5 Reasons to Watch “The O.C.”

Posted on May 18, 2013 by

As y’all know, being topical is my number-one priority, and today is no exception, for this is no repost! I’ve been rewatching the series with Josh, and have to say that I love it more than ever. I totally expected to loathe this show, yet fell in love with it instead. While it dipped in S2 and 3, it was still entertaining and beyond palatable on DVD, and S1 and 4 ROCK.

So I recommend this show with two thumbs up, and here is why!

1) The Cast

Surprise, I know! It always goes back to the cast, for me. This is how I know about the Gulden’s mustard campaign starring Cindy Crawford from “Picture Perfect.” Anyway, I’ve written about Peter Gallagher’s Sandy before, but the entire cast is pretty amazing. Mischa Barton’s Marissa could be hit or miss, but I’m one of her apologists because she had some amazing moments and I relate to her mood swings and love for wounded men.

Also, Summer loved Marissa, and that is good enough for me, because Rachel Bilson’s Summer is one of my all-time favorite characters, and my favorite on the show, which is saying a lot. Josh said earlier that she is the most dynamic one on the show in terms of character development, and I couldn’t agree more. I think it’s cool that she was only supposed to be on for a handful of episodes, but was so beloved and wonderful that she became part of the core cast.

^^^ Plus! Little Miss Vixen ftw! ^^^

I’m sure you’ve all heard about Adam Brody’s success, and the ensuing backlash. And while I appreciate the hipsterism of not wanting geek to go mainstream, I think Brody’s Seth was an awesome character, and that he was awesome in the role. He was funny, self-deprecating, and I think helped usher in a new wave of television, because sometimes the people with the money need to see the money to know that someone is worth putting on screen. Do you know what I mean? Also I think that Adam Brody did some damn-fine acting on “The O.C.”

Ben McKenzie’s Ryan is great. From an acting standpoint, I think he got one of the more thankless roles, because when he’s not punching people, he mainly plays the straight man, but Ben IMO develops so much as an actor over “The O.C.’s” four seasons, and got a more….thankful…bit of meat to chew on in Season Four, and knocks it out of the park.

“I always had a soft spot for Taylor Townsend,” one of my friends commented recently and WHO CAN BLAME HIM because Autumn Reeser’s Taylor shows up like a firework, and singlehandedly improves the show with her presence. I literally and fittingly started clapping and cheering when she appeared on my television in the S3 DVDs that Josh so kindly bought for us.

There are many other “Youngs” that were so awesome – Luke, a character that I never stopped missing when he left the show to go be on “Smallville,” Alex, my personal ‘ship for Marissa. Anna, who is an awesome part of one of my favorite scenes on the show (Wonder Woman versus comic artist!). The fabulous Trey and Volchok, great Ostensible Villains With Hearts. Caitlin, who must have had so much fun playing that role, and who gets better and better the more she works with the cast around her. Even Johnny and Chili and “Freaks and Geeks” Maureen, though I did not so much enjoy that whole storyline, were good in their roles. Same thing with Zach. The list goes on.

I do not remember whether it was Danny Drennan or Tara Ariano who coined the phrase “The Olds,” in relation to “Beverly Hills 90210,” but it is an awesome way of describing the parents et al., who star in a teen soap yet are not teens. I say this as someone who’s troublingly more in this age bracket than The Youngs, here in 2013. But the gist from the term “The Olds” is that adults are boring, especially when you have pretty teenagers (albeit in their 20s) going to high school in California.

However, The Olds on “The O.C.” are pretty freaking awesome. Alan Howe’s Caleb Nichol (RIP) was the oldest, and instead of being one of those dudes in a blue suit from ‘70s movies, was more slick, “Game of Thrones” meets “Sopranos” patriarch.

Kelly Rowan’s Kirsten, like Ryan, got an often-thankless role, but is perfect in every single scene that she is ever in, and her relationship with Ryan is one of my favorites on the show.

Melinda Clarke’s Julie Cooper is – where to begin. First of all, that woman does not look like a real human person so much as an a feline anime queen, and I mean that as a total compliment. I. Freaking. LOVE Julie Cooper. It’s funny watching the series with Josh because these people show up behaving reprehensibly and I’m all SQUEE because I know how awesome they become, like Taylor and Julie. The evolution of Julie Cooper is reason enough to watch this show. And rewatching the show now is going to finally get me to break down and watch “Vampire Diaries,” because I need my Melinda Clarke fix.

And again, there are many other Olds on the show who I think are great. I have a heart for poor downtrodden Jimmy Cooper, and really liked Hayley, though she’s sort of in between the two age groups, as far as the show goes.

Anyway you get my point: Good Cast, so let’s move on!

2) The Music

I think it’s really cool that Deathcab for Cutie found greater success because of “The O.C.” heavily featuring them, and that it was because Adam Brody loved the band so much, kind of like Moldy Peaches in “Juno.” While I actually knew and loved Deathcab before “The O.C.,” they used their music so well that it helped seal them into my musical soul.

I didn’t think Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” could ever mean more to me, until “The O.C.” showed me that it could. Same with Mazzy Starr’s “Into Dust.” “The O.C.” also does an amazing job at featuring awesome covers used really well, from Jem’s “Amazed” to whoever covered a Radiohead song in the last ep we watched (I did not know this; Josh told me). To…something I will discuss in a later bullet point! Also, I was introduced to a lot of awesome new songs, thanks to this show.

The score on this show is either underlying and not noticeable, or it reminds me of Christophe Beck who scored “Buffy” S1-4. Both of these are good things. Even the earworm that is Phantom Planet’s “O.C.” theme song is perfect. I like also that the times this show uses older music (covers notwithstanding) are few, far between, and fitting.

3) The OCD-Level Meta

Back in the day, I wrote a blog wherein I complained about the heavy meta of this show. Upon rewatch, I can understand my former PoV, but especially now with the perspective of having seen the entire series, I find the meta kind of charming, often impressive, and usually comforting.

And then there are things like how – I don’t want to be overly spoilery, so I will just say it was cool how S1 featured “Hallelujah” in the finale after using it in “The Model Home,” then in S2’s finale featured Imogen Heap’s “Hide and Seek,” then in the S3 finale used Imogen Heap covering “Hallelujah.” Shit like that brings me great joy. Today’s S4 ep usage of an “Into Dust” cover reminded me of just how clever the show can be. I also like all of their references to other teen/women soaps, such as when Dr. Roberts went to work at Seattle Grace, and the time when someone in the background had a sign saying “Marissa Cooper Graduates.” The list of these shoutouts goes on and on and on, and it pleases me to wonder how many are flying right over my head.


4) My Boyfriend Likes It

Josh is insanely accommodating to my ridiculousness at large. He Netflixed S1 of “The O.C.” because he knew how much I wanted to watch it again. And while I know that he would have humored my desire to watch it with him, it’s always fun to see him get into a show that I like, especially one that could be conceived as girly. He gets a lot of the Seth references about comics, video games, music, and cinema, and hearing him expand on them makes me feel cooler by proxy. Watching it with him has brought not only many a guffaw from me due to Josh’s snarkiness, but also much deeper insight into the characters, including California itself.

