“Switchblade Sisters” is “A ROLLING THUNDER PICTURE.” It opens with purple text over pictures from my childhood and The Beatles’ “Help!”

A lady sings about a “Blackhearted woman” as Pre-Molly Ringwald does “stage business” at a vanity, then puts on a hoodie.

A dude shows up to Molly Ringwald’s apartment to repossess her TV while the kids are watching it, but a lady in charge who is wearing a sherbet-colored housedress with faux-fur cuffs gives him money. He goes away, but you can tell Molly Ringwald is concerned.

Dude gets in the elevator, flipping through his little black book. He and Molly Ringwald do REALLY gross “come hither” things with their tongues that I remember people doing in the ‘80s and I’m really glad they stopped, at least as far as I can tell.

But what is this! One by one, *tough* girls get in the elevator, and Tongue Dude is increasingly alarmed! As he should be, because they stop the elevator. Molly Ringwald says “Freeze, Greaseball!” and even though her voice is super high, he’s scared because her friends sport not only eye patches but also nose rings, and she cuts off his tie. Then they attack him, a la The Pack in “Buffy.”

Dude in a station wagon honks at the gang, even though they’re going through a crosswalk as it is, but they’re so tough they don’t even care. They show up to iHop meets All-American Burger, where guys are hanging out. And you know they are Likewise No Good, because they too are clad in black leather/denim/variations on that theme. One of them looks like a guy from “Santa Barbara” and Teen Beat circa 1986, and the other is Bob Pinciotti from “That ‘70s Show.”

They all canoodle, and SB guy whose name is Dom goes, “You’re one hell of a fox, baby…Let’s have some burgers for the ladies!” in the best delivery I’ve ever witnessed.

I can’t even recap the next scene, but suffice it to say it involves fat-shaming the one girl who’s showing cleavage, and Molly Ringwald holding her nose into a snout. So I now hate Molly Ringwald, whose real name I hope we find out soon.

The gang bullies people away from “their table,” but what is this! A girl who gives totally new definition to the term “ash blonde” is not scared of these punk girls! She throws pepper into Eye Patch’s one good eye, then pulls out some ninja moves whilst wearing short-shorts and black boots with studs.

Btw, the girl gang is called “The Dagger Debs,” and Ash Blonde “ain’t with a gang.”

Punch buggy yellow!

 It’s the fuzz! Here to harsh on…I don’t even know, but in this case, I’m on their side, because Dagger Debs and the guys whose “gang” name I can’t recall are the worst. The Dagger Debs deny knowing anything about gang activity.

“Brady Bunch” Alice’s cousin shows up to fulfill the 1975 female prison warden stereotpe.

Ash Blonde’s blue eyeshadow is no worse for the wear, inexplicably. I get creases just from sitting at my desk, and would love to know her secret.

The wardens try to finger-rape Ash Blonde, so she kicks Alice’s Cousin in the vagina. In retaliation, the wardens repeatedly dunk her head in the toilet. Ash Blonde keeps fighting back.

Molly Ringwald is impressed enough to lead the pack o’ ladies into the bathroom to rough up the wardens. Everyone in the audience hoping for a dirtier movie that everything on the surface promises to deliver will have to settle for some boobs right now, because whose top hasn’t busted off whilst fighting for justice?

Obligatory scene where Molly Ringwald and Ash Blonde bond. The latter is getting out of captivity, and MR gives her a letter for “Dominic” (the “Santa Barbara” man), then creepily says, “I’d kill for that guy.” Ash Blonde toats gets it though, then leaves, albeit pantsless.

Several years ago, I played GTA IV by proxy and didn’t want to steal cars or hurt anyone, therefore spent a lot of time at the bar playing pool with Jacob. This next set looks like that bar. It’s the lair of the 50-year-old teenage boy gang, and they look pensive when Ash Blonde shows up with the love letter from Molly Ringwald. The boys chide Dom for being “pussy whipped,” and Bob Pinciotti makes Dom read the letter out loud. So he does, as the boys cackle away, ’cause girls have cooties.

