Vanderpump Rules: S4, Ep3: Pretty Little Lies

Lisa, Katie, Scheana, and Kristina shop at Ixia. Lisa laments being too old for a certain dress even though she always looks stunning, tells Scheana in a polka-dotted red dress that she looks like Minnie Mouse, and then scolds Scheana and Katie for being Mean Girls to Lala. So they tattle to Lisa that Lala’s not really going to Italy for a modeling job and Lisa is like, well you still need to act better.


SUR. Ariana, Sandoval, Jax, and someone named Anthony are butthurt that they have to learn Pump drink recipes from Eric. Jax is flat-out insubordinate, so Ken awesomely gets in his face, and Lisa VOs about Ken’s being a bigger cock than Jax. Eric mentions that Jennifer Lawrence loves the Pumptini, which sounds delicious: muddled raspberry, lime juice, simple syrup, and vodka.



Lisa confronts Lala about her Italy modeling job lie and Lala is contrite, but adds that she didn’t go to Italy anyway, because she had a breakdown and needed her mama since people at SUR are being mean to her. Aw. Lisa confessionals that when the SURvers pack up, it has the opposite of the intended effect, as it makes Lisa support the underdog.

Katie finds Scheana crying in the bathroom ☹ I knew about this from the previews but it still breaks my heart to see Scheana suffering alone in her marriage. I truly hope they can work things out.

Commercials and omg, “The Night Before Vanderpump Rules” looks glorious on all sorts of levels!


Apparently, Lisa has a swan who’s not feeling well. I love her love for animals, and hope Hankie is feeling better!


SURver/hostess meeting. The old-school servers aren’t happy that Richardson from Villa Blanca is there to give them a “You’re supposed to be friendly when you wait tables” pep talk. Richardson offers to make Katie’s babies. God bless restaurants.

Schwartz shows up to a store named Rubber Ducky for a modeling shoot with two women as that not-Taylor-Swift’s-“You Belong With Me” Vanderpump background music plays and Schwartz confessionals that modeling is the best job because he works with beautiful women. But then he basically is like, “Though I luv Katie 4eva,” and proceeds to use the word “clutch” as an adjective, then wildly mix metaphors to an impressive degree.


James and Kristen sit next to a pool. He goes from assuring Kristen her he loves her and only has sex with her, to telling the camera that he had great sex with Jenna, but loves Kristen, and in the spirit of this show, I literally can’t even, so let’s move on…

…to Lisa talking further to Scheana and Katie about expecting better from them than the Regina George/Gretchen Weiner act. She’s caught off guard when she realizes that Scheana’s personal issues go way beyond normal Vanderpump drama. Scheana does say she’ll apologize and make it right, which is something I truly admire about Scheana – she’s a confident diva, but totally humble when the occasion calls for it

Tom & Ariana’s apartment. A two-second nod is given to Sandoval’s music until once again, the Kristen/Jax Couch of Foot Sex comes into play, this time as they bring it downstairs to give to Faith. They carry the couch while she sits on it which is actually kind of impressive, then urge her to steam clean it, ‘cause, “dried semen.”


Unfortunately(?), no one yelled, “PIVOT!”

Lala joins Jax in the back alley and compares SUR’s lady politics to dodgeball. Jax calls the girls bullies and says they run people off. Lala confessionals that she’s a girls’ girl and would rather hang out with them, but the girls are giving her no choice but to befriend the dudes. Jax does that thing where he acts all cagey about the girl he’s currently banging to the girl he wants to bang in the future. Lala says she’s been single for three years and is hung up on her ex.

Scheana & Shay’s place. Aw, cute kitties on the bed. Ariana shows up and Scheana spills her heart, saying that she and Shay have issues and she’s become jaded to the idea of marriage. She breaks down, and clearly feels helpless and scared that she can’t make Shay happy, who is instead self medicating, turning to drinking and away from Scheana.

Ariana confessionals that she hasn’t heard all of this, because she hasn’t seen as much Scheana lately, due to drawing boundaries over the Kristen issue. It worries her that Scheana puts on a happy face when she’s not, but Scheana cries that she doesn’t want to burden others, and that she’s so lonely in her place, surrounded by all her wedding pictures, even if she does have a super-pretty pink headboard. The last part is my own editorial; I’m enamored with it:


But I feel incredibly bad for Scheana, and just want to scoop her up and take her out for ice cream. Or Fireball. Or both! She awesomely pulls off her fake eyelashes in a very humanizing bit of offhand frustration, while questioning whether she jumped into things, and what she should do now. God, I feel so much empathy for her here! This isn’t the most snarkworthy episode ever, that’s for sure.

