Why I never!…? Part 2!

Click here for Part One!

A Woman Over 30 Should Never:

16. Go braless, no matter her cup size.

Heh. Well, going braless is a great dream of mine, but alas. Though technically, I have some corset-style shirts that I don’t need a bra with, so YAY ME for fighting the system even in an event that should have been a lock!

Maturity: 6, Me: 10

17. Wear flip-flops in the office.

Now, I see that as being much more of an environment thing. At my old job, we were allow to wear flip-flops. Wait, actually we weren’t, but everyone did, especially Babz, who wore ONLY flip-flops! I wore them sometimes too, and was 30 then. So pffft to that!

Maturity: 6, Me: 11

18. Play with her hair.

Wow, I’m surprised this doesn’t say “have long hair,” since we after 30 are apparently supposed to humbly accept our “Thanks for Playing, Old Lady” parting gifts to society. Anyway, whatever. I play with my hair. It’s there, I’m fidgety, whatEVER! That’s what she said.

Maturity: 6, Me: 12 (in more ways than one, it would seem)

19. Wear butterfly clips or thumb rings.

I’m a bit confused, ’cause to me, butterfly clips mean alligator clips. Do you follow? But I don’t know if this just means clips with butterflies on them. Either way, whatever, I’ll wear what I like, and I think thumb rings are sexy. Plus, have I mentioned that I need to be doing stuff with my hands at all times?

Maturity: 6, Me: 13

20. Expect Daddy to get her car fixed, towed, or purchased.

Agreed, but I don’t think this is an age-30 thing. If a woman is old enough to drive, she should be old enough to be responsible for herself. Girls who “expect Daddy” to do anything irritate me to no end. And for that matter, so do girls who say “Daddy” to begin with. Especially to men they’re sleeping with. *Shiver.*

Maturity: 7, Me: 13

21. Buy a “Happy Meal” for herself.

FIRST OF ALL, BOOK, there is NO NEED for the sarcastic quotation marks! Happy Meals are Happy Meals, and they are awesome. I buy them to get Hello, Kitty toys, for that matter! Although I guess the point of this is that since we’re over 30, we shouldn’t try to be hot, so we should go ahead and supersize it, ’cause who’s looking anyway, right? A Happy Meal is the perfect size for me if I want to satisfy a McDonald’s craving!

Maturity: 7, Me: 14

22. Wear a pair of pants that she has to lie down to zip.

Just reading that sentence made me feel claustrophobic. But is there really ever a need for that nowadays? I own some tight jeans, but can get them on standing upright. Not to mention again, why, exactly? My hero Lorelai Gilmore wore tight jeans in pretty much every scene she was in where she wasn’t working, and she was in her 30s, and she looked way hotter than most 20-somethings! I think women in their 30s, if they’re — you know what, Ima wait till the end to talk about this. “Look, I don’t want to go on a rant here…” ~ Tracy Jordan

Maturity: 8, Me: 14

23. Believe what salespeople tell her about how she looks in that outfit.

Yeah. I don’t shop? In stores like that? To begin with? So. And anyway, I’m not an idiot, and I like what I like, period. I wouldn’t listen to salespeople about things like that anyway.

Maturity: 9, Me: 14

24. Have big hair (The ’80s are over!”)

I do not have big hair.

Maturity: 10, Me: 14

WINNER: ME, WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

And yes, that was shorter than expected (that’s what…), but here is where we find out how to be a MAN over 30! So I cannot play along, but you can play along at home, boys! (That’s…HOW DO I STOP!!! Heh.)

Onward!

A Man Over 30 Should Never:

25. Give names to his private body parts.

Should they name their public ones? And what if they named them when they were 16? Should they hold a ceremony to un-name them? These are the hard questions that no one asks. No pun intended.

26. Wear pants low enough to reveal his brand of underwear.

Wasn’t this covered in “Clueless?”

27. Wear baseball caps backwards.

Okay, this is a really tough one for me to answer. Because although I have really awesome friends who wear them and look good, I understand the overall spirit of it, outside of sports situations. But it would depend on the guy, for me.

28. Share alcohol with pets.

Hee! Again though, I must ask, is it okay to do it when you’re under 30?

29. Wear more than one article of clothing with a sports team logo on it.

Eh. Whatever. If he wants to, I don’t care.


30. Hang black light posters on his walls.

Hee! Well, you know, if a guy is awesome enough, I think he could pull it off! Black light can be a lot of fun!


31. Rely on someone else to feed, clothe, or bandage him.

Agreed. Although I like cooking for and taking care of my boyfriend 🙂

32. Wear ponytails. (This goes double if he’s gray or follicularly challenged.)

You know, on the one hand, I agree with the spirit of this, but on the other hand, after 30, if a guy has a ponytail, he’s really committed to that and chances are is either a musician or a hippie or both, and I’m not gonna step on that, he’s loving life! Plus, are we really going to question the awesomeness of Willie Nelson?

33. Watch cartoons without any children present.

BOLLOCKS!!! Why? I personally want a guy who’s in touch with joy, who is not childish, but childlike in lots of ways. I have never had any interest in pairing off with someone boring. I want my guy to be fun! And happy! So if cartoons makes him happy, whom does that hurt?

34. Live with his parents for any reason other than house arrest.

Nice in theory, but it’s a brutal time, economically, and I am in no position to judge this. Unless he’s just a douche, in which case, yeah, the mommy daddy thing isn’t helping him.

35. Require house arrest.

Okay.

36. Skateboard.

Again, why??? Maybe if he has kids and is doing mad dangerous tricks, then sure, but that’s a responsibility thing, not an age thing. If skateboarding makes a guy happy…he should skateboard.

