I would like to extend a hearty Thank You to Krysi for suggesting tonight’s fine movie! One that frankly I’m surprised I hadn’t already seen, but I hadn’t.
The opening credits sequence to “Who’s That Girl” features Madonna in cartoon form, roaming around town a la Jayne Mansfield in “Girl Can’t Help It.” Her song “Causing a Commotion” plays in the background as she causes accidents all around, due to being so sexy. Then there are these bad guys! They put a body into Madonna’s trunk and she drives away.
Car chase! A fruit stand gets upturned, so you know this is serious! Cartoon Madonna gets arrested and sent to jail.
Real life! Madonna is at a parole hearing in her blue prison uniform. She asks to smoke a cigarette, and the guy at the parole hearing desk says “Yes of course.”
Madonna is going home to Philadelphia and has to report to her parole officer every two weeks. A lady at the desk asks “Do you have any more questions?” Madonna answers, “Yeah. Got any mascara?” Then gives a wink, so we get a brief idea of what we’re in for.
New scene at the docks. There is a crate labeled “Endangered species,” in a shoutout to “Creepshow 2” also being Netflixed at my house, even though “The Crate” was in the first “Creepshow.”
Griffin Dunne! Griffin Dunne’s never been in my life, more than he has in the past couple of months. Josh and I both watched “After Hours” for the first time and that was something else, but let’s move forward. In this Griffin Dunne movie, he has Catherine O’Hara’s headshot framed on his desk and he is talking on the phone to one of the dock workers about picking up this important cat.
Cut to Catherine O’Hara walking glamorously with an entourage. She’s all rich and talks like Lovey Howell, and is planning a wedding. Griffin Dunne tells dock guy to keep the animal (“an exotic cat”) in a cage and gets off the phone.
Catherine O’Hara tells someone that she and Griffin Dunne are postponing the honeymoon for a few years. They have plenty of time to connect, but in the meantime, Griffin Dunne has a lot of important work to do for her daddy. Creepy.
A UPS guy wanders in from the set of a neighboring porno.
Cut to Madonna in her prison cell. She has Crystal Barbie dresses hanging all over her wall, in addition to posters of Elvis and Marlon Brando that she kisses while a correctional officer looks on grumpily.
Cut to a rich white dude at a desk, that I’m guessing is Daddy. He carries on a vague conversation about important intrigue. Catherine O’Hara comes in to ask him to choose a champagne flute, and jumps up and down with glee when he picks the one she wanted in the first place.
Here we get the requisite pre-nup scene, and there are 27 people in the room for some reason, like instead of these guys working in an office with individual spaces, they all travel around in a pack throughout this house to do their work.
25 of the people leave so daddy can talk to Griffin Dunne. Griffin Dunne says he wants to make Catherine O’Hara happy. Daddy only cares that he signs the prenup and follows his orders. Daddy says “Nikki Finn” (Madonna) is coming out of jail and Griffin Dunne needs to make sure she gets on a bus. Daddy does fencing poses as he talks. Josh points out that Griffin Dunne has a fencing trophy on desk at work. Daddy says that Griffin Dunne has tremendous potential to be partner and acts ominous, leaving his sword placed on Griffin Dunne’s head as he speaks.
Madonna heads out of jail and all the other prisoners are so sad to see her go yet happy for her, and Madonna passes her cig stash to “Judy.”
Griffin Dunne arrives at the dock to pick up the “cat,” which is actually a tiger. Griffin Dunne looks scared, but signs for it.
Madonna gets her stuff back, lots of leather and her lipstick: “fire engine red.” She applies it with great sass, as she says you can’t find this color anymore. Possibly because it is four years old. That’s kinda nasty. Two men watch Madonna with concern. One asks, “Do you think she even knows we’re here?”
Griffin Dunne leaves the tiger in his car (which is actually not his car; Daddy gave it to him to use), while he goes to pick up Madonna.
The same correctional officer from before gives Madonna attitude and when Madonna finds out she’s free, she punches the officer in the mouth. Officer flips out and screams “Put her back in here” and the other officer goes “You WANT her back in?” and Original Officer goes, “Hell no.” Madonna says “Be nice” and sounds like Drusilla. Josh: “She was working on her British accent, even then.”
