My brother recapped it first! Click here for his take, and awesome site in general!
We begin with an extensive montage, where everything that you remember from the mid-’80s flashes across the screen in lots of color! Boomboxes! Fashion! Dancing! And a song that goes, “I believe in the beat! I believe in the way I feel!” So you know what you are in for, overall. And I’m pretty excited. 1984 was a fun time, and I always loved watching breakdancing. When I was in fourth grade, these fifth grade boys in my school used to breakdance every lunch, and everyone would watch. They were really good. The leader’s name was Derrick and I had a crush on him. Ah, nostalgia.
Sorry, I’m procrastinating, because the montage is over, and The Acting Begins. There’s this chick with fluffy short brown hair that made everyone in that time look way older than they were, and she is wearing a pink bumblebee costume, and a guy in an updated version of that blue you never see anymore. This dude is Stanley, and he is an agent to this girl, who is named Kelly. She doesn’t know what she wants; she just knows she doesn’t want another chorus line. You see, she is a performer who is conflicted about…what, is never made super clear, but definitely about something, from time to time, throughout the film. And I am thinking that I really would like to see a movie with Debbie, and CC, and Kelly, all together. Preferably something super dramatic. That would be awesome.
Now Kelly’s uber-WASP parents are upset about her life choices, and it’s amazing. Kelly is giving a speech about how it is “(her) life, Dad.” And she doesn’t want to go to Princeton, or act anymore. Or maybe she does. Or maybe she doesn’t. And I start sympathizing with the parents a little, because I would probably want to ship Kelly 3,000 miles away if I were them, too.
Now Kelly is looking with yearning at a photo of her and two dudes, and it’s like that one scene in “Dead Man’s Party” (“Buffy” Season 3, episode 2) where Buffy looks nostalgically at a picture of her, Xander and Willow, only this time, no zombie cat leaps out of hiding.
So Kelly goes to see the boys from the picture, and they live in the most colorful place in the world, and I really want a place like theirs. The guys are Ozone, who is wearing a yellow cut-off shirt, and Turbo, clad all in red, and rocking some impressive curly hair. Ozone has curly hair too, but it’s in a ponytail and I think it’s one of those extreme mullets, where the party in the back is really just there to be in a ponytail.
So now that we know who the three leads are, let’s move on to tons of people clapping and cheering to see Kelly, coming out from the woodwork just to say hi to her for some reason. Things get so freaking joyous, that this one moustached guy starts rapping, and it is the most obvious lip syncing I’ve seen since [INSERT TIRED REFERENCE OF CHOICE].
Everyone starts dancing, and I do mean everyone. The people already mentioned, but also the mailman! And others in the town! And now there are mats in the street for no reason so people can dance at the bottom of the hill in the road which seems super dangerous to me!
Ohhh, the Dancing Dudes are coming down the mountain all together and going to see a band play. And there is a young cute girl singing in Spanish and flirting from the stage. Ozone sees this and gets really jealous, because Ozone is a little bit in love with Turbo.
Now they are at the community center that Turbo and Ozone volunteer for, called Miracles. And Kelly meets Byron, who runs the center, and [SPOILER] Byron is the best actor in the movie by FAR. [/SPOILER]
This center is amazing, and I totally want to hang out there. There is boxing, and music, and dancing of course. Ozone dances, and his cut-off belly top and turquoise parachute pants are really stressing me out, especially since he is staring directly into the camera.
Maybe I wouldn’t want to hang out at the community center after all, if I had to deal with mimes. Which apparently, I would.
Oh no! Developers! And you know what that means – the community center is in trouble. Sure enough, this one white-haired mean dude is all adamant building a shopping center, like he is obsessed. And there is a bald dude with glasses there for I guess comic relief or something. Also a construction worker who’s wandered in from the set of a porno.
Meanwhile, Ozone and Kelly bond and he tries to get her to teach dance and then we get another dance montage, and Kelly’s hair is reminding me a lot of Ralph Macchio’s hair in “The Karate Kid II.”
