Life Lessons From Television Reruns

1. If you’re going to tattoo blueprints all over your torso in order to break your brother out of prison, you probably shouldn’t walk around all nonchalant with no shirt on, no matter how hard you’ve been working out, because then your schizophrenic cellmate with bipolar tendencies might try to take your top off when it’s dark outside.

2. You can go crazy and bald and blow up your entire apartment complex, and Jack Wagner will still love you.

3. It is okay for your boyfriend to have a fugue-fueled emotional affair with his ex-girlfriend, and as long as he only goes to second base with her after making you cry, you are wrong to sleep with the sexy art student who is nice to you.

4. Nothing says “I love you” like a good Texas Hold ‘Em reference.

5. You can throw a dodgeball really hard at your best friend, and sexually attack your other best friend, but as long as you are a hyena at the time, it’s all good and they will forgive you.

6. If your boyfriend whom you love, and who deflowered you at the Spring Dance, happens to fall in love with your best friend while you are in France eating brains and hooking up with Superman, then you are obligated to forgive both of them, because you have brown hair.

7. Want to get laid? Throw a temper tantrum!

8. If you are experiencing a lull in your marital relations, have an affair with a clown. Then, when your husband catches you and kills the clown out of jealousy, keep the costume. Be sure there is a bitter mime around to frame.

9. Not only can heroin save you from dying in a plane crash, but it also transforms into beautiful moths when thrown into a fire.

10. If you are in love with someone, but he is a commitmentphobe and you would like some indication that your destiny is with each other, throw a Filet o’ Fish at his head.

© September 13, 2005

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