So the other night, I took a poll for the next Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night: “The Care Bears Movie” or “Cheerleader Massacre 2?” And “The Care Bears Movie” won by one vote. But because I am a foolish, foolish woman, I was sad to not watch CM2. So it was suggested I do a double feature, which is obviously awesome, because what a fitting pair! However, although I did indeed watch “Cheerleader Massacre 2,” I will do that blog later on, due to length. Also…I don’t know where to begin with CM2. Ho.lee.crap. But for now, dum dum dum dummm:

Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 14
The Care Bears Movie!

“The Care Bears Movie” opens at the Cherrywood family home. Mr. Cherrywood juggles some balls and his kids go completely apeshit for it. I mean, I actually find juggling sexy (no really) but a) not if it’s my dad doing it and b) even if it was a guy I liked, I don’t think I would get quite as excited as these kids are right now.

Mr. Cherrywood then tells the kids to dream about the circus but the kids can’t sleep, what with all the excitement from the juggling, and they ask for a story about the circus because they are OBSESSED.

Mr. Cherrywood begins the story with a baby on his lap, only he doesn’t support the baby’s head and neck at all. And starts to tell the tale about two children, Kim and Jason…

CREDITS! SONG! Everything is so pretty! And the song is by Carole King. Yay “Gilmore Girls!”

And Mickey Rooney is the voice of Mr. Cherrywood, for those keeping score at home.

There is a star blowing a whistle! Awww! And a cloud car! And a butterfly!

Guys, I’m sorry but I’m getting a feeling that my awww factor is going into full overdrive with this movie. It is just so adorable. EVERYTHING. Feel free to back out now, while there’s still time.

“Care A Lot! It’s a place we all can go!”

Directed by Arna Selznick – is he related to David O.?

Secret Bear and Friend Bear want to be friends with Kim and Jason for some reason, but Kim and Jason don’t believe in love. However, the Care Bears are super invested in these kids and persist. But Kim and Jason would rather not be friends because they have abandonment issues.

Here we are at the circus, and there is a Mean Fat Cat with a handlebar mustache making a house of cards. Some boy walks in and breaks stuff, and Fat Cat calls the kid hopeless and Tenderheart Bear is there, because the Care Bears are stalkers, and overhears this.

Alone in a room, the kid makes a wish to find people who like him, saying he’ll give anything. This book starts glowing green and talking to him.

I don’t know what all the Care Bears are called, so I will keep it real. Cupcake Bear and Milkshake Bear and Grumpy Bear are trying to fix this Rainbow Machine thing. Grumpy gets a star unstuck from the machine. So cute!!! Some more stuff happens, and we see BABY Care Bears! They’re trying to make square bubbles, but they break the machine.

Funshine Bear! I have that one!

2012 update: not anymore 😥 😥 😥 I lost him whilst dressed as Goldilocks and drinking on Colfax Street on Halloween. I had him and two other bears when I set out, but Funshine went missing in the night. I was devastated (at 37 years old) to have lost him and was crying, and my incredible now-husband went out in the morning and looked through the streets of Denver in hopes of finding him. ❤

Kim and Jason are pretty awesomely misanthropic, like, no thanks, bears, pump your sunshine (or funshine) elsewhere, but the Care Bears exhibit more Gift of Fear behavior and completely ignore them, giving them an “I Think I’m Gonna Like It Here” welcome and this dude sings about friends and caring! And they hug! And now Kim and Jason get all Patty Hearst about things and want to be friends.

“Nobody cares like a bear!”

Oh, Fat Cat’s name is Fetuccini, with only one “t.”

The book is talking to that kid again, and we find out the kid’s name is Nicholas. The book says he could get more friends with magic, and convinces him to unlock the book. It shoots out green light and a face appears like the Queen in “Snow White” and starts teaching him magic and telling him to take over the circus.

Tenderheart comes in to try to stop Nicholas, saying he is his friend, so the book locks Tenderheart in a cage and Tenderheart and the book fight for Nicholas’s soul. Tenderheart grows a bigger heart to break free of the cage.

Now Nicholas is performing a magic show for the neighborhood kids, but the book is sabotaging his performance and everyone is laughing at him. The book tells Nicholas to teach the kids a lesson, so he chants, and they all start fighting. Nick and the book disappear.

Tenderheart: “This is a job for ALL the Care Bears!”

But is it too late? A bad force is coming. Care A Lot starts rumbling like it’s experiencing an earthquake, and breaks all over the place. And worst of all, the Care-O-Meter drops two whole points!

So Kim and Jason are stuck on Care A Lot since they were kidnapped, and bad timing, someone wants to adopt them back on Earth! But they need the Rainbow Rescue Team to get them home!

Kim and Jason are already in the cult though, and staying to help. They rally the troops and Tenderheart gives a key to Jason, telling him to keep it safe; it’s very important. So WTF, Tenderheart, why are you giving it to a little kid? At least give it to his older sister. Tenderheart is sexist 😦

Nicholas keeps casting spells and more and more people stop caring. Nicholas has no friends, so neither will anyone else!

Storms: growing! Care Bears: trapped!

A big starship comes to get the bears, and I don’t mean Grace Slick and that dude with puffy hair; it is a boat in the sky, made of clouds, manned by a star. Brilliant. They float on water in the…sky.

Secret Bear and Friend Bear are trapped in the Forest of Feelings! They meet up with a lion and monkey, like basically the Forest of Feelings have creatures that are like Koosas, the animals of the Care Bear world. Even though bears are animals, as well.

Montage! Singing! Explaining their worlds! Maypole! OMG a cloud slide of RAINBOWS that I desperately want!

The lion and the monkey are going to help the Care Bears find their way out of the Forest of Feelings. Glad that is resolved.

Meanwhile, the book gives heads up to Nicholas that Kim and Jason still care! Nick is like, let them go, I already got even, but the book has mad blood lust and tells Nicholas he “must finish it.” So because Nicholas has NO SPINE, he chants and the book says everyone needs to learn a lesson, and you’d think at some point Nicholas would realize that the book has her own agenda.

Starship. Bedtime Bear falls asleep and goes overboard, and I’m starting to think he is metaphorical for a drunk person.

A PENGUIN!!!

Oh no, a black cloud! Like the smoke monster on “LOST.” It shape shifts and becomes a a fish and makes a whirlpool! And not the fun kind! But it is okay, because a star saves them!

And if there was any lingering doubt that Care Bears are the product of drug-using hippies (which I mean as a total compliment), a pink elephant has joined the crowd!

Shit! The Care-O-Meter is down to five! If it goes down to zero, they’re finished! Luckily, Luck Bear has a shamrock and Grumpy Bear gets a lollipop and he can fix that Rainbow machine with it. Which makes sense. The question should be, what can’t you fix with a lollipop?

Oh no! The smoke monster is now in a scary tree! I’m so scared of scary trees! Lake George! “Poltergeist!” Now this!

The lion tries to save them! No!

Tenderheart Bear tries! No!

Awww they are all trying to fight back and here is a BUNNY and it is too fast for the tree and gets the monster to fly away and, oh its name is Swiftheart Bunny.

The starship is in this like, Cloud Pirates of the Caribbean ride. The ride-ride, not a ride based on the movie, if one exists; it’s been awhile since I’ve been to a theme park. And the star is so worried and sad! But oh, there is a light at the end of the tunnel so the star is happy!

As a shoutout, the monkey goes, YAY! And now the smoke monster has turned into a hawk. Which I needed to have explained to me, because apparently I can’t even follow the plot of a Care Bears movie, but no time for shame, because they are doing the CARE BEAR STARE!!!

The starship is back! They have a rainbow bridge to get on land! Seriously, to paraphrase Michael Scott, I don’t understand what people spend their money on. Millionaires and billionaires, with identical homes and cars. If I’m ever stinkin’ rich, I’m totally turning my house into Care A Lot, complete with starship and rainbow bridge!

Everyone is together and happy now, and the animals agree to go with the bears, because everyone leaves behind their lives to go live with the Care Bears, like some kind of pastel cult! Although I can’t say that I blame them.

Puppy!

Kitty!

Sheep! I think?

Pig!

They’re all coming out to help and they are singing and dancing!

“It’s the power to share! It’s the power to care!”

Then there is a verse that goes, “And when you put it all together, then there’s a power no one can deny/When you care, you’re not afraid to try!” And seriously, I thought they were going to say “When you care, you’re not afraid to die!” Which I realize was improbable, but I still think would have been awesome.

The book is yelling at Nicholas again.

Time is running out for the Care Bears to get the Care-o-Meter up! They’re on Earth, and everything is sad! The Tunnel of Love is now the Tunnel of Hate 😥 And because no one cares, it is dark, or maybe just nighttime; I can’t tell. Tenderheart talks with Jason about the safety of the key some more and it’s very “Lord of the Rings,” especially with all the wind.

Nicholas has gone crazy and is looking pretty haggard for a kid, and he’s collecting things to put in his spell to rid the world of love. Starting with a spider web.

Mean kids are throwing something at the Care Bears. I think balls. To be fair, spell or no spell, I’m not sure how I’d react if some acid trip in the form of teddy bears showed up right in front of me on Earth. Probably, I’d be excited, but I wouldn’t be expecting it (most days).

A calliope? An organ? Something with pipes is all musicing about, and an awesome song plays as the Care Bears, et al. navigate the funhouse-esque place that reminds me of the Killer Klowns lair. The lyrics help keep the gang stay safe by telling them what to do, but implore them to go help Nicholas, who is “out of control.” No shit, Song.

“This power’s wrong but incredibly strong! If only we can make him understand!”

Nicholas gets distracted from killing the Care Bears by some bubblegum on his shoe – the last ingredient for his spell! But why he didn’t just go buy some bubblegum rather than search around in the dark outside?

Now the Care Bears are encouraging the animals to share their feelings. And it’s like, is this really the time and the place, but it’s because that is how the animals can help themselves!

More stress over the Care-o-Meter.

Nicholas is having trouble bringing himself to drop the bubblegum in the potion. The book and the Care Bears, et al. fight for Nicholas’s soul some more. Nicholas says they are too late!

But the Care Bears are like Iron Eagle! They never say die! As Tenderheart puts it, “We care about everyone. Even when they don’t care about us.”

Awww!

MEGA Care Bear stare. Boom! BUT the book fights back and the Care Bears get taken out, and Nicholas plans to attack the two last caring people – Kim and Jason. Nick is really creepy now, and green like the book, and goes, “Wherrrrrre arrrrrre theyyyyy.”

Oh hooray, the Rainbow Rescue Beam (that’s what it’s called) works again! So Luck Bear and Grumpy are now joined with the others for a new…

…CARE BEAR STARE!

Rainbow of lights!

Animals making a bunch of noise to express their feelings!

Jason is like, “Nick, dude, I feel you! My sister and I are also of confusing origins, and we thought no one cared either! But WE care about YOU!” Nicholas is like, “I…I believe you” and he pushes the book closed! Take that, Book!

But because Tenderheart in all his sexist wisdom gave the key to Jason, there is almost catastrophe, because Nicholas can’t keep the book shut and the book grabs the key so they can’t lock it, until Secret Bear makes a new key from his chest and they use that! And I don’t understand why the key was so important to protect if Secret Bear could just create one himself; it’s the Quidditch Snitch meets “Survivor” Rupert all over again, but no matter, because we’re here to celebrate Nicholas growing a pair and standing up to the book and everyone literally says “YAYYYY!”

Birdies sing! Bumblebees fly! The sun shines! And the humans are friends back on Earth!

I love this movie.

Mr. Fetuccini’s up and about. Nicholas apologizes but Fetuccini’s smoked a bowl and taken his meds and says he had a great dream and offers Nicholas a partnership! They will be Fetuccini and Nicholas! When Nicholas doesn’t immediately say yes, Fetuccini goes, “Nicholas and Fetuccini!” so it’s like when you don’t want to break up with someone so you agree to one too many compromises, because like, how in the world does Nicholas deserve to be the main circus dude, when it is Fetuccini’s business and Nicholas sucked at magic as of yesterday? But Fetuccini’s all high and says that friends is what it’s all about.

Everyone’s chilling in Care A Lot and they inaugurate the animals into the Care Bear family, calling them Care Bear Cousins. Expansion of merchandise! The Care Bears and their cousins strut around and do that dance that everyone did in the ’80s, and many still do at weddings.

Oh man, this is epic! Lyrics come onto the screen, and a heart bounces over them, karaoke-style. Everyone is clapping except Grumpy Bear, but he sneaks away to dance alone. I’d love to psychoanalyze that one but there is NO TIME because we are…

…back on Earth! Nicholas does a magic trick and Kim and Jason are with their new parents.

And now we are back to the present, as Mr. Cherrywood finishes the story, but his kids are asleep. And Mr. and Mrs. Cherrywood share a loving moment. And wouldn’t you know it, but Mr. Cherrywood is Nicholas, all grown up and as we all know, a wonderful juggler.

Tenderheart flies the cloud car into a heart and they wave goodbye!

~ THE END ~