37. Name pets after LORD OF THE RINGS characters.

Now here’s where you should have used quotation marks, Book, not with the Happy Meals. Or italics. Not caps, though. Anyway, this is a pretty tough one. Guys over 30 who are too into LOTR can sometimes be creepy, but at the same time, they’re amazing movies, and I’ve never read them, but amazing books from what I understand. Classics, at this point. Soooo, really, go with your heart on this one. If you’re cool, your obsession is fine by me.


38. Know all the characters in the Marvel universe.

So again, if they knew them when they were younger, should they seek out the Haitian from “Heroes” to erase their memory? Either way, I disagree. Guys who are super into comics and superheroes tend to be some of the coolest guys EVER. And no, I am not being sarcastic.

39. Read the comics first.

If this said, “Read only the comics in a newspaper,” I’d say okay maybe. But why shouldn’t he read the comics first? Sheesh.

40. Suck the filling out of a snack cake.

I notice this wasn’t on the women’s list — ahem.

But um, yeah, I’m not a fan of guys publicly…sucking, you know what I mean? Like who suck everything off their fingers and stuff like that. So I’d personally prefer to not witness this, but if you do it in private, I won’t judge you.

41. Leave .2 ml of milk in a carton and put it back in the fridge.

Okay, “Everybody Loves Raymond” all of a sudden, Book. No, they should not. Are you happy? Can we move on?


42. Play air guitar.

I’m not gonna lie. I’ve always found air guitar a bit awkward, regardless of age. And real guitar playing is hot. So do that.

43. Suck helium from balloons.

Hee. Hee hee hee hee hee hee.


44. Wear anything with Velcro.

I disagree. If a guy makes it to 30 and wants to rock some Velcro, he is probably someone I’d like to have drinks with.

45. Determine cleanliness of clothing by the sniff test.

You can draw your own conclusions from this, but I’d just be grateful that he sniffed at all, if you know what I’m saying.

46. Antagonize zoo animals.

I wouldn’t want a guy at any age who’s not nice to animals.

47. Drink depth charges or do Jello shots.

I had to Google “depth charge,” and got 2,700 different definitions, but I guess it could apply to any “bomb” (Jager, Irish car) type of drink. And whatever. I don’t like overgrown frat boys, but I don’t see why you can’t have these types of shots for fun sometimes.

48. Spend an entire conversation reciting lines from movie dialogue instead of actually discussing something.

Wow, yeah, I agree with this wholeheartedly. I have a VERY low tolerance for this. I love geeks, and I love movies, but that drives me absolutely CRAZY.

49. Go on spring break to hit on 18-year-olds.

Um…well, no, of course not. That is REALLY CREEPY.


50. Play videogames until crippled by carpal tunnel.

Oh, whatever. You’re gonna get carpal tunnel somehow, you might as well have fun. I love gamers.

51. Wear leather pants.

The guys who can pull off leather pants are few and far between. But the ones who can aren’t the kind to stop being able to at age 30.

And here’s where we switch to what “grownups” should do. No telling what “grownups” means in this context, but apparently…


Grownups Should Never:

52. Follow Jimmy Buffett on tour.

Who else is going to though?


53. Use phrases like “fo’ shizzle” and “da ‘hood.”

Um.


54. Go punk. (We repeat: the ’80s are over!)

You can’t really “go” punk, but…I’m depressed now.


55. Add the word “like” to, like, anything they say.

I use it deliberately, Book >:o

56. Dive into mosh pits or body surf at concerts.

‘Cause of the fragile bones, prolly.

57. Ask parents for $20 to go out for dinner.

Well, no. And where are they going out for dinner with just $20? YOU HAVE TO LEAVE A GOOD TIP, DAMMIT!


58. Text, IM, or e-mail NE1 using 2 many Net abbreviations. LOL cu zzz

“Net”?

Although I agree with this one, after a point. I do enjoy the ironic lols and (less) ironic omgs, and have loosened up over the years. But I knew a grown man who emailed like that and it was annoying like, he couldn’t be bothered to type out a word. Nothing can make me lose a hard on like reading “Cya l8r.”


59. Indulge in bubblegum–either the chewing or the listening kind.

WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY!


60. Display theme park paraphernalia in their homes or on their bodies.

Depends how, why, where, yada yada. Shannon has lots of Disney stuff displayed, because she loves it, and it’s pretty! Some people wear Mickey sweatshirts and it’s depressing. Demetri Martin wears one and it is awesome. I think this is more of a case-by-case type of thing. Plus, I would never rule out the option of wearing or displaying something from Islands of Adventure, ’cause that place kicks all KINDS of ass.

61. Attempt to audition for “American Idol.”

Well, yeah. You’re not allowed if you’re over 29. So again. WhatEVER.

62. Bite their nails and chew down their cuticles.

I don’t really know what to say to this one. I don’t do it, but…I just have nothing to say. This book is making me tired.


63. Use “Peace” as a greeting.

Do you mean as a salutation? Because I have never in my entire life heard someone use that as a greeting, only as a goodbye. And Jay just did it the other day on my voicemail, and I thought it was awesome! But I’d agree not to use it if it’s to sound cool and it’s not genuine. Like how some people can say “Later” and you will be like, “Bye,” but others will say “Later” and you will want to kick them in the eye.

64. Buy an outfit for a night, wear it with the tags still on, then return it.

I just think that’s wrong and unsanitary, period, but if you’re not someone who cares about that when you’re 24, you’re probably not going to be someone who cares about that when you’re…however old “grownup” means. Except you will probably be more orange.


65. Take any advice offered by a small gift book.

I am not even dignifying this with a rant.

~ THE END ~

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