aka Major Movie Star!

From the jump, you know this movie is going to be fantastic, as lots of different fruits are being cut, including an entire kiwi peeled in one swoop a la “Sleepless in Seattle,” and an egg is being boiled, and this is the work of Camille, maid to Jessica Simpson. Camille delivers Jessica’s breakfast to her in bed. Jessica sleeps flat on her back and doesn’t move any covers while she sleeps, just like my friend Shannon. And Jessica says “Peekaboo” to her dog a few times.

Now she is with her friends in curlers and I’m not sure whether she’s shopping, or at some kind of rich people spa, but she is in curlers looking at clothes and it turns out Peekaboo is her dog’s name, and is shopping with Jessica.

There is a creepy daddy figure in a seemingly unintended metastatement, and he is Jessica’s manager. He doesn’t like Jessica’s low-cut black dress and tons o’ makeup and says she is more suited to “Backdoor Blondes” than to represent as America’s sweetheart. He gives her a white dress instead. And we will discuss the concept of big boobs = “trashy” on another day, but I will say that Jessica does always look better to me when she’s more natural. Still, this guy (Nigel) obviously doesn’t think much of women.

The one guy from “Popular” is here as Jessica’s boyfriend and they kiss and it’s all very white, blonde, and bland.

Well what do we have here but Steve Guttenberg! He is Jessica’s agent, and we get a pretty awkward scene where Jessica really wants to star in a Barbra Streisand biopic. Now just for the sake of my own sanity, I’m going to pretend that this is a subversive satire on Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Audrey Hepburn movie. Either way, Jessica pouts a LOT and says maybe she can’t play Babz, but she no longer wants to do talking dog movies.

Movie premiere. Jessica is wearing white and has her hair down but done. She’s toned down the makeup and seriously looks great. Nigel the Misogynist was right about the dress.

Inside the theater, we see Jessica talking to a dog; then it’s over and Wonder Bread Boyfriend has to leave and Jessica is sad.

But about to get sadder, as Steve Guttenberg reveals that Cousin Barry has been stealing from Jessica. I don’t know who Cousin Barry is, but he stole 15 million dollars. All of her investments. She’s going to lose her home! She says she guesses she can live in the guesthouse, and Steve Guttenberg is like that’s part of the house, bimbo.

So Jessica calls up her sister in the middle of the night and her sister Ginny goes no dude, it’s super late, and you never call me so why should I talk to you now? What a bitch!

On top of all the current woe, Jessica catches Nigel the Misogynist and Wonder Bread Boyfriend in bed together! And for some reason they are wearing matching underwear. WBB goes, “What’s the biggie?” and Jessica whispers, “Why?” WBB replies that Nigel the Misogynist said it would be good for his career to date Jessica, so she takes a bottle of champagne and cries in her car.

Now I don’t know if she is drinking the champagne while driving (either way, UNCOOL, Jessica), but it is open on the seat next to her. A raccoon jumps in front of her car; she screeches and swerves, and she and her pink car crash in a convenient ditch of trees that they always have in movies. Her Guide Start car thing starts asking what happened, and Jessica calls it Mr. Start which is pretty funny, but when he says the police are coming, she notices the bottle of champagne dripping down all over the passenger seat, and is like, this is not good. So she just kind of leaves the car with the champagne and drinks it while stumbling around and I’ll tell you right now (SPOILER ALERT!) that never once does this come back to bite her in the ass, like I guess her whole “Maid to Order” personality revision is coming and we’re supposed to see that as her comeuppance, but I REALLY THINK that in real life if “America’s Sweetheart” was wandering around drunk with a crashed car somewhere, the paparazzi just might catch wind of it.

But for now, Jessica has to pee. So she goes into this Army recruiting office.

While there, Jessica is mesmerized by the exciting recruitment videos, and feels as though they speak to her, and she wants it NOW, daddy! And signs up with her beaming smile that will become a plot point soon enough.

No time is wasted, for we are now on a bus and Jessica is passed out in her drunken white dress getup and the girl next to her who is tiny and has huge glasses so I will call her Carol Seaver, recognizes Jessica from her movies and worries that she is dead. But then Jessica wakes up and everyone freaks out and is like, this girl thinks she can join the Army? But meanwhile it’s like, YOU girls think you can? Because this is the saddest bunch of recruits I’ve ever seen.

