Right away, you know that “Beastmaster” is going to be an awesome movie. Nothing says action and suspense like still photographs of animals. The anticipation is great; the tension builds…

…and here is Rip Torn! Obviously. He’s pissed with the king, who wears a shamrock crown and has golden locks like his wife who is apparently narcoleptic, as she is always sleeping. Not peacefully though, because Rip Torn sends one of his creepy witches to take the baby out of the narcoleptic lady and put him into a cow.

The witch brands the baby, perhaps taking his cattle origins a little too literally. But when she tries to throw the cow baby into the fire, a man throws a weapon into her and now SHE is the one in the fire! Karma.

Before you know it, the baby is grown up a little, and has turned into Buddy from “Just One of the Guys,” only less of a pervert. Mainly, this Buddy is pretty badass, because he totally gets in this one grizzly’s face and the grizzly backs down! What could this mean!

Unfortunately nothing gold can stay. Buddy grows up into the love child of Dolph Lundgren and Harry Anderson, and this gang of Juns ride into town and they are a cross between “Lord of the Rings” creatures and the biker gang from “Buffy,” Season six, episodes one and two. Except instead of Static-X, the only music this gang brings to the table is a score that bears an unsettling resemblance to the Bounty jingle.

Then it is very sad, because Buddy’s Savior just stands there and waits to get trampled, so it’s slightly harder to feel quite as sorry for him. At least do that thing where if you are in the movies and attacked by men on horses, you put out your sword and go “AHHHHHH!!!!!!” and though you will be killed, by movie law, at least one guy will flip off his means of transportation. However, in lieu of this, we get a pair of boobs, 18 minutes in, for no reason except that this is the ’80s.

Then this wolfy-looking dog saves Buddy, and you can see the conveyor belt move as the dog “drags” Buddy. It’s amazing.

But not as amazing as Rip Torn, who has returned from the clearance sale at Hot Topic, and is sporting skulls at the ends of his braids.

After all the action goes down, and Buddy buries his now-dead dog on top of his foster dad, which is actually really sad, Buddy then goes on to focus on what’s really important in this world: being naked. He’s been naked all the while, minus his loincloth, but now that there is no more pesky battle to be had, Buddy fantasizes about revenge while waving a huge stick around and around.

Then it’s like how in every ’80s movie, parents did that bullshit pet thing, where one pet dies, so they get the sad kid multiple, lesser pets. Like how Carol Ann gets fish to replace Tweety in “Poltergeist,” this guy loses his dog and gets ferrets. In the Great Eric Posch Spirit of naming animals, Buddy names these ferrets “Kodo” and “Podo.”

I guess I spoke too soon regarding the Carol Ann Phenomenon, because Buddy also gets a tiger! Buddy just watches while the tiger eats this one other dude and then they become friends. Buddy names the tiger The Rural Juror.

Now these pod people are here, sucking the innards from citizens, but leaving Buddy alone because he is BFF with an eagle, and as tribute to their friendship, the pod people give him a necklace. Buddy’s half says “BE FRI,” while the eagle’s says “ST END.” “I will never take this off,” Buddy weeps.

Speaking of taking things off, Midge from “That ’70s Show” is naked in the water, along with another woman who doesn’t matter at all, turns out, except to be an extra set of boobs. Midge looks AMAZING, like she stepped off the pages of From ’70s to ’80s: That Confusing Time For Women. Fluffy hair, check. Smoky doe eyes, check. Long limbedness, check. Midge is every cover of every aerobics video made before 1984, with a Maybelline ad or two thrown in. And she is totally dry two seconds after coming out of the water.

Now things start to get exceptionally weird, as Buddy makes The Rural Juror his new wingman. He totally gets him to terrorize Midge, and she gives her best early ’80s “I will gaze at my bangs and pout out my lips” signature “fear.” Buddy of course saves her and creepily starts kissing her, going, “I’ll accept this as payment.” Midge is in no way put off by Buddy’s date rapery, “Save my family, and you can have all the payment you want.” And she tells him she is a slave girl. As she flits away, Midge drops some of her jewelry, and the ferrets retrieve it because they are jealous of the eagle’s necklace.

Hello, John Amos! Who is with a random kid named Tal. They all act very warrior-esque together. We find out that Midge is not a slave after all, but rather, Tal’s cousin.

Then this poor kid gets thrown into a fire, because the ’80s were about nothing if not human sacrifice. Poor kid. But I guess that kid wasn’t enough, so the bad guys grab this little girl, and the little girl does not seem very upset at all about her impending doom, but the dubbing is GLORIOUS. This girl is like four or five, but there is this screaming baby all frantic, and that is supposed to be the sounds the kid’s making, despite not moving her face. And this whole time, the eagle is obviously supposed to be saving the day, but sure takes his sweet-ass time getting to the girl, and it is basically the exact same scene as the one in “Mannequin” where Kim Cattrall is about to perish with all the other non-human mannequins.

Now there is a really creepy ring made out of a seeing eye, and I’m not sure where it came from, but Tal is wearing it. I know there’s a perfectly logical explanation, but this is where things start getting crazy! Buddy cries, which is of course the best thing ever, and John Amos cries, and Buddy makes out with Midge, and then Buddy cries again, water spurting everywhere. This one dude keeps randomly appearing with glowing green eyes and spikes all over his pants, and his sole purpose is to mess shit up.

But the best part is that there is an 11th hour subplot about Buddy’s isolation. He is an outcast, and despite the fact that he totally helps save Shamrock King’s life, Shamrock King calls Buddy a freak! And rejects his help in fighting Rip Torn!

The ferrets are so cute, might I add!

And holy crap, Buddy is crying AGAIN!!! You’d think he was Alyson Hannigan, with all the excuses they’re making for him to cry.

As it turns out, Midge is really both a warrior and in line to be sacrificed. To celebrate, she’s gone out and purchased a Leg Avenue sheriff’s costume.

I would like to quickly point out that half of this movie is scenes of birds flying around. Another quarter of the movie is taken up with The Rural Juror killing people just because he can. Yet now that all the shit’s hitting the fan, The Rural Juror is nowhere to be seen and Kodo the ferret has to save the day. Which is all Buddy’s fault. First Rip Torn tells the useless Shamrock King that he is Buddy’s father, then kills him. Buddy kills Rip Torn right back, but like an idiot, does NOT throw Rip Torn into the fire, so of course Rip Torn goes to kill Buddy, and poor Kodo has to save Buddy’s stupid ass.

Well, if it isn’t the KISS concert from before! The bad gang rides back into town, and what is SERIOUSLY pissing me off is, why can’t Buddy use his beastmaster mojo to control the horses? AND WHERE THE FUCK IS THE RURAL JUROR! Useless showboater. He can fly 70 feet through the air to kill one individual, but times when Buddy could really use him? Nowhere to be found. Luckily, the eagle has taken Buddy’s half of the BFF necklace and goes to get the pod people to do what the tiger won’t: kill the bad guys. Then the bad guys all sway and give props to Buddy and his clan, and they leave in peace.

The next day, John Amos is like, “Hey nice tat, why aren’t YOU king?” But Buddy is like, “No thanks,” and has feathered hair. Midge also has feathered hair, and it all ends like “Planet Terror,” survivors roaming the desert, and Podo and Kodo are the new Rose and Freddy, because there are baby ferrets.

Lovely. But uh, shouldn’t Midge and Buddy stop canoodling now that they know they are cousins???

~ THE END ~