Vanderpump Rules: S1, Ep6: Caught With Your Trousers Down

As I just started watching “Vanderpump Rules” this past season (three), there is a Lot To Learn, regarding backstory to which I simply don’t have current access. So while I’ve seen the three Season One eps that are preciously hoarded on my DVR, it’s been a couple of months at this point since I’ve watched this glorious show, and mostly know Season Three. Therefore, I’m anticipating quite the wild ride.

Previously! On “Vanderpump Rules”:

Katie in a really cute bob haircut totally lays it out for Stassi that someone (not sure who) just wanted to get in Stassi’s pants, and Stassi is like:

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Stassi celebrates one of her notorious birthdays, and Katie says “Spare me” in a shoutout to my family. Glasses are clinked; limos are ridden; and Stassi makes out with a dude I don’t recognize. Damn, I’m going to miss her now that she’s (SPOILER) not on the show anymore.

Hahahah people are dressed in fancy outfits and throwing drinks at each other and I am literally LOLing at 9 am and man I have missed this show in the majorest of ways. And this is just the previouslies!

If I elaborate on all the Stassi drama alone, we’ll be here all week. Suffice it for now to say that there are tears, and Jax you’ll be happy to know is having the best sex he’s had in a long time with that girl Laura Leigh who went on to be in “We’re the Millers.” Oh sorry: SPOILER!

Credits! And I know this is an absolutely terrible picture on myriad levels, but I can’t chance things, because: a) my phone is at 24% and I left the charger at my parents’ house; b) how much does Stassi look like Carmen Electra here?

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Jax and Tom bartend; Kristen and Katie waitress; and Lisa owns the room.

Kristen confessionals that Lisa wants all of them to pursue their dreams, and we see clips of SURvers running lines, Scheana singing, Tina modeling, Sandoval playing guitar with Lisa’s son Max, and Jax running into a glasses ad he’s in whilst in a glasses store. Peter produces a movie starring people from SUR.

Stassi is working on her fashion column for Lisa and Pandora’s website (Pandora as in Lisa’s daughter, not the music site), and some dude in flip-flops drinks a beer while having a conversation with Stassi and acting “Hey hey, sports fans!” to an extreme level that I did not know was possible. Then I guess someone cues him to suddenly switch from bitching about Stassi’s mess to feigning interest in her “blog,” as he calls it. She snipes back that “It’s not a blog,” and whatevs; self-loathing that term is so 2007. And NOW she is further testing my patience by saying people on blogs just upload whatever they write and “don’t even reread it!” While even proofreaders need proofreaders, Stassi if that were true, “whatevs” would have remained autocorrected as “wharves!”

Anyway. I do really like her dress, and we are at 505 words and four minutes in, so let’s keep moving…

…to Lisa’s house in Beverly Hills! “Melanie, SUR publicist,” Lisa, and Ken discuss having a happy hour until Ken drops the bomb that Jax and Laura Leigh were caught having sex on camera. Melanie says that as their publicist, she has to say that “It’s not a good look” and but wait, WHAT’S not a good look? This private conversation about something caught on cameras only they have access to? Whatever, Melanie.

Stassi and Scheana are eating from takeout boxes at SUR. Stassi is salivating, which she helpfully clarifies as being “at the mouth,” and she and Scheana are weirdly nice to each other. Kristen bitches about this and Stassi’s SURver negligence overall to Peter who is managing, and obviously not pleased to have to choose between listening to Kristen and reprimanding Stassi.

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Takami, a sushi bar, where Jax and Laura Leigh fittingly have sex in the bathroom and we unfortunately are treated to *sounds.* Jax confessionals that he loves that Laura Leigh is a freak and they have a gross IRL conversation about not being able to keep their hands off of each other. Jax is down with her calling him attractive, but starts to get nervous as her crazy train starts veering off the rails and she all but proclaims her love for him.

Spinning class. Kristen confessionals that there’s a lot of pressure to be the hottest girl at SUR and they all work out five days a week. In real time, she and Katie discuss Stassi, and Katie says “between her and I.” Not sure what this particular drama is even about, but apparently Stassi is mad at both of them.

SUR. Laura Leigh and Jax contrivedly bartend together and Lisa needs to talk to both of them about their sex in the bathroom. Jax makes his patented “I’m innocent” face:

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But the best part is watching Laura Leigh get all method actress and ask “What are you talking about?” while Lisa is like, “Please, children.”

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No wait! The best part is Laura Leigh indignantly responding, “We had sex at Takami!” 

On a serious note, Lisa dismisses Laura Leigh and tells Jax that Laura Leigh is fragile, and she doesn’t want Jax messing with her heart.

Stassi’s apartement. Katie arrives with two bottles of white wine, and they talk it out. What “it” is, I’m not sure, but they cry and hug.

SUR. Joey whom I don’t know is replacing Frank whom I don’t know, so while hearing the tale of Frank getting sent home is fairly interesting, there is little emotional resonation.

Ohhh, okay. Frank is Stassi’s preppy boyfriend, and is now pulling up to SUR in a convertible (natch) with Stassi. He’s getting fired on the same day she’s going to introduce him to her parents. Lisa is a total class act when she fires him, explaining that this is not the first incident, and then says she wants to hear his side of it. But he doesn’t play along and I don’t blame Lisa for her choice to call it a day with him. I think if he’d been polite and apologized, she’d have let him off with just a warning or a suspension at worst.

Stassi’s parents’ house. They drink vodka and find out that Frank’s now unemployed. They laugh at the story, and he goes on to complain that their daughter has “pretty girl syndrome” and asks him to do too much for her. Then Stassi’s parents make fun of Stassi for being homely in high school. Stassi says she got a chin implant and it changed her life, but they show pictures of her in high school, and she was NOT homely. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not anti-plastic-surgery if it makes someone feel better about him-/herself! And she is gorgeous now too. I’m just saying that I feel bad she thought that about herself, back then.

Kristen and Katie are on a double date with their Toms, which is weird to see since I’m used to Kristen pining for hers. They are at a place called Home, which I guess is some kind of outdoor diner/brunch/whatever place, because Schwartz gets a giant pancake that he calls “sexy,” but elsewhere on the table, there are sweet potato fries. Katie confessionals that it sucks that Jax and Stassi broke up, because now they can’t all hang out together anymore. That does suck.

Meanwhile, Kristen gets a call, then shares the news that Frank got fired and everyone is like :o

Wait, actually I have no idea what’s going on with the food, because now Schwartz appears to be eating a giant burrito and I don’t see the pancake anywhere. Where is Nate the Great when you need him?

GORGEOUS sunset that makes me wish a little tiny bit that I lived in California. 

Stassi’s apartment. She does her nails, and I think it’s interesting she does her own nails. She basically asks Frank what he’s going to do for work now. Frank amazingly says, “I made the decision to get fired.” Then they start talking about Stassi’s parents, and Frank essentially says Stassi and her mom are both bossy divas. They go back and forth and back and forth and omg can these two please break up already? Worst couple ever.

Back from commercial, Stassi is now crying outside. Then he goes to leave and she’s like, “Don’t walk away from me!” and calls him a dick and bipolar and an asshole. Then he says he’s questioning whether he should dump her or not. He drives away and Stassi smokes a cigarette and cries.



~ THE END ~

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5 Reasons to Watch “Faking It”

1. The Cast

I don’t think I’ve ever written a 5 Reasons blog that didn’t have the cast first, and that is because casting is everything to me. You could show me the most brilliant piece of cinematic art ever created; it could get 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, but if I don’t like the cast, especially the lead? Pffft.

And vice versa. A show or movie could be utter tripe, but give me a lead that I love and an iota of charm? Sold!

“Faking It” is surprisingly (to me, at first) not the latter, but more on that in a later bullet point. For now I will just say that I’m really happy to see Katie Stevens singing again on my television! I loved her on “American Idol,” and think she is perfect as Karma — a character so flawed, but so endearing. Rita Volk looks like no one I’ve ever seen before, and I mean that in a good way. She’s more the lead, while Karma’s more the star — IMO and if that makes any sense — and does a captivating job playing the straight woman (so to speak) without being boring.

