Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 25: Sugar Daddies

After really enjoying a bunch of Lifetime movies a few weeks ago, my luck on the DVR ran out and I hit a dry spell. But if any movie based on title alone was going to be awesome, “Sugar Daddies” was it. With fingers crossed, I settled in and sure enough, it did not disappoint.

The movie begins with the lead’s voiceover expositing that she is pre-law, so you know she’s not a bimbo, but we’re also seeing into the future as she is clearly a hooker of some nature, though getting into an SUV and not a limo.

After getting a beer spilled on her, the lead walks into the bathroom where her roommate conveniently is too, also clearly a hooker of some nature and putting on even MORE makeup. Oh I should mention that the lead doesn’t wear makeup, to continue setting her apart as Still Pure. Her roommate looks so distractingly like Baylor from “Survivor” that I have to go check the IMDB, but it’s not Baylor.

 

Speaking of confusing looking, the lead is beautiful but also looks like a cross between Holly J. from “Degrassi” and Mischa Barton, and just when my brain finally begins to accept her as one complete and unique person, she randomly looks like Miranda Lambert.

Anyway, character establishment some more, as we see roommate is footloose and fancy free, while the lead is duteous and won’t go to roommate’s hooker party with her 82-year-old date. She does have a boyfriend who shows up so they can make out (because that is what happens when you’re the only waitress and it’s slammed). I’m going to save myself the trouble of recapping much else about the boyfriend, whose entire character can be summed up thusly: Not An Old Man.

Kara! That’s her name, the lead. Kara gets fired, not for making out during a busy shift, but because they hired too many people. So when Kara gets offered a summer internship at the non-profit “Women’s Law Shelter” (Love it), her excitement quickly turns to disappointment when she finds out it doesn’t pay.

Dorm room scene where we find out that her roommate (Shawna) has super expensive dresses and Kara goes to college in the early ‘90s because she is sitting at her desk writing longhand whilst wearing a denim shirt. Shawna evangelizes her lifestyle and tells Kara that life doesn’t have to be so hard.

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(*Side note: I saw a college girl in on “Billy on the Street” before and not only was she wearing a denim shirt, but it was sleeveless! Welcome back, 1993 — feels like just yesterday <3 )

Roommate and Kara walk into a lounge A song plays ominously in the background as Kara realizes she’s in over her head, and gazes in horror at what looks like the weirdest sorority party ever.

Shawna meets up with the older man from before and is all “Hey my friend would like to ‘meet someone.’” Kara’s like nuh-uh and Roommate chides her for being rude. She counters that these men are way classier than the frat douches at school. This scene would almost make it seem like “Maybe she has a point,” except it’s all so hilariously predatory from the get-go that there is no room for devil’s advocacy!

Especially when a man comes up (Grant), talking like Mel Silver mixed with the Pathmark man from “Poltergeist.” He is accompanied by a bodyguard. Grant charmingly proceeds to call Kara uptight for not wanting to sleep with a man older than her father for money.

Speaking of Kara’s dad, we find out that he has 80K in medical bills from a car accident that insurance won’t cover. Maybe I can fix this by becoming a hooker, you see Kara thinking.

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But then okay, so after the mom’s all, “We’re going to lose the house maybe,” Kara offers to move home and her mom says “No you’ve worked so hard,” and I don’t understand why Kara can’t continue to work hard while also living off-campus, and THEN her dad comes home and we find out that he’s just been able to go back to work as a mechanic and finally after many years, he’s restored a Corvette, which will be Kara’s graduation present after she finishes law school.

Okay…

First of all, she’s still PRE-law, so we’re talking a long time from now and while you can’t necessarily predict that your straight-laced daughter is going to choose prostitution as the next logical step, wouldn’t it at least make sense to sell the Corvette and help everyone now?

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Anyway, Kara’s mad when Grant calls her. Shawna gave him her number because Grant is the “sugar daddy jackpot.” Other girls would kill to be with him. Shawna says she and her sugar daddy have a mutually beneficial relationship; sex in the dark is no big deal, and she gets “lots and LOTS” of money which is all well and good, but may I then ask why she is living with a roommate in the dorms if she has so much money?

Cut to Kara in a white lace dress (because she’s still innocent) taking Grant’s arm, as he leads her onto a plane so they can go to dinner in San Francisco, where he feeds her champagne and caviar (RIP Baldwin restaurant), and they have a long conversation where we find out again, some more, that she needs money and he offers her $5,000 a month to be his lady, and doesn’t care that she has a boyfriend.

I guess the early ‘90s are just back in, between Kara’s denim shirt and now her and Shawna’s outfits. 

