Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep7: My Way


Things do not bode well for this ep, as it opens with Sandy auditioning for something that involves screaming. But I will try and keep an open mind, since Sandy’s been growing on me lately. It is made clear that this role is no more than that, and Sandy is very disappointed.

Allison and Billy’s. Allison is dressed like Sigfried and Roy and washing dishes when Billy walks in, shirtless (DRINK!). Turns out his paper went under, so he’s bummed out. He frantically looks for the idea for a story he wrote down on a cocktail napkin, but Allison had cleaned up earlier and thrown it out. Billy gets mad, but it’s not like she threw out a manuscript. Meanwhile, he finds it in the trash can and it looks smudged, but I’m sure he could garner the idea from what’s there. Instead, he stomps around and pouts as Allison leaves for work. He lets the answering machine pick up the ringing phone and looks alarmed to hear his mother reminding him about Palm Springs this weekend.

Jane and Michael’s bedroom. Michael tries to find room for the baby’s crib, but hurts his foot, and Jane takes him to the hospital, despite his protests.

D&D Advertising. Billy shows up to apologize with flowers to Allison, who is very busy. He invites her to Palm Springs for some contrived purpose. The scene ends very strangely, and we go to…

Shooters! Oh God, it’s Jake and Sandy. Sandy looks really nice. She’s toned down her hair color and makeup and it’s working. Rhonda comes in and Joey Tribbianis in reverse, telling Sandy there were no messages only YEAH there was; Sandy got the part! They hug and Jake looks sweetly happy for Sandy.


You know what’s even better than a regular Billy/Allison scene? An overdubbed Billy/Allison scene! Which we get as they drive in Billy’s car that looks like my childhood and they do their bicker-banter. Billy is wearing what I was going to joke are boxer shorts. Then I remembered that it was the early ‘90s, and boxers were my jam! (Though not jams.) My favorite episode of “Major Dad” was where Elizabeth led the Boxer Rebellion in school! However, I don’t even think guys really wore them as clothing back then, but I could be wrong.

Not sure what the postal service did to piss off Bldg. C (Billy’s parents’ place), but the latter is clearly winning this round of psychological warfare:


Allison is horrified that Billy’s sisters won’t be there. Why, I don’t know. It’s not like she’s met them. Allison freaking overreacts to everything and seriously needs to get laid or smoke some weed. Or probably eat more nutrients. Possibly all three.

Oh, and Billy’s told his parents that Allison is his girlfriend.

Rhonda and Sandy’s. Sandy can’t concentrate on her script because Rhonda is playing her music too loud. Rhonda agrees to turn it down and they talk about Sandy’s career. Sorry ladies, but that’s as much as I plan on recapping about this scene, because it’s really boring.

Billy’s parents’. There is intense comedy going on, because as we all now know, they think that Allison is Billy’s girlfriend! And Allison’s resting bitch face becomes active in a way that only Allison can achieve. She pulls Billy outside to chew Billy out. Billy btw has paired his boxer shorts with a pajama top. He can pull it off, but only because he’s a soccer player. Most people would look even more absurd. The scene ends super weirdly, as Allison says “I am really gonna kill you for this” while giving him a tight-lipped smile while the “Melrose Place” sex music kicks in and they stare at each other for 17 minutes.

Dinner. Need I mention the confusing nature of the food and beverage situation? Because it looks like Allison is pouring vodka into a wine glass for Allison, but I doubt it. There are also more sauces on the table than seems normal. They talk about talent and Billy’s family and PopTV looks more genius than ever for skipping straight to the end of this season when they started airing this last month. Yada yada, will Billy ever Make It As a Writer or should he become a salesman like his father? The ‘90s really made it seem like you had two career path options: follow your dream or sell something.

Rhonda/Sandy’s. Sandy is wearing a little black dress and even though it’s not even that skimpy, somehow looks like underwear. She is going to a Hollywood party with her casting director and is very excited! 

The MP gang shows up to surprise Sandy with balloons and champagne for getting her big role. Sandy is thankful but says she has a date, which is not just a date but career related, yet for some reason Rhonda yells at her and everyone else judges Sandy with their eyes. It’s not like she knew they were coming! This episode is so weird.

Billy’s parents’. No. I can’t even with a scene about whether Billy’s a disappointment to his dad. Let’s move on.

Bedtime, and Billy’s shirtless! DRINK! He’s changed into different boxer shorts and Allison wanders in wearing one of those puffy and whimsical bathrobes everyone on TV in the ‘90s had. Allison doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as Billy, ‘cause cooties! She then awesomely says that this is her worst nightmare; like if that’s the case, then count your blessings kid! Some people have nightmares worse than sleeping next to a hot guy.



GOD. Now they’re making us hear about Billy’s freaking dreams and self worth again. I’m going to go check my farm until this ends.

Never mind, we’re back at Melrose Place. Sandy comes home drunk and since it’s television, she just laughs and laughs even though the casting dude didn’t even bother walking her inside the complex so she is all by herself, just laughing away. Jake comes out and acts angry, then turned on. And since it’s been 30 seconds since we had a scene about whether one cast member believes in another cast member, Sandy says that Jake never did. Then he sexily invites her for a midnight swim, but she says “You had your chance, Jake. You had your chance.” She swings around on the banister to her apartment, but thankfully does not fall down and crack her head on the patio. Then she positively cackles as she goes upstairs.

Morning at Billy and Allison’s. Allison comes in to judge Billy (DRINK!), saying she didn’t know he owned a tie. I’m not sure that the best time to talk about another’s clothes is while wearing a blue denim shirt and maroon bellboy blazer, but that’s just me. He’s off to his sales job, and we get more fascinating talk about his crushed soul.

Cut to Billy’s job, where he tries to sell a couch to two of the most awesome under-fivers I’ve ever seen. That couple is serious about couch shopping. There’s another scene with Billy and his dad where they talk about chintz and Billy’s self worth, and where is the show about hot people in bikinis?

Jane comes home to Michael cooking her dinner. He says he is making “veggies and LAY-gumes.” He is on crutches, but as he takes the pot from the stove, his crutch falls away, the pot falls, and the towel in his hands catches on fire! Which is officially the most interesting thing to happen in this episode so far. Jane sprays him with the sink hose and goes to pick up two quarter pounders.

Melrose Place. Billy comes home all mopey, so it seems we’re in for a real treat. Allison hands him mail from Ed McMahon, rest in peace. And that is seriously the whole scene.

Morning at Sandy and Rhonda’s. Sandy looks beautiful in pale blue. She calls Rhonda out on being bitchy, about time. Sandy’s not acting like a diva at all IMO. And I agree with her when she says people are being selfish, because no one begrudges their successes, and she works really hard. Sandy makes one last plea for Rhonda to be her friend, then says she’s going to move out, and Rhonda tells her to break a leg in a mean way. I like Rhonda, but I’m 100% on Sandy’s side here.

Sandy’s movie. She looks pleased with the take they just did and is dressed like porno Mary Ann from “Gilligan’s Island.” The director is MAD creepy, and she says she wants to do another take, only this time the killer should slowly rip open Sandy’s blouse with a knife, one button at a time. I don’t even know what I would do in Sandy’s position. Shit like that really pisses me off. Enough women are willing to do enough things that you shouldn’t be sneaking things like sexual violence into scenes without the actor’s permission. Sandy says pretty much this, and does a really good job looking upset and gobsmacked. The director says if she doesn’t want to do it, she’ll replace her. So Sandy does it, and she’s not even wearing a bra! That makes the whole thing even more messed up.

Morning. Sandy is packing her things and acts like everything is fine to Rhonda, who looks concerned.

Billy’s trying to sell a couch to Seinfeld’s mom! They get into a fight about discounts. Billy’s dad tells him to apologize to her, and he refuses.

Sandy starts to leave Melrose Place, but Jake demands to know what is wrong. She tells him what we saw, but then reveals (so to speak) that she couldn’t go through with it.

D&D. Billy shows up to pester Allison at work, and makes a creepy comment about “nubile” teenage girls, then leaves. I’m not even kidding.

Nighttime at Melrose Place. Michael sits on the couch and says he only wants a “smidgen” of Jane’s pasta. He gazes at his navel and talks about trust and parenthood. WHAT SHOW AM I WATCHING ANYWAY!

Rhonda and still-Sandy’s, as she and Rhonda make up and eat leftover birthday cake.

Billy shows up at his dad’s store, and actually says, “My life is not about furniture. I know that in my heart.”  When he finally leaves and gets back to Melrose Place, he has another boring conversation, this time with Allison. He tells her she’s coming with him and his family on their houseboat. The scene goes on far too long, but then we are blessedly at



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Oh! Hi, Love <3

I’m going to New York again, this August. Same place I was born, in the year and month in which I turn 40.

