I am hereby imposing a moratorium on the whole goddess thing, because I’ve officially had enough. Is there a company out there that has not yet named a product Goddess, or revolved an ad campaign around being a goddess? Nike is the latest culprit, and I have to see their silly ads every time I sign into Myspace (which is a LOT). So tired of it.

First of all, at this point, it lacks imagination. Are companies sitting around going, “Well, we didnt think to have cavemen who eat roast duck or a guy pulling physics-defying picture frames off of his neck — goddess, it is!” Because it sure seems that way.

Second, I think it is pretty ironic to use empowering words in order to sell women more girly crap they dont need. Dont get me wrong — I LOVE girly crap I dont need! But please. I expect companies to hyperbolize in order to get me to buy their stuff, but try to stay on topic, advertisers. I dont mind Halle Berry’s telling me that I can have Fabulashes if I buy Revlon. I was okay when Clairol implied that I’d be screaming in the shower if I used their shampoo. Wait, scratch that. Those were the most obnoxious commercials ever. Bad example.

But my point is, I don’t mind that advertising is shallow and full of empty promises. I saw “Picture Perfect;” I know the deal. What bothers me is when advertisers try to be something they’re not — meaningful. They are sending a message that they think reads as, “Women are the bestest people in the whole wide world,” but comes across as sort of lazy and cynical — “We know your self esteem is sagging, so here you go, have some razors.” Cause I guess once we have hairless legs, we’ll be all ready to be worshipped. Or something.

And that is my biggest problem with the endless goddess campaigns and products. I get the idea in theory, that we women are supposed to feel good about ourselves, and treat ourselves with respect, and I do appreciate the sentiment if it’s ever genuine, but there’s something about the word “goddess.” I don’t know about you, but I have enough issues without thinking that every time I look in the mirror, I am face to face with a deity. Is that really as good it gets? Me? Because I would really hate to think that the best life had to offer was me in Nike sneakers and Avon perfume.

But if all of my arguments and pleas are not enough to stop the goddess madness, there is one thing that I truly believe should be a very clear message to advertisers to cease and desist. And that one thing is Fantasy by Britney Spears. The commercial. I dont know that Ive ever been more horrified by anything in my entire life, and I watched every episode of ‘Jack and Jill.” I mean, “once upon a time, there was a goddess and a hunter”? WHAT??? Even if Id been on the goddess train…or chariot…beforehand, the thought of being hunted by a Kevin Federline wannabe whilst flitting about a forest in my bare feet (natch) would most certainly send me right off of it. Because…ew.

So there you go, advertisers. My arguments basically boil down to “Yawn,” “WTF,” and “Ew,” but I’d really appreciate it if you could find a different well to frequent for a while. Perhaps you just need a little pick-me-up to get the imaginative juices flowing. Maybe you should chug some Red Bull. I hear it gives you wings.

© October 14, 2005