Everyone out of the bus; it’s boot camp time! Every single girl is completely inept, and it’s actually pretty offensive in that respect, as though this is some kind of Dire Warning about what will happen if women become part of the draft when only these girls sign up for it, and then.

THEN.

There just…it…hold on, I’m detoxing and can’t eat, drink, or smoke, so I need a spicy lemonade for strength. BRB.

Okay see because Jessica sucks at being a soldier, she has to drop and give ten! Ten what, she of course asks. Ten pushups.

Well when I tell you that Jessica Simpson in a strapless dress doing pushups with her hair falling over her shoulders looks kind of naked when you only see her reaction to these pushups, that is not all. The scene is shot from below as if she were a porn star receiving doggie style. For a VERY LONG TIME.

AND HER FATHER PRODUCED THIS!!!

That is not the end of the creepiness though, so I will move on.

Because yay, it’s LANE KIM!!! Amongst the Army girls. Jessica of course is like, “Where’s my room?” and ironically snoozes and loses, at least I think it’s ironic since she loses a prime snooze space and has to take a top bunk.

5 am, rise and shine! For training. Jessica is like I changed my mind, the Army was an impulse purchase and people are like you signed up bitch, now deal! She calls up whining a la Cher Horowitz to Steve Guttenberg that she wants to go home, and as Steve listens to the message, we get this REALLY WEIRD dramatic war slo-mo montage with intense music and Jessica screaming.

Steve Guttenberg tries in vain to rescue Jessica. The Army dude in charge is saying that she signed a contract, yada yada, so she is stuck.

Montage.

And now lunch, with Cheri Oteri showing up to make things more confusing. And we find out Lane may have stumbled onto the wrong set from Stars Hollow, but is still awesome because she wants to grow medical marijuana for a living.

Oh did I mention Vivica A. Fox is in this movie? Yup. She is in charge of the ladies, and something happens with guns and she asks Jessica, “Are you trying to start a discharge?” And Jessica replies, “Ew, no,” and my friend cracks up.

But Vivica does not find it quite so funny, and sentences the whole crew to pushups and since Jessica has all her clothes on, she pouts.

Now we get Cherie Oteri back story, as she calls Jessica “poopy pants” (must have watched “Newlyweds”) and yells that she is here to get her stripes back and that Jessica sucks for making them all do extra work because she is lazy and incompetent.

But it didn’t sink through Jessica, unlike some OTHER things, bam chicka, and we see Jessica late for training and she still has perfect acrylic tips, which, having had acrylic tips back during my disposable-income days, I don’t buy. What I do buy is her flirting with the Sergeant. He’s all conflicted. Sigh.

This part isn’t funny. Carol Seaver’s brother died in Afghanistan, and she wants to make him proud, and it’s genuinely sad and sweet. So Jessica gets inspired, and tries her hardest in a drill, and makes it to the top of the tower with the other girls, but OH NO, she has forgotten her rifle down below! As a result, the group gets punished yet again and has to run in place in the rain, rifles overhead, and chant that they’ll never be without their rifles.

FAIL again, as Jessica falls in the mud and is dismissed.

And while her poor fellow soldiers are stuck with Jessica’s punishment, Jessica gets to flirt with Sergeant of Love some more. He asks her why she seems to believe she’s going to fail, and they bond in the rain. All inspired from the testosterone, Jessica comes back and runs despite being dismissed, as IF Chef Ramsay would even allow that, much less the United States Army, but no matter because this is Jessica’s Journey, and thunder claps over the classical music.

It’s nice that everyone here has her reasons for joining the military, but it’s rather annoying that NONE of the women seems to have just wanted to join…to join. I don’t personally want to be in the military, but plenty of vagina-bedecked people do it just to serve, not only for acceptable “female” reasons. Carol Seaver is one thing; hers is military-related. The rest of the girls just seem as though they just were like, well I guess the military. Sure, why not?

Speaking of Carol Seaver, she totally just left her gun like, lying on a bunk bed, but Jessica covers for her and also mouths off to Vivica. So Vivica sentences her to cleaning the bathroom with a toothbrush and Jessica responds actually kind of awesomely and is all sassy but this time it kind of works.

Jessica imitates Vivica, and then…Joe Pesci. And the less said about that, the better. But bottom line is, she is teaching Carol Seaver to be assertive, and I’m not gonna lie – I love Carol, she is totally adorable!!! And is apparently in “High School Musical.”

