Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep5: Lost and Found

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Poolside party at Melrose Place! Everyone is dancing. Amy Locane is wearing her denim shorts with the butt daisy again. For the most part, people are dressed how you’d expect for a summer party. Jane is rather formal in her Laura Ashleyish sundress, but Billy is the most confusing in his khakis and baggy short-sleeved shirt, especially since he’s usually just wearing a towel. Naturally, the less-clothed people throw Billy into the pool. “This was my last clean shirt!” Billy admonishes them, and exposits that he got a job working for a paper, but it’s just a “freebie…people are gonna line their litter boxes with them.” Meanwhile, I’d be SO THRILLED to work for a free local paper! Jake asks what Billy’s going to write about, and Billy says “Me.” Jake pushes him into the pool again, and everyone laughs in this really strange, fake way.

Allison compliments Jane on her dress, and Jane tells Allison to come down to the “bow-tique” because they got some in just like it.

Michael walks in dressed like Jerry Seinfeld in a tie and says “What’s up dudes!” He’s excited because the kid they were working on came through, so they push him into the pool and the scene ends with Jane looking like this:

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Next morning. Jane’s in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test, while Michael blabbers on in the background about how all the cool kids are going to Yosemite and so should they! But Jane’s test came back positive, and she does not look too happy about it.

Jane’s Bow-tique. Allison comes out of the dressing room, self conscious because the dress she’s trying on is see through. “Maybe with a unitard,” she says, and can I just say how much I MISS unitards? They were my wardrobe staple from ’94-I don’t even know when. I guess whenever my last one got lost or worn through. But anyway, I don’t know what Allison’s talking about in the first place. There is a very modest kind-of see through pattern through the waist section of the dress, but the dress itself is long and shows no cleavage or even arm above the elbow, and she looks nice. Relax, Allison.

But really this is all just set up anyway to have Jane tell Allison she’s pregnant. She and Michael “just got carried away one night,” and it wasn’t planned. Allison follows her around and gets excited about a baby coming to Melrose Place, but Jane seems less than thrilled as she continues to hang up clothing around the store and admits that it feels a little soon, and she hasn’t told Michael yet. On a side note, Josie Bissett looks astonishingly gorgeous in this scene, even for her.

Weird-ass yet/therefore delightful little scene of Billy typing at his computer, which is now in the living room instead of the kitchen. He exasperatedly crumples and throws away paper after paper after paper, even though he is using a word processor so I’m not sure why he needs to print out all the stuff he’s just going to throw away. I get nostalgic seeing the little holes from that old printer paper that had the perforated edges you had to tear off. Billy says, “Well, at least I still got my day job.”

Allison comes home. Will she walk through the door and judge Billy for something? Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen!

Whoa! She kind of does, but not really! While she acknowledges that the apartment’s in disarray, Allison shows compassion to Billy, smiling sympathetically and asking what happened! Billy despite having trashed the living room with paper is now cleaning the refrigerator and talking about how the article he’s working on sucks. Every time he tries to write, it sounds stupid and boring. He says that he is too ordinary, and needs to do something extraordinary! He tells Allison they’re going to Shooters, so he can at least get started on having a terrible drinking problem like a real writer!

Transition with what sounds like “Brady Bunch” music, but is actually a band in a Mexican restaurant that plays as Jane and Michael dance, while he says they could never find good Mexican restaurants in Chicago (really? I’ve only eaten ice cream in Chicago, but that still surprises me), and that he is getting drunk from the margaritas. Rather than tell Michael she’s pregnant, Jane tells him that she wants to have a baby. Michael says they’re at least five years from that, as he is just an intern (which explains why he had to use the pay phone in the other ep, I guess).

Shooters. Billy is saying that drinking and drunks are depressing. Matt and Jake join them, as Matt regales them with a story of a 12-year-old pulling a knife on a 15-year-old at the halfway house, and his delivery is downright bizarre. Maybe if Matt had been at the bar already drinking, but as it stands, his jovial tone is super weird. He and Jake both order “Beer,” which hilariously arrive in bottles labeled thusly. Billy is jealous of the kids because knives are dramatic and he is boring. Just drink your freaking shot of whiskey and pipe down, Billy. Better yet, if you hate drinking, don’t order straight-up whiskey. Though since this is a Spelling show, he probably ordered it “neat.”

Billy puts his arm around Jake and wonders after his adventures. We find out that Jake has had a cowboy boot thrown at him in a motel room, and I really wish we could watch that scene instead. Now Billy gets enamored with a guy walking in clad in spiked leather and a neck brace. He hollers across the bar to ask how the guy got the neck brace, and the guy answers, “Bungee jumping,” then as if the show heard me, he orders, “Whiskey, straight up.” Billy dashes around the bar, saying “No, have mine,” and pesters Bungee Dude for more details. Bungee Dude awesomely says, Man, it was outrageous,” and describes leaping off of a bridge. That really does sound scary. I’ve bungee jumped, but it was at a theme park with a cushion below.