5) How They Pulled It Together

TWoP’s summation of this show has always broken my heart a little bit, because it’s spot on, and also true to my experience as a viewer. They said that “The O.C.” started feeling stale in S2 after “a stellar first season,” and that “a strong fourth season wasn’t enough to undo the damage.”

Fair ‘nuff. I wrote rant-y blogs during S2 and S3, and fell out of touch somewhere during S3, due in equal parts to my frustration with the show, and round-the-clock work hours with no DVR.

So I only saw S4 for the first time a few years ago, and man, does it rock. I actually loved rewatching S2 and 3 and as I mentioned before, I don’t hate Marissa like many people do. So I love the entire show, but S4 rivals S1 in terms of greatness. Honestly, I don’t know which season I like better, but 4 has the competitive advantage of the built-up story history and developed characters. The ep we watched today was the last Chrismukkah episode of the series, and that made me very emotional! Then very pleased, as I did not remember much of the episode whatsoever. While I have an insane television memory, as with most things, I need repeated viewings for an ep to stick in my brain. It’s fun seeing “new” “O.C.s.” All of the solidest actors are still doing their thing (Sandy, Kirsten, Julie, Seth), while The (other) Youngs kick ass, now awesome actors in their own right. The presence of Taylor alone makes the show 200% more fantastic, as well.

I don’t remember much about the series finale save for one detail, but I do remember that it was absolutely fabulous. Though I will sob at saying goodbye to this show again, I’m looking forward to it all the same.

Posted in AcTING!, Celebrities, Entertainment, Lists, Miscellaneous, Romance, Superheroes/Villains, TV, Video Games, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Closer to Free

Posted on May 7, 2013 by

I was talking with my friend Jen at work the other day, and “Party of Five” came up. As it does. She was saying, “I think that was my first…” and couldn’t find the words but then did, and as it turns out, we both have very similar television histories, which makes sense that we have so much TV love in common now!

But yeah for all of my endless lists and words about television, I’ve written very little about “Party of Five,” and that was my first show, aside from sitcoms and “Degrassi.” It was when I knew even at 19, that the television landscape was changing for the better. Po5 begat the entire CW, basically. “My So-Called Life” was also airing at the same time but much to my and Hurl’s chagrin, I did not watch it at the time. In sociological retrospect, I think those two shows actually worked in tandem to lead in a huge wave of shows about teenage angst. Which as y’all know, is my favorite genre.

Anyway. I remember watching “Party of Five” in the spare room of my parents’ house. The room was on the third floor, and full of mysteries and coziness. Plus it’s always exotic to shack up in a room that’s not your bedroom, when you’re young. And get this, I watched it on a teeny black and white TV! I knew I officially loved “Party of Five” when I actually battled the rabbit ears to get my show to come in.

Basically, “Party of Five” is the first show that I actually fell in love with. Yeah, I slept around with shows, and let us all bow our heads to “Just the Ten of Us,” but “Party of Five” was the first show where I felt like, whoa. I cared about those people. I thought about them when they weren’t around. Most of all, it was the first show that really made me think.

In one particular ep, Kirsten whom I loved (“Kirsten, you’re…here!” TM Dave), was talking to – I forget, actually. One of The Five, but not Charlie her boyfriend. She was being all maternal with Charlie’s kids he inherited out of the blue. And one of those kids was asking her what religion she was.

Kirsten gently explained that she was agnostic. I think the kid she was talking to was searching for hope, in the wake of the loss of the parents. That death didn’t mean an eternal separation. And Kirsten said that she didn’t know, follow a religion, have any answers. But that she believed in an overriding power that was good, and benevolent.

That there was hope, beyond this Earth.

I remember telling my boyfriend at the time, who was a Pentecostal Christian like me, how I really liked this show because it was so open-minded. He replied, albeit also gently, that maybe it was too open-minded.

I think it was then that I started questioning why Christians are taught to close their minds. I know that it’s to not let the devil in, but I also know that I spent my teenage years sheltered, shunning the world, and when I was forced to leave the loved cocoon of my Christian school, it was terrifying. Josh and I are (fittingly) rewatching “The O.C.,” and basically when I went to college, I felt like Marissa Cooper at Newport Union.

So I was looking for answers. “Party of Five” is the predecessor to my television obsession, because it was the first show that made me feel like South Shore Christian School did – safe. Cozy.

And constantly questioning authority, and the world at large. Maybe it was too open-minded. Maybe if I’d never been ushered into shows like this, I’d be much happier now. Married with kids, and full of faith. Which is all I ever actually wanted from this life.

But it’s not my life. And now I’m kind of agnostic. But I still hang onto the mustard seed. Yesterday I met someone at Josh’s work party who’d had some hard times, but lit up when he said he started going to church. He wasn’t young and he wasn’t dumb. I definitely disagree with the sentiment that believing in God is anti-intellectual.

But I will never regret having the experience in my parents’ third-floor room, where on a tiny TV, “Party of Five” opened my mind, and changed my life forever.

Posted in Childhood, Entertainment, Miscellaneous, Supernatural :o, TV, Women | Tagged , , , , | 10 Comments

The Finish Line

Posted on April 26, 2013 by

In 2004, after the ex left, one big thing that kept me going and even got me excited (owww!) was “Survivor: All Stars.” Not only had one of my favorite shows returned, but damn if Rob Mariano wasn’t a total rock star. He was like a villain, but/therefore my hero. Slicing and dicing the competition, tearing up the challenges like it was nothing. But what impressed me the most was his ownership of the fact that this was a game that required lying and manipulating, if you want to get to the end. He at one point had an “alliance” with every player in the game for Final Two! But the person he chose to align with for real was Amber Brkich. He didn’t lie to her, and they played together. Back to back, like Wolverine and Liev Schreiber.

Obviously I decided it was time to try and get on “Survivor.” I was inspired. Thing was, I knew I could handle starving, eating disgusting stuff, and all the other awfulness that comes with the territory. But I didn’t know if I could strategize. I hate lying, but knew full well that was a huge part of the game.

So when I got a random invitation from a stranger on AIM to play an online game of “Survivor,” I was in. Strategy could be learned before I had to starve and get eaten by bugs!

The first night, our tribe met in a chat room, and right away, I met a guy named Adam who was awesome. He lived in Nebraska and was mad cool and really smart. And unlike the flashy dude in our tribe who (I’ll call him Joe) was making a strong but obvious alliance, Adam knew how to play the game. As, it was turning out to my pleasant surprise, did I. We quickly were like, “I’ve got a good vibe about you,” and decided to try to win this!

I didn’t really care about first place so much. I cared about getting to Final Two, because that was the most complete game experience (this was pre-Final Three, a “Survivor” decision with which I humbly do not agree). And I knew I wanted to have one person I liked, and trusted not just to not backstab me, but also to play strategically, and just be good company in a game where you can’t really trust anyone. Reality News Online has a set of rules to play the game that I followed to the letter, except that you’re supposed to take the person to Final Two that you have the best chance of beating. I decided that a) I didn’t want to lie to Adam, and b) figuring out how to backstab Adam in order to take a weaker player to Final Two was a moot point if I never got there. Lex’s advice in the Santa Cruz Sentinel stuck with me, beef with Rob notwithstanding.

