Like Rain

Posted on August 31, 2012 by judisunshine

As many of you know, Spring and Summer…and Fall and Winter, to be honest, of 2004, were particularly harrowing seasons for me. Everything I’d ever wanted was gone. Like, I know you shouldn’t spend all your youth as a girl, hoping to be married. But I did. And then I was! Married, that is.

And then, I wasn’t. And I was faced with The Future, whatever that meant. So I behaved in the obvious way, and spent an inordinate amount of (credit card) money on H&M travesty dresses I’d never wear unironically, and on Jessica Simpson’s Dessert lip glosses…

…and on perfume. In retrospect, I think I hoped that if I just found the right scent, I’d once again be desirable as a woman. After all, I found Tommy Girl in my late 20s. Perhaps I could find scental rebirth in the dawn of my almost-30s!

So I played around. As with the leopard-print dresses and Juicy gloss (though to be fair? Juicy lip gloss was AWESOME! I’d pay 27 dollars for it again (right after my rent)), my seeking of scents fittingly reeked of desperation.

Did I buy JLo’s Glo? Yes I did. 15 years after Love’s Baby Soft Fail, I still convinced myself that one scent could make a man love me.

And then I made the ultimate purchase: Demeter’s…Something. Obviously, it didn’t work romantically, or I’d remember the specific fragrance. So I can’t recall the name, but I do remember the smell. It smelled like potential. Like summer mornings when I was 12, like Hick’s greenhouse when I was…whatever age. Didn’t matter. What mattered was that greenhouses smelled like heaven on Earth, and I had the Demeter fragrance to be that heaven, if only someone would appreciate me!

Well that didn’t work out. If I were to smell that mystery Demeter fragrance in 2012, it would likely speed me back to That Time. That time when my goals, and by extension, my being, were shattered. When I was so young and so dumb as to think that maybe everything would work out as I had hoped, even after everything.

Eight years and lots of (enjoyable!) single living later (Saturday night “Fresh Prince” marathons ftw!), I woke up this morning, the morning that I turned 37. Within a new, beautiful purse, among other amazing, thoughtful gifts from my boyfriend, was a new Demeter fragrance: Rain.

My favorite scent of all time. From my favorite person of all time. If only I had a time machine to reassure my past self…but maybe, that’s kind of the whole point. And isn’t it ironic?

Posted in Apartments & Other Domiciles, Miscellaneous, Romance, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Breaking Butterflies

Posted on August 29, 2012 by judisunshine

And what I know is that everything I touch just turns to dust …

~ Craig Manning

When I was in second grade, I was pretty prone to misbehavior. One evening, my mother caught me trying to forge her signature on a note that got sent home about my “attitude.” Thank God she caught me, because seven-year-olds should never attempt cursive forgery.

Later in the year, there was another note, and also the principal’s office. I got in more active trouble than any other grade, including high school. In spite of, or perhaps because of that, I loved my teacher Miss Markey.

Do you know how in Ramona the Pest, Ramona so badly wants to please her beautiful teacher Miss Binney? Ramona sits as quietly and properly as possible, until she loses it and pulls one of Susan’s boing-boing curls or starts fake snoring during naptime. And she’d ultimately fail at winning Miss Binney’s love. Well, that’s how I felt with Miss Markey.

One day, I was supposed to get another note home, but I did not think my parents were gonna be particularly feeling that, so I pleaded with Miss Markey to spare me. Instead of the note, she let me clean out her desk.

While serving the lessened sentence, I came across a remarkable discovery — a box of the most beautiful jewelry I’d ever seen in my whole life. Butterfly pins, in all different colors, resting exquisitely against a bed of white cotton.

I felt blessed to behold such a sight. I’d only ever seen elderly women’s jewelry or kids’ jewelry. My mom didn’t really wear it. That an accessory could be so filled with color and delicate artistry, in the shape of butterflies no less, opened up a whole new part of my imagination. In a very serious tone, I thanked Miss Markey for the opportunity to clean her desk and look at the amazing butterflies. And you’d think she’d have given me a Those Kittens Looked Like Twins reaction, but Miss Markey always had a real understanding of me in that mystical way that few possess.

On the last day of second grade, we all engaged in end-of-the-year festivities. Before the last bell rang, Miss Markey told me she’d like a word with me.

I was so worried. It seemed like I’d gone at least a whole (half-)day without any mishaps! Was I getting in last-minute trouble?

Miss Markey handed me a box. The box. I opened it up, and sure enough, there they were, the butterflies. A thousand times more beautiful than before, but in a different way now that they were…mine? I stared up at Miss Markey, mouth agape.

“I want you to have them,” she confirmed. She looked happy, and she looked proud. Like maybe she even kind of liked me a little bit, despite all the trouble. And that moment meant everything to me.

I would love to show you a picture of these butterfly pins, and tell you that all these years later, they are my favorite possession. But I lost and/or broke them all years ago. Not on purpose. But they’re gone.

This morning, I was wearing butterfly earrings and one of them fell down the sink drain, just like that. As I watched it go, I thought about my beloved butterfly pins. Why didn’t I take better care of them? If I loved them, how could I let them get destroyed?

One year before receiving the butterflies from Miss Markey, I’d spent a desperate afternoon trying to get my Annie ring back after it slipped off in the lake. I put everything I had into diving down over and over, trying to find it in the water, the sand — wherever the ring had gotten lost, I was going to find it.

But I didn’t.

I do that. I alternate between desperately trying to hold onto something that doesn’t want to be held, and shaking off that which is beautiful — that which is a gift — simply so I don’t have to watch it float away.

I’m going to try really hard not to do that anymore.

Posted in Animals, Childhood, Family, Miscellaneous, School, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

5 Reasons to Watch “City Island”

Posted on August 27, 2012 by judisunshine

Warning! Some spoilers ahead, though I try to be gentle! 

And once again, the scene is set: Josh. Library DVD rental. Excitement on his part, ignorance on mine. This night’s feature: “City Island.”

From good old Wikipedia:

Living on City Island, in the Bronx, Vince Rizzo (Andy Garcia), a prison guard, is the father of a dysfunctional family whose members all have secrets. Vince discovers that his secret illegitimate son is now the 24-year-old prison inmate Tony Nardella (Steven Strait) who is being held in the same prison where he works. Without revealing this truth to his family, Vince consequently gets Tony out of prison and employs him as hired help at his own home in order to become closer with his unknowing son. Vince has also been secretly taking acting lessons, taught by Michael Malakov (Alan Arkin), and begins to form a platonic bond with Molly (Emily Mortimer), an aspiring actress.

The DVD said it was an “offbeat” comedy, or some other adjective. Given said adjective + the indie-ness of the movie, I was prepared to feel like Old Christine when she hosts her pot party with Wanda Sykes: “Ooh, I got a DVD of “The Royal Tenenbaums. Everybody thought this was so funny. I didn’t get it.”

No offense to “Royal Tenenbaums,” which I liked, but basically I was prepared for a very depressing hour and a half. If a comedy is “offbeat,” often what that means is I will totally appreciate the humor, once the dour experience is over.

