Please click here for the logical first half to this double feature, obviously, “The Care Bears Movie!” And sorry for the lack of pics in this one. There just are none on the Internet, apparently, besides the poster!
“Cheerleader Massacre 2” is like a cross amongst a (bad) soft-core porn, (good) Lifetime® movie, and one of those films from the late ‘90s about brunette empowerment. That is all you really need to know. But I’ll tell you the details anyway because…they can’t just stay in my brain. I’ll go mad.
It starts out with a short bus full of cheerleaders, and they are all wearing their workout clothes which are not unrealistic as workout clothes, but implausible choices to wear on a bus, because it’s dirty and also you stick to the seats, and this one skanky chick in the front is acting…skanky…doing a *racy* routine/stretching at the front of the bus, and it’s like, who are you showing off for; everyone there can do that already and sit down, that’s dangerous. Plus she has anger in her eyes.
But mostly, I don’t like this cheerleader because she throws her pom-poms out the window onto the road!
1. That is littering.
2. That is just stupid in general.
3. WTF, do you think pom-poms grow on trees?!?
So yeah, this chick is all badass ‘cause she acts “sexy” and throws away her pom-poms, so you know she’s gonna die. And sure enough, this alienesque metal blade thingy accompanied by a light whizzes around. First it kills the creepy bus driver I forgot to mention; he was all, “Yeah I’m just a dude driving these cheerleaders…” and his guts fall out of his body and so he dies as a shoutout to the Joker and Krysi’s dream.
Then the blade kills the cheerleaders one by one. Blonde by blonde by blonde, until only the lone brunette remains. She gets hit by the blade, but lives — and fights back! With a stick, using it like a bat! So we know she is a Real Athlete and not Just A Cheerleader.
But she dies anyway, after awhile. And the pom-poms blow in the wind like tumbleweeds. The opening credits are splashed with blood. And I’m realizing that this totally is like a “Grindhouse” movie, only I can’t for the life of me tell whether any of the irony is intentional, and besides, the rest of the movie is completely different anyway. This movie messed with my mind. It is possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
I must move on however, because now there is a girl bathing in the tub. Obviously. It is SO WEIRD, the sex in this movie. There is no sex in this movie. But all the scenes with boobs are bizarre, like all spliced in and the movie totally can’t decide what to do with itself, and I’m starting to think it’s all one big societal metastatement, and possibly the most BRILLIANT movie ever made, but probably not.
Still, it’s like they have the “Porky’s”-esque stuff that I guess would lure you in on a Saturday night on Cinemax back in the day if you were looking for it, but it’s totally misleading, because most of the movie is either people having really, really stupid and boring conversations, or running through the woods. My point is, I understand how a movie like this gets made in 1987. I do not understand how a movie like this gets made in 2008. There are plenty of boobs on the Internet and you do not need to suffer through listening to this one chick scoffing that cheerleading camp is “the wilderness,” so she will stay right there in her bath where she can be clean even though a bath really is just sitting in your own filth; just ask Bill Haverchuck, in order to see aforementioned boobs. But there you have that scene, and frankly, I was GLAD this chick was not going to cheerleading camp, because she is obviously not a team player.
Well now, of course. Here is where you get into the Chyler Leigh introspection of “Not Another Teen Movie,” only without ANY of the self-deprecation, self-awareness, comedy, or likability. She is the Sensitive Brunette, and you know she is special because she is working on her car. And after she’s done, you just know she will take a shower and not a bath, because she is just that self-sufficient, but you will not SEE her take a shower because she knows better than to do that in a horror movie.
Scene with a shady dad who has secret passageways in his house, giving his daughter her mother’s bracelet. And you know what I said before about the Lifetime movie? It’s more like an ABC after school special, these parts of the movie. Also this chick is going to cheerleading camp, even though she is not dressed skankily, and even though the other cheerleaders look 23 and she looks 12. Don’t ask questions, because we must move on…
…to cheer camp. Everyone is wearing hot pink. And in the introduction to one of the creepiest yet to the best of my recollection, unexplained, relationships of the movie, we see the camp director getting hit on by a cheerleader.
Confusing conversation in the kitchen amongst the self-proclaimed “aging cheerleaders.” And that whole thing is very awkward. Like the entire movie, they have this fearful desperation in their eyes, because they are No Longer Young, even though I personally would LOVE to get paid to be an Aging Cheerleader! Give me $$$ to help run a cheerleading camp; that would rule! What’s with hating on ourselves for aging, anyway? We can’t do anything about it. More on that another day. Anyway, this was a pretty offensive subplot, but I find it fascinating, now that I have decided this movie is so bad it’s secretly brilliant. Still, let’s move on, as I wish I could have during most of the Aging Cheerleader scenes.
Oh apparently, they are doing some kind of documentary. And someone does a good sidekick in the air, like where you do a split vertically like Britney Spears used to. That is always impressive to me. And new cheerleaders arrive.
Sensitive Brunette is driving the little blonde chick who I’m just going to call Skipper (thanks, Tomato Nation!) and they are on their way to cheerleading camp and talk about how SB hates the cheerleaders or she doesn’t fit into that world anymore, or she doesn’t understand why Skipper hangs out with them, and Skipper hates the player but she loves the game, and Sensitive Brunette’s hair blows in the desert (mountain?) wind, and she wears hippie-esque tops with beads so you know she doesn’t fit in anywhere, and she squints a lot and stares off into the distance many times, so we now know that she is not only sensitive, and not only misunderstood, and not only rebellious, but also deep.
Oh, it’s my favorite! Defeated-looking white dudes in bad suits talking in a sanitarium-esque room about…something. Codes, maybe.
Here is a random dude named Jimmy, and he looks like a male stripper in his getup, not so much in structure, but in presentation. And he delivers the cheerleaders to the cabin so they can all take a shower together. As you do.
And this shower scene is very, very confusing. Not only because we were two seconds ago listening to a dad and daughter talking about missing her mom and now girls are showering, but also because…well, why as film makers would you choose to spend the moments you DO have cheerleaders showering together, and use them to show two of them, albeit naked, having a weird conversation, looking as much like drowned rats as possible?
And most of all, why would you choose to have one half of that equation be a chick who could compete with Gob and Jack Donaghey in a “talking like this contest.” There is sexily husky, and then there is, “Hello, so-and-so. I’d like to play a game.” Aforementioned chick is the latter.
Sensitive Brunette leads us to a story about a guy who gets tricked by two hitchhikers, one male, one female. Guy tries to help hitchhiker, and they kill him with a drill.
Cheerleading camp. Sensitive Brunette walks in and calls the cheerleaders strippers, then with pleasantries taken care of, goes into the woods and hears a Strange Noise!
It’s Hector, who’s sort of an amalgamation of Hagrid, Sloth from “The Goonies” and Creepy Camp Director. He tells Sensitive Brunette to enjoy her morning.
Oh yeah, the cheerleaders invited some boys to come visit them. Here they are. And in a(nother) shoutout to the Joker, one of the three dudes goes, “No, I’m not nuts. I’m not.” Their car is broken down and they’re all conflicted, what to do, and this one guy obviously hasn’t been laid, ever in his entire life, and goes off by himself to walk to the girls, all hypnotized by their sexuality or something.
Now, one of the Aging Cheerleaders is having a swan song of angst because she is plastic and exploited and past her prime, and also used by society and men. So she of course electrocutes herself, and someone we don’t see drags her body away.
Girls walking together. It’s “Critique Day.” All right. Really, the best part about this scene is watching the girls who don’t have lines “chatter naturally” and “walk,” all at the same time.
Something is going on, accompanied by filler dialogue written by people who obviously have never done cheerleading, but rather watched “Bring It On” and a bunch of cheerleading porn, but this scene isn’t even dirty, just weird; like, people are arguing and the actors’ reels are filling up with Deep Emotion as we speak. Cheerleading routine stealing, high school politics, yada yada, Sensitive Brunette has to go because she is not part of the squad.
Hector throws Aging Cheerleader’s body in a ditch. The dead one I mean, not one of the ones who are still alive. BUT IS HE THE KILLER???
Cheerleading montage. Girl on top of the mound gets electrocuted by the sky.
Oh yeah, there are two cameramen directing this documentary. One is the director I guess; then there is a dorky dude who is actually pretty cute, and because this is a horror movie, he is alone in the dark with a flashlight and gets killed by…stuff. Something metal but not the little flying blade.
Hector, stabbing a sword into a mountain for some reason.
Sensitive Brunette and Skipper go for a walk so they can bore us some more and SB talks about wanting to be part of the crowd but getting rejected and she falls down, prolly to represent all the emotional vulnerability of that moment.
Creepy Camp Director yells at Blonde Aging Cheerleader for putting an alcoholic (Helen from the shower) in charge. In charge of what, I’m not sure. It’s all very mysterious and full of intrigue.
For the record, Skipper is the love child of Lizzy Caplan, Chloe Sevigne, and possibly Sarah Polley.
Pool scene. One girl wants to take off her top, because she is brunette — not slutty, just rebellious. So it becomes a fight for rights, and she is sticking it to authority by trying to get topless, even though the other girls already did all that anyway, and in doing so manages to encapsulate every single problem I have with “Sex and the City.”
Jimmy and some people are walking with flashlights and looking for Helen and Jimmy says “Bermuda Rectangle,” because he is the comedic relief.
The dude who left the broken car to chase sex has a flashlight and gets killed by the metal blade thing.
Cheerleading cabin. They not only have on all their clothes, but they have on LOTS of clothes, like jeans and sweaters and stuff. But the murderer always knows if you’ve been naked. Sweaters will not stop the metal blade or metal robot thingy or the electrocution from nowhere. Well, unless you’re Debbie!
Jimmy (oh, he is a security dude) is telling the cheerleaders to stay inside and uses Spanish words badly accented for no reason whatsoever except he thinks he’s very funny and then to calm them down says:
“Just think about girl things that…make girls happy, like Christmas and princes and candles that smell like unicorns and…boyfriends…and things.”
And OMG THERE IS A PERRY MASON REFERENCE!!! Seriously, I cannot figure this movie out.
The two boys who stayed with the car have made it to the cabin. But Ben (the dude who chased the sex) is missing, and so is Sensitive Brunette AND so is the Blue Team, which is the squad from the bus o’ doom in the beginning.
Sensitive Brunette’s back, and she and Skipper have another interminable scene about life and emotions, and turns out Skipper needs a scholarship so she can’t just abandon the cheerleaders. Nothing about all the hard work she’s put in to get where she is on the squad in her own right. It is all about Sensitive Brunette and her pissiness.
Oh well, I don’t know how they decided who got the two boys; maybe they flipped a coin or something, but they are on a double date with the cheerleaders for sex in the woods and it’s all awkward and creepy. One couple sits on a bench and makes out.
The other makes out in a playground but I can’t tell if it’s a good playground of yore or a shitty playground like most today. And although the girl is brunette, she starts to get naked, so you know that couple is going to die. And you think that now will be the time where in a movie like this, there will be sex. But nope. One of the dudes hears a noise in the woods and goes to investigate, because he’s never seen “Scream 2.”
He gets split in half, just like the Mayor in “Buffy,” only this guy doesn’t heal. The other guy also gets killed, and the blonde is running away, and the brunette is waiting for her guy to return. Which is riveting.
The blonde chick screams and despite not showing her boobs, she was sexual enough, and gets her crushed by…something.
A police officer is asking Creepy Camp Director why everyone is dying at his camp.
And a random older cowboy dude who seems like he’s wandered into the wrong movie finds the dead Blue Team.
Oh there is this reporter chick I forgot to mention, but she yells every single line and is now on a bridge fighting with that officer. Who shoots the metal blade thingy, and picks it up.
The officer discovers the dead blonde girl and somehow gets killed inside his car.
The…thing (murderer/monster(?)) is carrying a fireball of some nature and it kills a cheerleader, but not sure which one.
Dorky cameraman’s body is discovered.
Reporter Chick has a French manicure.
Skipper is now in the woods, and I’m wondering why no one is wearing any shoes, while venturing through the woods.
The…thing becomes like a spider web and kills another cheerleader.
Reporter Chick is on the news telling the audience to call the National Guard, but people just want to watch hockey and cheer and high five when it comes back on.
Skipper is walking with a brunette cheerleader so you have some hope because the only blonde around is very virginal, so things might be okay. But oh no, here is Hector! Because his entire existence serves to provide misdirection! Skipper shoots Hector, but he doesn’t die and it turns out he is officially not the bad guy, but also then gets SHOT by…
…SENSITIVE BRUNETTE!!! 😮
Oh right, SB is Skipper’s sister. Totally forgot. And their dad is like, Inspector Gadget or Batman or something, and SB has used his highly technological creations to kill the cheerleaders, and all the while she does her Standard Villain Confession Before The Final Kill while the metal blade thing spins ominously about, and then the movie gets EVEN WEIRDER as SB says that all her revenge is in response to her humiliation. I mean, that makes sense, but then she starts saying that men are evil and run the show. And gives a speech about how women are trained to be bimbos and cheerleaders, but if the Earth was rid of cheerleaders, things would be fine, and it is a WAR. Against female oppression. But (Not So Much Now)-Sensitive Brunette says she needs Skipper to support her. But Skipper says no! And they fight.
The metal blade spins through the air and kills Sensitive Brunette.
Time has passed. Skipper comes home and hugs her teddy bear and is either a waitress or a candy striper. She is weary, but an Honest Blue-Collar Woman, and safe at last. Until…
Sensitive Brunette is on the computer! “It’s time for the revolution to begin.” And Skipper SCREAMS! And you see lots of brunettes across the world on their own computers putting on black gloves.
“Phase One is completed. You know your targets.”
DUM DUM DUMMMM!
~ THE END ~