Not an easy feat to accomplish on a show that includes a supporting cast of wackadoodles that could go toe to toe with “Gilmore Girls” and “Hart of Dixie.” Michael J. Willett as Shane knocks it out of the park! I never really understood women falling in love with their gay male friends, but I’d totally have pined for him if he’d been my friend when I was younger. Gregg Sulkin as Liam is shocking, because you think he’s going to be the Boring Beefcake, but is actually really sweet and hilarious. I can’t name everyone because this is not the Oscars, but in my last quick they’re-playing-the-music breath, let me just say that Rebecca McFarland as Amy’s mom is WONDERFUL with her wide, unblinking eyes, deadpan delivery, then boom! Ability to make you cry out of nowhere. Senta Moses is back as Principal Penelope in clever casting, seeing as she was one of the OG TV people to pine after her own gay male BFF on “My So-Called Life.” Karma’s parents crack me up, and Amy Farrington’s eye-reaction to the word “threesome” is one of the best I’ve ever seen :-D

Oh but wait, one more important thing, which is that Bailey De Young is THE BOMB. When I first started watching, I thought that the scenes of her character Lauren were going to be ones I had to just get through. But she ended up becoming possibly my favorite character, and while she gets great material with which to work, Bailey De Young brings so much more to the table than necessary. I love her and now I need to watch “Bunheads.”

  1. The Funny

When I started watching this show, I expected very little, to be honest. But what sucked me in first was how many LOLs this show brought forth, even just in the pilot! The humor is so much more clever and subversive than I’d ever have predicted, and I love that even as splashy and over-the-top “Faking It” is, the humor is all over the place. Sometimes you’ll get Karma trying to storm out of a bedroom ball pit whilst wearing a lavender dress that I really need to own, tripping over purple, teal, and silver balls, but most of all her own indignation :o Other times, you’ll see Lauren casually saying with full-on self-awareness, “Old people love me; I share their values.” It’s a great balance, overall.

  1. The Lack of Shallow and Stereotypes

It’s MTV. It’s a show about teenagers in high school, and the whole premise is based on an uber-liberal school getting excited about having its first lesbian couple. Shane is pretty flamboyant (when asked to “butch it up” for a family dinner, he comes dressed in Amy’s words as “Magic Mike”). Lauren is a family-values neocon who looks like she spends her nights dreaming of being a FOX News anchor. Basically, the show on the surface is ALL stereotype, but within a very short period of time, “Faking It” makes it clear that the show has not come to bring peace but a sword, as it spends its time skewering stereotypes, while still mining them for humor.

4. Because “Degrassi’s” Going Away

Guys, I still haven’t wrapped my brain around the fact that “Degrassi’s” ending next month. I know there is talk that there will be a spinoff/reappropriation/whatever they want to call it, but I’m devastated! I know, I know — I’ll be 40 in two months and yada yada yada, but whatever! I’ve been watching it since I was 12, and even with the reboot when I was nearly 30, it kept me feeling energized. I already have to BE an adult, and my own IRL-teen show (Beverly Hills 90210) spent most of its post-Brenda energy on adult bullshit anyway. When I get home from work, I don’t want to watch a show about angry adults being evil to each other. I want to laugh, and I want to remember what it feels like to have teenage hope again.

But on the serious level, I do like learning about what The Kids are dealing with today. “Degrassi’s” never shied away from any topic, and “Faking It” seems just as prepared to “go there.” Or as my boyfriend said when he overheard me watching it from the other room, “It’s like a dirtier ‘Degrassi.'”

In all fairness, that was the threesome episode, but it was really funny and kind of true. It’s always made me happy that “Degrassi’s” existed, because it tackles things that even adults are like “Too soon!” about. Adam who was transgender, I can’t imagine how many people his character helped. Now on “Faking It,” we have an intersex character in Lauren. She struggled with feeling like it was a shameful secret, but based on the end of S2, is poised — literally and figuratively, because Lauren can raise her chin and straighten her spine like no one since Anne Shirley — to own it with pride.

5. The Friendship  

Probably my very favorite thing about “Faking It” if I could only pick one thing, is that despite the show’s premise and the humor behind it, they treat Amy’s realization that she’s in love with Karma no differently than Joey’s feelings for Pacey, Willow’s for Xander, or any other teen-in-love-with-her-best-friend show. There is the added level of confusion, since Amy didn’t “even like looking at (her) own vagina,” back in the pilot. She doesn’t even know if she’s a lesbian for awhile; she just knows that she loves the person she’s been tied to the hip with since kindergarten. I honestly can’t imagine; unrequited love is hard enough. Amy’s situation is like getting dumped within a 16-year marriage, only having to still live with the person. But it’s not even THAT, because Karma really loves Amy with her whole heart — just not in that way. In the end, whether they end up in the same bed or separate houses next door to each other, they are soulmates. That to me is the most compelling part of an all-around awesome show.

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Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 24: Switchblade Sisters

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“Switchblade Sisters” is “A ROLLING THUNDER PICTURE.” It opens with purple text over pictures from my childhood and The Beatles’ “Help!”

A lady sings about a “Blackhearted woman” as Pre-Molly Ringwald does “stage business” at a vanity, then puts on a hoodie.

A dude shows up to Molly Ringwald’s apartment to repossess her TV while the kids are watching it, but a lady in charge who is wearing a sherbet-colored housedress with faux-fur cuffs gives him money. He goes away, but you can tell Molly Ringwald is concerned.

Dude gets in the elevator, flipping through his little black book. He and Molly Ringwald do REALLY gross “come hither” things with their tongues that I remember people doing in the ‘80s and I’m really glad they stopped, at least as far as I can tell.

But what is this! One by one, *tough* girls get in the elevator, and Tongue Dude is increasingly alarmed! As he should be, because they stop the elevator. Molly Ringwald says “Freeze, Greaseball!” and even though her voice is super high, he’s scared because her friends sport not only eye patches but also nose rings, and she cuts off his tie. Then they attack him, a la The Pack in “Buffy.”

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Dude in a station wagon honks at the gang, even though they’re going through a crosswalk as it is, but they’re so tough they don’t even care. They show up to iHop meets All-American Burger, where guys are hanging out. And you know they are Likewise No Good, because they too are clad in black leather/denim/variations on that theme. One of them looks like a guy from “Santa Barbara” and Teen Beat circa 1986, and the other is Bob Pinciotti from “That ‘70s Show.”

They all canoodle, and SB guy whose name is Dom goes, “You’re one hell of a fox, baby…Let’s have some burgers for the ladies!” in the best delivery I’ve ever witnessed.

I can’t even recap the next scene, but suffice it to say it involves fat-shaming the one girl who’s showing cleavage, and Molly Ringwald holding her nose into a snout. So I now hate Molly Ringwald, whose real name I hope we find out soon.

The gang bullies people away from “their table,” but what is this! A girl who gives totally new definition to the term “ash blonde” is not scared of these punk girls! She throws pepper into Eye Patch’s one good eye, then pulls out some ninja moves whilst wearing short-shorts and black boots with studs.

Btw, the girl gang is called “The Dagger Debs,” and Ash Blonde “ain’t with a gang.”

Punch buggy yellow!

 It’s the fuzz! Here to harsh on…I don’t even know, but in this case, I’m on their side, because Dagger Debs and the guys whose “gang” name I can’t recall are the worst. The Dagger Debs deny knowing anything about gang activity.

“Brady Bunch” Alice’s cousin shows up to fulfill the 1975 female prison warden stereotpe.

Ash Blonde’s blue eyeshadow is no worse for the wear, inexplicably. I get creases just from sitting at my desk, and would love to know her secret.

The wardens try to finger-rape Ash Blonde, so she kicks Alice’s Cousin in the vagina. In retaliation, the wardens repeatedly dunk her head in the toilet. Ash Blonde keeps fighting back.

Molly Ringwald is impressed enough to lead the pack o’ ladies into the bathroom to rough up the wardens. Everyone in the audience hoping for a dirtier movie that everything on the surface promises to deliver will have to settle for some boobs right now, because whose top hasn’t busted off whilst fighting for justice?

Obligatory scene where Molly Ringwald and Ash Blonde bond. The latter is getting out of captivity, and MR gives her a letter for “Dominic” (the “Santa Barbara” man), then creepily says, “I’d kill for that guy.” Ash Blonde toats gets it though, then leaves, albeit pantsless.

Several years ago, I played GTA IV by proxy and didn’t want to steal cars or hurt anyone, therefore spent a lot of time at the bar playing pool with Jacob. This next set looks like that bar. It’s the lair of the 50-year-old teenage boy gang, and they look pensive when Ash Blonde shows up with the love letter from Molly Ringwald. The boys chide Dom for being “pussy whipped,” and Bob Pinciotti makes Dom read the letter out loud. So he does, as the boys cackle away, ’cause girls have cooties.

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Until Ash Blonde goes “That’s enough!” And rips the letter out of Dom’s hands, then SMACKS him :o

Then she runs home to “Mom,” who is apparently having sex with some dude. Ash Blonde smiles to herself because aw, until there is Dom at the not just unlocked but open door! Not to victim blame, but really, Ash Blonde? Then in a troubling scene that I can’t begin to explain nor desire to, he forces himself on her. Sort of. It’s really hard to tell, and one reason I don’t even want to talk about this business that ends up with her head in his lap and saying she likes him.

Classroom. Beleaguered teacher. When his student picks a fight with him, Molly Ringwald and Ash Blonde beat up the student: in defense of the teacher, or so they could take over the classroom? Unclear, as is the sudden storyline about white panties.

People smoke weed outside during lunch time. The principal shows up, looking exactly the same age as the “kids,” and encourages them to mend fences.

Then we find out that Eye Patch Girl is super jealous of new girl Ash Blonde. Until she finds out that Ash and Dom had sex!

Which Molly Ringwald refuses to believe!

Warehouse/lair. Molly watches from a distance as Dom demands Ash Blonde hang out with him, and grabs her arm! Because she will not double cross Ash Blonde!

Every line Molly has, it’s like she reacts, waits five seconds, raises the pitch and volume of her voice by two octaves, then delivers her line: “Why don’t you just uh, SHUT up, uh.” Because she’s not even trying to hear Eye Patch Girl’s assertions that Dom is cheating.

Molly wants to make Ash an “official Dagger girl,” but Eye Patch insists that Ash earn her stripes! They order her to steal a medallion, even though it wasn’t even the ‘80s yet.

Molly shows up to some newspaper/radical office and finds the possessor of the medallion, who is basically that one guy in “Across the Universe.” She bimbos her way closer to him in a dress that’s actually super cute, looking more like Margot Robbie than ever.

Ash goes down on this dude on a set that looks unsettlingly like “The Brady Bunch,” OR DOES SHE? In fact, she causes a table-overturning ruckus, a la Jesus in the temple.

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But the whole point was to fulfill her mission and get the medallion, which Ash holds up in triumph. Molly Ringwald looks duly impressed, and rather turned on, in her way.

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Apparently before there were webcams and normal prostitutes, there was Bob Pinciotti pimping out one of the Dagger Debs in the bathroom! She flashes set o’ boobs number two and then apparently has sex with a “nerd.”

Seriously though, with the ‘70s and people’s ages. I’ll be 40 in like 90 days and still think “These teenagers look middle aged.” It will most likely not be until the retirement home that I watch a ‘70s high school movie and feel older than the cast.

The next scene is really upsetting in a non-fun, non-cheesy way. Radio edit.

Warehouse. Molly tries to comfort the victim of the last scene’s attack and the whole gang plots revenge on the rival one.

Ew, Molly and Dom are naked in bed in the middle of the night. They act, and the movie presents to us pair o’ boobs number three. In a terrifying strike to the gene pool, Molly announces that she’s pregnant.

I was in a play 17 years ago and one day after we rehearsed a scene, the director tried to as diplomatically as possible tell me that I seemed as though I were channeling Shirley Temple, not in the good way. That is how Molly is in this entire movie — every scene, every line, every pout — and it’s rather glorious to behold. Now she is screeching that “It’s (Ash)!” causing their relationship problems and Dom is like “Get an abortion, beeyotch.”

The gangs roller skate. Then a fight breaks out in a super confusing way, and then there is a shootout. Dom doesn’t make it.

Hospital. Molly lies that Dom was proud to be the baby daddy of her squawky offspring. There’s a super-unfortunate near-monologue, but/so this scene is overall a 9.5 on the acting cheez scale, by everyone involved. Molly even tears apart her teddy bear :o

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The cops are here to get info out of the Dagger Debs about gangs and the roller-skating rink incident. They act “sassy,” then saunter away.

Warehouse/lair. Whoa, I was going to say this place is like the Bronze and now I notice they have a very Bronze-esque couch. Anyway, the Debs stand up to Bob Pinciotti, despite his knife he’s wielding. Then they (obvi) make fun of his penis, and he leaves, but not before sneering that “You broads don’t have a chance.”

Ash gives a “rousing” speech and it’s super awkward, and therefore pretty awesome. She renames the gang “Jezebels,” because of course.

The Jezebels get frisked by a gang with guns! Because they need to get into a building…not sure why. Hopefully they’ll fill in the blanks for me soon.

Oh okay, Ash is old friends with the matriarch figure who doesn’t seem particularly gang-like, just authoritative. Ash tells her they need help. Matriarch is impressed that they’re an all-female posse.

Oh God. Another “battle for power” exchange between Eye Patch and Molly. Eye Patch’s hair looks gorgeous, and she reminds me of Holly J. Sinclair more than ever. Molly’s voice manages to out-quaalude-by-way-of-helium itself. “Let me do it my way!” she implores Eye Patch, who is totally gaining my trust and respect by the minute.

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Target practice. The gang extras are more middle aged than ever. Ash gets entirely too many lines. My new BFF Eye Patch steals the whole scene even without speaking. Molly gives another Shirley Temple call to arms.

Now out of nowhere, Molly and Eye Patch are plotting to kill Ash.

Food truck, as this movie manages to out-hipster itself. Oh wait, it’s not actually a food truck per se; it’s to give food to needy kids, which is nice except it looks like they’re serving gray gruel. Probably nutritious, but depressing nonetheless. Ash smashes a…plate of this into a dude’s face, which makes me hate her a little more because there are malnourished kids out there, ASH. Put your stupid faux gangster beef where it belongs!

But no, these assholes ruin the whole truck, as Molly inexplicably sports tinfoil Princess Leia buns and women from Matriarch’s gang squat and run around with machine guns in the middle of the streets.

The whole town gets involved! Including a guy in a sweater of an even brighter yellow than you could dream possible. As well as people driving…tanks! In a scene where the budget went entirely to special effects and bright yellow sweaters, not so much the sets themselves, which resemble cardboard boxes overall.

Molly and no-longer-my-BFF Eye Patch are trying to kill Ash and “make it look like an accident.” It doesn’t work out, but they do take out the rival gang guy from “Across the Universe,” much to Ash’s chagrin. The rest of the exchange is excellent, and Molly’s “What do you MEAN, conVENient” through gritted teeth deserves to be played at every Oscars ceremony for the rest of the Earth’s duration.

Close your eyes. Think of the scariest cake you’ve ever seen in your whole life. Then open them, and see this:

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I’m not even sure what this next scene is about, but Molly slaps the “chubby” girl (who I think is pretty hot actually) and yells again, some more.

Then she punches Ash in the neck and the back until Ash passes out! Even the gang girls are like, whoa not cool Molly.

There is some not even 11th hour but 11:30th hour business about the gang fracturing. Then out of NOwhere, Molly rips off Ash’s shirt, exposing pair o’ boobs number four, and PUTS OUT A CIGARETTE IN HER BELLY BUTTON.

Ash bounces back (so to speak), and we then get the most grating, fantastic dialogue back and forth that one could ever hope for, combined with a switchblade duel! It includes much grunting and an overturned couch. And many, many cardboard boxes askew and in overall disarray, because this movie’s entire budget went to cocaine for everyone involved.

And okay, possible a couple of stunt doubles because there are actually some impressive moves. And Molly cuts Ash’s face at the mouth, a la the Joker!

Suddenly, Tarantino and Rodriguez are here to direct the next 60 seconds, which are surprisingly good. As are the next 15, in which Eye Patch gets shunned from the gang, Amish-style.

Then Ash misdirects her anger at a police officer, shouts over and over about how the Jezebels will be back, and sports some of the most hilarious fake blood I’ve ever seen.

~ THE END ~

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Vanderpump Rules: S3, Ep9: What Happens In San Diego… Recap!

Watching “Vanderpump Rules” as a newcomer feels much like it did back in the olden days, before you could fully binge on any given show with just the click of a button. For this show is not available on DVD, and anywhere you can find full eps online, you have to pay for them individually, and I don’t have that kind of money!

So I’m left to hoard the precious eps I do have on the DVR. Please forgive the capricious order, as we start with the first S3 ep (9): “What Happens In San Diego…”

Omg! I’m not going to recap the previouslies (heh, my autocorrect changes that to “previous lies”) for regular eps, but these previouslies have my hands-down favorite clip of the show — Scheana’s and Stassi’s hissing exchange, culminating with Stassi’s classic line: “You know, I’m not really sure what I’ve done to you, but I’ll take a pinot grigio.”