Not with this movie. It had my heart at hello! So here is my list of:

5 Reasons to Watch “City Island!”

1) The Cast

As y’all know if you’ve read enough of my blogs, I’m a frustrated casting director at heart. So I’m psyched when I see a movie like “City Island,” because every actor in it is IMO, wonderfully cast. Julianna Margulies has not only never looked more gorgeous, but shifts seamlessly from comedy to drama, from grating to sympathetic, in a way I haven’t seen since Edie Falco’s Carmella. Dominik Garcia-Lorido shines as the daughter of Garcia and Margulies, playing a good girl who’s always been an A-student, but got suspended from school and has turned to stripping in order to go back next semester. Steven Strait is awesomely complex as the aforementioned secret son/jailbird, that could have been played just fine by a way lesser beefcake. Ezra Miller plays a teenage boy like no other I’ve seen in movies, or even “Degrassi.” More on that below.

And Emily Mortimer? I finally get and appreciate her as an actress. I think I’ve just not seen enough of her movies, because I had no idea how absolutely great she is. It’s hard to explain, but she’s…flexible. Like an accomplished gymnast or dancer, only she does it with acting.

Andy Garcia is simply fantastic. I’ve loved him since “When a Man Loves a Woman,” because back in the early ‘90s when everyone was tough, and Garcia was still all “Godfather”-y, dude could cry. In “City Island,” he gives what I’d consider his best performance to date. At least my favorite. He is raw, vulnerable, and really owns being a “prison guard,” when all he wants is to be called a “correctional officer”…while all the while, exhibiting that what he really wants to be called, wants to be – is an actor.

And Alan Arkin. OMG, Alan Arkin. How do I love thee; let me count the ways. Or just say that thanks again to Josh and his Netflix, just the night before, I got to rewatch one of my most beloved movies of all time, “Indian Summer.” More on that another time. But Alan Arkin is the man you want in your movie, should you seek a wise soul, a presence, a friend. If you need someone to step seamlessly into the cast of “Game of Thrones,” in any capacity? See if Alan Arkin’s willing to participate. In “City Island,” he actually has a very small role. I was sad, despite the awesomeness of the movie. Until he reappears, and I won’t spoil it for you, but he does such great work, in such a short time. If Alan Arkin were Judi Dench, he’d have the 2009 Oscar for this role!

2) The Pacing

From the first scene of “City Island,” I was into it. And that’s like, all I ever truly want, deep down, from a book or movie. Television shows, we’ve got time. But if I’m going to curl up with a 260-pager, or 120-minutes-or-less of a movie? I do very much enjoy getting hooked from the jump. “City Island” hooked me, and for the remainder of the movie, I was never once even remotely bored or disengaged.

3) LOLs

First scene grabbed me, and the second provided LOLs galore! Ezra Miller as Andy Garcia’s Junior really stole the show, during the early scenes of “City Island.” I’m usually going to enjoy whatever smartass life or Hollywood throws in my direction, and Miller’s Vinnie is no exception. Only, Vinnie is kind of an extra-special smartass — unabashed in his delivery, and given great writing to work with.

And everyone gets to be funny, at some point, in this movie. I must hand it to Julianna and Andy. They argue viciously, but/therefore, somehow make their fights hilarious, even while they are troubling.

4) Botero 

I’m not saying that it’s healthy to want to feed a woman a lot of food, or to be the woman exhilarated by the concept. But I will say that I didn’t even know this was a thing until watching “City Island,” and I feel more knowledgeable for it. Ezra Miller’s Vinnie plays the wannabe feeder to a woman who does eating-porn, as well as a girl who is beautiful, sweet, and mistakes Vinnie’s interest in her eating habits for his making fun of her extra weight, when it couldn’t be more the opposite! The three of them develop a bizarrely endearing relationship, and provide a hilarious Greek chorus to the drama that unfolds at the end of the movie. “The Ending” would be a numeric entry unto itself, but too many spoilers would have to be given!

And regarding this bullet point, I found it extremely interesting that this movie has no nudity, IIRC. It has a lot of sexuality, and there are strip club scenes. Garcia-Lorido shows the audience that she not only has a very impressive body, but mad skillz to boot, as she flips upside down the pole…but all the dancers always have bikini tops on. So while the movie exhibits the ways in which young women sell what they’ve got for myriad reasons, it never takes part in said exploitation. It is an interesting choice that I appreciate.

5) Great Movie for Actors

There’s a line in “City Island” about God blessing us when we need it the most. It kind of punched me in the face, in a good way, on a day when I’d felt particularly desperate about money, creativity, and life in general. The movie wasn’t preachy; it was just hopeful and IMO honest. And the way that it portrayed struggling NYC actors, and by extension artists in general, was brilliant. My favorite part in the entire movie that didn’t involve dialogue was when Andy Garcia moved to the back of the very-very-very-long actor’s cattle call. And while I could go into greater detail, I will leave it at that. Because I think you should see it for yourselves 🙂

Posted in AcTING!, Body Image, Celebrities, Entertainment, Lists, Movies, Theater | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Lights Go Down

Posted on August 24, 2012 by judisunshine

I managed to get away somehow. I wasn’t sure what I was running from, but some others from the house and I were trying to get away. We’d just entered a forested area that was harder to run through, but we were almost out. There was another street just across the way, with houses. I couldn’t tell if they were safe. They might have all just been part of the entrapment scheme.

But one thing that became more and more evident, the further we got from the house – we had nothing to lose. That house had evil in it. People were being held prisoner and they didn’t even realize.

We prepared to go down the hill and cross the road. Every foot of distance we put between ourselves and the house, and the woman in it, was a foot closer to safety. And we had miles to go.

But then they spotted us. The woman was beautiful, older, with shortish wavy brown hair and big brown eyes. Eyes that she was really good at getting to seem kind. I thought I saw otherwise.

And here, outside and so close to a world away from hers, I knew I hadn’t been paranoid.

“You’re evil!” I cried. And she looked gobsmacked. No one ever was rude to her. Something in her eyes flickered, and she faltered, for the briefest of moments. I pounced on that, and cried out again, “You’re evil!” This time more forcefully.

Then she gave us a stern, “Time to go” gesture. I felt myself weaken, but didn’t want to go. Still, the road to escape looked so dark, and the hill to get there, so steep. The houses across the way seemed to have cobwebs. And the others were following the woman. If I stayed out there, I’d be all alone in the darkness.

I followed the woman and the others back to the house and into the yard. People were mingling and it would have been nice if I didn’t now see that it was a prison yard. We weren’t free to come and go. I wished I’d kept going. Now that the woman had walked away, I was feeling stronger and wondered why I’d ever let myself come back here. Something bad was going to happen.

Then we saw it, in the sky – white lights. They were so beautiful, but they were going to hurt us. People started screaming to run for cover, and so we did, as the lights hit the ground as little meteors. They created a wave of physical chaos that pulled people down, but a tornado that held people in the sky, powerless. I heard someone scream out, “Cassie!” in that way that people can only scream when they see their friends dying. I turned around and I didn’t see Cassie, but I saw the shark. For some reason, we had a shark corpse that lived with us. I never liked it, but I really didn’t like seeing it spinning through the air, its guts spilling out, helpless…but maybe finally allowed to rest at last.

As quickly as the destruction came, it ended. And just as before, we obediently followed our leaders, this time to a basement. The horror of moments ago was quickly forgotten, as there was a party going on. So many of my friends were there. Perhaps the problem with the house was that I hadn’t been here at the party the whole time. We all laughed and hugged and drank and sang.

I went to use the restroom, and when I came back, the party was locked away and I couldn’t get back inside. The room they were in looked so warm and inviting – but from the outside, they looked vulnerable. All put in one place for the next attack. I screamed, banged on the door. I needed to warn them. They couldn’t hear me.

