Most Disappointing Award

Peter(s)

I’m not gonna lie, Peter(s). I’m more than a little bit PISSED, that Weevil is presumably dead. I mean, there were two of you. I get that you don’t want to mess with the Butterfly Effect, but I agree with Couch Baron — is it like y’all have done such a bang-up job taking awesome care of that butterfly? Wouldn’t it seem like, hey, you’ve screwed up enough already, what’s one more screw-up in order to save the person whose body, up until you ABANDONED it/him, was the host to your very PERSON, Peter(s). Enough italics, but Peter(s), dude(s). That was cold, and just karmically bad of you.

Enabler of My “Heroes” Conspiracy Theories Award

Angela Petrelli

You were so close to yet again winning “Most Fucking Awesome” this week, but were a tad upstaged. However, I am so excited. Awhile back, I got all over hyper and started going on and on about how you did have a superpower, you got people to do what you want them to do. And yes you have dreams too, officially, and that of course pleases me to no end. But it’s more than that, and tonight confirmed it. I think that you see some sort of complicated chess game through your dreams, something that impeccable, type-A-you can’t figure out how to play. So you’re not afraid of anyone around you, and that is part of your strength. But my advice to you right now is, keep being strong. People don’t listen to you because they’re afraid of you; you don’t make them do anything, in the long run — they just listen. But in order to uphold that authority, you cannot let yourself get emotional while you play maternal lion tamer, which you are currently doing. Sylar is your son; Peter is your son: Nathan is your son, and God knows who else. Half the people on this show are related to you. You are the current matriarch in a show about comic books. That is power. But it is a power reliant on careful balance. Don’t look to the people currently around you to get all mushy with. Your chance to feel like a real live person with a heart will come in time, but not now. The second you take your eyes (read: attention) off of Sylar, you lose him. Trust me. If Maya’d understood that, her brother would still be alive.

Can We Lose the Madonna/Whore/Politician Complex Already Award

Tracy/Jessica(?)

Guys. I’m not sure you can hear me, as I yell through the TV set every episode, but Ali Larter’s character, whoEVER you want her to be, I don’t even care at this point, but you are supposed to be taking care of Claire and Elle! They need to come together as messed-up blondes with daddy issues, much like (not) you and (not?) you needed to do all throughout Season One, because enough is enough, and I’m getting antsy! You have an indestructible cheerleader, Veronica Mars, and you, which makes at least six people! So come on, off you go, make it happen! Go become a whole person!

Most Improved Award

Noah Bennet

Notice I call you Noah Bennet now, formerly Mr. Bennet. It’s because, congratulations, you got your own personality! Granted, the minute you stopped obsessing over Claire, she lost the remainder of her mind, but point is, you were pretty funny working with Sylar, and that is what matters right now.

Slightly Improved Award

(Though Not Based on this Weird Late ’90s-NBC-Sitcomesque Pic)

Daphne

You are much more tolerable as a geeky chick than a badass chick. Keep it up, and maybe I will get over how you keep jerking your head around like a bird.

Best Christian Superhero Since Willie Aames Award

Nathan

On the one hand, I’ve never seen someone find God on a show and not lose his mind. On the other, I’d love to see it happen. And this new Nathan is really trying to be a good man! It’s both funny and sweet, and I like it. I also like him and Tracy working together though, and that might be a tricky combination to pull off — virtuousness and chilling with Ali Larter on this show.

Comedic Genius Award

Ando

Hiro: What are you doing?

Ando: I’m being awesome!

HA!

I Don’t Trust You Award:

Meredith (Claire’s Biological Mother)

I think that you’ve brainwashed Claire, and I’m not sure who you are, but I think you are a very old being. You look haunted, and what you did to Claire started out seemingly logical, but ended up something evil. I don’t like you, or trust you. Let’s see what happens though; it’s never too late to be BFF. But first you have to stop disrespecting Sandra’s Mom Authority.

Where are You Going with All This? Award

Claire

I realize you are going through an existential crisis right now, and it is more than understandable, but you are alienating yourself, and that’s not good. If you’re going to live forever, don’t you want it to have some quality? I’m having some conspiracy theories about you and your origins right now, but I’ll leave it at this: your hair has been looking really good. Also, nice job in the suffocation/heat lodge scene. That was really intense.

Most In Need of Aloe Award:

Matt Parkman

Although Claire’s spirit walk went more quickly and compellingly, it’s pretty cool about the developments happening in Africa. However, I will not be able to concentrate on any of this until someone gives Greg Grunberg something healing. I’m worried about him. Maybe it’s the fact that he is the one male on the show not related to Angela Petrelli (as of this writing), but I am feeling quite maternal towards poor pasty Matt Parkman, out there with the sun beating down on him and his hapless ways.

Most Fucking Awesome:

Sylar

Dude. YES. High five. Thank you for making Mr. Bennet cooler, and for your FBI impersonation, and in general, just for proving Bennet wrong when he called you a monster. You’re too smart to be just a monster. Killing Jesse was not really a good way of indicating that though. But that is how much faith I have in you, that I will still vote you Most Fucking Awesome despite your killing Weevil. Just try to keep it under control. And good luck with the…puppy…next week.

Recipient of

Elle

You’ve grown on me, and I am a little worried about you. Come back next week! In the meantime, go find Tracy.

WTF, Photobucket? Nominees

As always, NO SPOILERS!

©2008