So it’s been awhile now, since I wrote to Hank, begging for a MyThirst ID. And enough time had passed that I felt I should give it another go.

This time there will be no games. No lies — this time I will not pretend to have been born on February 29th in a leap year that didn’t exist.

My birthdate? August 31, 1975 (Same (day) as Van Morrison, Chris Tucker, Debbie Gibson, and Brian! Hi, Brian!).

My email address? Okay, I will just put it out there. No hiding behind the comfort of my various Yahoo!® accounts. I, Hank, am Thea4ever@aol.com, and have been for ten years now.

Why, yes I AM a U.S. citizen! I’ve been places, though, and am cultured and stuff. I went jogging in a town square in Germany by myself at one in the morning, in my HOT ’91 exercise outfit that consisted of shiny black spandex biker shorts and a fluorescent pink bathingsuit. No, I’m totally serious. Also, most likely, a jogging bra or two. And anyway, I really don’t think anything of going jogging in the middle of the night, not even in Germany, and so but yeah, the German cops were all, “Flittendee bok bok grr das a vee bock!” And I am all, “Nieche Deutsche (sp?)!” And long story short(er), I guess they didn’t want it on their consciences that a dumb American girl was murdered on their watch only two months shy of her Sweet 16. So I had to go back to my hotel room.

Okay, well I’m doing that thing where I chatter on to avoid being vulnerable. It’s why I sometimes get a little offended by people who unequivocally despise Lorelai Gilmore.

As I was saying…let’s move on to the next page!

Name? Judith Posch. Gender? Female. It’s true. Email address? Well, I did just tell you, but I understand if you’re feeling a bit needy at this time, given my dishonesty in the past. I was never 47 years old, or 11 3/4 years old, if you are to believe the false leap year. So yes, I’ll say it again: Thea4ever@aol.com.

Password? To paraphrase Tom Hanks in “Saving Private Ryan,” because I can’t get the exact quote, since Google® and I are apparently in a fight, “That’s just for me.” And Hank, of course.

Also just between Hank and me is my address, because I am not as stupid as I used to be regarding Internet safety. Sorry, Shannon!

Next question. Would I like to use my phone to enter my codes? No. No, I definitely would not like to do that.

Now I am signing my life away, by clicking that I — check! — agree to sell my soul to Coca-Cola® in order to win possibly a trip to someplace where I promise not to jog at night! But more likely, will be for a liter of Coke! Which is very very annoying, because it’s like, impossible to redeem, and when you do, the cashiers totally hate you! I know, because I was one of those cashiers! Seriously, my conflicting emotions right now are enough for like, a whole night on the WB (RIP)!

Now, I am being asked which type of Coke I prefer: Diet Coke, Coca-Cola, or Coke Zero? First of all, can I just say that Coke Zero is like the opposite of Crystal Pepsi (RIP, say hi to the WB for me!). See the thing is that Crystal Pepsi was actually kind of pretty disgusting. But no one talks about that. It’s like the friend that everyone hates and phases out, but once he’s gone, you wax nostalgic about him. Because see, Crystal Pepsi was beautiful. It was all image, but such a lovely image. Of Sammy Hagar-era Van Halen singing about RIGHT NOW — don’t wait for tomorrow! Crystal Pepsi was all about believing that YOU could dive into that C/crystal-clear pool and be renewed. Even though it really wasn’t very good. Crystal Pepsi was the Mischa Barton of sodas!

Wait, what? Oh, right, Coke Zero is like the opposite of Crystal Pepsi, because it is all dark and scary, and looks like a poster for a horror movie that will be either really terrible or really awesome. I don’t want to be afraid while drinking an ostensibly refreshing beverage. But you know, I really haven’t tried Coke Zero that I remember. Maybe I should give it a chance. Maybe Coke Zero is Rachel Bilson! After all, Crystal Pepsi died WAY before Coke Zero!

Okay. I obviously can’t click Coke Zero, and I DO love Diet Coke, but really try hard not to drink it since the summer of ’89 when, in addition to having the worst hair of my entire life, I was heavily addicted to Diet Coke. So I will click regular Coke.

“Would you like to sign up and receive information on special offers, sweepstakes, new products and other great information from MyCokeRewards?” Definitely not. Although it’s kind of sweet, the optimism with which Coke clicks “Yes” for you at first.

“Would you like to receive emails from The Coca-Cola Company about other brands, new products or promotions?” Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there, Coke! Let’s just get through this together, and worry about what the future holds for us later on.

“*Periodically, we will send you emails and/or mobile communications about MyCokeRewards. What is your preferred language?” Well, okay, then, I guess all of that polite stuff above was just a formality. It’s very much like how I’ve been strong-arming my guests at work into buying add-ons, just so that I can win a contest to go drink beer for free during the day. So I will click English, because as fun as it might be in theory to receive text messages and emails in Spanish? Well, I think we’ve all learned our lesson about that from drunken nights at the ATM.

Enter security code…I always hate these. I get total performance anxiety.

We’re doing it — oh my goodness, am I about to receive an elusive MyThirst ID?! I feel just like Dorothy when she finally meets the Wizard, and kind of can’t help but expect Coke to have nothing in that black bag for me.

And sure enough. But not ONLY do I watch my MyThirst ID once again soar away in a figurative hot-air balloon, but like, you know how I just wrote out everything I did to get this far, and its length rivaled an Ayn Rand novel? Well, all of THAT led to THIS:

So not ONLY do they unceremoniously reject me after making me bare my soul, but they can’t even be bothered to put a period after “again”?

That’s it. It is ON. I really have to go to bed at some point before the sun rises, but as soon as I can, Hank is getting a PIECE OF MY MIND!!!

© March 28, 2007