Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 13: Impact Point

SYNOPSIS: The only thing that Kelly Reyes (Melissa Keller) has ever thought about is playing beach volleyball. Until one day when a mysterious reporter named Holden (Brian Austin Green), comes into her life and strange events start to happen to her, as well as the people around her. As Kelly becomes skeptical of Holden, she must maintain focus on what has always been essential to her and play beach volleyball at her highest level. Is she being paranoid, or is there something darker to this mystery man? This sexy and obsessive thriller will keep you begging for more.

Amazing. Obviously. Kelly is the blonde of the cover art, and the confusing thing about her is that she is much classier looking than you’d expect, as far as these things go, and based on the cover and description. She kind of looks like a cross between Ali Larter and that chick everyone was really excited about on one of the “Star Treks” who went on to star in an insufferable Kirsten-in-AA subplot on “The O.C.” Kelly looks like that. She also looks about 20 years older than…

…Jen her rival! Who okay, first scene it’s really awkward, ’cause it’s this montage of chicks playing volleyball, and Jen’s bikini bottom says something on it, which I know because they will NOT stop doing close-ups of it, and meanwhile they keep having the girls do the most hilarious dives, not even as if it’s supposed to be porn, so much as it feels like unused stills from a Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar shoot, only instead of things being sexy, they are awkward.

So anyway, Kelly and her partner lose, despite this being a beach volleyball movie and their having boobs. Jen and her partner win, and we get that they are very bitchy, because Kelly stares off into the distance, dreams shattered. But of course her spirit will keep on keeping on, and we know this because she has a strong jaw.

PhotobucketMeanwhile, we get a pointless scene to establish that Kelly’s partner is useless anyway, since she fits right in at the smoky blue trendy bar-club-whatever-people-do-to-feel-glamorous-while-paying-20-dollars-for-whatever-annoying-martini-chicks-are-drinking-nowadays place. Oh, Kelly’s partner’s name is Samantha. Don’t forget that. Or you totally can, because her entire point (1A) is to show that although Kelly is also hot and can wear a cocktail dress, she is much deeper and full of goals and emotions, whereas Samantha just wants to flirt with the nearest boys full of mousse who wax their eyebrows. Actually, that was really a pretty realistic scene, sociologically.

So because she is deep, Kelly goes for a walk on the beach, and here is where I’d like to ask all of you to pick up your copies of The Gift of Fear and turn to page one. Then read along, because this movie is a classic example of what can happen when you don’t read that book. I’m not even kidding.

Anyway, here is Brian Austin Green, all shady, lurking around the beach. He says he is a sports reporter, and that Kelly’s team should have won. Why, I don’t know. Kelly’s team sucked, and the other team didn’t. That should be a warning bell. But Kelly is all taken with Brian Austin Green because although he is creepy, he isn’t smugly grimacing the entire time like he did for the last four or five seasons of “90210.” And Kelly agrees to be interviewed at some (impact?) point.

PhotobucketNext thing you know, Diana, Jen the rival’s partner, is dead, killed in a hit and run, and we are at her funeral. But no time to waste, as Samantha fulfills her point (1B) as she bucks up Kelly and tells her to go take dead Diana’s spot and be Jen’s partner. And she actually says that Kelly can’t spend her life “slingin’ hash in (her) dad’s restaurant.” At which point I hooted and hollered, because that is a great thing to say.

Appropriately enough, we go from Diana’s funeral to a gratuitous scene of Kelly getting dressed as though she is in not a dirty movie, but a razor commercial.

Bar. Kelly is here to interview with Brian Austin Green, whose name is Holden.

And Kelly orders a “vodka rocks, lots of lime,” pissing me off greatly. Not, as you might think, for the “lots of lime” part, because she IS in a bar and asks nicely, but for leaving out “on the.” Is this a California thing? Either way, it is highly annoying. If I were bartending and someone asked me for “vodka rocks,” I don’t know what I’d do.

Here is Holden, and HE orders “Scotch rocks,” and continues to Gift of Fear Kelly by a) ordering Scotch, and b) continuing to be an overinvested, over-familiar creepbag. Kelly notices his wedding ring, and Holden says his wife died.

PhotobucketThen there is perhaps the weirdest scene known to man, as they walk on the beach and Holden shows Kelly this heart carved in the wood of…I don’t know, whatever those pillars all around beaches in California shows/movies are. Inside the heart, it says “Frank and Kelly” and Kelly explains that Frank was her first boyfriend and she let him touch her boob and then Holden says “boobie” and I say “What the fuck” and Kelly doesn’t seem concerned that this dude dug up this heart to begin with and is REALLY obsessed with her 13-year-old romance of yore.

But because Holden is just that charming(?), Kelly takes him to her dad’s restaurant of aforementioned hash-slinging. She exposits that her dad died and Holden charmingly tells her that it doesn’t count as much as having a dead wife, so she invites him back to her apartment to drink beer, at which point Holden goes – and I am totally serious:

“Is Kelly Reyes inviting Holden Gray up to her apartment?”

Okay. NOW. Leaving The Gift of Fear out of this for a moment, leaving even the “Scotch rocks” aside, and the creepy use of the word “boobie” totally out of context, and even ignoring the fact that Holden is one of those dudes who refuses to wear a tie with his shirt and jacket. I still would have kicked Holden’s butt to the curb for a) speaking of himself in the third person, and b) treating me like I was a New Kid on the Block and he was a 13-year-old girl in 1989.

And can I just say, what is up with movies and TV, how people always like sway around and say “This is it” when they get back to their place, as though they are introducing a brand-new baby to the world?

They kiss. Naturally.

And a shady character comes and there is a chase scene! And Holden hurts his knees! And Kelly does the weirdest run EVER, like this uber-convoluted way to get her chest to bounce as she runs over to Holden on the ground, kind of like a caveman. So it’s supposed to be hot, but it is too weird.

Now…oh man. I don’t know how to revisit this traumatic event right now. But I must. It is the “seduction” scene. What this basically means is that Kelly sort of growls at Holden, and then like, rides on top of him, but everyone’s clothes are on! And she goes from 0 to orgasm in 5 seconds flat! Seriously, the most confusing sex scene I’ve ever witnessed, and I don’t even know if there was sex involved. But I will say that Kelly’s dress is pretty nice.

Well, maybe they didn’t have sex; maybe Kelly is just super excitable, because now they are going to a bedroom. But you want to hear something great? Holden goes, “Did I show you my room yet? No? What was I thinking?” and he’s all panting away. Now, my problem with him here is not the bizarre dialogue meant to be sexy; it is that…

…THEY ARE AT HER PLACE!!!

This movie is so awesome.

Uh oh, it’s some white-collar guys, come to make trouble. They are detectives, turns out, so not as bad as, say, the developers in “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo,” as far as these things go. There is a Good Cop and a Bad Cop, and the Good Cop is very dreamy in that Cinemax-late-at-night-lawyer-type way. His name is Ed, but that totally does not fit him at all. I shall call him Blake. Blake explains that they are looking into the disappearance of Holden Gray.

Dum dum dummmm!

PhotobucketThere is a 20-minute long scene where Kelly is like “I just saw Holden; he’s not missing,” and Blake is like, “Oh yeah?” and Kelly gets all coy and bizarre and smiles nostalgically, saying, “He made me breakfast.” But Blake shows Kelly a picture of real, missing Holden who is not Brian Austin Green at all, and I am really hoping that Kelly made Holden use a condom. But my hopes are quite low.

And Kelly acts afraid by clenching and unclenching her jaw, moving it all around, during which time she has this AWESOME montage of flashbacks to Holden and their moments of great passion. And then we’re at Kelly’s place, and she lives in one of those “Sleeping with the Enemy” homes, where you can see everyone’s business from outside.

Blake hits on Kelly and she rebuffs him ’cause although she has a huge chest, and although she just had sex with Holden no matter how creepy he was, Kelly is Sassy and Just As Badass As Any Man. Plus, the volleyball finals are coming up, and that is ALL that matters!

