So the other day I was bumming around, and I needed something to cleanse the putrid aura of “The Last Kiss” from my system, and all that was available was “90210.” And I was very happy that although it was from a wretched post-Brenda year, it was not the wretchedest of the wretchedest.
But I realized, how would a less-seasoned “90210″ watcher know whether or not it’s worth his or her time to kick back with some SOAPnet? Maybe you are wondering whether to go with “90210″ (that rhymes!), or whether to watch…well, I don’t know what else is on at 3/4 pm EST. Golf?
Anyway, so I decided to spend my day philanthropically, and worked out a points system, on how to figure out the worth of an episode of “90210.” I’d love to present to you one of those webby “Stop here, go here” charts, but let’s be honest, I just learned how to do strikethrough; I don’t fancy myself a webmaster just yet.
So with no further ado, I present to you (also a rhyme!)…
“90210-YAY” or “90210-NO”?
Brenda is on the show +500
It is the first season -100
Kelly has long hair +400
It’s a weird, existing outside the time-space continuum Summer Episode +200
It’s a Summer Episode with Superman in France +75
Donna has fake boobs -440
Everyone’s hair is platinum and/or plastered to her head -57
Valerie is on the show +100
Even Valerie has jumped ship, and the vixen burden falls on an unprepared Vanessa Marcil -600
Ray singing -200
Short-haired Val +170
Donna’s having sex -340
Kelly’s sainthood’s kicked in -800
Brandon teaches black people not to judge him, because he scrunches up his face and says “Man” a lot -62
Andrea looks like maybe she still might get carded at a really really strict club +41 (no pun intended)
You think that maybe Steve and Kelly will get back together and leave everyone else alone +95
Donna wears something fluffy -12
Brenda looks ghostly and extra crooked, because Shannen Doherty refused to let anyone do her hair or makeup +739, because those eps are awesome
KEG House is involved in anything, in any way -67
Except the John Sears episodes +48
ALPHA House is involved in anything, in any way -240
Except for the Brooke Theiss episodes -35 extra for her transformation from my adolescent girl crush/hair idol into a weird shiny chick with no discernible face
I realize these reasons may seem hard to remember, but if that is the case, you can feel free to print yourself out a copy of this and keep it next to your television, or better yet if you are someone lucky enough to have a whimsical remote control caddy, then you can keep it there!
But if that is still not feasible, I will give you the CliffsNotes (<— new spelling, true story): three failsafe criteria, in case you simply don’t have time to speculate as to whether or not Valerie is more hot (+30) or more orangey (-5, ’cause it’s still Valerie, and she’s awesome). If that is the case, you can go by these simple rules:
- If it is the “Slumber Party” episode
- If it is about the Kelly/Dylan/Brenda love triangle
- If it is the prom episode
- If Jim and Cindy are in Hong Kong
- If anyone is buying, or considering buying the Peach Pit After Dark
- If Dylan is traveling through time to the Wild West with his psychic. Trust me. It sounds awesome, but it is NOT AT ALL AWESOME.