It’s pretty hard to express my level of excitement upon seeing that there is a “new” Vanderpump on my DVR, even if it is never-before scene footage from Season Three. It is something. Thank you Bravo; I was starting to get the shakes!
Andy Cohen, host of “Watch What Happens Live” tells us over clips that tonight Lisa and the gang of misfits (?) at SUR will be revealing all, as we see two bare male asses and Schwartz hilariously lamenting, “I saw Jax’s dick.”
Shay sings to Scheana! Vail rejects Peter! The boys get vitamin injections! Katie grows a spine! Jax loses the ability to lie convincingly! It’s all happening tonight, again, some more! And I’m stoked.
We flash all the way back to the reunion that just aired. Jax agrees that he says I love you to a lot of women, considering he’s such a commitment-phobe, and Lisa gets understandably creeped out by Jax’s tattooing names and faces of his exes all over his body.
Cut to a tattoo/piercing place. Jax is there with Sandoval to get Carmen’s name on his forearm covered up, and says that it’s not his first coverup. He used to have Stassi’s name, which got turned into a rose. Now he needs to cover up the Carmen tattoo because it made Tiffany (his girlfriend who hooked him up with a sweet suite in San Diego only to get cheated on when Jax had sex with some random in the bathroom) cry. Sandoval laughs and laughs at Jax’s having to cover up a tattoo he’s only had for a month, whilst dressed like the sun.
Jax confessionals that he has not, in fact, learned his lesson about getting girls’ names tattooed on his body. Tom is flabbergasted that Jax would get Carmen’s name tattooed on him if he wasn’t even that into her. Apparently Jax lost some bet with Carmen where he had to buy her some pair of shoes, and by getting the tattoo instead, Jax was saving $700 dollars. I can’t even, with that price tag for shoes, so let’s just move on. He covers it up with a flower, and it hurts.
Reunion. Kristen claims to have moved on from Sandoval, as we flash back to James’s apartment. He’s upset that Kristen remembers her breakup anniversary more than her and James’s dating anniversary. He wants her to get rid of her and Sandoval’s photos together, and delete Sandoval as much as possible from her life. Kristen hurts my heart by saying “photos of he and I,” and goes through the folder of pics, deleting Sandoval ones. She then confessionals that she does understand James’s frustration, but Sandoval still was her best friend for six years and they spent every day together. Crazy antics aside and as much as I think James seems awesome, that part I really do get. After cropping Sandoval out of one pic because she looks really hot in it, Kristen permanently deletes the rest of the photos, then smiles really sweetly at James and says “Skeletons gone.” Aw, I liked this scene.
Reunion. Andy asks Lisa if she plans to add any more restaurants here, or if she’s good with the existing three (Villa Blanca, Pump, and SUR). She says that’s enough, and we flash back to Pump’s pre-opening test run. Peter, Katie, Jen (apparently a SURver) Stassi, Ariana, and Stassi’s Mom (has got it going on!) sit at a table. Lisa says they are going to be her guinea pigs. The restaurant looks very pretty, outside with cool trees all around!
Ariana confessionals that in her experience, restaurant test runs are usually giant shitshows. Sure enough, we see the POS system having problems, which is always a total nightmare for everyone working, and the people at the aforementioned tables complaining that it’s been a long time and they are very hungry. In the end, they get their food and say it was definitely worth the wait. Lisa thanks them for their patience and they thank her for the dinner.
Reunion. Andy asks if Peter and Vail ever hooked up. Why weren’t they at the reunion in the first place? Scheana heard they made out, and sure enough, we see footage of them kissing 😮 Andy says Peter struggled with the ladies this season, as we flash back to Peter’s apartment. Stassi, Kristina, and Katie show up with a birthday cake they made for him and ask about his love life. He says he met a girl but can’t remember her name. She’s in his phone as “Blond Chick.” Turns out her name is Sarah, which Peter finds out when he calls and asks her out for “a drink or some food.”
Then Sarah’s like, “Well I am seeing someone, but I’m…always looking for friends,” and Stassi’s reaction makes me LOL:
Peter’s like um okay, and Stassi awesomely confessionals: “What girls need new guy friends that look like Peter?”
Flashback to Sandoval’s apartment, where Schwartz talks about his latest modeling job, and says that Sandoval is his modeling muse. There’s some hilarious back and forth of confessionals and Sandoval and Schwartz doing all their modeling poses that Sandoval’s named as if they were yoga poses or Phoebe’s guitar chords. Schwartz and Ariana tease Sandoval a bit, and it’s actually really cute 😀
Flashback to SUR, where Jax is going out for a phone break in the alley. Some dude is rolling silver, and Katie is there too. Jax gives her a big apology for being a douche. Katie’s not even trying to hear it, because she knows he’s trying to cover his ass after cheating on Tiffany in San Diego. Jax makes that Very Sincere Surprised face that lets you know he’s probably lying and says he didn’t cheat. He finally walks away in defeat and Katie rolls her eyes.
Flashback to Jax surprising Sandoval and Schwartz with vitamin injections. That sounds really awesome to me, but Schwartz is scared and confessionals in a blue cowboy shirt/peasant blouse that he’s scared.
Ha! Sandoval tells the doctor he’s going to troll Schwartz, then starts yelling in fake pain from behind the closed door. In the waiting room, Schwartz looks terrified, and it is hilarious 😀 Sandoval keeps limping and gasping in pain and generally acting like me after a waitressing shift. He says it’s fun to bully Schwartz once in awhile, and Jax jokes that he doesn’t know whether Schwartz is more afraid of needles or marrying Katie.
I’m totally feeling Schwartz’s pain as he waits for his injection. Not the needle part, I’m fine with those. But I’m pretty terrified of heights, and he looks like how I felt when I first got on the Batapult at Cave of the Winds after losing my religion on the ropes course, right down to the in-labor teeth breathing. So I do feel really bad for him, but it’s still hilarious to watch Jax and Sandoval laughing at him, and Sandoval warning him to make sure there’s no air bubbles in the liquid, or he’ll die.
Whoa, Schwartz then compares it to skydiving, after he gets through it and feels so relieved. I’m proud of you, Schwartz!
Reunion. Scheana says the only thing marriage has really changed for her and Shay is her name, and that life is happier and more blissful. Flashback to Scheana seeking Lisa’s help for Shay and her dad’s lack of rhythm. When Scheana mentions that her dad’s in his 50s, Lisa awesomely goes: “Excuse me, I’m in my 50s, and I was on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ It nearly killed me!”
Cut to Scheana, Arianna, Shay, and Ron (Scheana’s dad) at Gleb’s dance studio. Gleb is Lisa’s partner from DwtS, and apparently very sexual. They all seem to be having fun, and then Scheana in a confessional sums up in one line everything that is amazing about this show and Scheana herself:
“I gotta twerk a little on my wedding day. I mean, obvi.”
Reunion. Andy asks Schwartz why he thinks so many women still fall for Jax. He says it’s because Jax is really good at telling people what they want to hear, including Schwartz himself. Then he TOTALLY blushes when Jax says he loves Schwartz the most.
We flash back to an ep I didn’t see where they are all randomly in…a sauna? A sushi place? Really confused as to what this room is. But anyway, Jax has a bunch of girls in his phone as descriptions, not names, and says that he’s sexted multiple girls at once. And that one time, one of those women turned out to be his mother by accident.
Flashback to Miami, where they are all getting along, drunk on the beach, and swimming. Jax and Sandoval decide to skinny dip, and we see two rather lengthy shots of their bare asses, considering this is on Bravo. Jax laments that this year, only the guys are skinny dipping, whereas on past trips, it’s been girls.
Okay, I thought maybe we were going to get some answers about that confusing room everyone was in earlier. They show the building, and it’s named “Dream.” A clue! But then we get inside; the guys are gone, and the girls are drinking champagne while carving zucchini penises. I know it’s a coed bachelor/bachelorette party, but I’m still super confused about what this room is supposed to be.
Flashback to when Kati and Stassi were still friends and went on the J.D. Luxe fashion truck, which is apparently a thing in LA. You can buy dresses and jewelry, and hopefully no one traps you inside and kidnaps you.
They shop around and it does look like fun. Katie picks up a bra and says, “Oo, this one is really sexy too. It goes like, over the boobs,” and while I agree that it’s a sexy bra, I have absolutely no idea what that second part means.
Stassi says that while she loves the cute dresses, her favorite part of the trucks is that they have “so much great jewelry,” and it appears that Stassi has bought all of it and put it on at the same time.
Flashback to Lisa and her remarkable cleavage holding a meeting at “Fig & Olive” with a restaurant consultant named Todd. She wants to make sure she’s keeping her staff on its toes, and we flash even further back to a secret diner returning her “too sour” drink to Stassi, who cracks me up when she responds, “That’s probably because Jax made it.”
Todd’s going to be the secret diner tonight! He gets a drink from Jax and Ariana, then is seated by Vail, and waited on by Kristen. It’s bizarre to go from so many off-shift staff shenanigans to them all being so professional and gracious. Then Todd finds a hair on his plate. Kristen handles it well, but starts to get a little annoyed when she serves him a fresh new dish and he just wants dessert and doesn’t even want her to wrap up the new meal.
I guess time passes, because now Todd’s sitting down with Lisa and hands her a giant-ass binder, of which she is naturally terrified. “What could be in this manuscript?” she wonders. Then she basically rejects all his advice.
Flashback to a pizza party and Sandoval’s house. Scheana and Katie bicker about whether or not Scheana’s *allowed* to be friends with Kristen. Scheana says “Not everyone sucks Stassi’s asshole like you do, Katie.” I actually like all three ladies in different ways, but am with Scheana on this one completely. People like Stassi might enjoy having ladies in waiting, but IMO don’t really respect pushovers that much. Even Schwartz agrees with Scheana! Katie confessionals that she wants Schwartz to have her back more (DRINK!), and maybe it’s spliced in from a time she’s actually referring to Jax drama, which is more understandable. But I in no way think Schwartz is obligated to have her back over this nonsensical beef that occurred hours earlier in the club. Katie starts freaking out and gesticulating wildly, ranting about I don’t even know what. She storms out, all while Schwartz eats a slice of pizza in the kitchen and completely misses her departure, only to realize quite awhile later and everyone laughs at him 😀
Flashback to the night of Scheana and Shay’s wedding, post-reception. Shay’s written a song for Scheana that he’s performing with Sandoval and “Ryan.” He gets a line or two in, then is like “I can’t do this,” but it’s hard to tell if it’s because he feels too drunk, too shy, or both. Everyone encourages him to try again, and he ends up singing a song about how he and Scheana “will take this world by storm.” Everyone looks genuinely happy for them, and Scheana beams away and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still currently a little choked up. This freaking show, man.
~ THE END ~