I must point out that despite the rebuffing, Kelly sure is pouting out her lips a lot, and is wearing that gloss you always see in sexy ads but can never find in real life that make your lips look like wet glass.

And Blake is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, but like a muted, understated Hawaiian shirt, and I have NO idea what to make of all that. But he is telling Kelly to get out of Dodge or she will be Holden’s NEXT VICTIM 😮 and Kelly is like NO, she is a volleyball player, and that is her life!

Now Kelly is playing volleyball on the beach with Jen and Jen’s boyfriend Matt, who looks like a cross between that dude from “CSI” and the flying asshole on “Heroes.” And so, riddle me this, please. They are ostensibly there to trap Holden, yet they don’t notice him sitting right there, or as my friend yelled at the screen:

“The douchebag under the big blue umbrella! The only dude on the beach!”

Photobucket

Which is all true. And Kelly’s bikini is green with white polka dots and bows to indicate that she is Still Virtuous.

And because they can’t spot Holden despite his being three feet away, the volleyball friends drop all pretense of playing and bolt, like very nice job there, people.

I’ve got to hand it to Holden, he moves very fast, with his binoculars, and webcam set up in Kelly’s place as she goes home and slo-mo blows a fan in her face and waves her head all around, because, guys, it’s true. When we ladies are single and living alone, we love nothing more than to strip slowly and walk around in slow motion and pose. “Impact Point” is just calling us on it.

Holden spies and obsesses.

Here is one of the more brilliant scenes in the movie, as everyone who watched it in the first place because it looked a step away from softcore porn goes “FINALLY,” because we get a shower scene with Kelly crying and (unintentionally, ’cause, spycam) showing Holden her ass. But you could think, maybe it’s not as gratuitous as it seems, because that is really creepy, Holden getting all turned on while Kelly cries.

Holden calls Kelly on the phone, saying a lot of BS, and awesomely uttering the phrase, “Why does anybody do anything?” Which is really one of the stupidest things people say, in general.

So Holden tells Kelly he wants to be with her. Swoon! Holden says he’s coming over and Kelly grabs a knife, while Holden watches on the spycam.

Oh for crying out loud. Here begins a scene that will lather, rinse, repeat for the entire movie, and I’m only recapping it once. Basically it is that scene in every Lifetime® movie where No One Believes Her, and not to say that doesn’t happen, because it does, but if it is happening during “Impact Point,” I want it to be cheesily entertaining! Not one boring scene over and over! So anyway, this is the scene: Kelly’s like, “Why don’t you believe me,” and Blake is like, “You should leave town.”

Okay, now the volleyball friends are trying to trap Holden. Kelly is wearing a string bikini to play athletic volleyball and they play halfheartedly, don’t see Holden, and just leave. Nice cover, guys.

But now, here is Holden, trying to kill Kelly! Or love her! Who knows! And she runs like a video game character, like I’m playing “Grand Theft Auto” but trying not to steal any cars, so Niko runs a lot of places, and it is exactly how Kelly runs. She strips off her clothes as she runs (as you do), and now Holden gets all threatening and finally she screams, and the cops give chase and no one believes her again, some more.

Now Holden kills a dude and I’m not going to lie, I don’t know who that dude was supposed to be, but he is dead, regardless.

Uh-oh! Holden confronts Matt, the “CSI”/”Heroes” dude! He breaks Matt’s leg and beats him really badly with a cop baton, takes his picture, and leaves the camera.

And with their ever-impeccable timing, the cops show up right as Holden runs away.

PhotobucketHospital lobby. Jen – oh I forgot to mention, Jen played Maureen on “Freaks and Geeks,” sealing my love, then played Johnny’s girlfriend on “The O.C.,” unsealing my love because that subplot was interminable, then showed up in a Clean & Clear commercial that you’ve probably all seen. Anyway, she is very sad about Matt, and talks about how much she luvs him, and so Kelly hugs Jen and comforts her and it’s sweet until Jen starts FREAKING out, screaming, “YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE!” and I am laughing.