And the only way I could make it there was to have one person in the game that I would never lie to, that I would play with, not against. If we got to three and I won the immunity challenge, I would still take him, even though that might be me asking for second place, and earning a spot in the RNO Hall of Shame.

I was majorly inspired by Rob Mariano’s game play. I loved his balls-out approach and aggressiveness, and told Adam I had no problem drawing the fire (a la Faith in “Revelations”) and being the bad cop in order to help us get to Final Two. The power alliance had numbers, and the leader of that alliance, Joe, asked me to join. So I said yes, because you don’t ever refuse an alliance, and this way I could be a mole! I made a real alliance outside of that one, and waited for the right time to turn on the fake one, knowing that if Adam sold me out, I was screwed and gone.

He (Adam) didn’t. When the tribes got shuffled, Adam was in a minority among the power alliance, and Joe (also shuffled to Adam’s trib) did not like him. Intuition or pettiness I don’t know, but when Joe came to me and said they were voting Adam out, I was not down, and had to convince Joe that Adam was too strong, and we needed him to be a fifth down the line, and to sit tight and vote out someone not from our original tribe.

While I worked for Adam, he was working for me. I was in the minority on my new tribe, and he was friendly with his new tribe’s leader whom I’ll call Mike. Adam worked with Mike to keep me. It wasn’t hard to do, as Mike totally thought I was a sweet girl in need of protection, and he seemed like a person who thinks the bigger the boobs, the lower the IQ. Perfect, my bread and butter. He protected me from the vote, and there were talks to bring Adam and me into his alliance when we all merged.

So when we did merge, Adam and I voted him out! It was glorious. By that point, he’d revealed himself to be cocky and controlling with a zesty dash of misogyny thrown in, so we blindsided him. He was SO MAD. It was awesome. And showed he didn’t really get the game. You can’t treat people like property and assume they are there to support your own game. Fatal “Survivor” mistake!

Once the leader was gone and we had the numbers, Adam and I voted out everyone not in our real or my fake alliance. This is where I knew things would get ugly. But bottom line is, it was either Joe, the leader of my fake alliance, or Adam. Even if I weren’t loyal to Adam, I knew I was a fourth at best in my fake alliance. It never ceases to amaze me, how many people expect someone to be happy with being fourth or fifth, and just accept it and bow down to the majesty of the king and his court. The Rotu Four debacle was 11 years ago!

And yet.

So we voted Joe out, and slowly but surely, creeped to the finish line. People got pissed and butthurt, and one lady blocked me from AIM after getting voted out despite the fact that she was from an opposing tribe that, had they played a better game, would have voted me out as well.

No vote was really hard for me until we were at four. I liked the two guys besides Adam very much. One I knew for sure could beat me at two because the jury was mostly his alliance, but I cared about him and felt bad voting him out at four.

But there is no TIME for sad feelings in “Survivor!” Good thing I had made a promise to Adam. We stuck with the plan and got to three. Our main goal was to make sure the third guy didn’t win, rather than to compete with each other.

I lost the challenge. Good in a way, because now I didn’t have to vote out the third guy anyway. Bad because my fate was out of my hands now.

But Adam’s and my alliance was so strong that he took me, even though he had a better chance to beat the other guy than me. I was happy that I never once considered dropping our alliance, that my step of faith had fallen on such solid ground.

In the end, much to my true shock, I won the game. I thought more people would be too mad at me for voting them out since Adam and I had done the good cop/bad cop routine. But people seemed to respect that I played so obnoxiously and that if we’d become friends online, it was because we met playing a game about backstabbing each other, and you can’t really get mad if you get taken out first without being a hypocrite. Two people who did not vote for me to win? Joe and Mike. It was amazing. Mike managed to simultaneously think his ouster was my fault, yet he said Adam did all the work in the game. Heh.

But the bottom line is, I would never have won, or probably even made final four, never mind two, if I hadn’t played the game with Adam. We helped each other, realizing in a game that could only have one winner, we might as well team up and work together to get to the end.

Meanwhile over on real “Survivor,” Rob and Amber did get to Final Two together, but too many people felt betrayed by Rob, and Amber won, but then they got married so it was literally win-win!

This past season on “Survivor,” J.T. and Stephen pulled off some incredible work together, and were both vocal about playing to get each other to the end. There could only be one winner, but until then, they were a unit.

I was proud to have won my online game, but would seriously have taken just as much from that experience if Adam beat me in a unanimous vote. During a time when I was really having trouble believing that two people could stick together and be loyal in any way, I got to watch an incredibly dynamic couple form before my eyes on national television, kick ALL kinds of ass, and march their way to the finish line — together. That gave me hope, and it taught me a lot about balancing levels of trust. And a real model on how to recognize the people who want you to fall in line out of loyalty, but would vote you out if it served their purposes. In the game, and in life. Adam’s and my relationship was strictly platonic and businesslike, so we did not get married on the Internet like Rob and Amber did on a CBS special, but our alliance, that whole experience, gave me joy that kept me going until times got better. And mostly it showed me that I don’t need to focus on and control everything around me to do well. I just need to play with someone I like.

Posted in Miscellaneous, TV | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Airplanes

Posted on April 22, 2013 by

I grew up where throwing rocks in canyons is not allowed

I grew up where growing up makes me awkward and proud

I grew up where it was a difficult drive to the airport

And I hope you have a good ride

‘Cause my mother, you know, she doesn’t like to fly

~ Lisa Loeb

I’ve been on airplanes since I was a baby. The Southeast states had been checked off my bucket list since before I could formulate sentences.

See, my grandfather on my dad’s side was a meteorologist for American Airplanes, so for my entire childhood, flying was not a deep drain on my parents’ finances, because we got insanely cheap tickets, so long as we were cool with flying standby. Also, my dad always said, and I agreed with him: why get an expensive car or a fancy house, if you could put that money into travel?

So I spent my childhood exploring 43 of the 50 states, and it was amazing. But my point today is about the flight aspect. I loved flying, when I was little. One of my favorite memories is the time I was on a particularly empty and big plane, and “Two of a Kind” was the movie du jour. I was eight, crawling all around the plane, getting to know the different spaces. It felt magical. (AHHHH!!!!)

Most times as a kid, there wasn’t the option to crawl around the plane, but my parents always gave me the window seat when they could. I loved watching the ground get more distant, the cars turn into ants, going up into the clouds, until even the clouds were a distant memory, because now everything was simply blue.

I’m not sure when I developed an extreme fear of flying, the experience I loved so much as a kid, but it happened in my twenties. It would make sense if it happened after the long flight home from Rome after my family’s cruise in 2001, two weeks before September 11th, but that wasn’t it, either. Because on said cruise, you know how you sit with random people every night for dinner? One awesome guy at our table talked about how he flew for business all the time, and hated it.

So do I, awesome man, I thought at the time.

He said that he’d take a Benadryl and sip a glass of red wine until he passed out.

Solid plan, awesome man, I thought. And I followed it, on the long plane ride home from Rome.

So it wasn’t September 11th, that instilled my fear of flying. It wasn’t “LOST,” because that was years later. “Castaway” may or may not have fed into the fear, but I don’t think that’s it either.

I think my fear of flying simply tied into my fear of life. My fear of post-highschool, post-college, post-track that’s supposed to take you where you’re meant to be.  Hence the nightmares.

