So I’ve been feeling extremely off, and I don’t know if it’s the weather, the stress of moving AGAIN, or what. So I decided to hit the health food store. While in GNC, I thought of getting some detox tea, or anything saying “detox.” Since I’m quitting smoking soon. And because I’m sure I need some detoxification. But all of that stuff was like, 10 thousand dollars, and I only had 22.

I resigned myself to being riddled with toxins until I could acquire more money. But then at the register, they had a mini-green-stuff packet. And apparently, that is all very important stuff to consume when you quit smoking. So I picked up a packet with fear and trepidation. Even the cashier was like, “That stuff tastes pretty terrible. The berry flavor is better, but we don’t carry them individually.”

I’m not gonna lie. I am terrified to drink this stuff. My dad drinks it every morning, and basically it looks like the results of that “Creepshow” meteor, in a glass. Horrible. But potentially helpful. And I am the MASTER of drinking gross things. Here’s a highlight reel!

Pickle juice
I didn’t really mind the pickle juice all that much. One of my old Boulder Creek managers, Dave, was fascinated by my willingness to drink random things when dared and/or offered rewards. And we had run out of pickles, so decided to divvy up the remaining juice. Some were braver than others. I was the only one who wasn’t completely grossed out by it, though I will admit that its warmth and neon-urine appearance was a tad unsettling.

Drawn butter
This was a for-profit dare drink. Aforementioned manager Dave got the bright idea to see if I’d drink this cup of drawn butter that was just sitting out for hours. And sorry to burst anyone’s bubble, but it’s not real butter. It’s just oil. That was separating, both color- and texture-wise, in a very dramatic way. I told Dave I’d do it for a no-back-of-the-house card, which gets you out of sidework. And I hate sidework. But he was way too excited for me to do this, so I negotiated a first-cut card too. And then I drank the fat, totally making Ross Gellar my bitch. And yeah, it was really pretty gross. Drinking oil = weirder than it sounds.

Cayenne pepper juice of some nature
Maxi from Red Lobster alerted me to this magical juice that I really need to find again. It is just something else, like I can’t even explain how seemingly innocuous it appears. Maybe Dr. Pepper, with a kick. In actuality, it tastes like if you mixed Robitussin, horseradish, and the hottest hot sauce there is. Amazing. Tastes terrible, but in an invigorating way. And the most fun thing about it is getting unsuspecting people to try it. Totally worth the meanness to see their horrified reactions.

Aloe vera gel
I thought I was supposed to get the juice. But all I saw was the gel. “How different could it be?” I wondered. Let’s just say that when you mix something with orange juice, stir it rapidly with a fork, and still find yourself drinking gelatinous chunks? Well, you can better understand my Winter of ’96. Because that jug cost like 30 dollars and I figured if Steve could do it, so could I. Later on I found out indeed, I was supposed to get the juice. He was amazed that I drank so much of the gel, and frankly, so was I. And still remain.

A bottle of barbecue sauce
We’d all gone to lunch — Dan, Bonnie, Shannon, and me. First we got food from ShopRite, then brought it to the park. Dan had gotten chicken nuggets and bought a bottle of barbecue sauce for them, of which he consumed the tiniest bit. After lunch, he jokingly offered Bonnie 20 dollars to drink the bottle. Bonnie was not interested, but I was! And just to get him to follow through, I offered to do it in three minutes or less. So I chugged that stuff, man. The taste wasn’t bad, but it was really pretty thick. And kind of spicy. My body went from hot to cold and so on and so forth and basically I felt like Angel in “The Dark Age” when they send Giles’s EZ-Bake Demon into Angel to battle it out. But I got the 20 dollars!

TRIUMPH!

Breast milk
Other drink challenges took longer, hurt my stomach more, and were just all around grosser. But the breast milk may have been my least favorite of all. Why did I drink breast milk, you may ask? Well…because it was there! Not in *that* way. My friend was defrosting some, and my girlfriends and I decided, what a wonderful and funny way to bond! So we all poured a shot, promising that any time one of us had a kid, we’d all send up a toast and drink the milk. The initial taste, not bad, the “cantaloupe juice” comparison from (once again!) “Friends” is pretty apt, though I don’t know if I’d so much say “juice” as “thin film of slime.” It just kind of stuck around, the aftertaste, the after feel. Though I will keep my word and cheers it up if Shannon, Ruth or I ever become With Child.

I’ll let you know how the “Creepshow” stuff compares! I have a feeling it may win. *Shudder.*

BREAKING NEWS! Three and a half years later, I finally drank the green drink! And you know what? It’s not half bad! I even kind of like it!

©April 18, 2008