SUR. Lisa innocently asks James how he is, so he lets her know that he and Kristen are in a “bad patch,” which I’m just going to go ahead and assume is a euphemism. She’s basically like “Will you break up with her already,” and seriously. I don’t blame James for being upset after experiencing/watching the Sandoval Obsession, but cut it off, don’t cheat and then keep Kristen around. It’s not just mean; it’s unsanitary.

Schwartz and Scheana go to a jewelry designer for Katie’s engagement ring! Yay! Scheana shows the designer Katie’s demands for the ring, and I don’t understand half this list!


The designer serves champagne, which IMO is a good idea when people are deciding how much money to spend on something. The designer says that they could do what Katie wants for around $7,000. On the one hand, I’d never want someone to spend that much on me for a ring. On the other, Katie does and considering that Schwartz is on television and also a model, I’m guessing he could probably work it out. Sandoval makes awesome “Better you than me, man” face.


Oh and Scheana said she’s seen Schwartz in a Modelo commercial “like 17 times” this past week, and he can swing it! Wow that’s awesome, go Schwartz! And can I just hand it to Scheana again – this is obviously hard for her, but Schwartz would never know; she’s 100% there with enthusiasm for him and by extension, Katie.

Schwartz chugs his champagne in real time and confessionals that he’s ready. Awesome. I dig Schwartz and Katie and think those two crazy kids can make it work! Scheana discusses needing to update her wedding bands, which transitions to the Toms asking after Shay. Scheana admits to crying hysterically and isn’t as vulnerable as she was with Ariana earlier, but she’s also not pretending. She does change the subject though, clearly in order to keep things upbeat and about Schwartz and Katie. They cheers to its being “about bleeping time.”

SUR bar. Jax pulls a cork out of a bottle with his teeth. Scheana needs a Pump ‘n Glory, which Scheana accuses Jax of not knowing how to make. Jax is like Nuh-uh, then lists the ingredients and that drink sounds incredible TOO!

The beginnings of James & Lala, as James gives her a random hug and asks if she likes “fucking people’s boyfriends.” I mean, I guess as far as pickup lines go, it’s not the worst one I’ve heard on this show…James says he doesn’t cheat on his girlfriend (except for that one time), but he’ll be her friend, and not to sweat the girl drama. Lala confessionals that James isn’t her type, but there’s something about him — maybe the accent.

Scheana is waitressing, but then sits down to talk to Lisa after closing out her last table. Peter brings Lisa tea, and that is all we see of Peter this evening :( Scheana lays it all out for Lisa, that problems started around Christmas – Shay’s drinking increased, and way worse, he’s mixing pills with alcohol. She says at the peak of it all, he was taking five Vicodins a day and still drinking, and Lisa looks understandably troubled. Scheana says she feels like she’s been cheated on, because it’s this whole other secret part of his life that he hid from her. “I just never saw myself here,” she says in conclusion and her disappointment is so palpable and I start to cry for her; only on a shallow note, I wish that when I cried I looked half as put together and non-blotchy as Scheana!


They flash back to Scheana and Shay at the wedding episode that I just rewatched whilst laid up with my sprained ankle, and it’s so sad. Scheana confessionals that she doesn’t know if they can get through this. I hope you can, guys <3


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In His Space, With His Things

It’s been nearly 24 years since we said goodbye to my Pop-Pop.

“He really was my hero,” my Nanny sobbed, as we rested next to his place of rest.

23 years later, we laid her next to him.

One year later, I’m still not handling it well, at all.

I guess that’s how it goes.

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Avocado-Slicing Wisdom, At 40

At 29, I got sort-of stood up; a guy I was talking to on (AGE ALERT!) Myspace and AIM wasn’t feeling well on the night we were supposed to go to dinner.

When we eventually did go out, it was after a frantic day of shopping at…God, I don’t even know. Some Long Island superstore before Walmarts and Targets were ubiquitious, and that wasn’t National Wholesale Liquidators or Caldor.

Despite my best efforts, it was clear he wasn’t attracted to me. And that is fine. I was way overweight, then. Youngish and pretty in the face and hair? Sure! Proportionate, and attractive to some? Yeah!

But not to this guy. And I got upset about it, which was so…not his problem. And is such a distancing spot in my life’s rearview mirror (no offense to him at all!).

If I could go back in time to tell myself one thing and if I could share one piece of advice with in-real-time young ladies, it would be that the person you want to be attracted to you, won’t be, every time. And that’s okay. If you feel bad (like I did) because you know you could change your body, do it! Or not. It’s okay either way <3

Better yet, do what I did after that date: Slice some avocadoes; whip up some nachos, and binge-watch awesome television, for as long as it takes to remind yourself that it’s really all right to be alone, for now or otherwise.

