Vanderpump Rules: S3, Ep21: Secrets Revealed!

It’s pretty hard to express my level of excitement upon seeing that there is a “new” Vanderpump on my DVR, even if it is never-before scene footage from Season Three. It is something. Thank you Bravo; I was starting to get the shakes!

Andy Cohen, host of “Watch What Happens Live” tells us over clips that tonight Lisa and the gang of misfits (?) at SUR will be revealing all, as we see two bare male asses and Schwartz hilariously lamenting, “I saw Jax’s dick.”

Shay sings to Scheana! Vail rejects Peter! The boys get vitamin injections! Katie grows a spine! Jax loses the ability to lie convincingly! It’s all happening tonight, again, some more! And I’m stoked.

We flash all the way back to the reunion that just aired. Jax agrees that he says I love you to a lot of women, considering he’s such a commitment-phobe, and Lisa gets understandably creeped out by Jax’s tattooing names and faces of his exes all over his body.

Cut to a tattoo/piercing place. Jax is there with Sandoval to get Carmen’s name on his forearm covered up, and says that it’s not his first coverup. He used to have Stassi’s name, which got turned into a rose. Now he needs to cover up the Carmen tattoo because it made Tiffany (his girlfriend who hooked him up with a sweet suite in San Diego only to get cheated on when Jax had sex with some random in the bathroom) cry. Sandoval laughs and laughs at Jax’s having to cover up a tattoo he’s only had for a month, whilst dressed like the sun.


Jax confessionals that he has not, in fact, learned his lesson about getting girls’ names tattooed on his body. Tom is flabbergasted that Jax would get Carmen’s name tattooed on him if he wasn’t even that into her. Apparently Jax lost some bet with Carmen where he had to buy her some pair of shoes, and by getting the tattoo instead, Jax was saving $700 dollars. I can’t even, with that price tag for shoes, so let’s just move on. He covers it up with a flower, and it hurts.

Reunion. Kristen claims to have moved on from Sandoval, as we flash back to James’s apartment. He’s upset that Kristen remembers her breakup anniversary more than her and James’s dating anniversary. He wants her to get rid of her and Sandoval’s photos together, and delete Sandoval as much as possible from her life. Kristen hurts my heart by saying “photos of he and I,” and goes through the folder of pics, deleting Sandoval ones. She then confessionals that she does understand James’s frustration, but Sandoval still was her best friend for six years and they spent every day together. Crazy antics aside and as much as I think James seems awesome, that part I really do get. After cropping Sandoval out of one pic because she looks really hot in it, Kristen permanently deletes the rest of the photos, then smiles really sweetly at James and says “Skeletons gone.” Aw, I liked this scene.

Reunion. Andy asks Lisa if she plans to add any more restaurants here, or if she’s good with the existing three (Villa Blanca, Pump, and SUR). She says that’s enough, and we flash back to Pump’s pre-opening test run. Peter, Katie, Jen (apparently a SURver) Stassi, Ariana, and Stassi’s Mom (has got it going on!) sit at a table. Lisa says they are going to be her guinea pigs. The restaurant looks very pretty, outside with cool trees all around!


Ariana confessionals that in her experience, restaurant test runs are usually giant shitshows. Sure enough, we see the POS system having problems, which is always a total nightmare for everyone working, and the people at the aforementioned tables complaining that it’s been a long time and they are very hungry. In the end, they get their food and say it was definitely worth the wait. Lisa thanks them for their patience and they thank her for the dinner.

Reunion. Andy asks if Peter and Vail ever hooked up. Why weren’t they at the reunion in the first place? Scheana heard they made out, and sure enough, we see footage of them kissing :o Andy says Peter struggled with the ladies this season, as we flash back to Peter’s apartment. Stassi, Kristina, and Katie show up with a birthday cake they made for him and ask about his love life. He says he met a girl but can’t remember her name. She’s in his phone as “Blond Chick.” Turns out her name is Sarah, which Peter finds out when he calls and asks her out for “a drink or some food.”

Then Sarah’s like, “Well I am seeing someone, but I’m…always looking for friends,” and Stassi’s reaction makes me LOL:


Peter’s like um okay, and Stassi awesomely confessionals: “What girls need new guy friends that look like Peter?” 


Flashback to Sandoval’s apartment, where Schwartz talks about his latest modeling job, and says that Sandoval is his modeling muse. There’s some hilarious back and forth of confessionals and Sandoval and Schwartz doing all their modeling poses that Sandoval’s named as if they were yoga poses or Phoebe’s guitar chords. Schwartz and Ariana tease Sandoval a bit, and it’s actually really cute :-D

Flashback to SUR, where Jax is going out for a phone break in the alley. Some dude is rolling silver, and Katie is there too. Jax gives her a big apology for being a douche. Katie’s not even trying to hear it, because she knows he’s trying to cover his ass after cheating on Tiffany in San Diego. Jax makes that Very Sincere Surprised face that lets you know he’s probably lying and says he didn’t cheat. He finally walks away in defeat and Katie rolls her eyes.

Flashback to Jax surprising Sandoval and Schwartz with vitamin injections. That sounds really awesome to me, but Schwartz is scared and confessionals in a blue cowboy shirt/peasant blouse that he’s scared.

Ha! Sandoval tells the doctor he’s going to troll Schwartz, then starts yelling in fake pain from behind the closed door. In the waiting room, Schwartz looks terrified, and it is hilarious :-D Sandoval keeps limping and gasping in pain and generally acting like me after a waitressing shift. He says it’s fun to bully Schwartz once in awhile, and Jax jokes that he doesn’t know whether Schwartz is more afraid of needles or marrying Katie.




I’m totally feeling Schwartz’s pain as he waits for his injection. Not the needle part, I’m fine with those. But I’m pretty terrified of heights, and he looks like how I felt when I first got on the Batapult at Cave of the Winds after losing my religion on the ropes course, right down to the in-labor teeth breathing. So I do feel really bad for him, but it’s still hilarious to watch Jax and Sandoval laughing at him, and Sandoval warning him to make sure there’s no air bubbles in the liquid, or he’ll die.

Whoa, Schwartz then compares it to skydiving, after he gets through it and feels so relieved. I’m proud of you, Schwartz!

Reunion. Scheana says the only thing marriage has really changed for her and Shay is her name, and that life is happier and more blissful. Flashback to Scheana seeking Lisa’s help for Shay and her dad’s lack of rhythm. When Scheana mentions that her dad’s in his 50s, Lisa awesomely goes: “Excuse me, I’m in my 50s, and I was on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ It nearly killed me!” 

Cut to Scheana, Arianna, Shay, and Ron (Scheana’s dad) at Gleb’s dance studio. Gleb is Lisa’s partner from DwtS, and apparently very sexual. They all seem to be having fun, and then Scheana in a confessional sums up in one line everything that is amazing about this show and Scheana herself:

“I gotta twerk a little on my wedding day. I mean, obvi.

Reunion. Andy asks Schwartz why he thinks so many women still fall for Jax. He says it’s because Jax is really good at telling people what they want to hear, including Schwartz himself. Then he TOTALLY blushes when Jax says he loves Schwartz the most.

We flash back to an ep I didn’t see where they are all randomly in…a sauna? A sushi place? Really confused as to what this room is. But anyway, Jax has a bunch of girls in his phone as descriptions, not names, and says that he’s sexted multiple girls at once. And that one time, one of those women turned out to be his mother by accident.

Flashback to Miami, where they are all getting along, drunk on the beach, and swimming. Jax and Sandoval decide to skinny dip, and we see two rather lengthy shots of their bare asses, considering this is on Bravo. Jax laments that this year, only the guys are skinny dipping, whereas on past trips, it’s been girls.

Okay, I thought maybe we were going to get some answers about that confusing room everyone was in earlier. They show the building, and it’s named “Dream.” A clue! But then we get inside; the guys are gone, and the girls are drinking champagne while carving zucchini penises. I know it’s a coed bachelor/bachelorette party, but I’m still super confused about what this room is supposed to be.

Flashback to when Kati and Stassi were still friends and went on the J.D. Luxe fashion truck, which is apparently a thing in LA. You can buy dresses and jewelry, and hopefully no one traps you inside and kidnaps you.

They shop around and it does look like fun. Katie picks up a bra and says, “Oo, this one is really sexy too. It goes like, over the boobs,” and while I agree that it’s a sexy bra, I have absolutely no idea what that second part means.

Stassi says that while she loves the cute dresses, her favorite part of the trucks is that they have “so much great jewelry,” and it appears that Stassi has bought all of it and put it on at the same time.


Flashback to Lisa and her remarkable cleavage holding a meeting at “Fig & Olive” with a restaurant consultant named Todd. She wants to make sure she’s keeping her staff on its toes, and we flash even further back to a secret diner returning her “too sour” drink to Stassi, who cracks me up when she responds, “That’s probably because Jax made it.”


Todd’s going to be the secret diner tonight! He gets a drink from Jax and Ariana, then is seated by Vail, and waited on by Kristen. It’s bizarre to go from so many off-shift staff shenanigans to them all being so professional and gracious. Then Todd finds a hair on his plate. Kristen handles it well, but starts to get a little annoyed when she serves him a fresh new dish and he just wants dessert and doesn’t even want her to wrap up the new meal.

I guess time passes, because now Todd’s sitting down with Lisa and hands her a giant-ass binder, of which she is naturally terrified. “What could be in this manuscript?” she wonders. Then she basically rejects all his advice.

Flashback to a pizza party and Sandoval’s house. Scheana and Katie bicker about whether or not Scheana’s *allowed* to be friends with Kristen. Scheana says “Not everyone sucks Stassi’s asshole like you do, Katie.” I actually like all three ladies in different ways, but am with Scheana on this one completely. People like Stassi might enjoy having ladies in waiting, but IMO don’t really respect pushovers that much. Even Schwartz agrees with Scheana! Katie confessionals that she wants Schwartz to have her back more (DRINK!), and maybe it’s spliced in from a time she’s actually referring to Jax drama, which is more understandable. But I in no way think Schwartz is obligated to have her back over this nonsensical beef that occurred hours earlier in the club. Katie starts freaking out and gesticulating wildly, ranting about I don’t even know what. She storms out, all while Schwartz eats a slice of pizza in the kitchen and completely misses her departure, only to realize quite awhile later and everyone laughs at him :-D

Flashback to the night of Scheana and Shay’s wedding, post-reception. Shay’s written a song for Scheana that he’s performing with Sandoval and “Ryan.” He gets a line or two in, then is like “I can’t do this,” but it’s hard to tell if it’s because he feels too drunk, too shy, or both. Everyone encourages him to try again, and he ends up singing a song about how he and Scheana “will take this world by storm.” Everyone looks genuinely happy for them, and Scheana beams away and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still currently a little choked up. This freaking show, man.


