that could only have one winner, we might as well team up and work together to get to the end.

Meanwhile over on real “Survivor,” Rob and Amber did get to Final Two together, but too many people felt betrayed by Rob, and Amber won, but then they got married so it was literally win-win!

This past season on “Survivor,” J.T. and Stephen pulled off some incredible work together, and were both vocal about playing to get each other to the end. There could only be one winner, but until then, they were a unit.

I was proud to have won my online game, but would seriously have taken just as much from that experience if Adam beat me in a unanimous vote. During a time when I was really having trouble believing that two people could stick together and be loyal in any way, I got to watch an incredibly dynamic couple form before my eyes on national television, kick ALL kinds of ass, and march their way to the finish line — together. That gave me hope, and it taught me a lot about balancing levels of trust. And a real model on how to recognize the people who want you to fall in line out of loyalty, but would vote you out if it served their purposes. In the game, and in life. Adam’s and my relationship was strictly platonic and businesslike, so we did not get married on the Internet like Rob and Amber did on a CBS special, but our alliance, that whole experience, gave me joy that kept me going until times got better. And mostly it showed me that I don’t need to focus on and control everything around me to do well. I just need to play with someone I like.

Posted in Miscellaneous, TV | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Airplanes

Posted on April 22, 2013 by judisunshine

I grew up where throwing rocks in canyons is not allowed

I grew up where growing up makes me awkward and proud

I grew up where it was a difficult drive to the airport

And I hope you have a good ride

‘Cause my mother, you know, she doesn’t like to fly

~ Lisa Loeb

I’ve been on airplanes since I was a baby. The Southeast states had been checked off my bucket list since before I could formulate sentences.

See, my grandfather on my dad’s side was a meteorologist for American Airplanes, so for my entire childhood, flying was not a deep drain on my parents’ finances, because we got insanely cheap tickets, so long as we were cool with flying standby. Also, my dad always said, and I agreed with him: why get an expensive car or a fancy house, if you could put that money into travel?

So I spent my childhood exploring 43 of the 50 states, and it was amazing. But my point today is about the flight aspect. I loved flying, when I was little. One of my favorite memories is the time I was on a particularly empty and big plane, and “Two of a Kind” was the movie du jour. I was eight, crawling all around the plane, getting to know the different spaces. It felt magical.

Most times as a kid, there wasn’t the option to crawl around the plane, but my parents always gave me the window seat when they could. I loved watching the ground get more distant and the cars turn into ants, as we went up into the clouds, until even the clouds were a distant memory, because now everything was simply blue.

I’m not sure when I developed an extreme fear of flying, the experience I loved so much as a kid, but it happened in my twenties. It would make sense if it happened after the long flight home from Rome after my family’s cruise in 2001, two weeks before September 11th, but that wasn’t it, either. Because on said cruise, you know how you sit with random people every night for dinner? One awesome guy at our table talked about how he flew for business all the time, and hated it.

So do I, awesome man, I thought at the time.

He said that he’d take a Benadryl and sip a glass of red wine until he passed out.

Solid plan, awesome man, I thought. And I followed it, on the long plane ride home from Rome.

So it wasn’t that trip that instilled my fear of flying. It wasn’t “LOST,” because that was years later. “Cast Away” may or may not have fed into the fear, but I don’t think that’s it either.

I think my fear of flying simply tied into my fear of life. My fear of post-highschool, post-college, post-track that’s supposed to take you where you’re meant to be.

And then, there were the nightmares of ’08. After 9/11, after “LOST” or at least the first, plane-crash-heavy season. There was nary a night that passed where I didn’t feel my body exploding on a plane. Every time, I was filled with regret, because I’d known better than to get on a plane to begin with.

And fear feeds on itself. My fear of flying developed into a full-on phobia. Xanax helped me on my flight back home after visiting my family in Colorado in ’09 because Xanax makes everything better, but then Xanax made me crazy because everything should not be better, all the time, and the withdrawal from it made me borderline suicidal. <<< Insert Big Pharma versus weed rant here.

For a year, I knew that my cousin was getting married in upstate New York. I got a beautiful Save the Date, and I wanted to – save that date. I’ve been applying to work in my field since I moved to Colorado, and since I’d lined up two interviews within the month, I neglected mailing back the RSVP to the official invitation, because I knew I wouldn’t have the money, without a solid desk job.

Then I was on the phone with my mother, and she mentioned going to Sammy’s wedding.

“You’re going? I’m SO JEALOUS!” I said, and then my mother offered to fly me out there and be my date to the wedding.

Fly me out there.

I’d been so consumed by monetary issues, that the plane aspect didn’t hit me till then. Still, I wanted to go to my cousin’s wedding – see her get married, see my family. See my friends. The plane to New York meant seeing most of the people that I’ve ever loved in my life, because my mother planned to stay on Long Island a night or two, as well.

But man, was I skurred to the extreme. I hadn’t been on a plane for years, yet I still had the nightmares. By that time, not every night. But recurringly, and it was never not-terrifying.

I honestly don’t even really remember the first couple of flights with my mother, during that trip. Up to the day before, I had panic attacks and told Josh: “I can’t do it. I can’t go. Something terrible is going to happen to my plane. I just know this, in my gut.”

“Paranoia will destroy ya.” ~ Rupert

So I went anyway. Mostly, I passed myself out with Nyquil. There was the flight to JFK – passed out. There was, after an amazing whirlwind of New York days, a flight to Baltimore.

At which point, we had a bit of time, and after walking up and down the food area of the pretty-awesome airport, my mother was totally psyched to get wine, so we returned to the nicest place in the airport. It had a beautiful view; Moms and I got Chardonnay – things were nice. I even ate some crab cake, which I never eat anymore. It just felt right, in that moment. My mother and I had had a bitchy fight earlier that day, and both of us regretted it pretty instantly, and what better way to exude that sentiment than over white wine and crab cakes during a layover?

It was awesome. I only had a glass, so was not drunk, just nice.

I didn’t take Nyquil before that flight. When my mother and I boarded that plane, I felt okay.

“When I’m with you, I feel like I could die, and that would be all right.” ~ Third Eye Blind

I felt like that. Psyched to get back home to Josh, Manitou, and Colorado overall, but okay. I’d had the day with my mother like I’d been missing since she moved away in 2008.

Which makes sense, timewise.

That day, there was no jumbo-jet gracing me with Olivia Newton-John’s presence. There wasn’t even my dad and brother on that plane. Just my mom.

Who still gave me the window seat. And unlike the past couple of flights, I watched this time. As the world moved up, up, and away. My heart didn’t run into a panic attack, this time. I just watched. As the cars turned into ants as we went up into the clouds, until even the clouds were a distant memory, because now everything was simply blue.

“And that’s how I choose to remember it.” ~ Jenny

Posted in Childhood, Dreams, Driving & Other Transportation, Family, Miscellaneous, Restaurants, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A Candle

Posted on April 15, 2013 by judisunshine

When I was young, there was pretty much no place I loved quite as much as Lake George, New York.

I grew up pretty poor. To be fair, my parents were living the American Dream while it still existed, and there was always that hope, that one day, I would not be steeped in poverty, by extension. My dad was in law school; my mother had insane computer skills; it was all good.

So there was that. And there was also my mom’s parents’ amazing summer home. They’d give it to any and every one of their six kids, to use as a vacation place. I don’t know where my grandparents used to go in the summer while they still lived in New York, but they went…there. And left behind an immaculately clean cabin-y place, full of squash, whimsical refrigerator quotes, and Freihofer’s cookies that rock Entenmann’s out of the park.

While I loved the weeks that my family got the Lake George place, my favorite times there were the ones that had my grandparents staying there, as well. Hence, aforementioned squash.

In September 1987, the summer season had ended, and it was unusual for my family to be there. Not sure if this was during the time when my grandparents would migrate like birds to Florida, but it was definitely off season. People in the town had cleared out; that one ice-cream place was never open, and my Pop-Pop had put away his boat & gear for the winter.

Yet my mother, Robb, and I were there, because my dad was on a business trip literally across the lake.

It was only a few months ago that my mother lost the plane tickets to get back home from our Washington/Oregon vacation, and we accidentally ended up in San Francisco, which was awesome. A lone experience, that introduced me to an amazing city.

I wore the San Francisco sweatshirt I got there, when I was in Lake George during that random time. It was weird to be wearing a sweatshirt at a place that I associated with Miracle Whip and bathing suuts.

So things were autumn-y, and things were cozy, even with my grandparents at the helm of a place that I associated with other authority, including my own. Honestly, “this day by the lake went too fast,” and I wanted to stay there forever, with my Nanny and my Pop-Pop, and the Miracle Whip, and the squash.

There was one night, during aforementioned time, when we were all just chilling. It was cold outside, and time to watch TV. My grandparents’ Lake George TV was approximately 13 inches, and its rabbit ears relied on the world at large.

One night, the signal allowed the magic of “Who’s the Boss.” For all who haven’t been keeping score at home, backstory: I had the most major girl crush on Alyssa Milano/Samantha Micelli. I thought she was perfect; the guy I had a huge crush on felt the same. It was 1987.

So my grandparents, mother, and brother coddled my love for “Who’s the Boss,” and we watched it on the little TV.

During the ep, I conveyed to Nanny and Pop-Pop, that this was the deal for 12-year-olds in 1987. Alyssa Milano was an ultimate goddess.

My grandfather, who was so not about the flashy compliments, settled back into his chair. Pop-Pop watched “Who’s the Boss” and said to me in his Kentucky drawl:

“Judith, she doesn’t hold a candle to you.”

And I believed then, and I believe now, that he meant it.

And that meant everything, to me.

Pre-home perm, pre-zits, pre-all of the bullcrap that saddles most adolescent girls, I had the most amazing man – the one who did Pike’s Peak marathon – tell me that I was prettier than Alyssa Milano.

And I will never forget that moment.