In 2005, that meant “That 70s Show” and “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” TV on DVD was scarce; I couldn’t even get a phone signal in my basement apartment, and it just wasn’t our brave new world, so Nick at Nite it was!

I eventually shed most of the aforementioned pounds. And despite how it looked like it was going to go for quite awhile there, my romantic existence has been way less catastrophic in my 30s and (Oo boy) 40s.

Still. Things don’t feel entirely right, and now that I’m entering a decade that will never-not sound “old” to me, there is no choice but to try to find a different angle from which to see. Clearly, even a good relationship is not that dangled carrot.

So to quote Alanis once again, “How ‘bout?” ‘Bout what, I’m not sure, but I’m actually kind of looking forward not to dying, but to becoming an old lady. No one gets out alive, right? I want to enjoy the ride <3

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Imagining Imogen

You may never have or hold a child

You will learn to lose everything

We are temporary arrangements

~ Alanis

When I was 16, I had so many names, for all of the seven children that I was definitely going to have. We did that egg experiment to teach you what it’s like to care for a child. My health teacher knew how much I wanted to be a mother; heck, I padded my belly for Career Day, no joke! I was going to marry my high-school boyfriend at 22, and then proceed to have aforementioned seven children.

So my health teacher gave me “triplets.” When my classmate kidnapped Emily Rose, I was devastated, even moreso when I found her hanging by a noose in my locker.

Then high-school boyfriend and I broke up, and in general, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans” had its way with me.

I got back on track, even got married at a “reasonable” age when I was 27. But babies? Not so much.

Two weeks ago, I turned 40-freaking-years old, and my womb worries.. And I know I’m not alone. If I’m feeling this at 40, so are others.

And here we all are. I’ll probably have a boy if I do have a baby, because that’s how my family rolls!

But if it’s a girl, her name is Imogen. I’d not appreciated the name until realizing that there is no closer word to my favorite concept: Imagination <3

If she existed, her nickname could be Immy or Genny – both cute. In the meantime, I’d raise this fictional daughter to question, to hope, to believe…

…to imagine.

Dunno if I’ll get a baby in the first place , never mind a pre-named kid full of purpose.

For now, I’d like to dream of a child that may never be mine, but will inspire others with her hopeful name, and beautiful purpose <3

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Vanderpump Rules: S1, Ep6: Caught With Your Trousers Down

As I just started watching “Vanderpump Rules” this past season (three), there is a Lot To Learn, regarding backstory to which I simply don’t have current access. So while I’ve seen the three Season One eps that are preciously hoarded on my DVR, it’s been a couple of months at this point since I’ve watched this glorious show, and mostly know Season Three. Therefore, I’m anticipating quite the wild ride.

Previously! On “Vanderpump Rules”:

Katie in a really cute bob haircut totally lays it out for Stassi that someone (not sure who) just wanted to get in Stassi’s pants, and Stassi is like:


Stassi celebrates one of her notorious birthdays, and Katie says “Spare me” in a shoutout to my family. Glasses are clinked; limos are ridden; and Stassi makes out with a dude I don’t recognize. Damn, I’m going to miss her now that she’s (SPOILER) not on the show anymore.

Hahahah people are dressed in fancy outfits and throwing drinks at each other and I am literally LOLing at 9 am and man I have missed this show in the majorest of ways. And this is just the previouslies!

If I elaborate on all the Stassi drama alone, we’ll be here all week. Suffice it for now to say that there are tears, and Jax you’ll be happy to know is having the best sex he’s had in a long time with that girl Laura Leigh who went on to be in “We’re the Millers.” Oh sorry: SPOILER!

Credits! And I know this is an absolutely terrible picture on myriad levels, but I can’t chance things, because: a) my phone is at 24% and I left the charger at my parents’ house; b) how much does Stassi look like Carmen Electra here?


Jax and Tom bartend; Kristen and Katie waitress; and Lisa owns the room.

Kristen confessionals that Lisa wants all of them to pursue their dreams, and we see clips of SURvers running lines, Scheana singing, Tina modeling, Sandoval playing guitar with Lisa’s son Max, and Jax running into a glasses ad he’s in whilst in a glasses store. Peter produces a movie starring people from SUR.