Because then, there were the nightmares of ’08. After 9/11, after “LOST” or at least the first, plane-crash-heavy season. There was nary a night that passed, where I didn’t explode, on a plane. Every time, I was filled with regret, because I’d known better than to get on a plane, to begin with.

And fear feeds on itself. My fear of flying developed into a full-on phobia. Xanax helped me on my flight back home after visiting my family in Colorado in ’09 because Xanax makes everything better, but then Xanax made me crazy because everything should not be better, all the time, and the withdrawal from it made me borderline suicidal. <<< Insert Big Pharma versus weed rant here.

For a year, I knew that my cousin was getting married in upstate New York. I got a beautiful Save the Date, and I wanted to – save that date. I’ve been applying to work in my field since I moved to Colorado, and with two interviews within a month, I neglected mailing back the RSVP to the official invitation, because I knew I wouldn’t have the money, without a solid desk job.

Then I was on the phone with my mother, and she mentioned going to Sammy’s wedding.

“You’re going? I’m SO JEALOUS!” I said, and then my mother offered to fly me out there and be my date to the wedding.

Fly me out there.

I’d been so consumed by the monetary aspect, that the plane aspect didn’t hit me till then. Still, I wanted to go to my cousin’s wedding – see her get married, see my family. See my friends. The plane to New York meant seeing most of the people that I’ve ever loved, in my life, because my mother planned to stay on Long Island a night or two, as well.

But man, was I skurred to the extreme. I hadn’t been on a plane for years, yet I still had the nightmares. By that time, not every night. But recurringly, and it was never not-terrifying.

I honestly don’t even really remember the first couple of flights with my mother, during that trip. Up to the day before, I had panic attacks and told Josh: “I can’t do it. I can’t go. Something terrible is going to happen to my plane. I just know this, in my gut.”

“Paranoia will destroy ya.” ~ Rupert

So I went anyway. Mostly, I passed myself out with Nyquil. There was the flight to JFK – passed out. There was, after an amazing whirlwind of New York days, a flight to Baltimore.

At which point, we had a bit of time, and after walking up and down the food area of the pretty-awesome airport, my mother was totally psyched to get wine, so we returned to the nicest place in the airport. It had a beautiful view; Moms and I got Chardonnay – things were nice. I even ate some crab cake, which I never eat anymore. It just felt right, in that moment. My mother and I had had a bitchy fight earlier that day, and both of us regretted it pretty instantly, and what better way to exude that sentiment, than over white wine and crab cakes during a layover?

It was awesome. I only had a glass, so was not drunk, just nice.

I didn’t take Nyquil before that flight. When my mother and I boarded that plane, I felt okay.

“When I’m with you, I feel like I could die, and that would be all right.” ~ Third Eye Blind

I felt like that. Psyched to get back home to Josh, Manitou, and Colorado overall, but okay. I’d had the day with my mother like I’d been missing since she moved away in 2008.

Which makes sense, timewise.

That day, there was no jumbo-jet gracing me with Olivia Newton-John’s presence. There wasn’t even my dad and brother (this was pre-future siblings!), on that plane. Just my mom.

Who still gave me the window seat. And unlike the past couple of flights, I watched this time. As the world moved up, up, and away. My heart didn’t run into a panic attack, this time. I just watched. As the cars turned into ants, going up into the clouds, until even the clouds were a distant memory, because now everything was simply blue.

“And that’s how I choose to remember it.” ~ Jenny

Posted in Childhood, Dreams, Driving & Other Transportation, Family, Miscellaneous, Restaurants, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Candle

Posted on April 15, 2013 by

When I was young, there was pretty much no place I loved quite as much as Lake George, New York.

I grew up pretty poor. To be fair, my parents were living the American Dream while it still existed, and there was always that hope, that one day, I would not be steeped in poverty, by extension. My dad was in law school; my mother had insane computer skills; it was all good.

So there was that. And there was also my mom’s parents’ amazing summer home. They’d give it to any and every one of their six kids, to use as a vacation place. I don’t know where my grandparents used to go in the summer while they still lived in New York, but they went…there. And left behind an immaculately clean cabin-y place, full of squash, whimsical refrigerator quotes, and Freihofer’s cookies that rock Entenmann’s out of the park.

While I loved the weeks that my family got the Lake George place, my favorite times there were the ones that had my grandparents staying there, as well. Hence, aforementioned squash.

In September 1987, the summer season had ended, and it was unusual for my family to be there. Not sure if this was during the time when my grandparents would migrate like birds to Florida, but it was definitely off season. People in the town had cleared out; that one ice-cream place was never open, and my Pop-Pop had put away his boat & gear for the winter.

Yet my mother, Robb, and I were there, because my dad was on a business trip literally across the lake.

It was only a few months ago that my mother lost the plane tickets to get back home from our Washington/Oregon vacation, and we accidentally ended up in San Francisco, which was awesome. A lone experience, that introduced me to an amazing city.

I wore the San Francisco sweatshirt I got there, when I was in Lake George during that random time. It was weird to be wearing a sweatshirt at a place that I associated with Miracle Whip and bathing suuts.

So things were autumn-y, and things were cozy, even with my grandparents at the helm of a place that I associated with other authority, including my own. Honestly, “this day by the lake went too fast,” and I wanted to stay there forever, with my Nanny and my Pop-Pop, and the Miracle Whip, and the squash.

There was one night, during aforementioned time, when we were all just chilling. It was cold outside, and time to watch TV. My grandparents’ Lake George TV was approximately 13 inches, and its rabbit ears relied on the world at large.

One night, the signal allowed the magic of “Who’s the Boss.” For all who haven’t been keeping score at home, backstory: I had the most major girl crush on Alyssa Milano/Samantha Micelli. I thought she was perfect; the guy I had a huge crush on felt the same. It was 1987.

So my grandparents, mother, and brother coddled my love for “Who’s the Boss,” and we watched it on the little TV.

During the ep, I conveyed to Nanny and Pop-Pop, that this was the deal for 12-year-olds in 1987. Alyssa Milano was an ultimate goddess.

My grandfather, who was so not about the flashy compliments, settled back into his chair. Pop-Pop watched “Who’s the Boss” and said to me in his Kentucky drawl:

“Judith, she doesn’t hold a candle to you.”

And I believed then, and I believe now, that he meant it.

And that meant everything, to me.

Pre-home perm, pre-zits, pre-all of the bullcrap that saddles most adolescent girls, I had the most amazing man – the one who did Pike’s Peak marathon – tell me that I was prettier than Alyssa Milano.

And I will never forget that moment.