Allison hasn’t judged Billy all day, so she gets her ya-yas by asking the guy why he’s wearing a neck brace if it was so great. He answers “Whiplash,” and walks away as Billy tells the other guys they need to all go bungee jumping so he can write an article about it. Way to be sexist and not invite Allison. Jake agrees, then Matt, who’s seemed shitfaced for the entire scene. Allison judges all of them in one fell swoop for their plans, and the Earth’s natural balance is restored.

Back to Jane and Michael at the Mexican restaurant, where they are now talking in a rounded booth. Michael says that he doesn’t want to be like his dad, as he and Michael’s mom started “pumping out kids” very shortly after getting married, and Michael’s always felt some resentment from them, like he’s living the life his dad wanted to have. He reminds Jane that they both have careers they care about, and we learn that Jane’s designed a line of “funky evening wear” for her bow-tique. Michael says they could get a dog, and Jane sadly goes to the bathroom.

Next morning. Allison asks Jane how Michael took the news, and Jane explains what happens. She says that if she tells Michael she’s pregnant, he’d probably want to go through with it, but she knows that’s not what he really wants. Josie Bissett does a really nice job in a very short scene of conveying her distress and confusion, and we find out that she’s possibly considering an abortion.

Michael and Jake walk down the street drinking coffee and eating donuts. Michael gives this high-as-hell sounding speech comparing relationships to donuts, and says that Jane wants to have a baby. Jake gives the obligatory line about “the idea of bringing a kid into THIS world,” and Michael says that there are a few intern dads, and none of them have happy marriages. Just as I think maybe I can like Michael a little bit here, he starts yammering on about how Jane “gets so sensitive, you wouldn’t believe it!” I actually like this scene in a way because it shows the main difference between Michael and Jake: Michael is married with a serious job, but has like zero empathy skills or self awareness. Jake has unsteady employment and women issues up the yin-yang (so to speak), but he usually owns it and like, tries to try at the very least. He might be a screw up, but I think that Jake unlike Michael would *believe* that a wife might get a little *sensitive* when she says she wants a baby and her husband is like “Lol, pshaw.”

Oh, and in keeping with the “?” theme of food on this show, albeit coffee in this case, Michael adds sugar to his coffee when there are only a few inches left and even though he is also eating a donut. People on this show are sugar fiends! But anyway, after he adds the sugar, the cup is suddenly like three-quarters full! 

Billy shows up in his cab and invites Michael to go bungee jumping. Michael politely declines. Jk, he laughs in their faces and says no.

Melrose Place. Nighttime at Rhonda and Sandy’s apartment. Sandy says that she hates fish, as Rhonda prepares some and tells Sandy that she’s going to shut up and eat it, and says Sandy needs to eat something healthy. Probably, Rhonda should just invite everyone over for dinner and pump them full of nutrients to counteract the sugar crash.

Jane pops in, manically saying that she stayed home from work to work on these dresses and makes Sandy and Rhonda try them on. She realizes they look terrible, and Rhonda says she’s shaking. Rhonda does what anyone would do when one’s friend is clearly distraught about something: dangles a dead fish in front of Jane and invites her to dinner. This prompts Jane to run to the bathroom to puke. When she’s done, Sandy asks if she’s pregnant, and Jane confirms. They congratulate her, but realize Jane’s “not exactly jumping for joy.” Jane runs out of the apartment and asks them not to say anything.

Billy’s shirtless (DRINK!), but he’s in bed having a nightmare, so it’s more appropriate than usual. He dreams of himself as a kid, climbing to a high diving board while two adults cheer him on from below — his parents? Billy the kid (!) jumps off, but becomes Billy the adult, who wakes up screaming. Allison knocks on his door for a change of pace, but when he doesn’t answer, she barges in anyway. She asks why he’s going bungee jumping, because it’s so dangerous. Billy says that his whole life, he’s done everything right and has never taken risks, and now he just has to. “A stupid, reckless risk?” Allison asks (DRINK!) and Billy says yes. She tells him to be sure they make the cord the right length, unlike these two college kids she read about recently.

Wait. Are they trying to go for some “cord” theme in this episode, between Jane’s pregnancy and bungee jumping?

Daytime at Melrose Place. Matt and Billy show up at Jake’s, who asks if they’re really going through with this. They say yes, and Jake goes to get dressed, while Billy heads to the car with Matt, who is for some reason drinking coffee out of a regular mug, even though he’s going on a road trip.