Until Ash Blonde goes “That’s enough!” And rips the letter out of Dom’s hands, then SMACKS him 😮

Then she runs home to “Mom,” who is apparently having sex with some dude. Ash Blonde smiles to herself because aw, until there is Dom at the not just unlocked but open door! Not to victim blame, but really, Ash Blonde? Then in a troubling scene that I can’t begin to explain nor desire to, he forces himself on her. Sort of. It’s really hard to tell, and one reason I don’t even want to talk about this business that ends up with her head in his lap and saying she likes him.

Classroom. Beleaguered teacher. When his student picks a fight with him, Molly Ringwald and Ash Blonde beat up the student: in defense of the teacher, or so they could take over the classroom? Unclear, as is the sudden storyline about white panties.

People smoke weed outside during lunch time. The principal shows up, looking exactly the same age as the “kids,” and encourages them to mend fences.

Then we find out that Eye Patch Girl is super jealous of new girl Ash Blonde. Until she finds out that Ash and Dom had sex!

Which Molly Ringwald refuses to believe!

Warehouse/lair. Molly watches from a distance as Dom demands Ash Blonde hang out with him, and grabs her arm! Because she will not double cross Ash Blonde!

Every line Molly has, it’s like she reacts, waits five seconds, raises the pitch and volume of her voice by two octaves, then delivers her line: “Why don’t you just uh, SHUT up, uh.” Because she’s not even trying to hear Eye Patch Girl’s assertions that Dom is cheating.

Molly wants to make Ash an “official Dagger girl,” but Eye Patch insists that Ash earn her stripes! They order her to steal a medallion, even though it wasn’t even the ‘80s yet.

Molly shows up to some newspaper/radical office and finds the possessor of the medallion, who is basically that one guy in “Across the Universe.” She bimbos her way closer to him in a dress that’s actually super cute, looking more like Margot Robbie than ever.

Ash goes down on this dude on a set that looks unsettlingly like “The Brady Bunch,” OR DOES SHE? In fact, she causes a table-overturning ruckus, a la Jesus in the temple.

But the whole point was to fulfill her mission and get the medallion, which Ash holds up in triumph. Molly Ringwald looks duly impressed, and rather turned on, in her way.

Apparently before there were webcams and normal prostitutes, there was Bob Pinciotti pimping out one of the Dagger Debs in the bathroom! She flashes set o’ boobs number two and then apparently has sex with a “nerd.”

Seriously though, with the ‘70s and people’s ages. I’ll be 40 in like 90 days and still think “These teenagers look middle aged.” It will most likely not be until the retirement home that I watch a ‘70s high school movie and feel older than the cast.

The next scene is really upsetting in a non-fun, non-cheesy way. Radio edit.

Warehouse. Molly tries to comfort the victim of the last scene’s attack and the whole gang plots revenge on the rival one.

Ew, Molly and Dom are naked in bed in the middle of the night. They act, and the movie presents to us pair o’ boobs number three. In a terrifying strike to the gene pool, Molly announces that she’s pregnant.

I was in a play 17 years ago and one day after we rehearsed a scene, the director tried to as diplomatically as possible tell me that I seemed as though I were channeling Shirley Temple, not in the good way. That is how Molly is in this entire movie — every scene, every line, every pout — and it’s rather glorious to behold. Now she is screeching that “It’s (Ash)!” causing their relationship problems and Dom is like “Get an abortion, beeyotch.”

The gangs roller skate. Then a fight breaks out in a super confusing way, and then there is a shootout. Dom doesn’t make it.

Hospital. Molly lies that Dom was proud to be the baby daddy of her squawky offspring. There’s a super-unfortunate near-monologue, but/so this scene is overall a 9.5 on the acting cheez scale, by everyone involved. Molly even tears apart her teddy bear 😮

The cops are here to get info out of the Dagger Debs about gangs and the roller-skating rink incident. They act “sassy,” then saunter away.

Warehouse/lair. Whoa, I was going to say this place is like the Bronze and now I notice they have a very Bronze-esque couch. Anyway, the Debs stand up to Bob Pinciotti, despite his knife he’s wielding. Then they (obvi) make fun of his penis, and he leaves, but not before sneering that “You broads don’t have a chance.”

Ash gives a “rousing” speech and it’s super awkward, and therefore pretty awesome. She renames the gang “Jezebels,” because of course.

The Jezebels get frisked by a gang with guns! Because they need to get into a building…not sure why. Hopefully they’ll fill in the blanks for me soon.

Oh okay, Ash is old friends with the matriarch figure who doesn’t seem particularly gang-like, just authoritative. Ash tells her they need help. Matriarch is impressed that they’re an all-female posse.

Oh God. Another “battle for power” exchange between Eye Patch and Molly. Eye Patch’s hair looks gorgeous, and she reminds me of Holly J. Sinclair more than ever. Molly’s voice manages to out-quaalude-by-way-of-helium itself. “Let me do it my way!” she implores Eye Patch, who is totally gaining my trust and respect by the minute.

Target practice. The gang extras are more middle aged than ever. Ash gets entirely too many lines. My new BFF Eye Patch steals the whole scene even without speaking. Molly gives another Shirley Temple call to arms.

Now out of nowhere, Molly and Eye Patch are plotting to kill Ash.

Food truck, as this movie manages to out-hipster itself. Oh wait, it’s not actually a food truck per se; it’s to give food to needy kids, which is nice except it looks like they’re serving gray gruel. Probably nutritious, but depressing nonetheless. Ash smashes a…plate of this into a dude’s face, which makes me hate her a little more because there are malnourished kids out there, ASH. Put your stupid faux gangster beef where it belongs!

But no, these assholes ruin the whole truck, as Molly inexplicably sports tinfoil Princess Leia buns and women from Matriarch’s gang squat and run around with machine guns in the middle of the streets.

The whole town gets involved! Including a guy in a sweater of an even brighter yellow than you could dream possible. As well as people driving…tanks! In a scene where the budget went entirely to special effects and bright yellow sweaters, not so much the sets themselves, which resemble cardboard boxes overall.

Molly and no-longer-my-BFF Eye Patch are trying to kill Ash and “make it look like an accident.” It doesn’t work out, but they do take out the rival gang guy from “Across the Universe,” much to Ash’s chagrin. The rest of the exchange is excellent, and Molly’s “What do you MEAN, conVENient” through gritted teeth deserves to be played at every Oscars ceremony for the rest of the Earth’s duration.

Close your eyes. Think of the scariest cake you’ve ever seen in your whole life. Then open them, and see this:

I’m not even sure what this next scene is about, but Molly slaps the “chubby” girl (who I think is pretty hot actually) and yells again, some more.

Then she punches Ash in the neck and the back until Ash passes out! Even the gang girls are like, whoa not cool Molly.

There is some not even 11th hour but 11:30th hour business about the gang fracturing. Then out of NOwhere, Molly rips off Ash’s shirt, exposing pair o’ boobs number four, and PUTS OUT A CIGARETTE IN HER BELLY BUTTON.

Ash bounces back (so to speak), and we then get the most grating, fantastic dialogue back and forth that one could ever hope for, combined with a switchblade duel! It includes much grunting and an overturned couch. And many, many cardboard boxes askew and in overall disarray, because this movie’s entire budget went to cocaine for everyone involved.

And okay, possible a couple of stunt doubles because there are actually some impressive moves. And Molly cuts Ash’s face at the mouth, a la the Joker!

Suddenly, Tarantino and Rodriguez are here to direct the next 60 seconds, which are surprisingly good. As are the next 15, in which Eye Patch gets shunned from the gang, Amish-style.

Then Ash misdirects her anger at a police officer, shouts over and over about how the Jezebels will be back, and sports some of the most hilarious fake blood I’ve ever seen.

~ THE END ~