 

Posted in Body Image, Celebrities, Childhood, Entertainment, Family, Miscellaneous, TV, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 23: Devil In the Flesh :o

Posted on April 9, 2013 by

So the other morning, I had off and could not sleep, and decided to watch some TV. Only there wasn’t anything on that I wanted to watch, so I wandered through the On Demand channel. The last time I’d checked LMN free movies on demand, I was struck by the gloriousness of such an option, but there wasn’t anything that I really wanted to watch, much less ICMN. However, this day was different, for guess what was “NEW!” but “Devil In the Flesh.” Several years ago, this came on Lifetime when I was alone in my Levittown apartment, and I was immediately hooked. Though this movie was not originally a Lifetime movie, it has pretty much everything one can hope for in a film that airs on that channel – high school, over-the-top shenanigans, and one of my favorite actresses, Rose McGowan. I adore that woman. She doesn’t usually do the most serious stuff, and IMO, that makes her cooler, because she plays the unapologetic vixen with aplomb. If another actress were cast in the lead…well, I’d likely still watch it, but can’t imagine it being as enjoyable. So with no further adieu:

Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night 23: Devil In the Flesh

null
This movie opens with 27 hours of Rose, staring into the distance, until we see that she is staring at a fire.

With that out of the way, here is the requisite pair of detectives. Their thing is that they quiz each other on words, both spelling and definition. They are joined by a blonde cop in shades, who speculates that the fire may have been arson. A knife is found in the rubble of the fire.

Rose is driven in a car by the child-services lady, who is taking Rose to live with her grandma. Rose said that her mom hated Grandma, and CSL looks concerned.

Cut to a televangelist talking about how Satan is behind sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. Grandma is watching it, then answers the door to greet CSL and Rose. Long story short, Grandma is basically Carrie’s mom in Carrie.

Rose goes upstairs to her bedroom in a shot that looks like “Anne of Green Gables.” She makes a thousand different faces and looks at her room, which was her mom’s old bedroom. Then she goes downstairs and asks Grandma if she can go shopping. But no! She can wear her mom’s old clothes. Rose says I can’t wear those! And is told that as long as she is in Grandma’s house, she will wear what she is told to wear!

Cut to Rose sleeping in the dark. Grandma wakes her up to clean the attic. “Idle hands do the devil’s work!” So Rose dicks around in the attic for a little while and finds a shotgun.

Schooltime. Jocks in a Jeep across from Grandma’s house heckle Rose: “Nice dress!” and I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a dorky dress, but I like it – it’s a plain gray jumper with big buttons and a black tee.

School hallway. Rose tries to open her locker and the Lead Douche Jock comes over and gives her a hard time until a teacher pushes him up against a locker, giving Rose a creepy smile. He tells Douche Jock to go away, then when he can’t open the locker himself, he punches it open and Rose falls in love.

“Cute, huh?” says a girl who’s witnessed the exchange and is like a teenier (in size, not age) replica of the girl from “Brady Bunch Movie” who is in love with Marcia. “You better put your tongue back in your mouth; he’s way too old for you,” and she should know, because she is 32. Rose is not hearing it, because she is 27, herself.

The girl’s name is Janie, and she tries to make friends with Rose, but Rose only wants to discuss the teacher whom I shall dub Ezra Fitz. He fittingly teaches Creative Writing.

After school, Janie runs up to Rose again for some reason and they see some jocks, this time led by a dude named Todd who according to Ezra, doesn’t apply himself. Ezra bets Todd that if Ezra loses this b-ball matchup, he’ll give Todd an A in his class. But if Todd loses, he has to apply himself.

null

They play, and of course, Todd loses. To be fair, this scene, and Ezra’s moral of the story bet would be pretty cool, were it not for the fact that he’s totally all over the attention of Rose and also…

… “Mee-gan,” pronounced thusly, who I think it’s alluded to is the Queen Bee, and is threatened by Rose’s newfound position in the school, ‘cause of her sexuality and stuff. She delivers a line eerily close to Stacey Dash’s “Clueless” delivery and bitchface eerily close to Jaime Pressly.
null

There is NO TIME for Ezra to catch some action off of the enamored teens however, because here is a gloriously generic Blonde Girlfriend Of Men Not Boys, here to pick up Ezra whilst wearing a sundress. Rose is all glaring, and Janie goes: “He’s madly in love with her.” Naturally, Rose responds with: “Take me shopping.”

So Rose and Janie go shopping, and in keeping with the ICM theme, Rose steals a bunch of stuff.

More detectives and their spelling bee. They ask an autopsy guy, who actually seems like a pretty decent actor, if there is a chance that either fire victim could have been stabbed.

Now that their day of impromptu basketball games and retail thievery has ended, Rose and Jamie take the time to park on the Hollywood Hills. Rose pops open some champagne, and I have no idea where she got this champagne, like I’m not surprised that Rose would have random hooch on her person at all times, but when did she acquire this big-ass bottle of champagne?

No time to wonder, because Rose pulls out not only the skirt she’s stolen for herself, but a matching one for Janie and SPOILER ALERT; both the gun and the skirt from the first act, go off in the third. Anyway, for some reason, Janie is SHOCKED that Rose has stolen the skirt(s), and tells Rose, “You’re bad.” Rose replies, “In a good way.” With that scintillating dialogue out of the way, they cheers to “friends” and lie down on the car. Those watching the movie at home in hopes of Sapphic action are sorely disappointed when nothing happens, because now…

…Rose goes home! Grandma is super nice and has made cookies. Rose is enamored and showing her Soft Side Despite Things. Until! She sees the ghost of her mother and her mother’s boyfriend, still all burnt up from the fire. But lo! Rose wakes up; that was all a dream, and she is all: “My grandma’s gonna kill me.”

So Rose goes home for realz, and Grandma freaks out. Rose says that it’s only 8 o’clock, but Grandma is mad about the attic. In so many ways, this movie is like, just on the cusp of being an interesting sociological study, like the idea that this woman, albeit Carrie’s mom caricature-crazy, thinks that the arrival of a minor in her home equates to having an indentured servant versus the idea that kids should know how to do chores, and Rose obviously needs some “structure and fucking discipline” TM “American Beauty’s” Jane.

But instead, this movie keeps going for the ridiculous cartoon aspect (not that I’m complaining), and Grandma SLAPS Rose in the face and says that Rose won’t turn into a foul-mouthed tramp like her mother! Tomorrow? Rose is going to clean the garage AND the attic, while I wonder about the order of those two words and ensuing inflection by Grandma who, for all of her over-the-top Carrie’s momness, is actually a decently scary actress.

New day. Rose is walking to school, strips off her hoodie, and transforms into Stephanie Kaye.

Then she walks down the school hallway and people stare. How many actresses can compete with Rose McGowan for “hot-as-hell chick walks down a high school hallway and everyone stares” scenes? I can only think of this and “Jawbreaker” off the top of my head, but that is two more scenes than I’ve ever had on the books, and I can’t actually think of any other movie (not TV) actress with such an impressive repertoire, as far as these things go.

The next scene is part of why the end of the movie is so maddening. Because Rose walks in, clad in the stolen skirt from aforementioned scene, and a black top that looks like a bikini from 1960s Archie comics. She hands Ezra an apple, and then Ezra goes to write on the board and actually says under his breath, “Oh…MY…,” as he puts his sexual tension into the chalk.
null
And I’m sorry but like, YES, Rose McGowan is insanely hot. Totally. However, I had a friend back in the day who was also not a douche, but/so he said self deprecatingly that he could never teach high school, only college, because he is only human, and sometimes teenage women are pretty scorching – Rose is a case in point.

So like? If you know as a dude that you might get tempted by the young ladies who look like not-so-young ladies? Don’t become a high school teacher. BAM! Problem solved. While Rose (SPOILER ALERT) is pretty psycho, I find Ezra to be alarmingly unsympathetic. This is early in the game, and dude’s not even trying to tame his creepy erection.

