So I was driving on the parkway today and I look up and see one of those signs that are kind of like scoreboards? Where they basically spend tons of money to post irrelevant blather. Usually it’s along the lines of, “Traffic moving well to Exit 30,” which is true if you view “well” as a subjective term. Sometimes it’s about roadwork that’s going to take place in December 2013 at four in the morning on a Tuesday. Every now and then it reminds us to buckle our seatbelts, and you think to yourself that if they’re going to do that, it could at least be obnoxiously entertaining like Eartha Kitt in the taxicabs.

Today, however, the sign was *unusual.* It said “SIGN TEST.” And when I tell you I spent at least a solid two minutes wondering what that meant, I am being conservative. I kept waiting for pictures of signs to pop up, like, “Yes, that one means ‘Yield’ — good job, Judith!” It occurred to me that maybe I was supposed to look around for signs and my observational skills were being tested. Eventually I realized, oh. They’re testing the sign to make sure it’s working. Sign test. Mystery SOLVED.

And speaking of signs. There was a dramatic afternoon a couple of years ago. Shannon and I had eaten lunch together and on the way back she saw a poster that upset her greatly. There was a sign, you see, advertising “Lab Puppies For Sale.”

How SAD, these poor puppies! They must have been tested on and now the labs didn’t want them anymore and were selling them, but who in the world would want to buy a messed-up puppy?

Me, of course! The poor puppies! How though, would I convince my landlord to let me have a puppy on top of my two cats? And was I myself ready for the commitment? I’d never even had a healthy puppy, never mind a sick one.

No matter. I got my Emma Nelson on and marched over to Babz’s desk, as she was very good at helping me plot random schemes in lieu of working.

“Babz, do you want a puppy?” I began, and she was like, “Um.” But then I explained the sign, fully expecting her to be all, “Oh no!” and maybe work up the enthusiasm to get a puppy as well.

“Judi…I think that sign meant lab puppies, as in, Labradors. ”

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I immediately emailed Shannon with the good news that the puppies were safe. But I must admit that I was slightly sad. I’d gotten kind of psyched for my phantom puppy. Maybe one day. Awwwwww.

©May 22, 2008