Now here is this lady who is sensitive, though she has power. She is overseeing the deal, and expresses concern for the kids in the community. The bald guy’s like, “Well they still have their club, Audiotron.” And Sensitive Lady seems appeased. Also because the building is about to be condemned since Miracles needs 200,000 dollars to fix itself up. I don’t remember when we find this out, so I figured I’d just tell you now.
Cut to said Audiotron, and it’s so nice that Bald Dude wants all the little kids to go hang out at this club, which is fine, but not for kids-kids. Anyway, there is a live band, and these two girls are not happy to see Kelly.
OMG. There is a rival dance group and they go by the name “Electrorocks” – tough! – and they are here to show off their red and black twisty headbands and get in the Miracles’ faces because “Electros rule the dance floor now, sucka.”
But then speaking of tough, Kelly yells out, “Come on you guys, let’s turn these fools out.” And it is amazing. So Ozone lunges at ElectroDude but people separate them. Intrigue!
And thank God, Ozone is now wearing a full shirt while he tells Byron that they have to try to save Miracles. Byron listens, and he, Ozone, Turbo, and Kelly all plead with Sensitive Lady to help. She’s like, well if you can raise the money to get your place non-condemnable, that could work! And they are like, yay! Let’s go raise 200,000 dollars! And I feel like it is South Shore Christian School all over again!
So now there is breakdance…fighting? The rivals are like, just sort of dancing AT each other and making the most bizarre faces. Then they bust out the nunchucks, but don’t use them to hit each other, just wave them around like those ribbons gymnasts sometimes use.
So they’re all dancing, and it’s like a makeout party ’cause whereas everyone starts out mingling and equal-opportunity, now the lyrics in the background talk about how it’s time to go one-on-one, so they do and the ladies are hilarious. The chick who hates Kelly, and Kelly herself try to look badass and it’s incredible. Then Ozone makes the CRAZIEST faces you’ve ever seen. And the Miracles people win and it’s like, but why? What were the criteria? How was this decided? And also, what the hell just happened???
The construction people are back taking pictures and dashing kids’ dreams, as Byron and everyone come out and yell at the guys for being there, and Ozone totally charges at MeanDude but gets held back again and someone should really probably tell Ozone to stop ruining it for their cause because it’s not like he even seems badass.
And Byron assures the little kid that that man will not take away Miracles, so now Ozone and Turbo are trying to figure out a plan.
Chick from before who hates Kelly and is named Rhonda. Remember in the early-mid ’80s, when Hollywood was obsessed with having characters named Rhonda? Anyway, Rhonda gets all up in Ozone’s face about Kelly and Ozone is like, “Listen Crazy, (he and Rhonda) were over a long time ago, and you have no claim to me, I don’t have to answer you about Kelly!” And Rhonda YELLS at him to “STAY AWAY FROM THAT GIRL!”
Band with the cute chick is playing again, and she is all about Turbo, flirting at him wildly and Turbo is like, aw, shucks.
Then things take a bizarre turn, as Turbo is coyly asking Ozone if he thinks Turbo looks like a stud, and has sex appeal, while Ozone is sulking like a girl in that “turn and face the wall” kind of way, only there is no wall. But then Turbo explains that he needs girl advice, and Ozone is SUPER excited about this turn of events.
So Ozone “schools” Turbo. There is awkward stage business involving a biker chick doll. Ozone teaches Turbo to ask a chick about her eyes, and then dances with the doll and really Ozone should never give romantic advice to anyone.
And this is intercut with scenes of Ozone dancing with Kelly, then Cute Chick, then Turbo dancing with Kelly, then cute chick, then Kelly again. At last, Ozone and Turbo dance together.
Now Kelly is dressed like an S&M stripper and dancing all around and it’s really dirty, like way to save the kids this way, Kelly…
…who is now talking to Stanley The Agent, and Stanley is getting all jealous about Ozone, but saying it’s ’cause of Kelly’s awesome career and stuff.
Kelly’s parents and their dog are by the pool and the mom is aerobicizing on a mat and the dad has a tennis racket and sweater around his neck and there is a stationary bike and a rowing machine and THANKS, Movie, they are very, very ’80s white, I get it.
Kelly and Ozone hold hands and stroll through a park 30 seconds after Kelly said there was nothing between them and she invites him to dinner and he hates rich people and doesn’t want to use Kelly to get the money for Miracles, but she says it’s okay to use her, because Kelly represents sexual deviance for a higher cause.
Here is Derrick, oh yeah back in the really boring scene with the ‘rents earlier, the parents were all, “Why can’t you go be with that nice boy Derrick” and Kelly was like, “NO MOM NO DAD HE’S A NERD” and to be fair, he is wearing a bow tie for no discernible reason; however, if you’re going by awkward-dinnerwear choices, I think Ozone’s sleeveless leather vest with the popped collar should not be discounted in the equation.
So yeah, Derrick is there as a shoutout to the breakdancing dude in my old school, and the dad comes downstairs and totally ignores Ozone and Turbo, going straight to Derrick. Ozone and Turbo make fun of Derrick, and it’s funny.
They dine. Turbo is skeeved by the lumpy red mess set before him, and I don’t blame him one bit.
Oh, and we are supposed to believe that Kelly’s mom cooked all this, when not only would I not believe that to begin with, but we totally just saw her working out by the pool just a few minutes before.
And Turbo finds a little squid in his soup and feeds it to the cat, in what may be the most awesome scene in the entire movie.
Now the subject of Miracles arises, and Kelly “subtly” brings up the money problems, and the dad gets it and says the most obnoxious thing ever: “Those people can’t stay out of trouble no matter what you do for them.”
While I am wondering when exactly was the last time that Mr. Kelly did anything for “those people,” Turbo and Ozone get understandably offended, and Kelly is just useless, telling her dad that Miracles needs dollars and he says some more horrible things and instead of dying from embarrassment and/or standing up for her friends, Kelly makes some noises and Turbo and Ozone get up and leave, but not before doing this “Eff you” dance move with the dinner rolls that I really can’t begin to explain.
Kelly and Turbo are in the park and Turbo asks for advice about girls and Kelly is acting like she’s gonna kiss him, and DUDE, KELLY, KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR LIKE 2 SECONDS COULD YOU PLEASE! Ho-lee CRAP.
I guess she helps Turbo though because now he’s dancing in his bedroom, like humping the bed before making it up to the ceiling two years before Lionel Richie, but 20 years after Dick van Dyke. And suddenly Cute Chick is at Turbo’s for no reason; I really don’t think Turbo needs to be worried about being smooth when this chick is basically throwing herself in his lap, and she is impressed by his gravity defiance. Then they kiss.
At Audiotron! And seriously, I can’t even tell you. Ice-T is one of those dudes, that whenever he is around, I’m immediately happier. And here he is, rapping back in ’84, but unfortunately we have to watch ElectroDude awkwardly kissing this chick until Ozone, ever the cockblock, butts in now to try to get ElectroDude to make a truce in order to save Miracles through Unity and The Putting Aside Of Twisty Red Headbands. But ElectroDude tells Ozone not to lay the jive on him, like this is literally what he says, all tough in his headband but not quite as tough as Ozone and his ginormous earring.
Here is Kelly, dumb as ever, “Yay, Paris wants me!” for some show and Ozone gets snotty to Kelly and Kelly purses her lips and squints her eyes to indicate…confusion? I’m not sure. And Rhonda glares at Kelly.
Now Ice-T is destroying a record with a knife!
And oh no, Rhonda and her friends block Kelly and mock her and tell her to stop coming around or they’ll beat her up. And yeah, that’s not cool, but I’m thinking, gee Kelly, maybe you could have been nice to the girls too instead of giving every guy your O face at any and every given moment.