SO ANYWAY. Mee-gan hands out assignments, because Ezra only acknowledges his hot students, whether they be male or female, and Mee-gan throws Rose’s assignment at her dismissively, causing it to fall to the ground. Natch, Rose trips her and Mee-gan goes sprawling, and I’m pretty much on Rose’s side for this battle.

The bell rings; class is over! And even as I type, I’m realizing the angle by which Ezra was written in general: He’s a teenage girl himself, as he is all “OMG, kids, I just toats realized that I’m having a garage sale this weekend! LOL and teehee because I don’t have anyone to help me! Can any of YOU help me, hint hint, wink wink?”

Mee-gan runs up to offer her services, but Rose is scarier and Veronica Lodge to the extreme, so Mee-gan’s intimidated/butthurt (I don’t know, Mee-gan makes the same exact expression in every single scene). Ezra, in all his infinite perv glory, tells them that they can both come to his place this weekend to *help.*

Lawn/quad/whatever the expanse of greenery in television and movies is. Mee-gan and Rose have a “confrontation” over Ezra. Rose intimidates Mee-gan until Mee-gan pushes Rose down and says “Don’t show up on Saturday – you or the freak.” Freak meaning I guess Janie, but really aside from her edgy wrist tattoo and being 37, I don’t get what is so freakish about Janie.

Detectives on Rose’s lawn! They want to talk, but Rose says no way. One of the detectives goes, “Oh yeah, she’s gonna be a lot of fun….” Shut up, One Of The Detectives.

The detectives try with Grandma, but she says no and slams the door. So the detectives commence with their spelling bee. This movie is so awesome.

Rose writes in her journal to Ezra. She’s doodled flowers. Then she goes to bed, and can I just say that everything in this movie takes extra long? Like you would think that with only 88 minutes to spare, they could find some stuff to fill in the downtime, but no. Two minutes of watching Rose McGowan go to sleep, it is.

Unfortunate scene with Ezra and his girlfriend. They go to have sex, and it’s creepy. The whole taking-too-long thing in this movie? Yeah. There’s a lot of awkward thrusting, which obvi turns into a talk about the upcoming weekend. Girlfriend has rearranged her entire weekend schedule as a flight attendant to go on a vacation with Ezra, but Mr. Pervy Pants refuses to postpone his garage sale. “Two students gave up their Saturdays! And they’re pretty hot, and have crushes on me for some reason!” He only says the first sentence, but come on now. So girlfriend whose name is Marilyn says this happens all the time. Marilyn is very placeholder and not interesting at all, but I totally am on her side for this exchange. She tells him she’s going to try to get her hours back and needs time away from Ezra, dresses, and leaves. Ezra emits an anemic “Marilyn,” totally doesn’t go after her at all, and lies back down.

Welcome back, Douche Jock! Not Todd, the blonde one who is constantly wearing his letterman jacket. He walks up to Rose while she changes on the street into Stephanie Kaye, and steals her shirt. Rather than play his game, Rose simply takes off her bra and he freaks out. I must say that Rose McGowan acts the hell out of this scene. I love her in general, but she’s extra good as she trolls Douche Jock, and acknowledges her topless vulnerability in a very subtle way, while owning that this is the only way to deal with guys like Douche Jock. He gives her shirt back and when she walks away (no longer topless, to be clear), Rose says “Is this fun for you?” DJ answers, “Haha, yeah.” Rose replies, “You don’t know what fun is.”

School. Mee-gan wanders around in like, gray sweats for some reason, and Rose finds the opportune time to push her down the stairs. “Ow my leg!” Mee-gan cries. Janie comes up to Rose in all the ersatz commotion and Rose says, “Guess she won’t be making it to the garage sale.” Jamie is concerned.

Detectives, asking to speak to the principal. They ask the receptionist about Rose – oh they are at Rose’s former school, not current. The receptionist says that Rose had “a nasty crush on Mr. Roberts.” It went on for months, and Rose got suspended for stalking, and THEN Mr. Roberts got involved with Rose’s mother :o And I’m sorry, but the only media I’ve seen to make me okay with a mom dating the teacher-crush of her daughter is “Parenthood.” Perhaps Rose just becomes obsessed with high school teachers who were douches anyway. Because that shit is wack, and while I blame her for ostensibly killing her mom and her teacher? I do not blame her for being pissed.

New scene! Grandma finds Rose’s Stephanie Kaye clothes and hits Rose in the back with her cane.

Nighttime. Grandma is in bed with her dog. The dog wakes up, as treats keep falling for it, leading it to the attic. Rose locks him in a trunk and throws in a can of some kind while saying, “Hasta la vista, baby,” and this is the point at which Rose really started to lose me forever, because poor puppy.

Okay. Now Rose is wearing her skimpiest outfit yet, albeit super cute and I totally would wear it if I had her body. Problem is, she’s off to stupid Ezra’s garage sale. They have a “conversation,” and Ezra in his infinite wisdom shares his relationship woes with Rose.

Garage sale. Rose helps set up, sporting maximum cleavage, and bamp chicka wow wow music plays on the soundtrack. Then they stand around and wait for customers and where is this movie taking place? Granted, my garage sale experience is limited to two or three, but never in my life, if you advertise the sale ahead of time, do you wait for the customers. And even if this waiting around does happen in places, all the more for Marilyn to be UBER pissed. I know a lot of women are pretty chill in general. I strive and often fail at being one myself. That said, I do not know any woman who would be okay with her boyfriend cancelling a planned weekend getaway to go hang out with nearly naked Rose McGowan alone at his house.
null
Garage sale in full effect – aka, two customers are there. Janie shows up. Ezra compliments Janie’s tattoo (SPOILER! THIS SEEMINGLY UNENTHRALLING SCENE IS IMPORTANT!), and puts his arm around Rose (shut up, Fitz), while Janie takes a picture of them, then calls out Rose on being a ridiculous stalker. “Why don’t you just grab his (bleep!),” she says. No really, I mean bleep, dunno her actual word.

Grandma is looking for her poor dead dog. She opens a book that she finds – Rose’s journal :o

Garage sale. Rose: “We make a good team.” Ezra: “Yeah we do.” Shut up. All of you.

Rose needs to go in the house for some reason and for some reason the house is locked, so Ezra in his infinite wisdom tells Rose that the spare key is under the pot. So Rose goes in the house and overhears Marilyn leaving a message on the answering machine message saying, “We need to talk.” Rose deletes the message, then writes the answering machine password on her arm. Because when you’re naked and stalking someone, the best place to be surreptitious is on your bare skin.

Rose sniffs Ezra’s shirts in the closet a la Annette Bening in “American Beauty,” minus the sympathy points. A box falls out that is filled with an inordinate number of Shirtless Ezra Pics, but eventually we see that Marilyn is in a pic or two. Rose rips up a pic of the two of them together; then when Ezra wanders in, she says the call was a wrong number.

Ezra drives Rose home and it is dark. Why?! Garage sales start at like 3 in the morning; why is it all dark now?

Grandma watches them as they say goodbye.