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Vanderpump Rules: The Season 3 Finale Recap!

What you need to understand about “Vanderpump Rules” is that I had nothing to prepare me for it. There was no gateway drug. I never watched one episode of “Real Housewives.” Since my torrid love affair with the “Ashley Parker Angel” show, et al. back in ’05, the only reality show I’ve really watched since is “Survivor,” which IMO doesn’t count.

Naturally, I was like “Ugh, what is this nonsense?” upon seeing Kristen “pick up her mail” from Tom Sandoval’s house and get all dramatic. Not even sure why Bravo was on that day I fatefully turned on the television. But damn if I didn’t watch the rest of the marathon, then all the back eps I could find on demand.

This show is so strangely and powerfully addictive and it’s like, don’t think you can withstand the magic, because you barely get a second to look away from this abyss before it swallows you alive and next thing you know, you are sitting in ladybug PJ pants and a novelty sweatshirt on a sunny Saturday afternoon, writing about this shitshow. This wonderful, glorious shitshow. Please, Bravo. Sate us all and air Seasons One and Two this summer <3

For now, it’s all about the Season Three finale, which opens with “Previously this season, on ‘Vanderpump Rules’”:

They held a car wash, danced at clubs, kissed each other, and wore white in a photo shoot. Lisa said they were acting like trash. They danced on a boat, Scheana in a sailor hat, Sandoval in the outfit I wore to Adventureland in 1989, had I subbed out the shorts for a Speedo.


Fights break out! “Young and the Restless” Vail becomes a hostess! She and Jax flirt in the storyline that ended not with a literal or figurative bang, but a whimper! Scheana invites Katie to her wedding, and whilst wearing a turban, breaks the news to Stassi who is dressed like Hillary Clinton after raiding Cleopatra’s tomb! Katie wins hearts ‘round the world when she tells “betrayed” Stassi to Shut the *bleep* up! Scheana wears a crop-top wedding dress! Tom Schwartz is a cheater no he isn’t yes he is! He tries to skirt marriage for the time being by giving Katie a ring on a gold chain, and she proceeds to say “ring on a string” 70 billion times! Lisa counsels Katie! Tom Sandoval sobs into his cigarette as Kristen licks her lips in satisfaction! James can’t take any more of Kristen’s obsession, gets drunk at Scheana’s wedding, and Kristen punches him in the face! Scheana squeezes one last bit of “My Wedding” out of the situation, as her voice turns into a dog whistle, and Vail desperately clings for Vanderpump relevancy in the background!


Oooo, Lisa is tired of Kristen’s bullshit and she’s fired! A girl who went to my brother’s alma mater high school shows up in “Road Rules” Rachel’s lip gloss, insisting that yes she and Sandoval did so have sex in Miami, while Sandoval screams no they didn’t! People talking about the truth coming out! Sandoval like Schwartz makes his cheating Jax’s fault ‘cause he keeps *ratting them out*! Jax says in front of Scheana that yes 100%, Sandoval had sex with Miami girl. Kristen looks around in satisfaction like, “Now everyone will like me!” even though that crazy train departed a long time ago, but I hope it helps that WE love you on our televisions, Kristen!

Opening credits! What I love most about VP credits is that they’re like “Degrassi’s,” when they still had them. Jax, Sandoval, and Ariana are bartenders; Scheana, Katie, and Kristen are waitresses! Stassi and Schwartz don’t work! Lisa is a dragon goddess that you don’t want to cross and looks gorgeous at all times, this particular one in a purple satin dress! Group shot, and now we’re finally starting the finale!

Lisa talks to Tommy Garcia the photographer in the parking lot of a really cool pink motel, named thusly. She’s using it for her latest photo shoot, and I really do think Lisa puts on amazing displays, whether it’s a parade or a photo shoot. This time, she’s going for a ‘50s theme. I like that even though she’s done the bathing suit thing, even that was artistic, and she doesn’t just do the bathing suit thing.

Lisa describes her vision to Tommy while looking every bit as stunning in a plain white tee and jeans as she did in the purple dress. Oh and I just noticed the pink in the ends of her hair! I love Lisa so much, but will try to stop gushing because we have a photo shoot to get to!

There’s a pink convertible on set — not sure if that’s always there at the hotel or brought in just for the occasion, but it’s all really cool, visually. The gang arrives to get ready, and Jax says the hotel is like “Bates Motel meets Miami in the ‘50s.”

As they get made up, Katie informs Scheana that Stassi is still not talking to her, and confessionals that she and Stassi are moving apart — Stassi is learning to embrace her hatred, and Katie’s learning to let hers go. I freaking love Katie. Oh and whoa. To say that big necklaces are back would appear to be an understatement:


So to speak. Because apparently, “statement necklaces” are a thing. Much like bandage dresses, I have no idea when this happened. Why are they statement necklaces? This is what happens when I skip the gym and don’t read Cosmo on the elliptical.

Scheana and Katie discuss whether Schwartz will ever propose while looking amazing in no makeup. Scheana shuts Jax down when he poo poos marriage. Scheana and Jax’s friendship is one of my favorite parts of the show. The Jaxes of this world need female friends who don’t sleep with them and who call them on their shit.

Katie stuffs her shirt and apparently “Dani, SUR server” exists, because there she is, skateboarding in a bikini. As people…did in the ‘50s?

Jax shaves. Sandoval talks about his head shape and Clinique bronzer. Lisa calls the girls out of the motel/dressing room and while they all look beautiful, Katie looks SLAMMING. She correctly VOs that the ‘50s are a really good look for her.

And James is the VIP for the boys! They all look good as well, but James is knocking it out of the park with the James Dean thing. Photos are taken, and Jax self-admires his Botox.

They go for a break, and Scheana pulls Sandoval aside to tell him Jax told her Sandoval did indeed sleep with Miami girl. Scheana confessionals that she tries to bring all her friends together, and it causes her a lot of anxiety when they fight, so “thank you Kristen.” Sandoval confessionals that only two days ago, he’d asked Jax not to talk about him to Kristen because bitch be crazy. Somehow this translates into how Jax shouldn’t talk to Scheana either and Sandoval’s cheating magically becomes about Jax who may be a boor, but I personally think gets dumped on, personal-responsibility-wise. While he may lie a lot and be an opportunistic friend oftentimes, where you put your penises truly are your own individual responsibilities. IMHO!

OT: Are Jax and Sandoval in a Parisian cafe in this flashback?


Anyway, Sandoval sulks and says Jax is a liar. Scheana thinks Jax has actually been on “more of a truth kick” this year. Sandoval’s mad because this gives Kristen “ammo,” and I love how Kristen is this season’s Vanderpump Big Bad. Sandoval disagrees vehemently with Scheana on the truth kick, and can’t believe he has to do yet another awkward photo shoot where he’s mad at Jax. We flash back to a different photo shoot that I didn’t have the pleasure of witnessing yet. Scheana’s like, well he’s your BFF. Sandoval says he’s not and Scheana responds, “Whatevs.”

Lisa calls everyone back to the set and has donned cat’s-eye-but-not, pink-rimmed sunglasses. Of course she wants “just the two guys” for the next shot; i.e., Jax and Sandoval. I love this show.

Costume/set change! The whole SUR gang’s there, not just the main cast, and are working bathing suits into the equation via ‘50s beach movie.

They go to the dressing room for touchups, and complain that it’s hot. Scheana brings up her dinner with Jax, Rachel, and Kristen (wherein Jax said Tom slept with Miami girl). Ariana gets all pissy and says “I can not be talking to somebody while he’s *bleeping* somebody.” Which from what I hear about Paris Hilton’s sex tape, is incorrect. Then she says that FaceTime wouldn’t work in Sandoval’s (Miami) room.

Oh honey.

Scheana reminds Ariana that Sandoval cheated with Ariana on Kristen and didn’t ‘fess up for years. She just doesn’t want Ariana to be naive. Ariana hilariously replies, “I am the least naive person on this planet.” Then even more awesomely goes on to say “I’m smarter than every *bleeping* person I’ve ever met in my life.” Then Scheana’s like, do you 100% believe with all your heart that he didn’t cheat? Ariana replies in the affirmative, and Scheana really sweetly says okay, that’s the last she’ll bring it up. Scheana’s my favorite; I just love her sassiness and even more, how she really does seem to put her friends’ happiness above her own. She says “I love you” and beams at Ariana, who replies “I love you too.”

Establishing shots show us we’re changing locations to Schwartz, who’s gone back to his and Katie’s couples therapist on his own. I really admire that. In my own way, I actually like all the guys on this show, but Schwartz seems like the kindest one. He sits on the couch wearing Mr. Rogers couture and Carol Seaver glasses, and admits he’s terrified to get married, that the idea of being with one person for the rest of his life sounds so bad to him. He confessionals that it scares him — “How do you know?” that you won’t be one of the 50% to get divorced?

Photo shoot. Lisa confessionals that the kids should “take a page out of that book,” as in the pre-sexual revolution ‘50s. Hee. They’re now doing a “Grease” thing with the whole group next to/on/in the pink convertible. This seriously despite the heat looks like so much fun.

They break so that Tom can pull Jax aside to confront him about “ratting.” Jax is predictably stammery, making that face little kids make when they’re trying to lie to you and practically go cross eyed furrowing their brow in faux confusion. Arianna wanders up looking like Lucille Ball in her underwear and wants to join the conversation of which she’s a subject. Jax walks away and we get scene 1, 082 about Miami girl and how Jax is a liar, and Tom and Arianna are the most In Love Couple of all time 4eva.

