Vanderpump Rules: S3, Ep9: What Happens In San Diego… Recap!

Watching “Vanderpump Rules” as a newcomer feels much like it did back in the olden days, before you could fully binge on any given show with just the click of a button. For this show is not available on DVD, and anywhere you can find full eps online, you have to pay for them individually, and I don’t have that kind of money!

So I’m left to hoard the precious eps I do have on the DVR. Please forgive the capricious order, as we start with the first S3 ep (9): “What Happens In San Diego…”

Omg! I’m not going to recap the previouslies (heh, my autocorrect changes that to “previous lies”) for regular eps, but these previouslies have my hands-down favorite clip of the show — Scheana’s and Stassi’s hissing exchange, culminating with Stassi’s classic line: “You know, I’m not really sure what I’ve done to you, but I’ll take a pinot grigio.”


And Scheana’s equally classic face in response:


Credits, and onto the episode! Stassi, Kristina, and Vail show up to Vinoteque, which already piques my interest, because “Vino,” if not so much the “Teque.” Not that I’m anti-Teque, but a place could be called “Vino Dirty Alleyway,” and I’d listen. Stassi is dressed more Julie Cooper than ever in all leopard print, and they are here to celebrate her birthday. They are the first there, because Stassi “is so on time for everything, it disgusts (her).”

Then Stassi confessionals about how it is when a new girl comes to school, and proceeds to describe the politics of the Fabulous Five, series spinoff to the Taffy Sinclair books, only it’s among 20- and 30-somethings at SUR. Essentially, the different cliques fight over who gets the new girl in their group.

Katie, Schwartz, and Peter show up and kiss Stassi hello. Stassi said she wanted a chill birthday this year, so why not wine taste? Then we get an awesome montage of past not-so-chill Stassi birthdays, where she screeches and tells people to shut the *bleep* up, because it’s her birthday. All while sporting a rather enviable bosom.

In real time, the waiter brings over a lovely assortment of wine, and they cheers to Stassi. Kristina gets all, “And NO drama, you guys,” in keeping with the reality show rule that she who smelt it, dealt it, because where was there drama tonight, thus far?


Oh here it is! Stassi says “literally” (DRINK!), and pointedly brings up the non-invited Jax, Kristen, and Scheana; then Jeremy and Jen say they got a second-tier invite to Scheana’s wedding. Everyone chortles, because suddenly the table is filled with Emily Gilmores.

Not a fan of the ensuing cattiness over someone’s wedding plans, and agree with Vail, as she confessionals that the level of shit talking is off the charts and what are they going to say about her when she leaves the room? High five, Vail!

IMO, Katie is the only one in the room with a right to be pissed at Scheana’s wedding etiquette. Schwartz got an invitation and she didn’t, and that’s really not cool. Schwartz is also endearing as he confesses that he hid his invitation “like a coward.”

Villa Rosa. Scheana shows up to “pick up platters for the event tomorrow.” Lisa offers her a cup of tea and when Scheana accepts, Lisa awesomely responds “I was hoping you would say no.” Turns out the event is for Same Sky, which is awesome. 

The second point of this scene is for Lisa to rightfully admonish Scheana for not inviting Stassi but way moreso Katie to her wedding and bachelorette party. Lisa says that if her husband Ken went to such an important party without her, it would be a one-way trip :-D Scheana tells Lisa she will see Katie at work tomorrow and “extend the olive branch.”

New scene, in front of Tom and Katie’s apartment. In one of the more meta lines of the show, Jax says “Just jam it in there, man. We don’t really have a choice,” only this time he is talking about luggage. They are all driving to San Diego, as Jax’s girlfriend Tiffany works in the hospitality industry and hooked them up for their guys’ weekend. 

Oh yeah and Sandoval helpfully reminds us that three days ago, Jax texted “the world” that he and Tiffany had broken up, including Vail. Now they’re all headed to San Diego thanks to Tiffany, and it’s weird. Seems like Jax’s friends all like Tiffany the most out of his girlfriends, and don’t want to see him screw it up. Sandoval continues that this is going to be the first weekend where he, Schwartz, and Jax all have girlfriends, so it will just be about bro-ing out.

In the car, the three bromigos + Peter sit in traffic with a blurred-out license plate (sorry stalkers!), while Jax said that he had coffee with Vail, which didn’t go over well with Tiffany. Then he says Vail tweeted about the coffee date, which is how Tiffany found out, and the guys are like uh no, that was you.

Okay so I’m not fancy, but have always enjoyed the few occasions where you get to sit in the fresh air and have bottle service. That the guys have this private big…bed by the pool just makes it that much cooler. If I were ever rich, that’s the kind of luxury I’d enjoy here and there! But meanwhile, the guys are acting as though they’ve never seen women before, even though I don’t see anyone in these “stupid monogamy, ‘cause look!” shots who compares to any of the SURvers (or bartender or hostess). But I guess these pens are already covered with SUR’s company ink, so lusting after these chicks it is. They all drink from a Grey Goose bottle, Sandoval in porthole sunglasses.


Jax does exactly what Katie said he’d do, which is try to get his friends to hook up with other girls. He says he wants to see Schwartz make out with another girl. 

Time passes, many drinks are had, and Sandoval pushes Jax into the pool. As Jax drinks from the bottle whilst in the water, Sandoval confessionals that it’s getting to that point where Jax is getting really shitfaced, looking for validation, forgetting about Tiffany, and looking for anyone to bring home. Interesting.

The Toms say they’re going to text their respective girlfriends…



…but Jax doesn’t think that’s a good idea.


SUR prepares for the Same Sky event. Scheana buys some jewelry to support, then invites Katie to her bridal shower tomorrow and bachelorette party in Miami. Katie looks rather gobsmacked, then says she knows their friendship has been touch and go but she would like them to try. They both agree to do just that and it’s really sweet. Scheana confessionals about how she was taught to be the bigger person and always is, which sounds a little cocky but you know, it really does seem true. I feel like if the world were more filled with conversations and attitudes like her and Katie’s just now, it would be a better place!

Lisa shows up and asks Vail why she’s not wearing Same Sky jewelry in support. This somehow transitions into Vail asks Lisa if Lisa still has her pink streaks. Lisa says yes, and when Vail goes “Would you be offended if I did like, blue—“ Lisa hilariously cuts her off and says “Yes,” while walking away.

The event takes place and it’s of course a hit. Lisa buys the most expensive jewelry she can, and the woman in charge of the fundraiser is so grateful for everything Lisa’s done, and for her wonderful staff. It’s really nice.

Back in San Diego, “Vanderpump Rules” has possibly never felt more “Real World” than in this moment right now, where we see shots of the guys’ beyond-expensive-looking room at the Hard Rock Hotel. Jax dances around and Peter tells him to save it for the club.

Shots of guys preening as they get ready for the club. Sandoval makes me LOL when he tells Jax, “Hey Adam Levine on steroids just called — he wants his look back.”

Club. More bottle service: one bottle of Grey Goose and one of tequila. A girl dressed like a stripper (literally, not being catty) catches Jax’s eye, and the Toms both try to keep Jax at bay and drive the point home that Jax’s GIRLFRIEND hooked them up with this place and this weekend. The only one getting his crotched grabbed is single, but even that’s just Peter being silly! All the boys are just having fun chilling and dancing until uh-oh:


“Where’s Jax?”

Hangover Hotel. Jax asks what happened last night.


Sandoval comes out and says that he’s really annoyed at Jax for bringing girls back to the room.


Jax is like “Dude that didn’t happen! What are you talking about!” and it’s impossible to tell whether he did black out and is terrified that his worst morning-after fears are true, or is terrified because he totally remembers and blacking out is his best line of defense.


Sandoval confessionals that Jax totally disrespected Tiffany by bringing the “most bootleg” girl home, and calls what she and Jax did “assisted masturbation,” as she “literally meant nothing to (Jax).” Oh and just to make matters even skankier, they apparently had sex in the bathroom. In real time, he tells Peter that if Tiffany asks, Sandoval’s not gonna lie. In the meantime, does Peter not really drink all that much when he goes out, or does he always wake up from heavy party nights looking angelic and well rested?!


Stassi’s apartment. She’s working on a painting while looking super cute in a white men’s shirt. She bought ingredients to make her and Kristina bellinis. Kristina wants one, and so do I! But I can’t even, with this scene. It’s just more gossip about Scheana’s wedding plans.

Schwartz and Katie’s apartment. They have a cute scene where they catch up on their respective weekends. Schwartz is super relieved that Katie’s now involved in Scheana’s wedding festivities, but reminds her that she’s “betraying the queen (Stassi).” Katie is confident that Stassi will understand.

Sandoval arrives at Tom and Katie’s, and Schwartz has made him a breakfast burrito! Sandoval tells Katie that Jax totally *bleeped* the *bleep* out of a girl in the bathroom, and that she wasn’t even hot! The level of his indignation about the second part when you compare it to the indignation level of the first is hilarious. Sandoval confessionals that he’s done covering for Jax.

Schwartz gets very deer in headlights, and says he’s not first-person sure about Jax’s escapades, although “the noises painted quite the soundscape.” Schwartz doesn’t want to get involved, because it’s not in his nature, oh and btw Jax has dirt on him too. Hmmm. Sandoval’s like “You know Jax would rat us out!” and it is amazing to watch the two Toms go back and forth in tanks, shorts, and knit ski caps. Stay cool/warm, guys.

Villa Blanca — Scheana’s bridal shower that Pandora’s arranged. It looks absolutely gorgeous, and really nicely uses Scheana’s pink and gold wedding theme while still looking totally different from the (SPOILER!) wedding. Lisa is very happy to see Katie there, and that her girls are getting along. Me too!

Scheana arrives, and I love her dress! That is also a crop top, which I didn’t realize before. She looks absolutely lovely.

As does Kristen. I don’t know what they’re called, the long straight dresses that are totally conservative until you get to the cute, short bottom, but Kristen is wearing one and of all the people on this show, totally owns that look, a la Spencer Hastings. 

At the table, Scheana decides to tipsy text Stassi in hopes of meeting up with her and giving things one last shot. Then the conversation switches to San Diego “debauchery,” et al., which Scheana hadn’t heard about yet! Pandora cheerses with Scheana “to being old and married,” and not having your SOs entertaining naked women in hotel rooms, even if only by proxy. 

Carmen feigns interest in Kristen’s angst over Katie’s being invited to Miami. Kristen confessionals in a green dress that no one with legs like hers has any right to rock so well boob-wise, that this makes two people she doesn’t like coming to Miami. Well I guess it is a *good thing* it’s not Kristen’s wedding. 

“Jax banged Kristen. Jax used to bang Carmen. And now, I’m telling Kristen and Carmen about the new girl Jax banged, while he cheated on the girl that he’s currently banging. There’s a *bleep* ton of banging going on.”

^^^ Another excellent quotable from Scheana, and no further need to recap the rest of the scene. Except that if you’re playing the at-home drinking game, take two shots for a double whammy of “threw him under the bus,” plus a bonus present tense version thanks to Kristen! Who in another awesome (this time dark blue) dress takes confessionaling and crazy to a whole impressive new level.

Jax and Schwartz and Sandoval drink giant sodas while eating at Hugo’s Tacos. They tell various lies regarding their own vantage points re: San Diego, then relax as the conversation switches to the girl drama on the girls’ side of camp, in this case, how Katie is coming to Miami, and OMG but Stassi is gonna be so mad!

Now Jax is telling tales of revisionist history best left untranscribed regarding *grabbing,* and Schwartz confessionals that Jax’s stories don’t add up, regarding how much he remembers about this chick he may or may not have *bleeped* in the bathroom. Jax in real time says she was throwing up while he gallantly held back her hair, and Schwartz hilariously confessionals in his cowboy shirt about what an enthusiastic vomiter this chick was, as she kept yelling “Yeah baby, yeah baby!”

The Toms barrage Jax with questions and the most animated eyebrows you’ve seen in a long time, as Jax’s eyes widen with faux innocence, somehow growing brighter and greener in the process!

Sandoval asks Jax “for the record” if Jax hooked up in that bathroom, and Jax says no 100 times, all the while keeping his eyes closed shut and shaking his head around.


Seeing as no one’s buying his histrionics and don’t “have his back” this particular time, Jax in the bright light of day and via speaker phone tells Tiffany about having a girl in his room in San Diego.

Switch to “Bugatta” for the Queen Bee Faceoff: Stassi vs. Scheana! 

The two ladies volley for serve for quite awhile, but Scheana takes it when she drops the bomb that Katie’s coming to her bachelorette party. Stassi looks stunned and said she wasn’t aware.

The rest of the scene, both women seem genuinely hurt, confused, and upset, so I’ll just wrap it up by saying it concludes with them mutually agreeing that they’re not meant to be friends, and Stassi saying “So long” to Scheana and her turbans and unitards. 


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No More Santa Soaps

It’s been nearly a year now.

One out of almost 40. In the other 39, I knew you.

You were there, and now you’re not. And no matter how smart I get or how much time passes, I’ll never understand. Still don’t.

Why anyone has to go away, leave this Earth, say goodbye. It’s why I struggle to believe in God anymore.

Perhaps there will come a time when I go to shower in the morning, and the sunlit bathroom doesn’t fill me with sadness, because your bathroom is one of the last places I viscerally remember, even though you hadn’t been in it for months.

Perhaps there will come a day where I don’t ache from knowing you’re not here anymore.

Perhaps, but I don’t know.

I seriously don’t know anything, anymore.

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Vanderpump Rules: S3, Ep21: Secrets Revealed!

It’s pretty hard to express my level of excitement upon seeing that there is a “new” Vanderpump on my DVR, even if it is never-before scene footage from Season Three. It is something. Thank you Bravo; I was starting to get the shakes!

Andy Cohen, host of “Watch What Happens Live” tells us over clips that tonight Lisa and the gang of misfits (?) at SUR will be revealing all, as we see two bare male asses and Schwartz hilariously lamenting, “I saw Jax’s dick.”

Shay sings to Scheana! Vail rejects Peter! The boys get vitamin injections! Katie grows a spine! Jax loses the ability to lie convincingly! It’s all happening tonight, again, some more! And I’m stoked.

We flash all the way back to the reunion that just aired. Jax agrees that he says I love you to a lot of women, considering he’s such a commitment-phobe, and Lisa gets understandably creeped out by Jax’s tattooing names and faces of his exes all over his body.

Cut to a tattoo/piercing place. Jax is there with Sandoval to get Carmen’s name on his forearm covered up, and says that it’s not his first coverup. He used to have Stassi’s name, which got turned into a rose. Now he needs to cover up the Carmen tattoo because it made Tiffany (his girlfriend who hooked him up with a sweet suite in San Diego only to get cheated on when Jax had sex with some random in the bathroom) cry. Sandoval laughs and laughs at Jax’s having to cover up a tattoo he’s only had for a month, whilst dressed like the sun.


Jax confessionals that he has not, in fact, learned his lesson about getting girls’ names tattooed on his body. Tom is flabbergasted that Jax would get Carmen’s name tattooed on him if he wasn’t even that into her. Apparently Jax lost some bet with Carmen where he had to buy her some pair of shoes, and by getting the tattoo instead, Jax was saving $700 dollars. I can’t even, with that price tag for shoes, so let’s just move on. He covers it up with a flower, and it hurts.

Reunion. Kristen claims to have moved on from Sandoval, as we flash back to James’s apartment. He’s upset that Kristen remembers her breakup anniversary more than her and James’s dating anniversary. He wants her to get rid of her and Sandoval’s photos together, and delete Sandoval as much as possible from her life. Kristen hurts my heart by saying “photos of he and I,” and goes through the folder of pics, deleting Sandoval ones. She then confessionals that she does understand James’s frustration, but Sandoval still was her best friend for six years and they spent every day together. Crazy antics aside and as much as I think James seems awesome, that part I really do get. After cropping Sandoval out of one pic because she looks really hot in it, Kristen permanently deletes the rest of the photos, then smiles really sweetly at James and says “Skeletons gone.” Aw, I liked this scene.

Reunion. Andy asks Lisa if she plans to add any more restaurants here, or if she’s good with the existing three (Villa Blanca, Pump, and SUR). She says that’s enough, and we flash back to Pump’s pre-opening test run. Peter, Katie, Jen (apparently a SURver) Stassi, Ariana, and Stassi’s Mom (has got it going on!) sit at a table. Lisa says they are going to be her guinea pigs. The restaurant looks very pretty, outside with cool trees all around!


Ariana confessionals that in her experience, restaurant test runs are usually giant shitshows. Sure enough, we see the POS system having problems, which is always a total nightmare for everyone working, and the people at the aforementioned tables complaining that it’s been a long time and they are very hungry. In the end, they get their food and say it was definitely worth the wait. Lisa thanks them for their patience and they thank her for the dinner.

Reunion. Andy asks if Peter and Vail ever hooked up. Why weren’t they at the reunion in the first place? Scheana heard they made out, and sure enough, we see footage of them kissing :o Andy says Peter struggled with the ladies this season, as we flash back to Peter’s apartment. Stassi, Kristina, and Katie show up with a birthday cake they made for him and ask about his love life. He says he met a girl but can’t remember her name. She’s in his phone as “Blond Chick.” Turns out her name is Sarah, which Peter finds out when he calls and asks her out for “a drink or some food.”

Then Sarah’s like, “Well I am seeing someone, but I’m…always looking for friends,” and Stassi’s reaction makes me LOL:


Peter’s like um okay, and Stassi awesomely confessionals: “What girls need new guy friends that look like Peter?” 


Flashback to Sandoval’s apartment, where Schwartz talks about his latest modeling job, and says that Sandoval is his modeling muse. There’s some hilarious back and forth of confessionals and Sandoval and Schwartz doing all their modeling poses that Sandoval’s named as if they were yoga poses or Phoebe’s guitar chords. Schwartz and Ariana tease Sandoval a bit, and it’s actually really cute :-D

Flashback to SUR, where Jax is going out for a phone break in the alley. Some dude is rolling silver, and Katie is there too. Jax gives her a big apology for being a douche. Katie’s not even trying to hear it, because she knows he’s trying to cover his ass after cheating on Tiffany in San Diego. Jax makes that Very Sincere Surprised face that lets you know he’s probably lying and says he didn’t cheat. He finally walks away in defeat and Katie rolls her eyes.

Flashback to Jax surprising Sandoval and Schwartz with vitamin injections. That sounds really awesome to me, but Schwartz is scared and confessionals in a blue cowboy shirt/peasant blouse that he’s scared.

Ha! Sandoval tells the doctor he’s going to troll Schwartz, then starts yelling in fake pain from behind the closed door. In the waiting room, Schwartz looks terrified, and it is hilarious :-D Sandoval keeps limping and gasping in pain and generally acting like me after a waitressing shift. He says it’s fun to bully Schwartz once in awhile, and Jax jokes that he doesn’t know whether Schwartz is more afraid of needles or marrying Katie.




I’m totally feeling Schwartz’s pain as he waits for his injection. Not the needle part, I’m fine with those. But I’m pretty terrified of heights, and he looks like how I felt when I first got on the Batapult at Cave of the Winds after losing my religion on the ropes course, right down to the in-labor teeth breathing. So I do feel really bad for him, but it’s still hilarious to watch Jax and Sandoval laughing at him, and Sandoval warning him to make sure there’s no air bubbles in the liquid, or he’ll die.

Whoa, Schwartz then compares it to skydiving, after he gets through it and feels so relieved. I’m proud of you, Schwartz!

Reunion. Scheana says the only thing marriage has really changed for her and Shay is her name, and that life is happier and more blissful. Flashback to Scheana seeking Lisa’s help for Shay and her dad’s lack of rhythm. When Scheana mentions that her dad’s in his 50s, Lisa awesomely goes: “Excuse me, I’m in my 50s, and I was on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ It nearly killed me!” 

Cut to Scheana, Arianna, Shay, and Ron (Scheana’s dad) at Gleb’s dance studio. Gleb is Lisa’s partner from DwtS, and apparently very sexual. They all seem to be having fun, and then Scheana in a confessional sums up in one line everything that is amazing about this show and Scheana herself:

“I gotta twerk a little on my wedding day. I mean, obvi.

Reunion. Andy asks Schwartz why he thinks so many women still fall for Jax. He says it’s because Jax is really good at telling people what they want to hear, including Schwartz himself. Then he TOTALLY blushes when Jax says he loves Schwartz the most.

We flash back to an ep I didn’t see where they are all randomly in…a sauna? A sushi place? Really confused as to what this room is. But anyway, Jax has a bunch of girls in his phone as descriptions, not names, and says that he’s sexted multiple girls at once. And that one time, one of those women turned out to be his mother by accident.

Flashback to Miami, where they are all getting along, drunk on the beach, and swimming. Jax and Sandoval decide to skinny dip, and we see two rather lengthy shots of their bare asses, considering this is on Bravo. Jax laments that this year, only the guys are skinny dipping, whereas on past trips, it’s been girls.

Okay, I thought maybe we were going to get some answers about that confusing room everyone was in earlier. They show the building, and it’s named “Dream.” A clue! But then we get inside; the guys are gone, and the girls are drinking champagne while carving zucchini penises. I know it’s a coed bachelor/bachelorette party, but I’m still super confused about what this room is supposed to be.

Flashback to when Kati and Stassi were still friends and went on the J.D. Luxe fashion truck, which is apparently a thing in LA. You can buy dresses and jewelry, and hopefully no one traps you inside and kidnaps you.

They shop around and it does look like fun. Katie picks up a bra and says, “Oo, this one is really sexy too. It goes like, over the boobs,” and while I agree that it’s a sexy bra, I have absolutely no idea what that second part means.

Stassi says that while she loves the cute dresses, her favorite part of the trucks is that they have “so much great jewelry,” and it appears that Stassi has bought all of it and put it on at the same time.


Flashback to Lisa and her remarkable cleavage holding a meeting at “Fig & Olive” with a restaurant consultant named Todd. She wants to make sure she’s keeping her staff on its toes, and we flash even further back to a secret diner returning her “too sour” drink to Stassi, who cracks me up when she responds, “That’s probably because Jax made it.”


Todd’s going to be the secret diner tonight! He gets a drink from Jax and Ariana, then is seated by Vail, and waited on by Kristen. It’s bizarre to go from so many off-shift staff shenanigans to them all being so professional and gracious. Then Todd finds a hair on his plate. Kristen handles it well, but starts to get a little annoyed when she serves him a fresh new dish and he just wants dessert and doesn’t even want her to wrap up the new meal.

I guess time passes, because now Todd’s sitting down with Lisa and hands her a giant-ass binder, of which she is naturally terrified. “What could be in this manuscript?” she wonders. Then she basically rejects all his advice.

Flashback to a pizza party and Sandoval’s house. Scheana and Katie bicker about whether or not Scheana’s *allowed* to be friends with Kristen. Scheana says “Not everyone sucks Stassi’s asshole like you do, Katie.” I actually like all three ladies in different ways, but am with Scheana on this one completely. People like Stassi might enjoy having ladies in waiting, but IMO don’t really respect pushovers that much. Even Schwartz agrees with Scheana! Katie confessionals that she wants Schwartz to have her back more (DRINK!), and maybe it’s spliced in from a time she’s actually referring to Jax drama, which is more understandable. But I in no way think Schwartz is obligated to have her back over this nonsensical beef that occurred hours earlier in the club. Katie starts freaking out and gesticulating wildly, ranting about I don’t even know what. She storms out, all while Schwartz eats a slice of pizza in the kitchen and completely misses her departure, only to realize quite awhile later and everyone laughs at him :-D

Flashback to the night of Scheana and Shay’s wedding, post-reception. Shay’s written a song for Scheana that he’s performing with Sandoval and “Ryan.” He gets a line or two in, then is like “I can’t do this,” but it’s hard to tell if it’s because he feels too drunk, too shy, or both. Everyone encourages him to try again, and he ends up singing a song about how he and Scheana “will take this world by storm.” Everyone looks genuinely happy for them, and Scheana beams away and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still currently a little choked up. This freaking show, man.


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Vanderpump Rules: The Season 3 Finale Recap!

What you need to understand about “Vanderpump Rules” is that I had nothing to prepare me for it. There was no gateway drug. I never watched one episode of “Real Housewives.” Since my torrid love affair with the “Ashley Parker Angel” show, et al. back in ’05, the only reality show I’ve really watched since is “Survivor,” which IMO doesn’t count.

Naturally, I was like “Ugh, what is this nonsense?” upon seeing Kristen “pick up her mail” from Tom Sandoval’s house and get all dramatic. Not even sure why Bravo was on that day I fatefully turned on the television. But damn if I didn’t watch the rest of the marathon, then all the back eps I could find on demand.

This show is so strangely and powerfully addictive and it’s like, don’t think you can withstand the magic, because you barely get a second to look away from this abyss before it swallows you alive and next thing you know, you are sitting in ladybug PJ pants and a novelty sweatshirt on a sunny Saturday afternoon, writing about this shitshow. This wonderful, glorious shitshow. Please, Bravo. Sate us all and air Seasons One and Two this summer <3

For now, it’s all about the Season Three finale, which opens with “Previously this season, on ‘Vanderpump Rules’”:

They held a car wash, danced at clubs, kissed each other, and wore white in a photo shoot. Lisa said they were acting like trash. They danced on a boat, Scheana in a sailor hat, Sandoval in the outfit I wore to Adventureland in 1989, had I subbed out the shorts for a Speedo.


Fights break out! “Young and the Restless” Vail becomes a hostess! She and Jax flirt in the storyline that ended not with a literal or figurative bang, but a whimper! Scheana invites Katie to her wedding, and whilst wearing a turban, breaks the news to Stassi who is dressed like Hillary Clinton after raiding Cleopatra’s tomb! Katie wins hearts ‘round the world when she tells “betrayed” Stassi to Shut the *bleep* up! Scheana wears a crop-top wedding dress! Tom Schwartz is a cheater no he isn’t yes he is! He tries to skirt marriage for the time being by giving Katie a ring on a gold chain, and she proceeds to say “ring on a string” 70 billion times! Lisa counsels Katie! Tom Sandoval sobs into his cigarette as Kristen licks her lips in satisfaction! James can’t take any more of Kristen’s obsession, gets drunk at Scheana’s wedding, and Kristen punches him in the face! Scheana squeezes one last bit of “My Wedding” out of the situation, as her voice turns into a dog whistle, and Vail desperately clings for Vanderpump relevancy in the background!


Oooo, Lisa is tired of Kristen’s bullshit and she’s fired! A girl who went to my brother’s alma mater high school shows up in “Road Rules” Rachel’s lip gloss, insisting that yes she and Sandoval did so have sex in Miami, while Sandoval screams no they didn’t! People talking about the truth coming out! Sandoval like Schwartz makes his cheating Jax’s fault ‘cause he keeps *ratting them out*! Jax says in front of Scheana that yes 100%, Sandoval had sex with Miami girl. Kristen looks around in satisfaction like, “Now everyone will like me!” even though that crazy train departed a long time ago, but I hope it helps that WE love you on our televisions, Kristen!

Opening credits! What I love most about VP credits is that they’re like “Degrassi’s,” when they still had them. Jax, Sandoval, and Ariana are bartenders; Scheana, Katie, and Kristen are waitresses! Stassi and Schwartz don’t work! Lisa is a dragon goddess that you don’t want to cross and looks gorgeous at all times, this particular one in a purple satin dress! Group shot, and now we’re finally starting the finale!

Lisa talks to Tommy Garcia the photographer in the parking lot of a really cool pink motel, named thusly. She’s using it for her latest photo shoot, and I really do think Lisa puts on amazing displays, whether it’s a parade or a photo shoot. This time, she’s going for a ‘50s theme. I like that even though she’s done the bathing suit thing, even that was artistic, and she doesn’t just do the bathing suit thing.

Lisa describes her vision to Tommy while looking every bit as stunning in a plain white tee and jeans as she did in the purple dress. Oh and I just noticed the pink in the ends of her hair! I love Lisa so much, but will try to stop gushing because we have a photo shoot to get to!

There’s a pink convertible on set — not sure if that’s always there at the hotel or brought in just for the occasion, but it’s all really cool, visually. The gang arrives to get ready, and Jax says the hotel is like “Bates Motel meets Miami in the ‘50s.”

As they get made up, Katie informs Scheana that Stassi is still not talking to her, and confessionals that she and Stassi are moving apart — Stassi is learning to embrace her hatred, and Katie’s learning to let hers go. I freaking love Katie. Oh and whoa. To say that big necklaces are back would appear to be an understatement:


So to speak. Because apparently, “statement necklaces” are a thing. Much like bandage dresses, I have no idea when this happened. Why are they statement necklaces? This is what happens when I skip the gym and don’t read Cosmo on the elliptical.

Scheana and Katie discuss whether Schwartz will ever propose while looking amazing in no makeup. Scheana shuts Jax down when he poo poos marriage. Scheana and Jax’s friendship is one of my favorite parts of the show. The Jaxes of this world need female friends who don’t sleep with them and who call them on their shit.

Katie stuffs her shirt and apparently “Dani, SUR server” exists, because there she is, skateboarding in a bikini. As people…did in the ‘50s?

Jax shaves. Sandoval talks about his head shape and Clinique bronzer. Lisa calls the girls out of the motel/dressing room and while they all look beautiful, Katie looks SLAMMING. She correctly VOs that the ‘50s are a really good look for her.

And James is the VIP for the boys! They all look good as well, but James is knocking it out of the park with the James Dean thing. Photos are taken, and Jax self-admires his Botox.

They go for a break, and Scheana pulls Sandoval aside to tell him Jax told her Sandoval did indeed sleep with Miami girl. Scheana confessionals that she tries to bring all her friends together, and it causes her a lot of anxiety when they fight, so “thank you Kristen.” Sandoval confessionals that only two days ago, he’d asked Jax not to talk about him to Kristen because bitch be crazy. Somehow this translates into how Jax shouldn’t talk to Scheana either and Sandoval’s cheating magically becomes about Jax who may be a boor, but I personally think gets dumped on, personal-responsibility-wise. While he may lie a lot and be an opportunistic friend oftentimes, where you put your penises truly are your own individual responsibilities. IMHO!

OT: Are Jax and Sandoval in a Parisian cafe in this flashback?


Anyway, Sandoval sulks and says Jax is a liar. Scheana thinks Jax has actually been on “more of a truth kick” this year. Sandoval’s mad because this gives Kristen “ammo,” and I love how Kristen is this season’s Vanderpump Big Bad. Sandoval disagrees vehemently with Scheana on the truth kick, and can’t believe he has to do yet another awkward photo shoot where he’s mad at Jax. We flash back to a different photo shoot that I didn’t have the pleasure of witnessing yet. Scheana’s like, well he’s your BFF. Sandoval says he’s not and Scheana responds, “Whatevs.”

Lisa calls everyone back to the set and has donned cat’s-eye-but-not, pink-rimmed sunglasses. Of course she wants “just the two guys” for the next shot; i.e., Jax and Sandoval. I love this show.

Costume/set change! The whole SUR gang’s there, not just the main cast, and are working bathing suits into the equation via ‘50s beach movie.

They go to the dressing room for touchups, and complain that it’s hot. Scheana brings up her dinner with Jax, Rachel, and Kristen (wherein Jax said Tom slept with Miami girl). Ariana gets all pissy and says “I can not be talking to somebody while he’s *bleeping* somebody.” Which from what I hear about Paris Hilton’s sex tape, is incorrect. Then she says that FaceTime wouldn’t work in Sandoval’s (Miami) room.

Oh honey.

Scheana reminds Ariana that Sandoval cheated with Ariana on Kristen and didn’t ‘fess up for years. She just doesn’t want Ariana to be naive. Ariana hilariously replies, “I am the least naive person on this planet.” Then even more awesomely goes on to say “I’m smarter than every *bleeping* person I’ve ever met in my life.” Then Scheana’s like, do you 100% believe with all your heart that he didn’t cheat? Ariana replies in the affirmative, and Scheana really sweetly says okay, that’s the last she’ll bring it up. Scheana’s my favorite; I just love her sassiness and even more, how she really does seem to put her friends’ happiness above her own. She says “I love you” and beams at Ariana, who replies “I love you too.”

Establishing shots show us we’re changing locations to Schwartz, who’s gone back to his and Katie’s couples therapist on his own. I really admire that. In my own way, I actually like all the guys on this show, but Schwartz seems like the kindest one. He sits on the couch wearing Mr. Rogers couture and Carol Seaver glasses, and admits he’s terrified to get married, that the idea of being with one person for the rest of his life sounds so bad to him. He confessionals that it scares him — “How do you know?” that you won’t be one of the 50% to get divorced?

Photo shoot. Lisa confessionals that the kids should “take a page out of that book,” as in the pre-sexual revolution ‘50s. Hee. They’re now doing a “Grease” thing with the whole group next to/on/in the pink convertible. This seriously despite the heat looks like so much fun.

They break so that Tom can pull Jax aside to confront him about “ratting.” Jax is predictably stammery, making that face little kids make when they’re trying to lie to you and practically go cross eyed furrowing their brow in faux confusion. Arianna wanders up looking like Lucille Ball in her underwear and wants to join the conversation of which she’s a subject. Jax walks away and we get scene 1, 082 about Miami girl and how Jax is a liar, and Tom and Arianna are the most In Love Couple of all time 4eva.

Vail flirts with Peter, which was already old three eps ago, and the gang goes back to work for the last shot. Lisa has changed into a strapless black lace dress for the occasion, and they pose in front of the Pink Motel sign. “That’s a wrap!”


Guess who’s back, back again! Stassi, the OG SUR Queen Bee! She’s dressed in a flowing white dress, and in a confessional talks about how she thought maybe she blew it with Lisa last time, seeing as how she talked about stealing Lisa’s liquor and drinking on the clock, then told Lisa off. Her boobs look HUGE in this confessional, by the way. She recently took off the post-SUR weight she’d gained, but I think she looks amazing with it on. Anyway, Lisa’s called Stassi down in order to 1) chide her for being mean to Katie, and 2) invite her to the party that night.

“James’ (sic) Apartment.” He and Kristen pick out clothes for the party that he literally begged Lisa to let Kristen attend, we see via flashback. As they have conversation 1,083 about Sandoval and Miami girl, James makes Kristen promise that tonight, no matter how it goes down, will be the last of this nonsense. YES PLZ FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! But keep Kristen on the show!

SUR’s 10th Anniversary Party. Everyone helpfully arrives in order, so that all is happiness and hugs until Kristen walks in, and it is gloriously Scarlett O’Hara arriving to the party despite everyone’s hating her, right down to her red dress. She looks amazing btw. Katie confessionals that it’s kind of sad, what a huge loser Kristen is, as Kristen asks a SUR bartender if he misses her. This is his face in response:


Ariana and Sandoval arrive, so Kristen ignores them and texts/Instagrams away, as Sandoval confessionals that it’s not a party without his number one stalker :-D

Lisa and her husband arrive with their dog, and she asks Shay if he’s knocked Scheana up yet. They’re wearing glo necklaces! Even Lisa Freaking Vanderpump enhances parties with glo jewelry! This is like one of the most validating moments of my life. 

Kristina and Stassi show up. Stassi confessionals that she hopes Jax will be predictably late and she’ll miss him. She is dressed like one of the ladies in the “Addicted to Love” video, plus a cute skirt ruffle and (DRINK!) gigantic gold necklace. Stassi, Kristen, Kristina, and some randoms cheers with shots. Scheana confessionals that Stassi needed to come because she’s unemployed and the party’s open bar. Katie says from her corner that Stassi’s so fake, and Stassi loudly says it’s so weird to see Katie being friends with Scheana. I’m digging Scheana’s fish braid! Kristina says that if Katie really cared, she’d get up and try to talk to Stassi. Wtf, Kristina? Aren’t you supposed to be Katie’s friend too?

Stassi pulls Katie aside to talk to her, while we see Jax arriving :o Lisa offers to buy him a drink, which confuses me because open bar, but I think she’s joking.

Stassi and Katie bicker some more about Katie’s ostensible betrayal. Stassi’s so frustrating. She’s clearly a smart woman, and during arguments like these will appear to soften. But then she says things like “You switched sides!” to Katie. She confessionals that it’s like Katie’s a host body for the Scheana parasite, which is awesome, but also seems like jealous projection to me. She gets up to leave, because this is “too hurtful.” Poor Katie.


But Katie doesn’t need my stinkin’ sympathy, and confessionals in a lacy green dress that she feels bad for Stassi, because she thrives on the animosity that Katie’s learning to let go of.

Back to the party. SUR looks gorgeous. I’m not really into fancy “hot spots,” even back in my 20s when I was a 40-minute train ride to NYC, but SUR is amazing. I totally want to go when I visit California with Josh.

Anyhoo, Vail flirts with Jax while Peter watches. She saunters away, and Peter says to Jax, “No comment at this point,” and they poke their proverbial straws around the LITs that will never be Vail.

Lisa and Kristen talk and Lisa (DRINK!) looks beyond incredible, like an elegant, brunette Jessica Rabbit. Her cranberry dress is paired with a necklace that looks like I’d imagine a hummingbird trap, should such a thing exist. Lisa tells Kristen that if she was truly happy in herself, she wouldn’t care what Tom is doing — “let him go.” And that Kristen should make things right with Tom and Arianna.

Katie returns to Scheana and the gang, telling them what happened, and they call Stassi not only deluded, but also delusional.

Stassi tells Lisa that her talk with Katie didn’t go so well, just as Jax walks into the room. Stassi freaks at the sight of him and says it’s time for her to leave. Lisa admonishes her to not be a baby, but Stassi leaves anyway. Lisa confessionals that facing your problems is the only way to make them go away.

Stassi confessionals that “It’s not like SUR is the hotel in The Shining,” making this the second finale reference to evil hotels/motels. She says it’s the people who are evil. Kristina hugs her goodbye, and Stassi looks around at the place she used to rule and now can’t even be inside of, and walks home.


Back from commercial, the gang gives us a “So long, Stassi” montage, where they say so long to her and:

her jealousy of Scheana

her tiara

her “It’s my birthday!” meltdowns

her corny statement necklaces

her trying to boss Scheana around

It ends with Jax waving bye-bye. Ouch. Personally, I hope to see Stassi again.

Back inside SUR, Kristen and Peter call Vail out on being a cocktease, as Sandoval and Jax go off to have convo 1,084 about Sandoval and the Miami girl. Jax says he never said Sandoval and Miami girl had sex, over clips of him saying exactly that. Then Kristen joins them, much to their obvious delight. Sandoval asks if Jax said he hooked up with Miami girl, and Kristen totally ups this show’s obsession with percents, as he did say that, “a million percent, multiple times.” Then we get flashbacks of Kristen’s denial of “banging Jax” when she was with Sandoval and Jax was with Stassi, before finally admitting to it. Jax yells at her that regardless of this outcome, nobody’s going to like her now! We like her, Jax. But his point is nonetheless valid. They awesomely gaze around at each other, fighting over who’s deflecting, and it’s pretty remarkable how minus Schwartz, it’s like the pool-stick scene in “The Dark Knight,” because it’s a pretty even match regarding everyone’s terribleness, at least in this particular moment.

Then Sandoval yells what might be the most quintessential line in a season full of amazing words:

“Kristen, you burn through friends like Jax burns through *bleeping* condoms!”

Kristen confessional. She finally claims to be done, and hands over the Sandoval Love Torch to Ariana. In real time, she walks away. I really want a red dress like hers. Princess Leia chain necklaces aside, I’m digging the classic yet fun and vibrant dresses this episode.

Sandoval yells at Jax some more, and says a couple of times that he doesn’t know where to go from here, but unfortunately does not burst into song like Buffy. They should SO do a musical ep of “Vanderpump Rules!”

Kristen goes up to Ariana’s table and says she’s said everything she could to both her and Sandoval, so “good luck,” and walks away as Ariana, Katie, and Lisa look mystified.

Sandoval apologizes to Ariana for all of the Kristen nonsense, and then proposes…that she move in with him. Her sweet reaction is the most open I’ve ever seen her look, and it makes me like her more. Sandoval confessionals that a year ago, his life was turned upside down by the two people he cared about most. That really does suck. He goes on to say he’s so thankful to trust someone again, and he’s never had a connection like he does with Ariana. They start to suck face and Lisa awesomely mutters, “This is awkward.” Katie confessionals that she totally (100% or a million, Katie?) is happy for Sandoval and Ariana and hopes they get married, just not before her! Then she and Lisa leave “before Ariana gets pregnant.” Sandoval and Ariana each look happier than I’ve ever seen and I’m happy for them, but thought they already lived together, so am confused.

Oooooo. Awesome pink couch with white lights going across the top. Katie joins Schwartz on it, and they have the same conversation they’ve had all season about marriage, only this time 1) Schwartz compares getting married to hiking Mount Everest, because he’s afraid of marriage just like Katie’s afraid of heights and 2) Katie gives him an ultimatum: six months to figure out what he wants. I feel for both of them; I really do. Katie confessionals that she needs to start looking at the next six months as either the beginning or the end of her and Schwartz’s relationship. In real time, Schwartz cries. In his confessional, he looks absolutely terrified at agreeing to the ultimatum. 

Lisa pours shots from a “Vanderpump”-labeled bottle. Of what I don’t know, but it’s cool regardless. Lisa seems drunk but in a charming way, and gives a weird speech about how short Jax’s porno is going to be. Then she presents a slideshow of pics from the photo shoot, as she confessionals that she has a gorgeous staff, though sometimes she wishes they were more beautiful on the inside.

Scheana confessionals that she can’t believe she’s been working at SUR for four years now. She not only married the man of her dreams, but also “cut some bitches out of (her) life.”

Of course, we can’t assume the Big Bad’s completely down for the count! Kristen rolls her eyes and mock barfs when an actually pretty hot picture of Arianna and Sandoval is shown. Scheana says there’s no need for that, and Kristen says “I give up.” She and James leave, as her voiceover drops f-bombs on Scheana, Jax, and Sandoval. Kristen says she just wants to move on with James, and it’s ABOUT TIME, Kristen. James seems super awesome and he loves you. Let yourself be happy again!

Vail looks phenomenal in a cool cut-out little black dress, beautiful hair more lovely than ever, and seems to be looking for another sex invitation from Jax, but he walks out alone into the night. The editors get an A+ for cutting between a Jax confessional where he waxes philosophical about having no regrets, and his truck in the lot getting towed.


The gang toasts! Lisa talks about how much she loves her group of kids! And it is


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Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep 8: Lonely Hearts

“Lonely Hearts” opens with Sandy and Rhonda in a store, trying on hats and dancing around. Some dude we’ve never seen before peers at them through the window. Sandy finds this charming, not creepy, and beams at him through the window. He recommends via pantomime that she pick a different hat, then walks in and hits on her. His name is Paul, and he asks her out to dinner. They agree to meet at “Angelini’s” at eight.


Dinner. Paul’s wearing a suit and Sandy’s wearing a really cool lacy lavender dress with a green lacy cardigan over it. Sandy looks bored out of her mind and when he asks if “red’s okay,” she says she prefers white. I feel bad for this guy. Despite the weird peering through the window thing, he’s being really nice and trying his best. Sandy’s just acting like a lump.

Melrose Place. Allison comes home and hold onto your seat belts, guys: she’s pissed off. Car trouble! Billy says he’ll take her car shopping. She says she doesn’t have the money, but Billy says “Trust me,” he’ll help her get a loan. Allison gets ice eyes and hilariously responds, “Every time I trust you, something terrible happens.” Damn, that’s cold.

Weird dissolve (I think??) back to Sandy’s date. Paul’s talking about working in the nursery business and Sandy is looking really bored. It seems she only finds him interesting when he’s complimenting her beauty. He asks her about her childhood and she just gives a terse response. When he invites her to Venice Beach to get dessert, she declines. Then he insists on following her home and kisses her, saying he’d really love to go out with Sandy again. Way to read the room, Paul. She keeps turning him down and he keeps asking, then leaves all sad puppy dog. Depressing music plays as she starts to go upstairs, but lo and behold, Jake’s been sitting there the whole time, drinking a beer! They do their flirt-but-not thing. Rhonda comes out to ask for details, and Sandy laughs that she’s living in a building full of voyeurs, and her delivery’s really cute. She tells Rhonda that she’s “kissed walls with more passion.” The scene ends bizarrely, with Jake going “Ouch!” and pulling his hat over his face.


Fantastic. Billy and Allison are shopping in a used-car lot. It’s everything you could dream of and more. Allison finds her dream car, a red convertible, and Billy keeps pulling her around by the arm. She seriously seems like a kidnap victim in a Lifetime movie. Billy makes them leave, since the salesman will only offer Allison $300 for her old car. He suggests she sell it on her own, then go buy the convertible.

Melrose Place. The gang is having a pool party, and Sandy strolls home with beer, chips, and buns. And freaking PAUL is there with red roses. Stalk much, Paul? I really like Sandy’s outfits this ep! Now she’s in a denim/patchy jumper with a yellow sleeveless shirt underneath. She tells Paul she has a lot to do today, but then agrees to walk him to his car. I know it wasn’t written yet in ’92, but Sandy needs a copy of The Gift of Fear in a serious way. She finally tells him she’s just not that into him and he looks all despondent.

Morning. Sandy wakes up to a radio announcer talking about the Santa Ana winds. I feel like I’ve heard more about Santa Ana winds on Spelling shows than in the rest of my life combined. Sandy has one of those phones that I miss, and it is pink!


She gets up to find Rhonda packing for Houston, then goes outside for some air. She looks horrified to see the pool filled with water lilies from Paul, with a note saying he wanted to give her a little taste of home. Michael and Jane are cleaning the lilies out of the pool. I hope Sandy offers to help!

Absolutely riveting scene of Allison trying to sell her “Betsy” to an older lady who knows a lot about cars.

Melrose Place. Sandy complains to Jake that it was easier to date in a small town. I can’t believe that’s true. Jake says she should consider why she’s not giving this guy a chance. No she shouldn’t, Jake! Good Lord, that is terrible advice!

Shooters. Allison and Billy are playing pool and talk about Allison’s car some more. Billy psychoanalyzes Allison’s connection to Betsy and tells her to buy the convertible.

Ugh. Rhonda and Matt are telling Sandy they want to buy PAUL whatever he wants because he donated plants to the halfway house! Why are Sandy’s friends the worst? Why are they encouraging this stalker?! They leave Sandy with Paul and she tries again to get him to see she doesn’t want him, then walks away to work. Jake comes over and Paul tells him it wasn’t all him; when they first met, “she was really friendly” and flirting. He says he’s gotta keep trying and walks away. Sandy thanks Jake, who gets all judgey on Sandy about flirting. She gets understandably pissed off.

Sandy walks home in the dark by herself, while someone follows her. She’s scared, and it doesn’t help to come home to an empty apartment, as Rhonda’s left for Houston. Her answering machine blinks ominously, and of course there are messages from Paul, who creepily calls her “Babe.” The messages start at around two a.m., not helping matters, and Sandy starts to cry. The last message is him saying “Where are you baby?” They’re really disturbing.

Sandy plays the messages for Jake, Jane, and Michael.  She gets upset when Michael doesn’t take it seriously, and storms out.

Cut to Sandy lying in bed, unable to sleep. The phone rings, and it’s actually pretty scary. She just looks at it, face full of fear.

Next day. Jake works on his bike next to the pool again, even though Michael’s asked him not to, while Billy waxes philosophical about cars and relationships. Billy leaves, and Sandy comes home. She tells Jake she went to the police about Paul’s stalking. Jake tells her he will protect her, and Sandy’s grateful.

Another scene of Allison trying to sell her car, this time to a girl in a fast-food uniform. Allison feels guilty about taking the girl’s money and lets her know it’s really not a reliable car.

Night time. Jake walks Sandy to her door, but does not go inside to check to make sure Paul’s not IN there. Sure ‘nuff. Sandy starts yelling that her window is open. Jake goes to look around, and Sandy finds her bed COVERED in roses and rose petals. Then the phone starts ringing. I could do without the car drama, but the A plotline is surprisingly good! She lets the machine pick up, and Paul says he’s working late and thinking of her — the rose petals sticking to her body, her scent mixing with the flowers. Super creepy! Jake picks up the phone and calls Paul a “sick son of a bitch.” Paul hangs up. Jake takes Sandy to his place and tells her to stay inside and lock the door. He’s going to the nursery.

Jake hops a fence to get to the building, which lucky for him is unlocked. He finds Paul leaving another message for Sandy, so he punches him in the face. Then he says that if Paul comes near Sandy again, Jake will kill him.

Jake returns to Sandy and says “He won’t bother you anymore.” Sandy doesn’t seem too worried about what exactly that means. He tells her to stay there tonight.

Ha, so the next scene is Sandy lying down, looking happy. I’m hearing “American Beauty”-esque music and thinking, whoa, sometimes “Melrose Place” was really ahead of its time! But it is Josh listening to Thomas Newman upstairs :-D Anyway, Sandy reminisces over the first time she and Jake met. He looks uncomfortable and tells her to go to sleep.

Next day. Allison’s getting ready to say goodbye to her car and gives a nostalgic monologue that I’m pretty surprised to be getting choked up by. Speaking of getting choked up, Allison lost her virginity in the backseat of the car. She’s sad to say goodbye, but knows it’s time.

Morning. Sandy’s cooking breakfast for Jake and says he is out of grits. Mmm, grits. He looks pleased despite himself, as she forces him to sit down and enjoy. Meanwhile, though she said she made eggs, bacon, and corned beef, all I see on Jake’s plate is one little egg and half a cantaloupe. Here we almost made it through a whole ep without confusing food! Thank you MP, for not disappointing. They look really happy and even though I know Amy Locane’s leaving the show and I remember liking his next girlfriend Jo, I find myself really rooting for Jake and Sandy. This scene makes me legit happy for these two fictional people from 23 years ago.

But oh no! There is a knock at the door! It’s some police, there to ask Jake “a few questions” about punching Paul, who’s lodged a complaint. Jane and Michael come by, all concerned. Michael apologizes and calls Sandy “man.” Jane is wearing every shirt from Tri-County Flea Market in the early ‘90s, somehow combined into one. Sandy says that she’s got to do something about this.

Used car lot. Billy tells Allison she bottles up her feelings, and she calls him an arrogant jerk. Then she says she’s not ready to say goodbye to Betsy, and gets her old car back.

Sandy shows up at the nursery to confront Paul. She tells his boss that he’s a creepy stalker and when Paul tries to get her to pipe down, she says not until Paul drops the charges against Jake. He whines about feeling alone in a big town, and that he loves her. She tells him again, some more, that it’s never going to work between them. She says if he calls or comes near her again, she’s going to the police. He says okay, he’ll leave her alone. She stalks off (so to speak) and he says under his breath that he’s sorry.

Shooters. Jake tells Sandy that Paul dropped the charges and then he offers to walk her home. “You don’t have to,” she says. But HE says “I know. I want to.” Sandy looks super happy.

Melrose Place. Billy sits in the dark watching “Nosferatu” and eating…ice cream with peanut M&Ms on it? Allison wakes up and he explains that this is his ritual — waking up in the middle of the night when he knows there will be a scary movie on, and he’s done it since he was a kid. Aw. Billy is looking extra Tom Sandoval (“Vanderpump Rules”) in this scene. Allison snuggles up next to him and says she loves scary movies. Billy says it’s a primal thing. She retorts that it’s an immature thing, but who’s gonna know? And Courtney Thorne-Smith does some really nice, self-deprecating acting that is much better than it needs to be. She steals Billy’s ice cream, makes it clear that’s as sharey-feely as she’s getting for the night, and they watch the movie.



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Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep7: My Way


Things do not bode well for this ep, as it opens with Sandy auditioning for something that involves screaming. But I will try and keep an open mind, since Sandy’s been growing on me lately. It is made clear that this role is no more than that, and Sandy is very disappointed.

Allison and Billy’s. Allison is dressed like Sigfried and Roy and washing dishes when Billy walks in, shirtless (DRINK!). Turns out his paper went under, so he’s bummed out. He frantically looks for the idea for a story he wrote down on a cocktail napkin, but Allison had cleaned up earlier and thrown it out. Billy gets mad, but it’s not like she threw out a manuscript. Meanwhile, he finds it in the trash can and it looks smudged, but I’m sure he could garner the idea from what’s there. Instead, he stomps around and pouts as Allison leaves for work. He lets the answering machine pick up the ringing phone and looks alarmed to hear his mother reminding him about Palm Springs this weekend.

Jane and Michael’s bedroom. Michael tries to find room for the baby’s crib, but hurts his foot, and Jane takes him to the hospital, despite his protests.

D&D Advertising. Billy shows up to apologize with flowers to Allison, who is very busy. He invites her to Palm Springs for some contrived purpose. The scene ends very strangely, and we go to…

Shooters! Oh God, it’s Jake and Sandy. Sandy looks really nice. She’s toned down her hair color and makeup and it’s working. Rhonda comes in and Joey Tribbianis in reverse, telling Sandy there were no messages only YEAH there was; Sandy got the part! They hug and Jake looks sweetly happy for Sandy.


You know what’s even better than a regular Billy/Allison scene? An overdubbed Billy/Allison scene! Which we get as they drive in Billy’s car that looks like my childhood and they do their bicker-banter. Billy is wearing what I was going to joke are boxer shorts. Then I remembered that it was the early ‘90s, and boxers were my jam! (Though not jams.) My favorite episode of “Major Dad” was where Elizabeth led the Boxer Rebellion in school! However, I don’t even think guys really wore them as clothing back then, but I could be wrong.

Not sure what the postal service did to piss off Bldg. C (Billy’s parents’ place), but the latter is clearly winning this round of psychological warfare:


Allison is horrified that Billy’s sisters won’t be there. Why, I don’t know. It’s not like she’s met them. Allison freaking overreacts to everything and seriously needs to get laid or smoke some weed. Or probably eat more nutrients. Possibly all three.

Oh, and Billy’s told his parents that Allison is his girlfriend.

Rhonda and Sandy’s. Sandy can’t concentrate on her script because Rhonda is playing her music too loud. Rhonda agrees to turn it down and they talk about Sandy’s career. Sorry ladies, but that’s as much as I plan on recapping about this scene, because it’s really boring.

Billy’s parents’. There is intense comedy going on, because as we all now know, they think that Allison is Billy’s girlfriend! And Allison’s resting bitch face becomes active in a way that only Allison can achieve. She pulls Billy outside to chew Billy out. Billy btw has paired his boxer shorts with a pajama top. He can pull it off, but only because he’s a soccer player. Most people would look even more absurd. The scene ends super weirdly, as Allison says “I am really gonna kill you for this” while giving him a tight-lipped smile while the “Melrose Place” sex music kicks in and they stare at each other for 17 minutes.

Dinner. Need I mention the confusing nature of the food and beverage situation? Because it looks like Allison is pouring vodka into a wine glass for Allison, but I doubt it. There are also more sauces on the table than seems normal. They talk about talent and Billy’s family and PopTV looks more genius than ever for skipping straight to the end of this season when they started airing this last month. Yada yada, will Billy ever Make It As a Writer or should he become a salesman like his father? The ‘90s really made it seem like you had two career path options: follow your dream or sell something.

Rhonda/Sandy’s. Sandy is wearing a little black dress and even though it’s not even that skimpy, somehow looks like underwear. She is going to a Hollywood party with her casting director and is very excited! 

The MP gang shows up to surprise Sandy with balloons and champagne for getting her big role. Sandy is thankful but says she has a date, which is not just a date but career related, yet for some reason Rhonda yells at her and everyone else judges Sandy with their eyes. It’s not like she knew they were coming! This episode is so weird.

Billy’s parents’. No. I can’t even with a scene about whether Billy’s a disappointment to his dad. Let’s move on.

Bedtime, and Billy’s shirtless! DRINK! He’s changed into different boxer shorts and Allison wanders in wearing one of those puffy and whimsical bathrobes everyone on TV in the ‘90s had. Allison doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as Billy, ‘cause cooties! She then awesomely says that this is her worst nightmare; like if that’s the case, then count your blessings kid! Some people have nightmares worse than sleeping next to a hot guy.



GOD. Now they’re making us hear about Billy’s freaking dreams and self worth again. I’m going to go check my farm until this ends.

Never mind, we’re back at Melrose Place. Sandy comes home drunk and since it’s television, she just laughs and laughs even though the casting dude didn’t even bother walking her inside the complex so she is all by herself, just laughing away. Jake comes out and acts angry, then turned on. And since it’s been 30 seconds since we had a scene about whether one cast member believes in another cast member, Sandy says that Jake never did. Then he sexily invites her for a midnight swim, but she says “You had your chance, Jake. You had your chance.” She swings around on the banister to her apartment, but thankfully does not fall down and crack her head on the patio. Then she positively cackles as she goes upstairs.

Morning at Billy and Allison’s. Allison comes in to judge Billy (DRINK!), saying she didn’t know he owned a tie. I’m not sure that the best time to talk about another’s clothes is while wearing a blue denim shirt and maroon bellboy blazer, but that’s just me. He’s off to his sales job, and we get more fascinating talk about his crushed soul.

Cut to Billy’s job, where he tries to sell a couch to two of the most awesome under-fivers I’ve ever seen. That couple is serious about couch shopping. There’s another scene with Billy and his dad where they talk about chintz and Billy’s self worth, and where is the show about hot people in bikinis?

Jane comes home to Michael cooking her dinner. He says he is making “veggies and LAY-gumes.” He is on crutches, but as he takes the pot from the stove, his crutch falls away, the pot falls, and the towel in his hands catches on fire! Which is officially the most interesting thing to happen in this episode so far. Jane sprays him with the sink hose and goes to pick up two quarter pounders.

Melrose Place. Billy comes home all mopey, so it seems we’re in for a real treat. Allison hands him mail from Ed McMahon, rest in peace. And that is seriously the whole scene.

Morning at Sandy and Rhonda’s. Sandy looks beautiful in pale blue. She calls Rhonda out on being bitchy, about time. Sandy’s not acting like a diva at all IMO. And I agree with her when she says people are being selfish, because no one begrudges their successes, and she works really hard. Sandy makes one last plea for Rhonda to be her friend, then says she’s going to move out, and Rhonda tells her to break a leg in a mean way. I like Rhonda, but I’m 100% on Sandy’s side here.

Sandy’s movie. She looks pleased with the take they just did and is dressed like porno Mary Ann from “Gilligan’s Island.” The director is MAD creepy, and she says she wants to do another take, only this time the killer should slowly rip open Sandy’s blouse with a knife, one button at a time. I don’t even know what I would do in Sandy’s position. Shit like that really pisses me off. Enough women are willing to do enough things that you shouldn’t be sneaking things like sexual violence into scenes without the actor’s permission. Sandy says pretty much this, and does a really good job looking upset and gobsmacked. The director says if she doesn’t want to do it, she’ll replace her. So Sandy does it, and she’s not even wearing a bra! That makes the whole thing even more messed up.

Morning. Sandy is packing her things and acts like everything is fine to Rhonda, who looks concerned.

Billy’s trying to sell a couch to Seinfeld’s mom! They get into a fight about discounts. Billy’s dad tells him to apologize to her, and he refuses.

Sandy starts to leave Melrose Place, but Jake demands to know what is wrong. She tells him what we saw, but then reveals (so to speak) that she couldn’t go through with it.

D&D. Billy shows up to pester Allison at work, and makes a creepy comment about “nubile” teenage girls, then leaves. I’m not even kidding.

Nighttime at Melrose Place. Michael sits on the couch and says he only wants a “smidgen” of Jane’s pasta. He gazes at his navel and talks about trust and parenthood. WHAT SHOW AM I WATCHING ANYWAY!

Rhonda and still-Sandy’s, as she and Rhonda make up and eat leftover birthday cake.

Billy shows up at his dad’s store, and actually says, “My life is not about furniture. I know that in my heart.”  When he finally leaves and gets back to Melrose Place, he has another boring conversation, this time with Allison. He tells her she’s coming with him and his family on their houseboat. The scene goes on far too long, but then we are blessedly at



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Oh! Hi, Love <3

I’m going to New York again, this August. Same place I was born, in the year and month in which I turn 40.

I could not be happier for why I’m going. My BFF’s sister is my honorary one, and we saw “Gremlins 2″ together. That’s a kind of bond that doesn’t get broken :)

But the last time I wrote a blog about going back to New York was for a wedding. The one after that was after I’d been there, for a funeral for my Nanny.

When we heard she only had a few months left, I got super prepared to go back and live in her house with her. But she left that night.

Still, I flew back to see her — both times. The first time was the last time I really saw her. She was so happy and funny, and I hugged her goodbye, but I didn’t want it to be the last time. I never did, and maybe, probably, I never thought it would be.

The idea of flying back and knowing, dark as it sounds, that she’s not even in a funeral home makes me not want to. She was the root of everything I loved about life, about Long Island — how can I go, knowing she’s not there anymore?

And I realize then that these questions come from a place of hoping against hope and reality, that the world will stop moving.

“Your life is ahead of you, Judith,” Nanny said to me in 2010, the last time we spent legit quality hours together.

“Mine is behind me,” she then said. And I scoffed. Told her no, even though I knew she was mostly right. Because I wanted her to live forever.

“Appreciate all of it,” she said.

So I’m going to try to, harder than ever.

I love you, Nanny.

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