So because the girls are mean to her, Kelly accepts the Paris job and is sad.
Kelly and her mom are shopping for Paris, and who is down the street but breakdancers, haunting her as she gazes wistfully.
Now the “Electric Boogaloo” song plays, and Ozone puts up a “Save Our Streets” sign on top of Miracles and he has a dance solo and gives an erotic performance for the guys below before sliding down a rope to the ground and leading the way as everyone marches through the streets with signs and rush City Hall, where there is a meeting going on, and Bald Guy is fighting for the shopping center.
Ozone starts talking about how Miracles is good for the community and once Ozone pipes down, Byron is able to make a nice speech about Miracles’ importance.
And Rhonda is standing next to Ozone because she is a huge stalker freak.
Sensitive lady is like, no, it’s too late but a little blonde girl comes and tugs her heartstrings and in the background someone is awesomely booing and Ozone yells at Bald Dude that he is crazy. Seriously, the entire thing devolves into horrible over-dubs and kids yelling at the townspeople, “Oh, you’re crazy,” like very compelling argument there.
And the committee accepts the bid and the shopping center people win and there is an uproar but then the BEST THING EVER happens, because this little kid goes, “You guys are wack man,” and everyone goes, “OOOOOOO” and though Bald Guy and Mean Dude had heretofore remained completely unflappable, all of a sudden they are like, “WACK? How could you?” and Bald Dude is really offended.
Then Ozone GRABS Mean Dude and goes, this isn’t over! Really if Ozone is gonna be the leader, someone should probably suggest that he not lunge at everyone who pisses him off.
Ozone declares to Turbo that they will not give up.
The construction workers are taking pictures again, and Turbo takes this dude’s equipment bag, so they chase him as Turbo laughs and laughs, until falling down a flight of concrete steps, where he passes out and has blood on his head…
…and goes to the hospital. Ozone goes to Kelly’s house to get her to come to the hospital and Kelly gives a “moving” speech about how Paris can wait!
Now the main group is in Turbo’s room, and Cute Chick speaks Spanish and wakes Turbo up with a kiss. You think things can’t get any better, until Turbo declares, “Man, I am hungry. Get me some food!” and I wonder how long he was pretending to be unconscious while he worked on that zinger.
All is well! So every person who’s ever been to Miracles all pile into his room and dance and Turbo’s in a sling, arm cast, and leg cast, dancing, and Kelly is once again completely inappropriate.
Whoa. Now there are Leg Avenue nurses dancing all in white. Perhaps they went shopping with Midge!
And the power of the music and Turbo’s joke heals everyone in the hospital and they all dance. And the non-sexy nurses get all indignant.
O! M! G! W! T! F! this dude is totally flatlining, and the doctors are appearing all somber which is weird with the background music, but the sexy nurses show up and the doctors totally just ditch Flatlining Dude without even calling it, but never you mind, because the dude comes back to life, thanks to the joy!
Lyrics: “When I see you I get so intensive.” Punning. Awesome.
Now Turbo “wakes up,” all, “What happened?” I think we need to set a moratorium on Turbo’s escape-from-near-death one-liners.
OMG! Kelly. Ozone. Pizza. And Kelly has ripped the shirt off Ozone’s back, torn it apart, stapled it back together, and put it on.
And Kelly’s dad comes back and says he’ll give Kelly the money for Miracles if she stops hanging out with Ozone and Turbo, and goes to Princeton. And because Kelly is an asshole, she doesn’t negotiate. I mean, $200,000 is a LOT of money. Why not be like, “Fine. Miracles really needs my dad’s money, I will go to Princeton, but stay in touch with my friends.” Miracles is saved, and Kelly gets a good education, which she could really use though actually, how in the world did she get into Princeton in the first place?
Ozone gives a speech about how no one will ever tell him to lay down his pride, and Kelly whines, “You’re so negative.”
Now Cute Chick is saving the day! Much like the time Annie escaped the orphanage via Mr. Bundles, only now Cute Chick is Mr. Bundles, and a white nurse stops her as she gets in the elevator with the big-ass laundry cart, and the nurse tells her that she needs to use the service elevator. So Cute Chick says something in Spanish and white nurse bitches about no one speaking English and then Turbo pops out of the laundry, laughs like Woody Woodpecker, then goes, “Guess who?” and scares the nurse so they can escape to go help Miracles.
It’s everyone’s favorite creepazoid, Rhonda, telling Kelly to leave and they awkwardly catfight, then stop because the bulldozers are coming. Oh no! But Ozone knows what to do:
Turn on the music!
And they all use the bulldozers as a set to dance on. So you think okay, Mean Dude’s hands are temporarily tied. But he’s all “I WANT MY SHOPPING CENTER” and tells them to bulldoze the people! So everyone scatters, but Turbo blocks them, still in his casts! And Cute Chick is behind him! And Turbo throws things! Then a driver stops and has to defend his decision to not kill kids to Mean Dude and the drivers leave!
Now the newspeople have arrived wanting the story and Bald Dude totally backpedals and says that they are there for the community.
But then Mean Dude confronts him and is like “Are you refusing to stand by my side!” and Bald Dude is like, “Yes,” so Mean Dude makes a grandiose announcement that he will withdraw from the property.
But it’s not over yet! Byron awesomely gets Mean Dude to make a contribution to Miracles, and haggles him up to $10,000. A good start!
Now they take off Turbo’s cast and Ozone talks to the news, and they help raise money by letting him pimp the show, which he advertises as dancing and juggling. Now don’t get me wrong, I actually find juggling sexy, but why would you mention the juggling with only a little bit of time to talk? Bizarre.
Song I’ve heard before.
Ozone making more crazy faces.
Kelly dancing “sexy.”
And on the other side of town, Kelly’s parents are gathered around their two-inch TV, like I know it’s 1984, but this really rich dude is watching a mini-TV? Whatevs, and Kelly is on the news and her mom insults her hair.
OKAY! Ice-T is totally rapping in the show and I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe, that would be a more enticing draw than the juggling.
Now this kid “Little Lee” does the “Thriller” dance, and after that, a breakdancing rooster.
And at long last, there is a Come to Jesus moment had by Kelly’s parents, where all of a sudden they are no longer bigots but just parents who love their daughter and their community, so they go to support the Miracles show. For Kelly. Because who doesn’t love Kelly.
Now everyone is dancing in day-glo pink and green, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s making me really happy.
Speaking of 11th-hour conversions, here are the Electrorocks, ready to make a truce now that the Miracles guys are kicking ass and making over $100,000 in one day.
And a girl in the audience is wearing a “Save Pepsi” shirt, foreshadowing Britney Spears’s dancing to save Pepsi more than a decade later. The battle never truly ends.
Now Kelly, ever the ho’, dirty dances with ElectroDude.
Kelly greets her parents practically naked and her dad say’s he’s proud of her and he tells her to name her price and that’s probably the third time Kelly’s heard that today but even then she has to be a huge jerk and go, “Even without Princeton?” and he is like, yeah.
And Kelly brings her parents to the stage, because now they are giving her money, so she loves them again a la Jackie Burkhart, and they announce that they made the goal and all these balloons come out everywhere, floating to the sky and WHERE IN BLOODY HELL did they get the money for all those helium balloons?
“I believe in the beat!” a woman sings and it is touching. Because they did believe in the beat.
Meanwhile, ElectroDude lowers his sunglasses seductively and thinks he is the MAN. And Kelly’s mom is dancing and we see where Kelly gets her sexy dance faces from.
Singing! Dancing! Balloons! Pretty! Flashy! Fun!
~ THE END ~