I had to get help. But I felt myself weakening. My bones weren’t supporting me. But there was a tunnel. Maybe if I could just get through it…

I dragged myself along the ground because my arms were all that were working now. The ground cut me and I was getting filthy. But the only thing that mattered was this, doing this, I had to do this. Every bit of adrenaline and resolve was being thrown into this task. The closer I got to the end, the more confident I was. My body could repair itself. What mattered was freedom. Salvation.

I got to the end. The light was so bright and beautiful. Everything would be okay.

The woman was there. She had changed in appearance; her hair was blonde now, and her eyes were light, but the same. Worse. Now she didn’t have to pretend for the benefit of the others. It was just me. Her face contorted into rage like I’d never seen. She pointed a gun in my direction.

Please don’t…

…Thud.

The light beamed even brighter, and then disappeared completely.

First Dream
Second Dream
Third Dream
Fourth Dream
Fifth Dream

Posted in Dreams, Supernatural :o | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Things I Used to Get from the Ice Cream Man

Posted on August 19, 2012 by judisunshine

Summertime is here, and I know I’m not alone — I miss being a kid in the summer! No school, no work, just an endless stretch of possibility. And nothing was better summer fuel than the ice cream man.

Remember hearing the bells, way before the trucks had songs? If you were inside, you all of a sudden became a star lawyer, negotiating money from mom or dad in record time. If you were outside playing with your friends, the ice cream man noise was like the opposite of the “Poltergeist” thunderstorm — you kept alert, hoping with all your heart to see one of the most beautiful sights in the world — the ice cream man slowwwwly turning onto your street, before the whole gang of you accosted him, yelling “Stop! Stop!”

Then he’d arrive, and it was magical (AHHHHH!!!). Right there in front of you on your humble hometown street, was a man who had a freezer on wheels, and the world was your oyster. So to speak. An oyster man would be a much different sort of event.

Part of me always wanted to be like Aldo Applesauce, and sample every bit of variety that was on that truck. But my nature is to stick with something I love, once I’ve tried it. I did a decent job experimenting, but I had my staples. Here they are, reverse countdown-style!

10. Chinese Fortune Gum
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This was terrible gum. But if you were an ’80s child, gum was all-important to your quality of life. More to the point, this gum cost 10 cents. I’d never just get this gum, but it was an excellent supplement, budget-wise. Now I’m getting scared that I remember when a lot of things were 10 cents. C’est la vie.

9. Toasted Almond Bars

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I’m into chocolate, but it was my dad who gave me an appreciation of nutty ice cream. He was really into praline pecan (do they make that anymore?), butter pecan, that sort of thing. And Toasted Almonds are very tasty, though not chocolate. My first drink was a Toasted Almond too! That’s a White Russian with amaretto instead of vodka. Delicious.

8. Fudge Pops

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If you were broke, this was the ice cream to get. Significantly cheaper, and very tasty. Also as a side benefit, not many calories!

7. Frozen Snickers
Snickers

There was something so fancy about the cold Snickers that you could acquire from the ice-cream man. A simple candy bar…but frozen.

6. Rocket Pops

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I was never super-into ices, but rocket pops are special. The distinctive colors, the different flavors…my favorite has always been the middle. I love lemon ice!

5. Strawberry Shortcakes

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Fruity, creamy, and PINK. What’s not to love?

4. Stuff My Brother Robb(ie) Got

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Whereas I was the sibling who almost always chose chocolate, my brother Robb was always way more into the non-chocolate sweets. He’d get a Fat Frog, or a Bubbl-O Bill, or whatever “boys” got at the time. But even I, in my chocolate-loving bubble, realized that Robb liked the more fun stuff. Better colors, funner names. Sometimes I broke character and went with a Robb Choice. And I’m not sure if it was Robb or Eric, or both, who got me into this:

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But thank you to either one, because wrestling pops are delicious, and had I discovered them sooner, they may have placed higher on the list.

3. Chipwich

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Let’s put it this way. If I’d made this list when I was 12, Chipwiches wouldn’t have even placed. They are that delicious. Making up for years of nostalgia with flavor.

2. Fun Dip

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Fun Dip/Lik-M-Aid (I called it Fun Dip, but on “Freaks and Geeks,” they called it Lik-m-aid, which I now see is the brand) was the BOMB. Something about having in front of you, not one, but three artificially colored and flavored pockets of sweet and sour powder? That you could scoop up with a sweetish chalk stick? And then after all the powder was consumed, eat the stick??? That is Childhood Awesomeness 101, right there.

1. Chocolate Bar In The Middle Pops

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Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat. Somewhere in the ’80s or early ’90s, they stopped making these things right. That pictures is representative of the lesser version of this bar. The original bars were like Chocolate Eclairs…

Photobucket…but with the candy center of the first picture. The original version was superior. In general, I am not a fan of hard chocolate with ice cream. That’s why you see neither Klondike Bars nor these

Photobucketon the list.

However, from the first time I had the original chocolate bar ice cream, I was hooked. The hard exterior displeased me, but something about that middle part. It’s way small, but so dense, and freaking DELICIOUS. I never choose anything else, to this day, so long as this pop is available.

So! What is/was YOUR favorite ice-cream man treat? Stories! Pictures! Taciturn responses! I — nay, the world, want(s) to know!

Posted in Books, Childhood, Family, Food, Friends, Lists, Miscellaneous | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Ballad of Pecan

Posted on August 18, 2012 by judisunshine

It was a Spring day in 1996. I was in my bedroom on the third floor of my Baldwin family home, with two new kittens that were now my babies. One orange and white, one tabby/stray that earned him the moniker “Bootsie’s Ghost” from my dad, because the kitten looked like my first cat Bootsie, minus the “boots.”

The sign on their cage at North Shore Animal League said that these kitties must be adopted together; they were family and must not be separated. I agreed, and felt they should also have coinciding names. For about a day, the kittens were named Archie and Jughead.

Archie was an immediate mush, an obvious kitty whore for love and affection, and I loved him for it. Jughead was cynical and didn’t trust anyone, even as a baby. So when I took a nap that first day, and he came over to me, jittery at first, but eventually, fully vulnerable as he napped next to my legs, I knew he was My Baby.

I don’t remember how exactly, I switched names for my new kittens, but Archie and Jughead never felt quite right to me, and the next day, I changed their names to Pumpkin and Pecan.

They were as different as night and day, though they were brothers from the same litter and loved each other with a kitty phileo love. Pumpkin continued to be a love whore who thought he was a puppy. I loved Pumpkin. He was one of the most sweethearted cats I’ve ever met — completely open and happy to give affection to anyone who’d do the same. He’d stop in the middle of the room and roll onto his back in hopes of having his tummy rubbed, while Pecan watched, raised a proverbial eyebrow, and seemed to question the world at large. A cynical cat worthy of all the bitter poets from the sixties that I didn’t quite get in my younger age. I let them roam my house after that first day (the cats, not the poets), and they paraded around, making the house their own. Pumpkin just wanted to mush with humans, and Pecan wanted to hump stuffed animals, even after he was neutered.

A year and a half later, Pumpkin got sick with a mysterious illness that thousands of dollars in surgery and multiple nights at the animal hospital with my brother couldn’t fix, and we had to put him to sleep. I was devastated for Pumpkin, and for myself, and for my family especially said brother Robb, who was a rock during that sad time, but I was most devastated for Pecan, who’d lost his brother. He and Pumpkin were so close, even North Shore wouldn’t separate them, and now here he was, barely an adult cat, faced with living the rest of his life minus his brother and best friend. After Pumpkin died, I put all of my cat-mom energy into giving Pecan the happiest life I knew how to give.

After losing Bootsie to a car who didn’t see him, I never wanted to let another cat go outdoors, and did my best to keep Pecan domestic and safe. He wanted no part of that. So my twenties were spent coming home to my Baldwin house and greeting Pecan outside. He was no mushy Pumpkin, but when I came home, he’d roll over onto his back and welcome me home, hoping for a tummy rub, scratching and biting me when I gave it to him. As warm and un-cut-out for the outside world as Pumpkin had been, Pecan was borderline feral, and I have two scars on my right arm to prove it, from the day of my 25th birthday celebration at my parents’ house, when he got spooked. I came downstairs after trying to bring him into the festivities, bleeding hard. I wore an Ace bandage on that arm for a month back at college, so no one would think I tried to slit my wrists.

That was Pecan. He didn’t mean to hurt me; he was just a Major Badass. Two years prior to ersatz suicide, we had big drama at our home. There was a stray who became our proxy-cat and whom we named Cupcake, in keeping with the baked-goods theme. It was before I knew to spay and neuter strays when possible, and Cupcake got pregnant with another stray cat’s babies. After she gave birth, my backyard turned into “West Side Story.” A possum started wreaking havoc on the animal neighborhood, and almost killed Cupcake. So while my family tried to keep Cupcake alive, and her kittens alive through droppers of formula, Pecan defended her roost, and would have died himself, were he not so badass, and showed that possum who was Boss! He was a regular Vic Mackey, problematic and possibly with Madonna/whore issues, but overall, keeping the neighborhood safer for the other cats. Protecting Cupcake, and her kittens.

And so it went. Many a night, I awakened from sleep to the wails of cat fighting, and went outside to chase away whatever animal was bugging Pecan, and open the door. “Baby! Come home. It’s okay. You don’t have to fight.”

Pecan would come home, and nap next to my legs, just like that first day when he was a kitten.

Years went on, and Pecan fully settled into the role he played best — misanthrope who enjoyed peripheral people. There was not a Christmas that went by, where he wasn’t under the tree somewhere, glaring at my entire family, yet…there. Obligatorily indignant, but happy for the community.

And when I moved back home after getting married and then getting left, with my two kittens obtained from Oneonta, Pecan welcomed me back with open arms, and quickly adjusted to welcoming the kittens too, enjoying his new position as head honcho. It had been six years since he’d had to share his roost, and while he didn’t seem to quite like his new companions, he seemed somehow happier, that once again, he was around other cats.

It was a Spring day in 2008. My family had moved piece by piece, person by person, to Colorado. And I had to let Pecan go with them. I knew that Pecan loved me, but he loved my mom the most, no contest, and that is where she was going.

So I let him go. Pecan had to go on a plane, so my mom got him sedatives, and I said goodbye to him through the cat carrier. He hated the cat carrier. I’ve never met a cat who didn’t. But he was all peaceful from the drugs, and gave me his patented look of disdain/love through the bars as I said goodbye to him, and cried.

And he went to live the rest of his life in Colorado Springs. Where there are foxes and bears in the backyard. To quasi-paraphrase Cordelia from Buffy Season 3, Ep 2: “Worse than possums!”

Apparently, when Pecan moved to Colorado at the ripe old age of 12, he still went outside. And one time, he was gone for like, a week. My father had always professed, quite vocally, that he hated cats. But he of all people suggested getting a cat to my sister and baby brother. So they adopted two cats who got named Crispin and Tommy. As Pecan was used to random, younger cats showing up, he dealt with these young brothers. Sneering, but very “Game of Thrones” about His Place In Life As An Aging Man.

When Pecan went missing, seeing as he was older, my mom thought maybe he’d gone off to do the cat thing where if you’re going to die, you want to do it in solitude. But Crispin and Tommy went on a quest, and my mom is convinced to this day that they left to save their captain Pecan. The three of them came back, together.

Back in August of last year, my brother Eric set his default to a particularly sweet one that was of him lying on the Baldwin driveway in his suit, bonding with Pecan. And that week, my mom left me a voicemail, that I didn’t return until later.

A couple of months later, on the way to my grandfather’s funeral, a grandfather who in so many ways was like Pecan himself — strong, badass, cantankerous — any and all of the ingredients for an interesting and awesome being — my mom was driving and said, “Oh, I have some bad news. Pecan died.”

She went on to describe Pecan’s losing mobility in his legs, and how he stopped eating, and how she took him to the vet, and how the vet said that Pecan had probably had an aneurism, and there was nothing more they could do. Not anything that would let Pecan live a life with dignity and badassery. That it was only a matter of time, and he was suffering. Greatly.

And as my mother drove to her father’s funeral, to bury the truly great man that was directly responsible for her life, my life, so many people’s lives…she talked about going to the vet that day with Pecan, and putting him to sleep, and how she was a mess, and how Eric comforted her when she was mourning the loss of a cat who always did love her the most.

In cat years, Pecan lived to be 84. When he was 78, in cat years, I went to visit my family in Colorado. He was there, chilling. I was so psyched to see him again, and he seemed mildly interested at my return. I will never forget kissing him goodbye. Next to my family’s new sliding door to the outside world that after all this time, Pecan didn’t need, because after all this time, he was truly happy, just to be home.

And that is all I ever wanted for him, from the moment I saw him in a cage with Pumpkin, when the sign told me that the two were a package deal.

A family waiting to be met.

Rest in peace, Pecan. I love you.

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My 2008 Academy Awards® Recap

Posted on August 15, 2012 by judisunshine

I am nothing if not topical, so I hope that on this balmy August 2012 evening, you will enjoy this recap of the 2008 Oscars!

Oscars Pictures, Images and Photos

It’s been 10 years since I truly enjoyed an Oscars® show, but it was worth the wait, because this was by far my favorite one ever. Starting with the opening shot of this curtain made from crystals. MAN is that crystal curtain GORGEOUS. I really don’t care about diamonds, but there is something about crystal — if it’s there, it’s hard for me not to just stare and stare at it. Crystals are stunning.

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And speaking of stunning, here is Hugh Jackman, and you know, I thought Hugh Jackman was as awesome as the next person, but after tonight, I have an entirely new level of love and respect for him. I have enjoyed every Oscars® host at least once, but Hugh Jackman was my favorite by far. Right from the jump, he trolls Kate Winslet, and she gets all bashful. And wait! Now that I think about it, where was Jack Nicholson last night?

Anyway, Jackman talks about budget cuts, and proceeds to introduce a segment done like a big play/variety show. The sets are pretty Spartan and representational, which is charming in itself, but completely come to life thanks to Jackman’s singing and dancing. He sings with Anne Hathaway at one point, and it is just lovely.

Oh! And at one point in the song, Hugh asks why comic book movies are not nominated that year. GOOD QUESTION, Hugh Jackman! This will be a theme throughout the night. I think Hollywood maybe finally pulled its head out of its ass long enough to realize that the traditional snobby circle-jerk bit is losing a lot of interest, really fast. So hopefully next year, we’ll see less snobbery in the nominations, although I will say that this was by FAR the least snobby I’ve ever seen the Oscars.

iron man Pictures, Images and Photos

A new thing they are doing is having a group of former winners in a category come out to talk about each nominee in that category. It’s actually very nice. Penelope Cruz wins Supporting Actress, and although she is still a bit of a question mark to me, I’m happy for her, and also she is BFF with Salma Hayek, whom I’m convinced is one of the coolest people of all time.

“Milk” wins Best Original Screenplay and Sean Penn, despite all odds, looks legitimately happy at the Oscars. It’s weird. But nice! And the writer of “Milk” gives probably my favorite acceptance speech of the night, but I want to blog about it in more depth in the future, so I’ll move on for now.

Tina Fey is here! And “Slumdog Millionaire” wins Best Adapted Screenplay.

YAY to an “Iron Giant” reference!

Iron Giant :) Pictures, Images and Photos

Jennifer Aniston is with Jack Black, and JA really looks fantastic, very radiant and healthy. Of course they cut to Brad and Angelina’s reactions, but it’s just your standard freeze face of awkward politeness, and the most interesting part of it all is seeing that Angelina Jolie is wearing simple black, with the focus being on her green earrings and matching big ring. I like it.

But so anyway Jen and Jack do banter and award “WALL-E” with Best Animated Feature. Yay! Even though I think they should have skipped this category, and just stop being such snobs to think cartoons can’t be best films in their own right. But either way, “WALL-E” was GREAT, and I’m glad it got recognized.

Walll-e Pictures, Images and Photos

One other thing they did this year that I really liked was to have the non-major categories introduced in sets. So instead of spending 10 new hours with new stars giving the Oscar for Best Animated Short Film to “La Maison en Petits Cubes,” they keep Jen and Jack around to do it. I like it. I personally enjoy the minor category awards, but agree that the Oscars have been getting way too long. I like the new way they set things up. It’s more efficient and more intimate.

Here are Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig to award someone for great Art Direction. SJP looks very nice, but I get very annoyed when she perkily calls the Joker crazy. Not to single out Sarah; a bunch of people during the show refer to the Joker as crazy, and I will have to blog on that another time. “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” wins, and although I’m sad it’s not “The Dark Knight,” I love period movie artistry, and though I haven’t seen it yet, I know “Benjamin Button” has not just one period, but a bunch. So that makes sense. They also award Costume Design to “The Duchess” and Makeup to “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.”

Robert Pattinson graces the stage with his I-will-steal-your-heart-at-the-coffeehouse-then-cheat-on-you demeanor, and Amanda Seyfried, whom I adore. They introduce a Romance 2008 montage, which is pretty cool.

Amanda Seyfried Pictures, Images and Photos

But in the meantime, here are Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller doing a bit, and Ben Stiller has a big, bushy beard like Joaquin Phoenix. “Slumdog Millionaire” wins Cinematography, and the winning dude has hair like the “Nicolas Cage has a bird on your head/Your argument is invalid,” only it’s not a bird.

Yay Ron Howard in the audience! Did I ever tell you I had a big crush on Ron Howard for years?

Hi Danny Boyle! Danny Boyle is one of the People I’d Like To Meet.

Danny Boyle Pictures, Images and Photos

Danny Boyle Pictures, Images and Photos

Jessica Biel comes out dressed like a cross between a Greek goddess and the Statue of Liberty and talks about the Sci-Fi Technical Awards.

YAY!!! There is this whole “Pineapple Express” sketch there to be all, “That’s right bitches! Don’t nominate our movie – we’re still going to get it legalized!” More on THAT another time, you can be sure. Anyway, it’s amazing. They talk about how comedies never get nominated, and watch all these movies completely high. And James Franco lends more credence to my theory that “Pineapple Express” is one of the most important Libertarian movies ever made by actually saying, “Who do you think is a better actor? Ronald Reagan or Barack Obama?” Brilliant way of sneaking that one past the Hollywood elite – “Oh they’re so silly and crazy, on their drugs!” Oh man, do I heart “Pineapple Express” in a major, major way.

pineapple express Pictures, Images and Photos

^^^ Save the dealer, save the world 😮 ^^^

Now James Franco and Seth Rogen are here in real life, only they are not supposed to be high, although they definitely seem to be, and unfortunately James Franco has taken a shower and cut his hair, and they are now joined by Janus Kaminsky to honor “Spielzeugland” with Live Action Short Film. Though I kind of really want to see “New Boy,” based on the clips.

Okay, I did mostly love this awards show, but I did NOT at all like the way the announcer breaks for commercial by saying (I’m paraphrasing off memory), “Coming up…one of the most talked-about awards of the year.” Meaning Supporting Actor.

But back to the positive, I absolutely loved the next bit. Hugh Jackman talks about musicals being back, and sings with Beyonce and it turns into this whole musical medley, and the “Mamma Mia!” people come out and sing, and Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron are there. They’re all mixing up lines from different musicals! It’s very exciting and they end with a big finish (redundant?) and Hugh Jackman going, “The musical is back!” and I’m seriously glad I watched these Oscars.

Montage of actors, and I just want to share this George Burns quote, because it made me cry: “And if you get to be old enough, you get to be new again.”

George burns LP Custom Pictures, Images and Photos

And it is time for Best Supporting Actor. Kevin Kline is the one who speaks about Heath Ledger, and he does a wonderful and respectful job. Then the winner is announced, and it is Heath Ledger, and I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding and maybe I will write more on this another time, but for now I’ll just say that it was an incredibly sad, but incredibly beautiful moment, and the acceptance speech was beautiful.

Heath Ledger Pictures, Images and Photos

Joker Police Car Pictures, Images and Photos

Bill Maher presents the Best Documentary award to “Man On Wire,” and one of the people accepting is excited in a really contagious way. He does a magic trick, which of course I think is awesome coming right after Ledger’s win for the Joker. “Smile Pinki” wins Best Documentary Short Film.

There is an action montage, and here is Will Smith! Have I mentioned how much I loved “Hancock?” I know a lot of people said it sucked, but I loved it. Mr. Smith awards Best Visual Effects to “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.” Then, in an amazing showcase of irony, he trips over a bunch of lines regarding the importance of sound in film. Sound Editing goes to “The Dark Knight,” which is thrilling. “LOOK. AT. ME!” Sound Mixing goes to “Slumdog Millionaire,” and Danny Boyle is grinning from ear to ear and I’m wondering if he’s going to start climbing on seats and kissing Sophia Loren like Roberto Benigni did 10 years ago, especially when “Slumdog Millionaire” goes on to win Film Editing, as well.

This is such a happy, upbeat Oscars. People seem legitimately thrilled to be a part of it, and that’s like, all I ever ask from Hollywood, at the end of the day.

Eddie Murphy is here, presenting the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Jerry Lewis, and the whole thing is very touching, especially the way Jerry Lewis looks around the audience and it’s hard to explain, but it was pretty amazing.

Jerry Lewis Pictures, Images and Photos

Oh, this is really nice. The band plays score music from the nominated movies for said category. I love scores. And Zac Efron and Alicia Keys present Best Original Score to “Slumdog Millionaire.” Then the people who did “Jai Ho” for “Slumdog Millionaire” come out and perform it and I am completely blown away. GORGEOUS. “Jai Ho” wins Best Original Song, and in his acceptance speech, A.R. Rahman says:

All my life, I had a choice – hate and love. I chose love.

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So I cry again. But no time for sorrow, because Liam Neeson and Freida Pinto are letting us all know that “Departures” won Best Foreign Language Film.

What happens next is simply magnificent. Queen Latifah starts singing, and in case you don’t know, I love Queen Latifah more than I can ever convey. She starts singing “I’ll Be Seeing You,” and keeps singing it over the tribute to the Academy members who died last year. Words cannot do justice to how lovely it is.

Reese Witherspoon presents Danny Boyle with Best Director, and I’m very happy for him and his huge smile.

