1. You may wake up one day with the need for temporary tattoos.
2. This will be the day that ShopRite removes its sticker/tattoo machine from the premises.
3. You will then drive all over creation, thinking that if ShopRite had tattoos before they found out about your plans, surely there must be an unsuspecting Walgreens or Pathmark out there that still has them.
4. You will be wrong.
5. When you finally find tattoos at Waldbaums, you will feel an overwhelming sense of relief wash over you.
6. This relief will be immediately replaced by humiliation after you cry out “Yes!” upon spotting the machine.
7. In front of others.
8. While wearing a bandanna.
9. By the time you have spent 10 minutes and 10 dollars getting tattoos one by one from the very loud machine, you will have a “Maid to Order” moment, in which you realize that perhaps you and the crazy coupon ladies aren’t so different after all.
10. Last-minute desperation will enable you to unironically plaster the words “American Hardcore” on more of your body than you’d ever thought possible.
11. On the day you return to work, you will be greeted by wide eyes and exclamations of “Are those real?” exactly 47,358 times.
12. Yes, we are still talking about tattoos.
13. Before responding to this question, make sure you’ve had at least 5 cups of coffee, or the horror over mankind’s stupidity will send you down a deep spiral of depression.
14. Because if you did come into approximately 2,000 dollars over the weekend, and you did spend the entire sum on tattoos, and you did devote 72 hours to getting them drawn and filled, wouldn’t you hope that they at least didn’t resemble the looseleaf binder of a 13-year-old boy?
15. Olive oil is great for removing the tattoos, AND makes your skin silky smooth! However, though time may seem to stand still when you’re rubbing oil on yourself at 7:30 in the morning, it, in fact, does not, and you will be late for work. Plan accordingly.