Ezra drives home and shakes his head. “(Ezra, Ezra, Ezra) – they didn’t make ‘em like that when I was in school.” Shut UP, Ezra! First of all, Rose is in her 30s! So your point is still vaguely salient! Second of all, shut UP! Because you were, in fact, aware when you pursued high school teaching as a career, that teenagers often times have womanly bodies?

Ugh. People like Ezra piss me off on more levels than I can convey at this particular moment. Because I know for Solid Fact that countless men are more than capable of both caring about their teenage students, and keeping their penises in their pants.

Rose goes inside her house, trying to be quiet, and goes in her room. Grandma is SO CREEPILY standing behind Rose’s door, and calls Rose a blasphemous slut. “You’re a whore just like your mother,” etc. Grandma has read Rose’s journal and says she is going to call the police, the school, and the child-services lady or as Grandma calls her, “that Asian woman!”

So Rose hits Grandma in the face with her cane. Grandmas asks for mercy. Rose replies:

“Mercy? You never showed me any mercy. My mother never showed me any mercy. And now I don’t have any mercy! It’s a family thing.”

And Rose kills Grandma through a window shot.

Cut to two guys from church taking the trunk that the dog was in. They wish Grandma a speedy recovery.

Rose enjoys having the house to herself. The TV evangelist is still spouting, and Rose kills the television, a move that I have to question. There are other channels, Rose.

Ezra arrives home to candles and music. He thinks it’s Marilyn. A shower is running. But it is Rose! She got in with his spare key. Ezra’s gotten a fit of conscience, and tells Rose “We will discuss this when you’re dressed!” But he stays in his rob! Ezra tells her that she has to leave. She flirts. He acts innocent and indignant. They go back and forth for 47 hours in a “Is too! Is not!” conversation.

Classroom, the next day. Ezra sees, in a fitting scene to his name, that Rose is not in his classroom. Another teacher brings Ezra a bouquet of red roses. Ezra, dumbass that he is, assumes they’re from the woman he shunned to ostensibly bonk his students, but the teacher is like “They’re from someone else.”

All overheard by Janie, because when Janie is not stalking Rose, she is at her locker, which makes sense, because the truancy officers stop looking for you once you reach 34.

House Formerly Known As Grandma’s. Rose calls Ezra and checks his messages, via the code written on her arm. And who else is calling but Marilyn! She wants to meet him for dinner at a nearby hotel. “We need to talk.” Rose calls the hotel and leaves a message that we don’t hear.

Detectives! Telling Child-Services Lady that they need family info on Rose. CSL says she’ll talk, so long as it’s off the record.

Rose writes in her diary. Douche Jock knocks on the door, saying that he came to check on her, but then tries to fuck her as if this was “Game of Thrones” and Rose is DJ’s birthright. Rose says she is seeing someone, and he guesses she means Ezra. He mocks her and threatens to tell the principal, so Rose offers a trade: her sex for his silence. Being the walking penis that he is, DJ agrees, and follows Rose to the attic.

In another scene that’s not nearly as good as Rose McGowan’s acting, she seems like she’s going along with the trade, until DJ gets all rough and rapey with her. She kicks him in the balls, then stabs him with something – a fire poker? – and he falls down the stairs.

Cut to Rose digging DJ’s grave and uttering whimsical lines such as “No means no.”

New scene: Marilyn gets into Ezra’s bed and starts kissing him. But sometimes it’s Real!Marilyn; sometimes it’s Rose. It’s actually Ezra’s dream.

Principal’s office, she wants a meeting with Ezra, then asks if everything is okay. He says yes and tries to leave, but the principal brings up getting too close to a student. Ezra (rightfully) assumes that this is about Rose, and thinks it’s the teacher from the other day with the roses, but it was not. The principal lets Ezra and the audience at home know that it’s about the basketball game: “Gambling for grades?” Ezra, shitting his pants with relief, says he will stop, and leaves.

CCL knocks on Former Grandma’s door. When there is no answer, she goes around back, through the gate, and sees the fresh grave that Rose has dug for DJ. It’s not obvi-obvi though, so when Rose says hi, CCL is all, hi!

Former Grandma’s kitchen. Rose gives CCL some tea. CCL asks what happened to her face (due to the almost-rape fight with DJ), and CCL assumes it was Grandma. Rose goes along with CCL’s assumption, and says that Grandma won’t be doing that anymore. DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMMM!

CCL says she is sorry, and I have to say that CCL is one of the most sympathetic characters in this entire glorious debacle otherwise known as a movie. Even in the first scenes, CCL seemed very concerned about Rose’s familial travesty, and just even acting-wise, she’s very natural and truly doing the best she can with the material.

So but yeah, CCL is sorry but Rose will have to go with her. They go back and forth – Rose says she likes it here and in a weird way I feel for her, because she’s still a minor who’s had to live with mean dictatorial authority figures and now finally doesn’t, but I also feel for CCL, and know she is right, as she tells Rose that it’s her job to take any child out of an abusive situation, and Rose just flat-out alluded to the fact that Grandma is/(was) a sheer psycho.

But you know, Rose is not necessarily one for the subtleties of life’s lessons, so she takes the teapot and I thought she was just going to throw the water in CCL’s face, but Rose just hits her with it? And again in a weird way, I give Rose props for improvisational imagination. She reminds me of Buffy Summers, in that respect.

And so anyway, Rose tells CCL’s unconscious body that she can’t go; she has a date.

Okay, remember how Marilyn left a message about having dinner with Ezra? Well, she made the reservation at the restaurant that exists everywhere, on every show, in every movie. You’ll know what I mean if you see it. There’s a rounded red booth. And speaking of if you’ve ever watched a movie or a television show, you will not be surprised to learn that Marilyn is not there at all; it is Rose! Rose introduces Ezra to the two guys at the neighboring table, who have no reason to be there, aside to further the “plot.” When Ezra says to Rose, “Let’s go,” the two guys defend Rose, and they fight with Ezra in an outtake scene from “Frasier.”

Marilyn shows up and thank God, because I missed her. Jk, she shows up to meet Ezra. They sit on the steps; she asks what’s going on, and he says I don’t know.

^^^ Slow clap, that was mesmerizing, guys. ^^^

Marilyn drives Ezra home and it’s like 5 am. These people don’t seem to do anything fun ever, yet they stay out for record amounts of time. Anyway, the sun is coming up and Rose is sitting on Ezra’s stoop.

Can I ask a quick, half-rhetorical question? Am I just a crazy, jealous bitch, or do women in the movies more often than not seem maturely resigned to crazy-ass hot chicks sitting on their boyfriends’ property? Like if I went away for a weekend to clear my head from my boyfriend’s method-acting of Ron Livingston in “Pretty Persuasion,” only to come back to one of his “garage-sale buddies” waiting for him as the sun came up? I would not nearly be as calm as Marilyn, especially when the following transpires:

Rose: Thank God you’re all right.

Ezra: You need help. I don’t love you.

Rose: (SLAP! In Ezra’s face.)

Rose: It’s her (Marilyn). That’s why you’re being like this?

Ezra: This game stops now.

I’d be like wow boyfriend, thanks for blowing off our weekend that I took off for, in order to have this wondrous chick not lose a Saturday.

Former Grandma’s House. Rose burns all of her words for Ezra in a candle and cries. Then she burns his picture.