I could not be happier for why I’m going. My BFF’s sister is my honorary one, and we saw “Gremlins 2″ together. That’s a kind of bond that doesn’t get broken :)

But the last time I wrote a blog about going back to New York was for a wedding. The one after that was after I’d been there, for a funeral for my Nanny.

When we heard she only had a few months left, I got super prepared to go back and live in her house with her. But she left that night.

Still, I flew back to see her — both times. The first time was the last time I really saw her. She was so happy and funny, and I hugged her goodbye, but I didn’t want it to be the last time. I never did, and maybe, probably, I never thought it would be.

The idea of flying back and knowing, dark as it sounds, that she’s not even in a funeral home makes me not want to. She was the root of everything I loved about life, about Long Island — how can I go, knowing she’s not there anymore?

And I realize then that these questions come from a place of hoping against hope and reality, that the world will stop moving.

“Your life is ahead of you, Judith,” Nanny said to me in 2010, the last time we spent legit quality hours together.

“Mine is behind me,” she then said. And I scoffed. Told her no, even though I knew she was mostly right. Because I wanted her to live forever.

“Appreciate all of it,” she said.

So I’m going to try to, harder than ever.

I love you, Nanny.

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Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep6: Second Chance


Melrose Place at night! Everyone from the complex is playing poker at Allison and Billy’s place. That’s really cool that they’re doing that, but I feel like they could maybe have carried another table a few feet because everyone is squeezed around it like a table version of a clown car, but upon further investigation, it might be an actual poker table.

Everyone is drinking Coors Original from the bottle. Was this when it was still only a West Coast thing? If so, that is a pretty cool touch as far as product placement goes. Although having just suffered through Jane and Michael calling each other “Mom” and “Dad” at the end of the last episode due to Jane’s pregnancy, I must question why Jane appears to have a beer, as well.

Rhonda’s water-only sobriety is not helping her win, as she begs them to take an IOU or when that doesn’t work, tickets to go see a “very hip” dance troupe. The uncultured buffoons all scoff at that, but eventually allow it.

Allison pushes all her chips in the middle, but as Lauren Graham is not available for proclamations of love, says “I am going for broke” instead of “I’m all in.” Unless you don’t say that in this version of poker. Bryan, if you’re reading, let me know plz!

Billy teases Allison about her poker face, until Allison makes me LOL with her disproportionate reaction as she spits: “Will you just shut UP, Billy?!” Weird music tinkles in the background as she and Jake eye each other until Jake folds. As luck and comedy would have it, both Jake AND Allison had been bluffing, and both had crappy hands! Allison applauds her own victory.


Then goes on to say that in college, she was the “cram queen.” Heh. She is actually talking about working well under pressure and never studying for tests until the night before. Everyone literally leaves to get away from her braggadocio, but she has to out-dick herself by giving Rhonda back the tickets, saying, “Oh come on. What am I gonna do with these?” I’m kind of glad that no one bothered to bring his/her glasses and bottles to the sink. 

Daytime. Rhonda interrupts Matt while he’s swimming (DRINK!), wearing possibly her most epic workout clothes yet. What isn’t going on with this outfit? Fringe? Check. Plaid? Check. Fishnet? Tube socks? High tops? Mismatched sleeves on a hoodie? Checks to all!


Rhonda begs Matt to come with her to see that dance troupe because her friend Theresa is performing in it, as it turns out. Matt is all, “Dance puts me to sleep.” Rhonda says she needs him, and Matt is like, “FINE.”

Allison drinks coffee at her and Billy’s awesome kitchen table in her likewise-awesome lavender director’s chair. She’s wearing an extremely flattering, simple rust-colored blouse with no shoulder pads and a straight black skirt with a big-buckled belt. Oh, Early ‘90s: such a bipolar time for women’s fashion. Anyway, it’s Jake at the door, who with arms crossed the entire time, invites Allison to his place later for “a proposition.” As he leaves, sex music starts to play as Billy shows up to the door post-shower, while buttoning up his shirt (SIP!) and asks if Jake wanted his money back. Allison says “Something like that,” and follows Jake with her eyes.

Dance recital. Rhonda’s friend is the lead, and Rhonda is envious of Theresa’s “perfect body,” as IF hers isn’t. Matt enjoys the show much to his surprise, says that Theresa is fantastic, and asks why Rhonda’s kept her such a secret. Rhonda looks concerned.

Melrose Place. Allison is wearing her second blue sweatshirt in as many nights, but this time it’s a pale v-neck that she’s paired with really short denim shorts as she lusts after Jake, who is pacing around and talking about how he didn’t grow up in the most loving and supportive environment. Allison responds, “Who did?” I get that they’re bonding and Allison’s empathizing, but that is a weird response. Jake goes on to talk about how his mom married a drunk named Hank and when it came down to choosing between Jake or Hank to live in their trailer, she chose Hank. Then out of nowhere, this hilarious music starts playing in the background to make us get sad, but it sounds even more like “The Brady Bunch” than the Mexican restaurant in the last episode.

This story is all Jake’s way of saying that because of his troubled youth, he never graduated high school and is taking the GED soon. He wants Allison to help him study. Poor Allison, getting all sexed up in her fancy sweatshirt for nothing. Jake explains that for the first time in his life, he feels like he has a future. “I don’t know what it is yet,” he says, and Allison responds that she doesn’t know what her future is, either. Okay, but this is about Jake; focus please, Allison!

Dance recital curtain call. Everyone bows while the audience cheers. The female dancers are all wearing my bathing suit from 1996. The men are shirtless, which is perhaps why Billy was putting on a shirt before despite being in the doorway, lest things go into sultry overdrive.

Matt asks Rhonda if she wants to go backstage and despite forcing Matt to go with her because of Theresa in the first place, Rhonda acts weird until finally agreeing. Backstage, Theresa flirts with Matt and Rhonda tries to cockblock, but ends up agreeing to take Theresa out on the town…

…to Shooters! Matt, Rhonda, and Theresa sit at a table. Theresa delivers about seven lines of dialogue while holding a slice of cucumber in her hand, and we learn along with Matt that Rhonda did not return Theresa’s call about auditioning in LA for her dance company. Theresa delivers all her lines like she is trying to hypnotize everyone, including her own self. She belittles Rhonda’s cardio funk class, but Rhonda’s answer is still no.

Jake and Allison sit on the floor and study around a table. I like sitting on floors myself, but MAN, does the couch behind Jake look super comfy.


Thank you, “Melrose Place,” for allowing Allison to read aloud not only the entire math word problem, but also every single multiple-choice answer. Jake says he’s fried, but Allison does not accept that. She gets up to make another pot of coffee and says, “The only way to cram is to cram.” Jake gets the answer correct!

Matt and Rhonda return to Melrose Place, as Matt tries to get Rhonda to audition for the dance troupe. Rhonda says it’s too late; once you’re over 21, they put you out to pasture. Matt hilariously amps up the Shakespearean-esque drama and goes, “Don’t you believe in FATE, Rhonda!”

Morning. Billy shows up at Jane and Michael’s to ask if they’ve seen Allison, because she didn’t come home last night. Michael suggests that she met a guy at Shooters and went home with him and Billy’s like, never in a million years! Rhonda comes by and agrees that Allison probably had a one-night stand.

Sandy comes out and tells Billy to grow up; Allison’s a grown woman. But Billy and Jane head inside to call 911 (?!?!), until Allison steps out of Jake’s place in last night’s clothes :o Everyone is scandalized, until Allison says it’s not what they think. Then she thinks better of it and says that it’s nobody’s business. I kind of have never liked her more, as she saunters away and Sandy gets mad as per usz that Jake’s (apparently) sleeping with women besides her, despite his once again showing no interest in Sandy.

For a change of pace, this time it is Billy walking into the kitchen and judging Allison, who is taking aspirin on an empty stomach. She tells Billy that she and Jake just talked, and they exhibit what is supposed to be sexual tension, but I’ve gotta say that even though everyone is making incorrect assumptions, and even though back in real time, my crush was on Billy, I always thought that Jake and Allison had awesome chemistry and worked well together. So I sort of wish that they were hooking up, even though I’m happy for Jake that he’s feeling hopeful about his GED.

Rhonda’s cardio funk studio, which is empty as Rhonda stretches and Theresa walks in. Rhonda says she’s decided to audition after all. Theresa rudely calls Rhonda’s classes a waste of her time, but then Rhonda just as rudely tells Theresa that her group was lacking funk and fun, so she came up with something better for her audition. Now, I agree with Rhonda and think she has a naturally charismatic style, which is one reason I don’t like Theresa’s dismissing her classes. But still, insulting the choreography of a group you haven’t even gotten into yet, Rhonda? There is some endless back and forth, then a montage of them dancing it out. All is well until Theresa says that Rhonda shouldn’t eat pasta for dinner and leaves for rehearsal. Sexy music plays as Rhonda looks thoughtful.

Shooters in the daytime. Sandy is working, natch, as Billy walks in, sits at the bar, doesn’t order anything, and just whines about Allison and Jake while Sandy rushes around, clearly busy. I think that Sandy should start jumping in Billy’s cab and yammering in his ear the next time he works. Then not pay.

Sandy responds that Allison and Jake are total opposites, so it was inevitable. Um. Okay. Then there is this super-bizarre bit where she’s trying to imagine how it happened, and they Magic-Mirror spin back to the night “they all went out,” whenever that was. Allison is wearing a black shirt with a see-through back and boxy-yet-tight ‘90s jeans. She hilariously leans against Jake’s door jamb and says she rented “9 1/2 Weeks,” but her VCR is broken — can she watch it at Jake’s? Jake says sure. Cut to Allison seductively eating a cherry tomato? I thought it was a strawberry at first, but I think it’s a cherry tomato! She leans into Jake, and rather than each nibble at this mystery fruit, they make out with it just kind of rolling around between their tongues.

Back in present-day Shooters, Billy scoffs at Sandy’s theory. We then get Billy’s version of what happened: Jake answers his door, shirtless, and brings Allison into the bedroom, where he points at the ceiling and says that he’s terrified of spiders. A HUGE, hairy spider lurks above. “Oh, Jake,” Allison admonishes him. “They’re harmless and they eat mosquitoes.” Cue the sexy music, as Jake passionately kisses Allison. That was a pretty funny scene. But Sandy’s not buying it, saying that Jake loves spiders, and keeps them as pets. He does? They both lie that they don’t care that Jake and Allison slept together, and Sandy walks away with a tray of beers and mugs that I at no point witnessed her retrieve.

Nighttime at Melrose Place. Jake brings them coffee, while Allison said that all of the subjects that seemed so boring to her in high school are fascinating to her now. But if she’d been interested in them in high school, she never would have even met Marc Harmon! Allison admits that she didn’t fit in and wasn’t popular back in the day, and Jake doesn’t believe it! She said she was just focused on grades, and now regrets not partying more and taking risks. They bond, and even though there is pizza on the floor and they are drinking coffee, Allison seductively eats something with chopsticks. She then brings up the fact that everyone in Melrose Place think that they’re “having an affair.” What a strange choice of words, but even stranger is the tinkling piano music. For all the times they use the sexy stock music, now would be more appropriate than many. Allison continues to send vibes, but Jake changes the subject to algebra and Allison wonders why she EVEN bothered to wear her best pleated beige shorts.

Rhonda and Theresa leave a restaurant while Rhonda talks about the awesome carbonara sauce that Theresa wouldn’t try, and brags about her fast metabolism. Between this and last week’s Fettuccine Incident, I’m imagining a writers’ meeting wherein they try to flesh out Rhonda’s character and add “really likes pasta” to a list of her distinguishing characteristics.

Theresa continues to dig at Rhonda about not eating right for a dancer, and Rhonda’s like, I know what you’re doing. Rather than call Theresa out on projecting her own food insecurities onto Rhonda, she gets bitchy once again about how she would have had Theresa’s spot if she hadn’t sprained her ankle. Theresa is like, not even, and Rhonda responds that they’ll never know, will they? They argue again, some more, about who is jealous of whom.

Morning at Melrose Place. Billy’s made coffee! And suggests that he and Allison spend the day at the beach. She says she has to spend the day with Jake. Billy asks what’s going on and Allison says she wishes she could tell him, but can’t. Billy is very sad.

Rhonda’s class. She yells at Matt for not keeping up. Cut to them walking on the street as she apologizes, and he worries that he pushed her into “this dance thing.” Rhonda says no, she never should have stopped, and she’s better than this. He says it’s not her fault; she got hurt. OR DID SHE? Rhonda leaves Matt alone, without even a juice box.


Bar that isn’t Shooters. Allison quizzes Jake on the state capitals. I’m more disappointed than I probably should be that Jake doesn’t respond to “Idaho” with “No, you da ho.” Allison is impressed, and rather than Jake’s doing well because he studied, we learn that Blue Collar People Can Learn Too, as he did work in a variety of states. Then he makes a “Northern Exposure” reference, and slams the book shut. He then weirdly sing-songs that if he doesn’t know this stuff now, he never will. He says he has a better idea, and it totally looks like he’s going to swoop over and plant one right on Allison a la the first Ben/Felicity kiss, but that sadly does not happen; he just gets up and tells Allison to come with him. Allison is dressed in what appears to be Gilligan’s Island Chic.

Rhonda works out in her studio, for some reason listening to no music whatsoever, despite having a boom box right there. Matt walks in wearing socks ‘n sandals, saying he’s worried that Rhonda is putting everything on the line for this dance audition.


Rhonda tells a story about how she and her siblings were always so pressured by their parents to succeed. Rhonda was the only one who didn’t get good grades and go to an Ivy League school, but she was the one with talent. She was going to be the famous dancer. But then she got totally intimidated and skipped the audition! No injury after all! She starts to cry as she says she doesn’t think her father ever forgave her.

I seriously want to do that as a monologue if I ever audition for a play again and see if anyone notices.

Jake rides his motorcycle at night on a winding road. Allison is behind him, and I’m very happy that they are both wearing helmets, though I think her ankles could use better protection. I’m very sensitive to such things since having mine skinned off via bicycle when I was barefoot in 1983. And I know I’m a broken record, but these two have such a natural chemistry! I’m really not sure why they didn’t just make them a couple, at least for a little while. Allison expresses verbal dismay at her choice to accompany Jake on the ride, but she looks like she’s having a lot of fun. I mean, probably not as much fun as if she were wearing shuffling around at home in a bathrobe whilst berating Billy, but fun nonetheless.

Jake and Allison stop at an overlook. Allison says that no one’s ever brought her here before. Jake says that she’s been dating the wrong guys. So we agree! Now kiss! But no, they talk some more and seriously the tension is palpable, which is aided by +night birds chirping, -sexy/“Brady Bunch” music blaring. Allison gets husky voiced and they talk about high school. Allison says, “We would have made some pair.” Jake replies, “We’re not in high school anymore.” And finally at long last, THEY ACTUALLY DO KISS!!! I totally do not remember this and am probably way more excited about it in 2015 than I should be, but that does nothing to deter it either! Jallison 4eva! Or at least until their inevitable demise, since I don’t remember their kissing in the first place!

Allison and Billy’s. Billy exposits that it’s eight in the morning, while Allison is preparing what looks to be an omelet, as she has out eight eggs (in the shell), a relatively big mushroom, two tomatoes, one huge green pepper, an entire bulb of garlic, and a bowl that looks to be holding five eggs (out of the shell).

I have so many questions.

1) Why is she doing this while already dressed up for work in her blue-and-white, men’s-cut striped shirt and navy blue pants? Why doesn’t she at least have an apron on? She is works for a fancy company that is all about image, so I’m not sure why she’d want to risk showing up to greet major clients smelling like garlic and peppers, even if she manages not to get anything on her.

2) Allison has just started chopping the mushroom, which is like the least time consuming vegetable, while all the others sit untouched. And it is eight in the morning. Doesn’t LA have a lot of traffic? What time does she have to be at work?

3) Do people really keep their eggs in a bowl when they’re not hardboiled? I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, just that I’ve never seen it. Surely, she is not cooking a 13-egg omelet. Billy is not a giant lumberjack. 

4) When did Allison start eating nutritious breakfasts?

Allison apologizes to Billy for…something, and says that he’s not just a roommate (like he was worried about before and I forgot to mention); she trusts him more than anyone out here. She lets him in on Jake’s GED studying, and denies that she and Jake are “having an affair.” Why do they keep using that phrase? Billy is relieved, and decides that his sexy fantasy about Allison defending spiders is yet more evidence that he is a writer.

Billy says he was silly to think that she was hooking up with Jake, because they have nothing in common. This prompts Allison to go into a really trippy speech about walls and facades, all while keeping her arms crossed (Jake’s influence?). Bottom line: She got to know Jake better, and she likes him. Back to chopping!

Sandy acts overly invested in Jake’s sex life — DRINK! She apparently eats only frozen food and uses a lot of tissues, because she is carrying two garbage bags with ease in one hand, before Jake takes one from her. Aw, Jake. Sandy says that believe it or not, she wants Jake to be happy, because she cares for him. “(She) really do(es).” He tells her about the GED. She asks why he didn’t come to her for help and says that just because she’s an actress doesn’t mean she’s stupid, “Let’s erase that stereotype right here.” I really don’t think that is the particular stereotype leading anyone to that conclusion, but Jake savvily responds that she would have been a distraction, which makes her melt and they leave Melrose Place together, Jake’s arm around Sandy.

Dance audition. Rhonda stretches with others in the hallway. She and Matt talk about how they’re going to miss each other if she gets this job, as she would be touring. A man in red-striped high tops tells Rhonda she’s up next.

Cut to the stage and Rhonda dancing. The dance double has a completely different hairstyle from Rhonda’s, not to mention a different body type. It is awesome.

Rhonda comes back into the waiting area where Matt is waiting for her and between his forward-facing black cap that covers a vast portion of his head, tan pullover, rushed gait, and hunched shoulders, he looks like someone in a John Grisham movie trying to blend into a crowd instead of a normal person waiting for his friend. Theresa comes out to apologize and they talk about that one audition she didn’t go to, again, some more. So they’re good now, but Rhonda says even if she gets through, she’s not going to take the job, because she likes her life. She hugs Theresa goodbye while covered in sweat, then she and Matt leave.

Jake leaves a school after taking his GED, and tells a waiting Allison that he thinks he aced a test for the first time in his life. Yay Jake! Allison tells him that she doesn’t regret what happened, but they probably should just be friends, because “it’s just one of those things.” WHAT? That is total bullshit and makes no sense! Jake looks disappointed; I’m disappointed. You’re going to have to do better than “It’s just one of those things.” One of WHAT things? As a consolation prize to her vagina, Allison says she’ll buy Jake a beer.

Shooters. Jane, Michael, Billy, Matt, and Rhonda share a plate of French fries. Oh, they’re there to surprise Jake. As Allison lures him in, they all start chanting the graduation march while wearing caps, and give him one of his own. They wrap it up with applause and woos, and Jake says “Let’s party.” Everyone heads to the bar…

…except for Allison and Sandy. Sandy looks so relieved and says she knew there wasn’t anything going on between her and Jake. Allison says, “Of course not. But he is a great kisser.” She waltzes off, and Sandy looks surprised, then sad, then angry! 


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Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep5: Lost and Found


Poolside party at Melrose Place! Everyone is dancing. Amy Locane is wearing her denim shorts with the butt daisy again. For the most part, people are dressed how you’d expect for a summer party. Jane is rather formal in her Laura Ashleyish sundress, but Billy is the most confusing in his khakis and baggy short-sleeved shirt, especially since he’s usually just wearing a towel. Naturally, the less-clothed people throw Billy into the pool. “This was my last clean shirt!” Billy admonishes them, and exposits that he got a job working for a paper, but it’s just a “freebie…people are gonna line their litter boxes with them.” Meanwhile, I’d be SO THRILLED to work for a free local paper! Jake asks what Billy’s going to write about, and Billy says “Me.” Jake pushes him into the pool again, and everyone laughs in this really strange, fake way.

Allison compliments Jane on her dress, and Jane tells Allison to come down to the “bow-tique” because they got some in just like it.

Michael walks in dressed like Jerry Seinfeld in a tie and says “What’s up dudes!” He’s excited because the kid they were working on came through, so they push him into the pool and the scene ends with Jane looking like this:


Next morning. Jane’s in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test, while Michael blabbers on in the background about how all the cool kids are going to Yosemite and so should they! But Jane’s test came back positive, and she does not look too happy about it.

Jane’s Bow-tique. Allison comes out of the dressing room, self conscious because the dress she’s trying on is see through. “Maybe with a unitard,” she says, and can I just say how much I MISS unitards? They were my wardrobe staple from ’94-I don’t even know when. I guess whenever my last one got lost or worn through. But anyway, I don’t know what Allison’s talking about in the first place. There is a very modest kind-of see through pattern through the waist section of the dress, but the dress itself is long and shows no cleavage or even arm above the elbow, and she looks nice. Relax, Allison.

But really this is all just set up anyway to have Jane tell Allison she’s pregnant. She and Michael “just got carried away one night,” and it wasn’t planned. Allison follows her around and gets excited about a baby coming to Melrose Place, but Jane seems less than thrilled as she continues to hang up clothing around the store and admits that it feels a little soon, and she hasn’t told Michael yet. On a side note, Josie Bissett looks astonishingly gorgeous in this scene, even for her.

Weird-ass yet/therefore delightful little scene of Billy typing at his computer, which is now in the living room instead of the kitchen. He exasperatedly crumples and throws away paper after paper after paper, even though he is using a word processor so I’m not sure why he needs to print out all the stuff he’s just going to throw away. I get nostalgic seeing the little holes from that old printer paper that had the perforated edges you had to tear off. Billy says, “Well, at least I still got my day job.”

Allison comes home. Will she walk through the door and judge Billy for something? Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen!

Whoa! She kind of does, but not really! While she acknowledges that the apartment’s in disarray, Allison shows compassion to Billy, smiling sympathetically and asking what happened! Billy despite having trashed the living room with paper is now cleaning the refrigerator and talking about how the article he’s working on sucks. Every time he tries to write, it sounds stupid and boring. He says that he is too ordinary, and needs to do something extraordinary! He tells Allison they’re going to Shooters, so he can at least get started on having a terrible drinking problem like a real writer!

Transition with what sounds like “Brady Bunch” music, but is actually a band in a Mexican restaurant that plays as Jane and Michael dance, while he says they could never find good Mexican restaurants in Chicago (really? I’ve only eaten ice cream in Chicago, but that still surprises me), and that he is getting drunk from the margaritas. Rather than tell Michael she’s pregnant, Jane tells him that she wants to have a baby. Michael says they’re at least five years from that, as he is just an intern (which explains why he had to use the pay phone in the other ep, I guess).

Shooters. Billy is saying that drinking and drunks are depressing. Matt and Jake join them, as Matt regales them with a story of a 12-year-old pulling a knife on a 15-year-old at the halfway house, and his delivery is downright bizarre. Maybe if Matt had been at the bar already drinking, but as it stands, his jovial tone is super weird. He and Jake both order “Beer,” which hilariously arrive in bottles labeled thusly. Billy is jealous of the kids because knives are dramatic and he is boring. Just drink your freaking shot of whiskey and pipe down, Billy. Better yet, if you hate drinking, don’t order straight-up whiskey. Though since this is a Spelling show, he probably ordered it “neat.”

Billy puts his arm around Jake and wonders after his adventures. We find out that Jake has had a cowboy boot thrown at him in a motel room, and I really wish we could watch that scene instead. Now Billy gets enamored with a guy walking in clad in spiked leather and a neck brace. He hollers across the bar to ask how the guy got the neck brace, and the guy answers, “Bungee jumping,” then as if the show heard me, he orders, “Whiskey, straight up.” Billy dashes around the bar, saying “No, have mine,” and pesters Bungee Dude for more details. Bungee Dude awesomely says, Man, it was outrageous,” and describes leaping off of a bridge. That really does sound scary. I’ve bungee jumped, but it was at a theme park with a cushion below.

Allison hasn’t judged Billy all day, so she gets her ya-yas by asking the guy why he’s wearing a neck brace if it was so great. He answers “Whiplash,” and walks away as Billy tells the other guys they need to all go bungee jumping so he can write an article about it. Way to be sexist and not invite Allison. Jake agrees, then Matt, who’s seemed shitfaced for the entire scene. Allison judges all of them in one fell swoop for their plans, and the Earth’s natural balance is restored.

Back to Jane and Michael at the Mexican restaurant, where they are now talking in a rounded booth. Michael says that he doesn’t want to be like his dad, as he and Michael’s mom started “pumping out kids” very shortly after getting married, and Michael’s always felt some resentment from them, like he’s living the life his dad wanted to have. He reminds Jane that they both have careers they care about, and we learn that Jane’s designed a line of “funky evening wear” for her bow-tique. Michael says they could get a dog, and Jane sadly goes to the bathroom.

Next morning. Allison asks Jane how Michael took the news, and Jane explains what happens. She says that if she tells Michael she’s pregnant, he’d probably want to go through with it, but she knows that’s not what he really wants. Josie Bissett does a really nice job in a very short scene of conveying her distress and confusion, and we find out that she’s possibly considering an abortion.

Michael and Jake walk down the street drinking coffee and eating donuts. Michael gives this high-as-hell sounding speech comparing relationships to donuts, and says that Jane wants to have a baby. Jake gives the obligatory line about “the idea of bringing a kid into THIS world,” and Michael says that there are a few intern dads, and none of them have happy marriages. Just as I think maybe I can like Michael a little bit here, he starts yammering on about how Jane “gets so sensitive, you wouldn’t believe it!” I actually like this scene in a way because it shows the main difference between Michael and Jake: Michael is married with a serious job, but has like zero empathy skills or self awareness. Jake has unsteady employment and women issues up the yin-yang (so to speak), but he usually owns it and like, tries to try at the very least. He might be a screw up, but I think that Jake unlike Michael would *believe* that a wife might get a little *sensitive* when she says she wants a baby and her husband is like “Lol, pshaw.”

Oh, and in keeping with the “?” theme of food on this show, albeit coffee in this case, Michael adds sugar to his coffee when there are only a few inches left and even though he is also eating a donut. People on this show are sugar fiends! But anyway, after he adds the sugar, the cup is suddenly like three-quarters full! 

Billy shows up in his cab and invites Michael to go bungee jumping. Michael politely declines. Jk, he laughs in their faces and says no.

Melrose Place. Nighttime at Rhonda and Sandy’s apartment. Sandy says that she hates fish, as Rhonda prepares some and tells Sandy that she’s going to shut up and eat it, and says Sandy needs to eat something healthy. Probably, Rhonda should just invite everyone over for dinner and pump them full of nutrients to counteract the sugar crash.

Jane pops in, manically saying that she stayed home from work to work on these dresses and makes Sandy and Rhonda try them on. She realizes they look terrible, and Rhonda says she’s shaking. Rhonda does what anyone would do when one’s friend is clearly distraught about something: dangles a dead fish in front of Jane and invites her to dinner. This prompts Jane to run to the bathroom to puke. When she’s done, Sandy asks if she’s pregnant, and Jane confirms. They congratulate her, but realize Jane’s “not exactly jumping for joy.” Jane runs out of the apartment and asks them not to say anything.

Billy’s shirtless (DRINK!), but he’s in bed having a nightmare, so it’s more appropriate than usual. He dreams of himself as a kid, climbing to a high diving board while two adults cheer him on from below — his parents? Billy the kid (!) jumps off, but becomes Billy the adult, who wakes up screaming. Allison knocks on his door for a change of pace, but when he doesn’t answer, she barges in anyway. She asks why he’s going bungee jumping, because it’s so dangerous. Billy says that his whole life, he’s done everything right and has never taken risks, and now he just has to. “A stupid, reckless risk?” Allison asks (DRINK!) and Billy says yes. She tells him to be sure they make the cord the right length, unlike these two college kids she read about recently.

Wait. Are they trying to go for some “cord” theme in this episode, between Jane’s pregnancy and bungee jumping?

Daytime at Melrose Place. Matt and Billy show up at Jake’s, who asks if they’re really going through with this. They say yes, and Jake goes to get dressed, while Billy heads to the car with Matt, who is for some reason drinking coffee out of a regular mug, even though he’s going on a road trip.

Jane goes to Allison’s place and tells her that she’s decided not to have the baby. She asks Allison to come with her to the clinic for a counseling session. Allison urges her to include Michael in the decision, and Jane says she’s just exploring her options. Allison says she will go, then kindly tells Jane that she’s so sorry she has to go through this, and hugs her. The result looks like a cover of a Sweet Valley High book where they focused on a character besides one of the Wakefields:


Matt drives Jake and Billy in a car that looks like someone forgot to finish assembling, and they arrive at the bungee jumping bridge just in time to see someone dive off and bounce around while cheering his approval. All three guys look quite intimidated, but Jake declares, “Let’s do it!” and they all run out of the car with determination.

Clinic. A doctor confirms that Jane is indeed pregnant, and questions Jane’s choice to not tell Michael. Jane looks distraught.

Bungee Bridge, which is apparently run by “Bungeeeeee Adventure Co.” Billy for some reason reads his affidavit out loud in front of a video camera, saying that he won’t sue the company in case of death. The word “death” keeps popping up, as Billy gets increasingly nervous. Matt comes back from his jump and says it’s unbelievable and amazing. They watch Jake take his jump, and now it’s Billy’s turn!

Cut to Billy sitting on the edge of the bridge, and this really does look terrifying. The instructors count down for Billy to jump, and he flashes back to the adults cheering him on in his nightmare. Billy can’t do it, and I honestly can’t blame him.

Clinic, which is called “Womens Medical Arts,” with no apostrophe in “Womens.” Allison and Sandy are in the waiting room to support Jane, and Sandy tells a story of her own abortion when she was 16, in a monologue that Amy Locane does a good job with. I’m digging her more with each episode. She tells Allison that she could have used someone like her back then, and Sandy and Allison officially decide that they are friends.

Melrose Place at night. Rhonda goes to Jane and Michael’s to drop off some food. Jane’s not home yet, and Rhonda essentially blabs to Michael that Jane’s off having an abortion, then flees in shame after realizing that Michael didn’t know.

The Bungee Boys return. Matt and Jake tease Billy for not jumping, and they do a hilarious product placement with a Coke toast — Billy and Jake with regular, Matt with diet. They invite Jane, who walks in without Allison and Sandy for some reason, but she declines…

…and walks into her own place, where Michael is waiting in the kitchen to yell at her for aborting their baby. But Jane says that she couldn’t go through with it, so of course Michael turns on a different dime and starts yelling at Jane again for excluding him from any planning. He storms out into the main/pool area and she follows him. Everyone who’s not already outside comes to see what all the hubbub’s about. Michael spit-yells in Jane’s face before storming off, and I hate him more than ever. Poor Jane. Especially when the Bungee Boys chase after Michael, but the women just sort of stare at her from their doorways. Wtf?

Michael storms down the street while the other guys tell him to slow down. They banter some sexist comments about never trusting women; then Jake says they’re going to Shooters. So poor Michael can drink while his wife that he screamed at and ran away from can’t. “MICHAEL!”, *Fist shake* TM Jerry Seinfeld, indeed.

Jane sits by the pool as her girlfriends decide to finally show some comfort, which Rhonda does by regretting her ability to boil water and make fettuccine, rather than her big mouth. Jane worries that she’s blown it for good, as Michael loves you forever until he feels like you betrayed him. Which, okay fine, I get the dramatics of that attitude, but think that marriage still requires some give and take; Michael Mancini is not a Shakespearean king. And I agree that Jane should have communicated with him, but it’s not like she even actually had the abortion. Freakin’ Michael. Allison hands Jane a cookie. Sandy’s also eating a cookie, but I have no idea where they came from. And who eats dry cookies with nothing to wash them down?

Shooters. Michael whines about realizing he doesn’t know anything about Jane after all. The guys remind him that he loves her. He agrees but starts monologuing again (I guess as far as this show’s structure goes, he kind of is a Shakespearean king) about having a baby, and the guys are like, “Wait, what baby?” So the guys are being totally bro-tastic about how you can’t trust women and don’t even know what happened?! Ugh. Anyway, they high five Michael and say that he’s the bravest one, even though he didn’t bungee jump. They offer to buy him a congratulatory drink, but Michael realizes he needs to go home to Jane.

Jane lies in bed, staring at the wall. Michael comes home and sits on the edge of the bed, saying he really does want the baby. So does Jane. Jane and Jane alone apologizes for the goings-on, then says that Michael’s going to be the best dad. I guess so long as the kid never betrays Michael. They start kissing and just to put the gross cherry on the sundae, call each other “Mom” and “Dad.”

Allison and Billy’s. Billy finishes reading his new article out loud to Allison, who says that for a Valley boy, Billy can be surprisingly cool, and that it’s great. Billy replies, “At last, she approves,” which is actually really cute. They say goodnight to each other, and Billy goes back to typing: “Today, I saw a young man meet fatherhood and survive…Move over, Doogie Howser.”


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Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep 4: For Love Or Money


Jane and Michael are out for a couple’s jog, smiling and not sweating at all. Michael’s wearing a Cat in the Hat t-shirt. They decide to “race each other back” through the a busy sidewalk, and I wish someone would trip them, or preferably just Michael.

Side note: It is weird to see Josie Bissett again, having just watched “Deady Vows” two days ago, wherein she frolics with Major Dad in the most unsettling of manners.

Onward: to Melrose Place! Where Jake has found a balance on the torso nudity/clothing scale, and wears a wife beater while working on his motorcycle. And drinks…something out of a mug.

Jane and Michael burst through the gates, laughing. But the mirth is short lived, as Michael says that Jake’s going to get oil spots all over the ground next to the pool and as much as I like Jake and his motorcycle, and even though one of Life’s Rules is that by default, Michael is the asshole, I have to side with him both on that (apparently there’s a garage Jake could be using and he is like RIGHT next to the pool), and on reminding Jake that his rent is due. Jake says that it’s dead in construction, but he’s gonna find something by the end of the day. The “Major Dad”/“Melrose Place” crossover immediately makes me think that means Jake is planning on somehow destroying a building so he can get work :o But that’s probably not what he meant.

D&D Advertising. Allison’s wearing really weird, shiny, baggy yet boxy, blue pants with a white t-shirt and vest. She answers the phone and says something about a “stock split,” and talks about reading The Wall Street Journal, to let us know that she may be beautiful, but she is More Than Just A Receptionist.

A guy comes over and hands Allison an envelope. She opens it, and out pops Gizmo! Not really, it’s a donut (more’s the pity), but it IS Zach Galligan, here to creep on Allison and apparently give her sugar breakfasts all week. No wonder she’s such a bitch by the time she gets home to Billy! Billy Campbell, not Billy from “Gremlins.” They flirt. Oh, that explains why Allison’s hair is so fluffy today, though I’m not sure anything can explain the shiny pants.

Background music plays that would make you think Jake’s about either do amazing work on the uneven parallel bars or fly an airplane, but instead, he walks into “CAFE AND PIZZERIA” to inquire about a Help Wanted ad. Some guy with a hoity-toity accent cops an attitude and tells Jake they don’t want someone with a second career: “actor, a writer, or a model.” Jake’s like, “I’m a hard worker.” Then there is some early ‘90s business about the big fancy coffee machine and people coming from “all over Los Angeles” to buy their coffee, and if that’s true, I’m so sure that this man would hand Jake an apron, and tell him to have at it, but that is what happens.

Allison and Zach Galligan sit together outside. He psychoanalyzes her lunch — grapes and celery, with a bit of peanut butter on the celery. She says it’s because she’s been giving him all these fattening breakfasts. I hope she has some protein bars in her desk, at least. But no time to wonder, as this episode’s breakneck speed takes us into exciting territory, as Zach actually has a really rich father! But it’s a bummer, yada yada, poor little rich boy, blah blah aren’t connections supposed to help you? At this point, I’d take a Jake/Amy Locane scene. Hell, I’d take a Dylan/Jim Walsh scene. Just end THIS scene plz. Instead, he asks her on a date and Allison says yes.

Jake can’t do his job (I’ve made some barista-y drinks in the past and worked in restaurants for 20 years and still couldn’t do his job with NO TRAINING), but luckily a chick in a leather jacket walks in, and she and Jake hug, as they haven’t seen each other since back in the day. They flirt and Jake paraphrases “Casablanca,” natch. Then there’s double entendre about Jake’s nozzle, as he leaves his job, grabbing chick (whose name I didn’t catch)’s hand, and because this is a Spelling show, she squeals in response.

They sit on his motorcycle and she reminds him of a time in the past where they “made love” and tells him she’s an art dealer. She implies she’s got a shady job he could do for her, then writes her number on his bicep. Boss comes out and makes Jake come inside, as if Jake would still have a job.

Melrose Place. Rhonda checks the mail while complaining to Matt about her bills. Matt’s got no time; he’s pissed because the Halfway House has lost so many volunteers. Rhonda offers to help and bring her chicken curry. Matt is apprehensive that Rhonda will flake, but she assures him she’ll be there.

Amy Locane comes by with a black “come and get me dress” for Allison’s date, but Rhonda gives chase, saying “Hey, that’s MY come and get me dress.” Matt’s all, “WOMEN.”

Allison’s. She’s getting ready in her puffy bathrobe. Amy Locane and Rhonda come in and excitedly show her the dress. Allison worries, “But is it me?” and HOLY CRAP, I would be way more worried about her CREEPY AND INEXPLICABLE doll shelves coming to life in the middle of the night.


Billy barges into Allison’s room wearing only a towel (DRINK!), and makes a crack about her dating. She asks if he doesn’t have a novel to pretend to write and seriously, Allison. Maybe some raisins, even, as a late-afternoon snack. Some sunflower seeds, perhaps.

There’s a stomach-churning exchange among everyone about warfare and the battle of the sexes. Billy and his abs tell Allison she should keep this about business, not romance. Then the weirdest thing ever happens. Rhonda makes fun of Sandy’s acting, so Sandy like, pushes Rhonda’s head forward and says “Shut up.” But then when they switch shots to Billy and Allison, you see that same push happen all over again in the mirror.

Anyway, Billy goes to answer the door in his towel, and naturally, a penis-waving contest ensues between Billy and Zach Galligan. Or rather, Billy waves his around while Zach is understandably like “?”

Allison rushes out to save Zach from Billy, and she is not wearing the “come and get me dress,” but looks very nice. Next scene, she and Zach are sitting in a candlelit restaurant listening to jazz and they bond. Allison talks about how she always dreamed of being an advertiser, and would write tag lines since she was little. She “even wrote one for Zach’s dad” (who is D&D’s big “sunscreen client,” which I guess is a thing). Her tagline: “It’s hotter than a burn.” Zach tells Allison that his dad should hear it, and she self deprecates but is excited.

Melrose Place. Zach and Allison kiss, while Billy watches through the blinds.

Morning. Rhonda choreographs a new routine next to the pool. Allison is off to work. Amy comes down in a bikini and pitches herself to Allison as the sunscreen’s new model. Rhonda fishes for details about Allison’s date.

Matt comes out to remind Rhonda about tonight at the shelter. Rhonda invites Allison, but Allison says, “I wish. Some of us don’t have flexible jobs.” Rhonda goes, “Well, some of us don’t have boyfriends on the job either.”

Wait. What?

Perry (the woman from Jake’s past) shows up, so of course Amy Locane does her best to cockblock. She leaves and Amy Locane calls her a “bitch” under her breath, then smiles at her cleverness.

D&D and oh, how times have changed from Scene One, as this time there’s a manila envelope on Allison’s desk, only it’s holding a red rose. The big boss walks in and comments on Allison’s admirer. Allison tries to talk business, but Big Boss is in a hurry, and tells Allison to take time to smell the roses, because she never did.

Matt rushes into the shelter. Rhonda comes in and he calls her “Saint Rhonda,” then says she’s a couple of hours early but he can really use the help. But she cancels, saying she forgot she’d cover a class and has cardio funk in 10 minutes. He’s like but I bought all these ingredients for chicken curry. She brought the recipe and is apologetic, but Matt is really mad and says “Say what you always say: Next time Matt, I promise.”

D&D. Allison overhears Zach pitching Big Boss the whole sunscreen tagline and advertising idea she told him about last night at dinner. She storms up and pulls Zach aside. He runs into the men’s bathroom and she follows him, pulling him back into the hallway and calling him out on stealing her pitch. He says he had the same idea last week and then utters possibly the most amazing line yet of the series:

“Don’t you know? Everyone listens to the same shock jocks. Everyone watches the same MTV spots.” While I LOL, Allison grabs him. There’s a lot of GRABBING each other in the office on this show. She says she was naive and walks away…

…into Big Boss’s office, who’s “just working on some footage for the ‘hotter than a burn’ campaign.” Allison tells her that Zach stole her idea. Long story short: He said/she said, and Big Boss advises Allison Woman to Woman that she needs to develop a tougher skin, and next time, not to blab her ideas all over town. Allison dramatically says, “I don’t think there’ll be a next time,” and walks out of the office while Big Boss sighs and leans agains the door jamb for some reason while background music plays that may have been recycled for that scene when Kelly meets Dylan at his cabana that one time.

Allison packs up her desk and leaves D&D.

Remember the other scenes with Jake and his boss at the coffee shop? Well, here is the exact same scene again, some more, until Jake walks out of HIS job. I wish I could afford to storm out of jobs I didn’t like and still live in Melrose Place. Jake calls up Perry and says, “Let’s talk.”

Perry and Jake at her boss’s art studio. Basically, she wants Jake to pretend to be an artist and she’ll pimp him out. Then she pours yellow paint on him. He pours red paint on her, then says: “I always liked you in red.” Then SHE says: “You always liked me in BED.” And she and Jake start making out, sticking their tongues out like lizards, as he shoves her up against the wall.

Melrose Place. Matt is swimming when Rhonda comes home, and ignores her when she tries to talk to him. But she’s not having it, and tells him they have to deal with this. He says it’s always the same old story; she ditches him whenever something better comes along, and she’s self absorbed. I can see where Matt’s coming from in terms of this being a pattern, but I don’t think he’s being fair in this case. She came to him in person hours before she was supposed to be there to let him know, and it was an honest mistake involving her job. Not everyone in Melrose Place can just up and quit! Rhonda calls him out on never having come to one of her classes, and that he acts like he’s the only one around here who works hard, when she in fact, busts her ass. Matt and Rhonda are probably my favorite pair on the show right now, and I really like this scene!

Billy comes into Allison’s room, who has the curtains drawn and the ice cream out. Oh, and Cap’n Crunch on her bed! I like this Allison! Billy comes in and tells her that she needs to get out of bed; her room looks scary. I AGREE BILLY. But he is referring to the mess, not the dolls.

Allison mopes that she can’t play their game. Billy says it’s the same game everywhere and you just have to “Do Something!” Was this written before or after Andrew Shue started Do Something? He yells at her (in a nice way) to get up and go do her thing! And she thanks him sincerely, which is nice. In the meantime, I like how this episode, Allison is like Claudia Kishi meets Lorelai Gilmore in terms of eating habits.

D&D. Allison waltzes in with her box o’ stuff and starts unpacking as Big Boss walks in, who does not call security, and does not say, “Bitch, your ass was replaced five minutes after you stomped out of here.” Instead, Big Boss says “I wasn’t sure we’d see you here again,” like it’s a Bible study or poker night or something instead of a paying job at a high-profile LA advertising agency. I mean, it was unbelievable enough that Jake could storm out of and back into his cafe job where everyone travels to buy their freakin’ macchiatos, but this is just…

Anyway, Big Boss feels bad and doesn’t want Allison to “feel disgruntled.” Allison gives her icy eyes and says, “Don’t worry about it. I’m over it.” Big Boss says that she wants Allison to work with Zach to pitch tomorrow at some big meeting. Allison’s like, I don’t think so. Big Boss tells Allison to take it from an old warrior, and take a break when she’s given one. Allison’s she’s wearing that ‘80s Professional Barbie who’s name I never remember’s suit.

Perry’s art party for Jake, where to add to the already-existing Sean Young vibe she’s got going on, is wearing leather pants. In case we’ve forgotten since the exposition from every other Jake scene since episode one and also “90210,” we are helpfully reminded that Jake doesn’t like being told what to do and is A Rebel.

On “Melrose Place,” even art studios can’t contain men’s bare torsos, as Perry introduces a shirtless dude in a red robe and blue bandanna to Jake. She then proceeds to get everyone’s attention and unveil Jake’s “art,” which looks like this (minus the pause and volume indicators!):


Some people ooo and ahhh. Shirtless Dude asks Jake what it’s about. Jake says, “Sex. Death. Rock and Roll.” My “Shut up, Jake” threshold is higher than for most, but that line almost reached it.

Um. Okay. So Allison is alone in Big Boss’s office, looking at footage from her stolen Hot Sunscreen ad, with her feet on the desk. You’d think Allison had compromising photos of Big Boss, not just some butthurt. Zach walks in with a huge bag of Chinese food, and it’s kind of hilarious when Allison spits out that “dumplings” aren’t going to woo her. Even with Chinese food, Allison goes straight for the pastry. She then gives this weird speech that’s like an 11th-hour bad-guy reveal in a Lifetime movie, about how Women Can Be Cutthroat Too. I do get a good chuckle out of “Three days ago, I was a dreamer. I’ve grown up.”

Then she sits down and leans forward, and now that we can no longer see her ridiculous white pants, it is much easier to take the scene (slightly more) seriously. Allison says okay, she’ll cooperate and play as a team — “What do you got? You know, ad lines?” He leans back and says “Ladies first,” and she says he’s got nothing. Then the scene spirals rapidly downhill but in a glorious way, as they have the weirdest back and forth like, “I’ll be there.” “And I’LL be there.” And a few more lines like that, which make it sound like a comedic scene, but I think it’s supposed to be suspenseful. Or sexy. It’s really hard to tell on “Melrose Place,” especially with the blaring background music that was sort of ubiquitous back during that time, with horns and synthesizers and “come hither” vibe. Like they took “You Belong to the City” and sold it for parts.

Perry/Jake’s art party. He finds Perry in some weird closet doing coke and he starts yelling at her. And it’s like okay, I don’t like to be around coke either, but this is all of a sudden what triggers your long-lost morality, Jake? The stealing from an entire building of people, not so much?

Jake storms back into the party. Then despite being the one NOT on coke, he for some reason kind of pushes this random girl in the gallery, despite its not being crowded, and tells Shirtless Dude, “Surprise! I’m a fake!” He takes his painting off the wall and gives it to him. Perry follows him, and Jake tells her he’s “going as far away from (his) life as (he) can possibly get.” Perry goes back inside the party, and hopefully that’s the last of that.

Matt’s sitting outside his apartment doing work in some binder whilst wearing a backwards cap. Allison thinks he’s driven, and that’s great. She gives a speech about how you have to take no prisoners, etc. and Matt calls her ruthless. She stops in her tracks, and for this out-of-nowhere special moment, the show has found new background music! It’s emotional piano, and it is jarring. Allison crosses her arms and asks, “Don’t you have to be (ruthless)?” She projects all over the place, and leaves with her arms swinging like a foot away from her body as the music switches back to Sexytime.

D&D. Allison walks in and is suddenly nervous for some reason, despite acting like Macauley Culkin in “Home Alone” just a day ago. She meets with Big Boss, Zach, and Zach’s dad, the Sunscreen King.

Allison pitches a new sunscreen ad that I actually kind of like. Zach gets up and “pitches” a morbid and uninspired campaign and everyone’s embarrassed. He sits down, about to come clean, but Allison saves his ass and pretends he helped with the group assignment. It’s sweet, and he looks grateful, but is totally non-stealth when he stage whispers “Thanks, Allison” when his father is sitting right next to him.

Rhonda’s aerobics class. People are working out and shouting “Whooo!” and wearing those exercise outfits that I miss. I don’t understand why that’s not a thing anymore. They don’t have to be neon if people don’t want! Though I so would. Can someone bring these back, please? Matt walks in wearing a political t-shirt and he and Rhonda make up and dance together, and it’s cute.

D&D. Big Boss says she knows what Allison did and it was very kind, but Allison said she did it for herself. There is a giant Hershey’s kiss on Allison’s desk from Zach. Big Boss and Allison use sports metaphors to let us know that Allison’s Going Places.

Shooters. A guy playing pool looks to be dressed in my green yummy sushi pajama top. And speaking of metaphors, Jake chalks up his stick as Amy Locane walks over. They do their usual dance, but Jake gets nicer more quickly than usual, and they bond over wishing they could forget their bad pasts. Amy Locane says that’s why she became an actress, so she could keep pretending to be different people. Jake tells her that he’s selling his bike to make money. She kisses his cheek; he puts his arm around her fondly, then says, “Let’s play some pool.” Those two need more scenes like that!

Jake tries to sell his bike. The guy can’t buy right now, but wants to hire whoever built the bike as a mechanic, as “He’s an artist.” Jake goes, “When do I start?” Hooray!

Halfway House. Rhonda, Amy Locane, and Allison walk in with groceries, singing “I’ll Be There.” Matt’s very happy and Rhonda’s like, “See? I told you so.” She and Amy Locane leave, while Allison lags behind and tells Matt she’s done with her 24-hour cutthroat attitude, as “Some things are more important than advertising.” Matt’s like, “Yeah, being a good person is the best,” then yells, “Chow time!” They all serve food to the kids, so I guess that the groceries the ladies brought are for tomorrow.


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10 Things Witnessed In My Ambitious Morning Quest to Buy Soda Pop

1. A really cool giant-sized version of a red student’s desk outside Venue 515 (the art studio in town).

2. A pedi-cab?! The New Yorker in me wonders if he’s earning extra income, but the Manitoid is thinking it’s just…Manitou :-D

3. $1.87/gallon gas!!!!! Holy wow. One step closer to fulfilling that one meme’s life dream (“I don’t need to be rich. I just want to stare off into the distance while pumping gas”).

4. Joggers, pissing me off with their energy.

5. The incline, covered with snow and reminding me to get back to the gym so that joggers don’t piss me off with their energy.

6. Despite not exercising enough, a number on the scale that I haven’t seen since March (in a good way).

7. A dumpster diver who looked up at me all terrified when I made a parking lot U-turn, then went right back to what he was doing. I guess that middle-aged blonde chicks in sweatshirts and dirty Cavaliers are no longer considered intimidating.

8. 40s of OLDE E!!! Which I haven’t seen in quite awhile now. I know I’ve had a couple since moving to Colorado, but I never remember which places sell them.

9. A minivan bursting into the loop (though not The Loop), terrifying everyone in its midst.

10. People filling the town, and appreciating all over again how absolutely gorgeous and wonderful Manitou Springs is, and how incredibly blessed I am to live here.

Posted in Apartments & Other Domiciles, Driving & Other Transportation, Going Out, Lists, Manitou, Miscellaneous | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Melrose Place, The Recaps! S1, Ep3: Lost and Found


Billy walks into a jazz club with slicked-back hair and dances with a Marilyn-Monroe-esque chick but her dress is red not white. They speak in I think French accents and then we switch to see that this is actually Billy’s script that he’s writing on a computer in the kitchen. Allison waltzes in and judges Billy (drink!) for “burning the midnight oil.” She reminds him that he was supposed to pick up his cab an hour ago, while Billy excitedly hunts and pecks away, saying just a few more pages and he’ll be done. Allison asks whatever happened to writing a novel, and Billy implies that he’s Selling Out.

Billy says “Latah, doll,” as Allison leaves the apartment and runs into Michael, who is cleaning the pool while Jane is like grabbing him from behind and rubbing all up on him while Michael acts WAY more pleased than I’d personally enjoy seeing from others on my way to work. They talk about their sexy evening planned for later and start making out fiercely and won’t even go inside their apartment; she just kind of slams him against the door while they talk about hot dogs and watching “Ghost,” in between kisses.

Oh new scene, thank God. Well…maybe. Amy Locane bounces down the steps to the basement laundry room, wearing a super-cute, orangey halter dress with white embroidery. And lo and behold, but Jake is there too! We get the requisite scene from every show ever, where the single guy doesn’t know how to separate his laundry. She stalkily asks who the new lucky girl is, since the only time he washes his sheets is after he’s been with someone new. She gets jealous of Kelly, but he sets the record straight that “nothing’s happened and nothing’s gonna happen.” He says that “Tonight, at dinner, I’m gonna lay it on the line.” Once again, Sandy acts like Jake’s leading her on, when really I don’t get that at all. It seems like they (Jake and Sandy) dated and yeah she got dumped, but I don’t think he’s really indicated based on anything we’ve seen that he’s even trying to hook up with Sandy again, never mind date her.

The GAP, where we get yet another scene of Kelly’s friends telling her she’s being ridiculous. The entire scene is pale blue and white, and Steve wears sunglasses inside the store.

Michael’s cancelling his and Jane’s sexy date! He calls her and she gets all >:o as he blames work. Even if I didn’t know Michael Mancini’s legacy already, it’s pretty obvious that he’s lying as he gives not only way too many details as to why he’s “on call,” but downright bizarre ones that make it sound like he’s not just lying, put possibly tripping. Meanwhile, I know that we’ve made a great deal of technological advances since the early ‘90s, but would an important surgeon in a hospital need to use a pay phone?

D&D Advertising, with Allison at the reception desk and a plum shade of carpeting on the floor that I’m really digging. Billy shows up to interrupt Allison at work to show her the first 20 pages of his screenplay, which is called The Big Shock. She congratulates him, but looks increasingly dismayed upon finding out that she’s the first person who’s looking at this, and he needs her to read it by tonight, as tomorrow, he’s “dropping it off at every agent’s desk in town.” Allison says she has to work late and he ignores her, saying “I feel like a real writer now. Feels good.”

Melrose Place. Sandy leaves for work as Jane gets out of the pool. She’s bummed for Jane that Michael cancelled their date. They sit on lounge chairs together, and Jane’s bathing suit is really cool — a muted-teal-and-purple one piece with black stripes and polka dots. Sandy tells Jane that she should come to Shooters that night. It starts as a sweet invitation, then becomes increasingly hostile, as she dares Jane to come and prove she’s “not a prisoner of that wedding band.” Jane shoos her away. Sandy bends over and says “I double-dogggg dare ya.” Like that changes everything.

Jane shows up at Michael’s work. She’s holding a cardboard box with three burning candles in it, which can’t be safe, and what looks like some kind of pastry and…two cups of soup? Michael and his coworkers look all awkward, while poor Jane just stands their holding her fire hazard, until finally the others leave.

Oh, it’s not a pastry but I guess those hot dogs they talked about before (it’s some kind of anniversary, though I can’t bear to rewind and find out what kind). Maybe those containers are beans or something. For some reason, the food on Aaron Spelling shows is often so confusing, like I NEVER know what’s going on at the Walshes’ dinner table unless Brandon’s making his “Dim Sum and Den Sum” joke. Anyway, Michael of course gets beeped, so it’s sad, but on the plus side, we finally get answers — the cups hold chili in one, cheese and onions or possibly sauerkraut in the other. And there’s a tape player inside the box.

Michael starts stammering about how it’s “showtime” for the biopsy, as he fumbles with his purple stethoscope and in general acts like someone who’s forgotten his lines in a play and is doing his best to get back on track, only this is a television show. He tells Jane to go out with her friends and have fun. She blows out the candles that have not dripped even a tiny bit of wax.

Shooters. Jane and Rhonda hang out, as across the way, they and Sandy who has the most free time of any busy club waitress I’ve ever seen, eye that guy from “LOST” whose name I forget atm. Sandy is still weirdly over invested in Jane’s sex life and encourages her to flirt with “LOST” guy’s friend. Jane takes off her wedding ring and puts it in her pocket, as “LOST” guy and his friend come over to their table.

Melrose Place. Allison gets home while Matt comes out of his apartment dressed like Jerry Seinfeld. He invites her to a party he’s going to with “wild times…wild people,” and I don’t know how wild you can get in a sports jacket, but he’s really trying to sell it, so I’m trying to believe. But Allison’s all grumble grumble I’m tired and I feel her, but seriously I do not remember Allison being such a constant pill. But it also turns out she has a reason here, as Billy’s screenplay is terrible, and she doesn’t know what to do. Because Billy is clearly insane, and has gone off to turn in his cab. So does she hurt his feelings, or encourage him to chase his dream while he sinks into poverty? Matt kisses her on the cheek and is like, “Okay but seriously, now you’re bumming out my party spirit,” and leaves, but not before he suggests making Billy dinner to soften the blow.

Shooters. Weird and uncomfortable scene of Jane and Rhonda and the two dudes flirting.

Billy walks into his apartment and goes “Luuuucy, I’m hooooome!” Allison tells him she’s making “tuna casserole for two,” which, do people say that? He thinks this means she wants to congratulate him, and he picks her up and spins her around. She stalls by saying that the pasta’s boiling over.

Jake and Kelly at the supermarket, so clearly we’re in for something really special. Sure enough, it’s one of those “Jake has more pride than money” scenes, so Kelly puts back a humongous container of cookie dough ice cream.

Sighhhh. Shooters. Jane and Rhonda play pool with their dudes, and Rhonda’s upset when Jane wants to go home instead of to another club with the dudes.

Billy goes on about his screenplay as he and Allison eat dinner. Their table looks like it would be in Luke’s Diner. Finally, Allison tells the truth and it is HILARIOUS:

Allison: I hated it.

Billy: What did you hate about it?

Allison: Everything.

Which made me LOL, because HARSH, but then it gets even better when Billy gets really pissed off in the manner of Bobby Brady. He calls her casserole lousy. She says, “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.” Billy snarls, “Fine. I WILL,” and leaves the apartment. In other news, Allison’s shirt color matches Billy’s now-empty chair.

Jane dances with that guy at a new club and gets uncomfortable when he gets too grabby. So naturally, he starts quoting Percy Shelley at her. We find out that Jane minored in Romantic Lit. He goes to kiss her and she rebuffs him. She tells him that she’s married. He says he doesn’t see a ring (just when I thought I could make a whole day without “Frozen” in my head!), and she’s like, “Oh it’s right here in my jacket pocket that’s casually flung over the couch,” until she realizes it’s gone :o Just like Kelly Taylor does in the future, only with Brandon’s engagement ring.


Jake slices onions while Kelly tries to seduce him and he resists, then gets a phone call, which he responds to cryptically.

Shooters. Billy mopes at the bar while…eating a Mounds bar. Allison shows up and sits next to him. She says she had to be honest with him. He says he was so proud to finally complete something, then brings up his daddy issues. She says that sometimes it takes awhile to get where you want to go. Yada yada yada, believe in yourself.

Kelly turns off the lights in Jake’s apartment and tries to seduce him on the couch. They have yet another conversation about how wrong he is for her, but how she understands him. She starts to kiss him, but there’s a knock on the door and it’s some chick with ‘80s-video hair. It’s made pretty obvious that she was on the cryptic phone call from before, but that it wasn’t about a date, but a ploy to make Jake seem like a player. This chick is all “Didn’t we have a date?” and Kelly’s all :o Chick who’s name is “Marg” leaves while he follows her and they confirm my suspicions about the ruse!

Kelly cries in the living room. He gives her the Tough Sell, and says that he feels nothing for her. She says she has to leave but “For what it’s worth? I loved you.” After she shuts the door, Jake looks all sad and conflicted.

Jane crawls around on the floor, looking for her ring. Peter (the dude she was flirting with) asks why she did it, and she gives a long speech while making me really scared that she’s going to cut her leg on some broken glass, as she doesn’t just crawl around, but drags herself around.

Melrose Place. Rhonda makes out with the guy from “LOST,” then they all part ways. Rhonda says they’ll call the club tomorrow to check on the ring, and Jane talks like Dorothy, saying everything she wanted was here all along.

Jane walks inside her apartment to find an open bottle of Scotch and Michael acting accusatory. She confesses that she went to Shooters and starts to say more, but he shushes her and they make out while walking into their bedroom, where he’s lit candles and prepared hot dogs (so to speak).

Allison comes out of the apartment to find Billy burning his screenplay in the barbecue. He says he’s not giving up though, that next time he’ll write about his real experiences. Then he compliments her tuna casserole.

Oh geez. Jake and Sandy play pool at Shooters. She says that he did the right thing by dumping Kelly. He says Kelly was the only person who ever made him feel good about himself. Sandy stalks off, butthurt. But lo, if it isn’t a good turn of events! As someone taking out the trash finds Jane’s ring!

Jane and Michael have post-coital time. She starts telling him that something happened, but is interrupted by a knock at the door. It’s Sandy with ring! Jane is very happy — crisis averted! Until Michael shows up at the door! Jane looks terrified! Sandy covers for her, saying that she found it in the laundry room.

ANOTHER Jake/Sandy scene, as he drinks coffee outside his apartment and they bond over developing hearts and being late bloomers. Then they go to their separate places, but not before exchanging a Meaningful Look.


Posted in Celebrities, Childhood, Entertainment, Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night, Melrose Place Recaps, Miscellaneous, Romance, TV, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment