Okay, they fixed the credits. Grant Show is naked in front of the refrigerator; everyone has a new set of round-lensed sunglasses and a bodysuit under jeans. Andrew Shue looks less coked out in his action headshot. Essentially, this is the “Melrose Place” I remember.
4616! The big, white CAPS follow-up credits let us know that we shall once again be treated to “90210” guest stars, and the simple-yet-beautiful pool is seriously making me want to go swimming.
What are the odds that someone with the last name “Saldana” guest appears on this show the night after I watch “Guardians of the Galaxy?” Anyway, I guess that “Melrose Place” is going for a theme in its openings, as Allison is Goldilocksing that the coffee is too strong. Billy is wearing scrubs for some reason, in keeping with his career fluidity. Allison whines that Billy is reading her paper before her. Pipe down Allison; I could see if he was mucking up your crossword puzzle, but he’s just educating himself.
Oh nm, I think Billy’s just wearing a baggy blue V-neck. He reminds Allison that her job description does not include having sex with Bad Parking Boss, but she is still worried about getting fired.
Jake has a Bad Shower Experience, possibly uses Mane and Tail shampoo, and while clad in just a towel (DRINK!), storms over to the Mancinis’.
There are so many things to say about this scene, that it boggles the mind: Jake ACTING up a storm, pounding on the door, yelling at Michael, and doing this really intense thing with both his forehead and index finger.
Michael dressed like he’s going to work at either Staples or Target.
Amy Locane wandering down the stairs in babydoll lingerie, more Lucy from “Dracula” than ever.
Michael and Jake doing their best to turn an exchange about calling a plumber into something really tough.
Jake is sporting Peter Petrelli’s hairstyle, while Amy Locane’s low-riding, pale-blue scrunchie reminds us that she’s Still Kinda Ingenue, and once again instead of a Grant Show/Hot Blonde hookup, we get a super-boring conversation. On the plus side, Amy Locane invites him to Shooters for a free beer later.
Michael makes a cheese sandwich of some nature and the best way I can explain it is to tell you to think of any “Disgusting Food from the ‘70s” cookbook/blog, and you’ll be well on your way.
Holy crap, only four minutes in? Jane talks about a dream while putting on a jacket that looks like an umbrella from the Museum Store at Roosevelt Field. Yada yada, doomed Mancini “love” scene. Michael’s a dick, and not in the fun way yet.
Oh Lord. D&D scene; Allison stands up to BPB and says “harassment” with emphasis on the first syllable. And turns out that someone else has filed charges against BPB.
Billy’s quit Arthur Murray to get his 179th job in as many minutes, so as to drive a cab! He shows up at Allison’s job and they flirt.
Not sure what is going on here, but Amy Locane is getting rejected by someone who is not Ileana Douglas, but in that vein (a casting director?), and NotIleana says, “Boobs. All I see is cleavage.” And while Amy Locane is rocking a Kelly-Bundy-esque top and looking gorgeous as always, I literally see barely any cleavage whatsoever.
Kelly’s here to let Jake know that Erin was born. Amy Locane mocks her because bitches be jealous.
Grant Show at the unemployment office, wearing another denim shirt, but this time over a black t-shirt, rather than under a leather jacket.
Billy picks up some girl and his cab and I KNOW that I know this actress, but if I venture into the Internet right now, this blog won’t get finished until next May.
They have a conversation about LA as Billy drives and does not look at the road at all. She jumps into the front seat and tells Billy that he looks just like Springsteen, and they realize that they were both at The Boss’s concert, back in the day. “Sexual tension” ensues.
Unemployment office. Jake sticks up for the woman on line in front of him. Kelly wanders in as the clerk calls security on Jake and calls him “Punk.”
Kelly’s card is declined, as she tries to save Jake…somehow, and finds out that Jake has “priors,” as he’s lived “a colorful life.”
Billy and That Chick. They creepily try to make eating fruit into something sensual, then fall on the couch making out. Allison comes home to cockblock, but they go into his room.
Allison spackles in overalls while getting butthurt over hearing Billy’s bedroom activities. He comes out of the room and she gives him shit. And once again the show is like “Christopher Returns” from “Gilmore Girls,” as Allison sadly says, “I thought we were going to paint.”
Next morning. Billy lets Allison know he didn’t have sex with Marcy (Mercy?), and Billy calls Allison out on her jealousy. Ma/ercy eats Allison’s grapefruit, and lets everyone know that she’s a dental student. Then she and Billy make out.
Unemployment office. Jake yells at Kelly for bailing him out and says that they’re from different worlds! Kelly says that she understands him. He storms off.
Ma/ercy is lighting candles all over the place at Billy’s place. She fluffs up her hair, and is surprised/disappointed to see Allison walk through the door, not Billy. Allison is nice and a gracious host. Jk, she’s bitchy like normal. Ma/ercy calls Allison out on being possessive of Billy, especially since Billy only moved in a few days ago.
Billy comes home with groceries that awesomely include the Standard Baguette, only in plastic, updated for the ‘90s. Ma/ercy comes up to kiss him, and Billy gets rightfully creeped out by Allison’s glaring at them from the couch.
Jane, writing at her desk. Michael comes up and they argue about their dead romance.
Allison storms into their apartment to yell about Marcy — officially, thanks Allison! She says that she hates being treated like she’s not even there, which helps Jane and Michael Understand Each Other. Then Allison rudely asks if she can stay there tonight, and I’m sorry but really? If you ARE jealous, like everyone but you seems to recognize, then fine. But don’t say you’re not jealous, then try to keep yet another couple from “making love,” as you creepily keep saying. You live 10 feet away.
Meanwhile, Jane’s wearing a different Museum Store umbrella as a shirt.
Marcy over-inserts herself into Melrose Place, as they randomly all have a barbecue. Steve is there, and Amy Locane talks his ear off, referring to Charles Nelson Reilly, as the show once again keeps up to date with what the young people were into, thenadays.
Steve invites Amy Locane to “a high-school party,” but they get interrupted by Marcy who introduces herself as Billy’s “lover — (she) can say that, can’t (she)?” Steve speaks for all of humanity when he says no.
Amy Locane accosts Jake at his place, but he tells her that it’s none of her business, while she takes her normal 10 times the length of time to say sentences over any other person in the world.
Michael studies in a more aggressive way than I’ve ever seen anyone study, while Billy worries as he sees Marcy charming Rhonda and Steve. Jane comes up and gets Billy to realize that he does not at all love Marcy. He vents to Allison, who calls Marcy aggressive.
Billy has a random fantasy involving Dr. Ruth and Marcy dressed like a Backstreet Boy.
Nighttime. Michael tries to fix the plumbing, as Jake comes home and saves the day. They have a really long and boring conversation about relationships, then Jane comes out and passive aggressively says “Good night.” Michael sits there holding his tool and looks thoughtful.
Billy watches a science show about spiders, realizing that he’s dating a black widow. Marcy tells him, “I think I love you,” and talks about blowing off school.
Next morning. Allison once again acts as though Billy’s her husband, and he comes out of the shower with his hair slicked back into an even more intense mullet than usual. He and Allison have some more back and forth regarding their relationshipnotrelationship.
The “90210” kids! While I know that Steve and Kelly are both also there, all I can see is Donna’s tangerine and purple ensemble. Jake rides up on his motorcycle, and gives Kelly $200 to go away. She throws it back at him, and he gets right back on his motorcycle, as slow jam music plays in the background.
Shooters! Billy walks in dressed like (Where’s?) Waldo, says “I’ll have what he’s having,” buys Jake a beer, and seeks relationship advice. Amy Locane is bartending. Jake finally asks her out (relatively) properly, but she rather awesomely turns him down, saying she has way too much respect for herself to be someone’s second choice.
Oh boy. It’s a Billy/Marcy scene, as she sidles up to him in a bright cherry-red ensemble like no one did better than an Aaron Spelling cast member. But he says “We need to talk. REALLY talk!” And you can probably fill in the rest of the blanks. Hopefully, because I’m not in the mood.
Jane/Michael scene (and I just now realized the “Mary Poppins” shoutout there). Michael is working at his desk in a room that’s really messing with my head, like it was either a used bookstore or some forgotten crawl space room in my godmother’s house — anyone’s guess, but it’s freaking me out, yet keeps me blissfully distracted from this boring-ass scene. When does Sydney get here, again?!
On the positive side, I will say that it’s entirely possible that Josie Bissett is the only person in the universe who could look quite so lovely in a baggy lavender sweatshirt.
Jake pounding on Kelly’s door…somewhere? Her hotel? Her room number is 59, in a shoutout to Josh. He apologizes for how he’s treated her, and both actors do some IMO really nice work in this short but sweet scene.
Billy and Allison paint, and talk about the demise of his three-day relationship with Marcy. Then the show ends with a pan out from the window, as if it were a scene of Angelus stalking the Summers house in Season 2 of “Buffy.”
~ THE END ~