Vail flirts with Peter, which was already old three eps ago, and the gang goes back to work for the last shot. Lisa has changed into a strapless black lace dress for the occasion, and they pose in front of the Pink Motel sign. “That’s a wrap!”


Guess who’s back, back again! Stassi, the OG SUR Queen Bee! She’s dressed in a flowing white dress, and in a confessional talks about how she thought maybe she blew it with Lisa last time, seeing as how she talked about stealing Lisa’s liquor and drinking on the clock, then told Lisa off. Her boobs look HUGE in this confessional, by the way. She recently took off the post-SUR weight she’d gained, but I think she looks amazing with it on. Anyway, Lisa’s called Stassi down in order to 1) chide her for being mean to Katie, and 2) invite her to the party that night.

“James’ (sic) Apartment.” He and Kristen pick out clothes for the party that he literally begged Lisa to let Kristen attend, we see via flashback. As they have conversation 1,083 about Sandoval and Miami girl, James makes Kristen promise that tonight, no matter how it goes down, will be the last of this nonsense. YES PLZ FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! But keep Kristen on the show!

SUR’s 10th Anniversary Party. Everyone helpfully arrives in order, so that all is happiness and hugs until Kristen walks in, and it is gloriously Scarlett O’Hara arriving to the party despite everyone’s hating her, right down to her red dress. She looks amazing btw. Katie confessionals that it’s kind of sad, what a huge loser Kristen is, as Kristen asks a SUR bartender if he misses her. This is his face in response:


Ariana and Sandoval arrive, so Kristen ignores them and texts/Instagrams away, as Sandoval confessionals that it’s not a party without his number one stalker :-D

Lisa and her husband arrive with their dog, and she asks Shay if he’s knocked Scheana up yet. They’re wearing glo necklaces! Even Lisa Freaking Vanderpump enhances parties with glo jewelry! This is like one of the most validating moments of my life. 

Kristina and Stassi show up. Stassi confessionals that she hopes Jax will be predictably late and she’ll miss him. She is dressed like one of the ladies in the “Addicted to Love” video, plus a cute skirt ruffle and (DRINK!) gigantic gold necklace. Stassi, Kristen, Kristina, and some randoms cheers with shots. Scheana confessionals that Stassi needed to come because she’s unemployed and the party’s open bar. Katie says from her corner that Stassi’s so fake, and Stassi loudly says it’s so weird to see Katie being friends with Scheana. I’m digging Scheana’s fish braid! Kristina says that if Katie really cared, she’d get up and try to talk to Stassi. Wtf, Kristina? Aren’t you supposed to be Katie’s friend too?

Stassi pulls Katie aside to talk to her, while we see Jax arriving :o Lisa offers to buy him a drink, which confuses me because open bar, but I think she’s joking.

Stassi and Katie bicker some more about Katie’s ostensible betrayal. Stassi’s so frustrating. She’s clearly a smart woman, and during arguments like these will appear to soften. But then she says things like “You switched sides!” to Katie. She confessionals that it’s like Katie’s a host body for the Scheana parasite, which is awesome, but also seems like jealous projection to me. She gets up to leave, because this is “too hurtful.” Poor Katie.


But Katie doesn’t need my stinkin’ sympathy, and confessionals in a lacy green dress that she feels bad for Stassi, because she thrives on the animosity that Katie’s learning to let go of.

Back to the party. SUR looks gorgeous. I’m not really into fancy “hot spots,” even back in my 20s when I was a 40-minute train ride to NYC, but SUR is amazing. I totally want to go when I visit California with Josh.

Anyhoo, Vail flirts with Jax while Peter watches. She saunters away, and Peter says to Jax, “No comment at this point,” and they poke their proverbial straws around the LITs that will never be Vail.

Lisa and Kristen talk and Lisa (DRINK!) looks beyond incredible, like an elegant, brunette Jessica Rabbit. Her cranberry dress is paired with a necklace that looks like I’d imagine a hummingbird trap, should such a thing exist. Lisa tells Kristen that if she was truly happy in herself, she wouldn’t care what Tom is doing — “let him go.” And that Kristen should make things right with Tom and Arianna.

Katie returns to Scheana and the gang, telling them what happened, and they call Stassi not only deluded, but also delusional.

Stassi tells Lisa that her talk with Katie didn’t go so well, just as Jax walks into the room. Stassi freaks at the sight of him and says it’s time for her to leave. Lisa admonishes her to not be a baby, but Stassi leaves anyway. Lisa confessionals that facing your problems is the only way to make them go away.

Stassi confessionals that “It’s not like SUR is the hotel in The Shining,” making this the second finale reference to evil hotels/motels. She says it’s the people who are evil. Kristina hugs her goodbye, and Stassi looks around at the place she used to rule and now can’t even be inside of, and walks home.


Back from commercial, the gang gives us a “So long, Stassi” montage, where they say so long to her and:

her jealousy of Scheana

her tiara

her “It’s my birthday!” meltdowns

her corny statement necklaces

her trying to boss Scheana around

It ends with Jax waving bye-bye. Ouch. Personally, I hope to see Stassi again.

Back inside SUR, Kristen and Peter call Vail out on being a cocktease, as Sandoval and Jax go off to have convo 1,084 about Sandoval and the Miami girl. Jax says he never said Sandoval and Miami girl had sex, over clips of him saying exactly that. Then Kristen joins them, much to their obvious delight. Sandoval asks if Jax said he hooked up with Miami girl, and Kristen totally ups this show’s obsession with percents, as he did say that, “a million percent, multiple times.” Then we get flashbacks of Kristen’s denial of “banging Jax” when she was with Sandoval and Jax was with Stassi, before finally admitting to it. Jax yells at her that regardless of this outcome, nobody’s going to like her now! We like her, Jax. But his point is nonetheless valid. They awesomely gaze around at each other, fighting over who’s deflecting, and it’s pretty remarkable how minus Schwartz, it’s like the pool-stick scene in “The Dark Knight,” because it’s a pretty even match regarding everyone’s terribleness, at least in this particular moment.

Then Sandoval yells what might be the most quintessential line in a season full of amazing words:

“Kristen, you burn through friends like Jax burns through *bleeping* condoms!”

Kristen confessional. She finally claims to be done, and hands over the Sandoval Love Torch to Ariana. In real time, she walks away. I really want a red dress like hers. Princess Leia chain necklaces aside, I’m digging the classic yet fun and vibrant dresses this episode.

Sandoval yells at Jax some more, and says a couple of times that he doesn’t know where to go from here, but unfortunately does not burst into song like Buffy. They should SO do a musical ep of “Vanderpump Rules!”

Kristen goes up to Ariana’s table and says she’s said everything she could to both her and Sandoval, so “good luck,” and walks away as Ariana, Katie, and Lisa look mystified.

Sandoval apologizes to Ariana for all of the Kristen nonsense, and then proposes…that she move in with him. Her sweet reaction is the most open I’ve ever seen her look, and it makes me like her more. Sandoval confessionals that a year ago, his life was turned upside down by the two people he cared about most. That really does suck. He goes on to say he’s so thankful to trust someone again, and he’s never had a connection like he does with Ariana. They start to suck face and Lisa awesomely mutters, “This is awkward.” Katie confessionals that she totally (100% or a million, Katie?) is happy for Sandoval and Ariana and hopes they get married, just not before her! Then she and Lisa leave “before Ariana gets pregnant.” Sandoval and Ariana each look happier than I’ve ever seen and I’m happy for them, but thought they already lived together, so am confused.

Oooooo. Awesome pink couch with white lights going across the top. Katie joins Schwartz on it, and they have the same conversation they’ve had all season about marriage, only this time 1) Schwartz compares getting married to hiking Mount Everest, because he’s afraid of marriage just like Katie’s afraid of heights and 2) Katie gives him an ultimatum: six months to figure out what he wants. I feel for both of them; I really do. Katie confessionals that she needs to start looking at the next six months as either the beginning or the end of her and Schwartz’s relationship. In real time, Schwartz cries. In his confessional, he looks absolutely terrified at agreeing to the ultimatum. 

Lisa pours shots from a “Vanderpump”-labeled bottle. Of what I don’t know, but it’s cool regardless. Lisa seems drunk but in a charming way, and gives a weird speech about how short Jax’s porno is going to be. Then she presents a slideshow of pics from the photo shoot, as she confessionals that she has a gorgeous staff, though sometimes she wishes they were more beautiful on the inside.

Scheana confessionals that she can’t believe she’s been working at SUR for four years now. She not only married the man of her dreams, but also “cut some bitches out of (her) life.”

Of course, we can’t assume the Big Bad’s completely down for the count! Kristen rolls her eyes and mock barfs when an actually pretty hot picture of Arianna and Sandoval is shown. Scheana says there’s no need for that, and Kristen says “I give up.” She and James leave, as her voiceover drops f-bombs on Scheana, Jax, and Sandoval. Kristen says she just wants to move on with James, and it’s ABOUT TIME, Kristen. James seems super awesome and he loves you. Let yourself be happy again!

Vail looks phenomenal in a cool cut-out little black dress, beautiful hair more lovely than ever, and seems to be looking for another sex invitation from Jax, but he walks out alone into the night. The editors get an A+ for cutting between a Jax confessional where he waxes philosophical about having no regrets, and his truck in the lot getting towed.


The gang toasts! Lisa talks about how much she loves her group of kids! And it is


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Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep 8: Lonely Hearts

“Lonely Hearts” opens with Sandy and Rhonda in a store, trying on hats and dancing around. Some dude we’ve never seen before peers at them through the window. Sandy finds this charming, not creepy, and beams at him through the window. He recommends via pantomime that she pick a different hat, then walks in and hits on her. His name is Paul, and he asks her out to dinner. They agree to meet at “Angelini’s” at eight.


Dinner. Paul’s wearing a suit and Sandy’s wearing a really cool lacy lavender dress with a green lacy cardigan over it. Sandy looks bored out of her mind and when he asks if “red’s okay,” she says she prefers white. I feel bad for this guy. Despite the weird peering through the window thing, he’s being really nice and trying his best. Sandy’s just acting like a lump.

