Watching “Vanderpump Rules” as a newcomer feels much like it did back in the olden days, before you could fully binge on any given show with just the click of a button. For this show is not available on DVD, and anywhere you can find full eps online, you have to pay for them individually, and I don’t have that kind of money!

So I’m left to hoard the precious eps I do have on the DVR. Please forgive the capricious order, as we start with the first S3 ep (9): “What Happens In San Diego…”

Omg! I’m not going to recap the previouslies (heh, my autocorrect changes that to “previous lies”) for regular eps, but these previouslies have my hands-down favorite clip of the show — Scheana’s and Stassi’s hissing exchange, culminating with Stassi’s classic line: “You know, I’m not really sure what I’ve done to you, but I’ll take a pinot grigio.”

And Scheana’s equally classic face in response:

Credits, and onto the episode! Stassi, Kristina, and Vail show up to Vinoteque, which already piques my interest, because “Vino,” if not so much the “Teque.” Not that I’m anti-Teque, but a place could be called “Vino Dirty Alleyway,” and I’d listen. Stassi is dressed more Julie Cooper than ever in all leopard print, and they are here to celebrate her birthday. They are the first there, because Stassi “is so on time for everything, it disgusts (her).”

Then Stassi confessionals about how it is when a new girl comes to school, and proceeds to describe the politics of the Fabulous Five, series spinoff to the Taffy Sinclair books, only among 20- and 30-somethings at SUR. Essentially, the different cliques fight over who gets the new girl in their group. In this case, Vail.

Katie, Schwartz, and Peter show up and kiss Stassi hello. Stassi said she wanted a chill birthday this year, so why not wine taste? Right on. Then we get an awesome montage of past not-so-chill Stassi birthdays, where she screeches and tells people to shut the *bleep* up, because it’s her birthday. All while sporting a rather enviable bosom.

In real time, the waiter brings over a lovely assortment of wine, and they cheers to Stassi. Kristina gets all, “And NO drama, you guys,” in keeping with the reality show rule that she who smelt it, dealt it, because where was there drama tonight, thus far?

Oh here it is! Stassi says “literally” (DRINK!), and pointedly brings up the non-invited Jax, Kristen, and Scheana; then Jeremy and Jen say they got a second-tier invite to Scheana’s wedding. Everyone chortles, because suddenly the table is filled with Emily Gilmores.

Not a fan of the ensuing cattiness over someone’s wedding plans, and agree with Vail, as she confessionals that the level of shit talking is off the charts and what are they going to say about her when she leaves the room? High five, Vail!

IMO, Katie is the only one in the room with a right to be pissed at Scheana’s wedding etiquette. Schwartz got an invitation and she didn’t, and that’s really not cool. Schwartz is also endearing as he confesses that he hid his invitation “like a coward.”

Villa Rosa. Scheana shows up to “pick up platters for the event tomorrow.” Lisa offers her a cup of tea and when Scheana accepts, Lisa awesomely responds “I was hoping you would say no.” Turns out the event is for Same Sky, which is awesome. 

The second point of this scene is for Lisa to rightfully admonish Scheana for not inviting Stassi but way moreso Katie to her wedding and bachelorette party. Lisa says that if her husband Ken went to such an important party without her, it would be a one-way trip 😀 Scheana tells Lisa she will see Katie at work tomorrow and “extend the olive branch.”

New scene, in front of Tom and Katie’s apartment. In one of the more meta lines of the show, Jax says “Just jam it in there, man. We don’t really have a choice,” only this time he is talking about luggage. They are all driving to San Diego, as Jax’s girlfriend Tiffany works in the hospitality industry and hooked them up for their guys’ weekend. 

Oh yeah and Sandoval helpfully reminds us that three days ago, Jax texted “the world” that he and Tiffany had broken up, including Vail. Now they’re all headed to San Diego thanks to Tiffany, and it’s weird. Seems like Jax’s friends all like Tiffany the most out of his girlfriends, and don’t want to see him screw it up. Sandoval continues that this is going to be the first weekend where he, Schwartz, and Jax all have girlfriends, so it will just be about bro-ing out.

In the car, the three bromigos + Peter sit in traffic with a blurred-out license plate (sorry stalkers!), while Jax said that he had coffee with Vail, which didn’t go over well with Tiffany. Then he says Vail tweeted about the coffee date, which is how Tiffany found out, and the guys are like uh no, that was you.