Stassi is working on her fashion column for Lisa and Pandora’s website (Pandora as in Lisa’s daughter, not the music site), and some dude in flip-flops drinks a beer while having a conversation with Stassi and acting “Hey hey, sports fans!” to an extreme level that I did not know was possible. Then I guess someone cues him to suddenly switch from bitching about Stassi’s mess to feigning interest in her “blog,” as he calls it. She snipes back that “It’s not a blog,” and whatevs; self-loathing that term is so 2007. And NOW she is further testing my patience by saying people on blogs just upload whatever they write and “don’t even reread it!” While even proofreaders need proofreaders, Stassi if that were true, “whatevs” would have remained autocorrected as “wharves!”

Anyway. I do really like her dress, and we are at 505 words and four minutes in, so let’s keep moving…

…to Lisa’s house in Beverly Hills! “Melanie, SUR publicist,” Lisa, and Ken discuss having a happy hour until Ken drops the bomb that Jax and Laura Leigh were caught having sex on camera. Melanie says that as their publicist, she has to say that “It’s not a good look” and but wait, WHAT’S not a good look? This private conversation about something caught on cameras only they have access to? Whatever, Melanie.

Stassi and Scheana are eating from takeout boxes at SUR. Stassi is salivating, which she helpfully clarifies as being “at the mouth,” and she and Scheana are weirdly nice to each other. Kristen bitches about this and Stassi’s SURver negligence overall to Peter who is managing, and obviously not pleased to have to choose between listening to Kristen and reprimanding Stassi.


Takami, a sushi bar, where Jax and Laura Leigh fittingly have sex in the bathroom and we unfortunately are treated to *sounds.* Jax confessionals that he loves that Laura Leigh is a freak and they have a gross IRL conversation about not being able to keep their hands off of each other. Jax is down with her calling him attractive, but starts to get nervous as her crazy train starts veering off the rails and she all but proclaims her love for him.

Spinning class. Kristen confessionals that there’s a lot of pressure to be the hottest girl at SUR and they all work out five days a week. In real time, she and Katie discuss Stassi, and Katie says “between her and I.” Not sure what this particular drama is even about, but apparently Stassi is mad at both of them.

SUR. Laura Leigh and Jax contrivedly bartend together and Lisa needs to talk to both of them about their sex in the bathroom. Jax makes his patented “I’m innocent” face:


But the best part is watching Laura Leigh get all method actress and ask “What are you talking about?” while Lisa is like, “Please, children.”


No wait! The best part is Laura Leigh indignantly responding, “We had sex at Takami!” 

On a serious note, Lisa dismisses Laura Leigh and tells Jax that Laura Leigh is fragile, and she doesn’t want Jax messing with her heart.

Stassi’s apartement. Katie arrives with two bottles of white wine, and they talk it out. What “it” is, I’m not sure, but they cry and hug.

SUR. Joey whom I don’t know is replacing Frank whom I don’t know, so while hearing the tale of Frank getting sent home is fairly interesting, there is little emotional resonation.

Ohhh, okay. Frank is Stassi’s preppy boyfriend, and is now pulling up to SUR in a convertible (natch) with Stassi. He’s getting fired on the same day she’s going to introduce him to her parents. Lisa is a total class act when she fires him, explaining that this is not the first incident, and then says she wants to hear his side of it. But he doesn’t play along and I don’t blame Lisa for her choice to call it a day with him. I think if he’d been polite and apologized, she’d have let him off with just a warning or a suspension at worst.

Stassi’s parents’ house. They drink vodka and find out that Frank’s now unemployed. They laugh at the story, and he goes on to complain that their daughter has “pretty girl syndrome” and asks him to do too much for her. Then Stassi’s parents make fun of Stassi for being homely in high school. Stassi says she got a chin implant and it changed her life, but they show pictures of her in high school, and she was NOT homely. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not anti-plastic-surgery if it makes someone feel better about him-/herself! And she is gorgeous now too. I’m just saying that I feel bad she thought that about herself, back then.

Kristen and Katie are on a double date with their Toms, which is weird to see since I’m used to Kristen pining for hers. They are at a place called Home, which I guess is some kind of outdoor diner/brunch/whatever place, because Schwartz gets a giant pancake that he calls “sexy,” but elsewhere on the table, there are sweet potato fries. Katie confessionals that it sucks that Jax and Stassi broke up, because now they can’t all hang out together anymore. That does suck.

Meanwhile, Kristen gets a call, then shares the news that Frank got fired and everyone is like :o

Wait, actually I have no idea what’s going on with the food, because now Schwartz appears to be eating a giant burrito and I don’t see the pancake anywhere. Where is Nate the Great when you need him?

GORGEOUS sunset that makes me wish a little tiny bit that I lived in California. 

Stassi’s apartment. She does her nails, and I think it’s interesting she does her own nails. She basically asks Frank what he’s going to do for work now. Frank amazingly says, “I made the decision to get fired.” Then they start talking about Stassi’s parents, and Frank essentially says Stassi and her mom are both bossy divas. They go back and forth and back and forth and omg can these two please break up already? Worst couple ever.

Back from commercial, Stassi is now crying outside. Then he goes to leave and she’s like, “Don’t walk away from me!” and calls him a dick and bipolar and an asshole. Then he says he’s questioning whether he should dump her or not. He drives away and Stassi smokes a cigarette and cries.


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5 Reasons to Watch “Faking It”

1. The Cast

I don’t think I’ve ever written a 5 Reasons blog that didn’t have the cast first, and that is because casting is everything to me. You could show me the most brilliant piece of cinematic art ever created; it could get 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, but if I don’t like the cast, especially the lead? Pffft.

And vice versa. A show or movie could be utter tripe, but give me a lead that I love and an iota of charm? Sold!

“Faking It” is surprisingly (to me, at first) not the latter, but more on that in a later bullet point. For now I will just say that I’m really happy to see Katie Stevens singing again on my television! I loved her on “American Idol,” and think she is perfect as Karma — a character so flawed, but so endearing. Rita Volk looks like no one I’ve ever seen before, and I mean that in a good way. She’s more the lead, while Karma’s more the star — IMO and if that makes any sense — and does a captivating job playing the straight woman (so to speak) without being boring.

Not an easy feat to accomplish on a show that includes a supporting cast of wackadoodles that could go toe to toe with “Gilmore Girls” and “Hart of Dixie.” Michael J. Willett as Shane knocks it out of the park! I never really understood women falling in love with their gay male friends, but I’d totally have pined for him if he’d been my friend when I was younger. Gregg Sulkin as Liam is shocking, because you think he’s going to be the Boring Beefcake, but is actually really sweet and hilarious. I can’t name everyone because this is not the Oscars, but in my last quick they’re-playing-the-music breath, let me just say that Rebecca McFarland as Amy’s mom is WONDERFUL with her wide, unblinking eyes, deadpan delivery, then boom! Ability to make you cry out of nowhere. Senta Moses is back as Principal Penelope in clever casting, seeing as she was one of the OG TV people to pine after her own gay male BFF on “My So-Called Life.” Karma’s parents crack me up, and Amy Farrington’s eye-reaction to the word “threesome” is one of the best I’ve ever seen :-D

Oh but wait, one more important thing, which is that Bailey De Young is THE BOMB. When I first started watching, I thought that the scenes of her character Lauren were going to be ones I had to just get through. But she ended up becoming possibly my favorite character, and while she gets great material with which to work, Bailey De Young brings so much more to the table than necessary. I love her and now I need to watch “Bunheads.”

  1. The Funny

When I started watching this show, I expected very little, to be honest. But what sucked me in first was how many LOLs this show brought forth, even just in the pilot! The humor is so much more clever and subversive than I’d ever have predicted, and I love that even as splashy and over-the-top “Faking It” is, the humor is all over the place. Sometimes you’ll get Karma trying to storm out of a bedroom ball pit whilst wearing a lavender dress that I really need to own, tripping over purple, teal, and silver balls, but most of all her own indignation :o Other times, you’ll see Lauren casually saying with full-on self-awareness, “Old people love me; I share their values.” It’s a great balance, overall.

  1. The Lack of Shallow and Stereotypes

It’s MTV. It’s a show about teenagers in high school, and the whole premise is based on an uber-liberal school getting excited about having its first lesbian couple. Shane is pretty flamboyant (when asked to “butch it up” for a family dinner, he comes dressed in Amy’s words as “Magic Mike”). Lauren is a family-values neocon who looks like she spends her nights dreaming of being a FOX News anchor. Basically, the show on the surface is ALL stereotype, but within a very short period of time, “Faking It” makes it clear that the show has not come to bring peace but a sword, as it spends its time skewering stereotypes, while still mining them for humor.

4. Because “Degrassi’s” Going Away

Guys, I still haven’t wrapped my brain around the fact that “Degrassi’s” ending next month. I know there is talk that there will be a spinoff/reappropriation/whatever they want to call it, but I’m devastated! I know, I know — I’ll be 40 in two months and yada yada yada, but whatever! I’ve been watching it since I was 12, and even with the reboot when I was nearly 30, it kept me feeling energized. I already have to BE an adult, and my own IRL-teen show (Beverly Hills 90210) spent most of its post-Brenda energy on adult bullshit anyway. When I get home from work, I don’t want to watch a show about angry adults being evil to each other. I want to laugh, and I want to remember what it feels like to have teenage hope again.