Hey, Autopsy Guy! You’re pretty awesome. And AG tells the detectives that yes, there were definitely stab wounds of seemingly malicious intent.

Detectives again! They’re now at the principal’s office and continue their riveting spelling bee. I keep mocking the spelling bee but will give props in that this is my 23rd ICM. Most of those movies have traditional cop/detective duos. At least this one strives for originality! Meanwhile, the principal, another pretty cool actress, corrects one of the detective’s definition, and that was kind of badass.

Ezra goes into the principal’s office, because he wants to speak to her! He does not know that the detectives are there, but there…they are, and the principal introduces everyone. Ezra’s come to complain about Rose; the detectives are there to talk to Rose – everyone’s a winner! But they can’t locate Rose, and know about the “altercation” last night at Ezra’s house. So Ezra tells them that she’s full of delusions.

One detective tells the principal that Rose’s mom may have killed her dad, so Rose has grown up surrounded by violence and even before her dad’s death, both of Rose’s parents abused her.

“Mercy? You never showed me any mercy. My mother never showed me any mercy. And now I don’t have any mercy! It’s a family thing.”
~ Rose

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. For when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.”
~ Gavin De Becker

So IMO, that’s actually really sad. But in the meantime, Rose has called – it’s an emergency!

They all go to Rose’s/Former Grandma’s house. She won’t answer the door, and say that only Ezra can come in.

Rose sits on the steps with the shotgun from the attic. When the detectives try to outwit her and come in despite her orders, she shoots the detective in the leg.

“Why won’t you love me?” Rose asks no one in particular.

Oh I guess she meant Ezra, who tries to diffuse the situation, saying Rose can trust him and he will stick by her. He begs her to come out.

Then there is a shot!

And Ezra goes into the room. The actor does a nice job of showing despondence at Rose’s suicide – it must be Rose! She’s wearing a skanky outfit and the skirt Rose was wearing that very day! But Ezra and company assume that Rose is out of the picture.

Marilyn drives up to Ezra’s house. Apparently, pervy negligence has fallen by the wayside, for there are groceries to put away.

Ezra drives.

Marilyn puts on a cassette tape of elevator music and ties her hair in a scrunchie.

Ezra drives, and there is an admittedly chilling flashback to his noticing Janie’s tattoo, and then to his vision of the dead girl, and he realizes “Oh no.”

Marilyn dries her face in a particularly riveting scene. The lights dim, and there is Rose behind her!

They fight.

Ezra drives faster, because his 11th-hour self-realization of douchebaggery is quite the force to be reckoned with! Sirens come! Oh no, you think, but Ezra at 47 has finally grown brains in both the literal and figurative sense, and is like, “Follow me, cops!”

More rose/Marilyn fighting, and Marilyn smashes a vase on Rose’s head, a la Julia Roberts in “Satisfaction.”

PLAN FAIL! As one of the cops who’d been on a motorcycle spins out.

“You bitch! He’s mine!” Rose yells as she beats Marilyn’s head into the ground, and while I have a low tolerance for visual violence, that is one thing I especially never really can take. It was terrifying in the opening scene of “Lean on Me,” back then, and it’s terrifying in “Devil in the Flesh,” right now.

The cops have regathered, and try to arrest Ezra! They are not trying to hear his pleas about how Rose is a crazy killer.

I guess sometimes lessons have to be illustrated, as Rose cuts the cop’s throat, and then holds the knife to Marilyn’s neck.

Ezra: Rose, there’s no need to kill her.

Rose: Peter, we need some time alone.

And as an additional side note, Rose McGowan got saddled with some corny-ass lines, but she delivers the humor as well as any actress could, and I mean that as a compliment. Additionally, she really acts the hell out of this scene, in general.

Ezra: It’s just you and me, Rose. I love you.

Rose looks super happy until Ezra lunges at her, at which point she stabs him in the shoulder with a knife.

They fight. Ezra wins, because he is the unfortunate moral compass of this cinematic travesty.

Marilyn rushes to Ezra, because who wouldn’t want a neglectful boyfriend who can only get a hardon around his teenage students?

Sirens in the background!

Cops arrive!

Poor stupid Ezra is getting put into a fire truck on a stretcher, while….

…Rose, still alive, gets put into the back of a cop car, who handles her gently, despite her marauding murderousness. She looks up at him, another Male Authority Figure, smiles, falls in love, and –

FREEZE FRAME!

Posted in Movies, Celebrities, Intentionally Cheesy Movie Night, Entertainment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A World Without Shrimp

Posted on April 1, 2013 by

Anya: It’s possible that he’s in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or you know, the world without shrimp.

Tara: There’s a world without shrimp? I’m allergic.

“May I have everyone in the kitchen!” my manager Greg said. We all followed suit, because Greg was the no-nonsense GM at Red Lobster, and many of us feared him.

“We have run out of shrimp,” Greg said. “We are 86 shrimp.”

It figured. You don’t even understand the chaos that was Red Lobster. Mad intense at all times. They were big into “saving labor,” which meant that at any given time on a weekday afternoon, there would be no host, no bartender, nobody baking bread, no manager to be found, much less a cook, and like, one server with 12 tables. Craziness, always.

So the fact that we had run out of shrimp didn’t surprise me, just pissed me off.

“What kind of shrimp?” someone asked Greg. “Butterflied or regular?”

“Both,” Greg regretfully responded.

“What about the cocktail shrimp?” someone else wanted to know.

“All the shrimp. We have no shrimp in the restaurant. We’ve run out.”

Filled with indignant rage, I cautiously approached my new table out in the dining room. And now the thing you need to understand is that despite the “Lobster” in its name, most of the place’s guests get something involving shrimp. Heck, I always get something involving shrimp.

Sure enough, my guests wanted shrimp! I spent quite awhile convincing them that we really, truly didn’t have any while trying to sound sympathetic and also hide my frustration with the whole ridiculous situation. Finally, finally, we were able to figure out new meals for them, which was tough for me to do objectively, because goodness knows the fresh fish was a total crapshoot. Sometimes our salmon filets looked gorgeous and huge and triangular, but more often than not they looked like one of those pictures on a shampoo bottle where they show x-rays of split ends, only in this case, tiny, burnt, and orangish black.

But I think my guests decided on crab or something. They still wanted to speak to a manager though, since they did come after all, for the Unlimited Shrimp Fest.

I informed Greg of this, and he stared at me so I stared back all, what is the problem? I hadn’t even fought with anyone in like, 20 minutes. I was a model waitress that day!

“You told them we were out of shrimp?!”

“!!!”

“???”

And then he began cracking up and wouldn’t stop, and everyone else started laughing too and I was NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS.

“We have shrimp!”

“What???”

“Did you not see what day it was?” and he pointed to the board.

“April 1st…”

“…”

“…I hate you.”

Everyone laughed some more, then Greg looked worried. “I should probably go explain to your table.”

I never did learn how everyone else seemed to understand that this anger-inducing 86 was just a joke. But that’s pretty par for the course, for me. Often times, I’m being laughed at for reasons I don’t understand. It’s awesome.

Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone! I hope you find the time to piss off and stress out someone today!

Posted in Food, Restaurants, Work | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments