Last Saturday, the day after my reunion (woohoo, more on that another time though), I managed to finally, after 15 years, catch the episode of “90210” where Brandon uses Kelly as a decoy at some college government thing because Josh who later gets killed off because he was kind of awesome is giving Brandon a good dose of Woodward and Bernstein karma. And these were Very Important Episodes back in the day when I was still a teenager. So they felt extra special, fresh off the prior night’s nostalgia. I was stoked and DVRed the next episode, where Kelly and Brandon kiss, and was filled with my old, comfortable ambivalence towards this show. Which led to two Facebook statuses, and then I played the episode I DVRed, and felt my “90210” thought vomit rising to the surface. I figured I’d put it all in one neat blog, so people are warned about what lies ahead. And with no further adieu, I present to you:

My Thoughts During

The “90210” Decoy Kelly Episodes

– Seriously, Muntz. I know you’re a doofy dude and all, but for real? You are going out with a girl for two years and about to Finally Do It For The First Time, and you choose freaking Steve Sanders’s dorm room as the perfect place for this? Now, I’m not materialistic, but if I were the girl I’d be pissed. Spring for a hotel, for crying out loud. At least light a candle! Somewhere that’s NOT Steve Sanders’s dorm room that he borrowed from Andrea!

– I get that they were trying to evolve Kelly since she wanted to shed her high school image and all, but I do not see why this has to translate into her dressing like a senior citizen whose kids would still tell her, Mom, let me take you shopping; you’re dressing really frumpy. Normally I wouldn’t even say anything because I certainly know what it’s like to gain weight and want to cover up, but that’s the thing. I had Jennie Garth’s workout tape, “Body in Progress,” that she made during this exact time. She was totally in shape and looked great and really healthy. But I remember those times, and it was pre-J Lo, ass-friendly years. I too hid my butt and strong-but-not-skinny legs, and pretty much dressed like Jennie Garth. So I started out laughing at her terrible outfits, then realized, oh man. But I’ll leave it at this for now, except to say speaking of which, what happened to belly shirts? I’ve bitched before about all the new shirts not having waists, which is like the one thing I’m cool with on my body (not trying to self loathe; I’m just keeping it real), but why not have belly shirts? There are awesome clothes for smaller girls, why not give something to the ladies who might not love their whole body yet, but want to celebrate their curves! It’s like belly shirts came in with a vengeance, and left with just as quick a vengeance. Theories?

– So I could fanwank it that Kelly’s just jealous of Claire’s slobbering like a hungry and horny puppy over Brandon, but Kelly’s like, “She’s in high school” to Brandon. And don’t get me wrong; I appreciate the sentiment if she were talking to Jason Priestley, but Brandon’s a freshman in college. It’s not like it would be creepy for him to date a junior or senior in high school, especially during a time where sex still wasn’t a given. And yet there was Kelly saying it all, “Brandon, you pervert,” which was dumb.

– Speaking of Claire, in retrospect, she is a great sociological metaphor for the vast difference between Generation X and Generation Y. I’m watching it all, what the hell Claire; why are you so bitchily hitting on Kelly’s boyfriend? But now that I’m older, it’s a little sobering to watch these episodes and realize that Claire was annoying and Lucinda was a bit of a snake, but at least they didn’t seem like they had perpetual sticks up their asses like the…well, the blondes on this show. All the non-blonde chicks were always held up as villains to the good and pure Donna and Kelly, but really the non-blondes were the awesomest ones IMO. I still don’t know if I dig Claire or not because IIRC, she pissed me off a lot back in the day, but I could totally chill with Lucinda, and Brenda and Valerie were always my favorites. I really think I want to re-watch this show and figure out more of this, because when I grow up, I want to be a “90210” brunette! Because God help me if I need to judge people and wear blazers for the rest of my life, you know?

– And while I’m going on about women and society, what is UP with this show’s double standard with sex? I’m hardly the first to say it, but it really pissed me off tonight. It’s very “Real Sex” or something, because Kelly and Brandon are off on an overnight together even though she is with Dylan and he is with Lucinda, and Dylan is over Lucinda’s set decorator’s idea of the kind of place a quirky, sexual woman would live in (which to be fair wasn’t bad), and she’s practically on top of his lap on the couch, all snuggling in and mastering the single entendre (TM Oz) while Dylan moves his eyebrows around but does not at all stop her, and I think she has candles lit or the lights off and it’s all EXTREMELY inappropriate, and then she kisses him and Dylan totally kisses her back, but then opens his eyes and looks at her like he’d tricked her into showing that it was true, this was Ursula pretending to be Ariel or SOMETHING, because I honestly don’t know why she was some kind of terrible cheater compared to suddenly righteous Dylan, and seriously if you’re just playing undercover boyfriend or something Dylan, kissing her is kind of like sniffing a bit of coke when you work for the DEA. But don’t get me started on the DEA. There is also this awful way Brandon behaves when he gets to Lucinda’s after totally making out and being lovey dovey with Kelly, like at least Lucinda was just sexual; Brandon cheated physically AND emotionally, yet somehow has the unmitigated gall to give her this look of hate and disgust as though he caught her cheating, and tells her he didn’t miss her at all.

Moral of the story: Guys cheat, but it’s usually the fault of some bitch-ass ho.

The “90210” Survival Guide

“90210” High School Graduation Recap