But on the serious level, I do like learning about what The Kids are dealing with today. “Degrassi’s” never shied away from any topic, and “Faking It” seems just as prepared to “go there.” Or as my boyfriend said when he overheard me watching it from the other room, “It’s like a dirtier ‘Degrassi.'”

In all fairness, that was the threesome episode, but it was really funny and kind of true. It’s always made me happy that “Degrassi’s” existed, because it tackles things that even adults are like “Too soon!” about. Adam who was transgender, I can’t imagine how many people his character helped. Now on “Faking It,” we have an intersex character in Lauren. She struggled with feeling like it was a shameful secret, but based on the end of S2, is poised — literally and figuratively, because Lauren can raise her chin and straighten her spine like no one since Anne Shirley — to own it with pride.

5. The Friendship  

Probably my very favorite thing about “Faking It” if I could only pick one thing, is that despite the show’s premise and the humor behind it, they treat Amy’s realization that she’s in love with Karma no differently than Joey’s feelings for Pacey, Willow’s for Xander, or any other teen-in-love-with-her-best-friend show. There is the added level of confusion, since Amy didn’t “even like looking at (her) own vagina,” back in the pilot. She doesn’t even know if she’s a lesbian for awhile; she just knows that she loves the person she’s been tied to the hip with since kindergarten. I honestly can’t imagine; unrequited love is hard enough. Amy’s situation is like getting dumped within a 16-year marriage, only having to still live with the person. But it’s not even THAT, because Karma really loves Amy with her whole heart — just not in that way. In the end, whether they end up in the same bed or separate houses next door to each other, they are soulmates. That to me is the most compelling part of an all-around awesome show.

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Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 24: Switchblade Sisters



“Switchblade Sisters” is “A ROLLING THUNDER PICTURE.” It opens with purple text over pictures from my childhood and The Beatles’ “Help!”

A lady sings about a “Blackhearted woman” as Pre-Molly Ringwald does “stage business” at a vanity, then puts on a hoodie.

A dude shows up to Molly Ringwald’s apartment to repossess her TV while the kids are watching it, but a lady in charge who is wearing a sherbet-colored housedress with faux-fur cuffs gives him money. He goes away, but you can tell Molly Ringwald is concerned.

Dude gets in the elevator, flipping through his little black book. He and Molly Ringwald do REALLY gross “come hither” things with their tongues that I remember people doing in the ‘80s and I’m really glad they stopped, at least as far as I can tell.

But what is this! One by one, *tough* girls get in the elevator, and Tongue Dude is increasingly alarmed! As he should be, because they stop the elevator. Molly Ringwald says “Freeze, Greaseball!” and even though her voice is super high, he’s scared because her friends sport not only eye patches but also nose rings, and she cuts off his tie. Then they attack him, a la The Pack in “Buffy.”


Dude in a station wagon honks at the gang, even though they’re going through a crosswalk as it is, but they’re so tough they don’t even care. They show up to iHop meets All-American Burger, where guys are hanging out. And you know they are Likewise No Good, because they too are clad in black leather/denim/variations on that theme. One of them looks like a guy from “Santa Barbara” and Teen Beat circa 1986, and the other is Bob Pinciotti from “That ‘70s Show.”

They all canoodle, and SB guy whose name is Dom goes, “You’re one hell of a fox, baby…Let’s have some burgers for the ladies!” in the best delivery I’ve ever witnessed.

I can’t even recap the next scene, but suffice it to say it involves fat-shaming the one girl who’s showing cleavage, and Molly Ringwald holding her nose into a snout. So I now hate Molly Ringwald, whose real name I hope we find out soon.

The gang bullies people away from “their table,” but what is this! A girl who gives totally new definition to the term “ash blonde” is not scared of these punk girls! She throws pepper into Eye Patch’s one good eye, then pulls out some ninja moves whilst wearing short-shorts and black boots with studs.

Btw, the girl gang is called “The Dagger Debs,” and Ash Blonde “ain’t with a gang.”

Punch buggy yellow!

 It’s the fuzz! Here to harsh on…I don’t even know, but in this case, I’m on their side, because Dagger Debs and the guys whose “gang” name I can’t recall are the worst. The Dagger Debs deny knowing anything about gang activity.

“Brady Bunch” Alice’s cousin shows up to fulfill the 1975 female prison warden stereotpe.