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Oh right, there’s this ongoing theme of ethics and morality in Kara’s law class to underscore all the deepness. Meanwhile, she flashes back to the scene we just saw three minutes ago of her date with Grant and in the next, we see her get in the SUV from the first scene as she goes inside for an interminable exchange where it’s established over and over that she is unsure and he is not going to ask her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Then they have sex in slow motion and he hands her a check.

Shawna, Lea, and Kara discuss their sugar daddies. Lea’s is mean and into role play and she’s very jealous that Grant is so nice.

Kara and her parents eat outside. She lies about her job going well and they hand her a check for $200, which she gives back to them and really once again, I’m not feeling the economical urgency of Kara’s situation as they sit around in their cool dining area outside their house and play hot potato with checks. Because also, I’m the first person to never want to say goodbye to houses, but Kara has no siblings. Is it really that awful for them to downsize? But mainly this scene exists for us to learn that Kara no longer uses her GPS, because she’s not a little girl anymore.

Kara’s car won’t start, because the one her dad’s bothered to fix is at home waiting in the garage for God knows how long. Grant tells her to cancel her plans for tonight, and speak of the devil, her (young) boyfriend shows up to jump her car; then she does as she’s told and bows out of tonight’s movie plans, blaming her need to study.

Kara’s back at Grant’s and I have to say that the whole thing is very confusing, like some of the time it seems like she is falling in a way for him. Sometimes every other face she makes looks terrified and revolted. Then there are times like now, when she seems like a stone-cold taker who has no qualms about pretending to really like this guy. He says he’ll pay her dad’s medical bills (which you might have forgotten because it’s been 30 seconds, are 80,000 dollars) and gives her expensive earrings. Then he takes off her dress.

Peter the Bodyguard drives Kara home and scoffs at her earrings and she says he sounds jealous and he drives away in a menacing manner. Meanwhile Lea stumbles up and delivers a drunken/drugged-out speech about how tonight she played dirty flight attendant and she’s jealous of Kara and Grant again, some more. Then she does that TV/movie thing where she can barely talk or walk, but doesn’t fall down in her stiletto heels.

Justin the not-old boyfriend shows up to try and have sex, but Kara’s “tired,” and when he notices her new earrings, she lies that she borrowed them from Shawna. He’s suspicious and asks, “To study?” But agrees to hang out the next day.

Instead the next day, Kara is having sex with Grant in the backseat of the SUV while Peter watches from the rearview mirror. Justin goes looking for her and asks Shawna about the earrings and she is like “What earrings?” since she and Lea clearly hate Kara.

Kara gets back to the dorm, where Justin is waiting and confronts her. “Just tell me it’s not one of those sugar daddies,” he implores her, but Kara’s eyes say it all, and he leaves.

Kara and Shawna walk through campus while Shawna shows off her fancy new bracelet by walking in leather…shorts with her arm extended. Kara calls Shawna on selling her out with Justin. Shawna continues to walk with her arm extended and Kara is horrified to realize Shawna’s out to be a trophy wife to a sugar daddy. 

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Grant takes Kara to his house and gives her a new car. Then they have sex and pillow talk about his age (this is one of the times she seems to really like him), then kinkiness. She likes chocolate syrup and he likes to be choked. This is when things start to take a turn, as it dawns on Kara that no, she probably isn’t going to get $5,000 a month and spontaneous plane trips and cars and medical bills paid for because of her vague charm and halfhearted sex. He shows her a check for $100,000 for her father. But he doesn’t give it to her; it’s for IF she does what he wants next time.

Kara drives home as she flashes back to a scene from just before with her mom talking about selling the house, like this is the deciding factor and seriously why? Then she flashes back to literally the last scene, before slamming into the back of a stopped car, due to being distracted.

Speaking of the house, Kara’s there now to saddle her dad with fixing her newly smashed car. Then she hands him a card because they’re celebrating his 50th birthday, at which his birthday speech, like most other things in this movie’s universe, is All About Kara. And for some reason, the dad has a beer bottle, but everyone else has a Solo cup.

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Kara ignores multiple calls from Grant and it’s like at least turn your super-loud ringer off, GEEZ.  Finally her uber-patient mom gets annoyed, so Kara answers but refuses to leave her dad’s party for him, despite his insistence.

Lea asks Kara for money until she finds her “next daddy.” Kara for some reason relents even though Lea seems perfectly capable of at least attempting to I don’t know, get a job, and says she’ll give her those earrings so she can sell them.

Kara’s dad works on her car, then notices the registration made out to Grant. Warning bells go off, and he looks for her at the restaurant where Kara used to work. Her boss says they let her go a few weeks ago.

Kara shows up at Grant’s and after many dates of ingenue blue and virginal white dresses, she’s finally given up the ghost and is wearing all red. If we’re not going to get even the vaguest allusions as to character motivation, I appreciate the costume imagery. She says sorry, and he says since you won’t choke me, you better come to events from now on.

Kara’s dad is at Grant’s house and super pissed. Kara on the other hand seems to love her dad so much that she is willing to be a hooker for him, but not enough to muster up a reaction to his horror at the situation. She refuses to leave with him, and he punches Grant in the face.

Then she hurts his feelings by calling Grant the most generous man she’s ever met. She follows him to his car in her stiletto heels apologizing, but he peels away. Then she goes back inside Grant’s house and he’s upset about all the drama, says this is not going to be “a love affair,” and his nose goes from pouring copious amounts of blood one moment to being just fine the next.

He breaks up with her; she asks what about the check, and he tears it up and throws it on the ground. 

So after fixing what he thought was his daughter’s car that she now needs to give back to Grant, Kara’s dad SMASHES the window of the car in and I get that you’re mad dude, but why would you do that? Either she has to pay for it and where do you think she’s getting the extra $$$, or he’s going to hurt her for the offense! And speaking of hurt, way to risk your daughter sitting on glass. She just apologized and I don’t blame you for not accepting that or being angry, but come on now.

Oh boy. So that professor who offered Kara the internship tells her sawry sawry, they changed their minds and you think omg, Grant’s not just going to mess with her bank account or emotions; he’s going to mess with her life, and used his power to take this from her. But no, it’s just another filler scene to show us…something about Kara’s inner workings.

I guess this time it’s to show how much she’s lost, as we get more flashbacks to things that just happened, as she fights with her dad, then Justin, then Grant. Shawna shows up to be useless as usz, and the movie — say it with me — reminds us that Kara’s family is “broke” and what is Shawna going to do; she used all her money on fall tuition (i.e., not a bit of student loan debt and guaranteed classes for the next several months), but “dorm fees are due.” And I just can’t even right now, as Shawna encourages her to go make Grant feel needed and get him back.

Kara does that and says she will do anything to prove how much she misses and needs him. Because, dorm fees. And he tells her she can prove it by bringing Lea back to his place for a threesome. Kara even at this point in the movie has the gall to look put off; I mean, as far as these things go, a threesome is pretty freaking tame on the scale of things she’s been up to lately.

They all end up back at his place, where he conveniently excuses himself to the bedroom and tells them to help themselves to drinks. Kara says she can’t do this and Lea says yes you can because Lea is desperate for another “daddy” and has always wanted Grant. She gives Kara a pill to help her through it.

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Then it is pretty much the same scene as the aborted threesome in “Faking It,” in terms of choreography and time frame, if not emotionally. Kara runs out of the room and vomits while Lea tells Grant she’ll do anything. Obvi, he has her choke him, but then he chokes her…to death by accident.

Kara comes out of the bathroom to find Lea’s body and runs out screaming. Then she comes back and Lea’s gone! Grant says she was just drunk and Peter called her a cab.

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Kara tells Shawna btw I think Lea’s dead and Shawna doesn’t believe her after Kara said she took “the drugs” Lea gave her. We flash back and forth between Kara finding some kind of evidence by the looks of it, and Grant losing his mind and screaming a lot back at home. Then out of nowhere there is a scene of Kara’s mom encouraging Kara’s dad to forgive her.

Grant and Peter fetch Kara in broad daylight so that Grant can try and bribe Kara into silence. As she looks at the check, she notices the earring she gave Lea on the ground by her foot! How could that be if she went straight from the threesome to the cab?

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And even in this 11th hour Kara manages to do the dumbest thing possible, as she remains in the car of someone she knows is likely a killer, driven by someone who you can just tell is a killer in the first place. JUST SMILE AND TAKE THE CHECK AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THE CAR!!! Instead she takes the earring from the floor and promises to call him. Grant punches the seat after she leaves and says “She knows” and it’s made clear that Peter’s going to kill Kara to cover their tracks.

I’d really like to know what the entrance standards are to this supposedly expensive college because as dumb as Kara is, Shawna is aggressively dumber. They saunter around campus and she continues to not believe anything is wrong.

Remember that GPS that went off in the first act? Well it’s gone on in the third, much to Kara’s dad’s surprise. He calls and she’s doing what anyone would be doing in her position: walking alone on a dark street, now while talking on a cell phone. Sure ‘nuff, Peter snatches her and Kara’s dad reacts with the urgency of a stoned person who’s forgotten why he walked into a room.

Kara’s bound and gagged and getting thrown into a trunk. Peter drives; Kara’s dad gives chase; Grant drinks, and once at the destination (the usual warehouse where these scenes tend to take place), Kara manages to unbind herself, then kicks Peter when he opens the trunk!

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It’s enough to buy some time for her dad as she hides in the warehouse, but Peter eventually catches her, then forces her to tie a tube around her arm. Luckily her dad gets there right before she has to shoot up, and then there is the usual scene you get in every last 10 minutes of most LMNs. In this version, Kara defeats Peter by smashing him in the head with a pipe.

And then they do what ALSO happens in these movies, which is treat a murderer like he’s dead without knowing. Kara and her dad hug; no one grabs Peter’s weapon, and then Kara answers Peter’s phone, letting Grant know while they’re still in the warehouse and Peter is possibly still alive that his plan was foiled.

Grant gets ready to flee the country in his plane, obviously half expecting this moment for awhile. But the jig is up, and here are the police! But they sort of let him stand around uncuffed so that he and Kara can exchange a meaningful glance that is just as confusing as the rest of their relationship has been.

Sunny day, obviously sometime in the future. Kara’s dad, believe it or not, is working on a car. The mom watches with approval from the door, and Kara’s dad lets her take the Corvette for a ride.

“I learned a lot in my last year of college. No matter how badly you want something, or how ambitious you are, there are some things? That just aren’t worth it,” Kara VOs, making it clear that her college education clearly paid off.

~ THE END ~

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Back to NY, Day One — Nanny & Pop-Pop’s House

My third trip back to New York was for my best friend’s wedding. Shannon and I met in sixth grade, became friends in seventh grade, and BFFs in eighth. So it’s been nearly 30 years. We went through junior and senior high in a teeny-tiny Christian school, with a graduating class of 13. No, there are no zeroes left out of that number. Ergo, we were a tight bunch, and pretty much remained so, especially considering that we’re all now in our 40s. So as broke as a joke as I am, when she told me she was getting married, I had to find a way to be there.

My second trip to New York had been last June for Nanny’s funeral. Very few days have passed since then that I haven’t at least teared up, and some days I still full-out sob. I didn’t know what it would be like to return to her house. My aunt hasn’t sold it, and when she graciously said that Josh and I could stay in it, she warned us that it was very different — messy and dusty and I honestly couldn’t have cared less. It was a house I kissed the walls of when I said goodbye to it last year. It is my favorite house in the entire world, one I’ve known my entire life. Just to be back inside those walls was literally a dream come true.

Stepping into the house felt like one, as well. “Beep-beep-beep-beep” went the dutiful security system, as I braced for the absence of her once-bouncin, later-shuffled footsteps at the door. I’ll write more about this another day, after it’s had a little more time to settle. But for the record, my aunt as usual was being humble, and clearly had worked so hard on the place, even cleaning out a bedroom and bathroom for us.

That night, I sat in my Pop-Pop’s chair, the most comfortable one in the world, even after all these years. It was where he sat during every gift-opening time at Christmas, until he passed and my cousin Albert took over, as an honor to our grandfather as much as for the primo living room real estate. Sitting there made me feel reverent, almost like I was in a place I shouldn’t be. I cried (obvi), read Wild, and just looked around, trying to absorb. That was when I posted on Facebook: “If every time I return to NY, every fiber of my being screams it wants to stay, I feel like I should listen.” Reactions were mixed, including mine as I wrote and felt it. I think I was almost trying to will Kansas back to me, to bring back my own Auntie Em and Uncle Henry. First I just needed to click my heels back to the place I knew deep down would and could never exist again.

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Posted in Apartments & Other Domiciles, Books, Childhood, Dreams, Family, Uncategorized, Women | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Vanderpump Rules: S4, Ep3: Pretty Little Lies

Lisa, Katie, Scheana, and Kristina shop at Ixia. Lisa laments being too old for a certain dress even though she always looks stunning, tells Scheana in a polka-dotted red dress that she looks like Minnie Mouse, and then scolds Scheana and Katie for being Mean Girls to Lala. So they tattle to Lisa that Lala’s not really going to Italy for a modeling job and Lisa is like, well you still need to act better.

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SUR. Ariana, Sandoval, Jax, and someone named Anthony are butthurt that they have to learn Pump drink recipes from Eric. Jax is flat-out insubordinate, so Ken awesomely gets in his face, and Lisa VOs about Ken’s being a bigger cock than Jax. Eric mentions that Jennifer Lawrence loves the Pumptini, which sounds delicious: muddled raspberry, lime juice, simple syrup, and vodka.

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12244629_10207094195725777_2790005383110658698_oLisa confronts Lala about her Italy modeling job lie and Lala is contrite, but adds that she didn’t go to Italy anyway, because she had a breakdown and needed her mama since people at SUR are being mean to her. And in that moment, I officially know that I love Lala. Lisa confessionals that when the SURvers pack up, it has the opposite of the intended effect, as it makes Lisa support the underdog <3

Katie finds Scheana crying in the bathroom ☹ I knew about this from the previews but it still breaks my heart to see Scheana suffering alone in her marriage. I truly hope they can work things out.

Commercials and omg, “The Night Before Vanderpump Rules” looks glorious on all sorts of levels!

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Apparently, Lisa has a swan who’s not feeling well. I love her love for animals, and hope Hankie is feeling better!

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SURver/hostess meeting. The old-school servers aren’t happy that Richardson from Villa Blanca is there to give them a “You’re supposed to be friendly when you wait tables” pep talk. Richardson offers to make Katie’s babies. God bless restaurants.

Schwartz shows up to a store named Rubber Ducky for a modeling shoot with two women as that not-Taylor-Swift’s-“You Belong with Me” Vanderpump background music plays and Schwartz confessionals that modeling is the best job because he works with beautiful women. But then he basically is like, “Though I luv Katie 4eva,” and proceeds to use the word “clutch” as an adjective, then wildly mix metaphors to an impressive degree.

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James and Kristen sit next to a pool. He goes from assuring Kristen her he loves her and only has sex with her, to telling the camera that he had great sex with Jenna, but loves Kristen, and in the spirit of this show, I literally can’t even, so let’s move on…

…to Lisa talking further to Scheana and Katie about expecting better from them than the Regina George/Gretchen Weiner act. She’s caught off guard when she realizes that Scheana’s personal issues go way beyond normal Vanderpump drama. Scheana does say she’ll apologize and make it right, which is something I truly admire about Scheana – she’s a confident diva, but totally humble when the occasion calls for it

Tom & Ariana’s apartment. A two-second nod is given to Sandoval’s music until once again, the Kristen/Jax Couch of Foot Sex comes into play, this time as they bring it downstairs to give to Faith. They carry the couch while she sits on it which is actually kind of impressive, then urge her to steam clean it, ‘cause, “dried semen.”

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Unfortunately(?), no one yelled, “PIVOT!”

Lala joins Jax in the back alley and compares SUR’s lady politics to dodgeball. Jax calls the girls bullies and says they run people off. Lala confessionals that she’s a girls’ girl and would rather hang out with them, but the girls are giving her no choice but to befriend the dudes. Jax does that thing where he acts all cagey about the girl he’s currently banging to the girl he wants to bang in the future. Lala says she’s been single for three years and is hung up on her ex.

Scheana & Shay’s place. Aw, cute kitties on the bed. Ariana shows up and Scheana spills her heart, saying that she and Shay have issues and she’s become jaded to the idea of marriage. She breaks down, and clearly feels helpless and scared that she can’t make Shay happy, who is instead self medicating, turning to drinking and away from Scheana.

Ariana confessionals that she hasn’t heard all of this, because she hasn’t seen as much of Scheana lately, due to drawing boundaries over the Kristen issue. It worries her that Scheana puts on a happy face when she’s not, but Scheana cries that she doesn’t want to burden others, and that she’s so lonely in her place, surrounded by all her wedding pictures, even if she does have a super-pretty pink headboard. The last part is my own editorial; I’m enamored with it:

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But I feel incredibly bad for Scheana, and just want to scoop her up and take her out for ice cream. Or Fireball. Or both! She awesomely pulls off her fake eyelashes in a very humanizing bit of offhand frustration, while questioning whether she jumped into things, and what she should do now. God, I feel so much empathy for her here! This isn’t the most snarkworthy episode ever, that’s for sure.

SUR. Lisa innocently asks James how he is, so he lets her know that he and Kristen are in a “bad patch,” which I’m just going to go ahead and assume is a euphemism. She’s basically like “Will you break up with her already,” and seriously. I don’t blame James for being upset after experiencing/watching the Sandoval Obsession and in Vanderpumpian terms 1,000% had his back last season, but cut it off, don’t cheat and then keep Kristen around. It’s not just mean; it’s unsanitary.

Schwartz and Scheana go to a jewelry designer for Katie’s engagement ring! Yay! Scheana shows the designer Katie’s demands for the ring, and I don’t understand half this list!

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Sandoval makes awesome “Better you than me, man” face.

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Oh and Scheana said she’s seen Schwartz in a Modelo commercial “like 17 times” this past week, and he can swing it! Wow that’s awesome, go Schwartz! And can I just hand it to Scheana again – this is obviously hard for her, but Schwartz would never know; she’s 100% there with enthusiasm for him and by extension, Katie.

Schwartz chugs his champagne in real time and confessionals that he’s ready. Awesome. I dig Schwartz and Katie and think those two crazy kids can make it work! Scheana discusses needing to update her wedding bands, which transitions to the Toms’ asking after Shay. Scheana admits to crying hysterically and isn’t as vulnerable as she was with Ariana earlier, but she’s also not pretending. She does change the subject though, clearly in order to keep things upbeat and about Schwartz and Katie. They cheers to its being “about [bleeping] time.”

SUR bar. Jax pulls a cork out of a bottle with his teeth. Scheana needs a Pump ‘n Glory, which Scheana accuses Jax of not knowing how to make. Jax is like Nuh-uh, then lists the ingredients and that drink sounds incredible TOO!

The beginnings of James & Lala, as James gives her a random hug and asks if she likes “fucking people’s boyfriends.” I mean, I guess as far as pickup lines go, it’s not the worst one I’ve heard on this show…James says he doesn’t cheat on his girlfriend (except for that one time), but he’ll be her friend, and not to sweat the girl drama. Lala confessionals that James isn’t her type, but there’s something about him — maybe the accent. I know these confessionals are edited out of chronological order and respect that right away in response to James’s *question*/pickup line, Lala was like, “No.”

Scheana is waitressing, but then sits down to talk to Lisa after closing out her last table. Peter brings Lisa tea, and that is all we see of Peter this evening :( Scheana lays it all out for Lisa, that problems started around Christmas – Shay’s drinking increased, and way worse, he’s mixing pills with alcohol. She says at the peak of it all, he was taking five Vicodins a day and still drinking, and Lisa looks understandably troubled. Scheana says she feels like she’s been cheated on, because it’s this whole other secret part of his life that he hid from her. “I just never saw myself here,” she says in conclusion and her disappointment is so palpable and I start to cry for her; only on a shallow note, I wish that when I cried I looked half as put together and non-blotchy as Scheana!

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They flash back to Scheana and Shay at the wedding episode that I just rewatched whilst laid up with my sprained ankle, and it’s so sad. Scheana confessionals that she doesn’t know if they can get through this. I hope you can, guys <3

~ THE END ~

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In His Space, With His Things

It’s been nearly 24 years since we said goodbye to my Pop-Pop.

“He really was my hero,” my Nanny sobbed, as we rested next to his place of rest.

23 years later, we laid her next to him.

One year later, I’m still not handling it well, at all.

I guess that’s how it goes.

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Avocado-Slicing Wisdom, At 40

At 29, I got sort-of stood up; a guy I was talking to on (AGE ALERT!) Myspace and AIM wasn’t feeling well on the night we were supposed to go to dinner.

When we eventually did go out, it was after a frantic day of shopping at…God, I don’t even know. Some Long Island superstore before Walmarts and Targets were ubiquitious, and that wasn’t National Wholesale Liquidators or Caldor.

Despite my best efforts, it was clear he wasn’t attracted to me. And that is fine. I was way overweight, then. Youngish and pretty in the face and hair? Sure! Proportionate, and attractive to some? Yeah!

But not to this guy. And I got upset about it, which was so…not his problem. And is such a distancing spot in my life’s rearview mirror (no offense to him at all!).

If I could go back in time to tell myself one thing and if I could share one piece of advice with in-real-time young ladies, it would be that the person you want to be attracted to you, won’t be, every time. And that’s okay. If you feel bad (like I did) because you know you could change your body, do it! Or not. It’s okay either way <3

Better yet, do what I did after that date: Slice some avocadoes; whip up some nachos, and binge-watch awesome television, for as long as it takes to remind yourself that it’s really all right to be alone, for now or otherwise.

In 2005, that meant “That 70s Show” and “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” TV on DVD was scarce; I couldn’t even get a phone signal in my basement apartment, and it just wasn’t our brave new world, so Nick at Nite it was!

I eventually shed most of the aforementioned pounds. And despite how it looked like it was going to go for quite awhile there, my romantic existence has been way less catastrophic in my 30s and (Oo boy) 40s.

Still. Things don’t feel entirely right, and now that I’m entering a decade that will never-not sound “old” to me, there is no choice but to try to find a different angle from which to see. Clearly, even a good relationship is not that dangled carrot.

So to quote Alanis once again, “How ‘bout?” ‘Bout what, I’m not sure, but I’m actually kind of looking forward not to dying, but to becoming an old lady. No one gets out alive, right? I want to enjoy the ride <3

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Imagining Imogen

You may never have or hold a child

You will learn to lose everything

We are temporary arrangements

~ Alanis

When I was 16, I had so many names, for all of the seven children that I was definitely going to have. We did that egg experiment to teach you what it’s like to care for a child. My health teacher knew how much I wanted to be a mother; heck, I padded my belly for Career Day, no joke! I was going to marry my high-school boyfriend at 22, and then proceed to have aforementioned seven children.

So my health teacher gave me “triplets.” When my classmate kidnapped Emily Rose, I was devastated, even moreso when I found her hanging by a noose in my locker.

Then high-school boyfriend and I broke up, and in general, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans” had its way with me.

I got back on track, even got married at a “reasonable” age when I was 27. But babies? Not so much.

Two weeks ago, I turned 40-freaking-years old, and my womb worries.. And I know I’m not alone. If I’m feeling this at 40, so are others.

And here we all are. I’ll probably have a boy if I do have a baby, because that’s how my family rolls!

But if it’s a girl, her name is Imogen. I’d not appreciated the name until realizing that there is no closer word to my favorite concept: Imagination <3

If she existed, her nickname could be Immy or Genny – both cute. In the meantime, I’d raise this fictional daughter to question, to hope, to believe…

…to imagine.

Dunno if I’ll get a baby in the first place , never mind a pre-named kid full of purpose.

For now, I’d like to dream of a child that may never be mine, but will inspire others with her hopeful name, and beautiful purpose <3

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Vanderpump Rules: S1, Ep6: Caught With Your Trousers Down

As I just started watching “Vanderpump Rules” this past season (three), there is a Lot To Learn, regarding backstory to which I simply don’t have current access. So while I’ve seen the three Season One eps that are preciously hoarded on my DVR, it’s been a couple of months at this point since I’ve watched this glorious show, and mostly know Season Three. Therefore, I’m anticipating quite the wild ride.

Previously! On “Vanderpump Rules”:

Katie in a really cute bob haircut totally lays it out for Stassi that someone (not sure who) just wanted to get in Stassi’s pants, and Stassi is like:

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Stassi celebrates one of her notorious birthdays, and Katie says “Spare me” in a shoutout to my family. Glasses are clinked; limos are ridden; and Stassi makes out with a dude I don’t recognize. Damn, I’m going to miss her now that she’s (SPOILER) not on the show anymore.

Hahahah people are dressed in fancy outfits and throwing drinks at each other and I am literally LOLing at 9 am and man I have missed this show in the majorest of ways. And this is just the previouslies!

If I elaborate on all the Stassi drama alone, we’ll be here all week. Suffice it for now to say that there are tears, and Jax you’ll be happy to know is having the best sex he’s had in a long time with that girl Laura Leigh who went on to be in “We’re the Millers.” Oh sorry: SPOILER!

Credits! And I know this is an absolutely terrible picture on myriad levels, but I can’t chance things, because: a) my phone is at 24% and I left the charger at my parents’ house; b) how much does Stassi look like Carmen Electra here?

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Jax and Tom bartend; Kristen and Katie waitress; and Lisa owns the room.

Kristen confessionals that Lisa wants all of them to pursue their dreams, and we see clips of SURvers running lines, Scheana singing, Tina modeling, Sandoval playing guitar with Lisa’s son Max, and Jax running into a glasses ad he’s in whilst in a glasses store. Peter produces a movie starring people from SUR.

Stassi is working on her fashion column for Lisa and Pandora’s website (Pandora as in Lisa’s daughter, not the music site), and some dude in flip-flops drinks a beer while having a conversation with Stassi and acting “Hey hey, sports fans!” to an extreme level that I did not know was possible. Then I guess someone cues him to suddenly switch from bitching about Stassi’s mess to feigning interest in her “blog,” as he calls it. She snipes back that “It’s not a blog,” and whatevs; self-loathing that term is so 2007. And NOW she is further testing my patience by saying people on blogs just upload whatever they write and “don’t even reread it!” While even proofreaders need proofreaders, Stassi if that were true, “whatevs” would have remained autocorrected as “wharves!”

Anyway. I do really like her dress, and we are at 505 words and four minutes in, so let’s keep moving…

…to Lisa’s house in Beverly Hills! “Melanie, SUR publicist,” Lisa, and Ken discuss having a happy hour until Ken drops the bomb that Jax and Laura Leigh were caught having sex on camera. Melanie says that as their publicist, she has to say that “It’s not a good look” and but wait, WHAT’S not a good look? This private conversation about something caught on cameras only they have access to? Whatever, Melanie.

Stassi and Scheana are eating from takeout boxes at SUR. Stassi is salivating, which she helpfully clarifies as being “at the mouth,” and she and Scheana are weirdly nice to each other. Kristen bitches about this and Stassi’s SURver negligence overall to Peter who is managing, and obviously not pleased to have to choose between listening to Kristen and reprimanding Stassi.

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Takami, a sushi bar, where Jax and Laura Leigh fittingly have sex in the bathroom and we unfortunately are treated to *sounds.* Jax confessionals that he loves that Laura Leigh is a freak and they have a gross IRL conversation about not being able to keep their hands off of each other. Jax is down with her calling him attractive, but starts to get nervous as her crazy train starts veering off the rails and she all but proclaims her love for him.

Spinning class. Kristen confessionals that there’s a lot of pressure to be the hottest girl at SUR and they all work out five days a week. In real time, she and Katie discuss Stassi, and Katie says “between her and I.” Not sure what this particular drama is even about, but apparently Stassi is mad at both of them.

SUR. Laura Leigh and Jax contrivedly bartend together and Lisa needs to talk to both of them about their sex in the bathroom. Jax makes his patented “I’m innocent” face:

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But the best part is watching Laura Leigh get all method actress and ask “What are you talking about?” while Lisa is like, “Please, children.”

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No wait! The best part is Laura Leigh indignantly responding, “We had sex at Takami!” 

On a serious note, Lisa dismisses Laura Leigh and tells Jax that Laura Leigh is fragile, and she doesn’t want Jax messing with her heart.

Stassi’s apartement. Katie arrives with two bottles of white wine, and they talk it out. What “it” is, I’m not sure, but they cry and hug.

SUR. Joey whom I don’t know is replacing Frank whom I don’t know, so while hearing the tale of Frank getting sent home is fairly interesting, there is little emotional resonation.

Ohhh, okay. Frank is Stassi’s preppy boyfriend, and is now pulling up to SUR in a convertible (natch) with Stassi. He’s getting fired on the same day she’s going to introduce him to her parents. Lisa is a total class act when she fires him, explaining that this is not the first incident, and then says she wants to hear his side of it. But he doesn’t play along and I don’t blame Lisa for her choice to call it a day with him. I think if he’d been polite and apologized, she’d have let him off with just a warning or a suspension at worst.

Stassi’s parents’ house. They drink vodka and find out that Frank’s now unemployed. They laugh at the story, and he goes on to complain that their daughter has “pretty girl syndrome” and asks him to do too much for her. Then Stassi’s parents make fun of Stassi for being homely in high school. Stassi says she got a chin implant and it changed her life, but they show pictures of her in high school, and she was NOT homely. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not anti-plastic-surgery if it makes someone feel better about him-/herself! And she is gorgeous now too. I’m just saying that I feel bad she thought that about herself, back then.

Kristen and Katie are on a double date with their Toms, which is weird to see since I’m used to Kristen pining for hers. They are at a place called Home, which I guess is some kind of outdoor diner/brunch/whatever place, because Schwartz gets a giant pancake that he calls “sexy,” but elsewhere on the table, there are sweet potato fries. Katie confessionals that it sucks that Jax and Stassi broke up, because now they can’t all hang out together anymore. That does suck.

Meanwhile, Kristen gets a call, then shares the news that Frank got fired and everyone is like :o

Wait, actually I have no idea what’s going on with the food, because now Schwartz appears to be eating a giant burrito and I don’t see the pancake anywhere. Where is Nate the Great when you need him?

GORGEOUS sunset that makes me wish a little tiny bit that I lived in California. 

Stassi’s apartment. She does her nails, and I think it’s interesting she does her own nails. She basically asks Frank what he’s going to do for work now. Frank amazingly says, “I made the decision to get fired.” Then they start talking about Stassi’s parents, and Frank essentially says Stassi and her mom are both bossy divas. They go back and forth and back and forth and omg can these two please break up already? Worst couple ever.

Back from commercial, Stassi is now crying outside. Then he goes to leave and she’s like, “Don’t walk away from me!” and calls him a dick and bipolar and an asshole. Then he says he’s questioning whether he should dump her or not. He drives away and Stassi smokes a cigarette and cries.



~ THE END ~

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