Time for Best Actress. In one of my favorite moments of the evening, Shirley Maclaine introduces Anne Hathaway as one of the nominees, and gives this amazing speech that has Anne losing her shit, yet remaining elegant. But in the end, Kate Winslet wins, and I’m thrilled, because I love her. Always. I have never not loved Kate Winslet, whether as a character, or at events like these, or giving an interview.

In a surprise upset vote, Sean Penn wins Best Actor! And gives a very nice speech and doesn’t even throw any chairs or yell at us to boycott something or another. Not that I mind when people do that; I’m just saying. He does talk about Prop 8, which makes sense, and congratulates the audience on electing an elegant present.

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Here is Steven Spielberg, looking exactly the same as he has every time I’ve ever seen him since his hair turned silver back in the day. It’s really pretty remarkable. He shows us a montage of films, and I’ve gotta say, the Oscars have had really great montages this year, and then Best Picture goes to…

“Slumdog Millionaire!”

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~ THE END ~

The other Oscars I recapped

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5 Movies That Creeped Me Out As a Kid

Posted on August 9, 2012 by judisunshine

There were cinematic experiences growing up that simply terrified me like “Salem’s Lot,” or traumatized me via ghouls and angry houses, like “The Amityville Horror” and that one film with the moving-eye George Washington portrait. Brrr. There were movies that scared me, but/so I fell in love with them, like “Poltergeist.” There were movies that I liked, but didn’t appreciate how scary they were until I was an adult, like “The Secret of N.I.M.H.,” as my brother Robb suggested when I mentioned this blog.

But then there were other things that didn’t scare me, so much as leave me feeling deeply unsettled. Movies that linger in my memory like the faint slime that stayed in my mouth after my friends and I did shots of breast milk. I’ve only revisited one of them in my adult years, probably because of the fear that my mind will be blown when I realize that these movies weren’t just nightmares from my childhood. Here are five of them:

The Dark Crystal

This is the one I watched as an adult. And I must say, things certainly took their sweet-ass time back in the day. Between “Romper Room” and “The Electric Company,” not to mention “Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.” It’s no wonder we Gen Xers have gone crazy living in such a fast-paced world. During our youth, we spent hours watching kids slowly move across balance beams that were two inches from the floor.

And “The Dark Crystal” is no exception. That movie is slowwwww. But, I am happy to report, still creepy.

Haha, “Robot Chicken” is so awesome 😀

Return to Oz

I remember being very excited this one day when I was 11. I went to Vacation Bible School in the morning, distressing me to no end because while I loved God, I did not love waking up in the summer to go make napkin holders. Afterwards, my grandparents took me to a hatchery, and the hatchery wasn’t my thing, But I was excited the whole time because I knew that when we got back, we were going to watch the premiere of “Return to Oz” on IIRC the Disney Channel. “The Wizard of Oz” was my hands-down favorite movie when I was a kid, and the idea of continuing the magic was awesome. And what a fascinating-looking girl Fairuza Balk was!

Unfortunately, “Return to Oz” upset me in a way that I can’t really explain and I didn’t enjoy it. But at least I can still enjoy Fairuza in “The Craft.”

The Electric Grandmother

Awhile back, I was being my usual model-employee self and spent a day at a desk job reading Wikipedia articles, including one about “The Electric Grandmother.” And the description actually sounds kind of touching. But all I remember is the plethora of nightmares it gave me, not to mention a deep fear of going into dark basements. I just remember the grandmother rocking back and forth in her chair, eyes staring blankly.

The Peanut Butter Solution

Dude. What was UP with this movie!!! My brother Robb’s offered to acquire it for me, and I’m both delighted and terrified. My boyfriend says one reason he loves me is that I am (besides my brother) the only other person he’s ever met who remembers “The Peanut Butter Solution.” It was about this kid who loses his hair for some reason, and then rubs like, magic peanut butter on his head? And his hair starts growing. As someone who always coveted luxurious hair, I was a bit jealous of this kid. Until his hair WON’T STOP GROWING and starts to destroy his life! That’s about all I remember, though I watched this movie multiple times back in the day when HBO would play the same movies on an endless loop.

Fortress

Okay, this is the one movie on my list that actually did scare-scare me, in its entirety. And best of all, this was totally sanctioned by my parents! Murder was no biggie as long as there were no boobs in something. This one is I think based on a true story, about a teacher who gets kidnapped by this band of men in the CREEPIEST masks. The leader is “Father Christmas,” and one is a scary duck! Anyway, the kidnappees turn the tables, and NO SPOILERS BUT YOU NEED TO WATCH TILL THE END! It’s all very terrifying, and of course most importantly, creepy.

 

Posted in Childhood, Entertainment, Family, Lists, Miscellaneous, Movies, Superheroes/Villains | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 16: Private Valentine

Posted on July 30, 2012 by judisunshine

Private Valentine W-N Pictures, Images and Photos

Major Movie Star Pictures, Images and Photos

aka Major Movie Star!

From the jump, you know this movie is going to be fantastic, as lots of different fruits are being cut, including an entire kiwi peeled in one swoop a la “Sleepless in Seattle,” and an egg is being boiled, and this is the work of Camille, maid to Jessica Simpson. Camille delivers Jessica’s breakfast to her in bed. Jessica sleeps flat on her back and doesn’t move any covers while she sleeps, just like my friend Shannon. And Jessica says “Peekaboo” to her dog a few times.

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Now she is with her friends in curlers and I’m not sure whether she’s shopping, or at some kind of rich people spa, but she is in curlers looking at clothes and it turns out Peekaboo is her dog’s name, and is shopping with Jessica.

There is a creepy daddy figure in a seemingly unintended metastatement, and he is Jessica’s manager. He doesn’t like Jessica’s low-cut black dress and tons o’ makeup and says she is more suited to “Backdoor Blondes” than to represent as America’s sweetheart. He gives her a white dress instead. And we will discuss the concept of big boobs = “trashy” on another day, but I will say that Jessica does always look better to me when she’s more natural. Still, this guy (Nigel) obviously doesn’t think much of women.

The one guy from “Popular” is here as Jessica’s boyfriend and they kiss and it’s all very white, blonde, and bland.

Well what do we have here but Steve Guttenberg! He is Jessica’s agent, and we get a pretty awkward scene where Jessica really wants to star in a Barbra Streisand biopic. Now just for the sake of my own sanity, I’m going to pretend that this is a subversive satire on Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Audrey Hepburn movie. Either way, Jessica pouts a LOT and says maybe she can’t play Babz, but she no longer wants to do talking dog movies.

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Movie premiere. Jessica is wearing white and has her hair down but done. She’s toned down the makeup and seriously looks great. Nigel the Misogynist was right about the dress.

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Inside the theater, we see Jessica talking to a dog; then it’s over and Wonder Bread Boyfriend has to leave and Jessica is sad.

But about to get sadder, as Steve Guttenberg reveals that Cousin Barry has been stealing from Jessica. I don’t know who Cousin Barry is, but he stole 15 million dollars. All of her investments. She’s going to lose her home! She says she guesses she can live in the guesthouse, and Steve Guttenberg is like that’s part of the house, bimbo.

So Jessica calls up her sister in the middle of the night and her sister Ginny goes no dude, it’s super late, and you never call me so why should I talk to you now? What a bitch!

On top of all the current woe, Jessica catches Nigel the Misogynist and Wonder Bread Boyfriend in bed together! And for some reason they are wearing matching underwear. WBB goes, “What’s the biggie?” and Jessica whispers, “Why?” WBB replies that Nigel the Misogynist said it would be good for his career to date Jessica, so she takes a bottle of champagne and cries in her car.