Jane goes to Allison’s place and tells her that she’s decided not to have the baby. She asks Allison to come with her to the clinic for a counseling session. Allison urges her to include Michael in the decision, and Jane says she’s just exploring her options. Allison says she will go, then kindly tells Jane that she’s so sorry she has to go through this, and hugs her. The result looks like a cover of a Sweet Valley High book where they focused on a character besides one of the Wakefields:

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Matt drives Jake and Billy in a car that looks like someone forgot to finish assembling, and they arrive at the bungee jumping bridge just in time to see someone dive off and bounce around while cheering his approval. All three guys look quite intimidated, but Jake declares, “Let’s do it!” and they all run out of the car with determination.

Clinic. A doctor confirms that Jane is indeed pregnant, and questions Jane’s choice to not tell Michael. Jane looks distraught.

Bungee Bridge, which is apparently run by “Bungeeeeee Adventure Co.” Billy for some reason reads his affidavit out loud in front of a video camera, saying that he won’t sue the company in case of death. The word “death” keeps popping up, as Billy gets increasingly nervous. Matt comes back from his jump and says it’s unbelievable and amazing. They watch Jake take his jump, and now it’s Billy’s turn!

Cut to Billy sitting on the edge of the bridge, and this really does look terrifying. The instructors count down for Billy to jump, and he flashes back to the adults cheering him on in his nightmare. Billy can’t do it, and I honestly can’t blame him.

Clinic, which is called “Womens Medical Arts,” with no apostrophe in “Womens.” Allison and Sandy are in the waiting room to support Jane, and Sandy tells a story of her own abortion when she was 16, in a monologue that Amy Locane does a good job with. I’m digging her more with each episode. She tells Allison that she could have used someone like her back then, and Sandy and Allison officially decide that they are friends.

Melrose Place at night. Rhonda goes to Jane and Michael’s to drop off some food. Jane’s not home yet, and Rhonda essentially blabs to Michael that Jane’s off having an abortion, then flees in shame after realizing that Michael didn’t know.

The Bungee Boys return. Matt and Jake tease Billy for not jumping, and they do a hilarious product placement with a Coke toast — Billy and Jake with regular, Matt with diet. They invite Jane, who walks in without Allison and Sandy for some reason, but she declines…

…and walks into her own place, where Michael is waiting in the kitchen to yell at her for aborting their baby. But Jane says that she couldn’t go through with it, so of course Michael turns on a different dime and starts yelling at Jane again for excluding him from any planning. He storms out into the main/pool area and she follows him. Everyone who’s not already outside comes to see what all the hubbub’s about. Michael spit-yells in Jane’s face before storming off, and I hate him more than ever. Poor Jane. Especially when the Bungee Boys chase after Michael, but the women just sort of stare at her from their doorways. Wtf?

Michael storms down the street while the other guys tell him to slow down. They banter some sexist comments about never trusting women; then Jake says they’re going to Shooters. So poor Michael can drink while his wife that he screamed at and ran away from can’t. “MICHAEL!”, *Fist shake* TM Jerry Seinfeld, indeed.

Jane sits by the pool as her girlfriends decide to finally show some comfort, which Rhonda does by regretting her ability to boil water and make fettuccine, rather than her big mouth. Jane worries that she’s blown it for good, as Michael loves you forever until he feels like you betrayed him. Which, okay fine, I get the dramatics of that attitude, but think that marriage still requires some give and take; Michael Mancini is not a Shakespearean king. And I agree that Jane should have communicated with him, but it’s not like she even actually had the abortion. Freakin’ Michael. Allison hands Jane a cookie. Sandy’s also eating a cookie, but I have no idea where they came from. And who eats dry cookies with nothing to wash them down?

Shooters. Michael whines about realizing he doesn’t know anything about Jane after all. The guys remind him that he loves her. He agrees but starts monologuing again (I guess as far as this show’s structure goes, he kind of is a Shakespearean king) about having a baby, and the guys are like, “Wait, what baby?” So the guys are being totally bro-tastic about how you can’t trust women and don’t even know what happened?! Ugh. Anyway, they high five Michael and say that he’s the bravest one, even though he didn’t bungee jump. They offer to buy him a congratulatory drink, but Michael realizes he needs to go home to Jane.

Jane lies in bed, staring at the wall. Michael comes home and sits on the edge of the bed, saying he really does want the baby. So does Jane. Jane and Jane alone apologizes for the goings-on, then says that Michael’s going to be the best dad. I guess so long as the kid never betrays Michael. They start kissing and just to put the gross cherry on the sundae, call each other “Mom” and “Dad.”

Allison and Billy’s. Billy finishes reading his new article out loud to Allison, who says that for a Valley boy, Billy can be surprisingly cool, and that it’s great. Billy replies, “At last, she approves,” which is actually really cute. They say goodnight to each other, and Billy goes back to typing: “Today, I saw a young man meet fatherhood and survive…Move over, Doogie Howser.”

~ THE END ~

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