“Heroes” Season 3 Premiere: “The Second Coming”/”The Butterfly Effect” Slam Book Awards!

Most Disappointing Award

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Mohinder

What the heck, Mohinder? What happened to you? You started out hot and intelligent, with awesome glasses. Then you got really boring for awhile, including, and up through, this very episode, until you just lost your shit completely and injected yourself with a superhero syringe. How in any way does this seem like a good idea? Just because you’re in Isaac’s apartment doesn’t automatically mean you have to stick needles in your veins. So forgive me if I don’t feel very bad for you and your creepy back boils.

PULL IT TOGETHER, ALREADY Award

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Maya

So sleeping with Mohinder while he was acting cracked out of his mind was really, really dumb, no matter HOW many new muscles he has. Look, I get that you’re the new Moral Center o’ Ambivalence, and you’re a lovely girl, but this back and forth “I love you! But I hate you! And you’re evil! No, I’m evil!” sobby stuff got old during your eternal plot from Season Two. I like you, and know you can do better.

“Yay, Look Whose Name is in the Credits!” Award



WEEVIL!!!

Most In Need of Getting Smacked Across the World Award

Matt Parkman

I’m SORRY, Matt Parkman, you know I love you. Even if I didn’t love you as Parkman, I’d have to based on your Greg Grunberg-ness alone. However. You really need to work on your game face, like you’d think you’d have been thrown in enough cells, nightmares, et al. by now to realize that when you start reading someone’s mind, you probably shouldn’t every single time, cock your head to the side and stare wildly around. It sort of gives you away. Let Peter(?)’s bitchslap and the scorpion crawling over your face be a lesson to you.

Who the Hell Are You Award

Tie:



Peter(?)

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and Tracy(?)

Peter is Peter from the future, but he is also Weevil, and shoots Nathan to try to save the world, but also seems evil, and meanwhile Nikki/Jessica is now Tracy, who wears a tight ponytail and turns people into ice. Who are you guys and also please can you bring back Jessica? Tracy, you can stay ’cause you’ve got a cool power, but I really dig Jessica the most. If you are her, you can tell me. Peter, be a good boy and stop shooting your brother.

Most Improved Award



Nathan

Nathan, I’m not going to lie. You did next to nothing for me in Season One. It’s not your fault; I just couldn’t care less about the inner workings of WASPy politicians’ lives. Season Two, I enjoyed watching your hair activity, week to week, but you didn’t have all that much to do, though you were often funny during those times. But NOW, you are awesome in every way, and don’t worry, I don’t think you’re crazy, and any time you need to go cry and hug everyone in a candle-lit church, I am totally there for you if you need a helping hand. Keep on rocking, and ignore that lying bastard Linderman. You rock!

Taking Over for “LOST” Michael’s “MY SON!!!” Award

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Mr. Bennet

Dude. Do you not see that your uber-tunnel vision really causes you to make one bad decision after another? Stop obsessing over Claire, ’cause obviously you can’t keep her from getting her head cut open, so it may behoove you and the world to get over yourself and start helping!

Most Had-It-Coming Award



Claire

Look. I wouldn’t wish having one’s head cut open and brain felt up by one’s surprise uncle on anyone. That said, you’ve been acting like a complete pain in the ass bitch for a WHILE now, and yes I know you are young but I also have to deal with you, and really you caused a whole shitload of problems by letting The Flying Douchebag worm his way into everyone’s lives, and also, your love affair with your own pain was getting super disgusting. Having your brains exposed was just the next logical step. Straighten up your act, and go use your powers for good instead of trying to derail innocent train passengers and give a conductor a nervous breakdown.

Comedic Genius Award



Sylar

“Claire. That’s disgusting.” HA! You just rule in general; sorry about your getting strapped down, but I have faith in you. Way to go, not killing Claire. That was bizarrely classy of you. Have I mentioned you’re my favorite? Oh, and that whole deal with letting your body heal while every bullet dropped out of you and clattered to the floor? NICE.

Most in Need of a Self-Esteem Boost Award

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Elle

Elle. Listen to me. You got a bum deal with your father. He sucks. He’s manipulative and horrible and mean and he didn’t appreciate you. But look, he’s dead now and just for you, I won’t even give him an award. Stop obsessing over Claire (this could be my advice to almost everyone), and go be all that you can be. Because guess what? You know who got attacked by Sylar and didn’t stop him with her powers? Claire! You know who DID stop him? You! Yes, you freed a lot of evil guys into the world, but somehow I think you can handle them. Cheer up!

Go Sit In the Corner and Think About What You’ve Done Award

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Hiro

WTF, Hiro. Though ironically you can travel through time, you gave us the endless Season Two feudal Japan plot that felt slower than real-time. However, I love you, so I soldiered through. But now because of your logic allergy, we have this REALLY ANNOYING CHICK named Daphne whizzing around, pissing me off, and I am just very NOT happy with you right now!

Most Fucking Awesome Award

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Angela Petrelli

YOU are fierce, and I love you. Keep on rocking hard, but one bit of advice, I think you could do a wee better job choosing your allies. That’s all, off you go, kick some ass and take names! Oh also, way to go on being Sylar’s mom. I knew it!

Recipient of

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Micah and Monica

Please come back soon! Besides being two of my favorite characters, you have my two VERY favorite powers, and I was sad to not see you after all these months!

©2008

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