Madonna skips out to freedom. Griffin Dunne introduces himself a la Nolan in “Revenge,” saying he’s with a group that provides rides to freed prisoners. Madonna gets in Griffin Dunne’s car and starts driving. Griffin Dunne jumps in and they drive away. The two guys from before (who are plain-clothes officers, to be clear) get into a red car and follow them.
Madonna drives like a jackass and and says the tiger should be named Murray. They almost hit a billion trucks and cars. “Hey! The Mall! HAHAH!” she goes and drives over a curb and WHY IS SHE DRIVING LIKE THIS; she’s been in jail for four years, not her entire life. She is not Elle from “Heroes.” Madonna parks and says not to be mad, she just went crazy being stuck inside for so long and begs him to go into the mall. Griffin Dunne gives annoyed-yet-enamored eyes while asking “Who ARE you,” and they go into the mall while the two cops watch. One is older and stodgier; the younger one wears no tie with his jacket, has feathery hair, and is much more lighthearted and all “Aw, you fogey, come on and loosen up!”
Griffin Dunne tries to get Madonna to leave leave a record store while she steals a bunch of cassette tapes. Madonna says she has to make a little detour to Harlem to get a gun. Griffin Dunne is all, “Absolutely not!” Madonna has trouble saying her lines, walking, and putting tapes into her jacket all at the same time. She then puts one tape into a random guy’s jacket so the alarm goes off when he leaves, at which point the guard GRABS him and Madonna saunters out while the alarm is still going off.
Back to the car that I will just call the Rolls, since that is what they call it. Madonna says she’s gonna get on the bus and go back to Philly, per Griffin Dunne’s suggestion, and fix her life, make something of herself. Griffin Dunne says he’ll drive her as she walks away but she says no, he’s done enough. Griffin Dunne tries to coax her. She asks can I drive; he says no; she pouts; he relents, and she laughs, then skips over to driver’s door.
Him: “No tricks.”
Her: “No tricks. I promise.”
Griffin Dunne gets in. She starts the car and goes, “Guess what? TRIIICCCCKKKKSSSS” in this terrible/awesome way that I can’t even express in words. Then she smashes into a car she’s parked near, yells sorry, and drives away.
The two cops try to follow her and smash into a different parked car. The older guy is upset because, “They’re getting awayyyy.”
All of Madonna’s stolen tapes fall out of her jacket and Griffin Dunne gets surprised and indignant for some reason because he is Guy Pearce in “Memento” and apparently forgets who Madonna is from one second to the next, despite her Gift-of-Fearing him all over the place. So Madonna goes, “I didn’t hold it up; I just boosted a few tapes; there’s a bit of a difference,” and she keeps pouting and it is VERY VERY annoying, but I wonder how much of said annoyance is on me. Like there was this one rehearsal for this (awesome) play I was in, Cut Me Down, and there was this line where I had to say, “You boys better not try any funny business.” We were running through that scene; I delivered that line, and the writer/director who was also my friend paused and went, “Um. That delivery was a bit…Shirley Temple?” And he was trying to be diplomatic, but it was hilarious, because it was true. This scene in “Who’s That Girl,” Madonna is like one big Shirley-Temple-Catastrophe/Humbling Moment of LOLs.
Also from my notes for this scene: “If these two have sex I am going to vomit for 12 days.”
Madonna-actress drives and slams around again, some more, and almost hits a train while Madonna-singer is on the soundtrack and Madonna-actress jams out to herself.
The two cops are halted by the train. Madonna opens her mouth wide because she is a Free Spirit and she drives alongside the train and then in front of the train and the cops are coming to pull her over.
Griffin Dunne is just SO FLUSTERED that he falls out of the car. Madonna tells the “Chips” cop (on a motorcycle, not to be confused with the two plain-clothes cops) that her husband is having a heart attack. The cop keeps his gun trained on them but is powerless to Madonna’s…charm? And then Griffin Dunne GRABS the cop and goes, “Help me,” and it’s like “Griffin Dunne, heal thyself.”
Cut to the hospital, where they have taken Griffin Dunne. Tony Soprano’s mom is the nurse. They all run and try to help Griffin Dunne and give him a shot of something or another that makes him pass out.