Ash Blonde’s blue eyeshadow is no worse for the wear, inexplicably. I get creases just from sitting at my desk, and would love to know her secret.

The wardens try to finger-rape Ash Blonde, so she kicks Alice’s Cousin in the vagina. In retaliation, the wardens repeatedly dunk her head in the toilet. Ash Blonde keeps fighting back.

Molly Ringwald is impressed enough to lead the pack o’ ladies into the bathroom to rough up the wardens. Everyone in the audience hoping for a dirtier movie that everything on the surface promises to deliver will have to settle for some boobs right now, because whose top hasn’t busted off whilst fighting for justice?

Obligatory scene where Molly Ringwald and Ash Blonde bond. The latter is getting out of captivity, and MR gives her a letter for “Dominic” (the “Santa Barbara” man), then creepily says, “I’d kill for that guy.” Ash Blonde toats gets it though, then leaves, albeit pantsless.

Several years ago, I played GTA IV by proxy and didn’t want to steal cars or hurt anyone, therefore spent a lot of time at the bar playing pool with Jacob. This next set looks like that bar. It’s the lair of the 50-year-old teenage boy gang, and they look pensive when Ash Blonde shows up with the love letter from Molly Ringwald. The boys chide Dom for being “pussy whipped,” and Bob Pinciotti makes Dom read the letter out loud. So he does, as the boys cackle away, ’cause girls have cooties.


Until Ash Blonde goes “That’s enough!” And rips the letter out of Dom’s hands, then SMACKS him :o

Then she runs home to “Mom,” who is apparently having sex with some dude. Ash Blonde smiles to herself because aw, until there is Dom at the not just unlocked but open door! Not to victim blame, but really, Ash Blonde? Then in a troubling scene that I can’t begin to explain nor desire to, he forces himself on her. Sort of. It’s really hard to tell, and one reason I don’t even want to talk about this business that ends up with her head in his lap and saying she likes him.

Classroom. Beleaguered teacher. When his student picks a fight with him, Molly Ringwald and Ash Blonde beat up the student: in defense of the teacher, or so they could take over the classroom? Unclear, as is the sudden storyline about white panties.

People smoke weed outside during lunch time. The principal shows up, looking exactly the same age as the “kids,” and encourages them to mend fences.

Then we find out that Eye Patch Girl is super jealous of new girl Ash Blonde. Until she finds out that Ash and Dom had sex!

Which Molly Ringwald refuses to believe!

Warehouse/lair. Molly watches from a distance as Dom demands Ash Blonde hang out with him, and grabs her arm! Because she will not double cross Ash Blonde!

Every line Molly has, it’s like she reacts, waits five seconds, raises the pitch and volume of her voice by two octaves, then delivers her line: “Why don’t you just uh, SHUT up, uh.” Because she’s not even trying to hear Eye Patch Girl’s assertions that Dom is cheating.

Molly wants to make Ash an “official Dagger girl,” but Eye Patch insists that Ash earn her stripes! They order her to steal a medallion, even though it wasn’t even the ‘80s yet.

Molly shows up to some newspaper/radical office and finds the possessor of the medallion, who is basically that one guy in “Across the Universe.” She bimbos her way closer to him in a dress that’s actually super cute, looking more like Margot Robbie than ever.

Ash goes down on this dude on a set that looks unsettlingly like “The Brady Bunch,” OR DOES SHE? In fact, she causes a table-overturning ruckus, a la Jesus in the temple.


But the whole point was to fulfill her mission and get the medallion, which Ash holds up in triumph. Molly Ringwald looks duly impressed, and rather turned on, in her way.


Apparently before there were webcams and normal prostitutes, there was Bob Pinciotti pimping out one of the Dagger Debs in the bathroom! She flashes set o’ boobs number two and then apparently has sex with a “nerd.”

Seriously though, with the ‘70s and people’s ages. I’ll be 40 in like 90 days and still think “These teenagers look middle aged.” It will most likely not be until the retirement home that I watch a ‘70s high school movie and feel older than the cast.

The next scene is really upsetting in a non-fun, non-cheesy way. Radio edit.

Warehouse. Molly tries to comfort the victim of the last scene’s attack and the whole gang plots revenge on the rival one.

Ew, Molly and Dom are naked in bed in the middle of the night. They act, and the movie presents to us pair o’ boobs number three. In a terrifying strike to the gene pool, Molly announces that she’s pregnant.

I was in a play 17 years ago and one day after we rehearsed a scene, the director tried to as diplomatically as possible tell me that I seemed as though I were channeling Shirley Temple, not in the good way. That is how Molly is in this entire movie — every scene, every line, every pout — and it’s rather glorious to behold. Now she is screeching that “It’s (Ash)!” causing their relationship problems and Dom is like “Get an abortion, beeyotch.”

