– When before you even open your eyes in the morning, your first thought is “I can’t wait to go back to bed tonight,” that is alarming.

– There is nothing like reading The New York Post to make you feel like the world is a very stupid place.

– That being said, you may realize that you’ve read more of the Post than any other newspaper in recent history.

– Speaking of newspapers, The New York Times crossword puzzle is written in secret, maddening code.

– You will be able to name your metal band just by reading newspaper headlines. For example: “Cobra Venom Dope Probe.” Excellent.

– You get better tips when you don’t show up for work unshowered and sporting remarkably stupid hair.

– Or so you remember.

– You will never know true frustration until you try to explain to someone why the soup is actually the regular, printed price, and not the two-dollar one that she made up in her head.

– Hot coffee cascading down over your hand sounds romantic in theory, but is actually quite painful.

– “All I Need” by Jack Wagner is a song to make you smile if ever there was one.

– It’s very funny and cool when your cat pees in the toilet, but also kind of creepy, because you no longer feel alone in your apartment.

– Your first thought of the day may be, “I can’t wait to go back to bed tonight,” but that does not mean that you are powerful enough to resist a “Six Feet Under” marathon on Bravo.

© February 6, 2007