So we’re speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you’re not here
~ Azure Ray
It’s been a year. Today, it’s been a year, since.
I’d never lived in any other state in my entire life, besides New York. My biggest move before a year ago was 260 miles to Oneonta. Upstate, but still New York.
I’m a native New Yorker, and proud of it. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere, but why would you want to live anywhere else?
But a year ago today, May 7, I left. Goodbye not to sunflowers, but to great pizza.*
To real bagels.
To my grandmother.
To the place and person I called home for years.
A year ago today was probably the hardest day of my entire life, and while we may be discussing first world problems, for me, that is saying a lot.
But it needed to happen. And a year ago today, after some heartbreaking goodbyes, I left.
Long Island got further away as the van drove towards JFK. Looking back, I don’t know how I did it. It helped that my mother was there, being the champion and savior that she’s always been to me. On the worst day of my life, I must say that I had a great time chilling at the airport with my mom, eating and drinking and being merry. For tomorrow…
And who knew, a year ago today, what tomorrow even meant.
Because even though the idea of not living in New York was incomprehensible, my plane ticket was one-way, at least for the time being.
My heart would not stop breaking and shattering that day, to the point where I just went numb and wanted to sleep.
Finally after a whirlwind day that lasted forever and seemed even longer, my mother, two cats, and I arrived in Colorado Springs after three hours in cars and more on a plane. TDo you want any cupcakes, wine, or beer?”
In that moment, it was the best question that anyone had ever asked me. Because it meant that after the break up, and the move, and the traumatization of my cats,
and the plane, and the lack of Xanax, and the back-of-plane-seat“Mean Girls,” after freezing on a couch weeks before because who knew that breaking up could be so freaking cold?
After all of that, I was home, at least in that moment.
And so it’s been a year…
I don’t know. Why this happened, why this is. Why I am here, and not there. But I know that I am healing. I know that for maybe the first time in my life, I care about healing.
Maybe this test will never end. Maybe the lighter days will not begin.
But it’s been a year, and I’m ready for the next one.