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And Scheana’s equally classic face in response:

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Credits, and onto the episode! Stassi, Kristina, and Vail show up to Vinoteque, which already piques my interest, because “Vino,” if not so much the “Teque.” Not that I’m anti-Teque, but a place could be called “Vino Dirty Alleyway,” and I’d listen. Stassi is dressed more Julie Cooper than ever in all leopard print, and they are here to celebrate her birthday. They are the first there, because Stassi “is so on time for everything, it disgusts (her).”

Then Stassi confessionals about how it is when a new girl comes to school, and proceeds to describe the politics of the Fabulous Five, series spinoff to the Taffy Sinclair books, only it’s among 20- and 30-somethings at SUR. Essentially, the different cliques fight over who gets the new girl in their group.

Katie, Schwartz, and Peter show up and kiss Stassi hello. Stassi said she wanted a chill birthday this year, so why not wine taste? Then we get an awesome montage of past not-so-chill Stassi birthdays, where she screeches and tells people to shut the *bleep* up, because it’s her birthday. All while sporting a rather enviable bosom.

In real time, the waiter brings over a lovely assortment of wine, and they cheers to Stassi. Kristina gets all, “And NO drama, you guys,” in keeping with the reality show rule that she who smelt it, dealt it, because where was there drama tonight, thus far?

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Oh here it is! Stassi says “literally” (DRINK!), and pointedly brings up the non-invited Jax, Kristen, and Scheana; then Jeremy and Jen say they got a second-tier invite to Scheana’s wedding. Everyone chortles, because suddenly the table is filled with Emily Gilmores.

Not a fan of the ensuing cattiness over someone’s wedding plans, and agree with Vail, as she confessionals that the level of shit talking is off the charts and what are they going to say about her when she leaves the room? High five, Vail!

IMO, Katie is the only one in the room with a right to be pissed at Scheana’s wedding etiquette. Schwartz got an invitation and she didn’t, and that’s really not cool. Schwartz is also endearing as he confesses that he hid his invitation “like a coward.”

Villa Rosa. Scheana shows up to “pick up platters for the event tomorrow.” Lisa offers her a cup of tea and when Scheana accepts, Lisa awesomely responds “I was hoping you would say no.” Turns out the event is for Same Sky, which is awesome. 

The second point of this scene is for Lisa to rightfully admonish Scheana for not inviting Stassi but way moreso Katie to her wedding and bachelorette party. Lisa says that if her husband Ken went to such an important party without her, it would be a one-way trip :-D Scheana tells Lisa she will see Katie at work tomorrow and “extend the olive branch.”

New scene, in front of Tom and Katie’s apartment. In one of the more meta lines of the show, Jax says “Just jam it in there, man. We don’t really have a choice,” only this time he is talking about luggage. They are all driving to San Diego, as Jax’s girlfriend Tiffany works in the hospitality industry and hooked them up for their guys’ weekend. 

Oh yeah and Sandoval helpfully reminds us that three days ago, Jax texted “the world” that he and Tiffany had broken up, including Vail. Now they’re all headed to San Diego thanks to Tiffany, and it’s weird. Seems like Jax’s friends all like Tiffany the most out of his girlfriends, and don’t want to see him screw it up. Sandoval continues that this is going to be the first weekend where he, Schwartz, and Jax all have girlfriends, so it will just be about bro-ing out.

In the car, the three bromigos + Peter sit in traffic with a blurred-out license plate (sorry stalkers!), while Jax said that he had coffee with Vail, which didn’t go over well with Tiffany. Then he says Vail tweeted about the coffee date, which is how Tiffany found out, and the guys are like uh no, that was you.

Okay so I’m not fancy, but have always enjoyed the few occasions where you get to sit in the fresh air and have bottle service. That the guys have this private big…bed by the pool just makes it that much cooler. If I were ever rich, that’s the kind of luxury I’d enjoy here and there! But meanwhile, the guys are acting as though they’ve never seen women before, even though I don’t see anyone in these “stupid monogamy, ‘cause look!” shots who compares to any of the SURvers (or bartender or hostess). But I guess these pens are already covered with SUR’s company ink, so lusting after these chicks it is. They all drink from a Grey Goose bottle, Sandoval in porthole sunglasses.

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Jax does exactly what Katie said he’d do, which is try to get his friends to hook up with other girls. He says he wants to see Schwartz make out with another girl. 

Time passes, many drinks are had, and Sandoval pushes Jax into the pool. As Jax drinks from the bottle whilst in the water, Sandoval confessionals that it’s getting to that point where Jax is getting really shitfaced, looking for validation, forgetting about Tiffany, and looking for anyone to bring home. Interesting.

The Toms say they’re going to text their respective girlfriends…

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…but Jax doesn’t think that’s a good idea.

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SUR prepares for the Same Sky event. Scheana buys some jewelry to support, then invites Katie to her bridal shower tomorrow and bachelorette party in Miami. Katie looks rather gobsmacked, then says she knows their friendship has been touch and go but she would like them to try. They both agree to do just that and it’s really sweet. Scheana confessionals about how she was taught to be the bigger person and always is, which sounds a little cocky but you know, it really does seem true. I feel like if the world were more filled with conversations and attitudes like her and Katie’s just now, it would be a better place!

Lisa shows up and asks Vail why she’s not wearing Same Sky jewelry in support. This somehow transitions into Vail asks Lisa if Lisa still has her pink streaks. Lisa says yes, and when Vail goes “Would you be offended if I did like, blue—“ Lisa hilariously cuts her off and says “Yes,” while walking away.

The event takes place and it’s of course a hit. Lisa buys the most expensive jewelry she can, and the woman in charge of the fundraiser is so grateful for everything Lisa’s done, and for her wonderful staff. It’s really nice.

Back in San Diego, “Vanderpump Rules” has possibly never felt more “Real World” than in this moment right now, where we see shots of the guys’ beyond-expensive-looking room at the Hard Rock Hotel. Jax dances around and Peter tells him to save it for the club.

Shots of guys preening as they get ready for the club. Sandoval makes me LOL when he tells Jax, “Hey Adam Levine on steroids just called — he wants his look back.”

Club. More bottle service: one bottle of Grey Goose and one of tequila. A girl dressed like a stripper (literally, not being catty) catches Jax’s eye, and the Toms both try to keep Jax at bay and drive the point home that Jax’s GIRLFRIEND hooked them up with this place and this weekend. The only one getting his crotched grabbed is single, but even that’s just Peter being silly! All the boys are just having fun chilling and dancing until uh-oh:

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“Where’s Jax?”

Hangover Hotel. Jax asks what happened last night.

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Sandoval comes out and says that he’s really annoyed at Jax for bringing girls back to the room.

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Jax is like “Dude that didn’t happen! What are you talking about!” and it’s impossible to tell whether he did black out and is terrified that his worst morning-after fears are true, or is terrified because he totally remembers and blacking out is his best line of defense.

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Sandoval confessionals that Jax totally disrespected Tiffany by bringing the “most bootleg” girl home, and calls what she and Jax did “assisted masturbation,” as she “literally meant nothing to (Jax).” Oh and just to make matters even skankier, they apparently had sex in the bathroom. In real time, he tells Peter that if Tiffany asks, Sandoval’s not gonna lie. In the meantime, does Peter not really drink all that much when he goes out, or does he always wake up from heavy party nights looking angelic and well rested?!

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Stassi’s apartment. She’s working on a painting while looking super cute in a white men’s shirt. She bought ingredients to make her and Kristina bellinis. Kristina wants one, and so do I! But I can’t even, with this scene. It’s just more gossip about Scheana’s wedding plans.

Schwartz and Katie’s apartment. They have a cute scene where they catch up on their respective weekends. Schwartz is super relieved that Katie’s now involved in Scheana’s wedding festivities, but reminds her that she’s “betraying the queen (Stassi).” Katie is confident that Stassi will understand.

Sandoval arrives at Tom and Katie’s, and Schwartz has made him a breakfast burrito! Sandoval tells Katie that Jax totally *bleeped* the *bleep* out of a girl in the bathroom, and that she wasn’t even hot! The level of his indignation about the second part when you compare it to the indignation level of the first is hilarious. Sandoval confessionals that he’s done covering for Jax.

Schwartz gets very deer in headlights, and says he’s not first-person sure about Jax’s escapades, although “the noises painted quite the soundscape.” Schwartz doesn’t want to get involved, because it’s not in his nature, oh and btw Jax has dirt on him too. Hmmm. Sandoval’s like “You know Jax would rat us out!” and it is amazing to watch the two Toms go back and forth in tanks, shorts, and knit ski caps. Stay cool/warm, guys.