The gangs roller skate. Then a fight breaks out in a super confusing way, and then there is a shootout. Dom doesn’t make it.

Hospital. Molly lies that Dom was proud to be the baby daddy of her squawky offspring. There’s a super-unfortunate near-monologue, but/so this scene is overall a 9.5 on the acting cheez scale, by everyone involved. Molly even tears apart her teddy bear :o


The cops are here to get info out of the Dagger Debs about gangs and the roller-skating rink incident. They act “sassy,” then saunter away.

Warehouse/lair. Whoa, I was going to say this place is like the Bronze and now I notice they have a very Bronze-esque couch. Anyway, the Debs stand up to Bob Pinciotti, despite his knife he’s wielding. Then they (obvi) make fun of his penis, and he leaves, but not before sneering that “You broads don’t have a chance.”

Ash gives a “rousing” speech and it’s super awkward, and therefore pretty awesome. She renames the gang “Jezebels,” because of course.

The Jezebels get frisked by a gang with guns! Because they need to get into a building…not sure why. Hopefully they’ll fill in the blanks for me soon.

Oh okay, Ash is old friends with the matriarch figure who doesn’t seem particularly gang-like, just authoritative. Ash tells her they need help. Matriarch is impressed that they’re an all-female posse.

Oh God. Another “battle for power” exchange between Eye Patch and Molly. Eye Patch’s hair looks gorgeous, and she reminds me of Holly J. Sinclair more than ever. Molly’s voice manages to out-quaalude-by-way-of-helium itself. “Let me do it my way!” she implores Eye Patch, who is totally gaining my trust and respect by the minute.


Target practice. The gang extras are more middle aged than ever. Ash gets entirely too many lines. My new BFF Eye Patch steals the whole scene even without speaking. Molly gives another Shirley Temple call to arms.

Now out of nowhere, Molly and Eye Patch are plotting to kill Ash.

Food truck, as this movie manages to out-hipster itself. Oh wait, it’s not actually a food truck per se; it’s to give food to needy kids, which is nice except it looks like they’re serving gray gruel. Probably nutritious, but depressing nonetheless. Ash smashes a…plate of this into a dude’s face, which makes me hate her a little more because there are malnourished kids out there, ASH. Put your stupid faux gangster beef where it belongs!

But no, these assholes ruin the whole truck, as Molly inexplicably sports tinfoil Princess Leia buns and women from Matriarch’s gang squat and run around with machine guns in the middle of the streets.

The whole town gets involved! Including a guy in a sweater of an even brighter yellow than you could dream possible. As well as people driving…tanks! In a scene where the budget went entirely to special effects and bright yellow sweaters, not so much the sets themselves, which resemble cardboard boxes overall.

Molly and no-longer-my-BFF Eye Patch are trying to kill Ash and “make it look like an accident.” It doesn’t work out, but they do take out the rival gang guy from “Across the Universe,” much to Ash’s chagrin. The rest of the exchange is excellent, and Molly’s “What do you MEAN, conVENient” through gritted teeth deserves to be played at every Oscars ceremony for the rest of the Earth’s duration.

Close your eyes. Think of the scariest cake you’ve ever seen in your whole life. Then open them, and see this:



I’m not even sure what this next scene is about, but Molly slaps the “chubby” girl (who I think is pretty hot actually) and yells again, some more.

Then she punches Ash in the neck and the back until Ash passes out! Even the gang girls are like, whoa not cool Molly.

There is some not even 11th hour but 11:30th hour business about the gang fracturing. Then out of NOwhere, Molly rips off Ash’s shirt, exposing pair o’ boobs number four, and PUTS OUT A CIGARETTE IN HER BELLY BUTTON.

Ash bounces back (so to speak), and we then get the most grating, fantastic dialogue back and forth that one could ever hope for, combined with a switchblade duel! It includes much grunting and an overturned couch. And many, many cardboard boxes askew and in overall disarray, because this movie’s entire budget went to cocaine for everyone involved.

And okay, possible a couple of stunt doubles because there are actually some impressive moves. And Molly cuts Ash’s face at the mouth, a la the Joker!

Suddenly, Tarantino and Rodriguez are here to direct the next 60 seconds, which are surprisingly good. As are the next 15, in which Eye Patch gets shunned from the gang, Amish-style.

Then Ash misdirects her anger at a police officer, shouts over and over about how the Jezebels will be back, and sports some of the most hilarious fake blood I’ve ever seen.


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