There are many directions in which I thought of taking my review of “The Beverly Hillbillies” movie. From 1993, in case there was another besides the TV show. Like when people talk about “The Parent Trap” and mean the new one but don’t take the time to add, “the remake.” That bothers me on a visceral level that I can’t really explain.

But something about these reviews bring out my frustrated English major. I kid you not; the other day I actually uttered the phrase, “I miss homework!” And I meant it. So I thought about structuring the paper around the idea that this movie could in fact be titled, “Every Spelling/WB/et al. Show About California, Ever: If They Were Poor.” But that theory was shot when at the end I discovered that Spelling was actually involved with this movie. It’s less conspiracy theory if I’m all factually right and stuff, you know? Where’s the joy in that.

I also toyed with the idea of pissing everyone off and passionately defending the case for “The Beverly Hillbillies” as one of the most subversively brilliant works of its time. It majestically pays homage to such classic films as “Steel Magnolias,” while alluding to Stephen King’s The Stand. Not to mention its eerie foreshadowing of the Oscar®-nominated “There Will Be Blood.”

But the mental trauma induced by trying to figure out a “Beverly Hillbillies” English paper, combined with the 11th-hour aura of Sunday night proved to be too much. It’s just too stressful, like the time I dropped out of Hofstra.

I instead will leave you with my notes. Yes, I took notes while watching “The Beverly Hillbillies.” If I try to make sense of them all right now, I fear for my mental well-being in the long run. Better to let you make of them what you will. It will be just like watching “LOST!”

My Notes on The Beverly Hillbillies

– The movie starts out with Ellie Mae giving the smackdown to a bear. Immediate awesome points.

– Then there is burping and farting before the opening credits are even over.

– Rob Schneider >:o

– Lea Thompson is amazing.

– Sound effects! Lots of boinks! and zings! and pows!

– The appearance of a monkey is like getting the snitch in Quidditch. You almost can never lose. Not really. Especially when the monkey smacks Lea Thompson really hard in the ass, and you wonder who exactly she pissed off in Hollywood to have awkward sexual tension with her son, a duck, a monkey, and Eric Stoltz, all at separate times. Just kidding about Eric Stoltz. I used to have a big crush on him. Redheaded boys just so rarely show up, in life.

– Quick question: What’s up with oil movies and scenes in bowling alleys? But with no actual bowling taking place. Only creepiness.

– The monkey bowls. Which gives this movie just a bit of a lead on “There Will Be Blood” for best oil movie ever. There is no reason at all that “There Will Be Blood” could not have had a monkey bowling.

– Best Scene Award: Lily Tomlin(!) is calling for help through that newfangled intercom thing, so of course Jethro gets all Encino Man about things and smashes in the wall, thinking Tomlin is trapped there. Very reminiscent of that that “Angel” episode, “Rm w/a Vu.”

– Inexplicable omnipresence of Shasta, of all things.

– School looks like the school in “The Boy Who Could Fly.”

– Lily Tomlin rocks.

– Whatever happened to guy making awkward boner/orgasm noises? That humor was like, all the rage in the early ’90s. Don’t get me wrong. I always found it pretty off-putting, like, please don’t make “BOINGGG!”-esque sound effects if you are trying to woo me. So I just wonder at what point all that was dispensed with, and if maybe despite myself, I yearn for the days of simpler times, when guys wore pleated white pants and made boner noises, instead of behaving like Chad Michael Murray.

– Awesome scene involving Lea Thompson seducing Ernest P. Warren while wearing a Laura Ashley dress and glasses she bought at the Seavers’ garage sale.

– “Happiness,” when “French,” sounds like, “Hap-PENIS.” Who knew?

– This movie has a whole lot of automatic awesome-makers. Besides the monkeys, there are:

jalopies

snakes

sunflowers

country music

a DIVERSITY MONTAGE. It’s amazing, and reminiscent of that horrifying Chris O’Donnell movie. At least we can rest easy knowing nowadays, no one would ever actually compete for love.

– Dabney Coleman and Lily Tomlin have these really out-of-nowhere business conversations, very reminiscent of Caleb Nichol in “The O.C.” Season One, and it’s like, maybe Dabney and Lily are wishing they were in that kind of movie right now, not so much “The Beverly Hillbillies.” Perhaps this movie is some sort of weird Hollywood community service, a la Rory stabbing trash.

– Ellie Mae gets in this one douchebag’s face while I think sticking up for herself or possibly the dude from “Entourage” who has this really strange hat subplot going on. But anyway, she doesn’t even flip him to the ground, just gets a little feisty, and he totally snarls, “I’m gonna KILL you.” Which seems like a bit of an over reaction.

– I just have to type out what is on Lily Tomlin’s computer screen screen at one point:

“As computer technology continues to push forward at an accelerating pace, public virtual reality theatres will become the centers of entertainment. The next century will see the demise of film as the defining creative outlet for society an”

A warning, maybe? From Lily Tomlin? Very “P.S. I Love You.” I think. I haven’t actually seen that movie yet.

– You might think that you will never see TaMAHra propose a threesome with Ernest and Dabney, but should you choose to watch this movie, you will be wrong.

– Chloris Leachman rides a motorbike into the pool. Obviously.

– “Why nothin’ legal round here?” ~ Ellie Mae. This movie is filled with chilling warnings about our current political climate.

– There is this awesomely dramatic, abrupt shift in the score every time Ernest and Ellie Mae have a Meaningful Talk About Ellie Mae’s Mother. All of a sudden someone starts BANGING AWAY on a piano, and it’s amazing.

– DOLLY PARTON!!!!!

– There is a pig on an airplane with a flower and bell on its neck.

– Now the monkey is in a tux.

– Here is where we allude to The Stand, when Lily and Chloris burst into the wedding in Jethro’s monster truck. Like when Trashcan Man stops that one dude from getting quartered. Very similar.

– In case the monkeys and all those gems mentioned above weren’t enough, the movie finds time to have Lea Thompson sweep dishes off of a table.

Hope that helps. To me, “The Beverly Hillbillies” was like an attraction at Universal Studios. I’d rather be at Islands of Adventure, but as far as these things go, “The Beverly Hillbillies” was surprisingly hilarious.

Awesome Award®? Yes. And in case you were wondering, all the other Cheesy Movies thus far “reviewed” get Awesome Awards as well.

SNEAK PREVIEW OF REVIEWS TO COME!

“She Fought Alone” — Tiffani (Amber-?) Thiessen. Brian (Austin-?) Green. Bullies. A confusing obsession with that one Blues Traveler song. Possibly the greatest montage ever. Airs on Lifetime a lot. I can tell you right now that it’s the best movie you’ve never seen.

“Beastmaster” — Fidel recommended this movie to me. I was already putting it on my queue when I saw that Tanya Roberst is in it. Win-win.

“The 90210 Graduation Episode” — Ohhhhh, yes. That’s right.

Speaking of cinematic brilliance anticipation, if anybody has a Cheesy Movie recommendation, please leave it below!

As for the question of the day, have you seen this movie? If so, what did you think? And what are some things that are your “snitch equivalent’;(?)” e.g., monkeys. Other items on my Awesome List include unicorns, Amy Aquino, and forests in the late afternoon.

How about you!