Terrifying closeup of a different nurse, upon Griffin Dunne’s physical, if not mental, awakening. Nurse says that his wife took everything home, but will be back later with his pajamas. Griffin Dunne freaks out that Madonna has Murray (the tiger) and tries to leave the hospital. He’s going to Harlem! He tries to get out and falls down some more and runs out in his hospital robe whilst resembling Rick Moranis. He calls for a taxi but, wackiness! There is a taxi right there. Griffin Dunne gets in and tells the cab driver to step on it. I feel like if I were a cab driver, having someone tell me to “Step on it!” would be like the waitress version of…something that I can’t think of off the top of my head. But basically, I don’t know that I’d feel the urgency if someone said “Step on it,” with nary a please.
Cab driver: “I’m not supposed to pick up anyone not wearing any clothes,” in a shoutout to my seeing a friend that a cab driver once refused because he was drunk and had blood all over his head. As you do.
A guy with majorly spiked hair shows Madonna various guns.
The cab driver says that Griffin Dunne doesn’t seem like Catherine O’Hara’s type, and then says that he (cab driver) “had her in (his) cab.” Implying that he had sex with her. And Griffin Dunne is all
When Griffin Dunne gets back to his Rolls, people are spray painting graffiti on it and taking stuff from the trunk. Murray is gone! The car phone rings; it’s Daddy, out to eat with Catherine O’Hara and someone else (Mommy?). Griffin Dunne says they missed the bus. Daddy stresses that Madonna needs to be far away from Griffin Dunne and Catherine O’Hara’s wedding that weekend. I’d like to be far away from that wedding, myself.
Meanwhile, the Rolls’s hood gets stolen, and its headlights smashed.
Catherine O’Hara gets on the phone and acts WASPy. A homeless man asks Griffin Dunne for change. Griffin Dunne gets his clothes and shoes out of the trunk and goes upstairs to find Madonna, who is trying to buy pink sunglasses from her gun dealer, who starts shooting when Griffin Dunne comes in. Madonna hits him in the chin with the butt of his gun, and Griffin Dunne asks Madonna if she’s the antichrist. They run up to the roof and the gun dealer chases them. Madonna jumps to the next roof, but Griffin Dunne is all, “I can’t do that” and Madonna is all, “I did it; you can do it.” And then – then – Griffin Dunne says:
“You’re a criminal! I’m a tax attorney!”
And then he says, “Somebody will call the cops.” Madonna goes, “They are the coppppppps,” like MADONNA PLZ JUST SAY ONE LINE IN A NORMAL MANNER THANKS.
Cut to Griffin Dunne and Madonna hiding somewhere. He goes through his appointment book, lest we forget that he is the Greg to Madonna’s Dharma, and Madonna is out of nowhere giving him loving eyes and the lens gets softer on her and Griffin Dunne mentions getting the ring for Catherine O’Hara and suddenly this MEANINGFUL LOVE MUSIC comes on and I am really really nervous about what is to come.
Ugh, as Griffin Dunne calls Madonna a force of nature.
Then Madonna triggers the sprinkler system to distract everyone and so they can make their escape. I guess that was symbolic imagery since she is a force of nature. So she and Griffin Dunne hang out in some kind of rubble as we get backstory where Madonna says she is a thief but not a “moiderer” and says she was framed ‘cause she used to run around with a guy named Johnny who got the goods on someone and long story short, that was Johnny’s body in the trunk of her car. And it is all the fault of someone named Raul.
Madonna begs Griffin Dunne to help her find this Raul who killed Johnny and clear her name, and Griffin Dunne relents, so Madonna is happy.
“We’re a team, (Griffin Dunne)! Lean mean fightin’ machine of a team!” and if the line isn’t annoying enough, Madonna’s choice to deliver it like Phoebe’s friend who sold out for jingle writing, seals the deal.
Here we get Griffin Dunne’s Character Development, as he talks about his love of fencing and being great at it, but his father didn’t approve, and Madonna thinks he means fencing like stolen goods, which was vaguely funny.
Oh God. The love music is back. Madonna says that Griffin Dunne has nice hands and keeps touching his arm, then rubbing his shoulders till he says that he’ll help her, at which point she goes “Haha goody!” and whistles for Murray, who joins them but unfortunately, does not eat them.