Now I don’t know if she is drinking the champagne while driving (either way, UNCOOL, Jessica), but it is open on the seat next to her. A raccoon jumps in front of her car; she screeches and swerves, and she and her pink car crash in a convenient ditch of trees that they always have in movies. Her Guide Start car thing starts asking what happened, and Jessica calls it Mr. Start which is pretty funny, but when he says the police are coming, she notices the bottle of champagne dripping down all over the passenger seat, and is like, this is not good. So she just kind of leaves the car with the champagne and drinks it while stumbling around and I’ll tell you right now (SPOILER ALERT!) that never once does this come back to bite her in the ass, like I guess her whole “Maid to Order” personality revision is coming and we’re supposed to see that as her comeuppance, but I REALLY THINK that in real life if “America’s Sweetheart” was wandering around drunk with a crashed car somewhere, the paparazzi just might catch wind of it.

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But for now, Jessica has to pee. So she goes into this Army recruiting office.

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While there, Jessica is mesmerized by the exciting recruitment videos, and feels as though they speak to her, and she wants it NOW, daddy! And signs up with her beaming smile that will become a plot point soon enough.

No time is wasted, for we are now on a bus and Jessica is passed out in her drunken white dress getup and the girl next to her who is tiny and has huge glasses so I will call her Carol Seaver, recognizes Jessica from her movies and worries that she is dead. But then Jessica wakes up and everyone freaks out and is like, this girl thinks she can join the Army? But meanwhile it’s like, YOU girls think you can? Because this is the saddest bunch of recruits I’ve ever seen.

major movie star animation Pictures, Images and Photos

Everyone out of the bus; it’s boot camp time! Every single girl is completely inept, and it’s actually pretty offensive in that respect, as though this is some kind of Dire Warning about what will happen if women become part of the draft when only these girls sign up for it, and then.

THEN.

There just…it…hold on, I’m detoxing and can’t eat, drink, or smoke, so I need a spicy lemonade for strength. BRB.

Okay see because Jessica sucks at being a soldier, she has to drop and give ten! Ten what, she of course asks. Ten pushups.

Well when I tell you that Jessica Simpson in a strapless dress doing pushups with her hair falling over her shoulders looks kind of naked when you only see her reaction to these pushups, that is not all. The scene is shot from below as if she were a porn star receiving doggie style. For a VERY LONG TIME.

AND HER FATHER PRODUCED THIS!!!

That is not the end of the creepiness though, so I will move on.

Because yay, it’s LANE KIM!!! Amongst the Army girls. Jessica of course is like, “Where’s my room?” and ironically snoozes and loses, at least I think it’s ironic since she loses a prime snooze space and has to take a top bunk.

5 am, rise and shine! For training. Jessica is like I changed my mind, the Army was an impulse purchase and people are like you signed up bitch, now deal! She calls up whining a la Cher Horowitz to Steve Guttenberg that she wants to go home, and as Steve listens to the message, we get this REALLY WEIRD dramatic war slo-mo montage with intense music and Jessica screaming.

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Steve Guttenberg tries in vain to rescue Jessica. The Army dude in charge is saying that she signed a contract, yada yada, so she is stuck.

Montage.

And now lunch, with Cheri Oteri showing up to make things more confusing. And we find out Lane may have stumbled onto the wrong set from Stars Hollow, but is still awesome because she wants to grow medical marijuana for a living.

MM Pictures, Images and Photos

Oh did I mention Vivica A. Fox is in this movie? Yup. She is in charge of the ladies, and something happens with guns and she asks Jessica, “Are you trying to start a discharge?” And Jessica replies, “Ew, no,” and my friend cracks up.

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But Vivica does not find it quite so funny, and sentences the whole crew to pushups and since Jessica has all her clothes on, she pouts.

Now we get Cherie Oteri back story, as she calls Jessica “poopy pants” (must have watched “Newlyweds”) and yells that she is here to get her stripes back and that Jessica sucks for making them all do extra work because she is lazy and incompetent.

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But it didn’t sink through Jessica, unlike some OTHER things, bam chicka, and we see Jessica late for training and she still has perfect acrylic tips, which, having had acrylic tips back during my disposable-income days, I don’t buy. What I do buy is her flirting with the Sergeant. He’s all conflicted. Sigh.

This part isn’t funny. Carol Seaver’s brother died in Afghanistan, and she wants to make him proud, and it’s genuinely sad and sweet. So Jessica gets inspired, and tries her hardest in a drill, and makes it to the top of the tower with the other girls, but OH NO, she has forgotten her rifle down below! As a result, the group gets punished yet again and has to run in place in the rain, rifles overhead, and chant that they’ll never be without their rifles.

FAIL again, as Jessica falls in the mud and is dismissed.

And while her poor fellow soldiers are stuck with Jessica’s punishment, Jessica gets to flirt with Sergeant of Love some more. He asks her why she seems to believe she’s going to fail, and they bond in the rain. All inspired from the testosterone, Jessica comes back and runs despite being dismissed, as IF Chef Ramsay would even allow that, much less the United States Army, but no matter because this is Jessica’s Journey, and thunder claps over the classical music.

It’s nice that everyone here has her reasons for joining the military, but it’s rather annoying that NONE of the women seems to have just wanted to join…to join. I don’t personally want to be in the military, but plenty of vagina-bedecked people do it just to serve, not only for acceptable “female” reasons. Carol Seaver is one thing; hers is military-related. The rest of the girls just seem as though they just were like, well I guess the military. Sure, why not?

Speaking of Carol Seaver, she totally just left her gun like, lying on a bunk bed, but Jessica covers for her and also mouths off to Vivica. So Vivica sentences her to cleaning the bathroom with a toothbrush and Jessica responds actually kind of awesomely and is all sassy but this time it kind of works.

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Jessica imitates Vivica, and then…Joe Pesci. And the less said about that, the better. But bottom line is, she is teaching Carol Seaver to be assertive, and I’m not gonna lie – I love Carol, she is totally adorable!!! And is apparently in “High School Musical.”

Now we have Jessica cleaning the bathroom and it’s kind of annoying that she just starts in the middle of the floor; I mean I know she is pampered, but still. Here she bonds with Connie, who has a daughter she is doing this for and she needs to go back to school and Jessica talks about her sister and learns an Important Lesson About Family when Connie says “In the end…(family’s) all you’ve got.” First of all, that’s not true. Second of all, seriously, that is the line? Okay.

Now she is bonding with Castillo, who was called a “gang chick” by somebody, but here she is showing her sensitive side because y’all know how we women like to bond in the bathroom. No, seriously.

Now Jessica is writing a letter to someone named “Dolores,” and we conveniently switch to a mail room scene, where Jessica’s fan mail is considered contraband, and Cherie Oteri has no mail 😥

Training! But with lots of cameras! The paparazzi has found out that not only is Jessica there, but she does doggie-style pushups, to boot!

Andy Milonakis lurks around. Obviously.

Andy Milonakis Pictures, Images and Photos

Now we get an Uplifting Montage of Triumph, only…yeah. Jessica takes all the knapsacks  and twirls down a pole with her legs. Mm-hm. Turns out her first role was as a “stripper with a heart of gold,” and the Army leader dude makes a mental note to go to Blockbuster, only I have to say that Blockbuster is more like a rummage sale now than a reliable video store.

Girl bonding that leads to a dance montage where Jessica shows off more stripper moves.