Villa Blanca — Scheana’s bridal shower that Pandora’s arranged. It looks absolutely gorgeous, and really nicely uses Scheana’s pink and gold wedding theme while still looking totally different from the (SPOILER!) wedding. Lisa is very happy to see Katie there, and that her girls are getting along. Me too!

Scheana arrives, and I love her dress! That is also a crop top, which I didn’t realize before. She looks absolutely lovely.

As does Kristen. I don’t know what they’re called, the long straight dresses that are totally conservative until you get to the cute, short bottom, but Kristen is wearing one and of all the people on this show, totally owns that look, a la Spencer Hastings. 

At the table, Scheana decides to tipsy text Stassi in hopes of meeting up with her and giving things one last shot. Then the conversation switches to San Diego “debauchery,” et al., which Scheana hadn’t heard about yet! Pandora cheerses with Scheana “to being old and married,” and not having your SOs entertaining naked women in hotel rooms, even if only by proxy. 

Carmen feigns interest in Kristen’s angst over Katie’s being invited to Miami. Kristen confessionals in a green dress that no one with legs like hers has any right to rock so well boob-wise, that this makes two people she doesn’t like coming to Miami. Well I guess it is a *good thing* it’s not Kristen’s wedding. 

“Jax banged Kristen. Jax used to bang Carmen. And now, I’m telling Kristen and Carmen about the new girl Jax banged, while he cheated on the girl that he’s currently banging. There’s a *bleep* ton of banging going on.”

^^^ Another excellent quotable from Scheana, and no further need to recap the rest of the scene. Except that if you’re playing the at-home drinking game, take two shots for a double whammy of “threw him under the bus,” plus a bonus present tense version thanks to Kristen! Who in another awesome (this time dark blue) dress takes confessionaling and crazy to a whole impressive new level.

Jax and Schwartz and Sandoval drink giant sodas while eating at Hugo’s Tacos. They tell various lies regarding their own vantage points re: San Diego, then relax as the conversation switches to the girl drama on the girls’ side of camp, in this case, how Katie is coming to Miami, and OMG but Stassi is gonna be so mad!

Now Jax is telling tales of revisionist history best left untranscribed regarding *grabbing,* and Schwartz confessionals that Jax’s stories don’t add up, regarding how much he remembers about this chick he may or may not have *bleeped* in the bathroom. Jax in real time says she was throwing up while he gallantly held back her hair, and Schwartz hilariously confessionals in his cowboy shirt about what an enthusiastic vomiter this chick was, as she kept yelling “Yeah baby, yeah baby!”

The Toms barrage Jax with questions and the most animated eyebrows you’ve seen in a long time, as Jax’s eyes widen with faux innocence, somehow growing brighter and greener in the process!

Sandoval asks Jax “for the record” if Jax hooked up in that bathroom, and Jax says no 100 times, all the while keeping his eyes closed shut and shaking his head around.

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Seeing as no one’s buying his histrionics and don’t “have his back” this particular time, Jax in the bright light of day and via speaker phone tells Tiffany about having a girl in his room in San Diego.

Switch to “Bugatta” for the Queen Bee Faceoff: Stassi vs. Scheana! 

The two ladies volley for serve for quite awhile, but Scheana takes it when she drops the bomb that Katie’s coming to her bachelorette party. Stassi looks stunned and said she wasn’t aware.

The rest of the scene, both women seem genuinely hurt, confused, and upset, so I’ll just wrap it up by saying it concludes with them mutually agreeing that they’re not meant to be friends, and Stassi saying “So long” to Scheana and her turbans and unitards. 

~ THE END ~

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No More Santa Soaps

It’s been nearly a year now.

One out of almost 40. In the other 39, I knew you.

You were there, and now you’re not. And no matter how smart I get or how much time passes, I’ll never understand. Still don’t.

Why anyone has to go away, leave this Earth, say goodbye. It’s why I struggle to believe in God anymore.

Perhaps there will come a time when I go to shower in the morning, and the sunlit bathroom doesn’t fill me with sadness, because your bathroom is one of the last places I viscerally remember, even though you hadn’t been in it for months.

Perhaps there will come a day where I don’t ache from knowing you’re not here anymore.

Perhaps, but I don’t know.

I seriously don’t know anything, anymore.

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Vanderpump Rules: S3, Ep21: Secrets Revealed!

It’s pretty hard to express my level of excitement upon seeing that there is a “new” Vanderpump on my DVR, even if it is never-before scene footage from Season Three. It is something. Thank you Bravo; I was starting to get the shakes!

Andy Cohen, host of “Watch What Happens Live” tells us over clips that tonight Lisa and the gang of misfits (?) at SUR will be revealing all, as we see two bare male asses and Schwartz hilariously lamenting, “I saw Jax’s dick.”

Shay sings to Scheana! Vail rejects Peter! The boys get vitamin injections! Katie grows a spine! Jax loses the ability to lie convincingly! It’s all happening tonight, again, some more! And I’m stoked.

We flash all the way back to the reunion that just aired. Jax agrees that he says I love you to a lot of women, considering he’s such a commitment-phobe, and Lisa gets understandably creeped out by Jax’s tattooing names and faces of his exes all over his body.

Cut to a tattoo/piercing place. Jax is there with Sandoval to get Carmen’s name on his forearm covered up, and says that it’s not his first coverup. He used to have Stassi’s name, which got turned into a rose. Now he needs to cover up the Carmen tattoo because it made Tiffany (his girlfriend who hooked him up with a sweet suite in San Diego only to get cheated on when Jax had sex with some random in the bathroom) cry. Sandoval laughs and laughs at Jax’s having to cover up a tattoo he’s only had for a month, whilst dressed like the sun.

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Jax confessionals that he has not, in fact, learned his lesson about getting girls’ names tattooed on his body. Tom is flabbergasted that Jax would get Carmen’s name tattooed on him if he wasn’t even that into her. Apparently Jax lost some bet with Carmen where he had to buy her some pair of shoes, and by getting the tattoo instead, Jax was saving $700 dollars. I can’t even, with that price tag for shoes, so let’s just move on. He covers it up with a flower, and it hurts.

Reunion. Kristen claims to have moved on from Sandoval, as we flash back to James’s apartment. He’s upset that Kristen remembers her breakup anniversary more than her and James’s dating anniversary. He wants her to get rid of her and Sandoval’s photos together, and delete Sandoval as much as possible from her life. Kristen hurts my heart by saying “photos of he and I,” and goes through the folder of pics, deleting Sandoval ones. She then confessionals that she does understand James’s frustration, but Sandoval still was her best friend for six years and they spent every day together. Crazy antics aside and as much as I think James seems awesome, that part I really do get. After cropping Sandoval out of one pic because she looks really hot in it, Kristen permanently deletes the rest of the photos, then smiles really sweetly at James and says “Skeletons gone.” Aw, I liked this scene.

Reunion. Andy asks Lisa if she plans to add any more restaurants here, or if she’s good with the existing three (Villa Blanca, Pump, and SUR). She says that’s enough, and we flash back to Pump’s pre-opening test run. Peter, Katie, Jen (apparently a SURver) Stassi, Ariana, and Stassi’s Mom (has got it going on!) sit at a table. Lisa says they are going to be her guinea pigs. The restaurant looks very pretty, outside with cool trees all around!

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Ariana confessionals that in her experience, restaurant test runs are usually giant shitshows. Sure enough, we see the POS system having problems, which is always a total nightmare for everyone working, and the people at the aforementioned tables complaining that it’s been a long time and they are very hungry. In the end, they get their food and say it was definitely worth the wait. Lisa thanks them for their patience and they thank her for the dinner.

Reunion. Andy asks if Peter and Vail ever hooked up. Why weren’t they at the reunion in the first place? Scheana heard they made out, and sure enough, we see footage of them kissing :o Andy says Peter struggled with the ladies this season, as we flash back to Peter’s apartment. Stassi, Kristina, and Katie show up with a birthday cake they made for him and ask about his love life. He says he met a girl but can’t remember her name. She’s in his phone as “Blond Chick.” Turns out her name is Sarah, which Peter finds out when he calls and asks her out for “a drink or some food.”

Then Sarah’s like, “Well I am seeing someone, but I’m…always looking for friends,” and Stassi’s reaction makes me LOL:

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Peter’s like um okay, and Stassi awesomely confessionals: “What girls need new guy friends that look like Peter?” 