New scene with the two plain-clothes cops, whom I shall now refer to as the PCPs in honor of Principal Snyder. Older PCP looks at younger PCP like he’s crazy because his lunch is so fancy.
Madonna eats 700 chicken McNuggets and gives one to Murray.
Madonna gets in a car and holds a gun to two guys in the backseat, one of whom is Raul. Griffin Dunne shows up and she tells him to get in and drive. Oh, these are the bad guys from the opening cartoon – thanks Josh!
So Madonna is demanding that Raul give her the number of Johnny’s safety deposit box. Raul says it doesn’t matter; no one has the key anyway and Madonna says she has the key, oh snap! Griffin Dunne drives the car halfway off the edge of…something. A parking garage? Hard to say, but it’s high up in the air. It kind of looks like that place where John Lithgow took that poor lady in “Dexter.” Anyway, way to be unnecessarily dangerous Griffin Dunne, as there really was no need for such grandstanding. Or parking, as it were.
Madonna and the two guys get out. Griffin Dunne tries but falls out, and swings from the car door. The PCPs watch from below. Younger PCP goes: “Man I’d hate to be way up there like that, hanging on a car door.” Which made me legit LOL.
Cut to Madonna with Raul and the Other Guy. Griffin Dunne gets back somehow, like we do not see Griffin Dunne escape from terrifying odds this time, nor did we see him jump from roof to roof before, and when we do the remake, I would like fewer scenes of Forced Love, and more scenes of Griffin Dunne: Action Hero! Anyway, Griffin Dunne starts fencing not so much with, but at Raul, including on top of the car.
Now Raul is hanging from the car and Griffin Dunne is all, “Give me the number of the box!” And Raul starts to, but Madonna needs Griffin Dunne’s help! Because Madonna is a lot of work. So Griffin Dunne goes and saves her from Other Guy, because for some reason, this big burly dude can’t hold Madonna in a car; she just like stands up, and Griffin Dunne pulls her up out of the sunroof and Other Guy is like “Wow, that girl is a force of nature!” He doesn’t say it, but you know he is thinking it.
And Raul, along with the car, fall off the building into the water.
Madonna/Griffin Dunne in the Rolls. Madonna asks why they can’t go to the bank first. Griffin Dunne responds: “We did one of your things already. We murdered the pimp and the fat man (I don’t know when that second part happened); now it’s time to do one of my things.” Which was pretty funny.
Griffin Dunne says he’s not letting Madonna out of his sight, and Madonna looks high as a kite. [/UNINTENTIONAL RHYME]
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY CAN YOU PLZ STOP SKIPPING, MADONNA >:o
Though the thousandth time of her skipping helped me finally figure out exactly why Madonna is driving me so crazy in this movie, though she does, to be fair, grow in me in a weird way throughout its course. But it is because she reminds me of everything I do not like about Carrie Bradshaw. Now mind you, I am a hater of neither Madonna nor Carrie. But there is a certain synergy of cutesy going on here, that is messing with my brain waves.
Anyhoo, we are transitioning from Madonna-as-grating-psycopath to Madonna-as-misunderstood-girl-who-just-can’t-catch-a-break, as we go to the jewelry store and see the clerks Pretty Woman Madonna, while Griffin Dunne shops for a ring for Catherine O’Hara.
Couple of dudes hotwire the parked Rolls.
Madonna steals some stuff from the jewelry store because “force of nature” translates to “klepto,” and then she picks out a collar for Murray. Then the clerk takes her key for some reason because it’s on the counter and Madonna starts freaking out, saying “Gimme my key!” and it flips into a box and then someone starts taking the box and Porno UPS Guy packs it into a UPS truck. Some guy grabs Madonna and spins her around so everyone can see her ass and the clerk gets a case of the vapors.
We must follow the key! So Madonna steals a guy’s cab by screaming in his face.
But oh-ho, what is this? Raul and Other Guy are alive after all, as they give chase to the limo that they not only managed to get out of the water, but get to this exact place at this exact time and were just so lucky to catch Madonna in between theft and romantic talks with Griffin Dunne.
Oh, the jewelry store was Cartier. Tiffany, Cartier, same diff, I don’t know. Anyhoo, Madonna stole a cigarette case and launches into her theory about how they want you to steal the stuff they keep in the front; that way nobody goes for the diamonds in the back. Because she uses the term “loss leader,” Griffin Dunne looks grossly intrigued.
Catherine O’Hara gives a massage to half-naked Porno UPS Guy, while other women gaze at him and it’s really weird. Griffin Dunne shows up and Catherine O’Hara is all, “This is my bed and kitchen party; you’re not supposed to be here.” Don’t even get me started on the concept that just because one is getting married, that one is entitled to get all touchy with naked people behind their fiancé(e)’s back, because there is NO TIME, as Madonna skips (natch) in, talking with a Southern accent, saying that she is Griffin Dunne’s cousin. The women are all horrified because though they are not above creepy orgies with Porno UPS Guy who is apparently like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen in “Son In Law,” where he lives and works in town, but is also sometimes a stripper, these women are all aghast at the sight of a Woman Who Just Doesn’t Give A Damn.
Griffin Dunne is on the phone to report a missing cat, and tells Catherine O’Hara that the Rolls is stolen. Porno UPS Guy acts like a himbo and I actually LOL.
Madonna opens Catherine O’Hara’s gifts and chats up the girls, who do nothing to stop her. Then when she finds her key (that was in one of the presents), she yells to Griffin Dunne that they need to go and they escape via fire escape.
Griffin Dunne chases the Rolls because it has Murray in it, but Madonna just whistles and Murray comes to them.
Madonna says “not fair!” and slams a car door, for some reason that I honestly do not care about.
Now Griffin Dunne and Madonna and the bus station is closed even though it’s daylight and it’s NYC? Is this true? It doesn’t seem right.
OH SNAP! Griffin Dunne says he knows Madonna’s lying about…something…and goes “Your lips are moving.” They proceed to have a Sam and Diane argument only sans charm because Madonna is basically Charlize Theron in “Arrested Development,” sans charm.
Madonna starts yelling at Griffin Dunne for answering the car phone when Daddy calls. Daddy is fencing in his office with a partner, as you do. Madonna mocks him, shoots her gun in the air, and they drive away.
Requisite ‘80s scene of scary white people sitting at a long table, with Griffin Dunne at the end looking uncomfortable. He’s trying to get someone into a cooperative? Madonna? But she is late for the meeting? I feel like I missed a scene, but I didn’t.
Okay, I guess he is trying to get Madonna into an apartment, but she is late for her meeting with this angry lady in a beige suit but in the meantime, where did Madonna go in the first place, that she is away from Griffin Dunne?
Madonna’s in front of this cooperative with Murray and gives Griffin Dunne ‘tude, but then changes clothes, wearing Murray’s collar and Griffin Dunne’s blazer, and into a skirt instead of butt-cheek-showing tutu, in order to appear respectable. Madonna says that Griffin Dunne is “both of Daddy’s hands,” then tells a knock-knock joke, and Griffin Dunne hits her in the arm.
Just when you’re thinking that maybe the universe will swallow this annoying group of people up all in one fell swoop, poor innocent Murray walks in, so of course the scary white people scream, while Madonna pets him. Murray swipes at Griffin Dunne, and this scene is actually kind of funny in that ‘80s way.
“It’s the pimp and the fat man! I thought i killed ‘em!” says Griffin Dunne, when he sees them holding Catherine O’Hara and the rest of the ladies hostage. Josh points out that even though Other Guy couldn’t hold Madonna in a limo, he is now harnessing six women. Madonna is just THAT sassy.
“Madonna’s acting like the female Pee-wee Herman in this movie” – Josh
Madonna stomps up to Raul, now wearing no blazer and sporting a shiny black corsety patent leathery top that is pretty cool – I will admit that I do love Madonna’s clothes in this movie! – and she demands that he LET CATHERINE O’HARA GO. Catherine O’Hara goes, “You’re not from Atlanta!” because that’s where Madonna said she was from when she was Griffin Dunne’s cousin, and Madonna gets all worldly and wise when she replies, “No, I’m not,” but then when Catherine O’Hara asks who she is, Madonna replies wearily: “Don’t worry, I’m nobody.” Because she’s all butthurt that the man she lied to, held hostage while she drove insanely, got mixed up with murderous criminals, and worst of all screamed TRIIIICCCCCKKKKKSSS in his face, still wants to marry his fiancée and not her.
Raul now has Madonna somehow and Josh says it’s like every ‘80s music video on one street. “There’s lawyers; there’s a wedding party, a guy with a switchblade…a megaphone…a delivery driver, someone tied up, and oh yeah! There’s a tiger.”
Everyone screams, because there IS a tiger! Murray’s come to save the day. He roars at everyone and Madonna does a devil-may-care laugh and she doesn’t skip away, but she does run in a twisty manner, while Murray follows her.
Griffin Dunne arrives home. Catherine O’Hara is still tied up but only wants to talk about the wedding!
A Madonna ballad plays in the background that is neither “Crazy for You” nor “Live to Tell,” so I can’t tell you the name of it, but it is about “the look of love.” While the song plays, Griffin Dunne wanders around NYC talking to himself.
He arrives somewhere and a mustached man smokes a cigar and takes him on a tour around the house. Oh okay, Mustached Man is the guy who bought the “cat.” Griffin Dunne starts to tell the man about Murray, then see that Murray’s already there, and you know for sure that it’s Murray, because he’s wearing the collar! MM says that Griffin Dunne’s fiancée dropped him off. Griffin Dunne’s all, “Fiancee?” and we cut to –
– Madonna’s feet, all fancy in white shoes and as the camera pans up, we see that she is clad all in white, because she may be a Bad Girl, but she is still luminous and Just A Girl At Heart Sometimes. Her hair is done, and she holds a bottle of champagne, while walking in front of a fireplace. She and Griffin Dunne give each other sex eyes.
Madonna has stopped skipping, now that she is an 11th-hour lady, and is instead now moving extra slow and making the cover pose of her “True Blue” album, only for the entire scene, not just one shot. They toast to…I’m not sure what, exactly, but they toast with champagne and I’m getting really scared about the presence of Mustached Man in this sex scene, especially when he says he’s going upstairs and would anyone like to join him and Madonna goes, “You better believe it.”
Madonna sees a rain forest in MM’s backyard, whistles, and goes, “Gee whiz.” Oh, it’s a rooftop greenhouse, to go with his exotic creatures. A monkey lands on Madonna’s shoulder and she goes “He likes me,” and I’m surprised one of her songs doesn’t start playing.
The exotic animals play, and it’s pretty cool. But tame or not, wouldn’t tigers attack the other animals?
Okay…well, there is a random woman in the bushes dressed in skimpy jungle regalia, and she whisks MM off to bed. Wtf.
Madonna runs away and then, uh, comes back? Smiling really weirdly, and talking about how it’s been a long time since she’s had sex – four years. So they kiss.
Cut to Griffin Dunne and Madonna going to get their security box. Madonna smokes a cigarette and keeps talking and talking. But she is quieted when they get to the box and Griffin Dunne says he’s going to marry Catherine O’Hara as scheduled, because he is a douche. The music is very sad and so is Madonna.
The bridal party is tied up in the car and Raul is driving.
Griffin Dunne drops Madonna off at the bus. They act sad, and she gets on the bus for Philly.
We now arrive at the sacred wedding day of Griffin Dunne and Catherine O’Hara. A dude is smoking a cigarette right next to the wedding cake. Murray and his lion girlfriend that he met on the roof are in bows on the band stage.
Griffin Dunne brings the Rolls there, and Mommy freaks out over her car.
Catherine O’Hara stands on top of the staircase and asks Griffin Dunne where he has “bean.” He says he was at his bachelor party.
Bus. Madonna smokes a cigarette and cries. She watches a couple kiss and looks sad. But what is this! Upon opening the envelope from the security box, she sees pics of Daddy with Raul, then a pic of Daddy with Catherine O’Hara, and in a really weird overdub a la Anna Faris’s “Oliverrr” in “House Bunny,” Madonna goes, “(Catherine O’Hara).” So she gets the bus driver to make a u-turn, and everyone following them makes u-turns, as well. Not to be confused with U-Turn from “Weeds,” who’d be a sight for sore eyes at this point.
The wedding itself! Daddy gives away Catherine O’Hara.
The “Chips” cops are back in a scene that is the dialogue part of softcore. They lament over not meeting women when the screaming kidnapped bridal party whizzes by. Obvi, the cops give chase, yet somehow manage to all fall over on their motorcycles whilst following them, and have to hail a cab. Meanwhile, we see UPS Porno Guy driving a truck.
Wedding. Griffin Dunne wears a top hat and round glasses, and looks like the Penguin, but not in a bad way.
Bus. Apparently, Madonna told them all that she forgot it was her wedding day.
Front gate of Catherine O’Hara’s house. Madonna tries to get in by talking to the gate, then climbs over the brick wall to get in. I was legitimately surprised that there were no Dobermans rushing at her, only to be soothed by her Snow White ways.
Screaming bridal party in the limo. They get out at the front gate and try to get in. The PCPs show up; one flashes a badge, and they say they’re the bridesmaids!
A butler lets Madonna into the house.
Same butler lets Raul and Other Guy into the house.
Raul wants his stuff back! Madonna mocks them, then starts to beat them up…?
Wedding. The priest quotes Burt Bacharach.
An elderly neighbor goes to let the bridesmaids in and says that he too, had Catherine O’Hara in his cab.
Raul and Other Guy talk about doing it to Madonna like they did to her boyfriend. Erm.
Murray and his girlfriend show up to save Madonna!
The PCPs come too, saying everyone is under arrest! Madonna laughs and walks away while they arrest Raul and Other Guy.
Another car smashes into some wedding vehicle and it explodes because it is the ‘80s.
Madonna shows up on the balcony overlooking the wedding just when the priest says, “If anyone has reason why these two…” and Madonna says that yes, she has a reason they should not be married – the bride’s father is an embezzler! Griffin Dunne gives his “Who IS this (that?) girl” face, while the guests gasp.
OT: I like Madonna’s monkey purse. It’s actually a nice callback to her mutual love relationship with animals throughout the movie.
So that is ONE reason they shouldn’t be married. The second is that “the groom is in love with (Madonna).” The crowd gasps, “No.” Catherine O’Hara says to Griffin Dunne, “Tell me it’s not true,” but not in a hurt-sounding way, and Griffin Dunne goes, “I can’t,” while he and Madonna grin at each other goofily. Daddy says, “(Madonna)’s crazy! Look how she’s dressed!” and Madonna Preens. Catherine O’Hara calls out for Porno UPS guy.
Daddy says that Madonna can’t prove a word. Older PCP is like, yes she can.
Then Daddy draws a sword! Because the most surefire way to defend your innocence is to attack your wedding guests with a sword! The PCPs draw their guns. Daddy knocks the guns into the wedding cake! So Griffin Dunne picks up a sword. He and Daddy fence. The bridesmaids hilariously gasp, “Violence!” in unison, then run away.
UPS Porno Guy says he will take care of Catherine O’Hara, because he’s very muscular.
Madonna tells Griffin Dunne to hurry up; she’s bored and wants to go to Philly.
In the weirdest scene ever to grace the silver screen, the “Chips” Cops go up to the bridesmaids who are still tied up and one cop asks them if they’re together and the bridesmaids get collective PSYCHO face and go “Yeahhhhh!”
Amidst the chaos, the people from the bus, including the drivers, are eating all of the wedding food.
Madonna dances with the band.
Griffin Dunne steps on Daddy’s nuts!
Madonna gives “HA!” number 1, 467 of the movie when Daddy loses, then feeds Griffin Dunne cake.
PCP car. Daddy and Raul are in the backseat, arrested, when the PCPs start making out passionately. Meanwhile, Other Guy is strapped to the roof of the car and between that, the wayward bus, and the essential home invasion orchestrated by Madonna not to mention two rogue lions roaming around, nor that one guy she framed in the record store, I kind of would really like to watch “Who’s That Girl 2: The Lawsuits.”
Now we are on a different bus, or maybe the same one as before because, why not? Madonna and Griffin Dunne are riding together a la “The Graduate,” only with remaining hope (for some reason). Griffin Dunne tells Madonna a knock-knock joke and says, “I love you, (Madonna),” and it is pretty gross, yet he starts to do another one and Madonna tell him to “shut up and kiss me,” so he does, and “Who’s That Girl” the song starts to play as the bus drives away and the lions run behind it.
~ THE END ~
Plus CREDITS! Starting with Madonna making a terrifying face in freeze frame and it’s like the end of “Funny Games!”