This is the transition in the movie where Jessica learns that there is more to life than manicures and fame. Or something. Not that it stops her and all the other girls in her unit (is that the right term?) from running with their hair down, and seriously I was distracted by this movie’s being a LOT less horrible than you’d think, in a strange way, but this is harshing on my elation buzz. An ENTIRE group of Army girls who run with their hair down? I don’t even run with my hair down when I’m jogging around the neighborhood!

Okay. Are you ready for more creepiness? Because I wasn’t. I mean, I was ready for some creepiness, but not…

See, they’re all in their bunk beds bonding, and talking about having PMS and wanting comfort food. So Jessica steals Cherie Oteri’s keys to the mess hall (?) or some closet that has food, and it gets very “Indian Summer,” and I’m seriously and truly pissed about this whole “the power of Barbie compels you” attitude about the freaking Army, my God, and they get past a guard dog because Jessica did that one talking dog movie (okay…)

And they get chocolate bars, which they proceed to fellate, and I don’t just mean the usual “Oh aren’t I cute with my lollipop; what do you MEAN blow job (* eye bat *) bit, I mean they are full-on SLOBBERING over these things and rubbing them on their faces.

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^^^Amirite?!^^^

Oh and I forgot to mention that this is accompanied, in fact, by bamp chicka wow wow music…

…which gets interrupted by Cherie Oteri, the one woman semi-resembling a responsible soldier, but that pesky extra X chromosome of hers means she certainly can’t resist CHOCOLATE, and she too gets down with a chocolate bar and the music kicks back in and the girls resume their sub-par candy eating skills.

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After the awkwardness subsides, they sit around and bond and Jessica admits that her boyfriend was sleeping with her manager, and she is broke, but for the first time is her own person and she has real friends and it’s cheesy but sweet, and I temporarily forget that they really should have been caught by now. Oh and she’s gotten some mail from a “Dolores” that makes her triumphant, but why, I don’t know.

Oh here’s why. Dolores sent a videotape of Vivica Fox in a horror movie. Never mind the fact that Vivica outranks them and is doing her job by attempting to whip their asses into shape; she dared to insult JESSICA and so must be humiliated.

A tabloid-type magazine comes out and Jessica is busted, having called the other soldiers trailer trash, etc. The article also says that Jessica was just doing research for a movie, not really in the Army, and the girls all feel betrayed.

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But lo, what is this but Steve Guttenberg, come to spring Jessica from chocolate orgies and fail! They conveniently caught Barry in Amsterdam (hope he said hi to Caroline!), and got Jessica’s money back! Woo freaking hoo! And they are running with the “This was for a movie” angle.

Jessica is home, so of course we need a montage of her all lonely, then we see her taking a morning jog, and I’m surprised they had her in a bra for this scene.

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But the jog fills her with resolve, as she now fires one of her underlings and I wonder if it was like her friend from “Newlyweds” who used to creepily seem all up in Nick Lache’s business, but either way Jessica manages to give one of the weirdest line deliveries ever in the history of cinema when she squeaks, “I never really wanted to work for you anyway!” and it sounds exactly like the time I was in a play and we were rehearsing and I was shooting for sassy but apparently sounded like “Shirley Temple,” as my director put it, except they just went with the first take I guess here, and she swivels away.

Promo for Little Miss Broadway, 1938. Pictures, Images and Photos

Nigel the Misogynist is fired! And Jessica wants a new accountant! And never again will she be told not to look like a whore at a movie premiere, or what movie she will do or not do, and she wants to sign off on every monetary transaction, and that’s actually pretty cool.

Jessica leaves and goes back to the Army, and Sergeant of Love nods all knowingly and Vivica welcomes her back instead of kicking her ass, and now they have to go into the woods and rescue a wounded soldier as a drill. While in the woods, Cherie Oteri is like “What what, Army Barbie?” and Jessica drops a map.

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So of course the girls are pissed at her but Jessica’s like, “Whatever bitches, deal; do you not see how white my teeth are and how effortlessly I furrow my brow?” And they’re all like yeah, you’re right, and cooperate…

…until they realize the map is gone! And Castillo is like screw YOU are you KIDDING me, as she should be, but Carol Seaver defends Jessica and Jessica has the unmitigated gall to say, “Listen girls, let’s focus!” Because nothing is better than a flaky leader who treats you like a hotel, and she is like, Lane, you always had your hand up in all our Navigation classes (WHAT classes? When was THIS?), can’t you do something? And it’s really good that Jessica has learned her lesson about making all her epic fails someone else’s problem, but luckily Keiko Agena is awesome no matter the source material, and she helps them all out.

Keiko Agena Pictures, Images and Photos

Cut to Cherie Oteri ruling with an iron fist, and she starts talking about how her ex left her for a chick with some fake boobs.

Now each girl gets to have a line about her racial background and it’s about as deep and non-stereotypical as “Diversity Day” on “The Office.”

Okay, I don’t remember why, exactly, the soldiers need fish. Maybe the wounded soldier is hungry. But…but…I really don’t want to write this part…Jessica tells a story about how her daddy taught her when she was a little girl that peeing in the water will attract fish. And then we see her pissing in the ocean. And between this, the stripper pole, the doggie-style pushups, and the chocolate gangbang, I am really, REALLY worried about exactly who is out there buying this DVD.

Speaking of which, Jessica is now on all fours, and this time a guy actually says “doggie style.” Sometimes, I wish I dropped acid. Or had some regular acid to throw in my eyes and ears.

Here we have the pinnacle scene from every rich-girl-goes-poor-but-uses-being-spoiled-to save-the-day movie from the ‘80s, as Jessica flags down a car and gets directions from this car’s “Mr. Start” as to the quickest route possible.

Well, the quickest route involves alligators. Or crocodiles, I never know. But I think alligators. And the girls go through a swamp. We know this because, well you see, they come up in unison from under the swamp water (???) and Jessica leads in slo-mo as military music plays.

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Now they are climbing on beams and why is this necessary, well I’ll tell you why, so that Jessica can do more pole moves and say “Peekaboo” even though her dog is totally not there, and their team wins.

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Victory. Smiles. Clapping. Chest bumps.

The guy in charge gives a moving speech and makes them all soldiers and tells Carol Seaver that her brother would be proud and she cries, and that part, I have absolutely no sarcasm for. It is very sweet.

And they all receive gold coins with stars on them.

Fast-forward! To all of the girls wearing new uniforms. Jessica salutes Vivica and Vivica gets a glimmer of respect, despite all of Jessica’s assholery.

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Graduation ceremony, or I think that is what it is, and families are reunited. Everyone is proud. That part is nice until Castillo slaps her boyfriend then hugs him, lest we miss any opportunity for double standards between the genders.

Sergeant of Love watches Jessica reunite with her sister, now that she has learned the Important Lesson About Family. The sister does not apologize for being such a bitch on the phone, and does not say, “Thank God you are not dead;” she just says, “I really appreciated your letters.”

Cherie Oteri makes nice with Jessica out of nowhere, and Jessica asks to hug her, and Cherie says no, she is reserved for another Army dude with whom she is going to have sex.

Sergeant of Love is waiting behind a tree for Jessica, and gives her respect. He’s going to Iraq. And rather than question the sudden disappearance of yet another guy in a career that might benefit from a long-distance “girlfriend,” Jessica kisses him and the music swells and my friend cracks up. As she walks away, Jessica tosses Sergeant of Love her gold coin and says she expects it back…

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…as she gets on her…helicopter…and as my friend yells at the TV, “WHY is she getting a helicopter escort? To fucking WHERE???”

True that.

Annnnnd, credits.

~ THE END ~

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