Okay so I’m not fancy, but have always enjoyed the few occasions where you get to sit in the fresh air and have bottle service. That the guys have this private big…bed by the pool just makes it that much cooler. If I were ever rich, that’s the kind of luxury I’d enjoy here and there! But meanwhile, the guys are acting as though they’ve never seen women before, even though I don’t see anyone in these “stupid monogamy, ‘cause look!” shots who compares to any of the SURvers (or bartender or hostess). But I guess these pens are already covered with SUR’s company ink, so lusting after these chicks it is. They all drink from a Grey Goose bottle, Sandoval in porthole sunglasses.

Jax does exactly what Katie said he’d do, which is try to get his friends to hook up with other girls. He says he wants to see Schwartz make out with another girl. 

Time passes, many drinks are had, and Sandoval pushes Jax into the pool. As Jax drinks from the bottle whilst in the water, Sandoval confessionals that it’s getting to that point where Jax is getting really shitfaced, looking for validation, forgetting about Tiffany, and looking for anyone to bring home. Interesting.

The Toms say they’re going to text their respective girlfriends…

…but Jax doesn’t think that’s a good idea.

SUR prepares for the Same Sky event. Scheana buys some jewelry to support, then invites Katie to her bridal shower tomorrow and bachelorette party in Miami. Katie looks rather gobsmacked, then says she knows their friendship has been touch and go but she would like them to try. They both agree to do just that and it’s really sweet. Scheana confessionals about how she was taught to be the bigger person and always is, which sounds a little cocky but you know, it really does seem true. I feel like if the world were more filled with conversations and attitudes like her and Katie’s just now, it would be a better place!

Lisa shows up and asks Vail why she’s not wearing Same Sky jewelry in support. This somehow transitions into Vail asks Lisa if Lisa still has her pink streaks. Lisa says yes, and when Vail goes “Would you be offended if I did like, blue—“ Lisa hilariously cuts her off and says “Yes,” while walking away.

The event takes place and it’s of course a hit. Lisa buys the most expensive jewelry she can, and the woman in charge of the fundraiser is so grateful for everything Lisa’s done, and for her wonderful staff. It’s really nice.

Back in San Diego, “Vanderpump Rules” has possibly never felt more “Real World” than in this moment right now, where we see shots of the guys’ beyond-expensive-looking room at the Hard Rock Hotel. Jax dances around and Peter tells him to save it for the club.

Shots of guys preening as they get ready for the club. Sandoval makes me LOL when he tells Jax, “Hey Adam Levine on steroids just called — he wants his look back.”

Club. More bottle service: one bottle of Grey Goose and one of tequila. A girl dressed like a stripper (literally, not being catty) catches Jax’s eye, and the Toms both try to keep Jax at bay and drive the point home that Jax’s GIRLFRIEND hooked them up with this place and this weekend. The only one getting his crotched grabbed is single, but even that’s just Peter being silly! All the boys are just having fun chilling and dancing until uh-oh:

“Where’s Jax?”

Hangover Hotel. Jax asks what happened last night.

Sandoval comes out and says that he’s really annoyed at Jax for bringing girls back to the room.

Jax is like “Dude that didn’t happen! What are you talking about!” and it’s impossible to tell whether he did black out and is terrified that his worst morning-after fears are true, or is terrified because he totally remembers and blacking out is his best line of defense.

Sandoval confessionals that Jax totally disrespected Tiffany by bringing the “most bootleg” girl home, and calls what she and Jax did “assisted masturbation,” as she “literally meant nothing to (Jax).” Oh and just to make matters even skankier, they apparently had sex in the bathroom. In real time, he tells Peter that if Tiffany asks, Sandoval’s not gonna lie. In the meantime, does Peter not really drink all that much when he goes out, or does he always wake up from heavy party nights looking angelic and well rested?!

Stassi’s apartment. She’s working on a painting while looking super cute in a white men’s shirt. She bought ingredients to make her and Kristina bellinis. Kristina wants one, and so do I! But I can’t even, with this scene. It’s just more gossip about Scheana’s wedding plans.

Schwartz and Katie’s apartment. They have a cute scene where they catch up on their respective weekends. Schwartz is super relieved that Katie’s now involved in Scheana’s wedding festivities, but reminds her that she’s “betraying the queen (Stassi).” Katie is confident that Stassi will understand.

Sandoval arrives at Tom and Katie’s, and Schwartz has made him a breakfast burrito! Sandoval tells Katie that Jax totally *bleeped* the *bleep* out of a girl in the bathroom, and that she wasn’t even hot! The level of his indignation about the second part when you compare it to the indignation level of the first is hilarious. Sandoval confessionals that he’s done covering for Jax.

Schwartz gets very deer in headlights, and says he’s not first-person sure about Jax’s escapades, although “the noises painted quite the soundscape.” Schwartz doesn’t want to get involved, because it’s not in his nature, oh and btw Jax has dirt on him too. Hmmm. Sandoval’s like “You know Jax would rat us out!” and it is amazing to watch the two Toms go back and forth in tanks, shorts, and knit ski caps. Stay cool/warm, guys.

Villa Blanca — Scheana’s bridal shower that Pandora’s arranged. It looks absolutely gorgeous, and really nicely uses Scheana’s pink and gold wedding theme while still looking totally different from the (SPOILER!) wedding. Lisa is very happy to see Katie there, and that her girls are getting along. Me too!

Scheana arrives, and I love her dress! That is also a crop top, which I didn’t realize before. She looks absolutely lovely.

As does Kristen. I don’t know what they’re called, the long straight dresses that are totally conservative until you get to the cute, short bottom, but Kristen is wearing one and of all the people on this show, totally owns that look, a la Spencer Hastings. 

At the table, Scheana decides to tipsy text Stassi in hopes of meeting up with her and giving things one last shot. Then the conversation switches to San Diego “debauchery,” et al., which Scheana hadn’t heard about yet! Pandora cheerses with Scheana “to being old and married,” and not having your SOs entertaining naked women in hotel rooms, even if only by proxy. 

Carmen feigns interest in Kristen’s angst over Katie’s being invited to Miami. Kristen confessionals in a green dress that no one with legs like hers has any right to rock so well boob-wise, that this makes two people she doesn’t like coming to Miami. Well I guess it is a *good thing* it’s not Kristen’s wedding. 

“Jax banged Kristen. Jax used to bang Carmen. And now, I’m telling Kristen and Carmen about the new girl Jax banged, while he cheated on the girl that he’s currently banging. There’s a *bleep* ton of banging going on.”

^^^ Another excellent quotable from Scheana, and no further need to recap the rest of the scene. Except that if you’re playing the at-home drinking game, take two shots for a double whammy of “threw him under the bus,” plus a bonus present tense version thanks to Kristen! Who in another awesome (this time dark blue) dress takes confessionaling and crazy to a whole impressive new level.

Jax and Schwartz and Sandoval drink giant sodas while eating at Hugo’s Tacos. They tell various lies regarding their own vantage points re: San Diego, then relax as the conversation switches to the girl drama on the girls’ side of camp, in this case, how Katie is coming to Miami, and OMG but Stassi is gonna be so mad!

Now Jax is telling tales of revisionist history best left untranscribed regarding *grabbing,* and Schwartz confessionals that Jax’s stories don’t add up, regarding how much he remembers about this chick he may or may not have *bleeped* in the bathroom. Jax in real time says she was throwing up while he gallantly held back her hair, and Schwartz hilariously confessionals in his cowboy shirt about what an enthusiastic vomiter this chick was, as she kept yelling “Yeah baby, yeah baby!”

The Toms barrage Jax with questions and the most animated eyebrows you’ve seen in a long time, as Jax’s eyes widen with faux innocence, somehow growing brighter and greener in the process!

Sandoval asks Jax “for the record” if Jax hooked up in that bathroom, and Jax says no 100 times, all the while keeping his eyes closed shut and shaking his head around.

Seeing as no one’s buying his histrionics and don’t “have his back” this particular time, Jax in the bright light of day and via speaker phone tells Tiffany about having a girl in his room in San Diego.

Switch to “Bugatta” for the Queen Bee Faceoff: Stassi vs. Scheana! 

The two ladies volley for serve for quite awhile, but Scheana takes it when she drops the bomb that Katie’s coming to her bachelorette party. Stassi looks stunned and said she wasn’t aware.

The rest of the scene, both women seem genuinely hurt, confused, and upset, so I’ll just wrap it up by saying it concludes with them mutually agreeing that they’re not meant to be friends, and Stassi saying “So long” to Scheana and her turbans and unitards. 

~ THE END ~