 

Posted in Body Image, Celebrities, Childhood, Entertainment, Family, Miscellaneous, TV, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 23: Devil In the Flesh :o

Posted on April 9, 2013 by judisunshine

The other morning, I had off, could not sleep, and decided to watch some TV. Only there wasn’t anything on that I wanted to watch, so I wandered through the On Demand channel. The last time I’d checked LMN free movies on demand, I was struck by the gloriousness of such an option, but there wasn’t anything that I really wanted to watch, much less ICMN. However, this day was different, for guess what was “NEW!” but “Devil In the Flesh.” Several years ago, this came on Lifetime when I was alone in my Levittown apartment, and I was immediately hooked. Though this movie was not originally a Lifetime movie, it has pretty much everything one can hope for in a film that airs on that channel – high school, over-the-top shenanigans, and one of my favorite actresses, Rose McGowan. I adore that woman. She doesn’t usually do the most serious stuff, and IMO, that makes her cooler, because she plays the unapologetic vixen with aplomb. If another actress were cast in the lead…well, I’d likely still watch it, but can’t imagine it being as enjoyable. So with no further adieu:

Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 23: Devil In the Flesh

null
This movie opens with 27 hours of Rose, staring into the distance, until we see that she is looking at a fire.

With that out of the way, here is the requisite pair of detectives. Their thing is that they quiz each other on words, both spelling and definition. They are joined by a blonde cop in shades, who speculates that the fire may have been arson. A knife is found in the rubble of the fire.

Rose is driven in a car by the child-services lady, who is taking Rose to live with her grandma. Rose said that her mom hated Grandma, and CSL looks concerned.

Cut to a televangelist talking about how Satan is behind sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. Grandma is watching it, then answers the door to greet CSL and Rose. Long story short, Grandma is basically Carrie’s mom in Carrie.

Rose goes upstairs to her bedroom in a shot that looks like “Anne of Green Gables.” She makes a thousand different faces and looks at her room, which was her mom’s old bedroom. Then she goes downstairs and asks Grandma if she can go shopping. But no! She can wear her mom’s old clothes. Rose says I can’t wear those! And is told that as long as she is in Grandma’s house, she will wear what she is told to wear!

Cut to Rose sleeping in the dark. Grandma wakes her up to clean the attic. “Idle hands do the devil’s work!” So Rose dicks around in the attic for a little while and finds a shotgun.

Schooltime. Jocks in a Jeep across from Grandma’s house heckle Rose: “Nice dress!” and I guess it’s supposed to be a dorky dress, but I really like it – a plain gray jumper with big buttons and a black tee.

School hallway. Rose tries to open her locker and the Lead Douche Jock comes over and gives her a hard time until a teacher pushes him up against a locker, giving Rose a creepy smile. He tells Douche Jock to go away, then when Ezra also can’t open it via combination lock, he punches the locker open and Rose falls in love.

“Cute, huh?” says a girl who’s witnessed the exchange and is like a teenier (in size, not age) replica of the girl from “Brady Bunch Movie” who is in love with Marcia. “You better put your tongue back in your mouth; he’s way too old for you,” and she should know, because she is 32. Rose is not hearing it, because she is 27, herself.

The girl’s name is Janie, and she tries to make friends with Rose, but Rose only wants to discuss the teacher whom I shall dub Ezra Fitz. He fittingly teaches Creative Writing.

After school, Janie runs up to Rose again for some reason and they see some jocks, this time led by a dude named Todd who according to Ezra, doesn’t apply himself. Ezra bets Todd that if Ezra loses this b-ball matchup, he’ll give Todd an A in his class. But if Todd loses, he has to apply himself.

null

They play, and of course, Todd loses. To be fair, this scene, and Ezra’s moral of the story bet would be pretty cool, were it not for the fact that he’s totally all over the attention of Rose and also…

… “Mee-gan,” pronounced thusly. She is the Queen Bee, and threatened by Rose’s newfound position in the school as the object of male desire. Mee-gan’s line delivery is insanely close to Stacey Dash’s in “Clueless” and her face is eerily close to Jaime Pressly’s.
null

There is NO TIME for Ezra to catch some action off of the enamored teens however, because here is a gloriously generic Blonde Lady Friend of Men Not Boys, here to pick up Ezra whilst wearing a sundress. Rose glares, and Janie goes: “He’s madly in love with her.” Naturally, Rose responds with: “Take me shopping.”

So Rose and Janie go shopping, and in keeping with the ICM theme, Rose steals a bunch of stuff.

More detectives and their spelling bee. They ask an autopsy guy, who actually seems like a pretty decent actor, if there is a chance that either fire victim could have been stabbed.

Now that their day of impromptu basketball games and retail thievery (they shoplifted rather than shopped) has ended, Rose and Janie take the time to park on the Hollywood Hills. Rose pops open some champagne, and I have no idea where she got this champagne; I’m not surprised that Rose would have random hooch on her person at all times, but when did she acquire this big-ass bottle of champagne?

No time to wonder, because Rose pulls out not only the skirt she’s stolen for herself, but a matching one for Janie and SPOILER ALERT; both the gun and the skirt from the first act, go off in the third. Anyway, for some reason, Janie is SHOCKED that Rose has stolen the skirt(s) and tells Rose, “You’re bad.” Rose replies, “In a good way.” With that scintillating dialogue out of the way, they cheers to “Friends!” and lie down on the car.

Those watching the movie at home in hopes of Sapphic action are sorely disappointed, because Rose then goes home. Grandma is super nice and has made cookies. Rose is touched and shows her Soft Side Despite Things. Until! She sees the ghosts/corpses of her mother and mother’s boyfriend, still all burnt up from the fire. But lo! Rose wakes up on the roof of the car; that was a dream, and she tells Janie, “My grandma’s gonna kill me.”

So Rose goes home for realz, and Grandma freaks out. Rose says that it’s only 8 o’clock, but Grandma is mad that the attic’s not clean. In so many ways, this movie is right on the cusp of being an interesting sociological study, like the idea that this woman, albeit Carrie’s mom caricature-crazy, thinks that the arrival of a minor in her home equates to having an indentured servant versus the idea that kids should know how to do chores, and Rose obviously needs some “structure and fucking discipline” TM “American Beauty’s” Jane.

But instead, this movie keeps going for the ridiculous cartoon aspect (not that I’m complaining), and Grandma SLAPS Rose in the face and says that Rose won’t turn into a foul-mouthed tramp like her mother! Tomorrow? Rose is going to clean the garage AND the attic, while I wonder about the order of those two words and ensuing inflection by Grandma who, for all of her over-the-top Carrie’s momness, is actually a decently scary actress.

New day. Rose is walking to school, strips off her hoodie, and transforms into Stephanie Kaye.

Rose walks into class clad in the stolen skirt from aforementioned scene, and a black top that looks like a bikini from 1960s Archie comics. She hands Ezra an apple, and then Ezra goes to write on the board and actually says under his breath, “Oh…MY…,” as he puts his sexual tension into the chalk.

null
Mee-gan hands out assignments, because Ezra only acknowledges his hot students, whether they be male or female, and Mee-gan throws Rose’s assignment at her dismissively, causing it to fall to the ground. Natch, Rose trips her and Mee-gan goes sprawling, and I’m pretty much on Rose’s side for this battle.

The bell rings; class is over! And even as I type, I’m realizing the angle by which Ezra was written in general: He’s a teenage girl himself, as he is all “OMG, kids, I just toats realized that I’m having a garage sale this weekend! LOL and teehee because I don’t have anyone to help me! Can any of YOU help me, hint hint, wink wink?”

Mee-gan runs up to offer her services, but Rose is scarier and Veronica Lodge to the extreme, so Mee-gan’s intimidated/butthurt (I don’t know, Mee-gan makes the same exact expression in every single scene). Ezra, in all his infinite perv glory, tells them that they can both come to his place this weekend to *help.*

Lawn/quad/whatever the expanse of greenery in television and movies is. Mee-gan and Rose have a “confrontation” over Ezra. Rose intimidates Mee-gan until Mee-gan pushes Rose down and says “Don’t show up on Saturday – you or the freak.” Freak meaning I guess Janie, but really aside from her edgy wrist tattoo and being 37, I don’t get what is so freakish about Janie.

Detectives on Rose’s lawn! They want to talk, but Rose says no way. One of the detectives goes, “Oh yeah, she’s gonna be a lot of fun….” Shut up, One Of The Detectives.

The detectives try with Grandma, but she says no and slams the door. So the detectives commence with their spelling bee. This movie is so awesome.

Rose writes in her journal to Ezra. She’s doodled flowers. Then she goes to bed, and can I just say that everything in this movie takes extra long? Like you would think that with only 88 minutes to spare, they could find some stuff to fill in the downtime, but no. Two minutes of watching Rose McGowan go to sleep, it is.

Unfortunate scene with Ezra and his girlfriend. They go to have sex, and it’s creepy. The whole taking-too-long thing in this movie? Yeah. There’s a lot of awkward thrusting, which obvi turns into a talk about the upcoming weekend. Girlfriend has rearranged her entire weekend schedule as a flight attendant to go on a vacation with Ezra, but Mr. Pervy Pants refuses to postpone his garage sale. “Two students gave up their Saturdays! And they’re pretty hot, and have crushes on me for some reason!” He only says the first sentence, but come on now. So girlfriend whose name is Marilyn says this happens all the time. Marilyn is very placeholder and not interesting at all, but I totally am on her side for this exchange. She tells him she’s going to try to get her hours back and needs time away from Ezra, dresses, and leaves. Ezra emits an anemic “Marilyn,” totally doesn’t go after her at all, and lies back down.

Welcome back, Douche Jock! Not Todd, the blonde one who is constantly wearing his letterman jacket. He walks up to Rose while she changes on the street into Stephanie Kaye, and steals her shirt. Rather than play his game, Rose simply takes off her bra and he freaks out. I must say that Rose McGowan acts the hell out of this scene. I love her in general, but she’s extra good as she trolls Douche Jock, and acknowledges her topless vulnerability in a very subtle way, while owning that this is the only way to deal with guys like Douche Jock. He gives her shirt back and when she walks away (no longer topless, to be clear), Rose says “Is this fun for you?” DJ answers, “Haha, yeah.” Rose replies, “You don’t know what fun is.”

School. Mee-gan wanders around in like, gray sweats for some reason, and Rose finds the opportune time to push her down the stairs. “Ow my leg!” Mee-gan cries. Janie comes up to Rose in all the ersatz commotion and Rose says, “Guess she won’t be making it to the garage sale.” Janie is concerned.

Detectives, asking to speak to the principal. They ask the receptionist about Rose – oh they are at Rose’s former school, not current. The receptionist says that Rose had “a nasty crush on Mr. Roberts.” It went on for months, and Rose got suspended for stalking, and THEN Mr. Roberts got involved with Rose’s mother 😮 And I’m sorry, but the only media I’ve seen to make me okay with a mom dating the teacher-crush of her daughter is “Parenthood.” Perhaps Rose just becomes obsessed with high school teachers who were douches anyway. Because that shit is wack, and while I blame her for ostensibly killing her mom and her teacher? I do not blame her for being pissed.

New scene! Grandma finds Rose’s Stephanie Kaye clothes and hits Rose in the back with her cane.

Nighttime. Grandma is in bed with her dog. The dog wakes up, as treats keep falling for it, leading it to the attic. Rose locks him in a trunk and throws in a can of some kind while saying, “Hasta la vista, baby,” and this is the point at which Rose really started to lose me forever, because poor puppy.

Okay. Now Rose is wearing her skimpiest outfit yet, albeit super cute and I totally would wear it if I had her body. Problem is, she’s off to stupid Ezra’s garage sale. They have a “conversation,” and Ezra in his infinite wisdom shares his relationship woes with Rose.

Garage sale. Rose helps set up, sporting maximum cleavage, and bamp chicka wow wow music plays on the soundtrack. Then they stand around and wait for customers and where is this movie taking place? Granted, my garage sale experience is limited to two or three, but never in my life, if you advertise the sale ahead of time, do you wait for the customers. And even if this waiting around does happen in places, all the more for Marilyn to be UBER pissed. I know a lot of women are pretty chill in general. I strive and often fail at being one myself. That said, I do not know any woman who would be okay with her boyfriend cancelling a planned weekend getaway to go hang out with nearly naked Rose McGowan alone at his house.
null
Garage sale in full effect – aka, two customers are there. Janie shows up. Ezra compliments Janie’s tattoo (SPOILER! THIS SEEMINGLY UNENTHRALLING SCENE IS IMPORTANT!), and puts his arm around Rose (shut up, Fitz), while Janie takes a picture of them, then calls out Rose on being a ridiculous stalker. “Why don’t you just grab his (bleep!),” she says. No really, I mean bleep, dunno her actual word.

Grandma is looking for her poor dead dog. She opens a book that she finds – Rose’s journal 😮

Garage sale. Rose: “We make a good team.” Ezra: “Yeah we do.” Shut up. All of you.

Rose needs to go in the house for some reason and for some reason the house is locked, so Ezra in his infinite wisdom tells Rose that the spare key is under the pot. So Rose goes in the house and overhears Marilyn leaving a message on the answering machine message saying, “We need to talk.” Rose deletes the message, then writes the answering machine password on her arm. Because when you’re naked and stalking someone, the best place to be surreptitious is on your bare skin.

Rose sniffs Ezra’s shirts in the closet a la Annette Bening in “American Beauty,” minus the sympathy points. A box falls out that is filled with an inordinate number of Shirtless Ezra Pics, but eventually we see that Marilyn is in a pic or two. Rose rips up a pic of the two of them together; then when Ezra wanders in, she says the call was a wrong number.

Ezra drives Rose home and it is dark. Why?! Garage sales start at like 3 in the morning; why is it all dark now?

Grandma watches them as they say goodbye.

Ezra drives home and shakes his head. “(Ezra, Ezra, Ezra) – they didn’t make ‘em like that when I was in school.” Shut UP, Ezra! First of all, Rose is in her 30s! So your point is still vaguely salient! Second of all, shut UP! Because you were, in fact, aware when you pursued high school teaching as a career, that teenagers often times have womanly bodies?

Ugh. People like Ezra piss me off on more levels than I can convey at this particular moment. Because I know for Solid Fact that countless men are more than capable of both caring about their teenage students, and keeping their penises in their pants.

Rose goes inside her house, trying to be quiet, and goes in her room. Grandma is SO CREEPILY standing behind Rose’s door, and calls Rose a blasphemous slut. “You’re a whore just like your mother,” etc. Grandma has read Rose’s journal and says she is going to call the police, the school, and the child-services lady or as Grandma calls her, “that Asian woman!”

So Rose hits Grandma in the face with her cane. Grandmas asks for mercy. Rose replies:

“Mercy? You never showed me any mercy. My mother never showed me any mercy. And now I don’t have any mercy! It’s a family thing.”

And Rose kills Grandma through a window shot.

Cut to two guys from church taking the trunk that the dog was in. They wish Grandma a speedy recovery.

Rose enjoys having the house to herself. The TV evangelist is still spouting, and Rose kills the television, a move that I have to question. There are other channels, Rose.

Ezra arrives home to candles and music. He thinks it’s Marilyn. A shower is running. But it is Rose! She got in with his spare key. Ezra’s gotten a fit of conscience, and tells Rose “We will discuss this when you’re dressed!” But he stays in his robe! Ezra tells her that she has to leave. She flirts. He acts innocent and indignant. They go back and forth for 47 hours in a “Is too! Is not!” conversation.

Classroom, the next day. Ezra sees, in a fitting scene to his name, that Rose is not in his classroom. Another teacher brings Ezra a bouquet of red roses. Ezra, dumbass that he is, assumes they’re from the woman he shunned to ostensibly bonk his students, but the teacher is like “They’re from someone else.”

All overheard by Janie, because when Janie is not stalking Rose, she is at her locker, which makes sense, because the truancy officers stop looking for you once you reach 34.

House Formerly Known As Grandma’s. Rose calls Ezra and checks his messages, via the code written on her arm. And who else is calling but Marilyn! She wants to meet him for dinner at a nearby hotel. “We need to talk.” Rose calls the hotel and leaves a message that we don’t hear.

Detectives! Telling Child-Services Lady that they need family info on Rose. CSL says she’ll talk, so long as it’s off the record.

Rose writes in her diary. Douche Jock knocks on the door, saying that he came to check on her, but then tries to fuck her as if this was “Game of Thrones” and Rose is DJ’s birthright. Rose says she is seeing someone, and he guesses she means Ezra. He mocks her and threatens to tell the principal, so Rose offers a trade: her sex for his silence. Being the walking penis that he is, DJ agrees, and follows Rose to the attic.

In another scene that’s not nearly as good as Rose McGowan’s acting, she seems like she’s going along with the trade, until DJ gets all rough and rapey with her. She kicks him in the balls, then stabs him with something – a fire poker? – and he falls down the stairs.

Cut to Rose digging DJ’s grave and uttering whimsical lines such as “No means no.”

New scene: Marilyn gets into Ezra’s bed and starts kissing him. But sometimes it’s Real!Marilyn; sometimes it’s Rose. It’s actually Ezra’s dream.

Principal’s office, she wants a meeting with Ezra, then asks if everything is okay. He says yes and tries to leave, but the principal brings up getting too close to a student. Ezra (rightfully) assumes that this is about Rose, and thinks it’s the teacher from the other day with the roses, but it was not. The principal lets Ezra and the audience at home know that it’s about the basketball game: “Gambling for grades?” Ezra, shitting his pants with relief, says he will stop, and leaves.

CCL knocks on Former Grandma’s door. When there is no answer, she goes around back, through the gate, and sees the fresh grave that Rose has dug for DJ. It’s not obvi-obvi though, so when Rose says hi, CCL is all, hi!

Former Grandma’s kitchen. Rose gives CCL some tea. CCL asks what happened to her face (due to the almost-rape fight with DJ), and CCL assumes it was Grandma. Rose goes along with CCL’s assumption, and says that Grandma won’t be doing that anymore. DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMMM!

CCL says she is sorry, and I have to say that CCL is one of the most sympathetic characters in this entire glorious debacle otherwise known as a movie. Even in the first scenes, CCL seemed very concerned about Rose’s familial travesty, and just even acting-wise, she’s very natural and truly doing the best she can with the material.

So but yeah, CCL is sorry but Rose will have to go with her. They go back and forth – Rose says she likes it here and in a weird way I feel for her, because she’s still a minor who’s had to live with mean dictatorial authority figures and now finally doesn’t, but I also feel for CCL, and know she is right, as she tells Rose that it’s her job to take any child out of an abusive situation, and Rose just flat-out alluded to the fact that Grandma is/(was) a sheer psycho.

But you know, Rose is not necessarily one for the subtleties of life’s lessons, so she takes the teapot and I thought she was just going to throw the water in CCL’s face, but Rose instead hits her with it. And again in a weird way, I give Rose props for improvisational imagination. She reminds me of Buffy Summers, in that respect.

And so anyway, Rose tells CCL’s unconscious body that she can’t go; she has a date.

Okay, remember how Marilyn left a message about having dinner with Ezra? Well, she made the reservation at the restaurant that exists everywhere, on every show, in every movie. You’ll know what I mean if you see it. There’s a rounded red booth. And speaking of if you’ve ever watched a movie or a television show, you will not be surprised to learn that Marilyn is not there at all; it is Rose! Rose introduces Ezra to the two guys at the neighboring table, who have no reason to be there, aside to further the “plot.” When Ezra says to Rose, “Let’s go,” the two guys defend Rose, and they fight with Ezra in an outtake scene from “Frasier.”

Marilyn shows up and thank God, because I missed her. Jk, she shows up to meet Ezra. They sit on the steps; she asks what’s going on, and he says I don’t know.

^^^ Slow clap, that was mesmerizing, guys. ^^^

Marilyn drives Ezra home and it’s like 5 am. These people don’t seem to do anything fun ever, yet they stay out for record amounts of time. Anyway, the sun is coming up and Rose is sitting on Ezra’s stoop.

Can I ask a quick, half-rhetorical question? Am I just a crazy, jealous bitch, or do women in the movies more often than not seem maturely resigned to crazy-ass hot chicks sitting on their boyfriends’ property? Like if I went away for a weekend to clear my head from my boyfriend’s method-acting of Ron Livingston in “Pretty Persuasion,” only to come back to one of his “garage-sale buddies” waiting for him as the sun came up? I would not nearly be as calm as Marilyn, especially when the following transpires:

Rose: Thank God you’re all right.

Ezra: You need help. I don’t love you.

Rose: (SLAP! In Ezra’s face.)

Rose: It’s her (Marilyn). That’s why you’re being like this?

Ezra: This game stops now.

I’d be like wow boyfriend, thanks for blowing off our weekend that I took off for, in order to have this wondrous chick not lose a Saturday.

Former Grandma’s House. Rose burns all of her words for Ezra in a candle and cries. Then she burns his picture.

Hey, Autopsy Guy! You’re pretty awesome. And AG tells the detectives that yes, there were definitely stab wounds of seemingly malicious intent.

Detectives again! They’re now at the principal’s office and continue their riveting spelling bee. I keep mocking the spelling bee but will give props in that this is my 23rd ICM. Most of those movies have traditional cop/detective duos. At least this one strives for originality! Meanwhile, the principal, another pretty cool actress, corrects one of the detective’s definitions, and that was kind of badass.

Ezra goes into the principal’s office, because he wants to speak to her! He does not know that the detectives are there, but there…they are, and the principal introduces everyone. Ezra’s come to complain about Rose; the detectives are there to talk to Rose – everyone’s a winner! But they can’t locate Rose, and know about the “altercation” last night at Ezra’s house. So Ezra tells them that she’s full of delusions.

One detective tells the principal that Rose’s mom may have killed her dad, so Rose has grown up surrounded by violence and even before her dad’s death, both of Rose’s parents abused her.

“Mercy? You never showed me any mercy. My mother never showed me any mercy. And now I don’t have any mercy! It’s a family thing.”
~ Rose

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. For when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.”
~ Gavin De Becker

So IMO, that’s actually really sad. But in the meantime, Rose has called – it’s an emergency!

They all go to Rose’s/Former Grandma’s house. She won’t answer the door, and says that only Ezra can come in.

Rose sits on the steps with the shotgun from the attic. When the detectives try to outwit her and come in despite her orders, she shoots the detective in the leg.

“Why won’t you love me?” Rose asks no one in particular.

Oh I guess she meant Ezra, who tries to diffuse the situation, saying Rose can trust him and he will stick by her. He begs her to come out.

Then there is a shot!

And Ezra goes into the room. The actor does a nice job of showing despondence at Rose’s suicide – it must be Rose! She’s wearing a skanky outfit and the skirt Rose was wearing that very day! So Ezra and company assume that Rose is out of the picture.

Marilyn drives up to Ezra’s house. Apparently, pervy negligence has fallen by the wayside, for there are groceries to put away.

Ezra drives.

Marilyn puts on a cassette tape of elevator music and ties her hair in a scrunchie.

Ezra drives, and there is an admittedly chilling flashback to his noticing Janie’s tattoo, and then to his vision of the dead girl, and he realizes “Oh no.”

Marilyn dries her face in a particularly riveting scene. The lights dim, and there is Rose behind her!

They fight.

Ezra drives faster, because his 11th-hour self-realization of douchebaggery is quite the force to be reckoned with! Sirens come! Oh no, you think, but Ezra at 47 has finally grown brains in both the literal and figurative sense, and is like, “Follow me, cops!”

More Rose/Marilyn fighting, and Marilyn smashes a vase on Rose’s head, a la Julia Roberts in “Satisfaction.”

PLAN FAIL! As one of the cops who’d been on a motorcycle spins out.

“You bitch! He’s mine!” Rose yells as she beats Marilyn’s head into the ground, and while I have a low tolerance for visual violence in general, that is one thing I especially never really can take. It was terrifying in the opening scene of “Lean on Me,” back then, and it’s terrifying in “Devil in the Flesh,” right now.

The cops have regathered, and try to arrest Ezra! They are not trying to hear his pleas about how Rose is a crazy killer.

I guess sometimes lessons have to be illustrated, as Rose cuts the cop’s throat, and then holds the knife to Marilyn’s neck.

Ezra: Rose, there’s no need to kill her.

Rose: Peter, we need some time alone.

And as an additional side note, Rose McGowan got saddled with some corny-ass lines, but she delivers the humor as well as any actress could, and I mean that as a compliment. Additionally, she really acts the hell out of this scene, in general.

Ezra: It’s just you and me, Rose. I love you.

Rose looks super happy until Ezra lunges at her, at which point she stabs him in the shoulder with a knife.

They fight. Ezra wins, because he is the unfortunate moral compass of this cinematic travesty.

Marilyn rushes to Ezra, because who wouldn’t want a neglectful boyfriend who can only get a hardon around his teenage students?

Sirens in the background!

Cops arrive!

Poor stupid Ezra is getting put into a fire truck on a stretcher, while….

…Rose, still alive, gets put into the back of a cop car, who handles her gently, despite her marauding murderousness. She looks up at him, another Male Authority Figure, smiles, falls in love, and –

FREEZE FRAME!

Posted in Celebrities, Entertainment, Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night, Movies | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A World Without Shrimp

Posted on April 1, 2013 by judisunshine

Anya: It’s possible that he’s in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or you know, the world without shrimp.

Tara: There’s a world without shrimp? I’m allergic.

“May I have everyone in the kitchen!” my manager Greg said. We all followed suit, because Greg was the no-nonsense GM at Red Lobster, and many of us feared him.

“We have run out of shrimp,” Greg said. “We are 86 shrimp.”

It figured. You don’t even understand the chaos that was Red Lobster. Mad intense at all times. They were big into “saving labor,” which meant that at any given time on a weekday afternoon, there would be no host, no bartender, nobody baking bread, no manager to be found, much less a cook, and like, one server with 12 tables. Craziness, always.

So the fact that we had run out of shrimp didn’t surprise me, just pissed me off.

“What kind of shrimp?” someone asked Greg. “Butterflied or regular?”

“Both,” Greg regretfully responded.

“What about the cocktail shrimp?” someone else wanted to know.

“All the shrimp. We have no shrimp in the restaurant. We’ve run out.”

Filled with indignant rage, I cautiously approached my new table out in the dining room. And now the thing you need to understand is that despite the “Lobster” in its name, most of the place’s guests get something involving shrimp. Heck, I always get something involving shrimp.

Sure enough, my guests wanted shrimp! I spent quite awhile convincing them that we really, truly didn’t have any while trying to sound sympathetic and also hide my frustration with the whole ridiculous situation. Finally, finally, we were able to figure out new meals for them, which was tough for me to do objectively, because goodness knows the fresh fish was a total crapshoot. Sometimes our salmon filets looked gorgeous and huge and triangular, but more often than not they looked like one of those pictures on a shampoo bottle where they show x-rays of split ends, only in this case, tiny, burnt, and orangish black.

But I think my guests decided on crab or something. They still wanted to speak to a manager though, since they did come after all, for the Unlimited Shrimp Fest.

I informed Greg of this, and he stared at me so I stared back all, what is the problem? I hadn’t even fought with anyone in like, 20 minutes. I was a model waitress that day!

“You told them we were out of shrimp?!”

“!!!”

“???”

And then he began cracking up and wouldn’t stop, and everyone else started laughing too and I was NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS.

“We have shrimp!”

“What???”

“Did you not see what day it was?” and he pointed to the board.

“April 1st…”

“…”

“…I hate you.”

Everyone laughed some more, then Greg looked worried. “I should probably go explain to your table.”

I never did learn how everyone else seemed to understand that this anger-inducing 86 was just a joke. But that’s pretty par for the course, for me. Often times, I’m being laughed at for reasons I don’t understand. It’s awesome.

Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone! I hope you find the time to piss off and stress out someone today!

Posted in Food, Restaurants, Work | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Shows I’m Currently Watching, Now That I Have Cable :)

Posted on March 29, 2013 by judisunshine

So, for a year plus now, Josh and I have been watching many shows on DVD, because a) we love television and b) we didn’t have cable.

Now we are living together and wonder of wonders, the new place has cable! Well okay, we are now paying for cable service. And may I just say that Colorado cable packages have got nothing on the New York ones that I shilled for whilst working at Wilen Media.

But first-world problems to be sure, and let me get to the point, which is that it’s interesting, as a TV obsesser, to be once again, fueled by the power of the cable box. Or remote, rather, because things are all high tech now. In the same way that I loved talk radio/1010 WINS back in New York, I love having “live” television in my home. It’s great to put on makeup to the accompanying dulcet tones of Howie Mandel, as opposed to my general ennui. Just knowing there are other people in the house with you, makes life less scary.

Still, I can’t just abandon TV on DVD, one of the most glorious inventions ever known to man. And also, have I mentioned the terrible Colorado cable packages? When one can’t watch “Degrassi” for free, one knows that things are not right in Whoville. Still, I’m very happy to have unsettling news anchors once again, screaming in my face.

And with no further adieu, I present to you:

Shows That I’ve Been Watching In My New Cable-y Apartment!

How I Met Your Mother

I’ve loved this show for awhile, but despite having Netflixed the first three seasons even during back when a time that I had cable, I did not keep up with this show. When I moved to Colorado two years ago, there were several crying jags during the times that my parents were off networking, and I had control of the cable box. When “The Best Years” and/or “Single Ladies” wasn’t on, “How I Met Your Mother” was.

Here in real time, I appreciate that this show has become the new “Friends,” in terms of cable accessability. On Valentine’s Day, Josh had to work, but I baked him some cookies and homemade mac and cheese. “How I Met Your Mother” was airing a Valentine’s Day love marathon of eps, and though I was alone in the apartment, life felt good 🙂

Friends

Speaking of “Friends,” here it is on my list. Last year, my friend Pete gave Josh the birthday gift of a free night’s stay at Manitou’s best place to lodge: The Eagle Motel. I surprised Josh with balloons and a mojito bar, and we spent much of the night enjoying live cable, in the form of “Friends.”

“Friends” is just one of the Shows Of My Life, that is one of the shows of everyone’s life, so there’s little to embellish. That said, I just caught the tail-end of Ross and Rachel’s breakup the other day, and man does that still make me cry. Ross’s hope when she orders the pizza – sob. “Then how come it is?” DOUBLE SOB!

That ‘70s Show

Okay so Donna looks way better as a blonde than I remember. Mostly, her blonde hair triggers my desire to post on Jump The Shark. But it is not the fault, of Donna’s blonde hair. It is the fault of the producers of “That ‘70s Show” trying to keep the show alive in the form of veritable zombies. All the remaining actors and characters were great. But that show should have ended sooner :-/

Game of Thrones

Because as I said, it’s not like we’re just going to shun TV on DVD. Especially when “Game of Thrones” exists, and Josh wants to watch it.

I’m not gonna lie. The other night we watched a particularly disturbing Joffrey ep, and the way I felt after it, was how I felt after seeing “Hostel II” in the theater – dirty, upset, sad, filled with nightmares.

But ya know, such is life, and even whilst mentally shunning “Game of Thrones” forevermore, I couldn’t stop wondering after Tyrion, aka one of the best characters/actors EVER, not to mention my abiding girl crush Khaleesi, because what of the dragons!, were up to.

So after taking a few-days break, I revisited “Game of Thrones.” What a freaking ride. In the good way.

Weeds

Speaking of girl crushes, and to paraphrase Danny Drennan: HowmuchdoIlove Mary Louise Parker!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glorious, ethereal, amazing, astonishing, perfect – my English major heart can’t come up with just the right word for the magic that is MLP’s Nancy Botwin. But I can say that she is one character that I mourn, that I’m gonna freaking miss.

Another blog for another time. But this is another show we finished, thanks to Josh’s purchase of Season 8. And man, was that show worth watching from start to end.

WARNING!!! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

Gilmore Girls

We’ve been watching this show, yet another on DVD, and now we’re in Season Seven, and I don’t want to let it go. Watching this show with a fresh pair of eyes will never stop being awesome to me. Sharing the lives of all the Lorelais. I’ve staggered it out for over a year, but the time is coming soon, to say goodbye, yet again. And “I Will Always Love You,” “Gilmore Girls.”

30 Rock

What a fantastically wonderful show. It airs in real time, sometimes, and we leave it on. On Demand, we’ve watched every season. Though I’ve neglected “30 Rock” while not having cable, I’m caught up, and I’m going to miss this show. Can I get a fittingly awkward high five and AMEN to Tina Fey’s goddess status?

Seinfeld

This is my show with my brother Robb. Taco Bell and Hawaii VHS tapes ftw! And while “Seinfeld” actually now just mostly makes me want to watch “The New Adventures of Old Christine,” “Seinfeld” is a great trip down 1997’s memory lane.

Frasier

Similar principle. But I forgot how much I love Roz specifically, and the ability of a show in general, to pull off solid farce.

Everybody Loves Raymond

RIP Peter Boyle; you graced the world in a major way.

That said, I get why people hate this show. Personally, I’m ambivalent, especially now that Ray Romano is wooing my girl Lauren Graham on “Parenthood.” But I’d be lying if I said that a) I never read and enjoyed Patricia Heaton’s memoir and b) I never LOLed at this show. Its presence on cable makes me happy.

Who’s the Boss?

Because sometimes, especially when Alyssa Milano has been your lifelong beacon of television ladies, it’s pretty amazing when she can make you cry whilst she is sporting a French braid, and you are 37.

Posted in AcTING!, Apartments & Other Domiciles, Celebrities, Entertainment, Lists, Miscellaneous, TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

New York VERSUS Colorado!

Posted on March 19, 2013 by judisunshine

Do NOT mock my pro/con lists!

~ Rory Gilmore

So a few weeks ago, I revisited New York. My home state, the place I lived for nearly 36 years. It had been nearly two years since I’d been there. Thanks to my cousin Sammy’s getting married (awesome wedding, beautiful evening – thank you Sam!!!), her kind invitation for me to be there, and my mother’s sweet offer to pay for my plane ticket and let me tag along on her trip, I made the trek back. Though the trip was much shorter than I would have preferred, just being back for a hot minute made me incredibly nostalgic.

When I came back to Colorado, my first innate response was to hug the heck out of my boyfriend, who unfortunately could not join me on the visit (He’s a Native New Yorker too). But because he was working when I first got back, I had time to make a list: New York versus Colorado!

Here’s what I came up with!

PRO NEW YORK

The Food, Especially Pizza

Since I stopped eating meat in 2009, when I still lived in New York, the Chinese food issue was no longer – well, an issue. I understand and agree that Chinese food, bagels, and pizza, are the trifecta of awesome New York food that simply does not exist properly, in any other part of the U.S. But when I ate Chinese food throughout my first 30+ years, it was all about the chicken for me. I never even really liked much meat, but Kung Pao chicken, sesame chicken, chicken with cashew nuts – that never tasted like meat, just Chinese food.

So I’d lost my love for that one part of the trifecta, but despite all attempts at becoming vegan like my brother Eric, I am still Set In My Ways, as an Aging Lady, and HAD to get a slice of NY pizza, when I went back. The bagel aspect had been taken care of a couple of weeks prior, when I ordered Josh New York bagels as an early Valentine’s Day gift.

Pizza, though? I needed New York pizza. The place where I work in Colorado, Townhouse Lounge, actually has the most fantastic pizza, as does Benny Blanco’s when I can make it to Denver. Both places salve my New Yorker pizza heart!

But nothing – not even 35+ years of living in New York – could have prepared me for just how delicious one slice of La Piazza in Merrick would taste, especially when accompanied by a fountain root beer. Especially right after spending hours with my mom, moving and mailing 26 boxes from my storage space. Physical labor, mother/daughter bonding, and nostalgia via boxes from my past rival even MMJ Dabba Mints, for appetite-building awesomeness.

We will discuss the amazing bottle of wine that my mother and I got at Blue Moon, at another time.

Ethnic Diversity

Full disclosure: I am a white chick.

But I did not spend my formative years in a homogeneous environment, and even after moving to suburbia, it was still not the land of Colorado – lily as far as the eye can see, save for a few exceptions.

I will never forget hanging out with my friend Robin in Denver a couple of years ago. She’s also a native New Yorker, but lived in Colorado years before I did, and embraced Denver like nobody’s business. So when she came back to visit, and I drove North to meet up with her, I found it hilarious that, over breakfast in a hipster-y (and delicious!) Denver brunch-y place, she sighed, smiled, and said: “Denver tries. It really tries, to be more diverse than it ever will be.”

Maybe I shouldn’t have put that in quote marks, because IIRC, Robin put it much more funny than that. Still, the point remains. The biggest reason I never sought after Boston when I lived on the East coast, was that it was too white for me. Yet, here I am in Colorado. To be fair, and I think this was part of Robin’s point, I don’t feel like where I live is in any way, a racist environment. It’s simply not as melting pot as I am used to. It’s not New York. Hence, this entry on New York’s “pro” list.

Bridges & The Ocean

I think a huge part of me when I went back to New York, avoided the beach. Not just because it was the first week of March, but because I wasn’t there for Sandy. Via Facebook and other venues of communication, and due to being an empath, I felt Sandy. It hurt my heart. Despite not living in New York at the time, I actually lost a lot, stuff that was still in my apartment with my ex. Strong memories, washed away forever.

But I didn’t live Sandy. I experienced the Waldo Canyon fires, here in Colorado, and was evacuated for one night. I feared terribly, that I would lose my home. But I didn’t. And a couple of months later, a lot of people that I love, did.

And I knew that the Long Beach boardwalk was gone. So I couldn’t, and I didn’t, visit the beach, this time.

But I freaking miss the ocean. And I miss driving over bridges – an experience that’s always terrified and delighted me, in equal parts. There is something amazingly humbling, about speeding around in a machine, over a vast ocean.

CON NEW YORK

Grayness

New York is a lot grayer than I remember, and in a weird way, that could almost put it on the pro list. My natural writer depression really enjoys how when the weather says it’s rainy and gloomy, it stays that way! Here in Manitou, grayness will come and go with the blink of an eye.

But I forgot, how gray New York can be. When I stepped out into my home state, the energy fueled me. Still…gray.

The Drivers

It tickled me pink, to see so many fellow New Yorkers “Like” my Facebook status, when I posted that New York drivers were even bigger assholes than I remembered. Seriously though, what is UP with the lack of turn signals? Wait, don’t answer that; I will – using a turn signal is a sign of weakness, because the second you turn it on, the driver in the next lane will suddenly develop the ability to step on a gas pedal, and s/he will not let you switch lanes.

Assholes. And don’t get me wrong, I could be one. A 30-40-mile commute to LNK in Suffolk, will do that. I’m just saying. This is a definite con-list entry.

The Reefer Madness

Please see my pro-Colorado list 😉

PRO Colorado

The Mountains

“You’re a bunch of unappreciative jerks,” I’d think, when Coloradoans would talk about how the mountains in upstate New York were just hills. But it was like, I grew up on Long Island. There were no mountains of any variety, and I loved the upstate mountains!

That said, it’s kind of true. Nothing can compete with the Rockies. Whether they can win out over the Atlantic Ocean remains to be seen, but they rock. Pun intended.

The Air

I wrote about this before I went back to New York, but/so, my question was answered. Part of me was very prepared and open-minded, to stepping out into New York, and really feeling the heavier, moister air.

And I did. But it wasn’t as awesome as I remembered. It was just TOO heavy for me. I will never not hate how freaking dry Colorado can make my skin. But within the thinness, comes a cleanness, that I welcomed back wholeheartedly, upon my return to DIA.

The Weed

My parents don’t smoke weed, or pot, as they call it. But my dad was laffing away, when I moved out here, as he pointed out how like, every other building had a green plus sign on it.

I loved that when I came out here, I could legally apply for a card that let me go into a store and not only acquire weed, but helped me find the right strains and venues in which to help what had ailed me my whole life – a bitchy digestive system, a bipolar sleep gene. Et al. I do enjoy getting high, but people who say that MMJ is just a scam, don’t know what they’re talking about.

And on that note, I loved that when I went for my red card, I met an older couple in the waiting room, who’d just moved from Texas specifically to get MMJ, because they both suffered from older-people ailments, and weed helped them continue the active lifestyle that they both loved.

When Amendment 64 passed, I was so proud to live in this state. Ailments and maladies aside, I’m very pro-liberty, and it makes me sad that New York is so dinosaur in that regard.

I’ve purposely left out the people, from this list. Because that is an all-encompassing aspect that cannot be relegated to coldhearted pro/con lists. And as I’ve kept writing, the people part is a blog unto itself. Ima post this now, and get back to you soon 🙂

Posted in Apartments & Other Domiciles, Family, Food, Friends, Lists, Manitou, Miscellaneous, Restaurants, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 22: Who’s That Girl

Posted on March 8, 2013 by judisunshine

photo who-s-that-girl-original.jpg

I would like to extend a hearty Thank You to Krysi for suggesting tonight’s fine movie! One that frankly I’m surprised I hadn’t already seen, but I hadn’t.

The opening credits sequence to “Who’s That Girl” features Madonna in cartoon form, roaming around town a la Jayne Mansfield in “Girl Can’t Help It.” Her song “Causing a Commotion” plays in the background as she causes accidents all around, due to being so sexy. Then there are these bad guys! They put a body into Madonna’s trunk and she drives away.

Car chase! A fruit stand gets upturned, so you know this is serious! Cartoon Madonna gets arrested and sent to jail.
photo tumblr_lq9075dLHB1qk43mro1_500.jpg
Real life! Madonna is at a parole hearing in her blue prison uniform. She asks to smoke a cigarette, and the guy at the parole hearing desk says “Yes of course.”

Madonna is going home to Philadelphia and has to report to her parole officer every two weeks. A lady at the desk asks “Do you have any more questions?” Madonna answers, “Yeah. Got any mascara?” Then gives a wink, so we get a brief idea of what we’re in for.

New scene at the docks. There is a crate labeled “Endangered species,” in a shoutout to “Creepshow 2” also being Netflixed at my house, even though “The Crate” was in the first “Creepshow.”

Griffin Dunne! Griffin Dunne’s never been in my life, more than he has in the past couple of months. Josh and I both watched “After Hours” for the first time and that was something else, but let’s move forward. In this Griffin Dunne movie, he has Catherine O’Hara’s headshot framed on his desk and he is talking on the phone to one of the dock workers about picking up this important cat.

Cut to Catherine O’Hara walking glamorously with an entourage. She’s all rich and talks like Lovey Howell, and is planning a wedding. Griffin Dunne tells dock guy to keep the animal (“an exotic cat”) in a cage and gets off the phone.

Catherine O’Hara tells someone that she and Griffin Dunne are postponing the honeymoon for a few years. They have plenty of time to connect, but in the meantime, Griffin Dunne has a lot of important work to do for her daddy. Creepy.

A UPS guy wanders in from the set of a neighboring porno.

Cut to Madonna in her prison cell. She has Crystal Barbie dresses hanging all over her wall, in addition to posters of Elvis and Marlon Brando that she kisses while a correctional officer looks on grumpily.

Cut to a rich white dude at a desk, that I’m guessing is Daddy. He carries on a vague conversation about important intrigue. Catherine O’Hara comes in to ask him to choose a champagne flute, and jumps up and down with glee when he picks the one she wanted in the first place.

Here we get the requisite pre-nup scene, and there are 27 people in the room for some reason, like instead of these guys working in an office with individual spaces, they all travel around in a pack throughout this house to do their work.

25 of the people leave so daddy can talk to Griffin Dunne. Griffin Dunne says he wants to make Catherine O’Hara happy. Daddy only cares that he signs the prenup and follows his orders. Daddy says “Nikki Finn” (Madonna) is coming out of jail and Griffin Dunne needs to make sure she gets on a bus. Daddy does fencing poses as he talks. Josh points out that Griffin Dunne has a fencing trophy on desk at work. Daddy says that Griffin Dunne has tremendous potential to be partner and acts ominous, leaving his sword placed on Griffin Dunne’s head as he speaks.

Madonna heads out of jail and all the other prisoners are so sad to see her go yet happy for her, and Madonna passes her cig stash to “Judy.”

Griffin Dunne arrives at the dock to pick up the “cat,” which is actually a tiger. Griffin Dunne looks scared, but signs for it.

Madonna gets her stuff back, lots of leather and her lipstick: “fire engine red.” She applies it with great sass, as she says you can’t find this color anymore. Possibly because it is four years old. That’s kinda nasty. Two men watch Madonna with concern. One asks, “Do you think she even knows we’re here?”

photo -Who-s-That-Girl-Screenshots-madonna-25387756-525-700.jpg

Griffin Dunne leaves the tiger in his car (which is actually not his car; Daddy gave it to him to use), while he goes to pick up Madonna.

The same correctional officer from before gives Madonna attitude and when Madonna finds out she’s free, she punches the officer in the mouth. Officer flips out and screams “Put her back in here” and the other officer goes “You WANT her back in?” and Original Officer goes, “Hell no.” Madonna says “Be nice” and sounds like Drusilla. Josh: “She was working on her British accent, even then.”

Madonna skips out to freedom. Griffin Dunne introduces himself a la Nolan in “Revenge,” saying he’s with a group that provides rides to freed prisoners. Madonna gets in Griffin Dunne’s car and starts driving. Griffin Dunne jumps in and they drive away. The two guys from before (who are plain-clothes officers, to be clear) get into a red car and follow them.

Madonna drives like a jackass and and says the tiger should be named Murray. They almost hit a billion trucks and cars. “Hey! The Mall! HAHAH!” she goes and drives over a curb and WHY IS SHE DRIVING LIKE THIS; she’s been in jail for four years, not her entire life. She is not Elle from “Heroes.” Madonna parks and says not to be mad, she just went crazy being stuck inside for so long and begs him to go into the mall. Griffin Dunne gives annoyed-yet-enamored eyes while asking “Who ARE you,” and they go into the mall while the two cops watch. One is older and stodgier; the younger one wears no tie with his jacket, has feathery hair, and is much more lighthearted and all “Aw, you fogey, come on and loosen up!”

Griffin Dunne tries to get Madonna to leave leave a record store while she steals a bunch of cassette tapes. Madonna says she has to make a little detour to Harlem to get a gun. Griffin Dunne is all, “Absolutely not!” Madonna has trouble saying her lines, walking, and putting tapes into her jacket all at the same time. She then puts one tape into a random guy’s jacket so the alarm goes off when he leaves, at which point the guard GRABS him and Madonna saunters out while the alarm is still going off.

photo 4017210_std.jpg

Back to the car that I will just call the Rolls, since that is what they call it. Madonna says she’s gonna get on the bus and go back to Philly, per Griffin Dunne’s suggestion, and fix her life, make something of herself. Griffin Dunne says he’ll drive her as she walks away but she says no, he’s done enough. Griffin Dunne tries to coax her. She asks can I drive; he says no; she pouts; he relents, and she laughs, then skips over to driver’s door.

Him: “No tricks.”

Her: “No tricks. I promise.”

Griffin Dunne gets in. She starts the car and goes, “Guess what? TRIIICCCCKKKKSSSS” in this terrible/awesome way that I can’t even express in words. Then she smashes into a car she’s parked near, yells sorry, and drives away.

The two cops try to follow her and smash into a different parked car. The older guy is upset because, “They’re getting awayyyy.”

All of Madonna’s stolen tapes fall out of her jacket and Griffin Dunne gets surprised and indignant for some reason because he is Guy Pearce in “Memento” and apparently forgets who Madonna is from one second to the next, despite her Gift-of-Fearing him all over the place. So Madonna goes, “I didn’t hold it up; I just boosted a few tapes; there’s a bit of a difference,” and she keeps pouting and it is VERY VERY annoying, but I wonder how much of said annoyance is on me. Like there was this one rehearsal for this (awesome) play I was in, Cut Me Down, and there was this line where I had to say, “You boys better not try any funny business.” We were running through that scene; I delivered that line, and the writer/director who was also my friend paused and went, “Um. That delivery was a bit…Shirley Temple?” And he was trying to be diplomatic, but it was hilarious, because it was true. This scene in “Who’s That Girl,” Madonna is like one big Shirley-Temple-Catastrophe/Humbling Moment of LOLs.

Also from my notes for this scene: “If these two have sex I am going to vomit for 12 days.”

Madonna-actress drives and slams around again, some more, and almost hits a train while Madonna-singer is on the soundtrack and Madonna-actress jams out to herself.

The two cops are halted by the train. Madonna opens her mouth wide because she is a Free Spirit and she drives alongside the train and then in front of the train and the cops are coming to pull her over.

Griffin Dunne is just SO FLUSTERED that he falls out of the car. Madonna tells the “Chips” cop (on a motorcycle, not to be confused with the two plain-clothes cops) that her husband is having a heart attack. The cop keeps his gun trained on them but is powerless to Madonna’s…charm? And then Griffin Dunne GRABS the cop and goes, “Help me,” and it’s like “Griffin Dunne, heal thyself.”

Cut to the hospital, where they have taken Griffin Dunne. Tony Soprano’s mom is the nurse. They all run and try to help Griffin Dunne and give him a shot of something or another that makes him pass out.

Terrifying closeup of a different nurse, upon Griffin Dunne’s physical, if not mental, awakening. Nurse says that his wife took everything home, but will be back later with his pajamas. Griffin Dunne freaks out that Madonna has Murray (the tiger) and tries to leave the hospital. He’s going to Harlem! He tries to get out and falls down some more and runs out in his hospital robe whilst resembling Rick Moranis. He calls for a taxi but, wackiness! There is a taxi right there. Griffin Dunne gets in and tells the cab driver to step on it. I feel like if I were a cab driver, having someone tell me to “Step on it!” would be like the waitress version of…something that I can’t think of off the top of my head. But basically, I don’t know that I’d feel the urgency if someone said “Step on it,” with nary a please.

Cab driver: “I’m not supposed to pick up anyone not wearing any clothes,” in a shoutout to my seeing a friend that a cab driver once refused because he was drunk and had blood all over his head. As you do.

A guy with majorly spiked hair shows Madonna various guns.

The cab driver says that Griffin Dunne doesn’t seem like Catherine O’Hara’s type, and then says that he (cab driver) “had her in (his) cab.” Implying that he had sex with her. And Griffin Dunne is all 😮

When Griffin Dunne gets back to his Rolls, people are spray painting graffiti on it and taking stuff from the trunk. Murray is gone! The car phone rings; it’s Daddy, out to eat with Catherine O’Hara and someone else (Mommy?). Griffin Dunne says they missed the bus. Daddy stresses that Madonna needs to be far away from Griffin Dunne and Catherine O’Hara’s wedding that weekend. I’d like to be far away from that wedding, myself.
Meanwhile, the Rolls’s hood gets stolen, and its headlights smashed.

Catherine O’Hara gets on the phone and acts WASPy. A homeless man asks Griffin Dunne for change. Griffin Dunne gets his clothes and shoes out of the trunk and goes upstairs to find Madonna, who is trying to buy pink sunglasses from her gun dealer, who starts shooting when Griffin Dunne comes in. Madonna hits him in the chin with the butt of his gun, and Griffin Dunne asks Madonna if she’s the antichrist. They run up to the roof and the gun dealer chases them. Madonna jumps to the next roof, but Griffin Dunne is all, “I can’t do that” and Madonna is all, “I did it; you can do it.” And then – then – Griffin Dunne says:

“You’re a criminal! I’m a tax attorney!”

And then he says, “Somebody will call the cops.” Madonna goes, “They are the coppppppps,” like MADONNA PLZ JUST SAY ONE LINE IN A NORMAL MANNER THANKS.

Cut to Griffin Dunne and Madonna hiding somewhere. He goes through his appointment book, lest we forget that he is the Greg to Madonna’s Dharma, and Madonna is out of nowhere giving him loving eyes and the lens gets softer on her and Griffin Dunne mentions getting the ring for Catherine O’Hara and suddenly this MEANINGFUL LOVE MUSIC comes on and I am really really nervous about what is to come.

Ugh, as Griffin Dunne calls Madonna a force of nature.

Then Madonna triggers the sprinkler system to distract everyone and so they can make their escape. I guess that was symbolic imagery since she is a force of nature. So she and Griffin Dunne hang out in some kind of rubble as we get backstory where Madonna says she is a thief but not a “moiderer” and says she was framed ‘cause she used to run around with a guy named Johnny who got the goods on someone and long story short, that was Johnny’s body in the trunk of her car. And it is all the fault of someone named Raul.

Madonna begs Griffin Dunne to help her find this Raul who killed Johnny and clear her name, and Griffin Dunne relents, so Madonna is happy.

“We’re a team, (Griffin Dunne)! Lean mean fightin’ machine of a team!” and if the line isn’t annoying enough, Madonna’s choice to deliver it like Phoebe’s friend who sold out for jingle writing, seals the deal.

Here we get Griffin Dunne’s Character Development, as he talks about his love of fencing and being great at it, but his father didn’t approve, and Madonna thinks he means fencing like stolen goods, which was vaguely funny.

Oh God. The love music is back. Madonna says that Griffin Dunne has nice hands and keeps touching his arm, then rubbing his shoulders till he says that he’ll help her, at which point she goes “Haha goody!” and whistles for Murray, who joins them but unfortunately, does not eat them.

New scene with the two plain-clothes cops, whom I shall now refer to as the PCPs in honor of Principal Snyder. Older PCP looks at younger PCP like he’s crazy because his lunch is so fancy.

Madonna eats 700 chicken McNuggets and gives one to Murray.

photo 335825_large.jpg

Madonna gets in a car and holds a gun to two guys in the backseat, one of whom is Raul. Griffin Dunne shows up and she tells him to get in and drive. Oh, these are the bad guys from the opening cartoon – thanks Josh!

So Madonna is demanding that Raul give her the number of Johnny’s safety deposit box. Raul says it doesn’t matter; no one has the key anyway and Madonna says she has the key, oh snap! Griffin Dunne drives the car halfway off the edge of…something. A parking garage? Hard to say, but it’s high up in the air. It kind of looks like that place where John Lithgow took that poor lady in “Dexter.” Anyway, way to be unnecessarily dangerous Griffin Dunne, as there really was no need for such grandstanding. Or parking, as it were.
Madonna and the two guys get out. Griffin Dunne tries but falls out, and swings from the car door. The PCPs watch from below. Younger PCP goes: “Man I’d hate to be way up there like that, hanging on a car door.” Which made me legit LOL.

Cut to Madonna with Raul and the Other Guy. Griffin Dunne gets back somehow, like we do not see Griffin Dunne escape from terrifying odds this time, nor did we see him jump from roof to roof before, and when we do the remake, I would like fewer scenes of Forced Love, and more scenes of Griffin Dunne: Action Hero! Anyway, Griffin Dunne starts fencing not so much with, but at Raul, including on top of the car.

Now Raul is hanging from the car and Griffin Dunne is all, “Give me the number of the box!” And Raul starts to, but Madonna needs Griffin Dunne’s help! Because Madonna is a lot of work. So Griffin Dunne goes and saves her from Other Guy, because for some reason, this big burly dude can’t hold Madonna in a car; she just like stands up, and Griffin Dunne pulls her up out of the sunroof and Other Guy is like “Wow, that girl is a force of nature!” He doesn’t say it, but you know he is thinking it.

And Raul, along with the car, fall off the building into the water.

Madonna/Griffin Dunne in the Rolls. Madonna asks why they can’t go to the bank first. Griffin Dunne responds: “We did one of your things already. We murdered the pimp and the fat man (I don’t know when that second part happened); now it’s time to do one of my things.” Which was pretty funny.

Griffin Dunne says he’s not letting Madonna out of his sight, and Madonna looks high as a kite. [/UNINTENTIONAL RHYME]

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY CAN YOU PLZ STOP SKIPPING, MADONNA >:o

Though the thousandth time of her skipping helped me finally figure out exactly why Madonna is driving me so crazy in this movie, though she does, to be fair, grow in me in a weird way throughout its course. But it is because she reminds me of everything I do not like about Carrie Bradshaw. Now mind you, I am a hater of neither Madonna nor Carrie. But there is a certain synergy of cutesy going on here, that is messing with my brain waves.
Anyhoo, we are transitioning from Madonna-as-grating-psycopath to Madonna-as-misunderstood-girl-who-just-can’t-catch-a-break, as we go to the jewelry store and see the clerks Pretty Woman Madonna, while Griffin Dunne shops for a ring for Catherine O’Hara.

Couple of dudes hotwire the parked Rolls.

Madonna steals some stuff from the jewelry store because “force of nature” translates to “klepto,” and then she picks out a collar for Murray. Then the clerk takes her key for some reason because it’s on the counter and Madonna starts freaking out, saying “Gimme my key!” and it flips into a box and then someone starts taking the box and Porno UPS Guy packs it into a UPS truck. Some guy grabs Madonna and spins her around so everyone can see her ass and the clerk gets a case of the vapors.

photo 175331__girl_l.jpg

We must follow the key! So Madonna steals a guy’s cab by screaming in his face.

But oh-ho, what is this? Raul and Other Guy are alive after all, as they give chase to the limo that they not only managed to get out of the water, but get to this exact place at this exact time and were just so lucky to catch Madonna in between theft and romantic talks with Griffin Dunne.

Oh, the jewelry store was Cartier. Tiffany, Cartier, same diff, I don’t know. Anyhoo, Madonna stole a cigarette case and launches into her theory about how they want you to steal the stuff they keep in the front; that way nobody goes for the diamonds in the back. Because she uses the term “loss leader,” Griffin Dunne looks grossly intrigued.

Catherine O’Hara gives a massage to half-naked Porno UPS Guy, while other women gaze at him and it’s really weird. Griffin Dunne shows up and Catherine O’Hara is all, “This is my bed and kitchen party; you’re not supposed to be here.” Don’t even get me started on the concept that just because one is getting married, that one is entitled to get all touchy with naked people behind their fiancé(e)’s back, because there is NO TIME, as Madonna skips (natch) in, talking with a Southern accent, saying that she is Griffin Dunne’s cousin. The women are all horrified because though they are not above creepy orgies with Porno UPS Guy who is apparently like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen in “Son In Law,” where he lives and works in town, but is also sometimes a stripper, these women are all aghast at the sight of a Woman Who Just Doesn’t Give A Damn.

Griffin Dunne is on the phone to report a missing cat, and tells Catherine O’Hara that the Rolls is stolen. Porno UPS Guy acts like a himbo and I actually LOL.

Madonna opens Catherine O’Hara’s gifts and chats up the girls, who do nothing to stop her. Then when she finds her key (that was in one of the presents), she yells to Griffin Dunne that they need to go and they escape via fire escape.

Griffin Dunne chases the Rolls because it has Murray in it, but Madonna just whistles and Murray comes to them.

Madonna says “not fair!” and slams a car door, for some reason that I honestly do not care about.

Now Griffin Dunne and Madonna and the bus station is closed even though it’s daylight and it’s NYC? Is this true? It doesn’t seem right.

OH SNAP! Griffin Dunne says he knows Madonna’s lying about…something…and goes “Your lips are moving.” They proceed to have a Sam and Diane argument only sans charm because Madonna is basically Charlize Theron in “Arrested Development,” sans charm.
Madonna starts yelling at Griffin Dunne for answering the car phone when Daddy calls. Daddy is fencing in his office with a partner, as you do. Madonna mocks him, shoots her gun in the air, and they drive away.

…

Requisite ‘80s scene of scary white people sitting at a long table, with Griffin Dunne at the end looking uncomfortable. He’s trying to get someone into a cooperative? Madonna? But she is late for the meeting? I feel like I missed a scene, but I didn’t.

Okay, I guess he is trying to get Madonna into an apartment, but she is late for her meeting with this angry lady in a beige suit but in the meantime, where did Madonna go in the first place, that she is away from Griffin Dunne?

Madonna’s in front of this cooperative with Murray and gives Griffin Dunne ‘tude, but then changes clothes, wearing Murray’s collar and Griffin Dunne’s blazer, and into a skirt instead of butt-cheek-showing tutu, in order to appear respectable. Madonna says that Griffin Dunne is “both of Daddy’s hands,” then tells a knock-knock joke, and Griffin Dunne hits her in the arm.

Just when you’re thinking that maybe the universe will swallow this annoying group of people up all in one fell swoop, poor innocent Murray walks in, so of course the scary white people scream, while Madonna pets him. Murray swipes at Griffin Dunne, and this scene is actually kind of funny in that ‘80s way.

“It’s the pimp and the fat man! I thought i killed ’em!” says Griffin Dunne, when he sees them holding Catherine O’Hara and the rest of the ladies hostage. Josh points out that even though Other Guy couldn’t hold Madonna in a limo, he is now harnessing six women. Madonna is just THAT sassy.

photo 214488__055431342531276500500.jpg

“Madonna’s acting like the female Pee-wee Herman in this movie” – Josh

Madonna stomps up to Raul, now wearing no blazer and sporting a shiny black corsety patent leathery top that is pretty cool – I will admit that I do love Madonna’s clothes in this movie! – and she demands that he LET CATHERINE O’HARA GO. Catherine O’Hara goes, “You’re not from Atlanta!” because that’s where Madonna said she was from when she was Griffin Dunne’s cousin, and Madonna gets all worldly and wise when she replies, “No, I’m not,” but then when Catherine O’Hara asks who she is, Madonna replies wearily: “Don’t worry, I’m nobody.” Because she’s all butthurt that the man she lied to, held hostage while she drove insanely, got mixed up with murderous criminals, and worst of all screamed TRIIIICCCCCKKKKKSSS in his face, still wants to marry his fiancée and not her.

photo WhosThatGirl2.jpg

Raul now has Madonna somehow and Josh says it’s like every ‘80s music video on one street. “There’s lawyers; there’s a wedding party, a guy with a switchblade…a megaphone…a delivery driver, someone tied up, and oh yeah! There’s a tiger.”

Everyone screams, because there IS a tiger! Murray’s come to save the day. He roars at everyone and Madonna does a devil-may-care laugh and she doesn’t skip away, but she does run in a twisty manner, while Murray follows her.

Griffin Dunne arrives home. Catherine O’Hara is still tied up but only wants to talk about the wedding!

A Madonna ballad plays in the background that is neither “Crazy for You” nor “Live to Tell,” so I can’t tell you the name of it, but it is about “the look of love.” While the song plays, Griffin Dunne wanders around NYC talking to himself.
photo obrazekphp.jpg
He arrives somewhere and a mustached man smokes a cigar and takes him on a tour around the house. Oh okay, Mustached Man is the guy who bought the “cat.” Griffin Dunne starts to tell the man about Murray, then see that Murray’s already there, and you know for sure that it’s Murray, because he’s wearing the collar! MM says that Griffin Dunne’s fiancée dropped him off. Griffin Dunne’s all, “Fiancee?” and we cut to –

— Madonna’s feet, all fancy in white shoes and as the camera pans up, we see that she is clad all in white, because she may be a Bad Girl, but she is still luminous and Just A Girl At Heart Sometimes. Her hair is done, and she holds a bottle of champagne, while walking in front of a fireplace. She and Griffin Dunne give each other sex eyes.

Madonna has stopped skipping, now that she is an 11th-hour lady, and is instead now moving extra slow and making the cover pose of her “True Blue” album, only for the entire scene, not just one shot. They toast to…I’m not sure what, exactly, but they toast with champagne and I’m getting really scared about the presence of Mustached Man in this sex scene, especially when he says he’s going upstairs and would anyone like to join him and Madonna goes, “You better believe it.”

Madonna sees a rain forest in MM’s backyard, whistles, and goes, “Gee whiz.” Oh, it’s a rooftop greenhouse, to go with his exotic creatures. A monkey lands on Madonna’s shoulder and she goes “He likes me,” and I’m surprised one of her songs doesn’t start playing.

The exotic animals play, and it’s pretty cool. But tame or not, wouldn’t tigers attack the other animals?

Okay…well, there is a random woman in the bushes dressed in skimpy jungle regalia, and she whisks MM off to bed. Wtf.

Madonna runs away and then, uh, comes back? Smiling really weirdly, and talking about how it’s been a long time since she’s had sex – four years. So they kiss.

Cut to Griffin Dunne and Madonna going to get their security box. Madonna smokes a cigarette and keeps talking and talking. But she is quieted when they get to the box and Griffin Dunne says he’s going to marry Catherine O’Hara as scheduled, because he is a douche. The music is very sad and so is Madonna.

PCPs bickering.

The bridal party is tied up in the car and Raul is driving.

Griffin Dunne drops Madonna off at the bus. They act sad, and she gets on the bus for Philly.

We now arrive at the sacred wedding day of Griffin Dunne and Catherine O’Hara. A dude is smoking a cigarette right next to the wedding cake. Murray and his lion girlfriend that he met on the roof are in bows on the band stage.

Griffin Dunne brings the Rolls there, and Mommy freaks out over her car.

Catherine O’Hara stands on top of the staircase and asks Griffin Dunne where he has “bean.” He says he was at his bachelor party.

Bus. Madonna smokes a cigarette and cries. She watches a couple kiss and looks sad. But what is this! Upon opening the envelope from the security box, she sees pics of Daddy with Raul, then a pic of Daddy with Catherine O’Hara, and in a really weird overdub a la Anna Faris’s “Oliverrr” in “House Bunny,” Madonna goes, “(Catherine O’Hara).” So she gets the bus driver to make a u-turn, and everyone following them makes u-turns, as well. Not to be confused with U-Turn from “Weeds,” who’d be a sight for sore eyes at this point.

The wedding itself! Daddy gives away Catherine O’Hara.

The “Chips” cops are back in a scene that is the dialogue part of softcore. They lament over not meeting women when the screaming kidnapped bridal party whizzes by. Obvi, the cops give chase, yet somehow manage to all fall over on their motorcycles whilst following them, and have to hail a cab. Meanwhile, we see UPS Porno Guy driving a truck.

Wedding. Griffin Dunne wears a top hat and round glasses, and looks like the Penguin, but not in a bad way.

Bus. Apparently, Madonna told them all that she forgot it was her wedding day.
Front gate of Catherine O’Hara’s house. Madonna tries to get in by talking to the gate, then climbs over the brick wall to get in. I was legitimately surprised that there were no Dobermans rushing at her, only to be soothed by her Snow White ways.

Screaming bridal party in the limo. They get out at the front gate and try to get in. The PCPs show up; one flashes a badge, and they say they’re the bridesmaids!

A butler lets Madonna into the house.

Same butler lets Raul and Other Guy into the house.

Raul wants his stuff back! Madonna mocks them, then starts to beat them up…?

Wedding. The priest quotes Burt Bacharach.

An elderly neighbor goes to let the bridesmaids in and says that he too, had Catherine O’Hara in his cab.

Raul and Other Guy talk about doing it to Madonna like they did to her boyfriend. Erm.

Murray and his girlfriend show up to save Madonna!

The PCPs come too, saying everyone is under arrest! Madonna laughs and walks away while they arrest Raul and Other Guy.

Another car smashes into some wedding vehicle and it explodes because it is the ‘80s.
Madonna shows up on the balcony overlooking the wedding just when the priest says, “If anyone has reason why these two…” and Madonna says that yes, she has a reason they should not be married – the bride’s father is an embezzler! Griffin Dunne gives his “Who IS this (that?) girl” face, while the guests gasp.

OT: I like Madonna’s monkey purse. It’s actually a nice callback to her mutual love relationship with animals throughout the movie.

photo tumblr_m3m66bVPXk1qkzr9f_1336329516_coverpng.jpg

So that is ONE reason they shouldn’t be married. The second is that “the groom is in love with (Madonna).” The crowd gasps, “No.” Catherine O’Hara says to Griffin Dunne, “Tell me it’s not true,” but not in a hurt-sounding way, and Griffin Dunne goes, “I can’t,” while he and Madonna grin at each other goofily. Daddy says, “(Madonna)’s crazy! Look how she’s dressed!” and Madonna Preens. Catherine O’Hara calls out for Porno UPS guy.
Daddy says that Madonna can’t prove a word. Older PCP is like, yes she can.
photo whos-that-girl-madonna.jpg
Then Daddy draws a sword! Because the most surefire way to defend your innocence is to attack your wedding guests with a sword! The PCPs draw their guns. Daddy knocks the guns into the wedding cake! So Griffin Dunne picks up a sword. He and Daddy fence. The bridesmaids hilariously gasp, “Violence!” in unison, then run away.

UPS Porno Guy says he will take care of Catherine O’Hara, because he’s very muscular.
Madonna tells Griffin Dunne to hurry up; she’s bored and wants to go to Philly.

In the weirdest scene ever to grace the silver screen, the “Chips” Cops go up to the bridesmaids who are still tied up and one cop asks them if they’re together and the bridesmaids get collective PSYCHO face and go “Yeahhhhh!”

Amidst the chaos, the people from the bus, including the drivers, are eating all of the wedding food.

Madonna dances with the band.

Fencing!

Griffin Dunne steps on Daddy’s nuts!

Madonna gives “HA!” number 1, 467 of the movie when Daddy loses, then feeds Griffin Dunne cake.

photo 13014gif.jpg

PCP car. Daddy and Raul are in the backseat, arrested, when the PCPs start making out passionately. Meanwhile, Other Guy is strapped to the roof of the car and between that, the wayward bus, and the essential home invasion orchestrated by Madonna not to mention two rogue lions roaming around, nor that one guy she framed in the record store, I kind of would really like to watch “Who’s That Girl 2: The Lawsuits.”

Now we are on a different bus, or maybe the same one as before because, why not? Madonna and Griffin Dunne are riding together a la “The Graduate,” only with remaining hope (for some reason). Griffin Dunne tells Madonna a knock-knock joke and says, “I love you, (Madonna),” and it is pretty gross, yet he starts to do another one and Madonna tell him to “shut up and kiss me,” so he does, and “Who’s That Girl” the song starts to play as the bus drives away and the lions run behind it.

~ THE END ~

Plus CREDITS! Starting with Madonna making a terrifying face in freeze frame and it’s like the end of “Funny Games!”

photo 1987-madonna-american-film-03.jpg

Posted in AcTING!, Celebrities, Entertainment, Friends, Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night, Miscellaneous, Movies, The '80s, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

New Air

Posted on February 19, 2013 by judisunshine

575605_3557815016542_819683225_nWhen I moved to Colorado two years ago, one of the most healing things about it was the smell of the air. Though two years earlier, the altitude change made me feel sick in cold April, in warm May of 2011, that same change was welcomed. It was a new day, a new era, and I had olfactory proof.

Not to try and sound sexy, but there was a perpetual nosebleed that lasted the better part of my first week living out here. There was also the issue of how I’d never really had to try too hard, to have soft skin, until moving out here. Air’s mad dry.

But by the time I left Colorado to go back to New York after my 2009 visit, I was already missing the air. In the few days I’d been here, despite feeling nauseous and dizzy for the first 24-48 hours, I’d grown to love the crispness of Colorado. And when I moved out here two years later, I think I was more prepared for the altitude adjustment. Rising above it (so to speak) felt like a welcome challenge, to counterbalance the emotional angst of starting over.

“The first thing I noticed when I moved back to New York, was ahhhh, yes – I can breathe again!” said a friend of mine, a native New Yorker who’d lived in Denver for a few years. He went on to talk about how he loves Colorado, but nothing fills his lungs up right, quite like being near the ocean.

Someone else, a regular at the bar where I work who is also from New York, said a few nights ago that he loves to travel, but he is happy every time he steps back out into the Colorado air, because it smells amazing, and feels like home, to him.

Next week, I’m going back to New York for the first time since I left, nearly two years ago. My cousin’s getting married (congratulations Sammy!!!), and I’m going to get to see a whole bunch of family upstate, plus my grandmother and family on Long Island. I’m going to get to see my friends. It’s exciting, a bit overwhelming, and also sad, because Josh can’t come, this time.

And what I’m wondering, is what the air will feel like. Will I breathe it in, and realize like my friend, that my most honest nose and lungs require the ocean? Or will I, like the other guy, eagerly anticipating stepping out into the Denver air when I come back home?

Because no matter what, home is where Josh is, and right now, that means Manitou Springs. And my gut is telling me that I’m going to enjoy my time in New York. I truly miss my family and friends out there, like nobody’s business. I do miss the seaside air, sometimes, especially in the summer.

But John Denver wasn’t lying, about the Rocky Mountain High. I haven’t even left yet, and I’m already looking forward to coming back. Now, if only I could win the lottery so I could have the best of both worlds!

Posted in Apartments & Other Domiciles, Manitou, Miscellaneous, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment