I think that AOL is jealous. I’ve been on it since ’97, but in the past year, it’s become rather unnecessary for my life needs. During the day, I use my work Outlook, because the little white envelopes provide me with immediate gratification. For business emails, I use my Yahoo! address since I’m guessing that my full name comes off as more professional than my AOL name, which is a tribute to Thea Vidale, the sassy comedienne who starred for an all-too-brief moment on her own show about a hairdresser with a heart of gold who’d been working hard — two jobs every day. And of course, I use Myspace email most of all.

So in order to win back my affections, AOL has put in a valiant effort to provide me with all sorts of imperative products and services! And it’s eerie how well my trusty AOL knows the real me. Here are just 10 of 500 thoughtful emails I have received in the past few days:

1. “Free makeover — look 10 years younger!” So the ladies at ShopRite can think that I am in 2nd, instead of 12th, grade. And so not only will I be, in the words of Andrew, “old enough to be (his) mother,” but I will look young enough to look like my own…child? Or something like that.

2. “The 10 mistakes most women make with men.” This is an ad for a book, although I’m really pretty sure I caught all the brilliant nuances just from the email itself. Apparently, I should shut up and have sex until the guy gets tired of me. Actually, let’s just move on.

3. “Adopt your little bundle of joy.” EXCELLENT! I’ve been meaning to obtain more random Russian children, and this looks like it could be my chance. I hope the baby likes 9 Lives, because that is the food that is in my apartment right now.

4. “Ephedra is back!” Love it. Like Jason, it keeps returning from the dead, ’cause I guess it hasn’t taken enough lives just yet.

5. Okay, this is EXCELLENT. “Ashley Parker Angel at the Crazy Donkey!” No, really, does anyone want to go with me? I’ve been thoroughly enjoying his train wreck of a reality show, and now that it’s ended, I need a fix, and also to see if his psycho girlfriend will be there. Seriously, why (WHY) do the mean, bitchy girls always hook the sweet guys? Granted, he is about as bright as the penny that was rejected by my customer the other day, but man, Tiffany is a piece of work. Like, who talks about her baby’s daddy’s morning wood with her mother?

6. “Rent a private island.” Now that is good marketing, right there. “Know your audience,” indeed. I will probably get to “renting my own private island” right after I finish “renting a movie from Blockbuster with change I find in my car.”

7. “Black Singles Connection — connect with someone today!” Well, sure. But my uber-whiteness aside, I’m not sure anyone’s going to want a seven-year-old mother who feeds her Russian baby cat food and also probably makes 10 mistakes with men.

8. From Youstaycoolonthego: “Portable air conditioners!” I — what? How! Are these like those little fans that were so exciting to get from the gas station when I was nine?

9. “Victoria’s Secret Clearance Sale.” Translation: “We have one extra small fuchsia slip top that’s unraveling as we speak, that you can pair with the 36C yellowing white bra that no one wants, and wear it out with the humongous floral patterned muumuu sweaters that we inexplicably sell.”

10. “Savings on Similac/Enfamil.” This way my Russian baby won’t have to eat 9 Lives, so that’s good. I think I shall name my baby “Chorus,” and it will be an homage to Ashley Parker Angel’s baby, Lyric, and I will bring Chorus to the Crazy Donkey, where we will meet, and together form not only a family but also a complete song.

© March 23, 2006