Spycam. Kelly lies on her bed. Riveting. The phone rings, and Holden wants “a fucking thank you” for killing Diana. But because he doesn’t get one, he instead is going to kill Kelly on Labor Day in front of everyone at the volleyball match.

So of course the next logical step is for her to sit on a deserted beach with Jen and say she’s gonna quit. Jen is like, “If he steals your goals and dreams what’s left” and she wants to make Matt proud. Kelly agrees to play, and they hug, only this time Jen doesn’t freak out and scream at Kelly.

Lots o’ security for the big Labor Day volleyball game! But oh-ho-ho, what is this! Holden is there as part of it! He is a cop named Nick! All the cops are in some room looking at a picture of Kelly, and it is amazing, because not only is it a full-body shot of her in a bikini, but she is wearing sunglasses, like, no wonder this police force is such a mess with their inappropriate Blakes, and douchebag Bad Cops, and murdering stalkers Trojan Horsing the force. They can’t even get it together enough to find a picture of Kelly’s FACE.

Now there is drama under the bleachers, as Holden…watches the game. But the music is ominous. And can I just say there are a LOT of dramatic under-bleacher scenes in Hollywood.

And now we get about half an hour of people playing volleyball, and they expect me to care when I don’t even care about real volleyball. And my friend is saying that they’re reusing the same footage within the same scene.

And Holden is still under the bleachers, like, forever, for no apparent reason because now he is brandishing a knife and moving towards the field. And because Kelly has still not picked up a copy of The Gift of Fear, it is only now that she starts to get creeped out.

Kelly and Jen win! But oh no! Despite the fact that a celebrity volleyball player has had her life publicly threatened and is scheduled to be murdered at that very game, nothing can squelch the power of Sports Magic, and everyone rushes the field.

And fucking Kelly, man, annoying and useless as ever, just like, stares at BAG with his knife and 90-pound Jen has to defend this woman twice her size and twice her age, and gets stabbed by Holden.

PhotobucketMONTAGE! Exciting music. Paramedics helping Jen. Plot structure eerily reminiscent of the book version of I Know What You Did Last Summer. Blake Making It Personal.

Hospital again. Blake tells Kelly that Jen’s in Intensive Care. So they go back to Kelly’s place, of course, for that is not only deeply appropriate, but very safe.

Hey, remember before, when I was like, maybe you could make an argument for Kelly’s shower scene’s not being completely gratuitous, since it was to highlight Holden’s sadistic tendencies? Well, scratch that, because here we get her butt multiple times which is all sort of awkward, because the timing is just really WEIRD; I mean I basically expected this movie to be a big ball of T&A cheesiness (um, ew), but it really wasn’t. It was like this Lifetime movie that every now and then acted like it was supposed to be erotic, only that just came out in really bizarre ways, like now with Kelly’s butt and half-boob. The only possible explanation I can find is that we are maybe supposed to believe she’s going to die now, due to the rules of “Scream.”

Holden calls the house, and Blake answers. Blake realizes Holden is watching, and is Nick the Cop. Holden actually says, “It takes one to know one.” Holden should feel lucky that he’s ever gotten laid in his entire life. Holden inside the house. Holden shooting Blake in the shoulder.

PhotobucketAnd Kelly is STILL in the shower. She gets out, and BAG holds a knife to her. You think all is lost, until she shoots him! Then goes back to being a cliché and cries over Blake instead of calling an ambulance or something.

But none of this matters, because now we have a montage! Volleyball beach! Jen and Kelly are a team once more, but now they are BFFs! And here is Matt, not bludgeoned to death, but on crutches, with a scrape on his nose! Kelly and Jen high five and test out their awesome new catchphrase, “No apologies!” Because that has everything to do with everything! And I guess we just never get to find out what happens to Blake, last seen bleeding on the floor!

~ THE END ~

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Celebrities, Entertainment, Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night, Movies, Romance and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s