Now we have Jessica cleaning the bathroom and it’s kind of annoying that she just starts in the middle of the floor; I mean I know she is pampered, but still. Here she bonds with Connie, who has a daughter she is doing this for and she needs to go back to school and Jessica talks about her sister and learns an Important Lesson About Family when Connie says “In the end…(family’s) all you’ve got.” First of all, that’s not true. Second of all, seriously, that is the line? Okay.

Now she is bonding with Castillo, who was called a “gang chick” by somebody, but here she is showing her sensitive side because y’all know how we women like to bond in the bathroom. No, seriously.

Now Jessica is writing a letter to someone named “Dolores,” and we conveniently switch to a mail room scene, where Jessica’s fan mail is considered contraband, and Cherie Oteri has no mail 😥

Training! But with lots of cameras! The paparazzi has found out that not only is Jessica there, but she does doggie-style pushups, to boot!

Andy Milonakis lurks around. Obviously.

Now we get an Uplifting Montage of Triumph, only…yeah. Jessica takes all the knapsacks  and twirls down a pole with her legs. Mm-hm. Turns out her first role was as a “stripper with a heart of gold,” and the Army leader dude makes a mental note to go to Blockbuster, only I have to say that Blockbuster is more like a rummage sale now than a reliable video store.

Girl bonding that leads to a dance montage where Jessica shows off more stripper moves.

This is the transition in the movie where Jessica learns that there is more to life than manicures and fame. Or something. Not that it stops her and all the other girls in her unit (is that the right term?) from running with their hair down, and seriously I was distracted by this movie’s being a LOT less horrible than you’d think, in a strange way, but this is harshing on my elation buzz. An ENTIRE group of Army girls who run with their hair down? I don’t even run with my hair down when I’m jogging around the neighborhood!

Okay. Are you ready for more creepiness? Because I wasn’t. I mean, I was ready for some creepiness, but not…

See, they’re all in their bunk beds bonding, and talking about having PMS and wanting comfort food. So Jessica steals Cherie Oteri’s keys to the mess hall (?) or some closet that has food, and it gets very “Indian Summer,” and I’m seriously and truly pissed about this whole “the power of Barbie compels you” attitude about the freaking Army, my God, and they get past a guard dog because Jessica did that one talking dog movie (okay…)

And they get chocolate bars, which they proceed to fellate, and I don’t just mean the usual “Oh aren’t I cute with my lollipop; what do you MEAN blow job (* eye bat *) bit, I mean they are full-on SLOBBERING over these things and rubbing them on their faces.

^^^Amirite?!^^^

Oh and I forgot to mention that this is accompanied, in fact, by bamp chicka wow wow music…

…which gets interrupted by Cherie Oteri, the one woman semi-resembling a responsible soldier, but that pesky extra X chromosome of hers means she certainly can’t resist CHOCOLATE, and she too gets down with a chocolate bar and the music kicks back in and the girls resume their sub-par candy eating skills.

After the awkwardness subsides, they sit around and bond and Jessica admits that her boyfriend was sleeping with her manager, and she is broke, but for the first time is her own person and she has real friends and it’s cheesy but sweet, and I temporarily forget that they really should have been caught by now. Oh and she’s gotten some mail from a “Dolores” that makes her triumphant, but why, I don’t know.

Oh here’s why. Dolores sent a videotape of Vivica Fox in a horror movie. Never mind the fact that Vivica outranks them and is doing her job by attempting to whip their asses into shape; she dared to insult JESSICA and so must be humiliated.

A tabloid-type magazine comes out and Jessica is busted, having called the other soldiers trailer trash, etc. The article also says that Jessica was just doing research for a movie, not really in the Army, and the girls all feel betrayed.

But lo, what is this but Steve Guttenberg, come to spring Jessica from chocolate orgies and fail! They conveniently caught Barry in Amsterdam (hope he said hi to Caroline!), and got Jessica’s money back! Woo freaking hoo! And they are running with the “This was for a movie” angle.

Jessica is home, so of course we need a montage of her all lonely, then we see her taking a morning jog, and I’m surprised they had her in a bra for this scene.

But the jog fills her with resolve, as she now fires one of her underlings and I wonder if it was like her friend from “Newlyweds” who used to creepily seem all up in Nick Lache’s business, but either way Jessica manages to give one of the weirdest line deliveries ever in the history of cinema when she squeaks, “I never really wanted to work for you anyway!” and it sounds exactly like the time I was in a play and we were rehearsing and I was shooting for sassy but apparently sounded like “Shirley Temple,” as my director put it, except they just went with the first take I guess here, and she swivels away.

Nigel the Misogynist is fired! And Jessica wants a new accountant! And never again will she be told not to look like a whore at a movie premiere, or what movie she will do or not do, and she wants to sign off on every monetary transaction, and that’s actually pretty cool.

Jessica leaves and goes back to the Army, and Sergeant of Love nods all knowingly and Vivica welcomes her back instead of kicking her ass, and now they have to go into the woods and rescue a wounded soldier as a drill. While in the woods, Cherie Oteri is like “What what, Army Barbie?” and Jessica drops a map.

So of course the girls are pissed at her but Jessica’s like, “Whatever bitches, deal; do you not see how white my teeth are and how effortlessly I furrow my brow?” And they’re all like yeah, you’re right, and cooperate…

…until they realize the map is gone! And Castillo is like screw YOU are you KIDDING me, as she should be, but Carol Seaver defends Jessica and Jessica has the unmitigated gall to say, “Listen girls, let’s focus!” Because nothing is better than a flaky leader who treats you like a hotel, and she is like, Lane, you always had your hand up in all our Navigation classes (WHAT classes? When was THIS?), can’t you do something? And it’s really good that Jessica has learned her lesson about making all her epic fails someone else’s problem, but luckily Keiko Agena is awesome no matter the source material, and she helps them all out.

Cut to Cherie Oteri ruling with an iron fist, and she starts talking about how her ex left her for a chick with some fake boobs.

Now each girl gets to have a line about her racial background and it’s about as deep and non-stereotypical as “Diversity Day” on “The Office.”

Okay, I don’t remember why, exactly, the soldiers need fish. Maybe the wounded soldier is hungry. But…but…I really don’t want to write this part…Jessica tells a story about how her daddy taught her when she was a little girl that peeing in the water will attract fish. And then we see her pissing in the ocean. And between this, the stripper pole, the doggie-style pushups, and the chocolate gangbang, I am really, REALLY worried about exactly who is out there buying this DVD.

Speaking of which, Jessica is now on all fours, and this time a guy actually says “doggie style.” Sometimes, I wish I dropped acid. Or had some regular acid to throw in my eyes and ears.

Here we have the pinnacle scene from every rich-girl-goes-poor-but-uses-being-spoiled-to save-the-day movie from the ‘80s, as Jessica flags down a car and gets directions from this car’s “Mr. Start” as to the quickest route possible.

Well, the quickest route involves alligators. Or crocodiles, I never know. But I think alligators. And the girls go through a swamp. We know this because, well you see, they come up in unison from under the swamp water (???) and Jessica leads in slo-mo as military music plays.

Now they are climbing on beams and why is this necessary, well I’ll tell you why, so that Jessica can do more pole moves and say “Peekaboo” even though her dog is totally not there, and their team wins.

Victory. Smiles. Clapping. Chest bumps.

The guy in charge gives a moving speech and makes them all soldiers and tells Carol Seaver that her brother would be proud and she cries, and that part, I have absolutely no sarcasm for. It is very sweet.

And they all receive gold coins with stars on them.

Fast-forward! To all of the girls wearing new uniforms. Jessica salutes Vivica and Vivica gets a glimmer of respect, despite all of Jessica’s assholery.

Graduation ceremony, or I think that is what it is, and families are reunited. Everyone is proud. That part is nice until Castillo slaps her boyfriend then hugs him, lest we miss any opportunity for double standards between the genders.

Sergeant of Love watches Jessica reunite with her sister, now that she has learned the Important Lesson About Family. The sister does not apologize for being such a bitch on the phone, and does not say, “Thank God you are not dead;” she just says, “I really appreciated your letters.”

Cherie Oteri makes nice with Jessica out of nowhere, and Jessica asks to hug her, and Cherie says no, she is reserved for another Army dude with whom she is going to have sex.

Sergeant of Love is waiting behind a tree for Jessica, and gives her respect. He’s going to Iraq. And rather than question the sudden disappearance of yet another guy in a career that might benefit from a long-distance “girlfriend,” Jessica kisses him and the music swells and my friend cracks up. As she walks away, Jessica tosses Sergeant of Love her gold coin and says she expects it back…

…as she gets on her…helicopter…and as my friend yells at the TV, “WHY is she getting a helicopter escort? To fucking WHERE???”

True that.

Annnnnd, credits.

~ THE END ~