So recently at Borders, I came across this:
And since I am a masochist, I decided to buy it, and see how I measure up. But first, let me share with you an intro so horrifying, they may as well just hang it up at the entrance to the Haunted House at Adventureland (RIP Iron Maiden and Freddy Krueger pics):
Relinquish the rubber bracelets.
Kiss Hello Kitty goodbye.
Deep six the Xbox…
…Maturity is calling and it’s asking for you by name.
Sooooo let’s see if that’s true! ‘Cause I think I can outwit this “Maturity”!
A Woman Over 30 Should Never:
1. Dot her “i”s with little circles or hearts.
Heh. Well. Right away, I lose that one. I’ve been dotting my eyes with hearts since I was 13 and decided to teach myself every single handwriting from The Baby-Sitters Club. And like, Stacey was the coolest one, okay? And she had very neat handwriting AND was smart, good with numbers! Plus, her struggles with diabetes and her parents’ divorce. I wasn’t going to just like, abandon her hearted “i”s. Then it became more of an ironic thing, and now I do it just because it’s ingrained in me.
Maturity: 0, Me: 1
2. Wear glittery nail polish.
Screw that! I am currently rocking my requisite chipped pink nail polish (awesomest thing ever: Danielle, holding up her own chipped nail-polished hands: “Judi, we match!”) but if I was around glittery nail polish and felt like wearing it, I sure would! What, all of a sudden I am no longer Judi Posch but Judy Gellar? No.
Maturity: 0, Me: 2
3. Wear anything with Hello, Kitty on it.
Screw YOU, little book! Hello, Kitty is my great love, my great joy, my raison d’etre, if you will. LOVE LOVE LOVE. This book wants to really steal a lot of my joy, it would seem.
Maturity: 0, Me: 3
4. Wear a skirt that’s shorter than the height of her shoe heel.
Well…NO. No, she shouldn’t. A woman over gastrula should never do that. So many things are wrong with that concept and I’m not saying that to harsh anyone’s buzz, but either the shoe would have to be grotesquely high, or that chick has no ass. So either way, I see eye to eye with the book for the first time.
Maturity: 1, Me: 3
5. Pierce anything other than her ears.
I see the point of this, I do. It’s one of the reasons I never re-pierced my tongue. But if you are the kind of woman who can rock another kind of ring (although I will call genital piercings gross until the day I die), then go for it! I’m not, but I still love my belly ring! So whatEVER.
Maturity: 1, Me: 4
6. See “Titanic” more than once.
Let’s see, when was this book written…2007. Okay, that makes no sense and is a ridiculously outdated reference. Strangely enough though, I actually have only seen “Titanic” once, so…point for Maturity, I guess.
Maturity: 2, Me: 4
7. Get a lower back tattoo.
*Exhales.* Fair enough. Fair enough, little book. I’m still getting one though, if I so choose, but for now…
Maturity: 3, Me: 4
8. Blame anything on “baby fat.”
That one just seems dumb to me. I’ve never blamed anything on baby fat, and if anything, now that I’m 32, I am thankful for slightly resembling a grown-up Gerber baby, so.
Maturity: 4, Me: 4
9. Put her hair in pigtails.
Maturity: 4, Me: 5
10. Own a bike with a basket or tassels.
I would LOVE to own a bike, period, especially with a basket AND tassels! Alas, I do not.
Maturity: 5, Me: 5
11. Go to the bathroom in groups.
(Original answer deleted, as I was reminded that I used to do this with Danielle.)
Maturity: 5, Me: 6
12. Try to get back into her prom dress.
WHY! See, this is why I knew this book was gonna be a lotta bullshit ™Lucio. There’s a very “Abandon all hope, all ye who dare to muck up the kinderwhore landscape with your advanced age” vibe going on. Seriously, screw off, Book. I’m not saying I’ll ever wear it again, but I WILL fit into my prom dress again! Heck, I might now. Eh, I’ll try once more in the summer. I want to be a rock star like Peggy Sue!
Maturity: 5, Me: 7
13. Make cupcakes for a party that doesn’t revolve around kids.
Again, why? Cupcakes are awesome! See, this is…I’ll get into that more later.
Maturity: 5, Me: 8
14. Decorate with stuffed animals.
Fine, that is totally fine. I will always love stuffed animals, and will continue to buy and accept them if I feel like it, but I agree about the decorating thing.
Maturity: 6, Me: 8
15. Sport anything decorated with unicorns, flying horses, or rainbows.
Okay, first of all? The word is Pegasus. (Pegasi?) Second, whatever. Ima make a shirt with all three now.
Maturity: 6, Me: 9
~ TO BE CONTINUED ~
-January 24, 2008