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Flashback to Sandoval’s apartment, where Schwartz talks about his latest modeling job, and says that Sandoval is his modeling muse. There’s some hilarious back and forth of confessionals and Sandoval and Schwartz doing all their modeling poses that Sandoval’s named as if they were yoga poses or Phoebe’s guitar chords. Schwartz and Ariana tease Sandoval a bit, and it’s actually really cute :-D

Flashback to SUR, where Jax is going out for a phone break in the alley. Some dude is rolling silver, and Katie is there too. Jax gives her a big apology for being a douche. Katie’s not even trying to hear it, because she knows he’s trying to cover his ass after cheating on Tiffany in San Diego. Jax makes that Very Sincere Surprised face that lets you know he’s probably lying and says he didn’t cheat. He finally walks away in defeat and Katie rolls her eyes.

Flashback to Jax surprising Sandoval and Schwartz with vitamin injections. That sounds really awesome to me, but Schwartz is scared and confessionals in a blue cowboy shirt/peasant blouse that he’s scared.

Ha! Sandoval tells the doctor he’s going to troll Schwartz, then starts yelling in fake pain from behind the closed door. In the waiting room, Schwartz looks terrified, and it is hilarious :-D Sandoval keeps limping and gasping in pain and generally acting like me after a waitressing shift. He says it’s fun to bully Schwartz once in awhile, and Jax jokes that he doesn’t know whether Schwartz is more afraid of needles or marrying Katie.

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I’m totally feeling Schwartz’s pain as he waits for his injection. Not the needle part, I’m fine with those. But I’m pretty terrified of heights, and he looks like how I felt when I first got on the Batapult at Cave of the Winds after losing my religion on the ropes course, right down to the in-labor teeth breathing. So I do feel really bad for him, but it’s still hilarious to watch Jax and Sandoval laughing at him, and Sandoval warning him to make sure there’s no air bubbles in the liquid, or he’ll die.

Whoa, Schwartz then compares it to skydiving, after he gets through it and feels so relieved. I’m proud of you, Schwartz!

Reunion. Scheana says the only thing marriage has really changed for her and Shay is her name, and that life is happier and more blissful. Flashback to Scheana seeking Lisa’s help for Shay and her dad’s lack of rhythm. When Scheana mentions that her dad’s in his 50s, Lisa awesomely goes: “Excuse me, I’m in my 50s, and I was on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ It nearly killed me!” 

Cut to Scheana, Arianna, Shay, and Ron (Scheana’s dad) at Gleb’s dance studio. Gleb is Lisa’s partner from DwtS, and apparently very sexual. They all seem to be having fun, and then Scheana in a confessional sums up in one line everything that is amazing about this show and Scheana herself:

“I gotta twerk a little on my wedding day. I mean, obvi.

Reunion. Andy asks Schwartz why he thinks so many women still fall for Jax. He says it’s because Jax is really good at telling people what they want to hear, including Schwartz himself. Then he TOTALLY blushes when Jax says he loves Schwartz the most.

We flash back to an ep I didn’t see where they are all randomly in…a sauna? A sushi place? Really confused as to what this room is. But anyway, Jax has a bunch of girls in his phone as descriptions, not names, and says that he’s sexted multiple girls at once. And that one time, one of those women turned out to be his mother by accident.

Flashback to Miami, where they are all getting along, drunk on the beach, and swimming. Jax and Sandoval decide to skinny dip, and we see two rather lengthy shots of their bare asses, considering this is on Bravo. Jax laments that this year, only the guys are skinny dipping, whereas on past trips, it’s been girls.

Okay, I thought maybe we were going to get some answers about that confusing room everyone was in earlier. They show the building, and it’s named “Dream.” A clue! But then we get inside; the guys are gone, and the girls are drinking champagne while carving zucchini penises. I know it’s a coed bachelor/bachelorette party, but I’m still super confused about what this room is supposed to be.

Flashback to when Kati and Stassi were still friends and went on the J.D. Luxe fashion truck, which is apparently a thing in LA. You can buy dresses and jewelry, and hopefully no one traps you inside and kidnaps you.

They shop around and it does look like fun. Katie picks up a bra and says, “Oo, this one is really sexy too. It goes like, over the boobs,” and while I agree that it’s a sexy bra, I have absolutely no idea what that second part means.

Stassi says that while she loves the cute dresses, her favorite part of the trucks is that they have “so much great jewelry,” and it appears that Stassi has bought all of it and put it on at the same time.

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Flashback to Lisa and her remarkable cleavage holding a meeting at “Fig & Olive” with a restaurant consultant named Todd. She wants to make sure she’s keeping her staff on its toes, and we flash even further back to a secret diner returning her “too sour” drink to Stassi, who cracks me up when she responds, “That’s probably because Jax made it.”

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Todd’s going to be the secret diner tonight! He gets a drink from Jax and Ariana, then is seated by Vail, and waited on by Kristen. It’s bizarre to go from so many off-shift staff shenanigans to them all being so professional and gracious. Then Todd finds a hair on his plate. Kristen handles it well, but starts to get a little annoyed when she serves him a fresh new dish and he just wants dessert and doesn’t even want her to wrap up the new meal.

I guess time passes, because now Todd’s sitting down with Lisa and hands her a giant-ass binder, of which she is naturally terrified. “What could be in this manuscript?” she wonders. Then she basically rejects all his advice.

Flashback to a pizza party and Sandoval’s house. Scheana and Katie bicker about whether or not Scheana’s *allowed* to be friends with Kristen. Scheana says “Not everyone sucks Stassi’s asshole like you do, Katie.” I actually like all three ladies in different ways, but am with Scheana on this one completely. People like Stassi might enjoy having ladies in waiting, but IMO don’t really respect pushovers that much. Even Schwartz agrees with Scheana! Katie confessionals that she wants Schwartz to have her back more (DRINK!), and maybe it’s spliced in from a time she’s actually referring to Jax drama, which is more understandable. But I in no way think Schwartz is obligated to have her back over this nonsensical beef that occurred hours earlier in the club. Katie starts freaking out and gesticulating wildly, ranting about I don’t even know what. She storms out, all while Schwartz eats a slice of pizza in the kitchen and completely misses her departure, only to realize quite awhile later and everyone laughs at him :-D

Flashback to the night of Scheana and Shay’s wedding, post-reception. Shay’s written a song for Scheana that he’s performing with Sandoval and “Ryan.” He gets a line or two in, then is like “I can’t do this,” but it’s hard to tell if it’s because he feels too drunk, too shy, or both. Everyone encourages him to try again, and he ends up singing a song about how he and Scheana “will take this world by storm.” Everyone looks genuinely happy for them, and Scheana beams away and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still currently a little choked up. This freaking show, man.

~ THE END ~

Posted in Entertainment, Los Angeles, Mike Shay, POS systems, Pump restaurant, Scheana Marie, Scheana Shay, soft run openings, SUR restaurant, TV, Vanderpump Rules Recaps, Villa Blanca, Watch What Happens Live | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Vanderpump Rules: The Season 3 Finale Recap!

What you need to understand about “Vanderpump Rules” is that I had nothing to prepare me for it. There was no gateway drug. I never watched one episode of “Real Housewives.” Since my torrid love affair with the “Ashley Parker Angel” show, et al. back in ’05, the only reality show I’ve really watched since is “Survivor,” which IMO doesn’t count.

Naturally, I was like “Ugh, what is this nonsense?” upon seeing Kristen “pick up her mail” from Tom Sandoval’s house and get all dramatic. Not even sure why Bravo was on that day I fatefully turned on the television. But damn if I didn’t watch the rest of the marathon, then all the back eps I could find on demand.

This show is so strangely and powerfully addictive and it’s like, don’t think you can withstand the magic, because you barely get a second to look away from this abyss before it swallows you alive and next thing you know, you are sitting in ladybug PJ pants and a novelty sweatshirt on a sunny Saturday afternoon, writing about this shitshow. This wonderful, glorious shitshow. Please, Bravo. Sate us all and air Seasons One and Two this summer <3

For now, it’s all about the Season Three finale, which opens with “Previously this season, on ‘Vanderpump Rules’”:

They held a car wash, danced at clubs, kissed each other, and wore white in a photo shoot. Lisa said they were acting like trash. They danced on a boat, Scheana in a sailor hat, Sandoval in the outfit I wore to Adventureland in 1989, had I subbed out the shorts for a Speedo.

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Fights break out! “Young and the Restless” Vail becomes a hostess! She and Jax flirt in the storyline that ended not with a literal or figurative bang, but a whimper! Scheana invites Katie to her wedding, and whilst wearing a turban, breaks the news to Stassi who is dressed like Hillary Clinton after raiding Cleopatra’s tomb! Katie wins hearts ‘round the world when she tells “betrayed” Stassi to Shut the *bleep* up! Scheana wears a crop-top wedding dress! Tom Schwartz is a cheater no he isn’t yes he is! He tries to skirt marriage for the time being by giving Katie a ring on a gold chain, and she proceeds to say “ring on a string” 70 billion times! Lisa counsels Katie! Tom Sandoval sobs into his cigarette as Kristen licks her lips in satisfaction! James can’t take any more of Kristen’s obsession, gets drunk at Scheana’s wedding, and Kristen punches him in the face! Scheana squeezes one last bit of “My Wedding” out of the situation, as her voice turns into a dog whistle, and Vail desperately clings for Vanderpump relevancy in the background!

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Oooo, Lisa is tired of Kristen’s bullshit and she’s fired! A girl who went to my brother’s alma mater high school shows up in “Road Rules” Rachel’s lip gloss, insisting that yes she and Sandoval did so have sex in Miami, while Sandoval screams no they didn’t! People talking about the truth coming out! Sandoval like Schwartz makes his cheating Jax’s fault ‘cause he keeps *ratting them out*! Jax says in front of Scheana that yes 100%, Sandoval had sex with Miami girl. Kristen looks around in satisfaction like, “Now everyone will like me!” even though that crazy train departed a long time ago, but I hope it helps that WE love you on our televisions, Kristen!

Opening credits! What I love most about VP credits is that they’re like “Degrassi’s,” when they still had them. Jax, Sandoval, and Ariana are bartenders; Scheana, Katie, and Kristen are waitresses! Stassi and Schwartz don’t work! Lisa is a dragon goddess that you don’t want to cross and looks gorgeous at all times, this particular one in a purple satin dress! Group shot, and now we’re finally starting the finale!

Lisa talks to Tommy Garcia the photographer in the parking lot of a really cool pink motel, named thusly. She’s using it for her latest photo shoot, and I really do think Lisa puts on amazing displays, whether it’s a parade or a photo shoot. This time, she’s going for a ‘50s theme. I like that even though she’s done the bathing suit thing, even that was artistic, and she doesn’t just do the bathing suit thing.

Lisa describes her vision to Tommy while looking every bit as stunning in a plain white tee and jeans as she did in the purple dress. Oh and I just noticed the pink in the ends of her hair! I love Lisa so much, but will try to stop gushing because we have a photo shoot to get to!

There’s a pink convertible on set — not sure if that’s always there at the hotel or brought in just for the occasion, but it’s all really cool, visually. The gang arrives to get ready, and Jax says the hotel is like “Bates Motel meets Miami in the ‘50s.”

As they get made up, Katie informs Scheana that Stassi is still not talking to her, and confessionals that she and Stassi are moving apart — Stassi is learning to embrace her hatred, and Katie’s learning to let hers go. I freaking love Katie. Oh and whoa. To say that big necklaces are back would appear to be an understatement:

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So to speak. Because apparently, “statement necklaces” are a thing. Much like bandage dresses, I have no idea when this happened. Why are they statement necklaces? This is what happens when I skip the gym and don’t read Cosmo on the elliptical.

Scheana and Katie discuss whether Schwartz will ever propose while looking amazing in no makeup. Scheana shuts Jax down when he poo poos marriage. Scheana and Jax’s friendship is one of my favorite parts of the show. The Jaxes of this world need female friends who don’t sleep with them and who call them on their shit.

Katie stuffs her shirt and apparently “Dani, SUR server” exists, because there she is, skateboarding in a bikini. As people…did in the ‘50s?

Jax shaves. Sandoval talks about his head shape and Clinique bronzer. Lisa calls the girls out of the motel/dressing room and while they all look beautiful, Katie looks SLAMMING. She correctly VOs that the ‘50s are a really good look for her.

And James is the VIP for the boys! They all look good as well, but James is knocking it out of the park with the James Dean thing. Photos are taken, and Jax self-admires his Botox.

They go for a break, and Scheana pulls Sandoval aside to tell him Jax told her Sandoval did indeed sleep with Miami girl. Scheana confessionals that she tries to bring all her friends together, and it causes her a lot of anxiety when they fight, so “thank you Kristen.” Sandoval confessionals that only two days ago, he’d asked Jax not to talk about him to Kristen because bitch be crazy. Somehow this translates into how Jax shouldn’t talk to Scheana either and Sandoval’s cheating magically becomes about Jax who may be a boor, but I personally think gets dumped on, personal-responsibility-wise. While he may lie a lot and be an opportunistic friend oftentimes, where you put your penises truly are your own individual responsibilities. IMHO!

OT: Are Jax and Sandoval in a Parisian cafe in this flashback?

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Anyway, Sandoval sulks and says Jax is a liar. Scheana thinks Jax has actually been on “more of a truth kick” this year. Sandoval’s mad because this gives Kristen “ammo,” and I love how Kristen is this season’s Vanderpump Big Bad. Sandoval disagrees vehemently with Scheana on the truth kick, and can’t believe he has to do yet another awkward photo shoot where he’s mad at Jax. We flash back to a different photo shoot that I didn’t have the pleasure of witnessing yet. Scheana’s like, well he’s your BFF. Sandoval says he’s not and Scheana responds, “Whatevs.”

Lisa calls everyone back to the set and has donned cat’s-eye-but-not, pink-rimmed sunglasses. Of course she wants “just the two guys” for the next shot; i.e., Jax and Sandoval. I love this show.

Costume/set change! The whole SUR gang’s there, not just the main cast, and are working bathing suits into the equation via ‘50s beach movie.

They go to the dressing room for touchups, and complain that it’s hot. Scheana brings up her dinner with Jax, Rachel, and Kristen (wherein Jax said Tom slept with Miami girl). Ariana gets all pissy and says “I can not be talking to somebody while he’s *bleeping* somebody.” Which from what I hear about Paris Hilton’s sex tape, is incorrect. Then she says that FaceTime wouldn’t work in Sandoval’s (Miami) room.

Oh honey.

Scheana reminds Ariana that Sandoval cheated with Ariana on Kristen and didn’t ‘fess up for years. She just doesn’t want Ariana to be naive. Ariana hilariously replies, “I am the least naive person on this planet.” Then even more awesomely goes on to say “I’m smarter than every *bleeping* person I’ve ever met in my life.” Then Scheana’s like, do you 100% believe with all your heart that he didn’t cheat? Ariana replies in the affirmative, and Scheana really sweetly says okay, that’s the last she’ll bring it up. Scheana’s my favorite; I just love her sassiness and even more, how she really does seem to put her friends’ happiness above her own. She says “I love you” and beams at Ariana, who replies “I love you too.”

Establishing shots show us we’re changing locations to Schwartz, who’s gone back to his and Katie’s couples therapist on his own. I really admire that. In my own way, I actually like all the guys on this show, but Schwartz seems like the kindest one. He sits on the couch wearing Mr. Rogers couture and Carol Seaver glasses, and admits he’s terrified to get married, that the idea of being with one person for the rest of his life sounds so bad to him. He confessionals that it scares him — “How do you know?” that you won’t be one of the 50% to get divorced?

Photo shoot. Lisa confessionals that the kids should “take a page out of that book,” as in the pre-sexual revolution ‘50s. Hee. They’re now doing a “Grease” thing with the whole group next to/on/in the pink convertible. This seriously despite the heat looks like so much fun.

They break so that Tom can pull Jax aside to confront him about “ratting.” Jax is predictably stammery, making that face little kids make when they’re trying to lie to you and practically go cross eyed furrowing their brow in faux confusion. Arianna wanders up looking like Lucille Ball in her underwear and wants to join the conversation of which she’s a subject. Jax walks away and we get scene 1, 082 about Miami girl and how Jax is a liar, and Tom and Arianna are the most In Love Couple of all time 4eva.

Vail flirts with Peter, which was already old three eps ago, and the gang goes back to work for the last shot. Lisa has changed into a strapless black lace dress for the occasion, and they pose in front of the Pink Motel sign. “That’s a wrap!”

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Guess who’s back, back again! Stassi, the OG SUR Queen Bee! She’s dressed in a flowing white dress, and in a confessional talks about how she thought maybe she blew it with Lisa last time, seeing as how she talked about stealing Lisa’s liquor and drinking on the clock, then told Lisa off. Her boobs look HUGE in this confessional, by the way. She recently took off the post-SUR weight she’d gained, but I think she looks amazing with it on. Anyway, Lisa’s called Stassi down in order to 1) chide her for being mean to Katie, and 2) invite her to the party that night.

“James’ (sic) Apartment.” He and Kristen pick out clothes for the party that he literally begged Lisa to let Kristen attend, we see via flashback. As they have conversation 1,083 about Sandoval and Miami girl, James makes Kristen promise that tonight, no matter how it goes down, will be the last of this nonsense. YES PLZ FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! But keep Kristen on the show!

SUR’s 10th Anniversary Party. Everyone helpfully arrives in order, so that all is happiness and hugs until Kristen walks in, and it is gloriously Scarlett O’Hara arriving to the party despite everyone’s hating her, right down to her red dress. She looks amazing btw. Katie confessionals that it’s kind of sad, what a huge loser Kristen is, as Kristen asks a SUR bartender if he misses her. This is his face in response:

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Ariana and Sandoval arrive, so Kristen ignores them and texts/Instagrams away, as Sandoval confessionals that it’s not a party without his number one stalker :-D

Lisa and her husband arrive with their dog, and she asks Shay if he’s knocked Scheana up yet. They’re wearing glo necklaces! Even Lisa Freaking Vanderpump enhances parties with glo jewelry! This is like one of the most validating moments of my life. 

Kristina and Stassi show up. Stassi confessionals that she hopes Jax will be predictably late and she’ll miss him. She is dressed like one of the ladies in the “Addicted to Love” video, plus a cute skirt ruffle and (DRINK!) gigantic gold necklace. Stassi, Kristen, Kristina, and some randoms cheers with shots. Scheana confessionals that Stassi needed to come because she’s unemployed and the party’s open bar. Katie says from her corner that Stassi’s so fake, and Stassi loudly says it’s so weird to see Katie being friends with Scheana. I’m digging Scheana’s fish braid! Kristina says that if Katie really cared, she’d get up and try to talk to Stassi. Wtf, Kristina? Aren’t you supposed to be Katie’s friend too?

Stassi pulls Katie aside to talk to her, while we see Jax arriving :o Lisa offers to buy him a drink, which confuses me because open bar, but I think she’s joking.

Stassi and Katie bicker some more about Katie’s ostensible betrayal. Stassi’s so frustrating. She’s clearly a smart woman, and during arguments like these will appear to soften. But then she says things like “You switched sides!” to Katie. She confessionals that it’s like Katie’s a host body for the Scheana parasite, which is awesome, but also seems like jealous projection to me. She gets up to leave, because this is “too hurtful.” Poor Katie.

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But Katie doesn’t need my stinkin’ sympathy, and confessionals in a lacy green dress that she feels bad for Stassi, because she thrives on the animosity that Katie’s learning to let go of.

Back to the party. SUR looks gorgeous. I’m not really into fancy “hot spots,” even back in my 20s when I was a 40-minute train ride to NYC, but SUR is amazing. I totally want to go when I visit California with Josh.

Anyhoo, Vail flirts with Jax while Peter watches. She saunters away, and Peter says to Jax, “No comment at this point,” and they poke their proverbial straws around the LITs that will never be Vail.

Lisa and Kristen talk and Lisa (DRINK!) looks beyond incredible, like an elegant, brunette Jessica Rabbit. Her cranberry dress is paired with a necklace that looks like I’d imagine a hummingbird trap, should such a thing exist. Lisa tells Kristen that if she was truly happy in herself, she wouldn’t care what Tom is doing — “let him go.” And that Kristen should make things right with Tom and Arianna.

Katie returns to Scheana and the gang, telling them what happened, and they call Stassi not only deluded, but also delusional.

Stassi tells Lisa that her talk with Katie didn’t go so well, just as Jax walks into the room. Stassi freaks at the sight of him and says it’s time for her to leave. Lisa admonishes her to not be a baby, but Stassi leaves anyway. Lisa confessionals that facing your problems is the only way to make them go away.

Stassi confessionals that “It’s not like SUR is the hotel in The Shining,” making this the second finale reference to evil hotels/motels. She says it’s the people who are evil. Kristina hugs her goodbye, and Stassi looks around at the place she used to rule and now can’t even be inside of, and walks home.

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Back from commercial, the gang gives us a “So long, Stassi” montage, where they say so long to her and:

her jealousy of Scheana

her tiara

her “It’s my birthday!” meltdowns

her corny statement necklaces

her trying to boss Scheana around

It ends with Jax waving bye-bye. Ouch. Personally, I hope to see Stassi again.

Back inside SUR, Kristen and Peter call Vail out on being a cocktease, as Sandoval and Jax go off to have convo 1,084 about Sandoval and the Miami girl. Jax says he never said Sandoval and Miami girl had sex, over clips of him saying exactly that. Then Kristen joins them, much to their obvious delight. Sandoval asks if Jax said he hooked up with Miami girl, and Kristen totally ups this show’s obsession with percents, as he did say that, “a million percent, multiple times.” Then we get flashbacks of Kristen’s denial of “banging Jax” when she was with Sandoval and Jax was with Stassi, before finally admitting to it. Jax yells at her that regardless of this outcome, nobody’s going to like her now! We like her, Jax. But his point is nonetheless valid. They awesomely gaze around at each other, fighting over who’s deflecting, and it’s pretty remarkable how minus Schwartz, it’s like the pool-stick scene in “The Dark Knight,” because it’s a pretty even match regarding everyone’s terribleness, at least in this particular moment.

Then Sandoval yells what might be the most quintessential line in a season full of amazing words:

“Kristen, you burn through friends like Jax burns through *bleeping* condoms!”

Kristen confessional. She finally claims to be done, and hands over the Sandoval Love Torch to Ariana. In real time, she walks away. I really want a red dress like hers. Princess Leia chain necklaces aside, I’m digging the classic yet fun and vibrant dresses this episode.

Sandoval yells at Jax some more, and says a couple of times that he doesn’t know where to go from here, but unfortunately does not burst into song like Buffy. They should SO do a musical ep of “Vanderpump Rules!”

Kristen goes up to Ariana’s table and says she’s said everything she could to both her and Sandoval, so “good luck,” and walks away as Ariana, Katie, and Lisa look mystified.

Sandoval apologizes to Ariana for all of the Kristen nonsense, and then proposes…that she move in with him. Her sweet reaction is the most open I’ve ever seen her look, and it makes me like her more. Sandoval confessionals that a year ago, his life was turned upside down by the two people he cared about most. That really does suck. He goes on to say he’s so thankful to trust someone again, and he’s never had a connection like he does with Ariana. They start to suck face and Lisa awesomely mutters, “This is awkward.” Katie confessionals that she totally (100% or a million, Katie?) is happy for Sandoval and Ariana and hopes they get married, just not before her! Then she and Lisa leave “before Ariana gets pregnant.” Sandoval and Ariana each look happier than I’ve ever seen and I’m happy for them, but thought they already lived together, so am confused.

Oooooo. Awesome pink couch with white lights going across the top. Katie joins Schwartz on it, and they have the same conversation they’ve had all season about marriage, only this time 1) Schwartz compares getting married to hiking Mount Everest, because he’s afraid of marriage just like Katie’s afraid of heights and 2) Katie gives him an ultimatum: six months to figure out what he wants. I feel for both of them; I really do. Katie confessionals that she needs to start looking at the next six months as either the beginning or the end of her and Schwartz’s relationship. In real time, Schwartz cries. In his confessional, he looks absolutely terrified at agreeing to the ultimatum. 

Lisa pours shots from a “Vanderpump”-labeled bottle. Of what I don’t know, but it’s cool regardless. Lisa seems drunk but in a charming way, and gives a weird speech about how short Jax’s porno is going to be. Then she presents a slideshow of pics from the photo shoot, as she confessionals that she has a gorgeous staff, though sometimes she wishes they were more beautiful on the inside.

Scheana confessionals that she can’t believe she’s been working at SUR for four years now. She not only married the man of her dreams, but also “cut some bitches out of (her) life.”

Of course, we can’t assume the Big Bad’s completely down for the count! Kristen rolls her eyes and mock barfs when an actually pretty hot picture of Arianna and Sandoval is shown. Scheana says there’s no need for that, and Kristen says “I give up.” She and James leave, as her voiceover drops f-bombs on Scheana, Jax, and Sandoval. Kristen says she just wants to move on with James, and it’s ABOUT TIME, Kristen. James seems super awesome and he loves you. Let yourself be happy again!

Vail looks phenomenal in a cool cut-out little black dress, beautiful hair more lovely than ever, and seems to be looking for another sex invitation from Jax, but he walks out alone into the night. The editors get an A+ for cutting between a Jax confessional where he waxes philosophical about having no regrets, and his truck in the lot getting towed.

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The gang toasts! Lisa talks about how much she loves her group of kids! And it is

~ THE END  FOR NOW ~

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