Melrose Place. Allison comes home and hold onto your seat belts, guys: she’s pissed off. Car trouble! Billy says he’ll take her car shopping. She says she doesn’t have the money, but Billy says “Trust me,” he’ll help her get a loan. Allison gets ice eyes and hilariously responds, “Every time I trust you, something terrible happens.” Damn, that’s cold.

Weird dissolve (I think??) back to Sandy’s date. Paul’s talking about working in the nursery business and Sandy is looking really bored. It seems she only finds him interesting when he’s complimenting her beauty. He asks her about her childhood and she just gives a terse response. When he invites her to Venice Beach to get dessert, she declines. Then he insists on following her home and kisses her, saying he’d really love to go out with Sandy again. Way to read the room, Paul. She keeps turning him down and he keeps asking, then leaves all sad puppy dog. Depressing music plays as she starts to go upstairs, but lo and behold, Jake’s been sitting there the whole time, drinking a beer! They do their flirt-but-not thing. Rhonda comes out to ask for details, and Sandy laughs that she’s living in a building full of voyeurs, and her delivery’s really cute. She tells Rhonda that she’s “kissed walls with more passion.” The scene ends bizarrely, with Jake going “Ouch!” and pulling his hat over his face.


Fantastic. Billy and Allison are shopping in a used-car lot. It’s everything you could dream of and more. Allison finds her dream car, a red convertible, and Billy keeps pulling her around by the arm. She seriously seems like a kidnap victim in a Lifetime movie. Billy makes them leave, since the salesman will only offer Allison $300 for her old car. He suggests she sell it on her own, then go buy the convertible.

Melrose Place. The gang is having a pool party, and Sandy strolls home with beer, chips, and buns. And freaking PAUL is there with red roses. Stalk much, Paul? I really like Sandy’s outfits this ep! Now she’s in a denim/patchy jumper with a yellow sleeveless shirt underneath. She tells Paul she has a lot to do today, but then agrees to walk him to his car. I know it wasn’t written yet in ’92, but Sandy needs a copy of The Gift of Fear in a serious way. She finally tells him she’s just not that into him and he looks all despondent.

Morning. Sandy wakes up to a radio announcer talking about the Santa Ana winds. I feel like I’ve heard more about Santa Ana winds on Spelling shows than in the rest of my life combined. Sandy has one of those phones that I miss, and it is pink!


She gets up to find Rhonda packing for Houston, then goes outside for some air. She looks horrified to see the pool filled with water lilies from Paul, with a note saying he wanted to give her a little taste of home. Michael and Jane are cleaning the lilies out of the pool. I hope Sandy offers to help!

Absolutely riveting scene of Allison trying to sell her “Betsy” to an older lady who knows a lot about cars.

Melrose Place. Sandy complains to Jake that it was easier to date in a small town. I can’t believe that’s true. Jake says she should consider why she’s not giving this guy a chance. No she shouldn’t, Jake! Good Lord, that is terrible advice!

Shooters. Allison and Billy are playing pool and talk about Allison’s car some more. Billy psychoanalyzes Allison’s connection to Betsy and tells her to buy the convertible.

Ugh. Rhonda and Matt are telling Sandy they want to buy PAUL whatever he wants because he donated plants to the halfway house! Why are Sandy’s friends the worst? Why are they encouraging this stalker?! They leave Sandy with Paul and she tries again to get him to see she doesn’t want him, then walks away to work. Jake comes over and Paul tells him it wasn’t all him; when they first met, “she was really friendly” and flirting. He says he’s gotta keep trying and walks away. Sandy thanks Jake, who gets all judgey on Sandy about flirting. She gets understandably pissed off.

Sandy walks home in the dark by herself, while someone follows her. She’s scared, and it doesn’t help to come home to an empty apartment, as Rhonda’s left for Houston. Her answering machine blinks ominously, and of course there are messages from Paul, who creepily calls her “Babe.” The messages start at around two a.m., not helping matters, and Sandy starts to cry. The last message is him saying “Where are you baby?” They’re really disturbing.

Sandy plays the messages for Jake, Jane, and Michael.  She gets upset when Michael doesn’t take it seriously, and storms out.

Cut to Sandy lying in bed, unable to sleep. The phone rings, and it’s actually pretty scary. She just looks at it, face full of fear.

Next day. Jake works on his bike next to the pool again, even though Michael’s asked him not to, while Billy waxes philosophical about cars and relationships. Billy leaves, and Sandy comes home. She tells Jake she went to the police about Paul’s stalking. Jake tells her he will protect her, and Sandy’s grateful.

Another scene of Allison trying to sell her car, this time to a girl in a fast-food uniform. Allison feels guilty about taking the girl’s money and lets her know it’s really not a reliable car.

Night time. Jake walks Sandy to her door, but does not go inside to check to make sure Paul’s not IN there. Sure ‘nuff. Sandy starts yelling that her window is open. Jake goes to look around, and Sandy finds her bed COVERED in roses and rose petals. Then the phone starts ringing. I could do without the car drama, but the A plotline is surprisingly good! She lets the machine pick up, and Paul says he’s working late and thinking of her — the rose petals sticking to her body, her scent mixing with the flowers. Super creepy! Jake picks up the phone and calls Paul a “sick son of a bitch.” Paul hangs up. Jake takes Sandy to his place and tells her to stay inside and lock the door. He’s going to the nursery.

Jake hops a fence to get to the building, which lucky for him is unlocked. He finds Paul leaving another message for Sandy, so he punches him in the face. Then he says that if Paul comes near Sandy again, Jake will kill him.

Jake returns to Sandy and says “He won’t bother you anymore.” Sandy doesn’t seem too worried about what exactly that means. He tells her to stay there tonight.

Ha, so the next scene is Sandy lying down, looking happy. I’m hearing “American Beauty”-esque music and thinking, whoa, sometimes “Melrose Place” was really ahead of its time! But it is Josh listening to Thomas Newman upstairs :-D Anyway, Sandy reminisces over the first time she and Jake met. He looks uncomfortable and tells her to go to sleep.

Next day. Allison’s getting ready to say goodbye to her car and gives a nostalgic monologue that I’m pretty surprised to be getting choked up by. Speaking of getting choked up, Allison lost her virginity in the backseat of the car. She’s sad to say goodbye, but knows it’s time.

Morning. Sandy’s cooking breakfast for Jake and says he is out of grits. Mmm, grits. He looks pleased despite himself, as she forces him to sit down and enjoy. Meanwhile, though she said she made eggs, bacon, and corned beef, all I see on Jake’s plate is one little egg and half a cantaloupe. Here we almost made it through a whole ep without confusing food! Thank you MP, for not disappointing. They look really happy and even though I know Amy Locane’s leaving the show and I remember liking his next girlfriend Jo, I find myself really rooting for Jake and Sandy. This scene makes me legit happy for these two fictional people from 23 years ago.

But oh no! There is a knock at the door! It’s some police, there to ask Jake “a few questions” about punching Paul, who’s lodged a complaint. Jane and Michael come by, all concerned. Michael apologizes and calls Sandy “man.” Jane is wearing every shirt from Tri-County Flea Market in the early ‘90s, somehow combined into one. Sandy says that she’s got to do something about this.

Used car lot. Billy tells Allison she bottles up her feelings, and she calls him an arrogant jerk. Then she says she’s not ready to say goodbye to Betsy, and gets her old car back.

Sandy shows up at the nursery to confront Paul. She tells his boss that he’s a creepy stalker and when Paul tries to get her to pipe down, she says not until Paul drops the charges against Jake. He whines about feeling alone in a big town, and that he loves her. She tells him again, some more, that it’s never going to work between them. She says if he calls or comes near her again, she’s going to the police. He says okay, he’ll leave her alone. She stalks off (so to speak) and he says under his breath that he’s sorry.

Shooters. Jake tells Sandy that Paul dropped the charges and then he offers to walk her home. “You don’t have to,” she says. But HE says “I know. I want to.” Sandy looks super happy.

Melrose Place. Billy sits in the dark watching “Nosferatu” and eating…ice cream with peanut M&Ms on it? Allison wakes up and he explains that this is his ritual — waking up in the middle of the night when he knows there will be a scary movie on, and he’s done it since he was a kid. Aw. Billy is looking extra Tom Sandoval (“Vanderpump Rules”) in this scene. Allison snuggles up next to him and says she loves scary movies. Billy says it’s a primal thing. She retorts that it’s an immature thing, but who’s gonna know? And Courtney Thorne-Smith does some really nice, self-deprecating acting that is much better than it needs to be. She steals Billy’s ice cream, makes it clear that’s as sharey-feely as she’s getting for the night, and they watch the movie.



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Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep7: My Way


Things do not bode well for this ep, as it opens with Sandy auditioning for something that involves screaming. But I will try and keep an open mind, since Sandy’s been growing on me lately. It is made clear that this role is no more than that, and Sandy is very disappointed.

Allison and Billy’s. Allison is dressed like Sigfried and Roy and washing dishes when Billy walks in, shirtless (DRINK!). Turns out his paper went under, so he’s bummed out. He frantically looks for the idea for a story he wrote down on a cocktail napkin, but Allison had cleaned up earlier and thrown it out. Billy gets mad, but it’s not like she threw out a manuscript. Meanwhile, he finds it in the trash can and it looks smudged, but I’m sure he could garner the idea from what’s there. Instead, he stomps around and pouts as Allison leaves for work. He lets the answering machine pick up the ringing phone and looks alarmed to hear his mother reminding him about Palm Springs this weekend.

Jane and Michael’s bedroom. Michael tries to find room for the baby’s crib, but hurts his foot, and Jane takes him to the hospital, despite his protests.

D&D Advertising. Billy shows up to apologize with flowers to Allison, who is very busy. He invites her to Palm Springs for some contrived purpose. The scene ends very strangely, and we go to…

Shooters! Oh God, it’s Jake and Sandy. Sandy looks really nice. She’s toned down her hair color and makeup and it’s working. Rhonda comes in and Joey Tribbianis in reverse, telling Sandy there were no messages only YEAH there was; Sandy got the part! They hug and Jake looks sweetly happy for Sandy.


You know what’s even better than a regular Billy/Allison scene? An overdubbed Billy/Allison scene! Which we get as they drive in Billy’s car that looks like my childhood and they do their bicker-banter. Billy is wearing what I was going to joke are boxer shorts. Then I remembered that it was the early ‘90s, and boxers were my jam! (Though not jams.) My favorite episode of “Major Dad” was where Elizabeth led the Boxer Rebellion in school! However, I don’t even think guys really wore them as clothing back then, but I could be wrong.

Not sure what the postal service did to piss off Bldg. C (Billy’s parents’ place), but the latter is clearly winning this round of psychological warfare:


Allison is horrified that Billy’s sisters won’t be there. Why, I don’t know. It’s not like she’s met them. Allison freaking overreacts to everything and seriously needs to get laid or smoke some weed. Or probably eat more nutrients. Possibly all three.

Oh, and Billy’s told his parents that Allison is his girlfriend.

Rhonda and Sandy’s. Sandy can’t concentrate on her script because Rhonda is playing her music too loud. Rhonda agrees to turn it down and they talk about Sandy’s career. Sorry ladies, but that’s as much as I plan on recapping about this scene, because it’s really boring.

Billy’s parents’. There is intense comedy going on, because as we all now know, they think that Allison is Billy’s girlfriend! And Allison’s resting bitch face becomes active in a way that only Allison can achieve. She pulls Billy outside to chew Billy out. Billy btw has paired his boxer shorts with a pajama top. He can pull it off, but only because he’s a soccer player. Most people would look even more absurd. The scene ends super weirdly, as Allison says “I am really gonna kill you for this” while giving him a tight-lipped smile while the “Melrose Place” sex music kicks in and they stare at each other for 17 minutes.

Dinner. Need I mention the confusing nature of the food and beverage situation? Because it looks like Allison is pouring vodka into a wine glass for Allison, but I doubt it. There are also more sauces on the table than seems normal. They talk about talent and Billy’s family and PopTV looks more genius than ever for skipping straight to the end of this season when they started airing this last month. Yada yada, will Billy ever Make It As a Writer or should he become a salesman like his father? The ‘90s really made it seem like you had two career path options: follow your dream or sell something.

Rhonda/Sandy’s. Sandy is wearing a little black dress and even though it’s not even that skimpy, somehow looks like underwear. She is going to a Hollywood party with her casting director and is very excited! 

The MP gang shows up to surprise Sandy with balloons and champagne for getting her big role. Sandy is thankful but says she has a date, which is not just a date but career related, yet for some reason Rhonda yells at her and everyone else judges Sandy with their eyes. It’s not like she knew they were coming! This episode is so weird.

Billy’s parents’. No. I can’t even with a scene about whether Billy’s a disappointment to his dad. Let’s move on.

Bedtime, and Billy’s shirtless! DRINK! He’s changed into different boxer shorts and Allison wanders in wearing one of those puffy and whimsical bathrobes everyone on TV in the ‘90s had. Allison doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as Billy, ‘cause cooties! She then awesomely says that this is her worst nightmare; like if that’s the case, then count your blessings kid! Some people have nightmares worse than sleeping next to a hot guy.



GOD. Now they’re making us hear about Billy’s freaking dreams and self worth again. I’m going to go check my farm until this ends.

Never mind, we’re back at Melrose Place. Sandy comes home drunk and since it’s television, she just laughs and laughs even though the casting dude didn’t even bother walking her inside the complex so she is all by herself, just laughing away. Jake comes out and acts angry, then turned on. And since it’s been 30 seconds since we had a scene about whether one cast member believes in another cast member, Sandy says that Jake never did. Then he sexily invites her for a midnight swim, but she says “You had your chance, Jake. You had your chance.” She swings around on the banister to her apartment, but thankfully does not fall down and crack her head on the patio. Then she positively cackles as she goes upstairs.

Morning at Billy and Allison’s. Allison comes in to judge Billy (DRINK!), saying she didn’t know he owned a tie. I’m not sure that the best time to talk about another’s clothes is while wearing a blue denim shirt and maroon bellboy blazer, but that’s just me. He’s off to his sales job, and we get more fascinating talk about his crushed soul.

Cut to Billy’s job, where he tries to sell a couch to two of the most awesome under-fivers I’ve ever seen. That couple is serious about couch shopping. There’s another scene with Billy and his dad where they talk about chintz and Billy’s self worth, and where is the show about hot people in bikinis?

Jane comes home to Michael cooking her dinner. He says he is making “veggies and LAY-gumes.” He is on crutches, but as he takes the pot from the stove, his crutch falls away, the pot falls, and the towel in his hands catches on fire! Which is officially the most interesting thing to happen in this episode so far. Jane sprays him with the sink hose and goes to pick up two quarter pounders.

Melrose Place. Billy comes home all mopey, so it seems we’re in for a real treat. Allison hands him mail from Ed McMahon, rest in peace. And that is seriously the whole scene.

Morning at Sandy and Rhonda’s. Sandy looks beautiful in pale blue. She calls Rhonda out on being bitchy, about time. Sandy’s not acting like a diva at all IMO. And I agree with her when she says people are being selfish, because no one begrudges their successes, and she works really hard. Sandy makes one last plea for Rhonda to be her friend, then says she’s going to move out, and Rhonda tells her to break a leg in a mean way. I like Rhonda, but I’m 100% on Sandy’s side here.

Sandy’s movie. She looks pleased with the take they just did and is dressed like porno Mary Ann from “Gilligan’s Island.” The director is MAD creepy, and she says she wants to do another take, only this time the killer should slowly rip open Sandy’s blouse with a knife, one button at a time. I don’t even know what I would do in Sandy’s position. Shit like that really pisses me off. Enough women are willing to do enough things that you shouldn’t be sneaking things like sexual violence into scenes without the actor’s permission. Sandy says pretty much this, and does a really good job looking upset and gobsmacked. The director says if she doesn’t want to do it, she’ll replace her. So Sandy does it, and she’s not even wearing a bra! That makes the whole thing even more messed up.

Morning. Sandy is packing her things and acts like everything is fine to Rhonda, who looks concerned.

Billy’s trying to sell a couch to Seinfeld’s mom! They get into a fight about discounts. Billy’s dad tells him to apologize to her, and he refuses.

Sandy starts to leave Melrose Place, but Jake demands to know what is wrong. She tells him what we saw, but then reveals (so to speak) that she couldn’t go through with it.

D&D. Billy shows up to pester Allison at work, and makes a creepy comment about “nubile” teenage girls, then leaves. I’m not even kidding.

Nighttime at Melrose Place. Michael sits on the couch and says he only wants a “smidgen” of Jane’s pasta. He gazes at his navel and talks about trust and parenthood. WHAT SHOW AM I WATCHING ANYWAY!

Rhonda and still-Sandy’s, as she and Rhonda make up and eat leftover birthday cake.

Billy shows up at his dad’s store, and actually says, “My life is not about furniture. I know that in my heart.”  When he finally leaves and gets back to Melrose Place, he has another boring conversation, this time with Allison. He tells her she’s coming with him and his family on their houseboat. The scene goes on far too long, but then we are blessedly at



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Oh! Hi, Love <3

I’m going to New York again, this August. Same place I was born, in the year and month in which I turn 40.

I could not be happier for why I’m going. My BFF’s sister is my honorary one, and we saw “Gremlins 2″ together. That’s a kind of bond that doesn’t get broken :)

But the last time I wrote a blog about going back to New York was for a wedding. The one after that was after I’d been there, for a funeral for my Nanny.

When we heard she only had a few months left, I got super prepared to go back and live in her house with her. But she left that night.

Still, I flew back to see her — both times. The first time was the last time I really saw her. She was so happy and funny, and I hugged her goodbye, but I didn’t want it to be the last time. I never did, and maybe, probably, I never thought it would be.

The idea of flying back and knowing, dark as it sounds, that she’s not even in a funeral home makes me not want to. She was the root of everything I loved about life, about Long Island — how can I go, knowing she’s not there anymore?

And I realize then that these questions come from a place of hoping against hope and reality, that the world will stop moving.

“Your life is ahead of you, Judith,” Nanny said to me in 2010, the last time we spent legit quality hours together.

“Mine is behind me,” she then said. And I scoffed. Told her no, even though I knew she was mostly right. Because I wanted her to live forever.

“Appreciate all of it,” she said.

So I’m going to try to, harder than ever.

I love you, Nanny.

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Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep6: Second Chance


Melrose Place at night! Everyone from the complex is playing poker at Allison and Billy’s place. That’s really cool that they’re doing that, but I feel like they could maybe have carried another table a few feet because everyone is squeezed around it like a table version of a clown car, but upon further investigation, it might be an actual poker table.

Everyone is drinking Coors Original from the bottle. Was this when it was still only a West Coast thing? If so, that is a pretty cool touch as far as product placement goes. Although having just suffered through Jane and Michael calling each other “Mom” and “Dad” at the end of the last episode due to Jane’s pregnancy, I must question why Jane appears to have a beer, as well.

Rhonda’s water-only sobriety is not helping her win, as she begs them to take an IOU or when that doesn’t work, tickets to go see a “very hip” dance troupe. The uncultured buffoons all scoff at that, but eventually allow it.

Allison pushes all her chips in the middle, but as Lauren Graham is not available for proclamations of love, says “I am going for broke” instead of “I’m all in.” Unless you don’t say that in this version of poker. Bryan, if you’re reading, let me know plz!

Billy teases Allison about her poker face, until Allison makes me LOL with her disproportionate reaction as she spits: “Will you just shut UP, Billy?!” Weird music tinkles in the background as she and Jake eye each other until Jake folds. As luck and comedy would have it, both Jake AND Allison had been bluffing, and both had crappy hands! Allison applauds her own victory.


Then goes on to say that in college, she was the “cram queen.” Heh. She is actually talking about working well under pressure and never studying for tests until the night before. Everyone literally leaves to get away from her braggadocio, but she has to out-dick herself by giving Rhonda back the tickets, saying, “Oh come on. What am I gonna do with these?” I’m kind of glad that no one bothered to bring his/her glasses and bottles to the sink. 

Daytime. Rhonda interrupts Matt while he’s swimming (DRINK!), wearing possibly her most epic workout clothes yet. What isn’t going on with this outfit? Fringe? Check. Plaid? Check. Fishnet? Tube socks? High tops? Mismatched sleeves on a hoodie? Checks to all!


Rhonda begs Matt to come with her to see that dance troupe because her friend Theresa is performing in it, as it turns out. Matt is all, “Dance puts me to sleep.” Rhonda says she needs him, and Matt is like, “FINE.”

Allison drinks coffee at her and Billy’s awesome kitchen table in her likewise-awesome lavender director’s chair. She’s wearing an extremely flattering, simple rust-colored blouse with no shoulder pads and a straight black skirt with a big-buckled belt. Oh, Early ‘90s: such a bipolar time for women’s fashion. Anyway, it’s Jake at the door, who with arms crossed the entire time, invites Allison to his place later for “a proposition.” As he leaves, sex music starts to play as Billy shows up to the door post-shower, while buttoning up his shirt (SIP!) and asks if Jake wanted his money back. Allison says “Something like that,” and follows Jake with her eyes.

Dance recital. Rhonda’s friend is the lead, and Rhonda is envious of Theresa’s “perfect body,” as IF hers isn’t. Matt enjoys the show much to his surprise, says that Theresa is fantastic, and asks why Rhonda’s kept her such a secret. Rhonda looks concerned.

Melrose Place. Allison is wearing her second blue sweatshirt in as many nights, but this time it’s a pale v-neck that she’s paired with really short denim shorts as she lusts after Jake, who is pacing around and talking about how he didn’t grow up in the most loving and supportive environment. Allison responds, “Who did?” I get that they’re bonding and Allison’s empathizing, but that is a weird response. Jake goes on to talk about how his mom married a drunk named Hank and when it came down to choosing between Jake or Hank to live in their trailer, she chose Hank. Then out of nowhere, this hilarious music starts playing in the background to make us get sad, but it sounds even more like “The Brady Bunch” than the Mexican restaurant in the last episode.

This story is all Jake’s way of saying that because of his troubled youth, he never graduated high school and is taking the GED soon. He wants Allison to help him study. Poor Allison, getting all sexed up in her fancy sweatshirt for nothing. Jake explains that for the first time in his life, he feels like he has a future. “I don’t know what it is yet,” he says, and Allison responds that she doesn’t know what her future is, either. Okay, but this is about Jake; focus please, Allison!

Dance recital curtain call. Everyone bows while the audience cheers. The female dancers are all wearing my bathing suit from 1996. The men are shirtless, which is perhaps why Billy was putting on a shirt before despite being in the doorway, lest things go into sultry overdrive.

Matt asks Rhonda if she wants to go backstage and despite forcing Matt to go with her because of Theresa in the first place, Rhonda acts weird until finally agreeing. Backstage, Theresa flirts with Matt and Rhonda tries to cockblock, but ends up agreeing to take Theresa out on the town…

…to Shooters! Matt, Rhonda, and Theresa sit at a table. Theresa delivers about seven lines of dialogue while holding a slice of cucumber in her hand, and we learn along with Matt that Rhonda did not return Theresa’s call about auditioning in LA for her dance company. Theresa delivers all her lines like she is trying to hypnotize everyone, including her own self. She belittles Rhonda’s cardio funk class, but Rhonda’s answer is still no.

Jake and Allison sit on the floor and study around a table. I like sitting on floors myself, but MAN, does the couch behind Jake look super comfy.


Thank you, “Melrose Place,” for allowing Allison to read aloud not only the entire math word problem, but also every single multiple-choice answer. Jake says he’s fried, but Allison does not accept that. She gets up to make another pot of coffee and says, “The only way to cram is to cram.” Jake gets the answer correct!

Matt and Rhonda return to Melrose Place, as Matt tries to get Rhonda to audition for the dance troupe. Rhonda says it’s too late; once you’re over 21, they put you out to pasture. Matt hilariously amps up the Shakespearean-esque drama and goes, “Don’t you believe in FATE, Rhonda!”

Morning. Billy shows up at Jane and Michael’s to ask if they’ve seen Allison, because she didn’t come home last night. Michael suggests that she met a guy at Shooters and went home with him and Billy’s like, never in a million years! Rhonda comes by and agrees that Allison probably had a one-night stand.

Sandy comes out and tells Billy to grow up; Allison’s a grown woman. But Billy and Jane head inside to call 911 (?!?!), until Allison steps out of Jake’s place in last night’s clothes :o Everyone is scandalized, until Allison says it’s not what they think. Then she thinks better of it and says that it’s nobody’s business. I kind of have never liked her more, as she saunters away and Sandy gets mad as per usz that Jake’s (apparently) sleeping with women besides her, despite his once again showing no interest in Sandy.

For a change of pace, this time it is Billy walking into the kitchen and judging Allison, who is taking aspirin on an empty stomach. She tells Billy that she and Jake just talked, and they exhibit what is supposed to be sexual tension, but I’ve gotta say that even though everyone is making incorrect assumptions, and even though back in real time, my crush was on Billy, I always thought that Jake and Allison had awesome chemistry and worked well together. So I sort of wish that they were hooking up, even though I’m happy for Jake that he’s feeling hopeful about his GED.

Rhonda’s cardio funk studio, which is empty as Rhonda stretches and Theresa walks in. Rhonda says she’s decided to audition after all. Theresa rudely calls Rhonda’s classes a waste of her time, but then Rhonda just as rudely tells Theresa that her group was lacking funk and fun, so she came up with something better for her audition. Now, I agree with Rhonda and think she has a naturally charismatic style, which is one reason I don’t like Theresa’s dismissing her classes. But still, insulting the choreography of a group you haven’t even gotten into yet, Rhonda? There is some endless back and forth, then a montage of them dancing it out. All is well until Theresa says that Rhonda shouldn’t eat pasta for dinner and leaves for rehearsal. Sexy music plays as Rhonda looks thoughtful.

Shooters in the daytime. Sandy is working, natch, as Billy walks in, sits at the bar, doesn’t order anything, and just whines about Allison and Jake while Sandy rushes around, clearly busy. I think that Sandy should start jumping in Billy’s cab and yammering in his ear the next time he works. Then not pay.

Sandy responds that Allison and Jake are total opposites, so it was inevitable. Um. Okay. Then there is this super-bizarre bit where she’s trying to imagine how it happened, and they Magic-Mirror spin back to the night “they all went out,” whenever that was. Allison is wearing a black shirt with a see-through back and boxy-yet-tight ‘90s jeans. She hilariously leans against Jake’s door jamb and says she rented “9 1/2 Weeks,” but her VCR is broken — can she watch it at Jake’s? Jake says sure. Cut to Allison seductively eating a cherry tomato? I thought it was a strawberry at first, but I think it’s a cherry tomato! She leans into Jake, and rather than each nibble at this mystery fruit, they make out with it just kind of rolling around between their tongues.

Back in present-day Shooters, Billy scoffs at Sandy’s theory. We then get Billy’s version of what happened: Jake answers his door, shirtless, and brings Allison into the bedroom, where he points at the ceiling and says that he’s terrified of spiders. A HUGE, hairy spider lurks above. “Oh, Jake,” Allison admonishes him. “They’re harmless and they eat mosquitoes.” Cue the sexy music, as Jake passionately kisses Allison. That was a pretty funny scene. But Sandy’s not buying it, saying that Jake loves spiders, and keeps them as pets. He does? They both lie that they don’t care that Jake and Allison slept together, and Sandy walks away with a tray of beers and mugs that I at no point witnessed her retrieve.

Nighttime at Melrose Place. Jake brings them coffee, while Allison said that all of the subjects that seemed so boring to her in high school are fascinating to her now. But if she’d been interested in them in high school, she never would have even met Marc Harmon! Allison admits that she didn’t fit in and wasn’t popular back in the day, and Jake doesn’t believe it! She said she was just focused on grades, and now regrets not partying more and taking risks. They bond, and even though there is pizza on the floor and they are drinking coffee, Allison seductively eats something with chopsticks. She then brings up the fact that everyone in Melrose Place think that they’re “having an affair.” What a strange choice of words, but even stranger is the tinkling piano music. For all the times they use the sexy stock music, now would be more appropriate than many. Allison continues to send vibes, but Jake changes the subject to algebra and Allison wonders why she EVEN bothered to wear her best pleated beige shorts.

Rhonda and Theresa leave a restaurant while Rhonda talks about the awesome carbonara sauce that Theresa wouldn’t try, and brags about her fast metabolism. Between this and last week’s Fettuccine Incident, I’m imagining a writers’ meeting wherein they try to flesh out Rhonda’s character and add “really likes pasta” to a list of her distinguishing characteristics.

Theresa continues to dig at Rhonda about not eating right for a dancer, and Rhonda’s like, I know what you’re doing. Rather than call Theresa out on projecting her own food insecurities onto Rhonda, she gets bitchy once again about how she would have had Theresa’s spot if she hadn’t sprained her ankle. Theresa is like, not even, and Rhonda responds that they’ll never know, will they? They argue again, some more, about who is jealous of whom.

Morning at Melrose Place. Billy’s made coffee! And suggests that he and Allison spend the day at the beach. She says she has to spend the day with Jake. Billy asks what’s going on and Allison says she wishes she could tell him, but can’t. Billy is very sad.

Rhonda’s class. She yells at Matt for not keeping up. Cut to them walking on the street as she apologizes, and he worries that he pushed her into “this dance thing.” Rhonda says no, she never should have stopped, and she’s better than this. He says it’s not her fault; she got hurt. OR DID SHE? Rhonda leaves Matt alone, without even a juice box.


Bar that isn’t Shooters. Allison quizzes Jake on the state capitals. I’m more disappointed than I probably should be that Jake doesn’t respond to “Idaho” with “No, you da ho.” Allison is impressed, and rather than Jake’s doing well because he studied, we learn that Blue Collar People Can Learn Too, as he did work in a variety of states. Then he makes a “Northern Exposure” reference, and slams the book shut. He then weirdly sing-songs that if he doesn’t know this stuff now, he never will. He says he has a better idea, and it totally looks like he’s going to swoop over and plant one right on Allison a la the first Ben/Felicity kiss, but that sadly does not happen; he just gets up and tells Allison to come with him. Allison is dressed in what appears to be Gilligan’s Island Chic.

Rhonda works out in her studio, for some reason listening to no music whatsoever, despite having a boom box right there. Matt walks in wearing socks ‘n sandals, saying he’s worried that Rhonda is putting everything on the line for this dance audition.


Rhonda tells a story about how she and her siblings were always so pressured by their parents to succeed. Rhonda was the only one who didn’t get good grades and go to an Ivy League school, but she was the one with talent. She was going to be the famous dancer. But then she got totally intimidated and skipped the audition! No injury after all! She starts to cry as she says she doesn’t think her father ever forgave her.

I seriously want to do that as a monologue if I ever audition for a play again and see if anyone notices.

Jake rides his motorcycle at night on a winding road. Allison is behind him, and I’m very happy that they are both wearing helmets, though I think her ankles could use better protection. I’m very sensitive to such things since having mine skinned off via bicycle when I was barefoot in 1983. And I know I’m a broken record, but these two have such a natural chemistry! I’m really not sure why they didn’t just make them a couple, at least for a little while. Allison expresses verbal dismay at her choice to accompany Jake on the ride, but she looks like she’s having a lot of fun. I mean, probably not as much fun as if she were wearing shuffling around at home in a bathrobe whilst berating Billy, but fun nonetheless.

Jake and Allison stop at an overlook. Allison says that no one’s ever brought her here before. Jake says that she’s been dating the wrong guys. So we agree! Now kiss! But no, they talk some more and seriously the tension is palpable, which is aided by +night birds chirping, -sexy/“Brady Bunch” music blaring. Allison gets husky voiced and they talk about high school. Allison says, “We would have made some pair.” Jake replies, “We’re not in high school anymore.” And finally at long last, THEY ACTUALLY DO KISS!!! I totally do not remember this and am probably way more excited about it in 2015 than I should be, but that does nothing to deter it either! Jallison 4eva! Or at least until their inevitable demise, since I don’t remember their kissing in the first place!

Allison and Billy’s. Billy exposits that it’s eight in the morning, while Allison is preparing what looks to be an omelet, as she has out eight eggs (in the shell), a relatively big mushroom, two tomatoes, one huge green pepper, an entire bulb of garlic, and a bowl that looks to be holding five eggs (out of the shell).

I have so many questions.

1) Why is she doing this while already dressed up for work in her blue-and-white, men’s-cut striped shirt and navy blue pants? Why doesn’t she at least have an apron on? She is works for a fancy company that is all about image, so I’m not sure why she’d want to risk showing up to greet major clients smelling like garlic and peppers, even if she manages not to get anything on her.

2) Allison has just started chopping the mushroom, which is like the least time consuming vegetable, while all the others sit untouched. And it is eight in the morning. Doesn’t LA have a lot of traffic? What time does she have to be at work?

3) Do people really keep their eggs in a bowl when they’re not hardboiled? I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, just that I’ve never seen it. Surely, she is not cooking a 13-egg omelet. Billy is not a giant lumberjack. 

4) When did Allison start eating nutritious breakfasts?

Allison apologizes to Billy for…something, and says that he’s not just a roommate (like he was worried about before and I forgot to mention); she trusts him more than anyone out here. She lets him in on Jake’s GED studying, and denies that she and Jake are “having an affair.” Why do they keep using that phrase? Billy is relieved, and decides that his sexy fantasy about Allison defending spiders is yet more evidence that he is a writer.

Billy says he was silly to think that she was hooking up with Jake, because they have nothing in common. This prompts Allison to go into a really trippy speech about walls and facades, all while keeping her arms crossed (Jake’s influence?). Bottom line: She got to know Jake better, and she likes him. Back to chopping!

Sandy acts overly invested in Jake’s sex life — DRINK! She apparently eats only frozen food and uses a lot of tissues, because she is carrying two garbage bags with ease in one hand, before Jake takes one from her. Aw, Jake. Sandy says that believe it or not, she wants Jake to be happy, because she cares for him. “(She) really do(es).” He tells her about the GED. She asks why he didn’t come to her for help and says that just because she’s an actress doesn’t mean she’s stupid, “Let’s erase that stereotype right here.” I really don’t think that is the particular stereotype leading anyone to that conclusion, but Jake savvily responds that she would have been a distraction, which makes her melt and they leave Melrose Place together, Jake’s arm around Sandy.

Dance audition. Rhonda stretches with others in the hallway. She and Matt talk about how they’re going to miss each other if she gets this job, as she would be touring. A man in red-striped high tops tells Rhonda she’s up next.

Cut to the stage and Rhonda dancing. The dance double has a completely different hairstyle from Rhonda’s, not to mention a different body type. It is awesome.

Rhonda comes back into the waiting area where Matt is waiting for her and between his forward-facing black cap that covers a vast portion of his head, tan pullover, rushed gait, and hunched shoulders, he looks like someone in a John Grisham movie trying to blend into a crowd instead of a normal person waiting for his friend. Theresa comes out to apologize and they talk about that one audition she didn’t go to, again, some more. So they’re good now, but Rhonda says even if she gets through, she’s not going to take the job, because she likes her life. She hugs Theresa goodbye while covered in sweat, then she and Matt leave.

Jake leaves a school after taking his GED, and tells a waiting Allison that he thinks he aced a test for the first time in his life. Yay Jake! Allison tells him that she doesn’t regret what happened, but they probably should just be friends, because “it’s just one of those things.” WHAT? That is total bullshit and makes no sense! Jake looks disappointed; I’m disappointed. You’re going to have to do better than “It’s just one of those things.” One of WHAT things? As a consolation prize to her vagina, Allison says she’ll buy Jake a beer.

Shooters. Jane, Michael, Billy, Matt, and Rhonda share a plate of French fries. Oh, they’re there to surprise Jake. As Allison lures him in, they all start chanting the graduation march while wearing caps, and give him one of his own. They wrap it up with applause and woos, and Jake says “Let’s party.” Everyone heads to the bar…

…except for Allison and Sandy. Sandy looks so relieved and says she knew there wasn’t anything going on between her and Jake. Allison says, “Of course not. But he is a great kisser.” She waltzes off, and Sandy looks surprised, then sad, then angry! 


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Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep5: Lost and Found


Poolside party at Melrose Place! Everyone is dancing. Amy Locane is wearing her denim shorts with the butt daisy again. For the most part, people are dressed how you’d expect for a summer party. Jane is rather formal in her Laura Ashleyish sundress, but Billy is the most confusing in his khakis and baggy short-sleeved shirt, especially since he’s usually just wearing a towel. Naturally, the less-clothed people throw Billy into the pool. “This was my last clean shirt!” Billy admonishes them, and exposits that he got a job working for a paper, but it’s just a “freebie…people are gonna line their litter boxes with them.” Meanwhile, I’d be SO THRILLED to work for a free local paper! Jake asks what Billy’s going to write about, and Billy says “Me.” Jake pushes him into the pool again, and everyone laughs in this really strange, fake way.

Allison compliments Jane on her dress, and Jane tells Allison to come down to the “bow-tique” because they got some in just like it.

Michael walks in dressed like Jerry Seinfeld in a tie and says “What’s up dudes!” He’s excited because the kid they were working on came through, so they push him into the pool and the scene ends with Jane looking like this:


Next morning. Jane’s in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test, while Michael blabbers on in the background about how all the cool kids are going to Yosemite and so should they! But Jane’s test came back positive, and she does not look too happy about it.

Jane’s Bow-tique. Allison comes out of the dressing room, self conscious because the dress she’s trying on is see through. “Maybe with a unitard,” she says, and can I just say how much I MISS unitards? They were my wardrobe staple from ’94-I don’t even know when. I guess whenever my last one got lost or worn through. But anyway, I don’t know what Allison’s talking about in the first place. There is a very modest kind-of see through pattern through the waist section of the dress, but the dress itself is long and shows no cleavage or even arm above the elbow, and she looks nice. Relax, Allison.

But really this is all just set up anyway to have Jane tell Allison she’s pregnant. She and Michael “just got carried away one night,” and it wasn’t planned. Allison follows her around and gets excited about a baby coming to Melrose Place, but Jane seems less than thrilled as she continues to hang up clothing around the store and admits that it feels a little soon, and she hasn’t told Michael yet. On a side note, Josie Bissett looks astonishingly gorgeous in this scene, even for her.

Weird-ass yet/therefore delightful little scene of Billy typing at his computer, which is now in the living room instead of the kitchen. He exasperatedly crumples and throws away paper after paper after paper, even though he is using a word processor so I’m not sure why he needs to print out all the stuff he’s just going to throw away. I get nostalgic seeing the little holes from that old printer paper that had the perforated edges you had to tear off. Billy says, “Well, at least I still got my day job.”

Allison comes home. Will she walk through the door and judge Billy for something? Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen!

Whoa! She kind of does, but not really! While she acknowledges that the apartment’s in disarray, Allison shows compassion to Billy, smiling sympathetically and asking what happened! Billy despite having trashed the living room with paper is now cleaning the refrigerator and talking about how the article he’s working on sucks. Every time he tries to write, it sounds stupid and boring. He says that he is too ordinary, and needs to do something extraordinary! He tells Allison they’re going to Shooters, so he can at least get started on having a terrible drinking problem like a real writer!

Transition with what sounds like “Brady Bunch” music, but is actually a band in a Mexican restaurant that plays as Jane and Michael dance, while he says they could never find good Mexican restaurants in Chicago (really? I’ve only eaten ice cream in Chicago, but that still surprises me), and that he is getting drunk from the margaritas. Rather than tell Michael she’s pregnant, Jane tells him that she wants to have a baby. Michael says they’re at least five years from that, as he is just an intern (which explains why he had to use the pay phone in the other ep, I guess).

Shooters. Billy is saying that drinking and drunks are depressing. Matt and Jake join them, as Matt regales them with a story of a 12-year-old pulling a knife on a 15-year-old at the halfway house, and his delivery is downright bizarre. Maybe if Matt had been at the bar already drinking, but as it stands, his jovial tone is super weird. He and Jake both order “Beer,” which hilariously arrive in bottles labeled thusly. Billy is jealous of the kids because knives are dramatic and he is boring. Just drink your freaking shot of whiskey and pipe down, Billy. Better yet, if you hate drinking, don’t order straight-up whiskey. Though since this is a Spelling show, he probably ordered it “neat.”

Billy puts his arm around Jake and wonders after his adventures. We find out that Jake has had a cowboy boot thrown at him in a motel room, and I really wish we could watch that scene instead. Now Billy gets enamored with a guy walking in clad in spiked leather and a neck brace. He hollers across the bar to ask how the guy got the neck brace, and the guy answers, “Bungee jumping,” then as if the show heard me, he orders, “Whiskey, straight up.” Billy dashes around the bar, saying “No, have mine,” and pesters Bungee Dude for more details. Bungee Dude awesomely says, Man, it was outrageous,” and describes leaping off of a bridge. That really does sound scary. I’ve bungee jumped, but it was at a theme park with a cushion below.

Allison hasn’t judged Billy all day, so she gets her ya-yas by asking the guy why he’s wearing a neck brace if it was so great. He answers “Whiplash,” and walks away as Billy tells the other guys they need to all go bungee jumping so he can write an article about it. Way to be sexist and not invite Allison. Jake agrees, then Matt, who’s seemed shitfaced for the entire scene. Allison judges all of them in one fell swoop for their plans, and the Earth’s natural balance is restored.

Back to Jane and Michael at the Mexican restaurant, where they are now talking in a rounded booth. Michael says that he doesn’t want to be like his dad, as he and Michael’s mom started “pumping out kids” very shortly after getting married, and Michael’s always felt some resentment from them, like he’s living the life his dad wanted to have. He reminds Jane that they both have careers they care about, and we learn that Jane’s designed a line of “funky evening wear” for her bow-tique. Michael says they could get a dog, and Jane sadly goes to the bathroom.

Next morning. Allison asks Jane how Michael took the news, and Jane explains what happens. She says that if she tells Michael she’s pregnant, he’d probably want to go through with it, but she knows that’s not what he really wants. Josie Bissett does a really nice job in a very short scene of conveying her distress and confusion, and we find out that she’s possibly considering an abortion.

Michael and Jake walk down the street drinking coffee and eating donuts. Michael gives this high-as-hell sounding speech comparing relationships to donuts, and says that Jane wants to have a baby. Jake gives the obligatory line about “the idea of bringing a kid into THIS world,” and Michael says that there are a few intern dads, and none of them have happy marriages. Just as I think maybe I can like Michael a little bit here, he starts yammering on about how Jane “gets so sensitive, you wouldn’t believe it!” I actually like this scene in a way because it shows the main difference between Michael and Jake: Michael is married with a serious job, but has like zero empathy skills or self awareness. Jake has unsteady employment and women issues up the yin-yang (so to speak), but he usually owns it and like, tries to try at the very least. He might be a screw up, but I think that Jake unlike Michael would *believe* that a wife might get a little *sensitive* when she says she wants a baby and her husband is like “Lol, pshaw.”

Oh, and in keeping with the “?” theme of food on this show, albeit coffee in this case, Michael adds sugar to his coffee when there are only a few inches left and even though he is also eating a donut. People on this show are sugar fiends! But anyway, after he adds the sugar, the cup is suddenly like three-quarters full! 

Billy shows up in his cab and invites Michael to go bungee jumping. Michael politely declines. Jk, he laughs in their faces and says no.

Melrose Place. Nighttime at Rhonda and Sandy’s apartment. Sandy says that she hates fish, as Rhonda prepares some and tells Sandy that she’s going to shut up and eat it, and says Sandy needs to eat something healthy. Probably, Rhonda should just invite everyone over for dinner and pump them full of nutrients to counteract the sugar crash.

Jane pops in, manically saying that she stayed home from work to work on these dresses and makes Sandy and Rhonda try them on. She realizes they look terrible, and Rhonda says she’s shaking. Rhonda does what anyone would do when one’s friend is clearly distraught about something: dangles a dead fish in front of Jane and invites her to dinner. This prompts Jane to run to the bathroom to puke. When she’s done, Sandy asks if she’s pregnant, and Jane confirms. They congratulate her, but realize Jane’s “not exactly jumping for joy.” Jane runs out of the apartment and asks them not to say anything.

Billy’s shirtless (DRINK!), but he’s in bed having a nightmare, so it’s more appropriate than usual. He dreams of himself as a kid, climbing to a high diving board while two adults cheer him on from below — his parents? Billy the kid (!) jumps off, but becomes Billy the adult, who wakes up screaming. Allison knocks on his door for a change of pace, but when he doesn’t answer, she barges in anyway. She asks why he’s going bungee jumping, because it’s so dangerous. Billy says that his whole life, he’s done everything right and has never taken risks, and now he just has to. “A stupid, reckless risk?” Allison asks (DRINK!) and Billy says yes. She tells him to be sure they make the cord the right length, unlike these two college kids she read about recently.

Wait. Are they trying to go for some “cord” theme in this episode, between Jane’s pregnancy and bungee jumping?

Daytime at Melrose Place. Matt and Billy show up at Jake’s, who asks if they’re really going through with this. They say yes, and Jake goes to get dressed, while Billy heads to the car with Matt, who is for some reason drinking coffee out of a regular mug, even though he’s going on a road trip.

Jane goes to Allison’s place and tells her that she’s decided not to have the baby. She asks Allison to come with her to the clinic for a counseling session. Allison urges her to include Michael in the decision, and Jane says she’s just exploring her options. Allison says she will go, then kindly tells Jane that she’s so sorry she has to go through this, and hugs her. The result looks like a cover of a Sweet Valley High book where they focused on a character besides one of the Wakefields:


Matt drives Jake and Billy in a car that looks like someone forgot to finish assembling, and they arrive at the bungee jumping bridge just in time to see someone dive off and bounce around while cheering his approval. All three guys look quite intimidated, but Jake declares, “Let’s do it!” and they all run out of the car with determination.

Clinic. A doctor confirms that Jane is indeed pregnant, and questions Jane’s choice to not tell Michael. Jane looks distraught.

Bungee Bridge, which is apparently run by “Bungeeeeee Adventure Co.” Billy for some reason reads his affidavit out loud in front of a video camera, saying that he won’t sue the company in case of death. The word “death” keeps popping up, as Billy gets increasingly nervous. Matt comes back from his jump and says it’s unbelievable and amazing. They watch Jake take his jump, and now it’s Billy’s turn!

Cut to Billy sitting on the edge of the bridge, and this really does look terrifying. The instructors count down for Billy to jump, and he flashes back to the adults cheering him on in his nightmare. Billy can’t do it, and I honestly can’t blame him.

Clinic, which is called “Womens Medical Arts,” with no apostrophe in “Womens.” Allison and Sandy are in the waiting room to support Jane, and Sandy tells a story of her own abortion when she was 16, in a monologue that Amy Locane does a good job with. I’m digging her more with each episode. She tells Allison that she could have used someone like her back then, and Sandy and Allison officially decide that they are friends.

Melrose Place at night. Rhonda goes to Jane and Michael’s to drop off some food. Jane’s not home yet, and Rhonda essentially blabs to Michael that Jane’s off having an abortion, then flees in shame after realizing that Michael didn’t know.

The Bungee Boys return. Matt and Jake tease Billy for not jumping, and they do a hilarious product placement with a Coke toast — Billy and Jake with regular, Matt with diet. They invite Jane, who walks in without Allison and Sandy for some reason, but she declines…

…and walks into her own place, where Michael is waiting in the kitchen to yell at her for aborting their baby. But Jane says that she couldn’t go through with it, so of course Michael turns on a different dime and starts yelling at Jane again for excluding him from any planning. He storms out into the main/pool area and she follows him. Everyone who’s not already outside comes to see what all the hubbub’s about. Michael spit-yells in Jane’s face before storming off, and I hate him more than ever. Poor Jane. Especially when the Bungee Boys chase after Michael, but the women just sort of stare at her from their doorways. Wtf?

Michael storms down the street while the other guys tell him to slow down. They banter some sexist comments about never trusting women; then Jake says they’re going to Shooters. So poor Michael can drink while his wife that he screamed at and ran away from can’t. “MICHAEL!”, *Fist shake* TM Jerry Seinfeld, indeed.

Jane sits by the pool as her girlfriends decide to finally show some comfort, which Rhonda does by regretting her ability to boil water and make fettuccine, rather than her big mouth. Jane worries that she’s blown it for good, as Michael loves you forever until he feels like you betrayed him. Which, okay fine, I get the dramatics of that attitude, but think that marriage still requires some give and take; Michael Mancini is not a Shakespearean king. And I agree that Jane should have communicated with him, but it’s not like she even actually had the abortion. Freakin’ Michael. Allison hands Jane a cookie. Sandy’s also eating a cookie, but I have no idea where they came from. And who eats dry cookies with nothing to wash them down?

Shooters. Michael whines about realizing he doesn’t know anything about Jane after all. The guys remind him that he loves her. He agrees but starts monologuing again (I guess as far as this show’s structure goes, he kind of is a Shakespearean king) about having a baby, and the guys are like, “Wait, what baby?” So the guys are being totally bro-tastic about how you can’t trust women and don’t even know what happened?! Ugh. Anyway, they high five Michael and say that he’s the bravest one, even though he didn’t bungee jump. They offer to buy him a congratulatory drink, but Michael realizes he needs to go home to Jane.

Jane lies in bed, staring at the wall. Michael comes home and sits on the edge of the bed, saying he really does want the baby. So does Jane. Jane and Jane alone apologizes for the goings-on, then says that Michael’s going to be the best dad. I guess so long as the kid never betrays Michael. They start kissing and just to put the gross cherry on the sundae, call each other “Mom” and “Dad.”

Allison and Billy’s. Billy finishes reading his new article out loud to Allison, who says that for a Valley boy, Billy can be surprisingly cool, and that it’s great. Billy replies, “At last, she approves,” which is actually really cute. They say goodnight to each other, and Billy goes back to typing: “Today, I saw a young man meet fatherhood and survive…Move over, Doogie Howser.”


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